Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Don't Marry A Man That Can't Do Housework

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Don't Marry A Man That Can't Do Housework · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we are going to talk about why not to
• 0:12
  marry. A man who doesn't do housework
• 0:14
  and how you need to kind of talk about this at home.
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  If you're a parent, if you don't want your children to end up in
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  dysfunctional relationships later on, and of course, there
• 0:24
  are caveats because some women will say, I don't care if my
• 0:27
  husband does housework and we will talk about that as well,
• 0:31
  right? After I tell you to subscribe,
• 0:34
  my most recent subscribers, Cyber episode was, when you want
• 0:36
  your wife to change how she dresses, and the one coming up
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  is going to be. Why would your partner try to
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  make you happy? If you never act happy that will
• 0:42
  be the one that comes out next. All right.
• 0:45
  So anyway, there's also of course, a hundred more.
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  So, what do I mean by housework? So obviously you're going to
• 0:53
  meet your husband. He's not a full, you know, he's
• 0:56
  in his 20s when you meet somebody or maybe you meet him
• 0:58
  in his 40s after a divorce or sometime in between or whatever.
• 1:03
  He's just going to have an apartment right.
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  Was probably not going to have a single family house with all the
• 1:08
  he certainly is not going to all the time.
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  Have his own children yet. You kind of don't know what he's
• 1:13
  going to do in the case that he has a family, right?
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  But there's ways to tell if a human being could take care of
• 1:21
  themselves, right? And a lot of women act like, how
• 1:24
  could I have known that he wasn't going to help out when
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  the guy lived like, you know, like in filth and he never ate
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  at home. He never had anything in the
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  fridge. He's never really cleaned.
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  He never changed his sheet. He never, you know, thought
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  about never, he didn't even have a house.
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  Plant, never had a pet, you know, there's a lot of people
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  who cannot keep themselves afloat, really in any meaningful
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  sense. They look at the home as like
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  this landing pad in between work and going out and hobbies that
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  isn't all men though. Like if you are a woman
• 2:02
  listening to this and you're like, oh yeah, that's just all
• 2:04
  meant. At all, met, plenty of men know
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  how to, you know, sweep up a mess on the floor and many men
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  do have a pet or something that they have to take care of many
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  men change their sheets. They do their laundry.
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  They do stop and guys, even do this in college.
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  So like there's guys that do laundry and college more
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  frequently than others, you know, there's guys who they
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  have, like, trash piling up in their dorm room, and there's
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  guys who don't. So if you marry a guy who has no
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  indication that that he can do anything like this, you are
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  going to do it. And at first you may think that
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  that's very cute and that you can take care of him.
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  And that's the part that women don't really like to remember
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  because it makes them feel stupid and it's best to admit
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  it. You know, we all make mistakes
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  when we're stupid and young and also when your sex hormones are
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  raging because you're like, very young and you're very into the
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  idea. I talked about this in my
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  feminine, energy podcast, a lot of women like these ideas, these
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  five These people on Tick, Tock that talk about like being a
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  soft girl and being feminine and your feminine energy.
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  That seems really good when you're 25 years old, right?
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  So you have this idea in your head, like oh, he's a slob but
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  he's like a really good guy and I'm gonna like make cookies and
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  I'm going to clean the house and I'm gonna, you know, decorate
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  the nursery and I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that.
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  You, if you want to do that, keep in mind.
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  You're always going to be doing that.
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  So you you may not always want to do it and you're not going to
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  want to do it. As much after children, and it
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  may. It's like, it's like any other
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  sort of idealistic fantasy. It doesn't really hold water.
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  When push comes to shove, most women want somebody who can
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  sweep up a mess or who can make a phone call to a doctor's
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  office, or who can put something on a calendar.
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  So if you were always, and this is also in the realm of organ,
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  organizational skill, so not just that their organizational
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  brain only. He comes on when they sit down
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  at work because you made out that that's real and a lot of
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  women do. They're like, how could he be so
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  good at work? And he's not so good at home.
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  First of all, that is like classic ADHD.
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  They can only hyper focus on something when there's a
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  deadline and when there's adrenaline, so if they do,
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  they're going to get fired, they could do a lot different stuff
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  than if they just know that they may get ants at some point in
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  the future if they leave food on the table.
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  So people with ADHD particularly and you should read the book,
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  The ADHD effect on me, Marriage. If your husband is this person
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  who has no organizational capacity then, you know, you may
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  want to look into whether he has ADHD that's kind of common, but
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  he can do it at work but also he's doing it less.
