Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / Ep 239 How to Find Hope Again: Practical Healing Tools for Trauma Survivors: Guest Katy Parker

Transcript

Ep 239 How to Find Hope Again: Practical Healing Tools for Trauma Survivors: Guest Katy Parker · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:47
  Well,
• 0:47
  hello
• 0:47
  everybody
• 0:48
  and
• 0:48
  welcome
• 0:48
  back
• 0:48
  to
• 0:49
  another
• 0:49
  episode
• 0:49
  of
• 0:49
  Adult
• 0:50
  Child
• 0:50
  of
• 0:50
  Dysfunction.
• 0:51
  How
• 0:51
  are
• 0:51
  you
• 0:51
  today?
• 0:54
  I
• 0:54
  hope
• 0:54
  everybody
• 0:55
  is
• 0:55
  doing
• 0:55
  well.
• 0:56
  So
• 0:56
  today
• 0:56
  we
• 0:56
  have
• 0:56
  with
• 0:57
  us
• 0:57
  Katie
• 0:57
  Parker.
• 0:58
  She
• 0:58
  is
• 0:58
  a
• 0:58
  trauma
• 0:58
  informed,
• 1:01
  well
• 1:01
  being
• 1:02
  writer,
• 1:03
  a
• 1:03
  grief
• 1:04
  and
• 1:04
  loss
• 1:04
  coach,
• 1:04
  and
• 1:05
  a
• 1:05
  mental
• 1:05
  health
• 1:06
  mentor.
• 1:11
  Hello,
• 1:11
  can
• 1:12
  you
• 1:12
  hear
• 1:12
  me?
• 1:13
  Can
• 1:13
  you
• 1:13
  see
• 1:13
  me?
• 1:14
  Hold
• 1:14
  on
• 1:14
  one
• 1:15
  second.
• 1:15
  We're
• 1:15
  having.
• 1:15
  Let
• 1:16
  me
• 1:16
  get
• 1:16
  out
• 1:16
  of
• 1:17
  the
• 1:17
  YouTube
• 1:17
  real
• 1:18
  quick.
• 1:19
  Hold
• 1:20
  on
• 1:20
  one
• 1:20
  second.
• 1:21
  Just.
• 1:21
  It's
• 1:22
  doing
• 1:22
  something
• 1:22
  fun.
• 1:24
  Yes,
• 1:25
  I
• 1:25
  can.
• 1:25
  I'm
• 1:25
  sorry.
• 1:26
  Katie,
• 1:26
  how
• 1:26
  are
• 1:26
  you?
• 1:27
  So
• 1:27
  she
• 1:27
  is
• 1:27
  a
• 1:27
  grief.
• 1:28
  I'm
• 1:28
  going
• 1:28
  to
• 1:28
  go
• 1:28
  back
• 1:28
  and
• 1:29
  finish
• 1:29
  that
• 1:29
  again
• 1:29
  because
• 1:30
  that
• 1:30
  did
• 1:30
  not
• 1:30
  come
• 1:31
  out
• 1:31
  so.
• 1:31
  Right.
• 1:32
  So
• 1:32
  she
• 1:32
  is
• 1:32
  a
• 1:32
  grief
• 1:33
  and
• 1:33
  loss
• 1:33
  coach,
• 1:34
  a
• 1:34
  mental
• 1:34
  health
• 1:34
  mentor
• 1:35
  who
• 1:35
  helps
• 1:35
  others
• 1:36
  navigate
• 1:36
  invisible
• 1:37
  grief
• 1:37
  in
• 1:37
  a
• 1:38
  grief
• 1:38
  illiterate
• 1:38
  world.
• 1:39
  A
• 1:39
  trauma
• 1:40
  survivor
• 1:40
  and
• 1:40
  chronic
• 1:41
  pain
• 1:41
  warrior,
• 1:41
  Katie
• 1:42
  draws
• 1:42
  from
• 1:42
  her
• 1:43
  own
• 1:43
  healing
• 1:43
  journey
• 1:44
  to
• 1:44
  empower
• 1:45
  others
• 1:45
  to
• 1:45
  express
• 1:46
  their
• 1:46
  pain,
• 1:46
  reclaim
• 1:47
  their
• 1:47
  voice
• 1:47
  and
• 1:48
  find
• 1:48
  peace
• 1:48
  and
• 1:49
  purpose
• 1:49
  after
• 1:49
  loss.
• 1:50
  She
• 1:51
  shares
• 1:51
  her
• 1:51
  story
• 1:52
  on
• 1:52
  her
• 1:52
  Journey
• 1:53
  of
• 1:53
  Smiley
• 1:53
  blog
• 1:54
  and
• 1:55
  leads
• 1:55
  the
• 1:55
  PTSD
• 1:56
  My
• 1:56
  Story
• 1:57
  project
• 1:57
  and
• 1:57
  Grief
• 1:58
  Stories
• 1:58
  series
• 1:59
  which
• 1:59
  we
• 1:59
  will
• 1:59
  let
• 2:00
  her
• 2:00
  tell
• 2:00
  you
• 2:00
  all
• 2:00
  about.
• 2:01
  In
• 2:01
  a
• 2:01
  safe
• 2:02
  space
• 2:02
  for
• 2:02
  people
• 2:02
  to
• 2:03
  share
• 2:03
  and
• 2:03
  heal
• 2:04
  through
• 2:04
  storytelling.
• 2:05
  Katie
• 2:05
  believes
• 2:06
  healing
• 2:06
  is
• 2:06
  a
• 2:07
  right,
• 2:07
  not
• 2:07
  a
• 2:07
  privilege.
• 2:08
  Welcome,
• 2:08
  Katie.
• 2:09
  How
• 2:09
  are
• 2:09
  you
• 2:09
  today?
• 2:10
  Hello.
• 2:11
  Thank
• 2:11
  you.
• 2:11
  Thank
• 2:12
  you,
• 2:12
  sir.
• 2:13
  Yep,
• 2:13
  I
• 2:14
  am.
• 2:14
  Well,
• 2:14
  I
• 2:14
  hope
• 2:15
  everybody
• 2:15
  else
• 2:16
  as
• 2:16
  well.
• 2:17
  Oh,
• 2:17
  yeah,
• 2:17
  I'm
• 2:18
  sure
• 2:18
  they
• 2:18
  are.
• 2:18
  I
• 2:18
  don't.
• 2:19
  Where
• 2:19
  are
• 2:19
  you
• 2:19
  in
• 2:19
  the
• 2:19
  world?
• 2:20
  I'm
• 2:20
  in
• 2:21
  England
• 2:21
  located.
• 2:23
  Okay.
• 2:23
  Okay.
• 2:24
  So
• 2:25
  a
• 2:25
  bit
• 2:25
  gray
• 2:25
  day
• 2:26
  here
• 2:26
  today.
• 2:27
  But
• 2:27
  yeah,
• 2:27
  it's
• 2:28
  actually,
• 2:28
  I'm
• 2:29
  in
• 2:29
  Florida
• 2:29
  and
• 2:29
  it's
• 2:29
  been
• 2:29
  raining
• 2:30
  for
• 2:30
  like
• 2:30
  a
• 2:30
  week
• 2:30
  and
• 2:31
  a
• 2:31
  half,
• 2:31
  so
• 2:31
  it's
• 2:31
  actually
• 2:31
  nice
• 2:32
  to
• 2:32
  see
• 2:32
  some
• 2:32
  sunshine
• 2:33
  out
• 2:33
  of
• 2:33
  my
• 2:33
  window.
• 2:34
  So
• 2:34
  that's
• 2:34
  great.
• 2:35
  So
• 2:35
  you
• 2:36
  have
• 2:36
  been.
• 2:36
  I'm
• 2:37
  just
• 2:37
  going
• 2:37
  to
• 2:37
  jump
• 2:38
  right
• 2:38
  in
• 2:38
  because
• 2:38
  we
• 2:39
  were
• 2:39
  talking
• 2:39
  a
• 2:39
  little
• 2:39
  bit
• 2:39
  before
• 2:40
  here
• 2:40
  and
• 2:40
  you
• 2:41
  kind
• 2:41
  of
• 2:41
  deal
• 2:41
  with
• 2:41
  grief
• 2:42
  and
• 2:42
  loss
• 2:43
  and,
• 2:43
  and
• 2:43
  trauma
• 2:44
  and
• 2:44
  of
• 2:44
  course
• 2:45
  those
• 2:45
  things
• 2:45
  all
• 2:45
  tie
• 2:46
  together.
• 2:47
  And
• 2:48
  tell
• 2:48
  me
• 2:49
  about
• 2:49
  how
• 2:50
  you
• 2:50
  got
• 2:50
  started
• 2:50
  as
• 2:50
  a
• 2:51
  grief
• 2:51
  and
• 2:51
  loss
• 2:51
  coach.
• 2:54
  Oh,
• 2:55
  I
• 2:55
  think
• 2:56
  before
• 2:56
  I
• 2:57
  answer
• 2:57
  this,
• 2:57
  maybe
• 2:58
  I
• 2:58
  need
• 2:58
  to
• 2:58
  really
• 2:58
  tell
• 2:59
  my
• 2:59
  whole
• 2:59
  story,
• 2:59
  but
• 3:01
  really,
• 3:02
  how,
• 3:03
  why
• 3:03
  or
• 3:03
  how?
• 3:04
  Because
• 3:05
  I
• 3:05
  had
• 3:06
  so
• 3:06
  many
• 3:06
  loss
• 3:07
  in
• 3:07
  my
• 3:07
  life
• 3:08
  and
• 3:11
  Alaska
• 3:13
  kind
• 3:13
  of
• 3:13
  profound
• 3:14
  loss
• 3:14
  I
• 3:14
  had.
• 3:15
  I
• 3:15
  didn't
• 3:15
  even
• 3:15
  know
• 3:16
  I
• 3:16
  was
• 3:17
  going
• 3:17
  through
• 3:17
  grief.
• 3:19
  And
• 3:20
  for
• 3:20
  somebody
• 3:21
  not
• 3:21
  even
• 3:21
  knowing
• 3:21
  they're
• 3:22
  going
• 3:22
  through
• 3:22
  grief,
• 3:23
  that
• 3:23
  they're
• 3:23
  grieving,
• 3:24
  I
• 3:24
  think
• 3:24
  it
• 3:25
  was
• 3:25
  quite,
• 3:26
  yeah,
• 3:28
  quite
• 3:28
  important
• 3:29
  for
• 3:29
  me.
• 3:29
  I
• 3:29
  think,
• 3:30
  you
• 3:31
  know,
• 3:31
  that's
• 3:31
  why
• 3:31
  I
• 3:32
  was
• 3:32
  thinking,
• 3:32
  okay,
• 3:33
  I
• 3:33
  think
• 3:34
  people
• 3:34
  should
• 3:34
  really
• 3:35
  know
• 3:35
  that
• 3:35
  they
• 3:35
  are
• 3:36
  going
• 3:36
  through
• 3:36
  grief
• 3:36
  and
• 3:37
  loss
• 3:37
  because
• 3:37
  if
• 3:37
  we
• 3:37
  don't
• 3:38
  know,
• 3:38
  how
• 3:38
  are
• 3:38
  we
• 3:38
  supposed
• 3:39
  to
• 3:39
  even
• 3:39
  heal
• 3:40
  from
• 3:40
  something
• 3:40
  we
• 3:41
  don't
• 3:41
  even
• 3:42
  know
• 3:42
  what
• 3:42
  they
• 3:42
  are
• 3:42
  going
• 3:42
  through.
• 3:43
  So
• 3:44
  then
• 3:44
  I
• 3:44
  was
• 3:44
  thinking
• 3:45
  surely
• 3:45
  there
• 3:45
  must
• 3:45
  be
• 3:45
  other
• 3:46
  people
• 3:46
  just
• 3:46
  like
• 3:46
  me
• 3:47
  until
• 3:47
  going
• 3:48
  through
• 3:48
  some
• 3:48
  grief
• 3:48
  or
• 3:49
  loss,
• 3:49
  they
• 3:50
  might
• 3:50
  not
• 3:50
  even
• 3:50
  know
• 3:50
  they
• 3:51
  going
• 3:51
  through
• 3:51
  it.
• 3:52
  So
• 3:52
  I
• 3:53
  think
• 3:53
  I
• 3:53
  might
• 3:53
  actually
• 3:54
  be
• 3:54
  able
• 3:54
  to
• 3:54
  help
• 3:54
  them
• 3:55
  because
• 3:55
  now
• 3:55
  I'm
• 3:55
  on
• 3:56
  my
• 3:56
  journey
• 3:56
  a
• 3:56
  little
• 3:56
  bit
• 3:57
  further.
• 3:57
  And
• 3:58
  that
• 3:59
  lost
• 3:59
  kind
• 3:59
  of
• 4:00
  why
• 4:00
  I
• 4:00
  say
• 4:00
  I
• 4:01
  didn't
• 4:01
  know
• 4:01
  it,
• 4:01
  it
• 4:02
  was
• 4:02
  because
• 4:03
  that
• 4:03
  loss
• 4:04
  wasn't
• 4:04
  really.
• 4:06
  Or
• 4:06
  grief
• 4:06
  wasn't
• 4:07
  really
• 4:07
  connected
• 4:07
  to
• 4:08
  death.
• 4:09
  And
• 4:09
  we
• 4:10
  live
• 4:10
  in
• 4:10
  a
• 4:10
  grief
• 4:11
  literally,
• 4:12
  you
• 4:12
  know,
• 4:13
  society
• 4:13
  when
• 4:14
  we
• 4:14
  always
• 4:14
  just
• 4:15
  think
• 4:15
  of
• 4:15
  grief
• 4:15
  as
• 4:16
  something
• 4:16
  that
• 4:17
  comes
• 4:17
  after
• 4:17
  a
• 4:18
  loss
• 4:18
  of
• 4:18
  a
• 4:18
  person
• 4:19
  after
• 4:19
  death.
• 4:20
  And
• 4:21
  my.
• 4:22
  My
• 4:22
  kind
• 4:23
  of
• 4:23
  really
• 4:23
  profound
• 4:24
  loss
• 4:25
  that
• 4:25
  I
• 4:25
  had
• 4:26
  lost
• 4:27
  wasn't
• 4:27
  really
• 4:28
  connected
• 4:28
  to
• 4:28
  death.
• 4:30
  What
• 4:31
  was
• 4:31
  it?
• 4:31
  Do
• 4:31
  you
• 4:31
  mind
• 4:32
  if
• 4:32
  I
• 4:32
  ask
• 4:32
  what
• 4:32
  it
• 4:32
  was
• 4:32
  connected
• 4:33
  to?
• 4:34
  Yes.
• 4:35
  So
• 4:36
  I
• 4:37
  hit
• 4:37
  in
• 4:38
  2020.
• 4:38
  I
• 4:39
  had
• 4:39
  a
• 4:39
  bad
• 4:40
  accident.
• 4:41
  I
• 4:41
  was
• 4:42
  crossing
• 4:42
  the
• 4:42
  road
• 4:43
  and
• 4:44
  one,
• 4:45
  yeah,
• 4:45
  a
• 4:46
  colleague
• 4:46
  of
• 4:46
  mine
• 4:46
  did
• 4:47
  hit
• 4:47
  me
• 4:47
  with
• 4:47
  her
• 4:48
  car
• 4:49
  and
• 4:51
  had
• 4:51
  my
• 4:51
  head
• 4:51
  as
• 4:52
  I
• 4:52
  fall
• 4:52
  down
• 4:52
  and
• 4:53
  I
• 4:53
  wasn't
• 4:54
  able
• 4:54
  to
• 4:54
  move.
• 4:56
  I
• 4:56
  end
• 4:56
  up
• 4:56
  in
• 4:56
  hospital
• 4:57
  later.
• 4:57
  It's
• 4:58
  like
• 4:59
  it
• 4:59
  was.
• 5:00
  It
• 5:00
  happened
• 5:00
  in
• 5:01
  lockdown.
• 5:02
  So
• 5:02
  there
• 5:02
  was
• 5:02
  a
• 5:03
  witness
• 5:03
  who
• 5:03
  saw
• 5:04
  it.
• 5:04
  They
• 5:04
  called
• 5:05
  my
• 5:05
  husband,
• 5:05
  ambulance
• 5:06
  came,
• 5:06
  police
• 5:07
  came,
• 5:08
  you
• 5:08
  know,
• 5:08
  everything.
• 5:08
  And
• 5:09
  I
• 5:09
  ended
• 5:09
  up
• 5:09
  then
• 5:10
  in
• 5:10
  a
• 5:10
  hospital
• 5:11
  for
• 5:11
  almost
• 5:11
  two
• 5:11
  weeks
• 5:13
  with
• 5:13
  fracture
• 5:14
  vector.
• 5:15
  And
• 5:15
  later
• 5:15
  on
• 5:16
  as
• 5:16
  well,
• 5:16
  a
• 5:16
  week
• 5:17
  later
• 5:17
  as
• 5:17
  I
• 5:17
  was
• 5:17
  there,
• 5:18
  I
• 5:19
  as
• 5:19
  well
• 5:19
  had
• 5:19
  my.
• 5:21
  And
• 5:22
  I
• 5:22
  was
• 5:22
  diagnosed
• 5:23
  later
• 5:23
  on
• 5:23
  with
• 5:23
  ptsd.
• 5:24
  So
• 5:25
  post
• 5:25
  traumatic
• 5:25
  stress
• 5:26
  disorder.
• 5:27
  So
• 5:28
  going
• 5:29
  through
• 5:29
  this
• 5:29
  all
• 5:30
  for
• 5:31
  two
• 5:31
  and
• 5:31
  a
• 5:31
  half
• 5:31
  years
• 5:32
  until
• 5:33
  I
• 5:33
  actually
• 5:34
  didn't
• 5:35
  get
• 5:35
  the
• 5:35
  psychologist
• 5:35
  that
• 5:36
  I
• 5:36
  really
• 5:36
  needed
• 5:37
  to
• 5:37
  get
• 5:37
  and
• 5:38
  the
• 5:38
  help
• 5:38
  that
• 5:38
  I
• 5:38
  really
• 5:38
  needed.
• 5:40
  I
• 5:40
  didn't
• 5:40
  really
• 5:41
  know
• 5:41
  that
• 5:42
  I
• 5:42
  was
• 5:42
  experiencing
• 5:43
  grief
• 5:44
  because
• 5:44
  we
• 5:45
  always
• 5:45
  kind
• 5:45
  of
• 5:45
  talk
• 5:46
  about
• 5:46
  grief
• 5:46
  when
• 5:47
  somebody
• 5:47
  does.
