Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Don't Compare Your Post-Divorce Life/Parenting/Etc To A Happy Marriage

Transcript

Don't Compare Your Post-Divorce Life/Parenting/Etc To A Happy Marriage · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today, we're going to talk about how many
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  people have the wrong comparison point when they are assessing
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  how their life, after divorce might change, and this cognitive
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  distortion can really prevent you from seeing, you know,
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  clearly what your life, maybe, like, and making decisions that
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  reflect that, and we will get into that, right?
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  As soon as I tell you to subscribe, the most recent one
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  is on how telling your husband, how dysfunctional he is.
• 0:35
  Hurts the marriage. So something that you wouldn't
• 0:39
  think I'd need to do a podcast about but I really do that one
• 0:43
  is pretty funny and and accurate and insightful and really just I
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  mean awesome it's magnificent but there's that and also the
• 0:53
  oral sex on women. If I can't convince you to
• 0:55
  subscribe with how awesome this most recent one was, there's
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  always that one and all of the others.
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  Okay? So anyway, I have a lot of
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  people who are In unhappy marriages and they want to get
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  out but they have a lot of fears about that which is totally
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  normal and expected when you're going to have a big life
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  transition or planning on one or deciding whether you're going to
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  have one especially given children in the mix.
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  So there are various things that people do so they when they
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  compare what their life is going to be like after divorce.
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  It's almost like they forget the marriage that they're currently
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  in and they're comparing them. Average, the divorce rather to a
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  happy marriage, which they're not in.
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  So let me give you an example. So somebody be like, I can't get
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  divorced, even though my husband, I scream at each other
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  all the time, we're obviously unhappy the it's super toxic for
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  the kids Etc because I would only see the kids half the time
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  and I'm like okay how often you see the kids?
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  Now I see them all the time. Yeah.
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  Really. Because you told me that because
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  y'all can't stand each other. You pretty much Divide
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  everything. So you divide everything half
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  and half, he does the morning. You do the evening pretty much.
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  He's downstairs playing video games with the evening.
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  And you try to just get up shower and dressed and go to
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  work in the morning because then y'all don't have to interact.
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  This is not an uncommon situation to do shift, work here
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  with the kids and or the time that you think that your quote
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  with the kids you are on your phone, you're having a couple
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  too many glasses of wine. You are very unhappy and
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  basically not present because Unhappy in the marriage.
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  So I mean, you're not really there.
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  So the thing is, is when people compare seeing kids half the
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  time, that's just one example. They are thinking about a world
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  in which there in a happy marriage and both people are
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  present and interdependent and parenting as unit.
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  They do so much together, it's really fun.
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  The vacations, do not devolve into bullshit fighting and
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  yelling, Etc. However, that's not the
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  situation that there In the situation that they're in is
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  either frequently half the time, they really do split the kids,
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  basically maybe not exactly a half.
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  Maybe the mother has some more but increasingly, it's kind of
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  half and or one takes one kid, one takes the other kid which is
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  a situation that can continue in an amicable divorce afterwards
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  by the way. Like for example yeah, you take
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  the kid to a birthday party because on your husband's
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  weekend, this is very frequent that people can be.
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  Kabul enough to do this because nobody wants to take the kids to
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  the birthday party. So if you advertise that you're
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  available, guess who might let you do it, you know?
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  But this is obviously individual, some people are way
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  too conflictual after the marriage to even do that.
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  But in that case, how's it going?
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  Now, what's probably happening is that in your mind, you're
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  comparing it to taking a kid to a birthday party.
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  You are happy relaxed. You need eyes across the room
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  Etc with your kids. They really know that you're
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  there in reality. If you're in a super toxic
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  conflictual marriage, you're not meeting any eyes.
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  You're taking that time to be on your phone, like, pull up your
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  Reddit for, you know, moms who are deciding to divorce or
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  whatever, you know confide in your friend, that's another
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  parent there about the shit that's going on.
