Latest / Libido Lounge / The Shocking Link Between EMOTIONAL Safety and Your Libido with Dr. Diane Mueller

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The Shocking Link Between EMOTIONAL Safety and Your Libido with Dr. Diane Mueller · Libido Lounge

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One of the things that I've noticed for many, many years over my own life and with my work is
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the importance of safety experiencing sexual intimacy.
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When we are unsafe, there can be this like dissociative type of thing that happens that
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anytime a sexual act starts, rather than being present with the sensations of the body, check
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out.
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Safety and trust are on the same side of the pendulum.
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They are directly interwoven.
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If we are feeling unsafe in any way, it kicks on the survival mechanism of the body.
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Your libido will typically go down.
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Hi, everybody.
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Welcome back to another episode of The Lounge, and happy New Year.
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I hope you've had the best holiday season.
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We are jumping into content today talking about trust and safety in regards to libido and sex.
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I'm kicking off this New Year doing this particular podcast myself, so today you have
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me, doctor Diane, yours truly.
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And then next week we will continue on with our guest interviews.
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So one of the things that I've noticed for many, many years over my own life and with my
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work is the importance of safety for experiencing sexual intimacy.
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So for example, for women, one big thing that can come up is not feeling emotionally or
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mentally safe in some way, and obviously there's like the big T traumas and problems
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around safety and those are important, but that is actually not what I'm talking about here.
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Safety can be related to small little things, the ability to bring up something that is
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vulnerable and be heard, listened, and understood.
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And when we are not, when we bring up things that are vulnerable or when something happens
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that violates a level of safety, that actually comes into the sex life, that actually can
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create this constriction in the body.
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I was talking to somebody just this week who was sharing, she was in her mid twenties, and
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sharing that she was basically unable to feel anything in her genitals.
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So one of the things that can happen for women and men is that when they are unsafe, when we
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are unsafe, there can be this dissociative type of thing that happens that any time a sexual
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act starts, rather than being present with the sensations of the body, we check out.
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We go someplace else.
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We our mind wanders.
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And when that happens, we're not paying attention to the sensations.
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We can actually see that we see energetic changes.
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Right?
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So I'm gonna get a little woo woo on you, and then I'm gonna come back to the topic because
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it's real interesting when we look at energy.
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Right?
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And energy being this this substance.
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Right?
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This non it's a visible substance that actually runs through our body.
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So one of my doctorates is in Chinese medicine and acupuncture, and what we see with that,
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which is very interesting, there's studies that have been done on the acupuncture meridian,
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which are these invisible lines of energy.
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And what the studies have shown is that if you actually measure the skin impedance, which is
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the electrical conductivity that the skin outputs, you can actually trace the acupuncture
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meridian.
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You can trace these invisible lines of energy because they do actually create this different
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electrical signal that is actually picked up with certain scientific tools, and you can
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actually find and validate the acupuncture energetic forces that way.
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So we know that while this force is invisible, we now know in science that it's very, very,
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very real.
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And so what we see is that emotions can cause constrictions in this flow of energy.
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So we have a flow of energy, for example, that connects the heart to the genitals.
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And so if something happens where somebody is feeling unsafe or feeling not hurt or feeling
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not validated or whatever they need, we can actually constrict this flow of energy from the
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heart to the genitals.
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Think of it almost like having a garden hose, like this constriction I'm talking about, and
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imagine if you have a garden hose and water is flowing through it just fine, if you want to
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stop the water without turning the faucet off, what you're gonna do is put a kink in the hose.
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Right?
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And what you're gonna get when you get a kink in that hose is that you're gonna get a backup
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of that water energy on one side, and then they're gonna have that blockage, and then
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you're gonna have, like, kinda nothing flowing or just a trickle on the other side.
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So the same thing that can happen with our energy system where it's like there's just this
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blockage due to not feeling safe.
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Now what I wanted to really bring up, because one of the things that's become apparent to me
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lately is this huge connection between safety and trust.
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So what I've really realized is that safety and trust are on the same side of the pendulum.
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They're on the same side of the seesaw.
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And what I mean by that is that they are directly interwoven.
