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Trapping a Plummer In The Basement To Make Him Fight An Electrician? · Questionable Detour

0:00
excuse me what is going on here but first we're
0:05
going to make a little detour so absurd so questionable
0:11
yeah i guess we're just the weirdos expect the
0:16
detour all right so to get this episode started
0:27
how are y 'all doing on human connection are
0:29
you do you feel like you're being relatable do
0:31
you feel like people like you do you feel like
0:34
you're connecting i think there's always room
0:36
for improvement So what you're saying is it could
0:38
be better, is the point. Because I have news
0:40
for y 'all, and I want to bring this to y 'all,
0:43
and I want y 'all to be excited about it, that
0:45
we have a new way to connect with people. And
0:48
it's not with hands. It's not rubbing our bodies
0:51
up on somebody like a couple of slugs. It doesn't
0:54
work as well as you think. What's your main way
1:01
of connecting with people? I think faxing is
1:03
a dead art. People don't do it enough anymore,
1:07
mainly because there's so many other easier forms
1:10
of communication. But man, getting a fax, getting
1:12
a nice warm piece of paper coming out of that
1:15
fax machine, it gets you a little excited. Yeah,
1:18
I mean, there's a little more personal connection.
1:19
Email is just a screen, but a fax, like you said,
1:22
it's a warm piece of paper, just like the other
1:25
person on the other end of that fax line is a
1:26
warm body. Exactly. It's something you can touch,
1:29
and if anything, y 'all want to touch. We want
1:32
to feel. You need the physical contact. We love
1:36
the warmth, you know? That fax machine gets fired
1:39
up. I mean, it's not just the paper that's warm.
1:41
That fax machine putting off some heat. Yeah.
1:45
And think about the little typer in there. The
1:48
little guy in there typing. No, that's not like
1:50
the typer in there in the fax machine that's
1:52
printing the words on the page. God, that thing's
1:55
got to be hot. Think of the friction, you know?
1:57
Are you saying there's a little guy in the fax
2:00
machine that you think is hot? I don't know.
2:04
The little typer in there. Yeah, the little typer.
2:07
The little guy. The little guy that you believe
2:08
is in the fax machine. Yeah, he's in there typing.
2:10
He's got so much friction just stamping all those
2:11
little letters on the page. Yeah. He's working
2:14
real hard. I bet he's got a good sweat going,
2:15
too. Is his shirt off in your mind? Of course.
2:18
Okay. I mean, it gets hot. You don't want his
2:21
nipples to chafe because he's sweating so much
2:23
that his shirt's rubbing. It's weird that fax
2:26
machines don't have a drain. You know, you would
2:28
think that they would have a drain for all that
2:30
sweat. Exactly. That sweat and piss. It's gotta
2:37
go somewhere. Because, I mean, he can't leave
2:40
the machine. He's bonded to the machine. Yeah.
2:44
So you have a sexy little slave that works in
2:46
your fax machine. Is that what I'm hearing? I
2:48
never said sexy. Yeah, you did. Oh, you didn't
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say it. With less words. This has been implied
2:53
the entire time. Well. I think it was more about
2:55
his work ethic. Yeah. Really. It was more about
2:57
a hardworking, a driven person in the fax machine.
3:02
Hardworking, hard body. Whatever Evan's attracted
3:04
to. Whether it's physical form or work ethic.
3:09
Yeah, I mean, he's in there and he's working
3:12
hard. So you got to give him props on that, whether
3:15
he's attractive or not. I'm not sure. I've never
3:18
seen him. Sure. I've never seen him with my own
3:19
eyes. You tried. You've taken apart a fax machine
3:22
or two. Yeah. Searching. I guess he was hiding
3:26
or something. But if you take the fax machine
3:27
apart, then it's no longer going to be working.
3:30
If it's not working. Then he's sleeping, obviously.
3:33
So how am I supposed to find him if he's not
3:35
working? I don't know. I don't like to imagine
3:38
the situation of Evan feeling a little lonely,
3:40
so he lights up a couple candles in a dark room,
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sets out a table. Puts a little Marvin Gaye on.
3:46
A little Marvin, yeah. With his student's fax
3:48
machine. And he's talking like, how's your night?
3:51
And the fax machine just makes its fax machine
3:53
noises. He's like, well said. He types out on
3:57
the page, good. Oh, all this to say, I have some
4:03
news I want to give you in an effort to help
4:06
us connect better with people. And it's the fact
4:08
that you, the listener, our Saturday workers,
4:11
can in fact send voice messages to us for episodes.
4:15
If you look in this episode's description, you'll
4:17
see a link that says this is where you go to
4:20
to leave a voice message. So leave us a voice
4:22
message. It would be very cool to actually hear
4:25
the voices. I mean, past episodes, we've done
4:27
a lot of emails, but we read it in our voices.
4:29
You know, we want to hear their voices. And we
4:32
only want strong masculine voices. We don't want
4:36
anything that we may feel is inferior. Yeah.
4:40
Evan's going to, he wants strong masculine voices.
4:42
And then after he's going to be like, go ahead
4:44
and send me those. Go ahead and forward those
4:48
to me. I think that's cool. It's super simple.
4:51
You just hit the link and then you hit record.
4:53
And then it sends to us. It's pretty simple.
4:56
So let's do that. You can ask us a hypothetical
4:59
or if you have advice or, you know, you just
5:01
want to insult us. So whatever you want to do,
5:03
send it. And you also can do the old school way
5:05
of email questionworlddetour at gmail .com. If
5:08
you don't want us to hear your voice and you're
5:10
just going to be a little pansy. And we're not
5:12
trying to get you to call in so that we can collect
5:14
your voice. We're not trying to do that. I know
5:18
a lot of podcasts end up doing that. So they
5:20
steal your voice. We don't want to do that. We're
5:23
just very normal people. Who just want to engage
5:26
with the listeners? Send us a voice note. Tell
5:29
us what you think. Ask, you know, if you have
5:32
a hypothetical. If you need advice, you can do
5:34
that or you can send it to the Gmail. But welcome
5:37
to Question Relay Tour. Let's do a hypothetical.
5:39
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely
5:42
hypothetical question? I guess I want to apologize
5:45
for asking a hypothetical question. Well, that's
5:48
a hypothetical question. So here at Questionary,
5:51
we like to be relatable. We like to tackle situations
5:54
that I think a lot of people face. And if you're
5:56
a homeowner, you have probably faced this situation.
5:59
Even if you're not a homeowner, if you just live
6:01
in a domicile, you have faced this situation
6:05
where something goes wrong. Maybe your heating
6:08
or air goes wrong. Maybe you have an electrical
6:10
issue. Maybe your toilet's clogged up and you
6:12
have to call. somebody to come and fix it. Well,
6:15
it's kind of an intimate, awkward situation.
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They got to come into your house and they got
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to look at whatever's wrong with it. So I think
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I wanted to tackle this with y 'all. I wanted
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to see how y 'all handle the situation when something
6:27
goes wrong in the house, whether it be plumbing,
6:29
electrical, whatever. And how do y 'all handle
6:31
that random stranger coming into your house?
6:34
Because really, outside of this situation, it's
6:37
about the only time you just let a random stranger
6:39
into your house. You know, there's a long standing.
6:42
feud between the trades, plumbers versus electricians
6:45
versus carpenters, maybe. And I like to think
6:51
that I can solve this feud, you know, because
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if there's one thing I don't like, it's people
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being in opposition to one another. I'm a man
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that thrives on peace. I need people to agree
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with not only me, but with each other, but mostly
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me. So I want to settle this feud, this debate
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between the trades. So I'll make some plumbing
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problems. Not like that. Like I'll bust a drain
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or something so that the plumber has to come.
