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You feel better? That's not the point. Keep the appointment! · You're Not Too Much

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  The best plan is a canceled plan. There is no
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  better plan to spend time with people than a canceled plan.
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  Just because things are better right this second doesn't mean that
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  you don't need to establish a plan. Should they not
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  be? It doesn't mean that they're gonna stay better.
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  If you did it while wearing pants when you didn't have to, that's a little
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  bit of a fail. You should not have been wearing pants. Pants are outside clothes.
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  All right, here we go. I'm gonna pretend I'm pushing record. Cause that feels right.
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  Okay, I'm pressing record. Boop. Hi,
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  everybody. I'm Lauren Howard. Welcome to Different
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  Not Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that.
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  That there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken. And
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  the reality is you're just different, and that's fine.
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  Have I told you guys about the book that I want to write for my
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  dad? I probably haven't told anybody this.
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  So he started writing this and didn't
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  finish it. I'm sure he's listening right now. He was a terrible writer. He's a
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  horrible writer. I'm a good writer, and it never occurred to
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  me to take his stuff and make it not bad. He did successfully write
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  a textbook, and that is an excellent book, if you're into textbooks. He
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  wrote the only textbook on addiction forensic medicine in
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  psychiatry. So he did actually write a book. He was a published author.
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  It sold hundreds of copies. Because it's niche.
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  It's niche. I don't even think you would teach that in med school. You would
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  teach that in, like, some very remote fellowship of
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  somebody who's going into, like, addiction forensic medicine, which is like a whole different
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  beast entirely. So he did write a book, but he wanted to write a book
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  that I think was called Betsy Ross's
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  Drawing Room, something along those lines, because
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  Betsy Ross's grandson popularized this
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  idea that she sewed the first American flag, which is
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  not true. Betsy Ross owned a brothel,
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  and that's where all of the men of
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  wherever, I guess it would have been the Constitutional Convention. So Philadelphia.
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  That's where all the men of Philadelphia went to get
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  into all of their 1770 something
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  trouble. And so she had technically had a
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  pulse on what was happening in
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  politics, but not because she was some great,
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  benevolent seamstress, because she
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  owned the brothel where they all hung out. And so he
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  wanted to write the book of the things that happened in the drawing room of
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  her brothel. And someday, when I have creativity and time
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  and can do a little bit of research, I will finish that book
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  for him. But he definitely started it and
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  also was very. I mean, you wouldn't think that it would come up
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  that often that her grandson made up the first American
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  flag thing, but he managed to get it into conversation fairly regularly.
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  Anyway, that's the book I'm gonna finish for my dad someday.
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  So this isn't instruction. This is a very
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  clear instruction for you if you have a brain
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  that works like mine. And when I say that works like mine, I
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  mean a brain that will go out
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  looking for support when it's struggling. So, like,
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  terrible anxiety. Reach out to a medical professional. Really
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  tough day. Reach out to my therapist, whatever, which is the thing you're supposed to
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  do, right? Something is not going well, or there's something that you don't
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  understand or something that you can't explain. Ask for help.
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  Ask for help, right? So you do
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  the thing that you're supposed to do and you make the
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  appointment, or you call the person, or you do the reach out,
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  or you have that friend who says, anytime that happens, you call me and I'll
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  talk you through it. And you do that. It's not instant gratification, like, you
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  don't get the immediate response either because you have to
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  schedule something or the person's not available, or all of the very
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  reasonable things that happen when you're navigating
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  other people's schedules and lives. People are not expected to be available
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  at your beck and call. And that is completely reasonable. The
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  instruction is, keep the appointment.
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  You called, you reached out, you scheduled
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  whatever it was. Keep the appointment. Because
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  if you're like me, you do that when you're under
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  an intense situation, when things are really, really difficult, when
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  you really, really need the support and help, and if there's a delay of a
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  day or two by the time you get to that appointment, things might be better.
