Latest / High Five Hot Mess Podcast / Do People Who Say NO...Live Longer?
Transcript
- High Five Hot Mess Podcast: So you guys, I have to tell you something. This week, I was scrolling Instagram like it was my full-time job, looking for all the answers in the universe, and I stumbled across kind of this crazy story about there was a study, 20 years of data, so it wasn't a small sample, that found that people who could act on their own terms and resist outside pressure had nearly a 20 % lower mortality risk. You guys, that's the difference between living to 60 and 80. That's a, especially when you're my age and you're older like we are, that's a lot, that matters. And of course it took me next to like the nun studies. Yes, it was nuns. So apparently researchers back in the 30s, you know, I think it was pre-TV, so what else were they gonna do, right? But they did this study and they tracked the lives of these nuns. And they learned that the nuns who showed the strongest sense of self, the nuns who didn't just go along with everything because they were told to, outlived the ones that did. I mean you guys that's crazy to me. So now I want you guys to think about the last time someone asked you to do something and you said yes even though you wanted to say no. Even though you were on empty, you were running on fumes and you did not want to do it was the last thing you wanted to do but you said yes. Was that last week? Was it this morning? Was it last night? Right? Like when was that? Because if you're someone who has a hard time saying no and says yes to every single favor, every single obligation, every single request, this episode might get a little uncomfortable for you. I don't have the answers, right? Like I'm not a guru. I have no idea. But I definitely think we need to ask the question. If you're someone who says no, do you live longer? And if you're someone who says yes all the time, are you shortening your lifespan? Like who knows, right? It's a great question though. And I definitely want to talk about it today. We're going to get our partner in here. We're going to get Lisa Smith in here and we are going to have a conversation about it. Hey, Lisa Smith. Hi, how are you? I'm so good. Hey everybody. Welcome to the high five hot mess podcast. I am Lisa Wilson and this is Lisa Smith. And if you are somebody who told your brand new neighbors that just moved in Tuesday, that you would help their grandmother who you've never met move this weekend so you can't come to brunch, this episode might be for you. ⁓ my gosh. Right? So Lisa, we've been talking, like I've been, you know, we've been back and forth a little bit this week on this topic of do people who say no live longer? And I know just because I've known you for 30 years, you are definitely someone who says yes. way more than I do. We talk about it all the time. Yeah. But do you think that people who say no might live longer? Yes. I mean, honestly, yes. I think that I could count on my hands, at least knowing a bunch of people who might might have been no, no people that have lived well into their later years and had a fulfilling life, setting boundaries. mean, really, at the end of the day, a lot of it is just setting boundaries and not doing things that you don't want to do. You know, ⁓ that is not my problem. That is not you. It is not me. am 100 percent a yes person on in an uncomfortable, sometimes unhealthy way. But yes. I an forgot to ask you because I was so excited to talk about it. How was your week been this week? Well, actually had well, yeah, I mean honestly, I had a good week. It's funny because, know, every week, like after last week's episode, I thought a lot about, ⁓ my gosh, what is my happiness treadmill and how what makes me happy? How can I fulfill like some of those needs? And what I did this week that absolutely made me happy was I organized myself before I went into the grocery store and I meal prepped. I did some meal prepping this week. It helped set me up for ⁓ just a really busy week. I knew I was having a busy week at work this week and so I'm not like grabbing the snacks or grabbing or not eating or whatever. So that's my high five this week because I haven't prioritized Millprepping planning it also, you know something that I know that I can Do to save money. So anyway helped you like maybe be in control. Yeah, that's it Yeah Yeah, I so what was your high five this week so my I'll talk about my high five in just a little bit but for it's kind of a high five but it's really like Like how was your week? I had a big week this week. I had a really big week this week. So As you guys know, ⁓ I was unemployed and my contract had ended. right when my contract ended, I graduated to a higher labor category, meaning you put in so many years of service plus your degree plus your master's, you should be making X dollars an hour, right? And my contract ended right as I graduated. And so as I found myself looking for a job, I was like, so Why am I not getting hired? Why can't I find something? And in all of my important rooms, so all of my people that I respect and admire, some mentors, some