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Four Stoic Steps to Reduce Your Struggle · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

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  Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, welcome to you this week's Mojo Monday. When
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  Speaker 1: we struggle, whether it's the daily struggles or whether it's
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  Speaker 1: the big stuff, a lot of the time it isn't
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  Speaker 1: about what actually happens to us. Much of our struggles
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  Speaker 1: or suffering comes from the internal argument that we have
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  Speaker 1: with ourselves about what's happened, and stoic philosophy is really
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  Speaker 1: useful to turn to when we're struggling, and Epictetis's teaching
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  Speaker 1: is a really good place to start. Before you react
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  Speaker 1: to anything, ask one question, is this within my control
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  Speaker 1: or is it not? And it's best just to have
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  Speaker 1: a really straightforward yes or no. So if the answer
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  Speaker 1: is no, you can approach it like the weather, So
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  Speaker 1: you don't spend your energy trying to change the weather.
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  Speaker 1: You work with the weather, not against it. No point
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  Speaker 1: trying to control something that can't be controlled. And that's
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  Speaker 1: a really effective first step, but it requires real intention.
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  Speaker 1: We tend to spend time denying and struggling with reality
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  Speaker 1: because we don't like it and we'd like things to
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  Speaker 1: be different, and that applies to the external situation that's
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  Speaker 1: going on as much as our internal automatic reaction to it.
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  Speaker 1: So the emotions automatically come up and the thoughts that
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  Speaker 1: automatically come up. So for example, the slow driver in
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  Speaker 1: front of us doesn't suddenly start driving at the speed
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  Speaker 1: limit because of our frustration because we don't like the
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  Speaker 1: fact that they're driving slow. Or the outcome of a
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  Speaker 1: situation doesn't change because we refuse to accept it, you know,
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  Speaker 1: like maybe a mark on our kids' assessments or tests.
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  Speaker 1: But our mind will argue any way, because arguing can
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  Speaker 1: feel like we're doing something even when it isn't, and
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  Speaker 1: it's almost like trying to get somewhere by running on
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  Speaker 1: a treadmill. So once you're clear on what's actually within
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  Speaker 1: your control, the second step is deciding where your attention goes,
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  Speaker 1: so intentionally direct it away from the things that you
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  Speaker 1: can't control and towards how you're going to respond. So
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  Speaker 1: your effort, your behavior, what you say, what you do,
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  Speaker 1: your response to your automatic thoughts. And that doesn't mean
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  Speaker 1: it's not hard. It's really difficult, but it's a redirection
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  Speaker 1: of attention because we know that attention will take you
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  Speaker 1: down a certain path, and you want to make sure
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  Speaker 1: it's the one that's going to take you somewhere. And
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  Speaker 1: then The third step is a pivot, and it's what
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  Speaker 1: leads acceptance sort of accepting the situation into action mode.
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  Speaker 1: So once you've accepted the reality of a situation doesn't
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  Speaker 1: mean you don't like it, and you've worked out what
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  Speaker 1: you can and cannot control, ask what is the most
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  Speaker 1: useful thing that you can do right now, even if
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  Speaker 1: you don't feel ready. So the word useful is really
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  Speaker 1: important here because you don't want to talk yourself into
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  Speaker 1: distracting yourself. So you first accept and then you act intentionally.
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  Speaker 1: And then the fourth step is around perspective. And I
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  Speaker 1: really love this stoic exercise because it can genuinely help
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  Speaker 1: ease the struggle. So what you do is you zoom out.
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  Speaker 1: You picture the situation from a distance, like you're looking
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  Speaker 1: down at yourself from the moon. You get as far
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  Speaker 1: back to see the situation as clearly as possible and
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  Speaker 1: enough to know what to do, so rather than reacting
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  Speaker 1: to it when it's so close and it's kind of
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  Speaker 1: cloud your judgment, you've zoomed back so you can see
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  Speaker 1: a lot clearer and you can even imagine yourself, like
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  Speaker 1: two years from now, what do you want to be
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  Speaker 1: proud of in this situation, How did you handle it?
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  Speaker 1: Is it going to matter once all this time has passed.
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  Speaker 1: And I just want to be really clear that this
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  Speaker 1: isn't the same as suppressing how you feel or refusing
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  Speaker 1: to talk about something, rumination going over and over the
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  Speaker 1: same injustice without moving anywhere is different from processing something
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  Speaker 1: once and then choosing where your energy goes next. We're
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  Speaker 1: not switching off in these four steps. It's about noticing
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  Speaker 1: where you actually have influence and putting your attention there
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  Speaker 1: instead of somewhere where it can't do anything at all.
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  Speaker 1: So for me, this has been incredibly effective when especially
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  Speaker 1: the situation involves other people. So maybe you feel there's
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  Speaker 1: an injustice or there's been an altercation with somebody, and
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  Speaker 1: it can be so hard to accept when somebody has
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  Speaker 1: wronged you, or you feel someone has wronged you, or
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  Speaker 1: you don't agree with somebody's values and beliefs. So doing
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  Speaker 1: these four steps can be really empowering, even when the
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  Speaker 1: most effective course of action turns out to be doing
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  Speaker 1: nothing at all. That's something that I have really embraced
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  Speaker 1: recently that no matter how strongly I feel about something,
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  Speaker 1: I don't actually need to voice my opinion or judgment
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  Speaker 1: if there's obviously no effective outcome. What I've recognized is
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  Speaker 1: that when I'm always reacting to what I can't control,
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  Speaker 1: like other people's opinions, I'm actually acting from ego. Like
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  Speaker 1: I've recognized that in myself, and it's such a pull.
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  Speaker 1: It's like we must have a voice on principle, but no,
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  Speaker 1: we don't always have to, because sometimes it just makes
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  Speaker 1: things worse. And I'm not saying don't have an opinion
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  Speaker 1: or don't have a voice. I'm saying, choose when to
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  Speaker 1: have an opinion and when not to. And my ego
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  Speaker 1: certainly doesn't like it when I choose this. But if
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  Speaker 1: I'm intentionally making the decision to let things slide because
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  Speaker 1: I know the outcome won't be good, then I can
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  Speaker 1: settle my ego pretty quickly. And this four step process
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  Speaker 1: really helps me stand back and feel more in control
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  Speaker 1: and respond in a way that's aligned with the person
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  Speaker 1: that I really want to be. So I invite you
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  Speaker 1: to try it this week. If you're struggling with a
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  Speaker 1: situation or you're struggling with others, focus on what you
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  Speaker 1: can control, work out where your attention is, and then
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  Speaker 1: decide where to place it. And pivot into effective action
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  Speaker 1: and then take that view from above so you can
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  Speaker 1: see the perspective of the situation. So have a great
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  Speaker 1: week everyone, and I'll catch you next week. See ya
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  Speaker 1: yahm