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  Maybe not solved, but, like, the pressure was brought down,
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  the intensity is brought down. It's not crushing, it's not dire
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  anymore. You don't feel like you're gonna have a panic attack and
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  rocket off to the moon anymore. It's really easy to think, okay, I'm better
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  now. I don't need that appointment. I don't need to talk to somebody. I'm okay.
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  Keep the appointment. Just because it's not
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  happening now doesn't mean it's not going to happen again. I
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  don't say that to scare you. I don't say that to say that your anxiety
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  is always going to come back or your stress is always going to come back
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  and sure, there's a world where whatever problem
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  solved itself and you don't have that anxiety anymore and you're fine. Sure, that's possible.
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  But it's also possible that that's not true. And if it's not financially
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  prohibitive, if it's not an undue hardship,
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  keep the appointment. Just because
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  things are better right this second doesn't mean that
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  you don't need to establish a plan should they not
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  be in the next however long. It doesn't
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  mean that you don't need to develop that support system or
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  use that support system at another time in
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  the future. It doesn't mean that they're gonna stay
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  better. Me, I tend to really struggle on the weekends
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  with everything that's happening in life right now. During the week, I'm great because I'm
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  working the whole time. I'm really goal directed. I'm super
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  involved with a bunch of things. I'm constantly
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  answering questions. I'm doing things for myself, for my
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  family. Like I'm busy the whole time. I don't have time to process
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  anything outside of what is immediately in front of me. And that is
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  my preferred state of being. That
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  is what works best for me. But man, the second it
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  hits, like Friday night and the intensity, the need to get things
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  done right now, releases or lessons and we go
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  into Saturday. And Saturday can be a day where I get a whole bunch done,
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  or it can be a day where I get nothing done. And it's
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  a little harder to push myself to get things done because
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  there's nobody on the other side of the computer screen waiting for the
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  things that I'm putting out. That's when my brain starts to play tricks on me.
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  That's when I start to feel really bad. Not always,
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  but that's when I'm more likely to feel really bad.
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  Which means it's also when I'm more likely to reach out for help or
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  try to find a resource. But things don't always happen immediately, especially
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  if it's on a Friday night or a Saturday. Realistically, Monday is going to be
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  the earliest that somebody. Unless you're talking about a friend. But if you're talking about
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  professionals, Monday's the earliest that somebody's going to intervene, unless
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  it's an emergency, in which case, please go to the emergency room. In some cases
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  it might be Tuesday, it might be Wednesday, it could be longer. And so that's
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  a lot of time to get back into my routine and
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  to feel more in control of things. Because the routine is winning or the
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  routine is doing what the routine is supposed to do. And then you get to
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  Wednesday and think, it's probably fine. I think things are fine,
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  it's probably okay. And it's really easy to say, I probably don't need to go
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  talk to anybody. I'm okay. Keep the appointment.
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  These things can be roller coasters. And it is really easy
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  to feel very, very secure when you're at the top and then you
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  hit a dip and all of a sudden it's like, I'm falling. Because it's a
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  roller coaster. And that's what happens. Keep the appointment.
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  Do yourself the favor of building a support system, even
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  if you don't need it immediately, even if you only go
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  one time, even if you think you're okay for a while
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  and then find out three months later you're not. You already established
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  you can go back, it's there. And then you might find out that
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  you went to the first one and it was great. And now you
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  just need to schedule a follow up. And you're not sure when the follow up
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  is or when you should schedule a follow up, but in the next couple of
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  days, there's a thing, and that thing racks you with anxiety and
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  oh, I need that follow up. I'm gonna go schedule that follow up. But you've
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  already established the support system. Keep
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  the appointment. Do not let your brain tell
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  you that a 24 hour improvement is
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  enough to skip out on building the
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  things that you need. A 24 hour improvement could turn into a 6
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  month improvement real quick. And that's amazing. And if that's the case, awesome. I'm so
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  happy for you, so proud of. But that's not the way it always works. And
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  you don't want to find out that you missed out on having
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  the support system that you needed because you
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  thought that things were fine when your brain
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  and body were just not screaming at you at that moment. Keep the
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  appointment.