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I will break a light switch so an electrician
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has to come out there and fix my light switch.
7:28
You know, they're not going to come at the same
7:29
time, of course. So I'll call the plumber out
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there or whoever arrives first. And I'll say,
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yeah, here's the issue. Here's where we're going
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to need fixing. And I let them get to work. They
7:39
fix the problem, of course. And then I say, hey,
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why don't you just follow me down into my basement
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here? You knew it was coming. We and Alan looked
7:47
at each other and we were like, there's going
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to be a basement involved. You go down Evan's
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house, a basement's involved. A lot of your stories
7:52
do end in basements. Well, I've got my basement
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just all tricked out. There's like tons of candy
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and TV screens and couches and stuff. It's a
8:03
real man cave. So I wouldn't even say that I
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kidnapped the guy. I don't force him to stay
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down there. But if you load a man up with enough
8:11
ketamine, he's going to pass out on your couch.
8:15
In your basement. How do you administer the ketamine?
8:18
And why is it with a blow dart gun from Aboriginal
8:21
Australia? That's a great question. So about
8:26
two years ago, I went on a safari. And by safari,
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you mean you just went to the Rainforest Cafe?
8:30
Yeah. The one with the giant monkey. Yeah. That
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when the lightning strikes, that's when I also
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strike. Perfect timing. What are you striking?
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I strike the blow dart section of the Rainforest
8:45
Cafe. You know how they keep a couple blow darts
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handy next to all of their mannequins. In case
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you need to put one down if one comes to life
8:53
in a night at the museum situation. You know
8:57
how Rainforest Cafe likes to think ahead. They
9:01
plan for everything. I did snag an aboriginal
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blow dart gun from a Rainforest Cafe and I've
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kept it at my house for the last two years to
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just ensure, you know, anytime ketamine needs
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to be administered in a non -lethal dose that
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I'm able to do that from a distance because I
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don't want them to see it was me. How big is
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that distance? Because something tells me you're
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not very good at using this blow dart gun. How
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far away would you say we are right now? You
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and me or what? maybe six feet seven feet we
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should close that distance okay but shorter than
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that what he's not telling you is the blow dart
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gun the blow dart gun's at least three feet long
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okay um so it's point blank yeah and we're closer
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yeah uh than this so it's it's i'd stick it up
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to his neck Just give it a good blow. Now, is
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it true that when you got this aboriginal blow
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dart gun, you also got an aboriginal man as well
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to help you hold that? Well, everybody needs
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a companion. So I don't like to feel like I do
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these things alone. Because, you know, if you're
10:02
one man in a basement shooting ketamine into
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another man, then you feel like a psycho. Yeah.
10:08
But if you've kidnapped a tribesman. If you have
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an aboriginal that's hanging on the end of your
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blow dart gun, then you have an accomplice and
10:16
you don't feel so alone. Okay. Because what's
10:19
robbing a bank as one man when you could rob
10:21
a bank as two men? Then you're a posse. Then
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you might go into an old Western movie. It's
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cool. Then you have a connection with someone
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else. Now you've got that third tradesman. I
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mean. Exactly. Sort of a softball team. Exactly.
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And just think about it. Just think about it.
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I've knocked out this plumber, sure. And when
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he awakens, the electrician will be there. You
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know plumbers hate electricians. You know it.
10:42
They're always getting in each other's way. He's
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probably going to help me. We went from a posse
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to a team to take out this electrician. Well,
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not take out. Wait, you're choosing sides? I
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thought the whole point was to get them to come
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together. So listen, listen. They already hate
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each other, so I'm just going to use him in this
10:58
moment to also knock out the electrician so that
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I can set up a better meeting situation so that
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they can really talk through their differences.
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I kind of imagined, okay, here's how I imagine
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the situation. Is he lets in the Saturday worker,
11:12
blue collar guy, handyman, fix it all, you know,
11:15
masculine. Man of the podcast. Yeah. He goes,
11:17
why don't you come down to my basement? You know
11:19
how you talk. You're so feminine compared to
11:24
this guy that you sound like that. And you dress
11:26
up as a girl. It's a blonde wig. It's a whole
11:28
thing. You're not fooling him, but what else
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is he going to do? He's got a job to do. You're
11:33
like, why'd you come down to my basement? And
11:34
you go down to the basement. It looks like a
11:36
rainforest cafe in there. It looks like the Amazon
11:39
jungle. And humid. And humid. It's for some reason
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so humid. So humid. And there's like war drums
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happening somewhere in the background of this
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basement. And then, you know, he walks in. He
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looks around confused. He doesn't see you by
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his side. He turns around. Boom. You and the
11:56
aboriginal right there. Sticks it right to his
11:58
neck. Suits him with a ketamine gun. He falls
12:00
over, fades to black, wakes up, another blue
12:03
collar manly worker, the electrician's there
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in a fight pit. You toss a couple weapons, some
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crude made weapons like spears and knives, and
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you're just like, fight it out? Am I on the right
12:17
track? I think this is what I'm hearing. Yeah,
12:19
so that is... I was kind of beating around the
12:22
bush. I'm not going to lie. Literally. I didn't
12:24
want to... Literally. The bush I was beating
12:27
around was the fight pit. Thank you. Talk about
12:30
the elephant in the room there. And there is
12:32
an elephant in the room. Well, it is a rainforest
12:34
cafe because there's elephants in the rainforest
12:35
for some reason. Yeah, and the only way to really
12:39
get to peace is through man on man, seeing who's
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the toughest, seeing who lives at the end of
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the day. If one's dead, then there's nothing
12:46
else to fight about. So like I said, I just want
12:49
peace. So I do make them fight to the death.
12:52
Sure, of course you do. Are you dressed up in
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like a chieftain type attire? Maybe big headset?
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with feathers really mixing your uh mixing your
13:03
aboriginal uh yes people i don't mean to sound
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like they're all the same to me but but they
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are but this is evan's fantasy so i i just assume
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this is what he's dressed up in little loincloth
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little loincloth does not need a larger loincloth
13:23
a couple inches is enough Turns around, that
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loincloth is tacked to a thong. You see a cheek.
13:31
Leopard thong, of course. Okay, so this is just
13:34
lingerie. Hey, that's just how they do it at
13:36
the Rainforest Cafe. It's the Rainforest Cafe.
13:39
I'm trying to blend into the environment. Leopards
13:41
have those prints for a reason. Sure. It's called
13:46
camouflage. Yeah, sure. But you want to be seen.
13:50
Not that part. Nobody shows that much cheek and
13:53
doesn't want to be seen. In fact, you would have
13:56
been seen. You do like a halftime show. I do
13:59
break them up. And I say, boys, boys, now. And
14:02
then I walk out there and I dance. And I do a
14:04
little Shakira dance to Hips Don't Lie. Because,
14:08
of course, my hips, they obviously do not lie.
14:10
They don't lie. But one of them does lie on the
14:13
ground. The hips does. The hips do. No, the men.
14:16
Okay. Because they're going to die. I thought
14:18
you were falling apart. The years of ketamine
14:23
use have really taken a toll on my body. That'll
14:26
do it. So it's not far off, but I am not lying
14:30
on the ground yet. Okay. They're lying on the
14:31
ground, bloodied. You're in the middle doing
14:34
Shakira dance with, I assume you're tossing a
14:37
fire stick around. Fire stick. And then I had
14:39
the Aboriginal man also dancing around me, kind
14:42
of as a backup dancer. Yeah. And how does that,
14:45
like, let's say you get done with your little
14:46
halftime show. How does that, how do you get
14:49
it started back going? Because, I mean, how many
14:50
people do you have in the basement at this point?