• 5:48
  And
• 5:48
  I
• 5:48
  have
• 5:48
  lost
• 5:49
  my
• 5:49
  mom
• 5:49
  already
• 5:49
  before
• 5:50
  that.
• 5:50
  Now
• 5:50
  is
• 5:51
  it
• 5:51
  13
• 5:51
  years
• 5:51
  ago.
• 5:52
  So
• 5:52
  I
• 5:53
  knew
• 5:53
  what
• 5:54
  is
• 5:54
  it
• 5:54
  Gray?
• 5:54
  I
• 5:55
  just
• 5:55
  didn't
• 5:55
  know
• 5:55
  we
• 5:56
  can
• 5:56
  experience
• 5:56
  it
• 5:57
  after
• 5:57
  loss
• 5:57
  of
• 5:58
  a
• 5:58
  health
• 5:58
  like
• 5:58
  I
• 5:59
  did.
• 5:59
  That
• 5:59
  was
• 6:00
  my.
• 6:00
  A
• 6:01
  loss
• 6:01
  that
• 6:01
  was
• 6:01
  really
• 6:01
  living
• 6:02
  losses
• 6:03
  like
• 6:03
  loss
• 6:04
  of
• 6:04
  a
• 6:04
  life
• 6:05
  I
• 6:05
  had
• 6:05
  before
• 6:06
  that
• 6:06
  because
• 6:07
  my
• 6:07
  life
• 6:07
  really
• 6:08
  changed
• 6:08
  in
• 6:09
  a
• 6:09
  second.
• 6:10
  Right.
• 6:11
  Can
• 6:11
  say
• 6:11
  so
• 6:12
  then
• 6:13
  a
• 6:13
  loss
• 6:13
  of
• 6:14
  dreams,
• 6:14
  of
• 6:15
  the
• 6:15
  future,
• 6:16
  of
• 6:16
  expectations.
• 6:18
  They're
• 6:18
  all
• 6:18
  unmet.
• 6:20
  There
• 6:20
  was
• 6:20
  really
• 6:21
  lots
• 6:21
  of
• 6:21
  losses.
• 6:22
  I
• 6:22
  didn't
• 6:23
  know
• 6:23
  I.
• 6:23
  I
• 6:24
  knew
• 6:24
  I
• 6:24
  am
• 6:24
  missing
• 6:25
  things.
• 6:26
  Right.
• 6:26
  Going
• 6:27
  through
• 6:27
  grief.
• 6:28
  So
• 6:30
  yeah,
• 6:31
  that's.
• 6:31
  So
• 6:31
  how
• 6:32
  was
• 6:32
  it?
• 6:32
  So
• 6:32
  what
• 6:32
  were
• 6:32
  some.
• 6:33
  I
• 6:33
  mean,
• 6:33
  I
• 6:33
  know
• 6:33
  what
• 6:33
  some
• 6:34
  of
• 6:34
  the
• 6:34
  symptoms
• 6:34
  were.
• 6:34
  Like
• 6:35
  you
• 6:35
  said
• 6:35
  you
• 6:35
  just
• 6:35
  felt
• 6:35
  like
• 6:36
  you
• 6:36
  were
• 6:36
  missing
• 6:36
  something.
• 6:37
  You
• 6:37
  were
• 6:38
  like
• 6:39
  talk
• 6:39
  about
• 6:39
  some
• 6:39
  of
• 6:39
  the
• 6:40
  symptoms.
• 6:40
  Like
• 6:40
  what
• 6:41
  made
• 6:41
  you
• 6:41
  go.
• 6:41
  Did
• 6:41
  you
• 6:41
  go
• 6:42
  to
• 6:42
  a
• 6:42
  counselor
• 6:42
  or
• 6:43
  a
• 6:43
  psychologist
• 6:44
  and
• 6:44
  they
• 6:44
  said
• 6:44
  you're
• 6:45
  grieving
• 6:45
  or
• 6:46
  how
• 6:46
  did
• 6:46
  you
• 6:46
  actually
• 6:47
  back.
• 6:48
  Actually
• 6:49
  almost.
• 6:49
  Yes.
• 6:50
  You
• 6:50
  know,
• 6:51
  so
• 6:52
  actually
• 6:53
  it
• 6:53
  was
• 6:53
  almost
• 6:53
  really
• 6:54
  like
• 6:54
  this.
• 6:55
  So
• 6:55
  just
• 6:56
  to
• 6:56
  kind
• 6:56
  of
• 6:56
  put
• 6:57
  it
• 6:57
  back
• 6:57
  in
• 6:57
  2020,
• 6:58
  I
• 6:58
  had
• 6:59
  that
• 6:59
  accident.
• 7:00
  Then
• 7:00
  I
• 7:00
  came
• 7:00
  home
• 7:01
  and
• 7:01
  I
• 7:01
  was
• 7:01
  recovering
• 7:02
  for
• 7:02
  about
• 7:03
  10
• 7:03
  months.
• 7:04
  I
• 7:04
  was
• 7:05
  back
• 7:05
  at
• 7:05
  work.
• 7:06
  I
• 7:06
  started.
• 7:07
  I
• 7:07
  wanted
• 7:07
  to
• 7:07
  go
• 7:07
  full
• 7:08
  time
• 7:08
  back,
• 7:09
  but
• 7:09
  every
• 7:09
  day,
• 7:10
  imagine
• 7:10
  your
• 7:10
  crossings
• 7:11
  the
• 7:11
  same
• 7:11
  road
• 7:13
  where
• 7:13
  you
• 7:13
  had
• 7:13
  accident,
• 7:14
  go
• 7:14
  to
• 7:14
  work.
• 7:15
  And
• 7:15
  as
• 7:15
  I
• 7:15
  said,
• 7:15
  that
• 7:15
  was
• 7:16
  my
• 7:16
  colleague.
• 7:16
  So
• 7:16
  sometimes
• 7:17
  as
• 7:17
  I
• 7:17
  saw
• 7:17
  the
• 7:17
  colleague
• 7:18
  and
• 7:19
  I
• 7:20
  was
• 7:20
  still
• 7:20
  in
• 7:20
  pain.
• 7:22
  So
• 7:23
  the
• 7:23
  pain
• 7:23
  every
• 7:24
  time
• 7:24
  just
• 7:25
  get
• 7:25
  worse
• 7:25
  and
• 7:25
  worse
• 7:26
  because
• 7:26
  there's
• 7:26
  a
• 7:26
  trauma.
• 7:29
  We
• 7:29
  know
• 7:30
  if
• 7:30
  you
• 7:30
  don't
• 7:30
  really,
• 7:31
  you
• 7:31
  know,
• 7:32
  process
• 7:32
  this,
• 7:34
  it
• 7:34
  just
• 7:35
  comes
• 7:35
  as
• 7:35
  pain
• 7:36
  as
• 7:36
  well,
• 7:37
  as
• 7:38
  well
• 7:38
  as
• 7:38
  depression
• 7:39
  and
• 7:39
  other
• 7:40
  things.
• 7:40
  Like
• 7:40
  I
• 7:40
  had
• 7:41
  anxiety
• 7:41
  because
• 7:41
  I
• 7:41
  had
• 7:42
  a
• 7:42
  ptsd.
• 7:42
  I
• 7:42
  was
• 7:42
  diagnosed
• 7:43
  with
• 7:43
  ptsd.
• 7:44
  So
• 7:44
  I
• 7:44
  did
• 7:44
  have
• 7:45
  some
• 7:45
  kind
• 7:45
  of.
• 7:45
  In
• 7:45
  two
• 7:46
  and
• 7:46
  a
• 7:46
  half
• 7:46
  years
• 7:46
  that
• 7:46
  I
• 7:47
  had
• 7:47
  some
• 7:47
  kind
• 7:47
  of.
• 7:48
  Or
• 7:49
  two
• 7:49
  years,
• 7:49
  I
• 7:49
  think
• 7:50
  after
• 7:50
  the
• 7:51
  accident,
• 7:51
  I
• 7:51
  had
• 7:51
  some
• 7:51
  kind
• 7:51
  of
• 7:52
  therapies
• 7:52
  and
• 7:52
  so.
• 7:52
  But
• 7:53
  nothing
• 7:53
  really,
• 7:53
  specially
• 7:54
  for
• 7:54
  ptsd.
• 7:56
  Now,
• 7:56
  two
• 7:56
  years
• 7:57
  after
• 7:58
  my
• 7:59
  putting
• 7:59
  my
• 7:59
  body
• 8:00
  through
• 8:00
  all
• 8:00
  this
• 8:01
  and
• 8:02
  ending
• 8:02
  up
• 8:03
  back
• 8:03
  in
• 8:03
  hospital
• 8:05
  and
• 8:05
  kind
• 8:06
  of
• 8:06
  back
• 8:07
  to
• 8:07
  my
• 8:07
  gp,
• 8:08
  backside
• 8:08
  of
• 8:08
  work,
• 8:09
  but
• 8:09
  then
• 8:10
  getting
• 8:10
  better
• 8:10
  again.
• 8:11
  So
• 8:11
  go
• 8:11
  back
• 8:11
  to
• 8:12
  work
• 8:12
  and
• 8:12
  trying
• 8:12
  to
• 8:13
  get
• 8:13
  full
• 8:13
  time,
• 8:13
  although
• 8:14
  I
• 8:14
  never
• 8:14
  really
• 8:14
  made
• 8:15
  it
• 8:15
  to
• 8:15
  full
• 8:15
  time,
• 8:15
  to
• 8:16
  be
• 8:16
  honest.
• 8:18
  Yeah,
• 8:18
  my
• 8:18
  body
• 8:18
  just
• 8:19
  was
• 8:19
  going
• 8:19
  up
• 8:19
  because
• 8:19
  there
• 8:20
  were
• 8:20
  days
• 8:20
  where
• 8:20
  I
• 8:20
  could
• 8:20
  not
• 8:21
  even
• 8:21
  hold
• 8:21
  my
• 8:22
  neck,
• 8:22
  actually.
• 8:23
  Yeah,
• 8:23
  I
• 8:23
  hold
• 8:24
  my
• 8:24
  head
• 8:24
  on
• 8:24
  my
• 8:24
  neck
• 8:25
  and,
• 8:26
  you
• 8:26
  know,
• 8:26
  sit
• 8:27
  or
• 8:27
  stand
• 8:27
  or
• 8:27
  nothing.
• 8:29
  And
• 8:29
  I
• 8:30
  was
• 8:30
  thinking,
• 8:30
  I
• 8:31
  don't
• 8:31
  want
• 8:31
  to
• 8:31
  live
• 8:31
  like
• 8:31
  this.
• 8:33
  So
• 8:34
  slowly,
• 8:34
  slowly
• 8:36
  came
• 8:36
  negative
• 8:37
  thoughts
• 8:38
  and
• 8:39
  suicidal
• 8:39
  thoughts
• 8:40
  as
• 8:40
  well.
• 8:40
  Because,
• 8:41
  yes,
• 8:41
  yeah,
• 8:41
  I
• 8:42
  did
• 8:42
  have
• 8:42
  a
• 8:42
  amazing
• 8:43
  support
• 8:44
  in
• 8:44
  my
• 8:44
  husband
• 8:45
  who
• 8:46
  was
• 8:46
  looking
• 8:46
  after
• 8:47
  me,
• 8:47
  working,
• 8:48
  looking
• 8:48
  after
• 8:48
  our
• 8:49
  household.
• 8:49
  And
• 8:49
  so.
• 8:50
  But
• 8:50
  I
• 8:50
  think
• 8:51
  sometimes
• 8:51
  it's
• 8:51
  even
• 8:51
  worse
• 8:52
  because
• 8:52
  we
• 8:52
  just
• 8:53
  think
• 8:53
  I'm
• 8:54
  just
• 8:54
  a
• 8:54
  burden
• 8:55
  to
• 8:55
  him
• 8:55
  because
• 8:56
  look
• 8:56
  at
• 8:56
  what
• 8:56
  everything
• 8:56
  he
• 8:57
  has
• 8:57
  to
• 8:57
  do,
• 8:58
  right?
• 9:00
  And
• 9:00
  so
• 9:01
  really,
• 9:02
  thanks
• 9:02
  to
• 9:02
  those
• 9:03
  things,
• 9:04
  I.
• 9:04
  I
• 9:04
  knew
• 9:05
  I
• 9:05
  had
• 9:05
  a
• 9:05
  ptsd.
• 9:06
  But
• 9:06
  I
• 9:06
  really
• 9:07
  like,
• 9:07
  okay,
• 9:08
  I'm
• 9:09
  trying
• 9:09
  to
• 9:09
  have
• 9:09
  some
• 9:10
  therapies
• 9:10
  for
• 9:10
  it
• 9:10
  or
• 9:11
  whatever,
• 9:11
  things
• 9:12
  didn't
• 9:12
  really
• 9:12
  work.
• 9:13
  And
• 9:13
  then
• 9:15
  two
• 9:15
  years
• 9:16
  after,
• 9:18
  early
• 9:18
  enough
• 9:19
  and
• 9:19
  my
• 9:19
  body
• 9:19
  really
• 9:20
  just
• 9:20
  cried
• 9:21
  and
• 9:22
  I
• 9:23
  almost
• 9:23
  actually
• 9:24
  started
• 9:24
  to
• 9:25
  listen
• 9:25
  to
• 9:25
  those
• 9:25
  whispers.
• 9:27
  I
• 9:27
  was
• 9:28
  like,
• 9:29
  okay,
• 9:29
  I
• 9:29
  need
• 9:29
  to
• 9:29
  do
• 9:30
  something.
• 9:30
  Because,
• 9:31
  you
• 9:31
  know,
• 9:31
  as
• 9:32
  I
• 9:32
  said,
• 9:32
  my
• 9:32
  mom
• 9:32
  passed
• 9:33
  away
• 9:33
  as
• 9:33
  well.
• 9:33
  And
• 9:33
  I
• 9:34
  was
• 9:34
  13
• 9:34
  years.
• 9:35
  I
• 9:35
  even
• 9:35
  prayed
• 9:36
  to
• 9:36
  God
• 9:36
  that
• 9:36
  he
• 9:36
  takes
• 9:37
  me
• 9:37
  away.
• 9:37
  Because
• 9:37
  I
• 9:38
  was
• 9:38
  thinking,
• 9:38
  do
• 9:39
  you
• 9:39
  know
• 9:39
  what?
• 9:39
  My
• 9:39
  mom
• 9:39
  had
• 9:40
  a
• 9:40
  cancer.
• 9:40
  That's
• 9:40
  how
• 9:41
  she
• 9:41
  died.
• 9:41
  And
• 9:41
  I
• 9:41
  was
• 9:41
  thinking
• 9:42
  she.
• 9:42
  She
• 9:42
  was
• 9:43
  in
• 9:43
  pain.
• 9:44
  And
• 9:44
  then
• 9:45
  she's
• 9:45
  not
• 9:45
  now
• 9:45
  anymore.
• 9:46
  I
• 9:46
  want
• 9:47
  to
• 9:47
  go
• 9:47
  there
• 9:47
  too.
• 9:48
  I
• 9:48
  don't
• 9:48
  want
• 9:48
  it.
• 9:49
  I
• 9:49
  am
• 9:49
  still
• 9:49
  young
• 9:50
  to
• 9:50
  live
• 9:50
  for
• 9:50
  another
• 9:51
  40
• 9:51
  years
• 9:51
  or
• 9:52
  50
• 9:52
  or
• 9:52
  I
• 9:52
  don't
• 9:52
  even
• 9:52
  know
• 9:53
  how
• 9:53
  many
• 9:53
  kind
• 9:54
  of
• 9:54
  like
• 9:54
  live
• 9:54
  like
• 9:55
  this.
• 9:56
  I
• 9:56
  just
• 9:57
  cannot
• 9:57
  do
• 9:57
  it.
• 9:58
  I
• 9:58
  am
• 9:58
  in
• 9:58
  so
• 9:58
  much
• 9:59
  pain
• 9:59
  every
• 9:59
  day.
• 10:00
  So
• 10:01
  how
• 10:01
  did
• 10:01
  you,
• 10:01
  how
• 10:02
  did,
• 10:02
  how
• 10:02
  did
• 10:02
  they
• 10:02
  help
• 10:03
  you
• 10:03
  get
• 10:03
  out
• 10:03
  of
• 10:03
  that
• 10:03
  pain?
• 10:04
  Yeah,
• 10:05
  so
• 10:05
  actually
• 10:05
  just
• 10:06
  want
• 10:06
  to
• 10:06
  say
• 10:07
  to
• 10:07
  your
• 10:07
  previous
• 10:08
  question
• 10:08
  as
• 10:08
  well.
• 10:09
  So
• 10:09
  then
• 10:10
  when
• 10:10
  I
• 10:11
  was
• 10:11
  really
• 10:11
  so
• 10:11
  down
• 10:13
  and
• 10:13
  like
• 10:13
  God
• 10:14
  is
• 10:14
  my
• 10:14
  thing
• 10:14
  because
• 10:14
  he
• 10:14
  sends
• 10:15
  us
• 10:15
  people
• 10:15
  into
• 10:15
  our
• 10:16
  way,
• 10:17
  I
• 10:17
  finally
• 10:19
  contacted
• 10:19
  the
• 10:19
  lawyers
• 10:20
  first.
• 10:21
  And
• 10:22
  through
• 10:22
  lawyers
• 10:22
  I
• 10:23
  was
• 10:23
  able
• 10:23
  to
• 10:23
  gain
• 10:24
  help
• 10:25
  through
• 10:25
  the
• 10:25
  insurance
• 10:25
  through
• 10:26
  lawyers,
• 10:26
  I
• 10:27
  was
• 10:27
  able
• 10:27
  to
• 10:27
  gain
• 10:28
  help
• 10:28
  first
• 10:28
  by
• 10:28
  case
• 10:29
  manager
• 10:29
  who
• 10:30
  kind
• 10:30
  of
• 10:30
  get
• 10:31
  me
• 10:31
  the
• 10:32
  therapist
• 10:32
  and
• 10:32
  psychologist
• 10:33
  who
• 10:33
  I
• 10:33
  really
• 10:34
  need
• 10:34
  it.