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  Well, at work than you realize because all of these men when I
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  talk to them, the wife is like why can he get so much shit done
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  at work but he can't get anything done at home the man's.
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  Like, I don't I don't get so much shit done at work.
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  I'm actually far behind. I'm actually always missing
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  shit. You know, I'm the guy that
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  everybody knows it's even money that he won't show up.
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  For meet it and the wives are usually taken aback because they
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  don't realize that he's fucking up at work to for the same exact
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  reasons and his dorm room correlates with his room.
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  When he was growing up as a boy, correlates with what he's going
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  to do at work and correlates with what he's going to do at
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  home. So if you are idealizing, this
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  kind of man, then you need to realize that they're going to be
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  the same person forever there. You cannot marry somebody and
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  think that they are just going to change.
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  When push comes to shove. The adrenaline rush of having a
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  newborn baby is not. Not the same as having your boss
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  walk over to you and say you're about to lose your job because
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  you have the baby 24/7, you don't have your boss coming
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  striding over towards your across the room, 24/7.
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  It isn't the same adrenaline rush so they're not going to
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  feel the urgency in the way that you feel the urgency.
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  It used to be when social and gender roles were different.
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  That women would kind of understand that their role was
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  to do all the organizational stuff in the house.
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  That is no longer the case if you want that to be your role,
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  Has to be an individual decision versus a gender decision.
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  So, if you want that to be, then that has to be something that's
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  discussed. That you are like, I understand
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  that this man, I'm looking around his room, his apartment,
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  whatever. It's filthy, it's disgusting, he
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  will not change. He can't even if he tells me, he
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  will change means nothing because he's in the new Love
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  phase and he would like to think he can change but it means as
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  little as the fact that I like to give head now and I may not
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  after I get married and You know, same thing the decremented
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  female libido parallels, the decrement and male feeling in
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  love and like I would do anything for them.
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  It's like the same thing, it's the same hormonal, you know,
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  drunken new love feeling. So if you really want here,
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  here's a better way. Here's a better way to think
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  about it. If your father as a woman if
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  your father was good at organization and took over half
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  the shit so that your mother didn't have to do everything.
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  That's probably what you're expecting marriage to look like,
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  do not marry the man who leaves Dip potato chip bags under his
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  bed in his dorm or whatever. The case may be, you are net.
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  It's never going to get better. And if you are so in love with
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  this man, then also, make sure that, you know, you will be
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  cleaning out the potato chip bags, forever, or, or you can
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  have an idea in your mind, that one or both of.
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  You have to make enough money to Outsource all of the housework
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  and a lot of the organization and that's okay.
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  There are some women who are so in love with the guy and the
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  fact that he doesn't do Housework is whatever because a
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  either they love to do it and or they can Outsource it but you
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  have to be thinking clearly the idea of meeting somebody who's a
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  slob and the thinking they're going to change is as ludicrous
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  as I consistently tell men, it is to think that a low libido
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  woman when you're dating is going to morph into a high
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  libido woman after marriage. She's going to get worse, not
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  better, and it's the same with the guy who is sloppy and to
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  can't do housework and can organize he's going to get
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  worse, not better. So, if you are Hey, with that
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  then get married. If you're not, then you have to
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  think about somebody else, what you can to do.
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  I mean, you probably will no matter what I say, but at least
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  they'll be a little voice in your head that possibly could
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  deter. You what it is unfair to do to
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  yourself and to this person is to say, but you'll change when
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  we're married, right? Implicitly or explicitly,
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  because he can't. He's shown who he is.
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  He's shown who he is. He's the guy who doesn't change
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  his sheets. He doesn't change his sheets
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  since he started dating you. You were dating him for eight
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  months. A he is not going to turn into
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  the guy who knows. Is how to clean the kitchen to
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  your specification? You need to love him for other
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  things, and take over all of the housework if you want or
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  Outsource it all. But he can't do it.
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  So it's the same thing with the low libido woman.
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  If you want to marry a woman they were you're going to have a
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  lot of sex and you're not having a lot of sex.
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  When you're dating. How the hell is she going to
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  turn into a porn star after you get married as the honeymoon
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  stage Fades? If you marry this woman, you
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  have to tell yourself that. It doesn't matter.
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  You're never going to cheat on her.
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  You're not going to want to That much sex, you're not going to
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  force her, you're not going to be up her ass to change and
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  you're just going to say I accept that to be with this
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  beautiful remarkable person. We're not going to have that
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  much sex. Let me tell you you're not going
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  to like that long term. The same as the woman, probably
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  isn't going to like the guy who can't ever clean the kitchen.
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  So, these are the things that you really have to look out for.