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So here's an example of something that can happen that can ruin trust.
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From I'm gonna talk about this from a masculine to feminine and then also from a feminine to
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masculine perspective.
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So because trust can be, of course, be broken in both ways, and whether it's the one way or
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the other, sex, libido, intimacy, orgasm can all be impacted.
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So imagine that somebody is asking their partner so let's say we'll just pick genders
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here.
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So let's say that a that a woman is asking her male partner to do something to, like, change a
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light bulb.
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And maybe she's, you know, she's she could also be asking this to a female partner.
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It doesn't matter.
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Right?
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So a woman is asking her partner, hey, honey.
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Will you change the light bulb?
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And the partner says something like, yeah.
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I will I have time to do that tomorrow.
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And they don't do it.
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And, you know, if they don't acknowledge it and a couple days go by, maybe she brings it up
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again, maybe she doesn't.
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And maybe the partner says, oh, yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Honey, I'm on it.
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I'm on it.
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Promise I I'll do it this weekend, and it doesn't happen again.
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Now it might seem silly.
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Right?
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Because you can look at it from, like, a bird's eye point of view and be like, oh my gosh.
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Of all the different things in life and all the different things that humans do between taking
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care of work and themselves and house and children and each other and on and on and on,
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why does changing the light bulb have to actually impact the sex drive?
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But here's the connection because what's really important, especially for her, is that if those
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little jobs are not done, especially when they're said they were, they were promised and
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they said they would be attended to, and they are not done and not done by the time they are
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said they would or at least acknowledged, it can actually start to break down trust.
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And it's just a minor thing, right, but it's like, gosh, I don't trust them to do this.
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All of those little things around trust, all of that capacity of like, I can't trust them here
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and I can't trust them there, those things actually can lead to feelings of unsafety,
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especially in her, but, you know, we all have these forces inside of us, right?
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So that not doing those things can then lead to a feeling of not feeling safe and therefore
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things not going very well in the bedroom because it takes a energy flow to the genitals
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to feel good.
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It also takes the ability of the mind to be able to focus so so firmly on the genitals and
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the and the pleasure.
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Right?
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The practice of pleasure is connected to the practice of presence, like I've said so many
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times.
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So they're really these small little things like that actually can have a pretty major
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impact on things like trust, libido, and that's that connection between trust and safety.
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Now let's look at what can happen to men.
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And again, when I talk about men and women, we both have these forces inside of us, but there
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are these stereotypes that are nice to talk about because they're just good for teaching,
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but of course this can apply bidirectionally.
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Now for men, one of the ways that the safety trust cycle and problems in the safety trust
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cycle gets activated, one of the main ways is through emasculation.
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And, you know, women do this and partners do this to men very frequently, not realizing it.
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Right?
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There's a few different ways something like that could be handled.
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If the partner is not able to change the light bulb, let's say they they said they would
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change it by Tuesday, you know, and and Tuesday comes around and they're like, wow, I'm just so
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busy, I can't get to it.
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One thing that can help to keep that trust is to just acknowledge to their partner and say
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like, hey, I just want you to know that I said I would do it, you know, by today.
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I'm feeling, you know, x y z, and, you know, I'm feeling all these things.
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And, you know, there is a you know, here's here's another solution.
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Right?
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Here's where we can what we can do instead.
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So they can even ask their partner like, hey, like, you know, I know this is important to
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you.
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Is it cool if I get to it tomorrow?
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Right?
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So that sends that signal of acknowledging, yes, I'm on this.
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Yes, I feel you.
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Yes, I'm aware of this.
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And we talked about this some in my recent, podcast.
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If you listen to our December episode with Susan Morgan Taylor, we talked about a bunch
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about this, and that was part of what inspired this because Susan and I talk about this in
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different ways where she talks about trust more and I talk about safety more, but what I
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realized in that interview with her that I wanted to bring to the table to this discussion
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is that that deep interplay between trust and safety.
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Right?
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And so that's how just kinda by acknowledging it, by saying like, oh, I made this promise.
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It's not gonna work for me, but I want you to know that here's what it's here is the solution
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I have.