• 10:34
  And
• 10:34
  meeting
• 10:35
  with
• 10:35
  the
• 10:35
  psychologist
• 10:36
  I
• 10:36
  had
• 10:36
  EMD
• 10:37
  therapy.
• 10:38
  So
• 10:38
  is
• 10:39
  the
• 10:39
  eye
• 10:40
  movement
• 10:40
  desensitization
• 10:42
  and
• 10:42
  the
• 10:42
  processing
• 10:43
  if
• 10:43
  I
• 10:43
  said
• 10:43
  it
• 10:43
  right.
• 10:45
  And
• 10:45
  then,
• 10:47
  you
• 10:47
  know.
• 10:49
  Now
• 10:49
  two
• 10:49
  years
• 10:49
  ago,
• 10:50
  my
• 10:50
  mother
• 10:51
  in
• 10:51
  law
• 10:51
  passed
• 10:51
  away.
• 10:53
  And
• 10:55
  at
• 10:55
  a
• 10:55
  time
• 10:55
  when
• 10:55
  we
• 10:56
  did
• 10:56
  find
• 10:56
  out
• 10:56
  that
• 10:56
  she
• 10:56
  has
• 10:57
  got
• 10:57
  terminal
• 10:57
  cancer,
• 10:58
  until
• 10:58
  the
• 10:59
  time
• 10:59
  when
• 10:59
  she
• 10:59
  actually
• 11:00
  passed
• 11:00
  away,
• 11:00
  it
• 11:00
  was
• 11:01
  three
• 11:01
  months.
• 11:01
  And
• 11:01
  in
• 11:02
  those
• 11:02
  three
• 11:02
  months
• 11:02
  I
• 11:02
  was,
• 11:03
  I
• 11:04
  was
• 11:04
  watching
• 11:04
  my
• 11:04
  husband
• 11:05
  go
• 11:05
  through
• 11:06
  frustration,
• 11:08
  anger,
• 11:08
  all
• 11:09
  those
• 11:09
  things.
• 11:10
  And
• 11:11
  I
• 11:12
  started
• 11:12
  to
• 11:13
  recognize,
• 11:14
  almost
• 11:14
  mirroring
• 11:15
  me,
• 11:15
  I
• 11:16
  was
• 11:16
  like,
• 11:16
  that's
• 11:17
  what
• 11:17
  I
• 11:17
  am
• 11:17
  going.
• 11:18
  But
• 11:18
  not
• 11:18
  like
• 11:18
  from
• 11:19
  when
• 11:19
  my
• 11:19
  mom
• 11:19
  passed
• 11:20
  away,
• 11:20
  but
• 11:20
  I'm
• 11:21
  going
• 11:21
  this
• 11:21
  like
• 11:21
  true
• 11:22
  now,
• 11:22
  right?
• 11:23
  And
• 11:23
  I'm
• 11:23
  like,
• 11:24
  wow,
• 11:24
  it's
• 11:25
  like,
• 11:25
  no.
• 11:25
  And.
• 11:26
  And
• 11:26
  then
• 11:27
  I
• 11:27
  was
• 11:27
  just
• 11:27
  like,
• 11:28
  oh,
• 11:28
  no,
• 11:28
  no,
• 11:28
  Katie,
• 11:28
  don't
• 11:29
  even
• 11:29
  think
• 11:29
  so.
• 11:29
  Because
• 11:30
  he's
• 11:31
  losing
• 11:31
  a
• 11:31
  person.
• 11:32
  But
• 11:32
  you
• 11:32
  haven't
• 11:32
  lost
• 11:33
  anybody.
• 11:33
  Like,
• 11:33
  you
• 11:34
  know,
• 11:34
  just
• 11:34
  don't
• 11:35
  even
• 11:35
  think
• 11:35
  Like
• 11:35
  I
• 11:35
  was
• 11:36
  thinking,
• 11:36
  no,
• 11:36
  I
• 11:36
  cannot
• 11:36
  have
• 11:36
  those
• 11:37
  thoughts.
• 11:37
  Like
• 11:37
  I
• 11:38
  cannot
• 11:38
  even
• 11:38
  compare
• 11:39
  those
• 11:39
  things.
• 11:39
  What
• 11:39
  I,
• 11:40
  you
• 11:40
  know,
• 11:40
  I'm
• 11:40
  missing
• 11:41
  or
• 11:41
  what,
• 11:41
  what
• 11:41
  happened
• 11:42
  to
• 11:42
  me
• 11:42
  to
• 11:42
  he's
• 11:43
  losing
• 11:43
  a
• 11:43
  person.
• 11:43
  This
• 11:44
  surely
• 11:44
  is
• 11:44
  like
• 11:44
  that
• 11:45
  biggest
• 11:45
  loss
• 11:46
  or
• 11:46
  whatever.
• 11:46
  Like
• 11:47
  the
• 11:47
  hardest
• 11:47
  ever,
• 11:47
  you
• 11:48
  know.
• 11:48
  So
• 11:48
  I
• 11:48
  didn't
• 11:49
  want
• 11:49
  to
• 11:49
  even
• 11:50
  think
• 11:50
  of
• 11:50
  like,
• 11:51
  no,
• 11:51
  no,
• 11:51
  you
• 11:51
  need
• 11:52
  to
• 11:52
  be
• 11:52
  okay
• 11:52
  and
• 11:52
  you
• 11:52
  need
• 11:53
  to
• 11:53
  be
• 11:53
  actually
• 11:53
  strong
• 11:53
  now
• 11:54
  for
• 11:54
  him
• 11:54
  as
• 11:54
  well.
• 11:54
  I
• 11:54
  was
• 11:55
  thinking,
• 11:55
  right,
• 11:56
  so
• 11:57
  going
• 11:57
  to
• 11:58
  psychologist
• 11:59
  as
• 11:59
  you
• 11:59
  said.
• 11:59
  Exactly.
• 12:00
  That's
• 12:00
  what
• 12:00
  she
• 12:00
  said
• 12:01
  to
• 12:01
  me.
• 12:01
  I
• 12:01
  went
• 12:01
  there
• 12:02
  and
• 12:02
  I
• 12:02
  said
• 12:02
  to
• 12:02
  him,
• 12:03
  I
• 12:03
  said
• 12:03
  to
• 12:03
  her,
• 12:04
  yeah,
• 12:04
  those
• 12:05
  are
• 12:05
  my
• 12:05
  feelings.
• 12:06
  I'm
• 12:06
  trying
• 12:06
  not
• 12:06
  to
• 12:06
  have
• 12:07
  them
• 12:07
  because
• 12:07
  honestly
• 12:08
  he's
• 12:08
  losing
• 12:08
  a
• 12:08
  person.
• 12:09
  But
• 12:09
  I
• 12:09
  don't
• 12:09
  know
• 12:09
  if
• 12:10
  I'm
• 12:10
  crazy
• 12:10
  or
• 12:10
  what.
• 12:11
  And
• 12:11
  she
• 12:11
  was
• 12:11
  like,
• 12:12
  Kathy,
• 12:14
  you
• 12:14
  are
• 12:14
  going
• 12:15
  through
• 12:15
  grief.
• 12:16
  What
• 12:16
  you
• 12:16
  are
• 12:17
  experiencing
• 12:17
  is
• 12:18
  grief.
• 12:18
  And
• 12:18
  I'm
• 12:19
  like,
• 12:19
  no,
• 12:19
  no,
• 12:19
  no,
• 12:19
  no.
• 12:20
  Like
• 12:20
  I
• 12:21
  am
• 12:21
  alive.
• 12:21
  Nobody
• 12:22
  died.
• 12:22
  No,
• 12:22
  no,
• 12:22
  everybody
• 12:23
  told
• 12:23
  me,
• 12:24
  at
• 12:24
  least
• 12:24
  you
• 12:24
  are
• 12:25
  alive.
• 12:25
  And
• 12:25
  I
• 12:25
  was
• 12:25
  like,
• 12:26
  doctor
• 12:26
  said
• 12:26
  I'm
• 12:26
  the
• 12:27
  lucky
• 12:27
  girl,
• 12:27
  I'm
• 12:28
  alive.
• 12:28
  Like,
• 12:28
  surely
• 12:29
  I'm
• 12:29
  not
• 12:29
  like.
• 12:30
  But
• 12:30
  then
• 12:30
  I
• 12:30
  don't
• 12:30
  know
• 12:31
  because
• 12:31
  I'm
• 12:32
  in
• 12:32
  depression.
• 12:33
  I
• 12:33
  had
• 12:33
  a
• 12:33
  suicidal
• 12:34
  thought.
• 12:34
  I
• 12:34
  don't
• 12:34
  want
• 12:34
  to
• 12:35
  be
• 12:35
  in
• 12:35
  it
• 12:35
  anymore.
• 12:36
  Anger,
• 12:37
  but
• 12:37
  anger
• 12:37
  kind
• 12:37
  of
• 12:38
  more
• 12:38
  even
• 12:38
  to
• 12:38
  my.
• 12:39
  Towards
• 12:39
  my
• 12:39
  own
• 12:39
  body
• 12:40
  because
• 12:40
  it's
• 12:40
  not
• 12:40
  doing
• 12:40
  what
• 12:41
  I'm
• 12:41
  telling
• 12:41
  it
• 12:41
  and
• 12:42
  it's
• 12:42
  following
• 12:43
  me,
• 12:43
  you
• 12:43
  know,
• 12:44
  it's
• 12:44
  just
• 12:44
  like,
• 12:44
  why
• 12:45
  you
• 12:45
  not
• 12:45
  working
• 12:45
  the
• 12:46
  way
• 12:46
  I
• 12:46
  want
• 12:46
  you
• 12:46
  to
• 12:47
  work?
• 12:47
  Like,
• 12:47
  I
• 12:47
  do
• 12:48
  everything.
• 12:48
  Just
• 12:49
  please.
• 12:49
  I'm
• 12:49
  just
• 12:49
  like,
• 12:50
  that's
• 12:50
  bargaining.
• 12:51
  And
• 12:51
  I'm
• 12:52
  like,
• 12:52
  it's
• 12:53
  like,
• 12:53
  you
• 12:53
  know
• 12:53
  those
• 12:54
  five
• 12:54
  stages
• 12:54
  of
• 12:55
  grief?
• 12:55
  And
• 12:55
  I'm
• 12:55
  like,
• 12:56
  no,
• 12:56
  not
• 12:56
  really,
• 12:57
  to
• 12:57
  be
• 12:57
  honest.
• 12:58
  And
• 12:58
  she's
• 12:59
  like,
• 12:59
  no,
• 12:59
  that's
• 13:00
  what
• 13:00
  you
• 13:00
  are
• 13:00
  experiencing.
• 13:01
  And
• 13:02
  I
• 13:02
  know
• 13:02
  like
• 13:02
  now,
• 13:02
  and
• 13:02
  I
• 13:03
  mentioned
• 13:03
  those
• 13:03
  five
• 13:03
  stages,
• 13:03
  everybody
• 13:04
  will
• 13:04
  go,
• 13:04
  oh,
• 13:05
  grief
• 13:05
  doesn't
• 13:05
  come
• 13:05
  in
• 13:05
  stages.
• 13:06
  And
• 13:06
  it
• 13:06
  doesn't.
• 13:07
  Oh,
• 13:08
  absolutely
• 13:08
  it
• 13:08
  does.
• 13:09
  But
• 13:10
  it
• 13:10
  is
• 13:11
  knowing
• 13:11
  this,
• 13:12
  it
• 13:12
  helped
• 13:13
  me
• 13:13
  to
• 13:13
  recognize
• 13:14
  that
• 13:15
  I
• 13:15
  am
• 13:15
  going
• 13:17
  through
• 13:17
  something
• 13:17
  that
• 13:18
  is
• 13:18
  totally
• 13:19
  normal.
• 13:20
  This
• 13:20
  even
• 13:20
  has
• 13:20
  the
• 13:21
  name
• 13:21
  is
• 13:21
  Goody
• 13:22
  and
• 13:23
  can
• 13:23
  happen
• 13:23
  even
• 13:24
  when
• 13:24
  you
• 13:24
  lose
• 13:25
  your
• 13:25
  health,
• 13:26
  your
• 13:26
  job,
• 13:26
  because
• 13:27
  later
• 13:27
  on
• 13:27
  I
• 13:27
  lost
• 13:27
  even
• 13:28
  my
• 13:28
  job
• 13:28
  because
• 13:29
  of
• 13:29
  my
• 13:29
  hope.
• 13:30
  Your
• 13:31
  dreams,
• 13:31
  your
• 13:32
  future,
• 13:32
  your
• 13:32
  life
• 13:33
  as
• 13:33
  you
• 13:33
  knew
• 13:33
  it,
• 13:34
  everything,
• 13:35
  any
• 13:35
  unduly
• 13:36
  or
• 13:36
  even
• 13:37
  actually
• 13:37
  positive
• 13:38
  changes
• 13:38
  when
• 13:38
  we
• 13:39
  finish
• 13:39
  university
• 13:39
  or
• 13:40
  something
• 13:40
  and
• 13:40
  there's
• 13:40
  suddenly
• 13:41
  a
• 13:41
  change.
• 13:41
  And
• 13:41
  so
• 13:42
  anything
• 13:42
  really
• 13:43
  can
• 13:44
  cause
• 13:45
  grief,
• 13:45
  really,
• 13:46
  you
• 13:46
  know,
• 13:46
  and
• 13:47
  I
• 13:48
  didn't
• 13:48
  really
• 13:48
  notice.
• 13:49
  I
• 13:49
  said,
• 13:50
  wow,
• 13:50
  I
• 13:51
  didn't
• 13:51
  know
• 13:51
  it.
• 13:51
  And
• 13:51
  then
• 13:51
  I
• 13:51
  said
• 13:52
  to
• 13:52
  her,
• 13:52
  like,
• 13:52
  but
• 13:53
  hey,
• 13:53
  like
• 13:54
  a
• 13:54
  moment
• 13:55
  I
• 13:55
  said
• 13:55
  to
• 13:55
  her,
• 13:55
  like,
• 13:56
  but
• 13:56
  then
• 13:56
  I
• 13:57
  was
• 13:57
  in
• 13:57
  hospital
• 13:57
  and
• 13:58
  I
• 13:58
  was
• 13:58
  so
• 13:58
  positive,
• 13:59
  you
• 13:59
  know,
• 13:59
  I.
• 14:00
  I
• 14:00
  was
• 14:00
  like,
• 14:00
  no,
• 14:01
  I'm
• 14:01
  going
• 14:01
  to
• 14:01
  get
• 14:01
  to
• 14:02
  it.
• 14:02
  Like,
• 14:02
  I'm
• 14:02
  so
• 14:02
  positive.
• 14:03
  And
• 14:03
  she
• 14:03
  said
• 14:03
  to
• 14:03
  me,
• 14:04
  like,
• 14:04
  do
• 14:05
  you
• 14:05
  know
• 14:05
  most
• 14:05
  people
• 14:06
  actually
• 14:07
  experience
• 14:07
  like
• 14:07
  shock
• 14:08
  or
• 14:08
  kind
• 14:09
  of
• 14:09
  even
• 14:09
  numbness
• 14:10
  and
• 14:10
  even
• 14:10
  kind
• 14:10
  of
• 14:10
  denial
• 14:11
  when
• 14:12
  this
• 14:12
  happens.
• 14:13
  And
• 14:13
  I
• 14:13
  was
• 14:13
  thinking
• 14:13
  of
• 14:13
  my
• 14:14
  mom
• 14:14
  when
• 14:14
  I
• 14:14
  walked
• 14:14
  in
• 14:14
  and
• 14:15
  was
• 14:15
  like,
• 14:16
  yeah,
• 14:17
  kind
• 14:17
  of.
• 14:17
  I
• 14:17
  do
• 14:17
  know.
• 14:18
  It's
• 14:18
  like,
• 14:18
  well,
• 14:19
  then
• 14:19
  you're
• 14:19
  going
• 14:20
  through
• 14:20
  this
• 14:20
  now.
• 14:20
  And
• 14:21
  I'm
• 14:21
  like,
• 14:23
  this
• 14:23
  is
• 14:23
  strange,
• 14:24
  you
• 14:24
  know,
• 14:25
  it's
• 14:25
  like,
• 14:25
  no,
• 14:25
  no,
• 14:25
  it's
• 14:26
  nothing
• 14:26
  strange
• 14:26
  about
• 14:26
  this.
• 14:27
  You're
• 14:27
  going
• 14:27
  to
• 14:27
  grieve.
• 14:28
  And
• 14:28
  anybody
• 14:29
  really,
• 14:29
  any
• 14:30
  change
• 14:30
  can
• 14:31
  actually
• 14:31
  cause
• 14:32
  this.
• 14:33
  So
• 14:33
  really
• 14:33
  it
• 14:34
  was
• 14:34
  so
• 14:34
  today
• 14:34
  I
• 14:35
  didn't
• 14:35
  know
• 14:35
  this.
• 14:35
  And
• 14:35
  that's
• 14:36
  why,
• 14:36
  as
• 14:37
  you
• 14:37
  said,
• 14:37
  I'm
• 14:37
  grieving
• 14:37
  loss
• 14:38
  coach
• 14:39
  as
• 14:39
  well,
• 14:39
  but
• 14:39
  as
• 14:40
  well,
• 14:41
  losses
• 14:41
  that
• 14:42
  are
• 14:42
  really
• 14:42
  living
• 14:43
  losses
• 14:43
  and
• 14:43
  that
• 14:44
  often,
• 14:44
  so
• 14:44
  unrecognized
• 14:45
  and
• 14:46
  often
• 14:46
  the
• 14:46
  word
• 14:47
  just
• 14:47
  telling
• 14:47
  you
• 14:48
  kind
• 14:48
  of,
• 14:48
  oh,
• 14:48
  just
• 14:49
  get
• 14:49
  on,
• 14:49
  you
• 14:49
  know,
• 14:50
  just
• 14:50
  get
• 14:50
  over
• 14:50
  it.
• 14:51
  And
• 14:51
  move
• 14:51
  on
• 14:51
  and
• 14:51
  like,
• 14:52
  you
• 14:52
  know,
• 14:52
  you
• 14:52
  need
• 14:52
  to
• 14:53
  whatever,
• 14:54
  and.
• 14:54
  And
• 14:55
  there's
• 14:55
  not
• 14:55
  even
• 14:56
  a
• 14:56
  funeral,
• 14:56
  obviously,
• 14:57
  for
• 14:57
  those
• 14:57
  wolses.