14:52
How many tradesmen? So, I've definitely got a
14:54
plumber and electrician. I think a carpenter
14:57
would be a good man to throw in there. HVAC?
14:59
Yeah, you see, the thing with HVAC people is
15:01
they're usually the heavier set man. So... Sure.
15:06
Oh, you have a type. Okay. Yeah, well, no. Not
15:09
like I don't want to... Not like I don't like
15:11
HVAC people. Just like... You don't like them
15:14
that big. I don't want to... You can't come in
15:17
my house. Your BMI is too much. No. I just don't
15:20
want to put them at a disadvantage, you know,
15:21
because they're going to obviously be at a disadvantage
15:23
in a fight. So what do you do with the heavyset
15:26
HVAC guys? Are they like your weird, sexy slave
15:28
that sits next to you on your throne? No. God,
15:32
they're a weird, sexy, indentured servant. Like,
15:35
you keep throwing around the word slave, and
15:40
I just don't appreciate that, because that's
15:42
just not... I'm sorry, I thought that's what
15:44
you're getting. Okay, that's what you got hung
15:45
up on there, okay. I feel like you're taking
15:47
me in the wrong, you're putting me in the wrong
15:49
light here, and I don't appreciate that part.
15:51
Yeah, you kind of had us go in there with the
15:53
fact that you care about them. You don't want
15:55
them to die horribly in the fight. Well, I just
15:57
don't want them in a fight, yeah. It's not entertaining.
15:59
Yeah. You're like a boxing promoter. You just
16:03
want to put out the best product you can. Yeah,
16:05
and just get rid of the rest. I think it's entertaining.
16:08
I mean, if you would like to invite Alan and
16:09
I to one of your fights, not to be in it. We
16:11
are not men of trade. We're not men of trade.
16:13
If you could relate it to a movie like Gladiator,
16:16
would you be like men fighting on my side at
16:22
the beginning of the movie where he's... Leading
16:24
a charge. Would you be like men behind me in
16:26
that charge as I'm fighting people on horseback?
16:29
Yeah, I think I'd appreciate the speech you're
16:33
giving me before that final charge into the woods
16:36
during that battle. Zach, how about you? I could
16:39
do that. I could do that. Cool. Can I be on the
16:41
horseback with you, though? Like right behind
16:43
you? Well, yeah. I would expect that is where
16:46
we would start. We would all start on the horse.
16:48
Oh, okay. We're all three on the same horse.
16:50
Well, Alan's in front, I'm in the middle, and
16:52
then you're in the back. Can we call it bareback?
16:55
We can call it brokeback. Yeah. That's good.
16:59
Okay, well, if that's the case, then I'm absolutely
17:01
into whatever situation we're playing out there.
17:05
Like in the movie, Brokeback. I think that's
17:12
cool. So you just, you kidnap them by blowing
17:15
a dart of ketamine with your aboriginal friend.
17:19
Take them down, make them fight. You do a halftime
17:22
show? Really glossed over that one. Yeah. I think
17:25
that's very cool. All right, Alan, you have an
17:27
issue with something in your house. You make
17:29
the call to a professional, a tradesman. How
17:32
do you handle that stranger going into your house?
17:33
Honestly, I don't really think of him as a stranger.
17:36
I think of them more of like a hero. And so what
17:40
I want to do is to make them think that I'm equally
17:44
as impressive. So what I do is when they come
17:47
to the door, I put on fish bottoms like a merman.
17:54
Like a fin? Yeah, the tail. The fish tail. You
18:00
know the one. You know, the fish bottoms. They're
18:02
really tight. It takes a lot to get into it.
18:06
You know, just wear normal clothes up top. But
18:08
yeah, fish bottom. And I answer the door. But
18:11
of course, like any good mer person, I'm not
18:15
at my peak out of the water. So, I mean, I'm
18:17
on the floor reaching up to open the door. I'm
18:21
answering the door laying on the ground, but
18:24
I want to be cool for this guy. And so I'm playing
18:27
it real cool. You have sunglasses on. I've got
18:31
sunglasses on. You got a cigarette in your mouth.
18:33
Cigarette in my mouth. I've got a cigarette behind
18:36
my ear just in case. Both ears. Yeah, both ears.
18:41
Cigarettes in your front pocket. I'm texting.
18:45
I got my phone in hand. I'm barely even looking
18:48
at him. And I say something like, oh, hey. What
18:50
are you here for? Like, I'm too cool to even
18:54
know who this guy is. Your stupid fishtail flapping.
18:57
It's slapping on the hardwood floor. It does
19:00
not do well out of water. See, I mean, I'm a
19:02
little insecure about these strong tradesmen
19:07
that know how to do something. And so I'm just
19:10
trying to play it real cool as they come to the
19:12
house. That is very cool. How wet are you? What
19:17
do you mean by that? Yeah, let me explain. I
19:21
realize that questions like that can really set
19:23
us off. When that tradesman comes into your house,
19:27
you're on the floor looking like an 80s bully.
19:30
You know, looking really cool. Yeah, yeah. Does
19:32
it look like you just came out of the water?
19:34
It does because I did. Okay, okay. That's what
19:37
I was looking for. What I've done is I've sort
19:39
of got an 8x8 plexiglass pool in my living room.
19:45
Because, you know, he's going to walk in this
19:47
house and he's going to think, Well, this guy's
19:49
obviously faking it, not a real mer guy. Doesn't
19:51
even have any standing water in the house. Like,
19:53
how am I supposed to believe that this is a real
19:55
tail? Or fish bottom, as some people call it.
19:58
So we've got that tank, and one of the things
20:00
I ask him to do when he gets there is, you know,
20:01
as a sort of a bonding, I'm saying, hey, will
20:04
you be able to help me into my tank? Oh, okay,
20:06
so he's like a groom taking his new bride to
20:08
their marriage bed. I think of it more like...
20:10
Would you say it's like that? Would you say it's
20:12
just like that? I think of it more like he's
20:14
the fisherman, and I'm the fish that he's throwing
20:17
to the person that's buying me. He slides you
20:22
across the table? That's just as romantic. He
20:24
throws me into that tank of water, probably ruining
20:28
my cigarettes, but... You try to light them up.
20:32
It's fine. It's not an addiction. I mean, I can
20:35
go without them, but... You can quit any time.
20:37
I can quit at any time. But you can't swim in
20:40
that tail, so you're... You're struggling. Yeah,
20:44
it's rough. If I land wrong and I can't get my
20:47
hands up top to the edge of that tank, I'm flailing
20:50
around. I'm having a huge problem because that
20:52
tail comes up to my armpits. Oh, okay. Yeah,
20:56
yeah. And so it's, I mean, it's very heavy. Not
20:58
an easy thing to navigate with. So you don't
21:01
have like the Little Mermaid shell bra on. No,
21:05
I don't. Dang it. I was really hoping for the
21:07
shell bra. I kind of thought you were. It's going
21:14
to the snake bank. I'm thinking it. Yeah. Okay.
21:16
Note that one down for later. What kind of lubricant
21:20
are you using to slide in? Let me rephrase. What
21:22
kind of lubricant are you using to get into the
21:24
fishtail? Because I assume, yeah, sure, you've
21:27
taped your legs together. Yeah, sure, you're
21:28
spotless. I assume you're using like... You know,
21:33
maybe you just melt some butter or ghee. You
21:37
put it on the ground in the kitchen. You just
21:38
roll around. Butter would be a great idea. I
21:42
actually use like a lot of banana boat sunscreen.