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  And if that man giving the parent parallel, if that man,
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  that says, oh, he would be okay with the woman who will barely
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  touch him, but she's so beautiful and smart.
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  His mother was a very warm physically affectionate person.
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  That is his expectation for marriage implicitly.
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  So although he doesn't want to marry his mother, he learned
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  that that was what marriage looks like and he's not going to
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  like it the way he thinks he will.
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  He's not going to be okay with having less sex than he wants to
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  have. Because he's not always going to
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  think of her as so Splendid. Because he/she may be beautiful
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  and smart and whatever. But he's also wearing the
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  honeymoon stage goggles of this rose-colored glasses thinking
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  that she's better than she is. So the point is that you cannot
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  marry somebody expecting them to change.
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  And I talked about this that in my podcast that said, women
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  fantasize that men will change after marriage.
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  But men also fantasize women will change, it's just in a
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  different way. Men think that after we get
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  engaged after we get married, whatever it is then she'll feel
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  secure and safe and all of these things.
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  And then that's when our sex life is really going to ramp up,
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  it's silly, it's ludicrous, and it leads to a lot of drama and
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  heartache dead. Could be obviated if there was
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  more of an understanding that people are who they are years
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  ago. It used to be thought that a man
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  would not do anything around the house.
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  So, so, thus, the expectation was very minimal.
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  So you could marry a man that could afford housework help for
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  you or not, you know, and then you would do it but it wasn't
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  thought to be any different. Now, there was no other option
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  necessarily and so with that, there was a lot less Push Pull
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  of thinking that somebody could really change the idea that
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  people could change their entire core personality is really
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  relatively recent you know? And we have a very psychology
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  and therapy obsessed culture right now and it's almost
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  anathema to say that a person has a personality and the
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  personality doesn't really change because the idea is that
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  everybody can change anything. Everybody can't change
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  everything. You know, I was talking to my
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  daughter, she's 13 now, and she was saying, well, you could do
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  everything. If you put your mind to it and I
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  said, I cannot you. She was saying to me in
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  particular because I forget what I said I could do or not do or
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  something and she said, no you could you could you could do
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  anything that you put your mind to I certainly can.
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  And so my son from the back says for example she can't be good at
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  basketball so I said, there you go, thank you.
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  And yes, it's true. We can't all be good at whatever
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  we want. There's many things, I could be
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  good at buffer example. I can't be good at basketball.
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  I could be better but there's no world in which I am getting onto
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  the WNBA, there's just not happening.
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  So you know, there's this idea and it hurts people more than it
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  helps them because it's swung the pendulum swung too far.
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  So of course, to think that there's absolutely nothing you
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  could change in your station and to go to some kind of caste
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  system is not what I'm advising. Of course, people can change and
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  grow but Des to have I ever seen somebody changed from somebody
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  who is always a messy. Sloppy person who never gave a
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  shit about cleaning into somebody who is mr.
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  Clean in my Marriage. No, I never seen that.
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  And similarly, I have never seen a woman who started out as a
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  little girl who thought everything was gross.
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  Who never particularly liked cuddles or kisses and never
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  really had much of a, you know, romantic touching, didn't focus
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  on physical touch ever in her relationships to turn into a
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  woman who is like a lot of sex. No, I never seen it.
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  Never probably never will. Because it's crazy because it's
• 13:01
  not real. I have guinea pigs.
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  They're not going to turn into dogs like it's just It happened.
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  So if you think that you are going to marry a man, that is
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  crap at housework and he's going to change into somebody.
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  Who's good at housework. I have a bridge to sell you
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  because it's not going to happen and it's not a fair expectation
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  on him and it's not a fair expectation on you.
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  So you, if you are now being like, well shit, can't put the
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  toothpaste back in the tube. I already married him and he
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  won't clean the kitchen. Yeah, you know, I mean, we,
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  there's a lot of problems in this world and we got to think
• 13:33
  outside the box. So you could either keep banging
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  your head against the wall, keep telling him to clean the
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  kitchen. And the way that he has, never
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  cleaned the kitchen in his whole life or maybe you could think
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  outside the box a little bit, maybe you could hire somebody to
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  clean the kitchen in the way that you want.
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  Maybe you wouldn't be so upset about him, not cleaning kitchen.
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  If he did other things like validated and appreciated how
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  wonderful of a home that you keep and manage whether or not
• 13:55
  to hire somebody, maybe if he was more romantic and I have a
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  post called, what would your housework standards be if you
• 14:01
  felt more loved, maybe if he were And different in some
• 14:06
  domains where he does have some more flexibility such as grew
• 14:10
  more empathic, which is something that people could
• 14:12
  learn to do, you know, assuming they're not sociopaths which are
• 14:15
  very small subset of the population.