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Is this going to work for you?
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That basically is communicating to the partner like, I'm aware of your needs.
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I'm aware of your of the promises I made and you can count on me still.
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Right?
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We do have to negotiate this because something came up, but this is valuable to me.
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Your requests are valuable to me.
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You are valuable to me.
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You can trust me.
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Right?
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So that's that side of things.
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Now, if we take that to the emasculation, there are so many different ways that men get
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emasculated.
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And oftentimes, this happens when women are feeling frustrated, you know, or their partners
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are feeling frustrated, and their partners say something to them that almost like diminishes
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them a little bit and makes them feel like they are not doing their job of providing, of
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showing up, of providing in many different ways, love, care, support, financial, whatever
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it may be.
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And so when men get emasculated, it actually really diminishes them.
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It actually takes out their light, and it actually is one way that they begin to feel a
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sense of that trust safety component, that side of the pendulum, really burst.
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And I've seen this in relationships where all of a sudden it can trigger like men to be
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avoidant or attachment with or avoidant or anxious in their attachment style.
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Let's talk about attachment styles more sometime this year.
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We should do a podcast on that because I think that would be really useful.
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But it can really trigger this, like, withdrawing component, and I've seen situations
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where men are able to, like, compartmentalize and still have sex during, you know, they're
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feeling emasculated.
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What tends to happen with that is there's this huge disconnect.
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Right?
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There's this huge level of not being able to show up, kind of emotionally and they're just
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there for the physical, you know, getting off.
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So that's something.
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And another thing that can happen for men during this is almost like the opposite where
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they're really shut down.
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Like, I've seen situations where men after being emasculated, all of a sudden are
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suffering from erectile dysfunction, or they're showing up to bed and they're just, like, not
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engaged.
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They're just kind of laying there listless, not looking in their partner's eyes, and it just
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kinda continues that that disconnect.
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And oftentimes this happens when there is like an expectation that is maybe not being met, and
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then the way that the partner approaches this is very, very problematic, and it makes the
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other person wrong.
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So for example, like I had a opportunity yesterday where I could have totally
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emasculated my partner.
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I was doing a lot of extra jobs for my step son, and it was taking a lot of time, and it
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was, really pulling me away from other things I needed to do, and I was happy to do it.
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But I was in this project, for our step son.
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I was doing more of the work.
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Now I could've easily, like, lashed out and been like, what the heck is wrong with you?
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Look at how much work I'm doing compared to you.
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Like, you know, what is your problem?
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And, you know, and and truthfully, there was, like, part of me that felt that way, that
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wanted to do that.
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But the other side of this is like, I actually never had asked for help before.
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It's not his job to recognize every time I need help, so I chose a different path, which was
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just saying like, hey, I'm feeling really overwhelmed by all of these tasks.
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Would you be able to take this, you know, this one particular task off my plate?
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It would really help me a lot.
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And immediately he jumped to it and immediately he was like on it within seconds, super
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helpful, like just like totally came to my rescue.
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And, you know, and that's an example of how like, you know, a choice can be made where it's
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like we can go one way or I could have, like, lashed out and made him feel really inferior
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because he wasn't able to anticipate my needs and lashed out and it could have gone a very
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different way.
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And so there's you know, we're not perfect.
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Right?
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I mess up all the time, but it is this continued goal and this continued work to,
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like, how can we communicate in ways that are productive?
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Right?
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How can we communicate in ways that are not emasculating?
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How can we communicate in ways that are, inspiring trust and safety?
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So, you know, oftentimes for women, a common thing that women need is, like, if those
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promises are made and, you know, so like, yeah, hi, I'm gonna I'm gonna do this thing, that
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there is that follow through and that communication.
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And then for men, making sure that on the opposite side, like, that communication is done
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in a way where there's not that emasculation because either one of these paths, and and
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again, these, you know, these paths can exist in either one of us.
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These are just like commonalities that we see between the masculine and feminine.
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Either one of these paths really can break down that safety and trust bubble.
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And that safety and trust bubble is one of the foundational things, like I'm saying, that
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really is helping both parties libido.