21:44
Okay. Just because it's got it around the house.
21:48
You know, we've got to use it or it'll go bad.
21:50
And you just like the smell. And I do. I love
21:53
the smell. A lot of coconut, you know. Yeah.
21:55
And you have a separate. 8x8 plexiglass tub just
21:59
full of the sunscreen that you jump in to get
22:02
lubed up. Yep, that's exactly right. You have
22:04
to jump into that tub first, lube up, tape your
22:08
legs up, get in the tail, jump into the next
22:11
8x8 plexiglass water tank. But that's just the
22:15
cleaning tank. There's another 8x8 plexiglass.
22:18
You're right, and I had forgotten about it. You
22:20
do need to... You do need to kind of wash off
22:24
that excess sunscreen that wasn't used as a lubricant
22:27
for the tail. So, yeah, really use that second
22:30
tank two, as we call it. Use tank two to kind
22:33
of get yourself clean. Yeah. And you got little
22:36
fish in tank two, right? That come up and kind
22:38
of like nibble at your bits to try to get you
22:41
clean. That tail's tight. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you
22:44
know, like you've heard like a symbiotic relationship.
22:47
Exactly. You know, like I feed the fish. They.
22:51
Clean the tail. I thought it was weird that you
22:54
put sucker fish in there, too, like the ones
22:56
that stick on the nurse sharks. Oh, yeah. Remoras?
23:01
Yeah, remoras. I thought it was weird you put
23:04
those in there, so when you jump from... tank
23:05
two, they're kind of like stuck on there and
23:07
they kind of just follow you around. And then
23:09
you're just sitting out there and with the tradesman's
23:11
coming, just some remoras stuck to your legs
23:13
and he's... You look like a sea mammal. Yeah,
23:17
you're just playing it cool. You don't have to
23:19
answer this question because we know what happens.
23:21
That was just an observation. Yeah, it was a
23:23
question. Oh, was it? Okay. No, it wasn't. Let
23:27
me ask you this. Based off of Evan's observation
23:29
of what happens with you with the remoras, do
23:32
you make the tradesman maybe narrate you swimming
23:36
around, or I should say struggling around in
23:39
one of the tanks as if he's David Attenborough
23:41
narrating a documentary. Yeah, and just like
23:44
David Attenborough, I make sure that he gets,
23:47
I tell him he's got a minimum of three sentences
23:49
about global warming that he's gotta talk about.
23:52
Gotta fit him in. And if he can't find a way
23:54
to fit him in, we're starting over again. But
23:58
you do it real cool. But I do it real cool. That's
24:00
right. I'm on my phone, dude. I'm like, hey,
24:03
make sure you make that comment about global
24:04
warming. I just need three comments. I don't
24:08
even care about it, but just do it. At what point
24:12
does this turn into a SeaWorld situation? I assume
24:15
it does. I assume, you know, maybe after the
24:18
documentary narration that you make this guy
24:21
do, maybe you give him like a little Shamu SeaWorld
24:23
situation where you're doing flips and doing
24:25
different dolphin noises. Yeah, that'll be tank
24:28
four. Okay. Tank four, final tank. Is this a
24:33
movie? This is a bad iteration of a movie. Yeah,
24:38
the tankening. This tank has seating all around
24:42
it. Oh, okay. But it's only him that's there.
24:45
Yeah. And that tank is full of Glacier Freeze
24:50
Gatorade, which looks just like water. But I
24:54
get to drink it, unlike water, which I don't
24:57
drink. Well, I mean, if you're doing all the
24:59
acrobatics and that, you need to hydrate, so
25:01
that makes sense. I mean, you've got electrolytes,
25:02
baby. You know, you're talking about maybe doing
25:05
a SeaWorld exhibit for yourself where the tradesman
25:07
is the only... Like the hit documentary, Blackfish,
25:13
you eventually kill a trainer right in front
25:16
of this tradesman. But here's the thing. He empathizes
25:20
with you. He said, this is a wild animal. He
25:22
shouldn't be kept in captivity. He's making posters
25:25
that say, shut down whatever you, Alan's house.
25:30
Definitely. Yeah, whatever this is. And I just
25:33
want to say, I don't support the Blackface documentary.
25:36
Nope. Blackfish. Black, oh. Blackfish. It's good
25:40
that you don't support the Blackface documentary.
25:42
I probably don't support that one either, then.
25:44
Really? I want to see that one. I mean, probably
25:53
nothing, really. We'd probably just gloss over
25:55
it, I guess. Blackface documentary. Well, it's
26:01
good that you don't support Blackface. But you
26:03
are in Blackface. Because you're trying to be...
26:06
You're Shamu. Yeah, you're trying to be a killer
26:08
whale. So you're in Blackface as you do these
26:10
tricks. I try to be a killer whale. I've got
26:13
the fake eyes painted on me. a nerve, anybody
26:17
watching. He attacks any seal he sees. Any seal.
26:22
And he took that wrong. So it's like rubber seals,
26:25
O -rings, just any type of seal. We don't have
26:32
any live seals in there. It's just rubber seals.
26:36
That's why he needed the plumber because all
26:38
the seals on his pipes are just... damage from
26:41
where he is just going after him. Yeah, and I've
26:45
got, like, frozen Gatorade Glacier Freeze Frost
26:48
in that tank where I go underwater, I come up,
26:52
and I break the ice, and I drown those seals,
26:55
you know? Honestly, we joke about him being the
27:00
only person watching this, but it sounds very
27:03
entertaining. I'd go. Yeah. I'd watch this. I
27:07
think there might be an audience. Maybe something
27:09
we'll take on the road, me and the tradesman.
27:12
Oh, okay. You're looking for a business partner.
27:14
It's cool that you're not going to Evan and I
27:15
first with this. You're just going with some
27:17
random stranger. He just picked a plumber. Well,
27:21
he's got knowledge of the seals. And to be honest
27:23
with you, I don't know that either of you are
27:26
familiar with seals. Evan's the one that came
27:28
up with the seal concept. I could become familiar.
27:32
Like, how hard is it? You know, they just like...
27:34
Keep things contained. Is that what she just
27:36
said about the trades? How hard is it? How hard
27:40
could it be? Anyone could do it. They're not
27:42
educated. You don't even have to go to college
27:46
for it. Oh, man. You work on Saturdays. Oh, man.
27:58
Still setting that alarm. Well, Alan, I think
28:02
that's good. I think Evan and I can agree that
28:04
that is a very entertaining thing to do with
28:06
a stranger where you put in a fishtail. You look
28:09
cool. You act cool. You have multiple thousand
28:13
-gallon tanks in your house somehow defying physics
28:17
and space itself. Love an open concept. That's
28:21
what we got going on here. You basically recreate
28:23
SeaWorld and attack trainers and seals for the
28:28
entertainment of this one. plumber who's just
28:30
like, I need to do my job and get out of here.
28:33
I have other calls. God, I hate these seals too.
28:37
So like y 'all, I kind of take on this form of
28:41
entertainment for a tradesman coming into the
28:44
house to fix the house that I can't fix because
28:46
I'm not man enough. I want to entertain them,
28:48
but not in the sense that y 'all kind of entertain
28:50
them where it's entertainment in and of itself.