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  If you grew more empathic and more understood, how difficult
• 14:20
  it was to live with him, then maybe his half-assed job of
• 14:23
  doing the kitchen, which he's apologetic about would be okay?
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  Because at least he's not pretending that, it's a good job
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  and you should be happy for it and it's the exact same thing
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  with the men with the low libido wives, if you don't want to
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  divorce your wife, I mean, you know, you don't have there's not
• 14:38
  a lot of what's the word, you? You can't change her into
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  somebody else. You can try.
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  I mean, God knows, I give you all the possible tools to try
• 14:48
  that. Maybe she just doesn't know what
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  she likes. Maybe she had sexual trauma.
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  Maybe you're just shouldn't bed and we can do all the focus on.
• 14:54
  You learning to be a better lover, but if you're trying to
• 14:58
  change her from a woman who shies away from your kids, when
• 15:02
  their hands are too sweaty to a woman Is begging to go down on
• 15:07
  you, I have a bridge to sell you because it ain't going to
• 15:10
  happen. And so we need to balance
• 15:12
  between acceptance and change in any healthy marriage.
• 15:15
  In fact, that is why, you know, DBT I run a DBT group, not me,
• 15:20
  but therapist. In my practice, you've heard of
• 15:22
  DBT. Potentially for borderline
• 15:24
  personality, for depression. What have you since for
• 15:26
  dialectical behavior therapy? It was pioneered by Marsha
• 15:29
  Linehan, who herself as a young woman.
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  She came out with this a few years ago.
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  Now, a lot of years ago, struggled with borderline
• 15:36
  personality and borderline personality disorder used to be
• 15:39
  thought of as something that couldn't be treated.
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  And then she Pioneers DBT and it engages.
• 15:43
  All of these techniques that can draw from Buddhism and its
• 15:47
  acceptance base. But then it also is
• 15:49
  behavioral-based and CBT and Zen Buddhism and whatever else.
• 15:52
  Right? I read about this years ago and
• 15:55
  was trained in it to some degree in my program.
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  Either way. The, what is dialectical mean is
• 16:01
  the point of that little background is the dialectic
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  between a Acceptance and change acceptance and change that you
• 16:09
  cannot change. Ironically, and paradoxically
• 16:12
  until you accept where you're at, you know, and you can't
• 16:15
  accept where you're at, until you also commit to trying to
• 16:18
  change it to the best person that you can be.
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  And to understand that that's possible.
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  There has to be a balance between acceptance and change.
• 16:25
  So while your husband may get better at cleaning the kitchen,
• 16:27
  he's never going to be perfect. And while you may get better at
• 16:30
  acting enthusiastic in bed or even being enthusiastic in bed
• 16:33
  is still never going to hit the money shot for him.
• 16:36
  Potentially for what he's all, you know, hopes and dreams are
• 16:39
  if they equate to analogously with your hopes and dreams are
• 16:42
  for how he cleans the kitchen. But this isn't a side for my
• 16:45
  many married readers. But if you are in the situation
• 16:48
  where you are, dating a man, and you go over and his house is a
• 16:51
  hovel and you do not want to end up being Cinderella, that's
• 16:54
  taken care of everything. And you do not potentially have
• 16:57
  the money or the interest in Outsourcing, the Cinderella
• 17:00
  tasks fucking. Don't be with him, don't be with
• 17:03
  him because it's kind of Got it should be and you could get to
• 17:07
  where it's a turn-off. It's something that you could
• 17:09
  picture being a turn off the same.
• 17:11
  As if he liked kicked his dog. You'd be like, what a
• 17:14
  psychopath? Who would kick a dog?
• 17:16
  Well, you could think the same of somebody who has a nasty
• 17:18
  dishes in the sink in his house or who, obviously, net doesn't
• 17:22
  own a vacuum or whatever else. Okay.
• 17:25
  So, this is your PSA to not be one of the women that five years
• 17:29
  in says, I'll guess why he doesn't help with cleaning.
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  And now I'm trying to think about Out if he ever indicated
• 17:37
  that he would. And now I feel bad about myself
• 17:39
  for being stupid. So don't be that person.
• 17:41
  And also the corollary, of course the analogy.
• 17:44
  If you're the man listening is the same with the sex drive but
• 17:47
  I have enough podcasts on that one.
• 17:49
  This one is more about the housework and hope you found
• 17:52
  this of interest and I'll talk to you soon.
• 17:53
  Have a great day.