just friends, almost every single one of them was like, need to lower your labor category and make it more digestible, you know? And in the theme of like, I'm not afraid to say no, I said no, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna lower my labor category, especially when I look around right now. And I'm sorry you guys, but all these old white guys are making a quadrillion dollars for doing a lot less than I'm doing every single day and for the value that I deliver. I mean, it took me 19 years to graduate to that labor category. So I was like, no, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. Well, I got a call. I got hired. Really? Lisa, that's great. How did you keep that for me? I wanted to surprise you. That's fantastic. When you talk to the same person every day, you gotta say something for the pod, right? But I started this week and it is, you guys, it's one of those things that today I was sitting there as I'm like learning all these tasks that I'm gonna be doing. By the way, I'm really super excited about it and I think it's gonna be a really fun job and I'm gonna make the salary I took 19 years to earn, which is great. It's a short-term contract, but I'll take it. And today I'm sitting there and you and I have talked about this Lisa so I know this will be familiar. Okay. Some of this stuff, Lisa is hard. I was like, I don't know if I can do this. But then I'm like, ⁓ wait, this is why I'm making the big money. You gotta figure it out. They're gonna go all have a four-day weekend. I'm yeah working. Yeah, just yeah going through it I'm like, but this is what I get paid the big money for but yeah, it does fit into our theme of like Sometimes you guys you just gotta trust your gut and say no and that is really really hard Yeah, Lisa. Why do you think people feel so guilty about saying no? Well, honestly because of that you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. I'm here's here's Here's why I feel guilty if I say no. I don't want to let somebody down. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings like if they were counting on me or needed me for any reason. I think about all the times I've said yes when I everything in my body wanted to say no was because like I just felt obligated sometimes to be the good daughter, to be the big sister or whatever it was. And I'm not saying that there's anything in particular, ⁓ but I just think that to be the good friend, know, to... Anyway, I think it's because you don't wanna let somebody down, you don't wanna also feel guilty. I don't wanna feel those feelings of guilt either. I don't wanna disappoint somebody. So, know, I'm going to again, I don't want to work. We're of a certain age where we grew up in the 70s with parents who were both working full time. And we were never asked. It was you're going to do this. You're going to do that. Like, do you remember when we got our license? Like we could not wait to get our driver's licenses, but we got them because we had to get a job. Like that was it was never like, do you want to work? Do you want to do this? It was like, you will do this. You will do that. It is not. Yeah. And I think that it's, we weren't even asked. So saying no was not something we learned. Yeah, no, I had to, I, so funny story. I actually grew up on a farm and so I learned to drive at a really young age, like eight. And I was thrown into a truck to me and my little sister. to go and get him from, ⁓ get my dad from a field that was far away and he had no other way. He had to drop off a tractor. So he was like, I'll just throw my eight year olds in my truck and teacher literally for like two seconds how to do stick shift with my six year old sister. And he, couldn't reach the pedal. And I was like, I don't, can't reach, I'm not tall enough. He goes in and he gets a phone book, throws it on the ⁓ seat and he's like, okay, now do it. So I'm like, ⁓ I can barely reach with my toe. And right now I have a child going through driver's ed, know, doing all the things, learning all the things. But our relationship with driving is so different. Like I couldn't wait. Yeah, I needed a car because I needed to help my family. I needed to help my siblings and I couldn't wait to get my license so I could do that. My child is not that way at all. He wants his driver's license eventually, but he's in no rush. It's not a thing. ⁓ But yeah, to your point, we had we had to. We had we had stuff to do. Yeah. The point like if you had told your parents you weren't going to you didn't want to do it. or no, I'm not gonna drive this because I'm not of age. They would have made you do it anyway. Well, yeah, and like getting a job, getting a job wasn't an option. Like we had to pay for our own stuff, you know? So yeah, anyway, sorry. Yeah, no, no. Look, I get it, right? And I think that if you are someone out there that believes that you were never given a choice, you were never allowed to say no, or if you said no, it made you less likable. less loved, like we see you, right? Because that is something I think that is deeply ingrained in women as a people pleaser is that we're