28:54
Y 'all are big fans of... cop shows you're a
28:58
big fans of things like law and order uh csi
29:01
bluey blue blue okay bluey yeah i bleed blue
29:05
yeah yeah blues blues clues blue lives matter
29:10
yeah okay bluey and blues clues you know you
29:15
get it the thin blue line yeah you know the cop
29:18
shows that we're all used to seeing but everybody
29:20
loves us so some of the most popular shows on
29:22
tv well not everybody gets to live The experience
29:25
of a detective. Nobody ever gets to live the
29:29
experience of a beat cop. Nobody gets to live
29:31
the experience of solving a case. I want to do
29:35
that for this tradesman. I want to give them
29:38
the experience of being a detective. So here's
29:40
what happens. I have a plumbing issue. I have
29:42
an HVAC issue. I have whatever issue. They knock
29:45
on the door. I open it. Immediately, I look like
29:48
somebody from CSI. I have the glasses on, the
29:50
cool jacket. I say something like, I'm glad you're
29:53
here. I would say, one deceased, gunshot wound
29:56
to the back of the head, no cameras. So he would
29:59
be confused. He's walking through the house.
30:00
There's people taking crime scene photographs.
30:03
There's people doing the little brush strokes
30:06
as they look for fingerprints. In the middle
30:08
of my living room, a dead person. There's a dead
30:10
person. Blood everywhere. This was a gruesome
30:12
crime. I say, what do you got? He just got here.
30:16
It's not really well thought out, but I say,
30:18
so what do you got? I make him kneel down next
30:22
to the body, and we really look at it. Y 'all
30:25
are on all fours? Yeah. You're making him sniff
30:28
it? Yeah, I make him get right next to it. He's
30:31
grossed out. He's throwing up. I say, stop contaminating
30:34
the scene. You're not a very good cop. We're
30:38
professionals here. He's a rookie. He's a rookie.
30:41
He just started. He throws up, I'm like, new
30:45
guys. I say something like, I nudge the other
30:48
cop next to me and I say, new guys. You're like
30:50
David Caruso from CSI Miami. You've been on the
30:53
job for a while. You're an old pro. Nothing surprises
30:56
me. And speaking of CSI Miami, I'll do a cool
31:00
ending line right before the opening credits
31:03
happen. I have somebody in the background singing
31:06
that The Who song as I say that. If it's an electrician,
31:13
you could say something like, this is all really
31:15
shocking, but let's find out who holds the power.
31:27
If it's a plumber, you could say, looks like
31:30
his life's been drained. If it was an HVAC guy,
31:44
you could say, there's nothing cool about a cold
31:46
corpse. Yeah, but exactly. I would say really
31:56
cool stuff like that. The person behind me would
31:59
immediately start singing that The Who song.
32:02
So it really gives this tradesman the full effect.
32:05
And then, you know, after he gets over his initial
32:07
death shock of seeing a dead body for the first
32:10
time, we'll start going through the process of
32:12
being detective. It'll be like a set. on a theater
32:15
set up on stage where each room is a different
32:18
scene. So the living room was the murder scene.
32:22
And you know, we've, we have all the pictures.
32:24
Maybe the bedroom is like where we start asking
32:27
questions to the slutty ex -wife, you know, that
32:31
we're, we're interviewing who's, who's responsible
32:33
for this. Who are the suspects? Maybe one is
32:36
the lab where we go in and it's some like lesbian
32:39
looking. alt girl in the lab. Because they all
32:43
seem to have that. The lab person is always a
32:46
little bit off. Yeah, the eccentric person. The
32:49
eccentric personality. In the morgue kind of
32:51
situation. That's that. There's the morgue situation
32:55
where we go to the medical examiner. He's telling
32:58
us crazy things like, we pumped his stomach.
33:01
It was full of marbles and weird stuff like that.
33:04
And you put the marbles there. I put the marbles
33:06
in there. I had to make the case interesting.
33:08
Where do they do the autopsy at? What room of
33:10
the house? Because you've got to have a lot of
33:11
room for everybody to be in there. Surely that's
33:14
your son's room. Surely it's what? It's your
33:16
son's room. Oh, yeah. You already got all the
33:18
toys in there. He's in the crib. The body is
33:21
laid in the crib. The medical examiner has done
33:25
the autopsy. You know, the body's all flipped
33:27
open. And the medical examiner is your son? Yes,
33:30
the medical examiner is a two -year -old boy.
33:32
He has a lab coat. But of course, the dead body
33:35
doesn't fit in the crib, so the legs hanging
33:38
out it's all squished in there and his your son's
33:43
uh medical tools are the operation game exactly
33:46
it's just like little plastic tools he's speaking
33:50
jibber -jabber but i'm pretending i know what
33:52
he's saying and i'm like i'm like he had water
33:55
in his lungs and like we found him in the middle
33:58
of a living room and you know like stuff like
34:01
that you get through the scene and you're like
34:03
talking to the Your tradesman partner now, and
34:06
you're like, this medical examiner guy, he's
34:08
good. He's the best in Miami. We're in Memphis.
34:13
It's confusing. But yeah, I slowly take him through
34:16
this. Maybe one room. The bathroom. It's small.
34:19
It's quaint. It's the interrogation room. It
34:21
has the big metal table, the metal chairs, the
34:24
double -sided window. And we're interviewing
34:27
one of the suspects, our top suspect. But the
34:30
double -sided window is just in front of the
34:33
shower. Yeah, the double -sided window is just
34:36
the shower. So you and him are sitting in the
34:38
shower looking out into the rest of the bathroom.
34:41
And the shower's on, obviously. Well, we want
34:45
to do the cool, like... cool rain scene where
34:48
we're sitting but you know we're we're doubling
34:50
up on the scene so let's just get the shower
34:53
you got a budget so you need to do two scenes
34:55
in one and we're we're looking at the guy sitting
34:58
on the other side of the quote -unquote double
35:00
-sided glass we're talking about and we're like
35:02
do you think he's it how strong do you think
35:04
his alibi is the guy who's just another tradesman
35:08
by the way did i tell you all that deal did i
35:10
tell you that the other tradesmen are playing
35:13
maybe i want the this tradesman to be the detective
35:16
and experience that. Maybe I want the other tradesman
35:18
to experience a life of a murderer. So one of
35:21
the tradesmen is the slutty ex -wife? Yes, one
35:24
of the tradesmen is a slutty. It's the HVAC guy.
35:26
He's big. He looks good in a bra. So he's the
35:31
slutty ex -wife. It's not her. It's never the
35:35
person you most expect. And you're like crime
35:37
scene photographers and stuff. We're all tradesmen
35:39
too? Yeah, there's a lot of stuff going on in
35:42
my house. Dead man is a tradesman. Yeah, he's
35:44
a tradesman too. He was the first tradesman.
35:46
Whoever the first tradesman that got to the house
35:49
is the unlucky guy. And he's actually dead. Yeah,
35:51
this is an actual death. But we're making it
35:53
real. We're making it real. I appreciate your
35:56
dedication to the craft. Yeah. I feel like this
35:58
isn't going to be a hard crime to solve, though.
36:01
You don't think so? You think you've solved the
36:02
crime? Yeah. Because we've been working on this
36:04
case for months and we can't figure it out. You
36:07
think you can just waltz in here with your fancy
36:12
degree and tell us how to do our job. We haven't
36:16
been able to crack the case at all. Do you have
36:18
like other tradesmen that are supposed to be
36:20
the victim's family? And they're like. It's his
36:22
actual family. Oh God. Yeah. But they're calling.
36:26
They keep calling and they're like. do you have
36:28
any updates on the case? We need progress. They're
36:30
very annoying, yeah. And you're like, talk to
36:32
my partner here. He's the one, he's the lead
36:34
on the case. Oh, I blame it on him. Yeah, that's
36:36
cool. We haven't made any progress because he's
36:38
working. He's new. He doesn't know. He doesn't
36:41
know. He asks dumb questions. Yeah. Like, when
36:44
can I leave? Where is your broken toilet? You're
36:49
like two hours in and you're like, this is starting
36:52
to become a cold case. I think we may have to
36:55
just kind of close the file on this one. soon.