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  You're not really present in the way that you think you are.
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  If you're very unhappy is my point.
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  Here's another. One people always think that
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  they might be lonely. Are you now?
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  Currently lonely. I mean really just having
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  another person in the house with whom you don't get along.
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  That does not stop anybody from being lonely.
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  In fact can make you more lonely.
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  I've written post about that called loneliness in marriage
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  and that's in fact, very common reason that people get divorced
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  is that they feel lonely but somehow they think they're going
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  to be lonely or afterward. And in this case again, they're
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  like comparing the post-divorce life to some fictional life that
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  unfortunately, you're not it, but it's on.
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  It's unfortunate that you're not in it and a very interdependent
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  Loving connected marriage but do not add insult to injury and
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  make decisions based on as though you're in this marriage
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  because you are not. And if you decide not to divorce
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  in order to, you know, somehow not be lonely or see the kids
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  more than you are actually feeling or seeing them or what
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  have you, you know? I mean, let's be real.
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  Then you're not making decisions based on reality.
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  Another one is frequently the money and I'll tell you things
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  get I did people survive, this is no longer a situation where
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  people don't get child support or for, you know, I mean, at
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  least in the people that I see nobody's being taken to jail for
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  not paying child support people, pay child, support readily.
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  And many people get alimony men and women get alimony,
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  obviously, more women still. I think that's going to go away.
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  I think it's going to even out. I see many more women who are
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  the primary Breadwinner either way.
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  The point is, its It's very, very hard to get divorced super
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  hard, sure, but at least do not do any crazy shit in your mind.
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  That is stopping you from seeing the true comparison point.
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  I'll be real. There's a lot of people that
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  parents a lot better when they see the kids half the time.
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  This means nothing bad about you.
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  I've said over and over and over that our society is real weird.
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  Now, it used to be very interconnected interdependent,
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  with extended family around, people could give the kid to
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  their mother two there and two there.
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  Sister everybody's hanging out. It's not like that.
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  Now, it's pretty isolated. And if you are one-on-one with
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  with your kids, that's kind of like your worst self.
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  Usually sounds like it should go.
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  Well it goes to shit so frequently, right?
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  Because you're tapped out, you're stressed and you're, you
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  know, you get burned out from being alone with them all the
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  time. And if you are in an unhappy
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  marriage, then you when you're with them, you know, you're also
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  facing the street. Dresser of the conflict and all
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  of this stuff that's always on your mind.
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  So you can even be fully present.
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  So am I saying, this is like a commercial for getting divorced.
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  Certainly not people. Should I mean I'm a couples
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  counselor. I'm not a divorce attorney,
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  right? I want people to stay together
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  if they want to stay together, I help them.
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  But there are many people that come in particularly with open
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  conflict in front of the children.
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  This stresses the kids, the fuck out and if the parents are their
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  anxiety and their cognitive. Into stopping them from seeing
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  that the current status quo is not good for the children.
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  And in fact, the kids might be better in a situation where
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  there was not open an act of hostility and conflict.
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  Then my job is to kind of clear that up with individual clients
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  as well as with, with you guys because I talk to you, as though
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  you're my clients. So what's another one?
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  This is my favorite one, because this is so easy to disprove in.
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  Like, I mean, not to do. You got To be in it to see.
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  But when people say they wouldn't find another partner,
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  yeah, really. You wouldn't find another
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  partner. This is millions of people
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  looking for relationships, is like, the number one, human
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  Drive is to pair bong. I see this all the time.
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  I'll tell you, my job is so good for like, understanding main
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  effect of like what makes people tick, everybody wants to find
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  somebody. You sure there's like maybe a
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  few months after a divorce or people just want to fuck around,
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  you know, maybe have casual sex. Even then if those men met the
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  right woman, guess who, I guess who's pair-bonded, you know,
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  another Prairie vole happens there, the pair bonding mammal,
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  although it was shown in some sort of research that Prairie
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  voles, cheat on each other, which was very upsetting.