• 14:58
  Then
• 14:58
  you
• 14:58
  don't
• 14:58
  get
• 14:58
  any
• 14:59
  cards
• 14:59
  saying,
• 15:00
  you
• 15:00
  know,
• 15:00
  I'm
• 15:00
  sorry
• 15:01
  or
• 15:01
  whatever.
• 15:03
  There's
• 15:03
  nothing
• 15:04
  really.
• 15:04
  So
• 15:05
  you
• 15:05
  just
• 15:05
  say,
• 15:06
  okay,
• 15:06
  I
• 15:06
  had
• 15:06
  an
• 15:07
  accident
• 15:07
  and
• 15:07
  I
• 15:07
  should
• 15:08
  really
• 15:08
  move
• 15:08
  on
• 15:08
  and
• 15:09
  get
• 15:09
  on
• 15:09
  with
• 15:09
  my
• 15:09
  life,
• 15:10
  because
• 15:10
  that's
• 15:11
  surely
• 15:11
  what
• 15:11
  everybody
• 15:12
  else
• 15:12
  is
• 15:12
  doing.
• 15:12
  And
• 15:13
  if
• 15:13
  I
• 15:13
  have
• 15:13
  those
• 15:14
  thoughts,
• 15:14
  this
• 15:14
  is
• 15:15
  just
• 15:15
  a
• 15:15
  damn
• 15:15
  week
• 15:16
  or
• 15:16
  something,
• 15:16
  you
• 15:16
  know?
• 15:17
  Right.
• 15:17
  Which
• 15:18
  is,
• 15:18
  which
• 15:18
  is
• 15:19
  crazy.
• 15:19
  I
• 15:19
  mean,
• 15:19
  it's
• 15:20
  like
• 15:20
  now
• 15:20
  that
• 15:21
  you're
• 15:21
  sitting
• 15:21
  back
• 15:21
  and
• 15:22
  looking
• 15:22
  at
• 15:22
  it,
• 15:22
  you
• 15:23
  lost
• 15:23
  something.
• 15:24
  And
• 15:24
  grief
• 15:25
  is
• 15:25
  nothing
• 15:25
  more
• 15:26
  than
• 15:27
  processing
• 15:28
  and
• 15:28
  ex.
• 15:29
  You
• 15:29
  know,
• 15:30
  handling
• 15:31
  a
• 15:31
  loss.
• 15:32
  I.
• 15:32
  I
• 15:33
  deal
• 15:33
  with
• 15:33
  it.
• 15:33
  A
• 15:33
  lot
• 15:33
  of
• 15:33
  people
• 15:34
  when
• 15:34
  they,
• 15:34
  when
• 15:35
  they
• 15:35
  go
• 15:35
  in
• 15:35
  through
• 15:35
  recovery,
• 15:36
  a
• 15:36
  lot
• 15:36
  of
• 15:36
  people
• 15:36
  in
• 15:37
  this
• 15:37
  podcast,
• 15:38
  even
• 15:38
  listening,
• 15:38
  have
• 15:38
  gone
• 15:39
  through
• 15:39
  a
• 15:39
  recovery
• 15:40
  Stage
• 15:40
  or
• 15:40
  a
• 15:41
  12,
• 15:41
  12
• 15:41
  step
• 15:42
  program,
• 15:42
  and
• 15:43
  all
• 15:43
  of
• 15:43
  a
• 15:43
  sudden
• 15:43
  they
• 15:43
  get
• 15:44
  this
• 15:44
  undeniable,
• 15:45
  like,
• 15:46
  depression
• 15:46
  or
• 15:47
  sadness,
• 15:47
  and
• 15:47
  they're
• 15:48
  like,
• 15:48
  I
• 15:48
  don't
• 15:48
  understand.
• 15:49
  And
• 15:49
  I'm
• 15:49
  like,
• 15:50
  you're
• 15:50
  literally
• 15:50
  grieving
• 15:52
  the
• 15:52
  person
• 15:52
  that
• 15:52
  you're
• 15:53
  leaving
• 15:53
  behind.
• 15:54
  I
• 15:54
  mean,
• 15:54
  there
• 15:54
  are
• 15:55
  so
• 15:55
  many
• 15:55
  different
• 15:56
  living
• 15:56
  losses.
• 15:57
  Like,
• 15:57
  you
• 15:57
  said
• 15:57
  that
• 15:58
  you,
• 15:59
  you
• 15:59
  process
• 15:59
  it
• 15:59
  the
• 15:59
  same
• 16:00
  way.
• 16:00
  Can
• 16:00
  you
• 16:00
  talk
• 16:01
  about
• 16:01
  in
• 16:01
  general,
• 16:02
  you
• 16:02
  know,
• 16:02
  real
• 16:03
  quickly,
• 16:04
  summer
• 16:04
  up,
• 16:04
  summarize
• 16:05
  the
• 16:05
  five
• 16:06
  stages
• 16:06
  of
• 16:06
  grief?
• 16:07
  Because
• 16:07
  I
• 16:07
  think
• 16:07
  it's
• 16:07
  very
• 16:08
  important
• 16:08
  for
• 16:08
  the
• 16:08
  listeners
• 16:09
  to
• 16:09
  be
• 16:09
  able
• 16:09
  to.
• 16:10
  If
• 16:11
  they
• 16:11
  question,
• 16:11
  like,
• 16:12
  am
• 16:12
  I
• 16:12
  going
• 16:12
  through
• 16:12
  grief?
• 16:13
  Is
• 16:13
  this
• 16:13
  something
• 16:13
  I'm
• 16:14
  doing
• 16:14
  that
• 16:15
  they
• 16:15
  can
• 16:15
  see
• 16:15
  how
• 16:15
  it
• 16:16
  can
• 16:16
  fit
• 16:16
  into
• 16:17
  the
• 16:18
  different
• 16:18
  phases
• 16:19
  of
• 16:19
  maybe
• 16:19
  what
• 16:19
  they're
• 16:20
  going
• 16:20
  through?
• 16:22
  Yes.
• 16:22
  So,
• 16:25
  yeah,
• 16:25
  the
• 16:25
  Stages
• 16:25
  of
• 16:26
  Grief
• 16:26
  by
• 16:27
  Elizabeth
• 16:27
  Koblem
• 16:28
  as
• 16:29
  well.
• 16:29
  I
• 16:29
  want
• 16:29
  to
• 16:29
  say,
• 16:30
  you
• 16:30
  know,
• 16:30
  before
• 16:31
  I
• 16:31
  start
• 16:31
  talking
• 16:32
  about
• 16:32
  them,
• 16:32
  a
• 16:32
  lot
• 16:32
  of
• 16:33
  people
• 16:33
  say
• 16:33
  grief
• 16:34
  doesn't
• 16:34
  go
• 16:34
  in
• 16:34
  stages.
• 16:35
  And
• 16:35
  I
• 16:35
  understand
• 16:36
  why
• 16:36
  they
• 16:36
  say
• 16:36
  it
• 16:37
  because
• 16:38
  it
• 16:38
  almost
• 16:38
  feel
• 16:39
  like
• 16:39
  it
• 16:40
  goes
• 16:40
  in
• 16:40
  a
• 16:41
  circle
• 16:41
  or
• 16:41
  so.
• 16:42
  But
• 16:42
  just
• 16:43
  because
• 16:43
  we
• 16:43
  have
• 16:43
  those
• 16:43
  five
• 16:44
  stages
• 16:44
  of
• 16:44
  grief,
• 16:45
  it
• 16:45
  doesn't
• 16:45
  really
• 16:46
  mean
• 16:46
  that
• 16:47
  we
• 16:47
  will
• 16:47
  be
• 16:47
  going
• 16:47
  through
• 16:48
  them,
• 16:48
  you
• 16:48
  know,
• 16:49
  like
• 16:49
  on
• 16:49
  the
• 16:49
  stairs
• 16:50
  or
• 16:50
  so
• 16:50
  that's
• 16:50
  what
• 16:50
  people
• 16:51
  often
• 16:51
  think.
• 16:51
  So,
• 16:52
  yeah.
• 16:52
  So
• 16:52
  those
• 16:52
  stages
• 16:53
  are
• 16:53
  denial,
• 16:54
  anger,
• 16:55
  bargaining,
• 16:57
  depression,
• 16:58
  and
• 16:58
  acceptance
• 17:00
  and
• 17:01
  days
• 17:01
  as
• 17:02
  well.
• 17:02
  I
• 17:03
  know
• 17:03
  David
• 17:04
  Kistler
• 17:05
  wrote
• 17:05
  a
• 17:05
  book,
• 17:05
  Finding
• 17:06
  Meaning.
• 17:06
  That's
• 17:06
  the
• 17:07
  sixth
• 17:07
  stage.
• 17:08
  So,
• 17:08
  yeah,
• 17:09
  but
• 17:09
  really,
• 17:09
  I
• 17:10
  think
• 17:10
  I,
• 17:10
  I
• 17:10
  went
• 17:10
  through
• 17:11
  them
• 17:11
  all.
• 17:11
  Like,
• 17:11
  the
• 17:11
  first,
• 17:12
  as
• 17:12
  I
• 17:12
  said,
• 17:12
  denial
• 17:13
  was
• 17:13
  just
• 17:14
  like.
• 17:14
  I
• 17:14
  was
• 17:14
  like,
• 17:15
  no,
• 17:15
  everything
• 17:15
  will
• 17:15
  be
• 17:15
  fine.
• 17:16
  You
• 17:16
  know,
• 17:16
  even
• 17:16
  the
• 17:16
  doctor
• 17:17
  said,
• 17:17
  like,
• 17:17
  it's
• 17:18
  going
• 17:18
  to
• 17:18
  take
• 17:18
  a
• 17:18
  long
• 17:18
  time.
• 17:19
  I'm
• 17:19
  like,
• 17:19
  okay,
• 17:20
  I'll
• 17:20
  do
• 17:20
  it.
• 17:20
  Like,
• 17:20
  you
• 17:21
  know,
• 17:21
  I'll
• 17:21
  be
• 17:21
  fine.
• 17:22
  Especially
• 17:22
  you
• 17:22
  in
• 17:22
  a
• 17:22
  hospital
• 17:23
  where
• 17:23
  you
• 17:23
  have
• 17:24
  all
• 17:24
  this
• 17:24
  Help
• 17:25
  around
• 17:25
  you
• 17:26
  is
• 17:27
  just
• 17:27
  like,
• 17:27
  oh,
• 17:27
  I
• 17:28
  feel
• 17:28
  like
• 17:28
  I'm
• 17:28
  like
• 17:28
  almost
• 17:29
  in
• 17:29
  a
• 17:29
  hotel.
• 17:29
  Just
• 17:30
  everything
• 17:30
  hurts
• 17:30
  me.
• 17:31
  They
• 17:31
  give
• 17:31
  me
• 17:31
  some
• 17:32
  medication,
• 17:32
  but
• 17:32
  everybody's
• 17:33
  looking
• 17:33
  after
• 17:34
  me
• 17:34
  perfect,
• 17:35
  you
• 17:35
  know.
• 17:36
  So,
• 17:36
  yeah,
• 17:36
  that's
• 17:37
  how
• 17:37
  it
• 17:37
  kind
• 17:37
  of
• 17:37
  almost
• 17:37
  felt.
• 17:38
  And
• 17:39
  then
• 17:39
  that
• 17:39
  comes
• 17:39
  the
• 17:40
  anger.
• 17:40
  You
• 17:41
  know,
• 17:41
  this
• 17:41
  can
• 17:41
  be
• 17:42
  really
• 17:42
  towards
• 17:42
  anybody.
• 17:43
  Like
• 17:43
  when
• 17:44
  you
• 17:44
  lost
• 17:44
  a
• 17:44
  person
• 17:44
  or
• 17:45
  say
• 17:45
  you
• 17:45
  can
• 17:45
  have
• 17:45
  an
• 17:46
  anger
• 17:46
  now
• 17:46
  towards
• 17:47
  the
• 17:47
  medical
• 17:47
  team
• 17:48
  or
• 17:48
  whatever
• 17:48
  by
• 17:48
  teaching,
• 17:49
  haven't
• 17:49
  saved
• 17:49
  them.
• 17:49
  And
• 17:49
  so
• 17:50
  you
• 17:50
  can
• 17:51
  have
• 17:51
  like
• 17:51
  me
• 17:51
  maybe
• 17:51
  anger
• 17:52
  towards
• 17:52
  your
• 17:52
  own
• 17:52
  body
• 17:53
  if
• 17:53
  you
• 17:53
  have
• 17:54
  health
• 17:54
  issues
• 17:55
  still.
• 17:55
  Like,
• 17:55
  why
• 17:55
  is
• 17:55
  just
• 17:56
  the
• 17:56
  body
• 17:56
  not
• 17:56
  listening
• 17:57
  to
• 17:57
  you?
• 17:57
  Even
• 17:57
  though
• 17:58
  I
• 17:58
  didn't
• 17:58
  listen
• 17:59
  to
• 17:59
  my
• 17:59
  body,
• 18:00
  to
• 18:00
  be
• 18:00
  honest.
• 18:02
  And
• 18:02
  then,
• 18:02
  you
• 18:03
  know,
• 18:03
  really
• 18:04
  you
• 18:04
  can
• 18:04
  just
• 18:04
  have
• 18:04
  an
• 18:04
  anger
• 18:05
  against
• 18:05
  anybody.
• 18:06
  God,
• 18:06
  why
• 18:06
  God
• 18:07
  actually
• 18:07
  allows
• 18:08
  this?
• 18:08
  Or
• 18:08
  so
• 18:09
  then
• 18:09
  you
• 18:09
  go
• 18:10
  to
• 18:10
  bargaining,
• 18:10
  as
• 18:11
  I
• 18:11
  said,
• 18:11
  you
• 18:11
  know,
• 18:11
  like,
• 18:12
  God,
• 18:12
  if
• 18:13
  you
• 18:13
  just
• 18:13
  do
• 18:13
  this,
• 18:14
  you
• 18:14
  know,
• 18:14
  I
• 18:15
  will
• 18:15
  be,
• 18:15
  I
• 18:15
  don't
• 18:15
  know,
• 18:16
  praying
• 18:16
  so
• 18:17
  many
• 18:17
  times
• 18:17
  or
• 18:17
  I
• 18:18
  don't
• 18:18
  know.
• 18:18
  Or
• 18:18
  if
• 18:18
  I
• 18:18
  just
• 18:19
  eat
• 18:19
  this
• 18:19
  or
• 18:19
  take
• 18:20
  this
• 18:20
  medicine,
• 18:21
  my
• 18:21
  body
• 18:21
  surely.
• 18:22
  And
• 18:22
  then
• 18:22
  it's
• 18:22
  like,
• 18:22
  why
• 18:22
  is
• 18:23
  it
• 18:23
  not
• 18:23
  doing
• 18:24
  like,
• 18:24
  oh,
• 18:24
  come
• 18:25
  on.
• 18:25
  I
• 18:25
  bargain.
• 18:25
  And
• 18:26
  he's
• 18:26
  not
• 18:26
  listening
• 18:27
  to
• 18:27
  me.
• 18:28
  So
• 18:28
  yeah.
• 18:29
  And
• 18:29
  then,
• 18:29
  then
• 18:29
  is
• 18:30
  the
• 18:30
  depression
• 18:30
  because
• 18:31
  you
• 18:31
  get
• 18:31
  frustrated
• 18:32
  and
• 18:32
  you
• 18:32
  get
• 18:32
  depressed
• 18:33
  because
• 18:33
  he's
• 18:33
  not
• 18:33
  doing
• 18:34
  this.
• 18:34
  And
• 18:34
  so.
• 18:35
  And
• 18:35
  he
• 18:35
  just
• 18:35
  got.
• 18:36
  I
• 18:36
  got
• 18:36
  into
• 18:36
  depression
• 18:37
  and
• 18:37
  I
• 18:37
  think
• 18:38
  because
• 18:38
  I
• 18:39
  tried
• 18:39
  to
• 18:39
  go
• 18:39
  into
• 18:40
  work,
• 18:41
  like,
• 18:42
  you
• 18:42
  know,
• 18:42
  and
• 18:42
  as
• 18:43
  I
• 18:43
  said,
• 18:43
  it
• 18:43
  was
• 18:43
  so
• 18:44
  many
• 18:44
  times
• 18:44
  in
• 18:44
  so
• 18:45
  much
• 18:45
  pain
• 18:45
  and
• 18:45
  sleepless
• 18:46
  nights
• 18:46
  and
• 18:46
  everything
• 18:47
  and
• 18:48
  phoning
• 18:48
  in
• 18:48
  the
• 18:48
  morning
• 18:49
  work
• 18:49
  that
• 18:49
  I'm
• 18:49
  not
• 18:50
  coming
• 18:50
  to
• 18:50
  work.
• 18:51
  And
• 18:51
  the
• 18:51
  next
• 18:51
  day
• 18:51
  again.
• 18:51
  And
• 18:52
  so
• 18:53
  I
• 18:53
  dreaded
• 18:53
  this
• 18:53
  phone
• 18:54
  call.
• 18:54
  I
• 18:54
  was
• 18:54
  like,
• 18:55
  I
• 18:55
  don't
• 18:55
  want
• 18:55
  to
• 18:56
  phone
• 18:56
  again
• 18:56
  and
• 18:56
  I'm
• 18:56
  not
• 18:57
  coming
• 18:57
  to
• 18:57
  work.
• 18:57
  Oh,
• 18:58
  no,
• 18:58
  no,
• 18:58
  no.
• 18:59
  What
• 18:59
  do
• 18:59
  you
• 18:59
  think
• 18:59
  of
• 18:59
  me?
• 19:00
  You
• 19:00
  know,
• 19:00
  and
• 19:00
  all
• 19:01
  these
• 19:01
  things
• 19:02
  and
• 19:02
  then
• 19:02
  it
• 19:02
  just
• 19:02
  gets
• 19:03
  you
• 19:03
  even
• 19:03
  more
• 19:03
  depression.
• 19:04
  So
• 19:05
  yeah.
• 19:05
  And
• 19:06
  is
• 19:07
  the
• 19:07
  acceptance.
• 19:08
  And
• 19:08
  this
• 19:09
  is
• 19:09
  what
• 19:10
  we
• 19:10
  often
• 19:10
  get
• 19:11
  wrong,
• 19:11
  I
• 19:11
  would
• 19:12
  say
• 19:12
  because
• 19:13
  we
• 19:13
  often
• 19:13
  think
• 19:14
  acceptance
• 19:15
  is.