36:57
Yeah, a lot of them do go cold because neither
36:59
of us are real detectives. You know, it's all
37:01
in an effort to give someone the experience of
37:05
one of the coolest parts of media out there,
37:08
and that's being a detective. Solving a crime.
37:11
And true crime at that. And true crime at that.
37:14
Yeah, but that's what I do. I just want to give
37:15
somebody the experience of one of the coolest
37:18
parts of media out there, only followed by an
37:20
old western, you know? But yeah, just the detective
37:23
show. CSI Miami, Law and Order, Blue's Clues.
37:28
And then it ends with produced by Dick Wolf.
37:31
Yeah, Dick Wolf is the producer of it. It's really
37:34
a guy just named Wolf, but he's just a douchebag.
37:37
He's just a jerk. So we call him Dick Wolf. But
37:39
hey, he produces it. Yeah, he produces it. But
37:43
yeah, that's what I do. That's what I do when
37:44
a tradesman comes over. But yeah, there you go.
37:46
That's what we do. when a tradesman has to come
37:49
over and fix something in our house. So, you
37:53
know, you're more than welcome to do the same.
37:55
I think it works out great. But there are some
37:58
people that need advice from the three wisest
38:02
people on this planet. So let's give them advice.
38:05
How can I help? What can I do? I need help. All
38:11
right, back to the... classic segment where we
38:14
give needy people advice all right a super simple
38:17
email probably the lowest word count we've ever
38:20
gotten but it's a good question and this is this
38:23
is from rachel now rachel asked this very simple
38:26
question how do you know if a man is attracted
38:31
to you now we're three men here we have experienced
38:35
being a man So who better to give Rachel the
38:38
advice on how men show attraction to somebody?
38:42
So what are some of the ways that men show attraction?
38:44
Rachel, I think it's an important distinction
38:46
here. I think it's important to know when a man
38:49
is attracted to you so you don't accidentally
38:51
go out and do something stupid and make yourself
38:54
look stupid by taking hints the wrong way. So
38:57
I want to pose a question to you, Rachel. Have
39:00
you ever seen a little movie called Gladiator?
39:04
Well, there's a sequel to Gladiator. It's called
39:07
Gladiator 2. Okay. Within Gladiator 2, there's
39:11
a character named Marcinus. It's Denzel Washington's
39:14
character. I don't know. But Denzel Washington's
39:16
in Gladiator 2. Denzel Washington is also in
39:19
a movie called The Equalizer, where he goes and
39:23
defends those that are vulnerable. If a man is
39:27
willing to defend you when you're being attacked
39:30
by... I don't know, a drug dealer or someone
39:33
trying to get money from you, a robber, then
39:35
that man may like you. So my suggestion is if
39:39
you want to know if a man likes you, put yourself
39:41
in a risky situation. Get yourself kidnapped.
39:45
Maybe make a bad deal with a drug dealer and
39:48
don't pay him all the money that he's owed. Have
39:50
a pimp. Have a pimp. And whenever they come to
39:58
collect, see if... See if man is willing to defend
40:03
you. And if he is, that man likes you. Oh, that's
40:06
great. Really take some very final decisions.
40:12
Make a final situation and just hope that he
40:16
likes you. You'll know. You will. So that was
40:21
your question. It wasn't how do I know if he
40:24
likes me and live through the night. Maybe more
40:27
specific if that's your question. Be more specific.
40:31
And if you see a middle -aged black man giving
40:34
kind of folksy wisdom and just kind of always
40:37
loitering, you might be in Equalizer 4, starring
40:41
Denzel Washington. Who is also in Gladiator 2,
40:44
which is a sequel to Gladiator. Rachel, this
40:46
is my advice to you. You know a man will like
40:49
you by this one simple trick. This is a BuzzFeed
40:53
article, all of a sudden. Nine out of ten doctors
40:57
hate this trick. If a man likes you and he sees
41:00
a challenger on the horizon, he sees maybe another
41:04
suitor for you, he's going to don some chainmail,
41:08
some armor, a sweet knight helmet. I don't know
41:13
what they're called, but they have little slits
41:15
in them. I don't know how they see anything.
41:16
They'll mount a horse. They'll take a big old
41:19
rod. Did he say he mounted that horse? He'll
41:24
mount the horse in front of you. He mounted that
41:26
rod? He'll take a jousting spear, and he'll run
41:29
down any suitor that he sees. So go out in public,
41:33
flirt with some guys, and if you hear the clip
41:36
-clops of a horse running at you, and you see
41:39
a jousting spear go from one ear... Through the
41:43
other. You'll know that he has it out for you.
41:45
You'll give your dainty little handkerchief to
41:47
him like they did back in those times for some
41:49
reason. It'll have snot on it. It's allergy season,
41:53
you know. But basically, he'll joust for you.
41:56
He'll run down some suitors. You see a lance
41:59
just come out of nowhere, shatter into a man's
42:03
chest, and that man may like you. Yeah, both
42:05
men. The one guy's dead. Wait, which one's going
42:08
to like you? Yeah. Which one do you know? the
42:10
dead guy you know liked you if both guys like
42:14
you to come it'll turn out to like a knight's
42:18
tale situation when now they're just doing a
42:20
classic jousting that's less fun i i i want surprise
42:24
murder to happen essentially all right alan what's
42:28
one way a guy shows That he's attracted to somebody.
42:31
I think a guy is going to show you that he's
42:34
attracted to you if he is requesting you to do
42:38
menial tasks. Let's say you get a call from a
42:41
guy and he says, hey, will you be able to house
42:42
sit for me? I'm going out of town with a lady
42:45
friend. I need you to house sit for me. Well,
42:48
he probably likes you. He probably finds you
42:51
attractive. He's probably just playing hard to
42:52
get. By being in a relationship. By being in
42:54
a relationship. If he asks you to pick his girlfriend
42:59
up from the airport, he's probably just kind
43:01
of seeing how you're going to navigate that situation.
43:03
If you said no, then you're obviously not the
43:06
one for him. I think he wants to see if you'll
43:09
become the dominant person there. The dominant
43:13
person? Do all his manual tasks involve his current
43:17
girlfriend? Yeah, all of the tasks. involve his
43:21
current girlfriend. He's just testing the waters.
43:23
So basically he's like, my girlfriend's hungry.
43:26
Take her to go get food. Go through the drive
43:29
-thru. That way he doesn't have to do it. Yeah.
43:31
Somebody else is taking care of the situation
43:33
and you think that he thinks you're attractive.
43:37
Is the girlfriend a vegetable? Why does she need
43:40
so much help? That's what I was thinking. Hey,
43:42
my girlfriend needs you to bathe her. And he
43:46
just doesn't want to do it. Which sounds kinky
43:48
until you get in there and it's an electric wheelchair.
43:51
She's comatose. Yeah. He's just looking to get
43:55
out of responsibilities. Yeah, well, he sounds
43:58
like he's just trying to get out of responsibilities
44:00
from taking care of a special needs girlfriend.
44:04
Oof. Not mentally. Special needs can be physically,
44:07
too, by the way. You know, a vegetable, you know,
44:10
paraplegic girlfriend. I think just one way to,
44:13
simple way to know, is this guy into you, is
44:17
he requesting you to do things for him? Yeah,
44:19
it sounds like he's kind of just wanting you
44:20
to be a slave at that point. Housemaid. You don't
44:24
really use that word. Servant. An unpaid laborer.