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  And now we'll go to Allison, who has this week's
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  small talk. All right, we have a small talk from Marcus
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  in Chicago. Hey, Lauren, I have a confession that feels ridiculous
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  to even type. I canceled plans last Saturday
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  and then had the best day I've had in months. I cleaned my
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  apartment, made soup, watched a documentary about bridges.
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  I was so happy. And then the guilt hit
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  because I canceled on people I like, people who matter to me. And I
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  felt like I should have been miserable to deserve the
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  pass. So my question is, how do you stop feeling guilty
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  for needing to recharge? I can't figure out if I'M an introvert
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  who married an extrovert lifestyle or if I'm just someone
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  who needs to renegotiate how I spend my weekends. Either way, the guilt
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  thing is exhausting. So a couple of things. Send me the documentary
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  on bridges I would like to watch. It sounds like 100% like the
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  type of content that I live for, so just send it my way.
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  Second off, like, did you hurt somebody? Did you harm somebody
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  in the process of self caring? Was somebody mad at you
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  because you missed something very important? Was there
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  some level of expectation there outside of we
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  would like you to come to this thing that you have not communicated because
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  I don't know about you. But in my opinion, the best plan is a
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  canceled plan. There is no better plan to spend
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  time with people than a canceled plan. And I say that
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  about things I really want to do because
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  logistics, even ones that you're excited about, are
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  emotional labor. And they're hard. Transitioning from one place to another,
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  even if you're excited to do it, is hard. You don't have
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  to do hard things just because you think you should. We can do hard
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  things. We don't always have to. You had what sounds like a great day
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  that you needed that made you feel like you were put back
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  together, that nobody is yelling at you about.
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  Sounds to me like you have the kind of friends that you could be like,
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  yeah, sorry that I didn't come, but I didn't want to. And they would be
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  like, I get that. I get that. And those are the kind of friends that
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  introverts need. The friends who will push you
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  when your social battery can handle it and who will give you space when your
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  social battery cannot. And that is the best kind of friend.
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  So how do you stop feeling guilty? I don't know. Guilt is
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  emotional labor that you're doing for someone else. Usually someone who hasn't asked you to
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  do it. I've gotten better at it. I'm still not great at it. There's still
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  an aspect of the guilt that. But I think that's because I'm Jewish.
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  That's pathological. That's not going anywhere. We're born with it. It's like a.
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  You know, some people get trust funds, we get guilt. It's different.
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  It's the same, but different. And so like, how do you
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  get rid of it? That part I'm not sure about. But should you
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  feel it? No. You didn't hurt anybody. You certainly didn't intentionally hurt
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  anybody. There was no harm caused to anybody. Your house is
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  cleaner you feel more centered. You had a great day that you
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  really enjoyed and you didn't have to put on pants. That sounds like a
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  global win. And if the only thing I will say is if you did it
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  while wearing pants when you didn't have to, that's a little bit of a fail.
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  You should not have been wearing pants. Pants are outside clothes. Unless you have,
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  like, lots of other people who live in your house, then, okay, I'm sorry,
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  pants. But if it was just you in the house all day, that's the
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  only thing you might have done wrong. Other than that it sounds like you had
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  a great day and anybody who loves you will support you in having that
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  great day. And nothing earth shattering happened
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  without you. And there will be more opportunities to spend time with those people.
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  And you could make one right now if you feel that guilty about missing that
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  time with that person. But otherwise, go watch bridge
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  documentaries without pants on. That sounds great. Thanks for being here,
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  guys. Have a good day. Love you, Mina.
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  I basically parodied Baz Luhrmann as if I was Bill Clinton.
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  It was like, follow your dreams, but leave before
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  your wife has time to run for Senate. Like, I can't believe people weren't more
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  impressed with how, like, deeply witty and intelligent I was at
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  13 years old. That was hilarious. But anyway, that was me at
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  13. I've always been like this.