Latest / Rooted & Real With Keenan / When You Shut Down: Stonewalling and the Art of Coming Back
Transcript
- Keenan: Life has been really busy with us the last few days. So if y'all could be praying, that would be great. Some things really exciting, some things not so much. so some prayer would be really good. So we're going through our series on the four horsemen of the apocalypse of relationships by the Gottmans. And so the last horse is stonewalling. This is when you shut down. Or flooding. or finding like So th the goal today is to wrap up our time together with the Gottman Four Horsemen of Relationships. we've talked about criticism and contempt and we talked about defensiveness, and today we're gonna talk about the fourth horseman, which is stonewalling. Stonewalling is one of those relationship patterns that can be really confusing because from the outside it can look like someone simply just doesn't care. One person is trying to talk when the other one goes quiet. And maybe there's no eye contact either. And maybe one word answers. And maybe someone starts looking at their phone or walks into another room or walks away or turns on the TV or they start cleaning and suddenly finds something else that seems more important than the conversation they're trying to have with their spouse. The person trying to communicate all this, maybe thinking and asking themselves, are they even listening to me? Do they care at all about this? Why am I the only one fighting for this relationship? Because but stonewalling is often more complicated than simply not caring. Sometimes the person who shuts down is experiencing the exact opposite. Their nervous system could be overloaded and the conversation could feel too intense. The person does not know what to say. Simply at a loss for words. Thoughts are moving too quickly, the heart may be racing, muscles are tightening. And that person might feel trapped. And internally, the message might not be, I don't care. It may actually be, I can't handle any more of this right now. And that distinction matters because if we misunderstood what is happening, couples can accidentally create a cycle that makes the problem worse. One person pursues harder because connection feels threatened. The other withdraws more because the intensity feels so overwhelming. Then pursuing partner thinks this. See? You don't really care. And the withdrawing partner thinks this. See, nothing ever nothing I ever do is enough. But both people feel misunderstood. And neither person feels safe. That is where stonewalling can become incredibly destructive. So, what is stonewalling? We've heard this before. Stonewalling happens when someone withdraws from an interaction and stops meaningful participation in the conversation. This can be verbal, it can be behavioral, but someone might stop talking. Someone might avoid eye contact. And someone might repeatedly say, I don't know, I don't know. Whatever. Fine. I'm done. Someone might leave the room without communicating when or whether the conversation will continue. Someone may physically remain in the room, but emotionally disappear. Sometimes stonewalling is really obvious. Other times it's just subtle enough. You can technically stay in a conversation while completely checking out. And here is the important distinction. Stonewalling is not the same thing as calmly choosing to take a healthy break. Those are two different things. Stonewalling says, I'm done with you. A healthy break says, I care enough about this conversation to recognize that I cannot have it productive right now. One shuts the door, the other pauses the conversation with the intention of reopening. The difference is huge. It can save an argument. So, why do people do this then? if it's just going to be bad. So, one of the major reasons people stonewall is something called physiological flooding. Flooding happens when emotional arousal becomes so strong that the nervous system shifts into survival mode. You may have heard of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Relationship conflict can activate those symptoms, those systems. For one partner, flooding may look like yelling. For another person, flooding may flooding may look like shutting down. That person may physically feel a racing heart, heat on face, heat in the face, tightness in the chest, shallow breathing, tense jaw, restlessness, a desire to escape, or the strange feeling that the mind has suddenly gone completely blank. When someone reaches that level of activation. Productive communication because significantly, significantly more difficult. Listening can become harder. Empathy becomes harder. Problem solving becomes harder. Remembering exactly what the other person just said becomes way harder. And sometimes a person will say something like, I don't know why I shut down. My brain just stops working. There may actually be some truth to that description. The nervous system is prioritizing survival rather than thoughtful relational repair. So here's a common pattern. Imagine this: a couple begins talking about money. The other says, We really need to talk about how much we've been spending. The other partner immediately feels criticized. The first partner keeps up keeps right on talking. You never pay attention to the budget. You now defensiveness shows up. I do pay attention. You're the one who keeps buying things. The conversation escalates. Voices get louder. One person begins listening examples of the last six months. The other person starts feeling overwhelmed. Eventually that partner stops talking. There's no eye contact. Then the answer becomes fine. Okay. Whatever you say. Now the first partner becomes even more upset. Why do you always shut down while we talk about something important? Silence. Can you please answer me? More