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What Avoidants Do When They Secretly Want You Back · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  Three of my clients got their exes back last week.
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  That's right, two of the exes were avoidance, fearful
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  avoidance, who resurfaced after long periods of silence, and
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  they showed the same patterns I'm about to explain to you.
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  So for those who say you can't get an avoidant back, well,
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  apparently you can. And all three of the exes were
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  women. For those of you who say you
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  can't get a woman back with no contact, well, apparently you
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  can. So in this video, I'm going to
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  explain exactly what avoidance do when they secretly want you
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  back but are terrified of losing control.
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  Hi, this is Lucia with the Art of Love.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
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  And welcome back my beautiful no contact army.
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  Have you downloaded my app Silencio to help you say no
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  contact? Well, right now I am going to
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  give you a copy of my book, No Contact Secrets.
• 1:08
  If you leave a review in the App Store or on Google Play, not
• 1:13
  just a rating, a review and then send a screenshot of that and we
• 1:16
  will send you the book. And if you too would like to
• 1:19
  join our no contact army, all you have to do is subscribe and
• 1:23
  hit the bell notification and you're in.
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  OK. So avoidance don't stop wanting
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  you. They stop tolerating emotional
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  exposure, meaning that they panic if you say I miss you, I
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  need you. Where's this going?
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  They sense that they're losing control of how close you're
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  getting to them. So when an avoidant misses you
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  during no contact, it doesn't feel romantic to them.
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  It feels dangerous, so wanting you back means vulnerability,
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  expectations and emotional responsibility.
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  Don't confuse their silence with not caring about you.
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  Instead of coming forward directly, they move sideways.
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  They don't start with bold declarations.
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  Only someone who has a secure attachment style can do that to
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  an avoidant distance feels safer than honesty.
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  Watching you from the shadows feels less risky than standing
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  in front of you and asking for another chance.
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  So they start by orbiting you, and they may go to places where
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  they know you'll be. In fact, one of my clients who
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  got the X back, he works at a beach and the X would show up at
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  the beach and would just stare at him.
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  Sometimes she would wave. Or they start stalking your
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  social media. They scroll through the posts,
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  they like old photos, they read the comments.
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  It's their way of saying they're still there without having to
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  say anything at all. And the orbit isn't just about
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  you. It's about them trying to manage
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  their guilt and their longing because they want proximity
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  without intimacy. Silence keeps them safe enough
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  to stay curious. Now next, if you have mutual
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  friends, they start testing the waters through them and they try
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  to sound casual, throwing your name into conversations as if
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  it's no big deal. Avoidance or masters of indirect
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  communication. And they'll casually say, hey,
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  you know, how is she doing, by the way?
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  They want to know if you're dating someone you, or if you
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  seem happy, or if you ever mention them and they pretend to
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  be half interested, but inside their heart is pounding because
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  they wonder if you're still interested or whether you hate
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  them and have moved on. And then finally, when an
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  avoidance wouldn't secretly wants you back, they start
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  sending mixed signals. Our favorite, right?
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  Which if you weren't listening to me, you would be confused.
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  So they'll text you about mail that you left at their place or
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  something practical. Actually, one of my clients, his
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  ex texted about a parking pass and she could have asked for
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  this parking pass at any point. And all of a sudden she says,
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  well, I need my parking pass and you're you.
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  You didn't give me back my parking pass.
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  And she sounded angry. It's like, well, just ask for
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  the parking pass. What are you so upset about?
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  That was just the excuse. It wasn't about the parking
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  pass. She wanted to see if there was
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  another chance. So yeah, they'll text about
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  something practical, but then the conversation lingers longer
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  than necessary, and they might make reference to an inside
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  joke. And just as things are warming
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  up, they'll pull away and then show back up three days later.
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  Or their message may be disguised as concern.
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  Hey, just checking in. Or hey, saw that you haven't
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  posted for a while and this is actually less about your
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  well-being and more about calming their uneasiness since
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  you're not chasing them. Testing the waters feels safer
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  than saying what's really on their mind, which is that they
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  miss you and they want you back. That level of vulnerability for
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  an avoidant feels unbearable, so they throw out a breadcrumb to
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  see what you're going to do with it.
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  Avoidance. Crack doors instead of opening
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  conversations so they reach out with a hey stranger or hope
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  you're doing well, or emoji reactions or songs or memes.
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  So if it's low effort, it's best not to respond because that's
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  not a conversation, it's a test they're checking.
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  Are you still emotionally available?
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  Will you rush toward them? Will they immediately lose
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  control? And if you respond by over
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  engaging, asking questions or reopening emotional territory,
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  they're going to shut down. So the tone that we're going for
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  is warm neutral. Think of how would you respond
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  if you heard from someone that you weren't that interested in,
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  but you weren't totally turned off by them either, right?
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  So you're not like, super excited to hear from them, but
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  you're also not like, oh, what do you want?
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  You wouldn't be effusive. And I just learned that word, so
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  of course I had to include it in a video.
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  So you wouldn't say, Oh my God, I miss you so much or I thought
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  I'd never hear from you. So don't ask what do they want?
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  Don't push for clarity. Don't explain your feelings.
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  Instead, you're gonna answer briefly, neutrally and warmly.
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  Hey, hope you're doing well or good to hear from you.
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  That's it. And then you wait because the
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  follow up is the data. Their second message after you
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  answer is their real message. If they want reconnection,
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  they'll send another message or add context or ask something.
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  Escalate slightly and if they don't they fade.
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  But either way, you learn the truth without exposing yourself.
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  Avoidance move in increments. They need to feel safe after the
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  first reach out confirmed that you didn't demand more than
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  they're ready to give at that moment and regulate their
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  nervous system. If they say.
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  I've been thinking a lot lately. I've grown so much that
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  relationship taught me a lot. That is longing, but with armor
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  on. Because with avoidance, clarity
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  comes from their behavior, not their words.
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  A low effort text followed by nothing is your answer.
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  A low effort text followed by a second more grounded message is
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  interest. Let them show you which one it
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  is. Avoidance don't come back
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  loudly. They come back carefully.
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  The more grounded and unattached you are, the safer you become to
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  return to. OK so now I want to hear from
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  you. How long have you been in no
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  contact and how it was going? And if you would like my help to
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  get your ex back, you can contact me at
• 8:32
  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
• 8:35
  They are not on the website. If you found this video helpful,
• 8:39
  be sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on future videos.
• 8:42
  If you're listening to this as a podcast, also be sure to
• 8:45
  subscribe so you don't miss future episodes.
• 8:47
  And finally, remember, love inspires and powers, uplifts and
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  enlightens.