• 19:15
  Oh.
• 19:16
  Which
• 19:16
  is,
• 19:16
  you
• 19:16
  know,
• 19:17
  acceptance
• 19:18
  means
• 19:18
  just
• 19:18
  that
• 19:18
  we
• 19:19
  are
• 19:19
  okay
• 19:19
  with
• 19:20
  what
• 19:20
  happens.
• 19:20
  So
• 19:20
  how
• 19:20
  can
• 19:21
  I
• 19:21
  be
• 19:21
  even
• 19:21
  okay
• 19:21
  that
• 19:22
  my
• 19:22
  mom
• 19:22
  passed
• 19:22
  away?
• 19:22
  How
• 19:23
  it
• 19:23
  can
• 19:23
  be
• 19:23
  okay
• 19:23
  that
• 19:24
  this
• 19:24
  happen
• 19:24
  me,
• 19:24
  but
• 19:25
  it
• 19:25
  isn't
• 19:25
  really
• 19:26
  acceptance
• 19:26
  days.
• 19:27
  Like
• 19:27
  I
• 19:27
  see
• 19:28
  acceptance
• 19:28
  as
• 19:29
  I
• 19:29
  accept
• 19:30
  my
• 19:30
  feelings.
• 19:31
  I
• 19:31
  accepted.
• 19:31
  I
• 19:32
  have
• 19:32
  hard
• 19:32
  days
• 19:33
  as
• 19:33
  well.
• 19:34
  I
• 19:34
  accept
• 19:34
  it.
• 19:34
  Unfortunately.
• 19:35
  This
• 19:36
  is
• 19:36
  the
• 19:36
  reality.
• 19:37
  If
• 19:37
  I
• 19:37
  want
• 19:37
  to
• 19:38
  see
• 19:38
  it
• 19:38
  or
• 19:38
  not.
• 19:38
  This
• 19:39
  is
• 19:39
  the
• 19:39
  reality.
• 19:39
  I
• 19:40
  cannot
• 19:40
  change
• 19:41
  it.
• 19:42
  Right?
• 19:43
  But
• 19:44
  I
• 19:44
  can,
• 19:45
  I
• 19:45
  don't
• 19:46
  know,
• 19:46
  having
• 19:46
  if
• 19:47
  I
• 19:47
  want
• 19:47
  about
• 19:47
  it,
• 19:47
  okay,
• 19:48
  go
• 19:48
  somewhere
• 19:48
  and
• 19:48
  scream
• 19:49
  and
• 19:49
  whatever.
• 19:49
  Kick
• 19:50
  into
• 19:50
  pillow
• 19:51
  or
• 19:51
  whatever.
• 19:52
  I
• 19:52
  don't
• 19:52
  know,
• 19:52
  do
• 19:52
  something,
• 19:53
  just
• 19:53
  get
• 19:54
  it
• 19:54
  out
• 19:54
  of,
• 19:54
  you
• 19:55
  know,
• 19:55
  I
• 19:55
  can
• 19:55
  cry,
• 19:56
  I
• 19:56
  can
• 19:56
  whatever.
• 19:56
  I
• 19:57
  have
• 19:57
  so
• 19:57
  many
• 19:57
  feelings
• 19:58
  about
• 19:58
  it,
• 19:58
  and
• 19:59
  I
• 19:59
  can
• 19:59
  accept
• 19:59
  that
• 20:00
  I
• 20:00
  have
• 20:00
  those
• 20:00
  feelings
• 20:01
  and
• 20:01
  I
• 20:01
  can
• 20:01
  do
• 20:02
  something
• 20:02
  about
• 20:02
  this,
• 20:03
  but
• 20:04
  I
• 20:04
  cannot
• 20:04
  change
• 20:05
  what
• 20:05
  happened,
• 20:05
  unfortunately.
• 20:07
  I
• 20:07
  don't
• 20:07
  have
• 20:07
  to
• 20:08
  be
• 20:08
  all
• 20:08
  right
• 20:08
  with
• 20:09
  what
• 20:09
  happened,
• 20:09
  but
• 20:10
  I
• 20:10
  cannot
• 20:10
  change
• 20:10
  it.
• 20:11
  But
• 20:11
  I
• 20:11
  can
• 20:12
  live
• 20:12
  despite
• 20:13
  this.
• 20:13
  And
• 20:13
  that's
• 20:14
  what
• 20:14
  I
• 20:14
  would
• 20:14
  say.
• 20:14
  Is
• 20:14
  this
• 20:14
  finding
• 20:15
  meaning?
• 20:15
  That
• 20:16
  I
• 20:16
  can
• 20:17
  perhaps
• 20:17
  in
• 20:17
  this
• 20:18
  find
• 20:19
  a
• 20:19
  meaning?
• 20:20
  Because
• 20:21
  like
• 20:21
  I
• 20:22
  said
• 20:22
  recently
• 20:22
  to
• 20:23
  a
• 20:23
  stranger
• 20:23
  at
• 20:24
  a
• 20:24
  gym
• 20:24
  where
• 20:25
  I
• 20:25
  was,
• 20:25
  who
• 20:26
  said
• 20:26
  to
• 20:26
  me,
• 20:26
  oh,
• 20:27
  you're
• 20:27
  so
• 20:27
  positive
• 20:27
  about
• 20:28
  this.
• 20:28
  And
• 20:28
  I
• 20:28
  was
• 20:28
  like,
• 20:29
  well,
• 20:29
  only
• 20:30
  had
• 20:30
  two
• 20:30
  really
• 20:31
  ways,
• 20:32
  you
• 20:32
  know,
• 20:32
  either
• 20:33
  this
• 20:33
  would
• 20:34
  break
• 20:34
  me
• 20:35
  or
• 20:35
  I
• 20:35
  will
• 20:35
  make
• 20:36
  something
• 20:36
  out
• 20:36
  of
• 20:36
  it.
• 20:37
  Right.
• 20:37
  Really
• 20:38
  only
• 20:38
  had
• 20:38
  those
• 20:39
  two
• 20:40
  ways,
• 20:40
  really.
• 20:41
  So
• 20:41
  that's
• 20:42
  how
• 20:42
  I
• 20:42
  saw
• 20:42
  it.
• 20:43
  So
• 20:43
  it
• 20:43
  breaks
• 20:44
  me
• 20:44
  or.
• 20:45
  And
• 20:45
  lots
• 20:46
  of
• 20:46
  people
• 20:46
  think,
• 20:47
  and
• 20:47
  we
• 20:47
  talk
• 20:47
  about
• 20:48
  this,
• 20:48
  that
• 20:49
  the
• 20:49
  pain
• 20:50
  they
• 20:50
  going
• 20:50
  through
• 20:51
  is
• 20:51
  kind
• 20:52
  of
• 20:52
  something
• 20:52
  what
• 20:52
  connects
• 20:53
  us
• 20:53
  to
• 20:53
  the
• 20:54
  losses.
• 20:54
  So,
• 20:55
  you
• 20:55
  know,
• 20:55
  we
• 20:55
  lost
• 20:55
  a
• 20:55
  person
• 20:56
  or
• 20:56
  we
• 20:56
  need
• 20:56
  to
• 20:56
  be
• 20:56
  now
• 20:57
  in
• 20:57
  pain
• 20:57
  all
• 20:57
  the
• 20:57
  time
• 20:58
  or
• 20:58
  whatever,
• 20:58
  but
• 20:59
  it's
• 20:59
  actually
• 20:59
  not
• 21:00
  for
• 21:01
  me.
• 21:02
  Pain
• 21:02
  is
• 21:02
  almost
• 21:02
  like
• 21:03
  a
• 21:03
  prison.
• 21:03
  And
• 21:04
  you
• 21:04
  don't
• 21:04
  have
• 21:04
  to
• 21:04
  be
• 21:04
  prisoners
• 21:05
  of
• 21:05
  pain.
• 21:06
  You
• 21:07
  can
• 21:07
  still
• 21:07
  honor
• 21:08
  your
• 21:08
  loved
• 21:09
  ones
• 21:09
  you
• 21:09
  lost
• 21:10
  or
• 21:10
  whatever
• 21:10
  you
• 21:11
  lost
• 21:12
  by
• 21:12
  moving
• 21:13
  forward
• 21:14
  whilst
• 21:14
  you
• 21:14
  honor
• 21:15
  this,
• 21:15
  but
• 21:16
  make
• 21:16
  something
• 21:16
  out
• 21:16
  of
• 21:17
  it.
• 21:17
  Because
• 21:17
  I
• 21:18
  really
• 21:18
  think
• 21:18
  is
• 21:18
  actually
• 21:19
  the
• 21:19
  love
• 21:19
  and
• 21:19
  honoring
• 21:20
  those
• 21:20
  losses.
• 21:21
  What
• 21:21
  is
• 21:21
  the
• 21:21
  connections,
• 21:22
  you
• 21:22
  know,
• 21:23
  and
• 21:23
  not
• 21:23
  the
• 21:23
  pain
• 21:24
  really?
• 21:25
  Right.
• 21:25
  What
• 21:25
  are
• 21:26
  some
• 21:26
  other
• 21:26
  tips
• 21:27
  like
• 21:27
  that
• 21:27
  your
• 21:27
  psychologist
• 21:28
  gave
• 21:28
  you
• 21:29
  as
• 21:29
  far
• 21:29
  as
• 21:29
  how
• 21:29
  to
• 21:30
  deal
• 21:30
  with
• 21:30
  some
• 21:30
  of
• 21:30
  the
• 21:30
  different
• 21:31
  stages?
• 21:31
  Because
• 21:32
  I
• 21:32
  know
• 21:32
  you
• 21:32
  don't
• 21:32
  go
• 21:33
  through
• 21:33
  them.
• 21:33
  Like
• 21:33
  you
• 21:33
  said,
• 21:34
  it's.
• 21:34
  It's
• 21:35
  not
• 21:35
  linear.
• 21:35
  It's
• 21:35
  not
• 21:36
  like
• 21:36
  you
• 21:36
  go
• 21:37
  through
• 21:37
  stage
• 21:37
  one,
• 21:37
  two,
• 21:38
  three,
• 21:38
  four,
• 21:38
  five.
• 21:39
  I
• 21:39
  mean,
• 21:39
  you're
• 21:39
  gonna
• 21:39
  go,
• 21:40
  you
• 21:40
  might
• 21:41
  even
• 21:41
  accept
• 21:41
  it,
• 21:41
  but
• 21:42
  then
• 21:42
  you're
• 21:42
  going
• 21:42
  to
• 21:42
  wake
• 21:42
  up
• 21:42
  one
• 21:43
  morning,
• 21:43
  you're
• 21:43
  going
• 21:43
  to
• 21:43
  be
• 21:44
  pissed
• 21:44
  off
• 21:44
  like
• 21:45
  it
• 21:45
  just
• 21:45
  happened
• 21:45
  yesterday
• 21:46
  and
• 21:46
  you're
• 21:46
  angry
• 21:47
  all
• 21:47
  over
• 21:47
  again.
• 21:47
  And
• 21:47
  you
• 21:48
  go,
• 21:48
  you
• 21:48
  bounce
• 21:48
  them
• 21:49
  back
• 21:49
  and
• 21:49
  forth
• 21:49
  between
• 21:50
  the
• 21:50
  stages.
• 21:51
  What
• 21:51
  are
• 21:51
  some
• 21:52
  things
• 21:52
  that
• 21:52
  you
• 21:52
  would
• 21:52
  do
• 21:53
  to
• 21:53
  get
• 21:53
  yourself
• 21:54
  out
• 21:54
  of
• 21:54
  those?
• 21:55
  Like,
• 21:55
  you
• 21:56
  know,
• 21:56
  if
• 21:56
  you
• 21:57
  accepted
• 21:57
  it,
• 21:58
  but
• 21:58
  then
• 21:58
  all
• 21:58
  of
• 21:58
  a
• 21:58
  sudden
• 21:59
  you
• 21:59
  go
• 21:59
  back
• 21:59
  and
• 21:59
  you're
• 22:00
  a
• 22:00
  little
• 22:00
  depressed.
• 22:01
  What
• 22:01
  are
• 22:01
  some
• 22:01
  things
• 22:02
  that
• 22:02
  you
• 22:02
  do
• 22:02
  to
• 22:02
  bounce
• 22:03
  back
• 22:03
  and
• 22:03
  forth
• 22:03
  from
• 22:04
  those
• 22:04
  stages?
• 22:06
  I
• 22:06
  would
• 22:07
  say
• 22:07
  probably
• 22:07
  the
• 22:08
  biggest
• 22:08
  one
• 22:08
  is
• 22:08
  don't
• 22:09
  judge
• 22:09
  yourself.
• 22:11
  That's
• 22:11
  what.
• 22:12
  That's
• 22:12
  one
• 22:12
  thing
• 22:13
  which
• 22:13
  she
• 22:13
  never
• 22:13
  even
• 22:14
  didn't
• 22:15
  judge
• 22:15
  my
• 22:15
  feelings,
• 22:16
  you
• 22:17
  know,
• 22:17
  And
• 22:17
  I
• 22:17
  was
• 22:18
  like,
• 22:18
  now
• 22:18
  I'm
• 22:18
  thinking,
• 22:19
  how
• 22:19
  often
• 22:19
  did
• 22:19
  I
• 22:20
  judge
• 22:20
  my
• 22:20
  feelings?
• 22:22
  Almost
• 22:23
  every
• 22:23
  day.
• 22:24
  Right?
• 22:25
  Yeah.
• 22:25
  So
• 22:26
  don't
• 22:26
  judge
• 22:26
  your
• 22:26
  feelings.
• 22:27
  Really.
• 22:27
  I
• 22:27
  came
• 22:27
  to
• 22:27
  the
• 22:28
  thing
• 22:28
  And
• 22:28
  I
• 22:28
  just
• 22:28
  as
• 22:28
  I
• 22:29
  said
• 22:29
  Tinar
• 22:30
  is
• 22:30
  okay
• 22:31
  is
• 22:31
  not
• 22:31
  going
• 22:32
  to
• 22:32
  be
• 22:32
  good
• 22:32
  day
• 22:32
  to
• 22:32
  day
• 22:33
  I
• 22:33
  really
• 22:34
  like.
• 22:34
  But
• 22:35
  even
• 22:36
  in
• 22:36
  that
• 22:36
  bad
• 22:36
  day
• 22:37
  I
• 22:37
  can
• 22:37
  find
• 22:37
  maybe
• 22:38
  something.
• 22:38
  I
• 22:38
  can
• 22:38
  make
• 22:38
  up
• 22:39
  my
• 22:39
  bed
• 22:39
  and
• 22:39
  I
• 22:40
  can
• 22:40
  move
• 22:40
  something
• 22:41
  and
• 22:41
  do
• 22:41
  some
• 22:41
  exercise.
• 22:42
  I
• 22:42
  don't
• 22:42
  have
• 22:42
  to
• 22:43
  do,
• 22:43
  I
• 22:43
  don't
• 22:43
  know,
• 22:44
  one
• 22:44
  many
• 22:45
  things.
• 22:45
  But
• 22:45
  the
• 22:46
  good
• 22:46
  thing
• 22:46
  is,
• 22:46
  I
• 22:47
  mean
• 22:47
  no
• 22:47
  good
• 22:48
  if
• 22:48
  we
• 22:48
  can
• 22:48
  call
• 22:49
  it
• 22:49
  good
• 22:50
  is
• 22:50
  that
• 22:51
  like
• 22:51
  once
• 22:52
  I
• 22:52
  was
• 22:52
  going
• 22:52
  through
• 22:52
  this
• 22:52
  as
• 22:53
  well.
• 22:53
  I'm
• 22:53
  as
• 22:53
  well
• 22:53
  chronic
• 22:54
  pain
• 22:54
  warrior
• 22:55
  now
• 22:55
  and
• 22:56
  I'm
• 22:56
  spraying
• 22:57
  that
• 22:57
  chronic
• 22:57
  pain.
• 22:59
  There
• 23:00
  was
• 23:01
  actually
• 23:02
  on
• 23:02
  the.
• 23:03
  On
• 23:03
  the
• 23:03
  pain
• 23:03
  management
• 23:04
  Institute
• 23:04
  like
• 23:05
  try
• 23:05
  to
• 23:05
  do
• 23:05
  maybe
• 23:06
  three
• 23:06
  things
• 23:06
  a
• 23:07
  day,
• 23:07
  you
• 23:08
  know,
• 23:08
  so
• 23:08
  it's
• 23:08
  kind
• 23:08
  of
• 23:09
  one
• 23:09
  thing.
• 23:09
  It's
• 23:09
  like
• 23:09
  you
• 23:09
  don't
• 23:10
  have
• 23:10
  to
• 23:10
  do
• 23:10
  everything
• 23:11
  but
• 23:11
  just
• 23:12
  okay.
• 23:12
  Even
• 23:12
  if
• 23:12
  I'm
• 23:12
  in
• 23:13
  grief,
• 23:13
  I'll
• 23:13
  just
• 23:13
  do
• 23:14
  maybe
• 23:14
  like
• 23:14
  three
• 23:14
  things.
• 23:15
  And
• 23:16
  that's
• 23:16
  actually
• 23:16
  fine
• 23:17
  as
• 23:17
  well
• 23:17
  with
• 23:17
  my
• 23:17
  pain
• 23:18
  as
• 23:18
  a.
• 23:18
  Because
• 23:18
  yeah,
• 23:19
  as
• 23:19
  a
• 23:19
  chronic
• 23:19
  pain
• 23:19
  warrior,
• 23:21
  that's
• 23:21
  actually
• 23:21
  enough.
• 23:22
  I
• 23:23
  don't
• 23:23
  have
• 23:23
  to
• 23:23
  run
• 23:24
  the
• 23:24
  marathon
• 23:24
  and
• 23:24
  I
• 23:25
  cannot,
• 23:25
  you
• 23:25
  know,
• 23:26
  I
• 23:26
  just
• 23:26
  really
• 23:27
  need
• 23:27
  to.
• 23:28
  So
• 23:28
  that
• 23:28
  was
• 23:28
  really
• 23:29
  important.
• 23:29
  Like
• 23:30
  don't
• 23:30
  judge
• 23:30
  yourself.