44:31
That's how he knows he likes your work. But there
44:33
you go, Rachel. Three ways that you know when
44:37
a guy's attracted to you. Number one, he's going
44:39
to be Denzel Washington. So put yourself in very
44:44
precarious, very final situations. And if he
44:47
likes you, he will save you. But Denzel Washington
44:50
equalizer, not Denzel Washington Gladiator 2.
44:53
Just want to make sure. Yeah, we're going to
44:54
clear that out. Because he was a slave owner
44:56
in Gladiator 2. And I'm not. This is an Allen's
44:59
answer. Or very simply, if. he sees that you
45:07
have another suitor, he will become a jousting
45:10
knight and just take that person out through
45:12
jousting. Or finally, Alan's answer is very simple.
45:15
If he is attracted to you, he will ask you to
45:18
do things in an effort to dodge responsibility
45:21
from taking care of his paraplegic girlfriend
45:24
he currently has. He will not pay you for this,
45:27
but you'll still have to do it forcefully. But
45:30
there you go, Rachel. There are three ways that
45:32
guys... Find you attractive. Write us back in.
45:35
Tell us if the guy that you are pursuing has
45:38
any of these qualities. But let's get into our
45:41
final segment where we, the three wisest people,
45:43
give each other deep, hot therapy. All right.
46:04
If you're a longtime listener of the Questionable
46:07
Detour podcast, you will recognize this segment.
46:09
As strong as we are, as capable as we are, as
46:12
well put together as we are, we still have a
46:15
lot of issues. Our psyche is fractured. We carry
46:19
baggage. We have mommy problems. We have daddy
46:24
problems. We have grandpa problems. Those run
46:29
deep. We just have a lot of issues. But also,
46:33
in the same breath, on the same side of the coin,
46:37
we are great therapists. Absolutely. And we know
46:43
how to solve those problems. For other people.
46:47
So today, Evan, if you know Evan, if you've been
46:51
here for a while, if you've been a listener,
46:53
you know Evan's got a lot of issues. Yeah. He
46:55
feigns experience. He feigns confidence. He's
46:59
not. No. He's got so many issues. Got a deep
47:02
bag, and that bag is full of problems. He literally
47:05
has a bag right now. Yep. I know you can't see
47:08
it because this is an audio medium. Evan is sitting
47:10
on this leather, tufted Chase Lounge. It's humid
47:15
and sticky, and my body just is... velcro to
47:18
this thing the ac is not working right now he's
47:21
taking his shoes off yeah he's just rubbing his
47:24
feet on it it's weird we've told him to make
47:26
himself feel comfortable but it's like when you're
47:29
putting saran wrap on a bowl and you just got
47:31
to keep trying it's just sticking oh that's how
47:34
my feet feel right now and me and alan me and
47:37
alan are in tweed three -piece suits round glasses
47:41
old school hair pieces we're not bald we just
47:45
wear the hair pieces It's hair pieces on top
47:48
of hair. Alan's actually wearing a hat, so it's
47:51
an hair piece on top of a hat. But we have our
47:53
notepads. We have our years of education in psychology
47:58
and psychiatry. And we're about to crack Evan
48:01
open. Crack me, boys. Evan's a back, and we're
48:09
a high school desk. And we're about to crack
48:13
him wide open. I'm about to bend backwards on
48:16
you people. Evan's Humpty Dumpty when all the
48:19
men came. God bless. I'm falling down. All right,
48:28
so let's do it. You guys look very professional,
48:30
by the way. It's getting too hot and heavy in
48:32
here. All right, Evan. Thank you for coming to
48:34
our office. You're welcome. I mean, I'm paying
48:36
you, but you're welcome. Yeah. How much are we
48:38
charging him? You know, I think his insurance
48:40
is weirdly good. It covers everything. I've got
48:44
the best mental insurance I could. We're actually
48:46
paying him, I think. Well, no wonder he's so
48:50
relaxed. So tell us a little bit about yourself.
48:53
What are you coming in for today? How can we
48:56
help you? I'm in here today, boys. I got a real
48:59
problem. I can't sleep. I can't eat. All I can
49:02
think about is the movie Gladiator. I keep making
49:05
references to it, and I can't stop. It's becoming
49:09
a real problem. I can't do anything but make
49:12
Gladiator references. Anytime I go to sleep,
49:14
I just see Maximus Decimus Meridius fighting
49:16
in the arena, giving thumbs up, giving thumbs
49:19
down. Ugh. Anytime I eat, I just see his dead
49:23
family hanging from the rafters of their burnt
49:25
house. I just need help. I don't know how to
49:29
get Gladiator out of my head. Let me ask you
49:33
this. Do you want it out of your head? No, not
49:35
really. Okay. Oh, I guess we're done. Okay, wrap
49:39
it up. Okay, so tell us a little bit about your
49:43
upbringing. Because, you know, a lot of times
49:45
in psychology, your upbringing plays a huge part
49:48
in who you are because it's your foundation.
49:52
How is your relationship with your family? Were
49:55
they burnt from the rafters? You know, funny
49:57
you say that. They actually were. When I was
50:01
near 20s, I was married with a young boy, and
50:05
I had just a giant wheat field out front of my
50:08
house. I used to stroll through this wheat field
50:11
and just daydream about my family. When they
50:14
were alive. When they were alive, yeah. I did
50:16
it when they were alive. You didn't spend time
50:18
with them. You just daydreamed about them. I
50:21
just like to think about them. You just daydream
50:22
about them. Yeah. Then when I was away for some
50:25
time, they were hung from the rafters and burned
50:29
alive, of course. Then I went through the wheat
50:32
fields thinking, man, I wish I spent more time
50:35
with them when I was out here strolling through
50:37
the wheat fields daydreaming about them. I saw
50:40
Alan's writing. He's out writing furiously. You
50:43
really are. In his notebook. I mean, really.
50:46
It's really hard to. It's like pressing into
50:48
it. Smoke is coming off this number two pencil.
50:51
Basically, he has pushed through his notebook
50:53
and is writing on his desk. Are you mad at me?
50:57
What's going on over there? I've just got written
51:01
down conceptual family question mark. Do you
51:04
just love your family in theory only? Anytime
51:07
I was around them, I kind of hated them. I'm
51:10
not going to lie. And this weight, you carry
51:12
this weight around? It's a lot. It's a lot. You
51:17
know, you think about it, you lay down at night
51:20
and you're like... In the wheat field. In the
51:22
wheat field, of course. And you start daydreaming
51:25
because even though it's at night, you're still
51:27
daydreaming about your family and et cetera.
51:30
Grain. Grain. If you think about your family
51:33
while you're walking through the wheat field,
51:35
do you think about the wheat field while you're
51:37
walking through your family? And by walking through
51:42
your family, you mean walking through your family's
51:44
hung corpse over the doorway to get into your
51:47
home. You have to push them out of the way like
51:49
1970s door beads. Yeah. I mean, I obviously haven't
51:53
taken them down. They hang there in memoriam.
51:57
And again, you guys, you can read me like a book,
52:01
can't you? It's because you have written on you
52:04
everything that we're reading. Yeah, as I'm pushing
52:08
my family to the side, I'm just daydreaming about
52:11
grain. Like, God, I wish I was running my hand
52:14
through just a tuft of barley right now. You
52:16
know? Just some wheat. God. You just wish some
52:21
of that tall grain was rubbing your upper thigh.