silence. You don't even care. Now we have a complete cycle. Criticism led to defensiveness. Defensiveness escalated the conflict. The conflict created Flooding. Flooding led to stonewalling. And stonewalling caused the other partner to pursue harder. Nobody necessarily woke up that morning intending to hurt their spouse, but the pattern took over. And that's why understanding patterns matter. That's what I do. Sometimes the enemy of relationships is neither person. Sometimes the enemy is a cycle, the couple keeps getting trapped inside. The difference between stonewalling and talking space is probably the most important distinction in today's episode. There's a healthy way to step away from conflict, and then there's an unhealthy way. The unhealthy version sounds like, I'm done. This conversation is stupid. Leave me the F alone. Or someone simply walks away and refuses to say anything. The other person does not know: are we coming back to this? Are we okay? This relationship okay? Am I being punished? Do you even care? Healthy space sounds different. It might sound like I want to finish this conversation, but I'm getting overwhelmed. I need about 30 minutes to calm down. I need to take a break. I'm not leaving the issue. I just need some time so I don't say something I'll regret. Can we come back at this at like 8 p.m. or 8, 8 o'clock? 30 minutes? Set a time. The last part is so important. Come back. A timeout without a return plan can feel like abandonment. A timeout without a return plan creates emotional safety. You're communicating this. The conversation matters, you matter, and I want to show up when we continue. So, what should you do during this break time? This is another place where sometimes couples can make mistakes. If you take a break from a difficult conversation and spend the next 30 minutes mentally rehearsing everything your partner did wrong, your body can't actually calm down. You have physically left the argument while emotionally continuing it. The goal is to break of the break is self-soothing. That might mean taking a walk, slow breathing, doing breath work, listening to music, sitting quietly, stretching, praying, drinking water, going outside. Getting some sunlight, practicing grounding, or doing something that gives the nervous system a chance to settle down. What probably will not help is spending the entire break preparing your closing arguments. If the thought running through your head is, when I get back in there, I'm gonna prove I'm right. You're probably not ready to return yet. And the purpose of the break is not to win. The purpose is to become regulated enough to reconnect. So a simple regulation exercise. Here's something listeners can practice. If you're listening to this, do this right now. Place both feet on the floor, relax your shoulders, unclench jaw, take a slow breath in, in your nose, in a slow breath out. Then ask yourself, what's happening inside me right now? Not What is wrong with my spouse? Not how do I prove my point? Ask this. What is happening inside of me? Maybe the answer is I feel attacked. I feel embarrassed. I feel like I'm failing. I feel scared. I feel disrespected. I feel overwhelmed. excuse me. I don't know how to fix this. Sometimes anger is the emotion we show while fear, shame, hurt, or helplessness is underneath it. Recognizing that can completely change how you return to the conversation. Instead of saying you're impossible to talk to, you might return and say, When we start talking about money, I immediately felt like I was failing it. I got overwhelmed and shut down. That is an entirely different conversation. Christian integration. So there's a verse that fits into this conversation pretty good. It's James 1:19. It says this: it tells us. To be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Notice what that verse does not say. It does not say never feel angry. It does not say good Christians never get overwhelmed. It does not say if you love Jesus enough, conflict disappears. Scripture Repeatedly acknowledges that human beings experience strong emotion. The question is what we do with that emotion. Being slow to speak does not mean giving someone the silent treatment. Being slow to speak means creating enough space between emotion and response that wisdom has room to show up. Sometimes one of the most loving things you can say in an argument is: I need a minute. But Christian maturity also means coming back. Reconciliation requires re-engagement. We cannot use silence as punishment and call it peace. We cannot avoid difficult conversations forever and call it patience. We cannot emotionally disappear from relationships and call it self-control. Biblical peace is not pretending problems do not exist. Peace involves pursuing restoration. Ephesians 4 also speaks about anger without allowing anger to become destructive. There is room for emotion. There is also responsibility for how we handle that emotion. So maybe the question is not, should I be angry? Maybe the better question is. How do I remain loving when I'm angry? How do I communicate when my body wants to run? How do I protect my spouse from words I may regret without emotionally abandoning the relationship? That is where emotional regulation and spiritual maturity can meet. So the timeout agreement. I mentioned this earlier. here's something I often teach couples to do. and Do this before the next argument happens. Create a timeout agreement. Don't wait until you're furious or you're mad or yelling at each other. Talk about this when things are calm. Agree on a phrase that either person can use when feeling overwhelmed. Maybe it's I'm getting flooded. I need a reset. I need 30 minutes. I want to keep talking, but I need a break. Something simple. Then agree on three things. First, how will