• 23:31
  I
• 23:31
  would
• 23:31
  say
• 23:32
  for
• 23:33
  me,
• 23:33
  what
• 23:33
  really
• 23:34
  helped
• 23:34
  me
• 23:34
  as
• 23:34
  well
• 23:36
  was
• 23:38
  something
• 23:39
  because
• 23:39
  there's
• 23:40
  so
• 23:40
  much
• 23:43
  guilt
• 23:43
  in
• 23:44
  grief,
• 23:45
  you
• 23:46
  know.
• 23:46
  Yeah,
• 23:46
  we
• 23:46
  judge
• 23:47
  ourselves.
• 23:48
  That's
• 23:48
  one
• 23:49
  thing.
• 23:49
  But
• 23:49
  in
• 23:50
  that's
• 23:50
  all
• 23:50
  there's
• 23:50
  so
• 23:50
  much
• 23:51
  blame,
• 23:51
  shame
• 23:52
  and
• 23:52
  grief.
• 23:53
  I
• 23:55
  was
• 23:55
  living
• 23:56
  with
• 23:57
  grief,
• 23:58
  guilt
• 23:58
  and
• 23:59
  shame
• 23:59
  and
• 24:00
  blame
• 24:00
  for
• 24:01
  many
• 24:01
  years.
• 24:01
  And
• 24:01
  that
• 24:02
  was
• 24:02
  actually
• 24:02
  her,
• 24:03
  my
• 24:03
  psychologist
• 24:04
  who
• 24:04
  reminded
• 24:05
  me
• 24:05
  of
• 24:05
  this,
• 24:06
  that
• 24:06
  that's
• 24:06
  what
• 24:06
  is
• 24:07
  still
• 24:07
  in
• 24:07
  me.
• 24:08
  Because
• 24:08
  like
• 24:08
  I
• 24:08
  said,
• 24:09
  my
• 24:09
  mom
• 24:09
  died
• 24:09
  before
• 24:10
  and
• 24:12
  I'll
• 24:12
  get
• 24:12
  now
• 24:12
  a
• 24:12
  little
• 24:12
  bit
• 24:13
  to
• 24:13
  this
• 24:13
  story.
• 24:15
  I
• 24:15
  am
• 24:15
  originally
• 24:16
  from
• 24:16
  Slovakia
• 24:17
  and
• 24:19
  my
• 24:19
  mom
• 24:19
  lived
• 24:20
  in
• 24:20
  Slovakia
• 24:20
  and
• 24:20
  I
• 24:21
  moved
• 24:21
  to
• 24:21
  England
• 24:21
  20
• 24:22
  years
• 24:22
  ago.
• 24:22
  And
• 24:23
  when
• 24:23
  I
• 24:23
  moved
• 24:23
  to
• 24:23
  England
• 24:25
  I
• 24:26
  met
• 24:26
  my
• 24:26
  husband
• 24:27
  here.
• 24:27
  But
• 24:27
  as
• 24:28
  well,
• 24:28
  six
• 24:28
  months
• 24:28
  after
• 24:29
  or
• 24:29
  so
• 24:30
  but
• 24:30
  as
• 24:30
  well,
• 24:30
  my
• 24:31
  mom
• 24:31
  got
• 24:31
  ill
• 24:32
  then.
• 24:32
  Yeah,
• 24:33
  a
• 24:33
  year
• 24:33
  after.
• 24:33
  So.
• 24:35
  And
• 24:35
  I
• 24:36
  went
• 24:36
  home
• 24:36
  for
• 24:37
  the
• 24:37
  whole
• 24:37
  summer
• 24:37
  because
• 24:38
  she
• 24:38
  got
• 24:38
  cancer.
• 24:39
  I
• 24:40
  was
• 24:40
  diagnosed
• 24:40
  with
• 24:40
  cancer.
• 24:41
  So
• 24:41
  I
• 24:41
  came
• 24:41
  home
• 24:42
  and
• 24:42
  I
• 24:43
  stayed
• 24:43
  there
• 24:44
  for
• 24:44
  the
• 24:44
  whole
• 24:44
  summer.
• 24:45
  Then
• 24:45
  actually
• 24:46
  they
• 24:46
  were
• 24:46
  thinking
• 24:47
  she's
• 24:47
  getting
• 24:47
  better
• 24:47
  and
• 24:48
  kind
• 24:48
  of,
• 24:48
  yeah,
• 24:49
  I
• 24:49
  went
• 24:49
  back
• 24:50
  to
• 24:50
  England
• 24:51
  and
• 24:53
  I
• 24:53
  did
• 24:53
  find
• 24:53
  a
• 24:53
  job
• 24:54
  here.
• 24:54
  Luckily
• 24:55
  I
• 24:55
  did
• 24:55
  find
• 24:55
  things
• 24:56
  to
• 24:56
  go
• 24:56
  to
• 24:56
  job
• 24:56
  that
• 24:57
  allows
• 24:57
  me
• 24:57
  to
• 24:57
  go
• 24:58
  home
• 24:58
  every
• 24:58
  six
• 24:59
  weeks.
• 24:59
  So
• 25:00
  I
• 25:00
  spend
• 25:00
  every
• 25:00
  six
• 25:01
  weeks
• 25:01
  with
• 25:01
  her.
• 25:02
  And
• 25:02
  so.
• 25:04
  But
• 25:04
  unfortunately,
• 25:06
  four
• 25:06
  years
• 25:06
  after
• 25:07
  she
• 25:07
  got
• 25:07
  the
• 25:07
  first
• 25:08
  cancer,
• 25:08
  it
• 25:08
  returned.
• 25:10
  And
• 25:11
  I
• 25:12
  then
• 25:12
  was
• 25:13
  in
• 25:14
  university.
• 25:15
  I
• 25:15
  was
• 25:15
  in
• 25:16
  university.
• 25:16
  I
• 25:16
  was.
• 25:17
  I
• 25:17
  actually
• 25:19
  how
• 25:19
  we
• 25:19
  did
• 25:19
  find
• 25:20
  this
• 25:20
  terminal
• 25:21
  cancer
• 25:22
  was
• 25:22
  because
• 25:23
  I
• 25:23
  went
• 25:24
  home
• 25:24
  that
• 25:24
  for
• 25:24
  Christmas.
• 25:25
  That.
• 25:25
  Yeah,
• 25:25
  that
• 25:26
  Christmas.
• 25:27
  And
• 25:28
  a
• 25:28
  doctor
• 25:29
  I
• 25:29
  went.
• 25:29
  My
• 25:30
  mom
• 25:30
  was
• 25:30
  in
• 25:30
  hospital.
• 25:31
  So
• 25:31
  I
• 25:31
  went
• 25:32
  to
• 25:32
  see
• 25:32
  her
• 25:32
  in
• 25:32
  hospital
• 25:33
  and
• 25:33
  we
• 25:33
  were
• 25:33
  supposed
• 25:34
  to
• 25:34
  take
• 25:34
  that
• 25:34
  day
• 25:34
  home.
• 25:35
  But
• 25:36
  as
• 25:36
  I
• 25:36
  was
• 25:36
  them,
• 25:37
  my
• 25:37
  man
• 25:38
  said
• 25:38
  to
• 25:38
  me
• 25:40
  go
• 25:40
  to
• 25:40
  see
• 25:40
  the
• 25:40
  doctor
• 25:41
  and
• 25:41
  ask
• 25:41
  him
• 25:41
  like
• 25:42
  about.
• 25:42
  Yeah
• 25:42
  like
• 25:43
  what
• 25:43
  he
• 25:43
  thinks
• 25:44
  and
• 25:44
  what
• 25:44
  he's
• 25:44
  saying
• 25:45
  and
• 25:45
  stuff.
• 25:45
  Because
• 25:45
  she
• 25:45
  had
• 25:45
  an
• 25:45
  operation
• 25:46
  that
• 25:46
  was
• 25:46
  successful
• 25:47
  and
• 25:47
  her
• 25:47
  lungs.
• 25:48
  Cancer
• 25:49
  and
• 25:49
  lungs.
• 25:49
  But
• 25:49
  I
• 25:49
  just
• 25:49
  wanted
• 25:50
  to
• 25:50
  know
• 25:50
  more
• 25:50
  information.
• 25:51
  So.
• 25:51
  So
• 25:51
  I
• 25:52
  went
• 25:52
  to
• 25:52
  speak
• 25:52
  to
• 25:52
  Dr.
• 25:53
  And
• 25:54
  then
• 25:54
  I
• 25:54
  was
• 25:54
  in
• 25:54
  his
• 25:55
  office
• 25:55
  when
• 25:56
  he's
• 25:56
  just
• 25:56
  telling
• 25:56
  me
• 25:57
  and
• 25:58
  I
• 25:58
  have
• 25:58
  to
• 25:58
  speak
• 25:59
  to
• 25:59
  you,
• 25:59
  Ms.
• 25:59
  Parker.
• 26:00
  Like,
• 26:00
  unfortunately
• 26:01
  your
• 26:02
  mom
• 26:02
  got
• 26:02
  terminal
• 26:03
  cancer.
• 26:03
  I'm
• 26:03
  like,
• 26:04
  what?
• 26:04
  Like
• 26:04
  what
• 26:05
  is
• 26:05
  it
• 26:05
  even
• 26:05
  like
• 26:06
  me,
• 26:06
  like,
• 26:06
  tell
• 26:06
  me.
• 26:07
  Like
• 26:07
  I'm
• 26:08
  planning
• 26:08
  like
• 26:08
  they're
• 26:09
  planning
• 26:09
  wedding
• 26:09
  with
• 26:10
  my
• 26:10
  husband
• 26:10
  like
• 26:10
  in
• 26:10
  summer.
• 26:11
  Like
• 26:11
  is
• 26:12
  it
• 26:12
  like
• 26:12
  okay,
• 26:12
  my
• 26:12
  mom
• 26:13
  has
• 26:13
  like
• 26:13
  a
• 26:13
  year
• 26:13
  or
• 26:14
  what?
• 26:14
  I
• 26:14
  don't
• 26:14
  know,
• 26:14
  five
• 26:15
  years,
• 26:15
  two
• 26:15
  years.
• 26:16
  It's
• 26:16
  like
• 26:17
  I'm
• 26:18
  not
• 26:18
  sure
• 26:18
  if
• 26:18
  she
• 26:18
  be
• 26:19
  still
• 26:19
  like
• 26:19
  here.
• 26:20
  I'm
• 26:20
  like,
• 26:21
  no,
• 26:21
  no,
• 26:21
  she
• 26:21
  will
• 26:22
  be
• 26:22
  like,
• 26:22
  you
• 26:22
  know,
• 26:23
  and
• 26:23
  then
• 26:23
  be
• 26:23
  going
• 26:23
  back
• 26:24
  to
• 26:24
  this
• 26:24
  denial.
• 26:24
  Like,
• 26:24
  no,
• 26:25
  no,
• 26:25
  like
• 26:25
  she
• 26:26
  will
• 26:26
  be
• 26:26
  here.
• 26:26
  Like
• 26:26
  obviously
• 26:27
  she
• 26:27
  will
• 26:27
  be
• 26:27
  here,
• 26:28
  you
• 26:28
  know.
• 26:29
  And
• 26:29
  it's
• 26:29
  like,
• 26:30
  no,
• 26:30
  okay.
• 26:31
  I
• 26:31
  cannot
• 26:32
  even
• 26:32
  say
• 26:32
  to
• 26:32
  you
• 26:33
  how
• 26:33
  long
• 26:33
  she
• 26:33
  has
• 26:33
  got.
• 26:34
  But
• 26:34
  I
• 26:34
  know
• 26:34
  she's
• 26:34
  got
• 26:34
  10
• 26:34
  minute
• 26:35
  cancer.
• 26:35
  It
• 26:35
  doesn't
• 26:35
  look
• 26:36
  good.
• 26:36
  And
• 26:37
  I
• 26:37
  was
• 26:37
  like,
• 26:37
  okay,
• 26:37
  so
• 26:37
  how
• 26:38
  much
• 26:38
  money
• 26:38
  you
• 26:38
  want
• 26:38
  or
• 26:38
  what
• 26:39
  you
• 26:39
  need
• 26:39
  from
• 26:40
  me?
• 26:40
  I'll
• 26:40
  give
• 26:40
  you
• 26:40
  anything
• 26:41
  to
• 26:41
  save
• 26:41
  my
• 26:42
  mom,
• 26:42
  honestly.
• 26:43
  Because
• 26:43
  like
• 26:43
  there
• 26:44
  is
• 26:44
  nothing
• 26:45
  I
• 26:45
  can
• 26:45
  really
• 26:46
  do
• 26:46
  for
• 26:46
  your
• 26:46
  mom
• 26:47
  and
• 26:47
  there's
• 26:47
  nowhere
• 26:47
  in
• 26:48
  the
• 26:48
  world
• 26:48
  something
• 26:49
  that
• 26:49
  could
• 26:49
  actually
• 26:49
  save
• 26:50
  your
• 26:50
  mom's
• 26:50
  life.
• 26:51
  So
• 26:51
  I
• 26:51
  was
• 26:51
  like,
• 26:52
  honestly,
• 26:52
  that's
• 26:53
  not
• 26:53
  normal
• 26:53
  that
• 26:53
  you
• 26:54
  need
• 26:54
  to
• 26:54
  do
• 26:54
  something.
• 26:55
  But
• 26:55
  I
• 26:55
  started
• 26:56
  to
• 26:56
  cry
• 26:58
  in
• 26:59
  front
• 26:59
  of
• 26:59
  him.
• 26:59
  Now
• 27:00
  I'm
• 27:00
  all
• 27:00
  in
• 27:00
  tears
• 27:01
  and
• 27:01
  I'm
• 27:01
  supposed
• 27:01
  to
• 27:01
  go
• 27:01
  to
• 27:02
  see
• 27:02
  my
• 27:02
  mom
• 27:03
  and
• 27:03
  tell
• 27:03
  her
• 27:05
  how
• 27:05
  you
• 27:05
  know
• 27:06
  what
• 27:06
  the
• 27:06
  doctor
• 27:06
  told
• 27:07
  me,
• 27:07
  but
• 27:07
  I
• 27:07
  cannot
• 27:08
  tell
• 27:08
  her
• 27:08
  this.
• 27:10
  So
• 27:11
  he
• 27:11
  has
• 27:11
  got
• 27:11
  a
• 27:11
  sink
• 27:12
  in
• 27:12
  his
• 27:12
  office.
• 27:13
  I
• 27:13
  asked
• 27:13
  if
• 27:13
  I
• 27:13
  can
• 27:14
  wash
• 27:14
  my
• 27:14
  face
• 27:14
  and
• 27:15
  get
• 27:15
  a
• 27:15
  little
• 27:15
  bit
• 27:16
  more
• 27:16
  presentable
• 27:17
  coming
• 27:18
  to
• 27:18
  see
• 27:18
  my
• 27:18
  mom.
• 27:19
  And
• 27:20
  so
• 27:20
  I
• 27:20
  did
• 27:21
  so.
• 27:21
  And
• 27:21
  I
• 27:22
  was
• 27:22
  walking
• 27:22
  on
• 27:22
  the
• 27:23
  stairs
• 27:23
  up
• 27:23
  to
• 27:24
  your
• 27:24
  room.
• 27:24
  Found
• 27:25
  my
• 27:25
  husband
• 27:26
  in
• 27:26
  a
• 27:26
  corridor,
• 27:27
  broke
• 27:27
  into
• 27:27
  tears
• 27:28
  again.
• 27:28
  And
• 27:28
  then
• 27:28
  I,
• 27:29
  I
• 27:29
  told
• 27:29
  him
• 27:29
  everything
• 27:30
  and
• 27:30
  he
• 27:31
  was
• 27:31
  actually
• 27:31
  coming
• 27:31
  for
• 27:32
  Christmas,
• 27:32
  spending
• 27:32
  Christmas
• 27:33
  that
• 27:33
  then
• 27:33
  was
• 27:34
  still
• 27:34
  my
• 27:34
  boyfriend
• 27:36
  and
• 27:38
  he
• 27:38
  was
• 27:38
  coming
• 27:38
  here
• 27:39
  and
• 27:39
  get
• 27:39
  my
• 27:39
  mom
• 27:40
  from
• 27:40
  hospital
• 27:40
  and
• 27:40
  driving
• 27:41
  us
• 27:41
  home
• 27:42
  or.
• 27:43
  And
• 27:43
  I
• 27:43
  said
• 27:43
  to
• 27:43
  him,
• 27:43
  like,
• 27:44
  I
• 27:44
  don't
• 27:44
  know
• 27:44
  how
• 27:44
  I
• 27:44
  can
• 27:44
  now
• 27:45
  go
• 27:45
  to
• 27:45
  mom
• 27:46
  and
• 27:46
  speak
• 27:46
  to
• 27:46
  him.
• 27:47
  Speak
• 27:47
  to
• 27:47
  her,
• 27:48
  you
• 27:48
  know,
• 27:48
  my
• 27:48
  mom.
• 27:49
  And
• 27:49
  that's
• 27:49
  why
• 27:49
  I
• 27:49
  have
• 27:49
  junior
• 27:50
  Smiley
• 27:51
  my
• 27:51
  block.
• 27:51
  Because
• 27:51
  she
• 27:51
  called
• 27:52
  me
• 27:52
  Smiley
• 27:52
  because
• 27:52
  I
• 27:53
  Always
• 27:53
  smile.
• 27:53
  And
• 27:54
  I
• 27:54
  was
• 27:54
  like,
• 27:54
  I
• 27:54
  cannot
• 27:55
  go
• 27:55
  there.
• 27:56
  And
• 27:56
  she
• 27:57
  always
• 27:57
  said
• 27:57
  like,
• 27:58
  oh,
• 27:58
  when
• 27:58
  you
• 27:58
  come
• 27:58
  to
• 27:58
  hospital,
• 27:59
  it's
• 27:59
  like
• 27:59
  the
• 27:59
  sunshine
• 28:00
  would
• 28:00
  get
• 28:00
  me.
• 28:00
  You
• 28:01
  know,
• 28:01
  it's
• 28:01
  like
• 28:01
  you
• 28:01
  just
• 28:01
  bring
• 28:02
  smiles.
• 28:02
  And
• 28:02
  so.
• 28:02
  So
• 28:03
  yeah.
• 28:03
  And
• 28:03
  I
• 28:03
  was
• 28:03
  like,
• 28:04
  how
• 28:04
  am
• 28:04
  I
• 28:04
  supposed
• 28:05
  to
• 28:05
  now
• 28:05
  come?
• 28:06
  Like
• 28:06
  I
• 28:06
  cannot
• 28:07
  do
• 28:07
  this.