52:24
Yeah, tickling my inner thigh. If Alan were to
52:29
take a trip with you to the wheat field, what
52:32
would he see? He'd see a man in mourning. But
52:34
what about at night? At night, he'd see a man
52:41
broken down in tears. And just a man in pain,
52:47
just broken by the things he's seen. Because
52:51
you've... You're literally broken like your ankle
52:53
is bending the opposite direction it should.
52:56
Yeah, there's a lot of potholes out here in the
52:58
wheat field that I stroll through constantly.
53:00
And I just have not, I haven't gotten around
53:03
to fill all the holes. So constantly breaking
53:05
my ankle. And then as I fall, I'm breaking my
53:08
arms and wrists. So yeah, a man broken in body
53:12
and spirit. And the memoriam of my family hanging
53:16
from the rafters. That you, as you said, just
53:19
push through. Squeeze on by. But you do it with
53:24
the same dreamy effect as you do with the wheat.
53:26
Yeah, just grazing my hand across. Lots of sun
53:29
flares on the lens. Yeah. Just grain, just kind
53:34
of like in the backdrop of my brain. Is it painful?
53:39
Yeah. Is it painful? It's very painful. I think
53:42
that's kind of why I'm here. Is it the transition?
53:45
Oh, no, I'm still a male. Yes. That's good that
53:49
we were going to get into maybe your sexual insecurity,
53:53
but maybe that's at a different session. But
53:55
when you go from the house to the wheat field,
53:57
is there a mental pain? when you cross the threshold
54:01
of the door, maybe you're coming from the wheat
54:03
field. There's lots of pain because you've broken
54:05
so many bones out there, apparently. Yeah. Is
54:07
there a mental pain having to switch going from
54:10
the wheat field to the family? You know, because
54:12
you're having to think about two different things.
54:13
It doesn't seem like you get out of your head
54:15
too much anyway. Yeah. Well, there's that. The
54:18
wheat field doesn't start at my doorframe. So
54:21
there's that like 10 feet. where I'm getting
54:24
out of the wheat field, but I'm not yet to the
54:26
doorframe, where I don't have anything to daydream
54:29
about. The torment that you go through. I'm just
54:32
stuck in limbo. There's just nothing going on
54:36
in my brain, and I'm just... Do you ever just
54:38
stay there? Sometimes I'll just, on my way to
54:41
the doorframe, I'll just stand there and just
54:43
be in limbo. but I'll be like paranormal activity,
54:47
just standing there staring. Because there's
54:49
no brain activity happening, but I'm still awake
54:52
and I'm still alive. It's like my soul leaves
54:55
my body. Do you need a big gust of wind to eventually
54:58
cause you to cross the next threshold? That or
55:01
a stray dog kind of comes and pulls at my shirt
55:05
tail, thinking that I have meat in my pockets,
55:07
which I do, yeah. That's just the dead rats that
55:11
I find in the wheat field. Brothers gotta eat,
55:14
you know? Your family's dead. Nobody's there
55:16
to cook for you. Exactly. My wife's not there.
55:19
Who's gonna cook, you know? I hope that answers
55:22
your question. But it's not painful. That's good.
55:24
That's good you just zone out. Yeah, it's not
55:26
painful. It's more just... If there were no outside
55:29
forces on you, you would just be there until
55:31
you die. Kinda, yeah. It's like the question
55:36
of what's more painful? Loving? and losing or
55:40
never loving at all. That is exactly like that.
55:44
Exactly. You're so self -aware. To love and lost
55:46
is better than to never love at all, is what
55:48
they say. It sounds like you didn't even need
55:49
us. Yeah, I'm really not seeing what you guys
55:53
are offering me here. Can I get a little bit
55:57
of advice? I don't know. Zach, you can let me
56:01
know if you're reading this a little bit differently.
56:03
What I'm seeing is a degenerate. Okay. I don't
56:08
think he really cared about his family. I think
56:10
all he cares about is grain. And that's great
56:13
if you're a grain farmer, but you just got you
56:16
got some dead employees. Your family is dead.
56:19
They're not able to help you harvest the grain.
56:22
What good's all that grain if there's nobody
56:24
to share it with? I think there is guilt there.
56:27
I think there's also guilt now that his family
56:29
is gone. I don't I don't. Does he think about
56:32
his family anymore? I don't think so. I think
56:34
he is. I think he's guilt ridden. Yeah. It's
56:37
a thumbs down, if you will. Yeah. I think that's
56:40
weighing on him. That's why he is about to crack.
56:44
And I think the grain represents his internal
56:48
monologue that he hopes he's always growing,
56:51
but he isn't because the sun of guilt is beating
56:54
down on him. The water of connection is no longer
56:59
running. So he imagines grain as himself as he
57:02
grows his roots. He just digs himself in the
57:07
ground. So it sounds like you guys are saying
57:10
I'm not letting myself feel my own feelings.
57:12
Sounds like you guys are saying I need to let
57:14
it grain on me. Uh -huh. Have you ever seen the
57:18
grain, you know? I want to know if you've ever
57:21
seen the grain. When you were on the battlefield,
57:24
was it ever grain and men? I mean, you guys are
57:29
so good at this. It's like you're the best at
57:31
your craft. A lot like Grain Man, in a way. Who's,
57:35
uh... Who's Grain Man and who's Tom Cruise? Well,
57:39
Alan's got to be Grain Man. He just kind of looks
57:42
like him. It's kind of autistic. Many people
57:47
have said I do look like an older Jewish man.
57:52
Well, Evan, does that kind of give you insight
57:54
into your emotional and mental state? Yeah, and
57:58
I appreciate you guys taking the time just to
58:00
kind of poke my grain. Kind of just take a deep
58:05
dive into my grain and see how my grain functions.
58:08
My grain? No, this is my grain. No, we appreciate
58:15
it. We will bill your insurance the $500 an hour.
58:19
All right, pay me whatever you owe me then. I
58:21
forgot about your insurance. The loophole, yeah,
58:24
of good insurance. I'll await the check. But
58:27
there you go. If you need therapy, come to us.
58:30
We have a Chase Lounge. We'll wipe. Evan's sweat
58:33
off of it first, though. Because he is. Keep
58:36
a bottle of Windex right here to clean it off.
58:38
I'm not totally sure I stayed on it. It was very
58:41
slippery. He slipped right off of it. There you
58:43
go. Showing our prowess for dissecting the human
58:47
psyche. But as we finish this episode, you guys
58:50
want to give the Saturday workers a one -liner
58:53
wisdom? You can be a gladiator, but don't be
58:56
gladiator. Hold on. Wait a minute. That's the
59:03
best I got. It may not be good enough, but it
59:09
is what I said. Oh, the old classic cannibal
59:13
silence of the lamb wisdom. Where else can you
59:17
go to get that? All right, Alan, what you got?
59:20
What wisdom do you have for everybody? When you're
59:22
building a house, it's easier to build it one
59:25
brick at a time. But when you tear it down. Just
59:28
drive a car through the side of the house. You
59:31
knock down more bricks that way and you don't
59:33
have to do it piece by piece. And you can claim
59:36
insurance. Absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, that's
59:40
good. That's a great way to do it. It's not like
59:42
there is equipment out there to handle that.
59:45
So just use the family van. No one specialized
59:48
in that stuff either. But that is it. If you
59:51
have a hypothetical you want us to answer, if
59:54
you need advice. From the three wisest men, don't
59:58
hesitate to write us in, questionabledetour at
1:00:01
gmail .com, or hit the link in the description
1:00:03
and send us a little voicemail. Let us hear you
1:00:06
so we can see you. Would you guys want to be
1:00:08
done? Yeah. Y 'all. No, but you got me down at
1:00:30
the beginning.