almost never allowed to say no, right? Because that just makes us unfriendly and unhelpful, right? And I think that that could be rough for all of us. I think it's more intense in the workplace, especially as you're building out your career. Yeah, you! But see, it goes back to also being the person, you know, like asking for the money that you want or asking for the position you want. Clearly, you've got to work for it. But I would always see a lot of men around me not having a problem doing that at all. At all. Just this is what I'm willing to take and you're going to pay me or I'm not taking it. And I just was I've never been that way. It's like, ⁓ we're you're going to do 500 other jobs, but we're only going to give you a baby snack raise when everybody else is making a trillion dollars around you. So trust me, it has not done me favors in the past. So hats off to you. I think that's fantastic. I'm very excited about it. So Lisa, mean, you've already said this, but let me ask you a question. Are you a yes person or a no person? And does your answer change depending on who's asking? Okay, so I'm definitely a yes person. ⁓ And... No. I mean, I don't think there's any... No. I mean, if my child asks for something, it's a yes. Like, my family is always a yes. Work is always a yes. Who's... Like, my friends. I mean, I don't... Have I ever said no? No. you? You always try, you always say, we'll make it work. Yeah. Even when I know that making it work is going to put you six feet under, you do make it work. That's why I try to give you a lot of grace when you say that. You do. you, you do, you do. I am definitely a no person. Okay. Let's hear about that. So, so the only person that I will negotiate with and not just end it, no. is done. So like, Doug is a very social creature. He's an extrovert. I'm very introverted. I could never leave my house again and be fine with it. My favorite person to hang out with is me. You know what I mean? So like, don't like I don't, I don't need that from other people. He does. So I have to if he wants to like last week, he was like, Do you want to go out? And I'm like, No, it's a Friday night. It's gonna take seven hours to get there because we live in the middle of nowhere. And he was like, But I really want to go to dinner. And I'm like, Alright, let's do it. He's the only person on the planet I would reconsider for. Or if one of my friends asked me for something and I say no and I could see that they're like, like they really needed it, I will reconsider, but not very often. Okay, so this next one is funny and I'm gonna see if you can remember this moment, but I'm gonna ask you first. Have you ever ghosted a commitment instead of just saying no? No. No, I don't know. At least I mean, do you think I have? Oh, because no, I honestly I honestly would feel guilty doing that because I would have to lie. Well, and I know that about you because yeah, So to me, no, we worked in retail right after 9 11. And you and I had a brand new boss who I could not stand that thought that we should come to work 24 seven because our store was making a dollar because everything, whole country was in a national shutdown. And and Lisa are changing mannequins trying to drive traffic. Like it was insanity at its highest level. And all of our people were so stressed out and so many people were calling out. So we were working doubles and triples, meaning We would come in at 5 a.m. and we would not go home until one or two and we'd be back at 5 a.m. the next day. Because again, we had all this external pressure from this person that was like, ⁓ I won't be here this weekend because I'm skiing in the Alps with my family. But make sure that we hit these numbers. Send me a text message at this time, this time. Like she was a monster. So I remember that there was a charity event happening for everybody who... ⁓ was having a hard time during September 11th. And our boss was like, if you guys go to this, you can take tomorrow off. And I was like, I am gonna go. Like, I will be there. What do I need to bring? I'm in. So then the next day, I don't do anything I said I was gonna do. And I come into work the following day and you're like, what was that charity event? Like, I don't know, I didn't go. And you were appalled. You were like. You need to tell her you did not go. I'm like, no, don't give a shit what she thinks. No, I just needed to day off without getting 800 phone calls a day from her. And I don't feel bad about it all. As a matter of fact, I took a picture of myself in an I Heart the Poor apron with champagne to like tease you about it because you were like, was dying. Well, and also What was so funny about that picture because I remember that picture and I need to find that picture because it's I'm gonna put it on instagram. I have it. I'll put it on instagram for you guys. Okay, I was so like I was mortified just mortified that like you had told her you did something and you did it you're like ⁓ well don't care don't don't care don't be trash and you won't get treated like trash That's yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I remember