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  But anyway, the point being, if you want to find a partner after
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  divorce, it's not hard. And as I've said, particularly
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  in the age of dating apps, if you really feel you want to find
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  another partner now, you may be Be ambivalent, this is something
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  that I run into people, who are avoided, lie attached say, it's
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  going to be hard for them to find another partner, man, it's
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  hard for you to keep the partner that you're in.
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  Because your avoidant attachment and I say, man colloquially
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  girl, man, dude, bro, bro seems to be used, you know, regardless
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  of gender or sex. So bro, it's going to be hard
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  for you to find somebody. No matter what, if you're a
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  difficult person to be with and or you're ambivalent about,
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  Commitment and relationships. So this is this is happening.
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  Currently, it's probably a major contributor to your relational
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  difficulties. So you got a choice, you can
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  either try to work on yourself and then you would be open to a
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  new relationship or and this is not bad.
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  You can say, I'm not the kind of person that really wants to be
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  in a relationship. Honestly, after divorce, if I
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  think about it because I don't really want to be in this
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  relationship. I really want to live the life
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  of a lone wolf and have my hobbies and my friends and my
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  career. Career and my kids and do what
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  the fuck I want. When the fuck I want and maybe
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  Society is telling me. I have to be pair-bonded, but
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  I'm not a Prairieville. I'm A Lone Wolf or wolf at and
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  that's how I roll. That is not a bad decision to
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  make also and therapy can really help.
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  You see if you're the sort of person that wants to take some
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  time for yourself and maybe one of the main problems within your
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  relationship is that the other person is trying to like get
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  blood from a stone and your mismatched they're preoccupied
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  attachment your Avoided. You don't want them to be up
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  your ass and you don't really want anybody to be up your ass.
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  But in that case, certainly don't say that you're not going
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  to find anybody after divorce, you could, but you would have to
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  work on yourself. Now, those people with avoidant
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  attachment or ambivalence about relationships, or tremendous
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  anxiety about relationships, so, it could be the other side can
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  be the preoccupied attachment people.
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  In that case, what does it look like?
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  Every time you go on a date, you assume it's going to be Mister
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  or Miss right. Right?
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  You immediately start planning the wedding and they get turned
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  off. So if that's you preoccupied
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  attachment again. It's not helping your current
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  relationship either, you know, and so work on it within you.
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  If you can't Salvage the current one work on it anyway and then
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  you could get into a different one.
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  The yes, you may have to work on yourself in order to find people
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  but the people are out there, there's loads of people looking
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  for. Partners is like the number one
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  thing that people do, it's like the number-one, Evolutionarily
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  is to mate, so people of all ages and, you know, all types of
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  people find somebody again, especially in the age of of
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  dating apps not to be overly practical, but you have access
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  to like a fuckload of people. That is the mathematical term, a
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  fuckload of people. And I mean, it's again, it's
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  better than staying in a situation that fucking sucks and
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  comparing it to something that eclis doesn't suck, but you're
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  not in that situation. You're in the one that sucks.
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  Unfortunately. So if you can work on a current
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  relationship and stay married it, happily happily married.
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  This is good. If you want to be somebody who
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  can limit conflict to the point and that you do not fight
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  anymore and it is a major value of yours to be an intact home
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  and you're not creating terrible conflict in front of the kids
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  and you want to live a separate life.
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  Devon focus on your own stuff. And then when the kids are out
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  of the house, you can think about divorce.
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  Again, this is your value system, the decide like, I can't
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  decide that, you know, you got a point.
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  If you were in that situation, they have shown that when there
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  is not active conflict, then yeah, it's worse for kids for
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  parrot. Listen, the research shows it's
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  worse for kids to be in a divorced home, then an intact
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  home, unless the two divorced homes are Calmer and better than
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  the other one. There is lots of to happy homes
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  versus one on happy hole and do kids.