• 28:08
  So
• 28:09
  I
• 28:09
  was
• 28:09
  like,
• 28:09
  okay,
• 28:09
  I'm
• 28:10
  taking
• 28:10
  my
• 28:10
  deep
• 28:11
  breath
• 28:11
  and
• 28:11
  some
• 28:12
  and
• 28:12
  going
• 28:12
  down.
• 28:14
  And
• 28:15
  I
• 28:17
  did
• 28:19
  not
• 28:19
  tell
• 28:19
  my
• 28:20
  mom
• 28:20
  for
• 28:20
  the
• 28:21
  doctor
• 28:21
  said
• 28:21
  to
• 28:21
  me
• 28:22
  luckily
• 28:22
  she
• 28:22
  was
• 28:22
  kind
• 28:23
  of
• 28:23
  first
• 28:23
  like
• 28:23
  asleep,
• 28:24
  had
• 28:24
  enough
• 28:24
  and
• 28:25
  so
• 28:25
  but
• 28:26
  she
• 28:26
  knew
• 28:26
  I
• 28:26
  am
• 28:26
  dead.
• 28:27
  So
• 28:27
  she
• 28:27
  was
• 28:27
  like,
• 28:27
  oh,
• 28:28
  what
• 28:28
  A
• 28:28
  doctor
• 28:28
  said.
• 28:29
  And
• 28:29
  so
• 28:29
  when
• 28:29
  she
• 28:29
  got
• 28:29
  up
• 28:30
  and
• 28:30
  I
• 28:31
  was
• 28:31
  just
• 28:31
  like,
• 28:32
  did
• 28:33
  you
• 28:33
  had
• 28:33
  an
• 28:33
  amazing
• 28:34
  patient?
• 28:35
  That's
• 28:35
  what
• 28:35
  he
• 28:35
  said.
• 28:36
  Because
• 28:36
  that's
• 28:36
  what
• 28:36
  he
• 28:37
  kind
• 28:37
  of
• 28:37
  said
• 28:37
  as
• 28:37
  well
• 28:37
  to
• 28:37
  me.
• 28:38
  He
• 28:38
  said,
• 28:38
  I
• 28:38
  cannot.
• 28:39
  Right?
• 28:40
  She's
• 28:40
  such
• 28:40
  an
• 28:40
  amazing
• 28:41
  patient.
• 28:41
  She's
• 28:42
  full
• 28:42
  of
• 28:42
  positivity.
• 28:43
  She
• 28:43
  gives
• 28:43
  the
• 28:43
  encouragement
• 28:44
  to
• 28:44
  other
• 28:44
  people.
• 28:45
  They're
• 28:45
  coming
• 28:45
  to
• 28:45
  her,
• 28:46
  speak
• 28:46
  to
• 28:46
  her.
• 28:46
  And
• 28:47
  so
• 28:47
  she
• 28:47
  gives
• 28:47
  them
• 28:48
  like,
• 28:48
  you
• 28:48
  know,
• 28:48
  so
• 28:49
  I
• 28:49
  just
• 28:49
  said
• 28:49
  that
• 28:50
  you're
• 28:50
  an
• 28:50
  amazing
• 28:50
  patient.
• 28:51
  That's
• 28:51
  what
• 28:51
  he
• 28:52
  said.
• 28:52
  I
• 28:53
  was
• 28:53
  like,
• 28:53
  oh
• 28:53
  gosh,
• 28:53
  I
• 28:54
  just
• 28:54
  cannot.
• 28:55
  Please
• 28:56
  go
• 28:56
  to
• 28:56
  help
• 28:56
  me.
• 28:56
  I
• 28:56
  cannot.
• 28:57
  So
• 28:57
  that's.
• 28:58
  I
• 28:58
  said
• 28:59
  and
• 29:00
  you
• 29:00
  know,
• 29:00
  that
• 29:00
  was
• 29:00
  all
• 29:01
  I
• 29:01
  could
• 29:01
  say.
• 29:01
  And
• 29:02
  then
• 29:03
  yeah,
• 29:04
  from
• 29:04
  there
• 29:05
  I'm
• 29:05
  really.
• 29:07
  I.
• 29:08
  When
• 29:08
  my
• 29:09
  mom
• 29:09
  passed
• 29:09
  and
• 29:10
  away
• 29:11
  three
• 29:11
  months
• 29:11
  like.
• 29:11
  Like
• 29:12
  yeah,
• 29:12
  the
• 29:12
  Christmas
• 29:13
  happened
• 29:13
  and
• 29:13
  everything
• 29:14
  and
• 29:14
  I
• 29:14
  went
• 29:14
  back
• 29:14
  to
• 29:14
  England.
• 29:15
  My
• 29:15
  brother
• 29:16
  then
• 29:16
  stayed
• 29:16
  with
• 29:17
  my
• 29:17
  mom
• 29:17
  because
• 29:18
  we
• 29:18
  spoke
• 29:18
  together
• 29:19
  and
• 29:19
  I
• 29:19
  said,
• 29:19
  you
• 29:20
  know,
• 29:20
  that's
• 29:20
  what
• 29:20
  doctor
• 29:21
  said
• 29:21
  we
• 29:21
  cannot
• 29:21
  leave
• 29:21
  her
• 29:21
  alone.
• 29:22
  So
• 29:22
  I
• 29:22
  said
• 29:23
  I
• 29:23
  just
• 29:23
  need
• 29:23
  to
• 29:23
  go
• 29:23
  finish
• 29:24
  my
• 29:24
  university.
• 29:25
  But
• 29:25
  I
• 29:25
  mean
• 29:26
  I
• 29:26
  was
• 29:26
  a
• 29:26
  huge
• 29:26
  dilemma
• 29:27
  because
• 29:27
  it's
• 29:27
  my
• 29:28
  mom
• 29:28
  there
• 29:28
  and.
• 29:29
  But
• 29:29
  I'm
• 29:29
  still
• 29:29
  becoming
• 29:30
  every
• 29:30
  six.
• 29:31
  Every
• 29:31
  six
• 29:31
  weeks
• 29:31
  I'll
• 29:32
  be
• 29:32
  coming
• 29:32
  home.
• 29:33
  But
• 29:33
  yeah,
• 29:34
  just
• 29:34
  let
• 29:34
  me
• 29:34
  to
• 29:34
  do
• 29:34
  this
• 29:34
  until
• 29:35
  summer.
• 29:35
  And
• 29:36
  you
• 29:37
  know,
• 29:37
  I.
• 29:37
  I
• 29:37
  didn't
• 29:37
  really
• 29:38
  think
• 29:38
  my
• 29:38
  mom
• 29:38
  is
• 29:39
  going
• 29:39
  to
• 29:39
  pass
• 29:39
  away
• 29:40
  and
• 29:40
  the
• 29:40
  funeral
• 29:41
  will
• 29:41
  be
• 29:41
  on
• 29:41
  the
• 29:41
  1st
• 29:41
  of
• 29:42
  April.
• 29:42
  I
• 29:42
  really
• 29:43
  didn't
• 29:43
  think
• 29:43
  so
• 29:44
  I
• 29:44
  just
• 29:44
  said
• 29:44
  to
• 29:44
  my
• 29:44
  brother,
• 29:45
  just
• 29:45
  two
• 29:45
  whilst
• 29:45
  I.
• 29:46
  Because
• 29:46
  he
• 29:47
  had
• 29:47
  the
• 29:47
  ability
• 29:47
  to
• 29:47
  do
• 29:48
  this
• 29:48
  then.
• 29:48
  And
• 29:48
  I
• 29:49
  was
• 29:49
  like.
• 29:49
  And
• 29:49
  I
• 29:49
  just
• 29:50
  go
• 29:50
  to
• 29:50
  finish
• 29:50
  this,
• 29:50
  finish
• 29:51
  my
• 29:51
  work,
• 29:51
  finish
• 29:52
  everything
• 29:52
  in
• 29:52
  England
• 29:52
  and
• 29:53
  I'll
• 29:53
  come
• 29:53
  and
• 29:53
  I
• 29:53
  stay
• 29:54
  as
• 29:54
  long
• 29:54
  as
• 29:54
  needed.
• 29:55
  I
• 29:55
  don't
• 29:55
  need
• 29:55
  an.
• 29:56
  I
• 29:56
  don't
• 29:56
  care
• 29:57
  that
• 29:57
  anymore.
• 29:57
  I
• 29:58
  just
• 29:58
  need
• 29:58
  those
• 29:59
  few
• 29:59
  months
• 30:00
  I
• 30:00
  need.
• 30:04
  And
• 30:05
  so
• 30:05
  I
• 30:05
  was
• 30:05
  coming
• 30:06
  like
• 30:06
  you
• 30:06
  know,
• 30:06
  in
• 30:07
  February
• 30:07
  I
• 30:07
  was
• 30:07
  then
• 30:08
  I
• 30:08
  was
• 30:08
  so
• 30:08
  grateful
• 30:09
  that
• 30:09
  I
• 30:09
  saw
• 30:09
  her
• 30:09
  six
• 30:10
  weeks
• 30:10
  before
• 30:10
  she
• 30:10
  passed
• 30:11
  away
• 30:11
  because
• 30:11
  I
• 30:11
  didn't
• 30:12
  make
• 30:12
  it
• 30:13
  when
• 30:13
  she
• 30:13
  did
• 30:14
  pass
• 30:14
  away
• 30:14
  because
• 30:14
  I
• 30:15
  was
• 30:15
  in
• 30:15
  hospital
• 30:15
  waiting
• 30:16
  for
• 30:16
  my
• 30:16
  own
• 30:17
  operation.
• 30:18
  And
• 30:18
  so
• 30:18
  I
• 30:18
  was
• 30:19
  living
• 30:19
  the
• 30:20
  dead
• 30:20
  grave
• 30:21
  and
• 30:22
  guilt
• 30:23
  and
• 30:23
  shame
• 30:23
  and
• 30:24
  blame
• 30:24
  for
• 30:25
  so
• 30:25
  many
• 30:25
  years.
• 30:26
  Because,
• 30:26
  yeah,
• 30:27
  I
• 30:27
  supposed
• 30:27
  to
• 30:28
  have
• 30:28
  a
• 30:28
  dead
• 30:28
  day
• 30:29
  when
• 30:29
  she
• 30:30
  passed
• 30:30
  away.
• 30:30
  Unfortunately,
• 30:31
  I
• 30:31
  was
• 30:31
  supposed
• 30:32
  to
• 30:32
  have
• 30:32
  my
• 30:32
  own
• 30:33
  operation.
• 30:33
  I
• 30:33
  was
• 30:34
  in
• 30:34
  hospital.
• 30:36
  But
• 30:36
  when
• 30:36
  my
• 30:37
  brother
• 30:37
  sent
• 30:37
  me
• 30:37
  messages
• 30:38
  in
• 30:38
  common
• 30:39
  and
• 30:39
  I
• 30:39
  had
• 30:39
  a.
• 30:39
  Tickets
• 30:40
  to
• 30:40
  go
• 30:40
  home,
• 30:40
  that
• 30:41
  was
• 30:41
  Friday,
• 30:41
  and
• 30:41
  I
• 30:42
  had
• 30:42
  a
• 30:42
  ticket
• 30:42
  to
• 30:42
  go
• 30:43
  home
• 30:43
  on
• 30:43
  Sunday
• 30:44
  or
• 30:44
  Monday,
• 30:44
  something
• 30:45
  like
• 30:45
  this.
• 30:45
  So,
• 30:46
  yeah,
• 30:46
  three
• 30:46
  days
• 30:46
  later.
• 30:48
  And.
• 30:48
  But
• 30:48
  when
• 30:49
  I
• 30:49
  saw
• 30:49
  that
• 30:49
  message,
• 30:50
  I
• 30:50
  knew
• 30:50
  I
• 30:50
  need
• 30:51
  to
• 30:51
  go
• 30:51
  home
• 30:51
  that
• 30:51
  day.
• 30:52
  So
• 30:52
  I
• 30:52
  found
• 30:52
  my
• 30:53
  husband
• 30:53
  now,
• 30:53
  my
• 30:54
  husband
• 30:54
  that,
• 30:55
  you
• 30:55
  know,
• 30:55
  I
• 30:55
  need
• 30:55
  to
• 30:55
  go
• 30:55
  home.
• 30:56
  He
• 30:56
  got
• 30:56
  me
• 30:56
  the
• 30:56
  tickets,
• 30:57
  got
• 30:57
  the
• 30:57
  hospital.
• 30:58
  I
• 30:58
  said
• 30:58
  to
• 30:58
  nurses,
• 30:59
  I
• 30:59
  need
• 30:59
  to
• 30:59
  go,
• 30:59
  like
• 31:00
  now.
• 31:01
  And
• 31:01
  I
• 31:02
  packed
• 31:02
  my
• 31:03
  stuff
• 31:03
  then
• 31:03
  just
• 31:03
  for
• 31:03
  funeral,
• 31:04
  when
• 31:04
  I
• 31:04
  got
• 31:04
  home,
• 31:05
  packed
• 31:05
  my
• 31:05
  stuff
• 31:05
  and
• 31:06
  I
• 31:06
  was.
• 31:06
  We
• 31:06
  were
• 31:07
  on
• 31:07
  the
• 31:07
  way
• 31:07
  to
• 31:07
  hospital,
• 31:08
  on
• 31:08
  the
• 31:08
  way
• 31:09
  to
• 31:09
  the
• 31:09
  airport.
• 31:10
  We
• 31:10
  were
• 31:10
  at
• 31:11
  the
• 31:11
  airport,
• 31:11
  we
• 31:11
  had
• 31:12
  some
• 31:12
  time.
• 31:12
  So
• 31:12
  my
• 31:12
  husband
• 31:13
  went
• 31:13
  to
• 31:13
  get
• 31:13
  me
• 31:14
  some
• 31:14
  drink.
• 31:14
  And
• 31:15
  so
• 31:15
  I
• 31:15
  remember
• 31:15
  this.
• 31:16
  And
• 31:16
  then
• 31:16
  the
• 31:17
  dreadful
• 31:17
  call
• 31:17
  came.
• 31:18
  Yeah,
• 31:19
  that's
• 31:19
  always
• 31:20
  the
• 31:20
  worst
• 31:21
  from
• 31:21
  my
• 31:21
  auntie.
• 31:22
  And
• 31:22
  I
• 31:22
  saw
• 31:22
  that
• 31:23
  call
• 31:23
  on
• 31:23
  the
• 31:24
  phone
• 31:24
  and
• 31:24
  I
• 31:25
  was
• 31:25
  just
• 31:25
  like,
• 31:25
  please.
• 31:26
  Not.
• 31:26
  Please,
• 31:26
  God,
• 31:27
  no.
• 31:27
  Like,
• 31:28
  I
• 31:28
  don't
• 31:28
  want.
• 31:29
  Like,
• 31:30
  I
• 31:30
  don't
• 31:30
  want
• 31:30
  to
• 31:31
  hear
• 31:31
  this.
• 31:31
  I
• 31:31
  just
• 31:31
  want
• 31:32
  to
• 31:32
  hear
• 31:32
  something
• 31:32
  like,
• 31:32
  I
• 31:33
  don't
• 31:33
  know,
• 31:33
  maybe
• 31:33
  there's
• 31:34
  a
• 31:34
  miracle
• 31:34
  she
• 31:34
  won't
• 31:34
  get
• 31:35
  her
• 31:35
  from
• 31:35
  Comma.
• 31:35
  Or,
• 31:35
  I
• 31:35
  don't
• 31:36
  know,
• 31:36
  something
• 31:36
  that
• 31:37
  is
• 31:37
  okay.
• 31:38
  I
• 31:38
  just
• 31:39
  don't
• 31:39
  want
• 31:39
  to.
• 31:40
  Right.
• 31:40
  And
• 31:40
  I
• 31:41
  don't
• 31:41
  mean
• 31:41
  to.
• 31:41
  I
• 31:41
  don't
• 31:41
  want
• 31:41
  to
• 31:41
  cut
• 31:42
  you
• 31:42
  off.
• 31:42
  I
• 31:42
  know
• 31:42
  your
• 31:42
  time
• 31:43
  is
• 31:43
  very
• 31:43
  valuable.
• 31:44
  I
• 31:44
  know.
• 31:44
  I.
• 31:45
  I
• 31:45
  don't
• 31:45
  want
• 31:45
  to.
• 31:45
  I
• 31:45
  don't
• 31:46
  want
• 31:46
  to
• 31:46
  cut
• 31:46
  you
• 31:46
  off,
• 31:46
  but.
• 31:46
  Yeah,
• 31:47
  yeah,
• 31:47
  I
• 31:47
  mean,
• 31:49
  you've
• 31:49
  been
• 31:49
  through
• 31:49
  a
• 31:50
  lot.
• 31:50
  You've
• 31:50
  done
• 31:50
  a
• 31:51
  lot.
• 31:51
  You.
• 31:51
  You're
• 31:52
  working
• 31:52
  with
• 31:52
  people.
• 31:53
  I
• 31:53
  mean,
• 31:53
  that
• 31:53
  is
• 31:54
  amazing.
• 31:54
  And
• 31:55
  helping
• 31:55
  people
• 31:55
  kind
• 31:56
  of
• 31:56
  navigate
• 31:56
  that
• 31:57
  grief.
• 31:57
  And
• 31:57
  you
• 31:58
  do
• 31:58
  grief
• 31:58
  coaching
• 31:59
  and.
• 32:00
  Yeah,
• 32:01
  because
• 32:01
  it's.
• 32:02
  It's
• 32:02
  a
• 32:02
  lot.
• 32:02
  There's
• 32:03
  guilt,
• 32:03
  there's
• 32:03
  shame,
• 32:04
  I
• 32:04
  think.
• 32:04
  I
• 32:04
  love
• 32:04
  that
• 32:05
  you
• 32:05
  tell
• 32:05
  people,
• 32:06
  you
• 32:06
  know,
• 32:06
  don't
• 32:06
  beat
• 32:07
  yourself
• 32:07
  up.
• 32:07
  You're
• 32:07
  going
• 32:08
  to
• 32:08
  go
• 32:08
  through
• 32:08
  these
• 32:08
  stages,
• 32:09
  is
• 32:09
  100%
• 32:10
  natural.