you were wearing a tiara too. think. Yeah. I sure was. Yep. What did you do all day? I'm like, I think I was drunk by noon and I slept the whole day. You're like, I worked 16 hours. I'm sorry. I do remember that. Has anyone ever called you selfish for saying no? I don't say no. You never. I mean, Lisa, that's not dude. I don't say no, okay, let me kind of backtrack a little bit. ⁓ So, there has been some commitments that I could have said an extra yes to, right? Like done extra, done more, and I've had to kind of pull back. ⁓ And I feel guilty and I feel selfish. Nobody's telling me. that I'm selfish for saying no, because I don't say no. I might just not do as much. And then I'm like, oh, but I could have done X, Y, And that's a problem. That's a me problem. Not anyone else's problem. That's a me problem. I don't think it's a problem. I just think it's how you operate. It's your operating manual, you know? Yeah, but it doesn't, it doesn't provide me. I always think about the people who are just like, yeah, that doesn't work for me. So I'm going to move. How would your life be if how would you how would it look if I could be like no I'm not gonna go do that I'm not gonna do that after work or I'm not gonna do that on the week or whatever Whatever it is. I'm not gonna help you move or I'm not gonna do this like What would it be like how much time I would have so much extra time you'd have so much time I think you'd be bored, but maybe that's what it is Maybe that's what it is to Lisa because I don't mind doing it See, that's the thing is I don't mind doing it. I actually find a lot of happiness from service and for from doing things for others. But sometimes I'm You're sometimes I'm A lot of times I'm But I mean, look, like if you guys are out there listening to us on Apple or you're watching us on YouTube, like. Let us know in the comments, like are you more like me where you're like, absolutely not. I'm not going to ruin my day off because I have to go help someone move. Or are you more likely, so it's like, do you want me to bring a U-Haul and a dolly or just U-Haul? Like which one of us are you more like, right? Because I'm dying to know because we just so you guys know, we don't get any demographics in any of our reporting. So I don't. know who's listening to us yet. So when you comment, it helps us kind of better understand who we're talking to. But I will say that this week I did learn that the internet has big opinions on people who say no. Like, get worked up if someone says no. So you watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and there's a- I watch all of them. Yeah. So walk me through the no ⁓ energy in Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Well, this this current season, this past season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, we've talked about it on other ⁓ episodes, but the reunion just, you know, like episode one ⁓ just happened. And it is it's intense. It's they're all intense. I think I think all of the reunions are pretty intense. But I think for for this one. ⁓ So if you don't watch, there is a person named Dorit and I like Dorit. I think she's great. I've always enjoyed her on, you know, on ⁓ in this franchise. And she is friends with a lady named Erica Jane. And they've been friends for quite some time. They're really good friends. And they've had a recent falling out. Now, Dorit's going through a lot. interpersonal life, going through a divorce, just a lot going on. And when you have an event like that, you can kind of act a little spicy and a little intense and things aren't the same. And what you're willing to accept, I think changes when you're in high stress, like fight or flight mode. Like what you're willing to accept just is like, actually, no, this isn't for me. Well, they all went on a trip to Italy. had a major falling out, right? Like big fight. ⁓ Neither one of them will apologize for having the opinions that they have. And I think that's why the internet is freaking out because they will not. will. Neither one of them will back down. But I think, you know, Dorit shouldn't have to apologize for having an opinion about being hurt about something. And Erica shouldn't have to apologize. for having her own opinion either. So why do we live in a culture that we're freaking out because two women said their piece, two women had like a difference of opinion and we think they have to just kiss and make up for better, you know, for lack of better word. I watch Bravo and I love Andy and I watch the reunion episodes sometimes, but I agree with you. And if they were men, would people be wigging out? they are very strong individuals and they are setting boundaries. They're setting boundaries and friendships. Like their friendship is changing and I think we all can say that's okay too. Like maybe they're in different spaces of their lives and it's okay. It's okay to just, it's okay to sometimes be a bitch because and be like no I'm not, I'm not gonna accept it. So anyway. No I think that's, I think that's really insightful because I think that a lot of times, like for me, if we look at conflict, you