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  Notice. If you're not supremely
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  spiritually fulfilled. No, they don't like so just
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  don't convince yourself that that's not true.
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  However does that mean you don't deserve to be happy?
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  No, they're also. Does it mean that?
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  So if you are very unhappy but it's like a quiet unhappiness,
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  you do deserve to be happy. You could work on this in
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  therapy. I mean, don't like tell yourself
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  that your kids are gonna Ivan be really like so happy that you're
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  like, finding your best self because they're not they're
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  going to be blindsided by the divorce because it happened in
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  the absence of open conflict, but they can, you know, kids are
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  resilient and as long as there are two happy homes afterwards
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  to go to, they can kind of be, they can heal and they can move
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  forward in their lives. And who knows?
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  Maybe one day, they will think it was good that you are
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  divorced and are living your best life.
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  But what the research does show and what total evidence from
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  loads and loads and loads of clients shows as well.
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  Corroborating, the research is that if there is open conflict
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  that the children witnessed, that is causing them daily
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  stress, then it is better not to be together.
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  And in that case, those are the people that I'm talking to that
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  it's it's definitive that when you remove active stress from a
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  child's life, they do better. So the Ann and everybody.
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  All of us who grew up in super conflict to a I know this
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  because other people that grew up, like when the more unhappy
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  quiet homes where they, never sure if their parents got along
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  or not, or whatever. They don't believe this by
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  anybody, in an open conflict to a home.
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  Does believe this, that frequently you say to the
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  parents divorce? You know, I'd like, people don't
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  believe it, but like, I've so many clients that I personally
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  experienced this where you say to parents to, or at least the
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  one that you talk to or are close to Why don't you leave
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  will be so much better if you left.
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  Come on. You're so unhappy fighting all
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  the time since terrible and so there are kids who actively
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  encourage the parents to leave one another because even the
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  fucking five-year-old knows, you know that it's bad.
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  You know? And if you are in that
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  situation, you really got only two options.
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  You can massively fix the marriage or you can leave an
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  option is not remaining in a situation.
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  Unfortunately, it is an option, an option, too, many people take
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  but I'm saying. Healthy option is not remaining
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  in an actively conflictual home because of fear of change and
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  fear that it will somehow be worse.
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  And then expecting that your child will Thrive and be
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  healthy. Anyway, despite seeing active
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  daily conflict, they don't or active bi-weekly conflict.
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  Like whatever the hell, you know, like active conflict.
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  So anyhow when you are thinking about your life after divorce,
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  the reality is, if you move into a Kamar Happier space.
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  You can be present with your children, maybe it's half the
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  time, but is it not kind of like that?
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  Now in an unhappy marriage? Probably, I mean, take away.
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  Even the times that you guys are arguing, and the kids are doing,
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  whatever the fuck they're doing in the other room.
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  You're trying to convince yourself.
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  They're fine when they're playing XYZ, you know, extra
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  video games because you guys just have to make it the last
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  point with one another, you know, if that's the situation
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  think about how much it's really going to change in.
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  Of time spent and what the quality of the time.
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  Maybe, if you are not embroiled in active hostility and conflict
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  such that, you cannot even concentrate on the children and
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  of course, I've also spoken to other issues that people have as
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  a mistake in comparison Point as well, including loneliness,
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  including the finances again, most people can to make this
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  work especially in the age of division of assets but you know,
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  I'm not sure. Financial planner, but I am
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  somebody who knows that, you know, certain things are
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  Priceless, including your children's ability to function
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  in the world. Not seeing parents, who hate one
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  another, all right? Hopefully, this opens your eyes
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  to certain things or at least gave you a little bit of food
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  for thought that is my goal in. All of these is to give you some
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  sort of alternate way of viewing your situation.
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  And I'll talk to you soon. Bye.