we communicate that the relationship is still safe? For example, I love you. I'm not leaving. I just need to calm down. Second, approximately how much time will we take? Maybe 20 minutes, maybe 30 minutes, maybe an hour, third. When will we resume the conversation and be specific, not later? Try this. We'll talk again at 8:30. That's it. Specificity reduces anxiety. What if your partner is the stonewaller? If your partner shuts down pursuing harder, may feel natural. You want reassurance, you want answers, you want resolution, but repeatedly demanding an immediate response from someone who is flooded often increases withdrawal. That does not mean your needs do not matter. It means timing matters. You might say, I can see this conversation becoming overwhelming. I am okay taking a break, but I need us to come back to it. That statement respects both sides, both people. One person's need for regulation does not erase the other person's need for resolution. Healthy relationships make room for both. So what if you're the stonewaller? What if you're listening to this and you recognize you're the stonewaller in this episode? The goal is not here to shame you. We don't want to shame you. The goal is just to be aware. You may have learned somewhere in life that conflict is dangerous. Maybe growing up, arguments became explosive. Maybe silence was safer. Maybe expressing emotions made things worse. Nobody taught you how to stay present during a disagreement. Shutting down may have once protected you, but a coping strategy that protected you in one environment may create distance in another. That's an important question to ask yourself. Is the thing that once protected me now hurting the relationship I'm trying to protect? You do not have to suddenly become someone who loves confrontation. You simply need to learn how to stay connected while regulating yourself. The Four Horsemen. Review. As we close this series, let's review where we've been. The first horseman in criticism is criticism. Criticism attacks someone's character instead of I felt hurt when you forgot to call. Criticism says you never think about anybody but yourself. The antidote is a gentle startup. Talk about the problem without attacking the person. The second horseman is contempt. Contempt communicates disrespect, disgust, mockery, or superiority. The antidote is building a culture of appreciation and respect. The third horseman is defensiveness. Defensiveness focuses entirely on proving innocence rather than understanding impact. The antidote is taking responsibility for whatever part of the situation genuinely belongs to you. And finally, stonewalling. Stonewalling withdrawals from connection. The antidote is physiological self soothing, followed by the intentional reengagement. So think about this progression. Instead of criticism, practice gentleness. Instead of contempt, practice appreciation. Instead of defensiveness, practice responsibility. Instead of stonewalling, practice regulation and reconnection. That does not create a conflict free marriage. No such thing. Healthy couples disagree. Healthy couples still get irritated. Healthy couples still misunderstand each other. And healthy couples sometimes hurt each other's feelings. This goal is not perfection. The goal is repair. So before we finish, I want you to think about your own conflict style. when tension rises, what do you do? Do you attack? Do you criticize? Do you become sarcastic? Do you defend yourself? Do you shut down? Do you believe? Do you pursue? Do you demand immediate resolution? And then ask yourself one more question. What happens inside of me right before I do that? That moment matters because change often happens before the behavior. There's usually a thought, a sensation, a fear. Interpretation, something happens internally before the words come out or before the silence begins. Learning to recognize that moment gives you options. You can interpret the pattern. Maybe you say, I'm getting defensive. Maybe you say I'm starting to shut down. Maybe you say, I need a break, but I promise I'll come back. Those sound like really small statements, but small statements can change entire relationship patterns. So, in closing, relationships do not usually break down because two people occasionally have a conflict. Relationships struggle when destructive patterns become normal and repair stops happening. So if you have recognized criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in yourself during this series, do not just label yourself. Practice the antidote. Practice something different. Replace criticism with gentleness. Replace contempt with respect. Replace defensiveness with responsibility. Replace stonewalling with self-soothing and reconnection. And remember Winning the argument and protecting the relationship are not always the same thing. Sometimes strength looks like speaking. Sometimes strength looks like listening. Sometimes strength looks like apologizing. And sometimes strength looks like saying, I need 30 minutes, but I'm coming back. Thank you all so much for spending this time with me on Rooted and Real. If this episode made you think of someone, share it with them. If you've been following the Four Horsemen series, go back and listen to the previous episodes and ask yourself which pattern tends to show up the most often in your relationships. And remember this: healthy relationships are not built by people who never make mistakes. They're built by people who keep learning how to repair. I'll see you next time on Root and Real. Thank you for listening. If this episode meant something to you, share it with somebody. Share it with a friend. If you need counseling, reach out. Send me a message. Send me an email. I'll put my psychology today in the description. Have a great day.