manage conflict. I stomp it into the ground and build on top of it. I don't resolve it. just stomp, stomp, stomp, hammer, hammer, hammer, concrete, and it never happened, right? And it's very different approaches for how you deal with conflict. I think your way is healthier than my way. And I carry a lot around with me because I have unresolved conflict, but I just have such zero tolerance after 30 years of leadership, means putting everyone before myself. I think I really started with the hard nose, like in my 40s, where I was like, I'm absolutely not gonna go help you clean your boat. I'm not gonna spend eight hours waxing your boat. And this is a true story. Waxing your boat so that I can get a free donut. You know what? I'm gonna go buy donuts, sit at home, eat them all by myself while you guys spend eight hours waxing a boat. And then that was the situation for me that somebody was like, you should feel bad about this because this is someone who matters. They're like the center of our friend circle. I'm like, this is also a multimillionaire that could hire someone to clean his boat. Yeah. Like, yeah, honestly, I just, so I think that there's definitely something there about like, what you're willing to put up with and what you're not. And mine is my wick is much shorter than yours. Like you are very patient and kind and you let people, like you manage your conflicts. Like you realize it's not the end of the world if you give up a weekend to go help someone move, right? Because they need it and they would do it for you and all of those other things where I'm like, I started no, because I know I just, don't have the bandwidth to do it, but I'm also not tolerant. of people who are rude, who are dismissive, who say something negative to me. Like I have no problem closing that door, sealing it shut. Like, like it is a disappointment room from the 1800s, letting them die in there and going on living my life like they never existed. And I think that that is probably why, you know, we're different in lots of ways, but that is a hundred percent why I have no problem saying no. And you're like, I feel like I need to be there for that person. But I did want to talk about my new favorite internet Instagram account. It's called at Ms. Emma Waltz and I'll put the link in the show notes. she is a very, like I think I met my new best friend. Stop! week, remember how you were like, you're skeptical of everyone. is out there. are! Everyone's a murderer. Everyone's gonna like kill you on a date. ⁓ yeah, everyone's stealing from you. Absolutely. Well, let me tell you the name of the story is crap. My cop dad taught me to keep me from getting trafficked and it's a three part series and she's like, she is all about if some guy walks up to your car and it's like, Hey, I need your help changing a tire. She's like, girl, he doesn't need your help. So like I met a cop when I lived in Portland for 2.5 seconds and he was super nice. And one of the things he said to me is like, what tips do you have? Because this was the first time I ever lived in a big city. And I was like, what tips do you have for me for staying safe? And he's like, never talk to strangers. Okay. Just don't. And I was like, okay. And he was like, I'm serious. It will save your life. And I was like, okay. So here I am, like walking from the store to my car. And a guy walks next to me and he's like a little old man. And he was like, hey, do you want to be friends? I'm like, absolutely fucking not. And I just kept walking and got in my car and locked the doors and it looked like I had hit him. Yeah, because he wasn't expecting it. Yeah, but listen. Why are you talking to a strange girl you don't know in a parking lot? But this is why women need to learn to be more comfortable saying no and not feel like you have to smile and be polite and be nice. If someone comes pounding on your window and they need help, you call 911. You don't get out of your car and go help them. If someone's like, hey, I need this or I need that, or hey, there's something in your trunk. 911, there's something in my trunk. Do not get out of your car. Yeah, this is not a rant about personal safety. This is really about like sometimes saying no could keep you alive. Yeah, that is true. That is true. Lisa. Okay, so here's me on Dateline. I'm just gonna do my Dateline interview. you know, Diane, Lisa had a really hard time saying no. So when this serial killer came up to her with a puppy and some flowers and was like, hey, I need you to help me put these in the back of my car. I absolutely think she got out of her car. I don't think I would do that, but I would be like How can we get like yeah, I mean I would I would be trying to like solve problems Yeah, I wouldn't say no yeah That's that's what happened and then with mine you can be like and she was just kind of a bitch Maybe that's why. Maybe that's why. But so I love that Instagram account. She has a three part series. I have to check it She is just, I just loved her so, so much. So one of the things that I was looking at after I read these studies and I really started wondering, do people