• 32:11
  I
• 32:11
  love
• 32:11
  that
• 32:12
  you
• 32:12
  mentioned
• 32:13
  some
• 32:13
  things
• 32:13
  that
• 32:13
  you
• 32:13
  did
• 32:13
  to
• 32:14
  get
• 32:14
  over
• 32:14
  it.
• 32:14
  The
• 32:14
  EMDR
• 32:15
  therapy,
• 32:15
  that
• 32:16
  is
• 32:16
  amazing
• 32:17
  for
• 32:17
  ptsd.
• 32:18
  For
• 32:18
  those
• 32:19
  of
• 32:19
  you
• 32:19
  that
• 32:19
  have
• 32:19
  never
• 32:19
  experienced
• 32:20
  emdr,
• 32:21
  read
• 32:21
  about
• 32:22
  it,
• 32:22
  you
• 32:22
  know,
• 32:23
  try
• 32:23
  a
• 32:23
  session
• 32:24
  or.
• 32:24
  It's
• 32:24
  a
• 32:25
  good
• 32:25
  EMDR
• 32:25
  therapist
• 32:26
  will
• 32:27
  not
• 32:27
  do
• 32:27
  it
• 32:28
  in
• 32:28
  one
• 32:28
  session.
• 32:28
  You're
• 32:29
  going
• 32:29
  to
• 32:29
  have,
• 32:29
  you
• 32:29
  know,
• 32:29
  you're
• 32:30
  going
• 32:30
  to
• 32:30
  go
• 32:30
  through
• 32:30
  a
• 32:30
  process,
• 32:31
  but
• 32:31
  it's
• 32:32
  a
• 32:32
  great
• 32:32
  way
• 32:33
  to
• 32:34
  navigate
• 32:35
  that.
• 32:35
  Ptsd.
• 32:37
  PTSD
• 32:38
  is
• 32:38
  real
• 32:40
  grief.
• 32:40
  Is
• 32:40
  real.
• 32:40
  I
• 32:41
  mean
• 32:41
  these
• 32:41
  things
• 32:41
  are
• 32:42
  real.
• 32:42
  The
• 32:43
  good
• 32:43
  news
• 32:43
  is
• 32:44
  that
• 32:44
  you
• 32:44
  can
• 32:44
  get
• 32:44
  out
• 32:45
  on
• 32:45
  the
• 32:45
  other
• 32:45
  side.
• 32:46
  You
• 32:46
  can,
• 32:46
  you
• 32:47
  can
• 32:47
  get
• 32:47
  past.
• 32:48
  And
• 32:48
  I
• 32:48
  don't
• 32:48
  say
• 32:49
  you'll
• 32:49
  never
• 32:50
  forget,
• 32:51
  you'll
• 32:51
  never
• 32:51
  forget.
• 32:52
  But
• 32:53
  that's
• 32:54
  life
• 32:54
  isn't
• 32:54
  about
• 32:54
  just
• 32:55
  burying
• 32:55
  everything
• 32:55
  and
• 32:56
  forgetting.
• 32:56
  I
• 32:56
  mean
• 32:56
  we
• 32:56
  want
• 32:57
  to
• 32:57
  remember
• 32:57
  the
• 32:57
  people
• 32:58
  and
• 32:58
  honor
• 32:58
  the
• 32:58
  people.
• 32:59
  But
• 32:59
  it
• 32:59
  like
• 32:59
  you
• 32:59
  said
• 33:00
  in
• 33:00
  a
• 33:00
  good
• 33:00
  way
• 33:00
  and
• 33:00
  learn
• 33:01
  from
• 33:01
  it.
• 33:01
  So
• 33:02
  tell
• 33:02
  people
• 33:02
  how
• 33:03
  they
• 33:03
  can
• 33:03
  reach
• 33:03
  you
• 33:04
  if
• 33:04
  they
• 33:04
  want
• 33:05
  to
• 33:05
  work
• 33:05
  with
• 33:05
  you.
• 33:06
  Yeah.
• 33:07
  Can
• 33:07
  I
• 33:07
  just
• 33:07
  tell
• 33:08
  me
• 33:08
  add
• 33:08
  one
• 33:09
  more
• 33:09
  thing
• 33:09
  that
• 33:09
  helped
• 33:10
  me
• 33:10
  to
• 33:10
  previous
• 33:11
  question.
• 33:12
  Yes.
• 33:13
  As
• 33:13
  we
• 33:13
  were
• 33:13
  talking
• 33:13
  about
• 33:14
  shame
• 33:14
  and
• 33:14
  negative
• 33:14
  thoughts.
• 33:15
  One
• 33:15
  thing
• 33:16
  what
• 33:16
  actually
• 33:16
  did
• 33:16
  help
• 33:17
  me
• 33:17
  and
• 33:17
  I
• 33:18
  just
• 33:18
  want
• 33:18
  to
• 33:18
  say
• 33:18
  it
• 33:18
  because
• 33:19
  I
• 33:19
  did
• 33:20
  write
• 33:20
  about
• 33:20
  this
• 33:20
  in
• 33:20
  my
• 33:21
  book
• 33:21
  Rising
• 33:21
  about
• 33:22
  that
• 33:22
  I
• 33:22
  co
• 33:23
  authored
• 33:23
  and
• 33:23
  as
• 33:24
  well
• 33:24
  I
• 33:24
  have
• 33:24
  it
• 33:24
  on
• 33:24
  my
• 33:25
  blog
• 33:26
  Journey
• 33:26
  of
• 33:26
  Smiley.
• 33:26
  So
• 33:27
  I
• 33:27
  just
• 33:27
  in
• 33:27
  short
• 33:28
  I
• 33:28
  would
• 33:28
  say
• 33:29
  when
• 33:29
  you
• 33:29
  get
• 33:29
  this
• 33:30
  shame
• 33:30
  and
• 33:31
  negative
• 33:31
  thoughts
• 33:31
  and
• 33:31
  everything
• 33:32
  what
• 33:32
  helped
• 33:33
  me
• 33:33
  really
• 33:33
  was
• 33:33
  downward
• 33:34
  at
• 33:34
  all
• 33:34
  technique.
• 33:35
  So
• 33:35
  really
• 33:36
  deep
• 33:36
  down,
• 33:37
  dig
• 33:37
  deep
• 33:38
  down
• 33:38
  and
• 33:38
  you
• 33:38
  find
• 33:39
  the
• 33:39
  belief
• 33:39
  that
• 33:39
  you
• 33:40
  have
• 33:40
  and
• 33:41
  you
• 33:41
  work
• 33:42
  with
• 33:42
  this.
• 33:42
  You
• 33:42
  question
• 33:43
  your
• 33:43
  negative
• 33:44
  thoughts.
• 33:44
  You
• 33:45
  really,
• 33:46
  you
• 33:46
  know,
• 33:46
  don't
• 33:46
  just
• 33:46
  believe
• 33:47
  everything.
• 33:47
  Don't
• 33:48
  just
• 33:48
  your
• 33:49
  thoughts,
• 33:49
  your
• 33:49
  thoughts
• 33:49
  are
• 33:50
  not
• 33:50
  facts.
• 33:51
  So
• 33:51
  really
• 33:51
  just
• 33:52
  you
• 33:52
  know,
• 33:52
  question
• 33:53
  them
• 33:53
  and
• 33:53
  have
• 33:54
  evidence
• 33:54
  for
• 33:54
  it.
• 33:55
  Like
• 33:55
  you
• 33:56
  know,
• 33:56
  does
• 33:57
  it
• 33:57
  like
• 33:57
  when
• 33:58
  I
• 33:58
  did
• 33:58
  find
• 33:58
  out
• 33:59
  my
• 33:59
  my
• 33:59
  actually
• 34:00
  beliefs
• 34:01
  that
• 34:01
  went
• 34:01
  all
• 34:01
  the
• 34:01
  way
• 34:02
  to
• 34:02
  childhood
• 34:02
  because
• 34:02
  that's
• 34:03
  what
• 34:03
  normally
• 34:03
  happens.
• 34:04
  It
• 34:04
  goes
• 34:04
  down
• 34:04
  right.
• 34:06
  I
• 34:07
  just
• 34:07
  kind
• 34:07
  of
• 34:07
  really
• 34:07
  looked
• 34:08
  for
• 34:08
  the
• 34:08
  evidence.
• 34:08
  Is
• 34:09
  it
• 34:09
  really
• 34:09
  true
• 34:10
  what
• 34:10
  I'm
• 34:10
  thinking?
• 34:10
  Ask
• 34:11
  yourself
• 34:11
  always
• 34:12
  is
• 34:12
  it
• 34:12
  really
• 34:13
  true?
• 34:13
  What
• 34:13
  are
• 34:13
  you
• 34:14
  thinking?
• 34:14
  You
• 34:14
  know,
• 34:15
  is
• 34:15
  it
• 34:15
  and
• 34:16
  what
• 34:16
  is
• 34:16
  the
• 34:16
  evidence
• 34:17
  for
• 34:17
  it
• 34:17
  against
• 34:18
  it.
• 34:18
  And
• 34:18
  just
• 34:19
  really
• 34:19
  talk
• 34:20
  to
• 34:20
  yourself
• 34:20
  like
• 34:20
  your
• 34:20
  best
• 34:21
  friend
• 34:21
  and
• 34:22
  you
• 34:22
  can
• 34:22
  read
• 34:22
  more
• 34:23
  about
• 34:23
  this
• 34:23
  as
• 34:23
  I
• 34:23
  said
• 34:24
  on
• 34:24
  my
• 34:24
  blog
• 34:24
  and
• 34:24
  the
• 34:25
  book
• 34:25
  and
• 34:25
  it's.
• 34:26
  And
• 34:26
  the
• 34:26
  book
• 34:26
  is
• 34:26
  called
• 34:27
  Rising
• 34:27
  above
• 34:28
  and
• 34:28
  I'll
• 34:28
  put
• 34:28
  that
• 34:28
  in
• 34:28
  the
• 34:28
  show
• 34:29
  notes
• 34:29
  so
• 34:29
  people
• 34:29
  can
• 34:29
  grab
• 34:30
  that
• 34:30
  too.
• 34:30
  But
• 34:30
  I
• 34:31
  just
• 34:31
  wanted
• 34:31
  to
• 34:31
  know
• 34:31
  but
• 34:32
  yeah
• 34:32
  Taylor
• 34:32
  Cristian
• 34:33
  know
• 34:33
  where
• 34:33
  to
• 34:34
  kind
• 34:34
  of
• 34:34
  find
• 34:34
  me
• 34:34
  or
• 34:35
  so
• 34:35
  yeah
• 34:36
  on
• 34:36
  social
• 34:36
  media
• 34:37
  Journey
• 34:37
  of
• 34:37
  Smiley
• 34:38
  Instagram
• 34:39
  I
• 34:40
  am
• 34:40
  on
• 34:40
  Facebook
• 34:41
  Journey
• 34:41
  of
• 34:41
  Smiley
• 34:42
  and
• 34:42
  my
• 34:42
  website
• 34:43
  Journey
• 34:43
  of
• 34:43
  Smiley.
• 34:44
  They
• 34:44
  can
• 34:45
  find
• 34:45
  all
• 34:46
  those
• 34:46
  resources
• 34:47
  as
• 34:47
  well.
• 34:48
  And
• 34:48
  I
• 34:49
  as
• 34:49
  well
• 34:49
  did
• 34:49
  write
• 34:50
  a
• 34:50
  free
• 34:50
  resource
• 34:51
  7
• 34:51
  Keys
• 34:52
  to
• 34:52
  Self
• 34:52
  healing.
• 34:53
  They
• 34:53
  can
• 34:53
  find
• 34:53
  it
• 34:54
  as
• 34:54
  well.
• 34:55
  And
• 34:55
  I'm
• 34:55
  working
• 34:56
  out
• 34:56
  on
• 34:56
  my
• 34:56
  book
• 34:57
  I'm
• 34:57
  supposed
• 34:58
  to
• 34:58
  come
• 34:58
  hopefully
• 34:59
  it
• 34:59
  will
• 34:59
  come
• 35:00
  next
• 35:00
  year.
• 35:01
  Out
• 35:01
  is
• 35:01
  about
• 35:02
  this
• 35:02
  living
• 35:02
  losses
• 35:03
  we
• 35:03
  experience.
• 35:04
  And
• 35:04
  really
• 35:05
  you
• 35:05
  know
• 35:05
  how
• 35:06
  as
• 35:06
  I
• 35:06
  said
• 35:07
  you're
• 35:07
  grieving
• 35:08
  and
• 35:08
  you
• 35:08
  need
• 35:08
  to
• 35:09
  go
• 35:09
  through
• 35:09
  it
• 35:09
  and
• 35:09
  it
• 35:09
  will
• 35:10
  be
• 35:10
  all
• 35:10
  those
• 35:10
  things
• 35:11
  in
• 35:11
  it.
• 35:13
  So
• 35:13
  yeah.
• 35:14
  Yes.
• 35:15
  Well
• 35:15
  thank
• 35:15
  you
• 35:15
  so
• 35:16
  much.
• 35:16
  And
• 35:16
  I'm
• 35:16
  going
• 35:16
  to
• 35:16
  put
• 35:16
  all
• 35:16
  of
• 35:17
  those
• 35:17
  in
• 35:17
  the
• 35:17
  show
• 35:17
  notes
• 35:18
  for
• 35:18
  your
• 35:18
  free
• 35:18
  gift.
• 35:18
  I
• 35:19
  noticed
• 35:19
  you
• 35:19
  had
• 35:19
  a
• 35:19
  free
• 35:19
  gift
• 35:20
  in
• 35:20
  there,
• 35:20
  so
• 35:20
  we'll
• 35:21
  make
• 35:21
  sure
• 35:21
  all
• 35:21
  of
• 35:21
  that
• 35:22
  is
• 35:22
  in
• 35:22
  there.
• 35:22
  I
• 35:23
  thank
• 35:23
  you
• 35:23
  so
• 35:24
  much
• 35:24
  for
• 35:24
  coming
• 35:24
  on.
• 35:24
  Like
• 35:25
  I
• 35:25
  said,
• 35:25
  I
• 35:25
  want
• 35:25
  to
• 35:25
  be
• 35:25
  respectful
• 35:26
  of
• 35:26
  people's
• 35:26
  time.
• 35:26
  So
• 35:27
  I
• 35:27
  don't,
• 35:27
  I
• 35:27
  don't
• 35:27
  mean
• 35:28
  to
• 35:28
  cut
• 35:28
  you
• 35:28
  off,
• 35:28
  but
• 35:29
  thank
• 35:30
  you
• 35:30
  so
• 35:30
  much,
• 35:30
  Katie,
• 35:31
  for
• 35:31
  coming
• 35:31
  on
• 35:32
  and
• 35:32
  I
• 35:32
  appreciate
• 35:33
  you.
• 35:34
  I
• 35:34
  thank
• 35:34
  you.
• 35:35
  I
• 35:35
  thank
• 35:35
  you
• 35:35
  so
• 35:35
  much
• 35:35
  for
• 35:36
  having
• 35:36
  me.
• 35:36
  Thank
• 35:37
  you
• 35:37
  so
• 35:37
  much.
• 35:37
  You
• 35:38
  are
• 35:38
  very
• 35:38
  welcome.
• 35:38
  For
• 35:38
  everybody
• 35:39
  else
• 35:39
  out
• 35:39
  there
• 35:39
  listening,
• 35:40
  you
• 35:40
  heard
• 35:40
  a
• 35:40
  great
• 35:41
  story.
• 35:42
  Sad,
• 35:42
  touching.
• 35:44
  But
• 35:44
  she
• 35:44
  also
• 35:45
  gave
• 35:45
  some
• 35:45
  tips
• 35:45
  and
• 35:46
  tricks.
• 35:46
  So
• 35:46
  know
• 35:46
  that
• 35:47
  you're
• 35:47
  not
• 35:47
  alone
• 35:48
  if
• 35:48
  you're
• 35:48
  grieving.
• 35:49
  Grieving,
• 35:49
  like
• 35:50
  she
• 35:50
  said,
• 35:50
  does
• 35:50
  not
• 35:51
  have
• 35:51
  to
• 35:51
  be
• 35:52
  from
• 35:52
  the
• 35:52
  death
• 35:52
  of
• 35:52
  a
• 35:53
  loved
• 35:53
  one.
• 35:53
  That
• 35:53
  is
• 35:53
  not
• 35:53
  the
• 35:53
  only
• 35:54
  reason
• 35:54
  we
• 35:54
  grieve.
• 35:54
  There
• 35:55
  are
• 35:55
  many,
• 35:55
  many,
• 35:55
  many
• 35:56
  reasons
• 35:56
  we
• 35:56
  grieve,
• 35:57
  many
• 35:57
  living
• 35:57
  losses.
• 35:58
  There
• 35:58
  is
• 35:59
  anticipatory
• 36:00
  grief
• 36:00
  where
• 36:00
  you
• 36:01
  know
• 36:01
  something
• 36:01
  bad
• 36:01
  is
• 36:02
  going
• 36:02
  to
• 36:02
  happen.
• 36:02
  There
• 36:03
  is
• 36:03
  all
• 36:03
  kinds
• 36:04
  of
• 36:04
  grief.
• 36:04
  So
• 36:07
  reach
• 36:07
  out
• 36:07
  to
• 36:07
  her.
• 36:08
  Reach
• 36:08
  out
• 36:08
  to
• 36:08
  her
• 36:08
  and
• 36:09
  reach
• 36:09
  out
• 36:09
  to
• 36:10
  me.
• 36:10
  You
• 36:10
  know,
• 36:10
  if
• 36:10
  you
• 36:10
  just
• 36:11
  want
• 36:11
  to
• 36:11
  talk,
• 36:11
  whatever
• 36:11
  it
• 36:12
  is,
• 36:13
  grief
• 36:13
  is
• 36:13
  normal
• 36:14
  and
• 36:14
  it's
• 36:14
  absolutely
• 36:15
  nothing
• 36:15
  to
• 36:15
  be
• 36:15
  ashamed
• 36:16
  of.
• 36:16
  So
• 36:17
  bless
• 36:18
  you
• 36:18
  all,
• 36:18
  all
• 36:19
  have
• 36:19
  a
• 36:19
  good
• 36:19
  week
• 36:20
  and
• 36:20
  we
• 36:20
  will
• 36:20
  see
• 36:21
  you
• 36:21
  back
• 36:21
  very,
• 36:22
  very,
• 36:22
  very
• 36:22
  soon.
• 36:24
  Thank
• 36:24
  you,
• 36:24
  guys.