really live longer because they say no? And I started paying attention. And people get weird when you say no. Like I'm used to it because I also don't drink. So people are already weird when I'm around. If they ask me if I want to drink and I'm like, no, they get really weird about it. So, you know, there's that. But there's also this thing about like, do you find yourself, if you can't do it, Lisa, for any reason, do you find yourself over explaining why you can't do it? Do you find yourself negotiating with a different time or place you could do it? ⁓ yeah, see that's it. My mind automatically went to, will try to figure out how I can move this around, cancel this, you know, like how I can figure it out or how I can do maybe some of it or be a part of it or something, you know, like I'm just so again, I think I just get so hung up on not disappointing people and yeah, but then I end up disappointing myself. I think a lot of times. Because I'll cancel the appointment I made three months ago when something comes up for someone else, right? Like I'll, and then I'll just be like, well, that gray is going to get real. We're not going to talk about that. I'm purposely trying not to dip my head because I have to get my hair done this weekend. And I know you guys are going to see some gray. mean, but. One thing that I really appreciate about you is that you, I know that you say you say no, but I think a lot of it is you set really clear boundaries. What you're willing to accept at work, ⁓ what you're willing to, like, and your time, your time is very valuable, very important. Your time at home is, your time with your husband is, and I really appreciate that because as much as I want to more time, more like me time or more like my household family time, I end up not prioritizing that. And I end up, then I end up getting mad at myself that all of a sudden I'm like not doing the things I want to do. anyway, anyway, it's a lot. like think of the nuns, Lisa. The nuns live longer. Right? And this is in a completely patriarchal, like this is an environment where they have to obey God and they have to obey the priest. Yeah. And then the head mother. So they spend their entire time doing stuff that other people are telling them to do in a system that is completely built for that. So for these nuns who were like, you know what, I'm not going to go pick those carrots because I don't want to. I'm going to go do this over here because I want to do that instead. They actually live longer and that to me is insane and the study, the 20 year study about people who said no lived longer. And I just was like, I think it blew my mind. Okay, question then. Do you think it's a question of saying no to doing things for other people or just something you don't want to do? Or is it trading off saying, I'm going to say no to this, but I'll accept doing this. Like, what do you think? Is it just like having choices? Maybe is it I? Think that it is a little bit more complex than that, but I think that yes I think it is about choices, and I think that I absolutely negotiate sometimes ⁓ If if it's something like like for example my friend was like hey I want to go see this band and I was like number one I'm 55 my days of going to see bands are long gone But what time does I'm going this weekend. very excited for you. But like, I was like, well, what time does it start? And because this is somebody that is not in town very much. Yeah. And I often like find that we're just sitting around a lot, you know, which is fine because we're both introverts. But she rarely expresses wanting to do something else. And I was like, she was like, it starts at nine. I'm like, I'm out. I just. There's no way I can do that. I will be tired and sick the whole next like it just no. said, but Doug will go with you if you want to go because you know, he likes to go out and he would be more than happy to go with her. And she was like later I was like, so are you going to go see that show while you're here this week? I don't want to go. That's late. So if I had said yes, we would have spent like 800 trillion dollars on tickets and both been stuck in a show we didn't want to go to. So I think it's about trading and negotiation, offering other potential solutions. But the guilt part is what is really, think the guilt and being women locks us into saying yes. I don't know if you guys agree with this. I'm not a doctor. I've just worked with women my entire life and like large groups of women. And I see very much often, very much often, I see often women putting themselves at a disadvantage because they felt like they couldn't say no for whatever reason. Yeah. And I think it's definitely worth it. I think the answer somewhere, somewhere, it depends on the situation, but it's somewhere on either side. Yeah. Well, I'm definitely the yes girl. And I, I, I, could learn a lot from the negotiation. tactic. didn't really think about that much. ⁓ I don't really negotiate. It's just I negotiate with myself, but I don't negotiate the situation, right? I negotiate what I'm willing to give up to make that work. ⁓ So that's a good point to take that away. Well, and then like even so my high five this week is that last week was my 29th wedding anniversary. Congratulations. I just get you guys. It feels like a second. Like it really does. And we were together for like 10 years before we got married. So like the last time I went on a date, I think I was probably 20 years old. That was with not not with my husband. So, you know, that's a lot of anniversaries and so like 39 years of anniversaries if you tack on the 10 before that. And so we both were kind of like, was like, what do want to do for, you know, our anniversary? And he was like, What do you want to do? I'm like, well, my favorite meal is breakfast. Like, why don't we just go to breakfast? And I literally, you guys, rolled out of bed, brushed my teeth, put on a change of clothes, brushed my hair. He put on a clean shirt. That's great. We went to the club and we had breakfast and we came back and we Netflixed and chilled like the I love that. And I asked him, like we didn't do anything Instagram worthy, like nothing. And I was like, I asked him at the end of the day and I asked him this a lot, but I asked him specifically, I was like, listen, was there something you wanted to do today that you didn't get to do because you're married to me? And he was like, no, this is exactly where I want to be. Like on this chair, you on that couch watching TV and he watches whatever I want. He's not like. Mr. I gotta watch sports all the time 24 seven. Yeah, very like he's really like the easiest life partner that I could have gotten and landed with. He's great. He is great. And like today he was helping us with sound. And I want to talk about that before we leave today. But like I think I think our love language is no. I mean, I really think that's where we like me in the middle on a lot of these things, because I was like, like I've asked him many times. I'm like, if I wasn't married to you, how do you think your life would be different? Because that's me fishing for what could I change? What could I do better at? Yeah, he's like Nothing, I wouldn't change anything. I'd be right here. I would just be by myself But yeah, but think about it Lisa if you're a yes person in a relationship you're trying to please others yeah, constantly and It could maybe not ever be reciprocated. So I'm glad you guys have a no love language because you guys have boundaries for each other. But then you know where you know where you guys, you know, meet in the middle. Yeah. And I love that you did that. I love that you did that. And I love the two of you. I can't believe it's been 29 years. 29 years. So I remember your beautiful wedding. Beautiful wedding. It was fun. Listen, when going back to our question, do you, if you say no, do you live longer? What do you think? What do think the answer is? So I would say my answer is yes. I would say that if you're not taking, if you are only taking care of others and not yourself, meaning putting everyone else before you a lot of times, you will start to break down. I don't think that it, I think service is good, but I don't think not having clear set ⁓ boundaries for yourself and you know, care ⁓ is healthy. don't, and guilt is, guilt is not healthy. That is the lowest, guilt and fear is the lowest vibration you can have and carry around with you. So, so yeah, no, I would say, I would say, yeah, if you say no, you would live longer. That's what I, that's my vote. Nice. So, and I, of course, you know, I'm happy to hear that. ⁓ but you know, I feel like I think the answer is never in the extremes. guys, think if you're someone who always says yes, you need to question why you always say yes. Like, is it trauma based? Is it, you never had a choice? Is it cause you're a woman surrounded by predominantly. very opinionated males? Is it because you're afraid you're gonna lose something if you say no? Or like me, I actually asked my psychiatrist if I was a sociopath because I no guilt. Never. mean, that's a true story. was like, am I a sociopath? Because I could give a shit. And she was like, no, I think it's sort of like, I don't think you're a sociopath and here's why. But we need to think a little bit about how you can express your empathy. was like, yeah, that's true. All right, so listeners, here's our question for you this week. Now listen, on Instagram, you guys, is how we want to hear your answers. If you don't want to put your answer out for everyone in the world to see, just DM it to us, just so we can only see it, because we definitely want to hear from you. But when was the most recent thing that you said yes to that in your gut, it kind of sank because you knew you should have said no? Like, did you say yes to a date? And you're like, ew, why did I do that? Or did you say, yes, I'll work this weekend? When you were like, I don't want to work this week. I'm excited to work this weekend because I want to do my project. like, so you guys, we're going to wrap the episode up, but please make sure that you drink your water, roll your shoulders back, unclench your jaw, and high five somebody. Bye guys. Thanks so much. Have a week. Bye.