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And if he feels emasculated, he's gonna show up in the bedroom and not oftentimes be able to
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fully give, to fully be present, to fully look in his partner's eyes.
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And and and like I said, it can even lead into a, or an erectile dysfunction issue.
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Oftentimes, these types of scenarios we're talking about are very stressful, so these
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communication breakdowns, these breakdowns of safety and trust, the moment we are having a
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breakdown in safety and trust, the moment we are having a breakdown of safety and trust,
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what's happening to us is our neurological system is going into fight or flight because in
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order for us to be relaxed, in order for us to experience trust and safety, that is basically
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our rest and digest.
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That is kind of the calming part of our nervous system.
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If we are feeling unsafe in any way, if we're feeling emasculated, if we're feeling our trust
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is violated in any of those things, it kicks on the survival mechanism of the body.
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The survival mechanism we call in the nervous system is known as sympathetic in medicine but
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is also known as fight or flight, and it's really where our body is kicking out a lot more
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cortisol and adrenaline.
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When we are doing this, we typically do not have a strong sex drive.
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Now there are examples of some people that do have an acceleration in their libido from that
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kind of like fight or flight stress reaction.
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But if you notice that yourself that when you get highly stressed, that typically your libido
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falls, right?
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When you have a lot on your mind, typically your libido falls.
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When you're worried about something, typically your libido is not as strong, you probably lean
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towards stress being more of a break on your libido, which is a more common path.
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And so when that's happening, when you're in this scenario where you're out of the trust and
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safety bubble and you're then in this more stress type of thing because trust has been
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violated or emasculation has happened, and then all of a sudden we have all of this chemical
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change in our body that is leading you to be more in that survival stress mechanism from
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your neurological system standpoint.
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When that's happening, your body is getting the signal of I'm stressed, I'm stressed, I'm
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stressed, I'm stressed, I'm stressed.
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And when that is happening, what winds up happening is your libido will typically go down
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most of the time.
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You're not gonna get the same level of blood flow to the genitals, right?
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These types of stress hormones can affect your hormonal system, they can affect your sleep,
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your mood, and so much more.
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So it's a very interwoven system, our neurological system, our libido, our hormones
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all really interplay.
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So one of the foundational things here is to begin to rework how we are approaching each
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other, and some of this I think begins with understanding.
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You know, I think sometimes it's some partners, it can be hard to understand that, hey, I
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promised her, I promised him I'd change the light bulb and I didn't do it, how that could
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affect the sex drive.
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But hopefully with this, you're beginning to see that connection that those little things
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violate trust.
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And, you know, and same thing from the emasculation side.
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Sometimes it's so easy to just be like, well, I deserve to say this.
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Like I hear women say that like, I deserve to be pissed off.
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I should be pissed off about this because, I expected this thing and it didn't happen and
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yada yada.
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And it's not to say that there's not some level of deserving to feel upset.
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However, when we approach it that way, oftentimes, it leads to this emasculation.
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And oftentimes, I find that people get upset when they just are feeling, and and there's
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obviously way more reasons than this.
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I'm oversimplifying this than I know just to make a point.
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But oftentimes people can get upset when it's like, well, they didn't notice that I needed
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help, or they didn't notice that I needed this, or they should have stepped in more, or I do
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more work, or all these different things.
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And that may very well be true and you can feel very upset about it.
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However, if we're not asking for what we need, and it's very different if we're asking for
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what we need and a partner's promising and they're breaking their promise and all those
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things, right?
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Both players, you know, both partners have to come to the table here.
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But what I'm saying is, like, it's so easy I see in the emasculation world to kind of
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validate, like, well, I'm upset about this and this pissed me off, so I need to be able to
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express it.
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Right?
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That's what I hear people say.
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But what's more important than expressing it, I think, is understanding it.
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Like, if we are upset about something, we wanna understand like, okay, well, why was there no
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follow through on the light bulb?
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Or why was there no follow through on the project?
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Or why did they not notice that you need help or whatever it is and have a conversation about
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it?
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And much of the time these things can be resolved just by communication and just by
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asking for what we need.
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So that's a huge part of reestablishing that.
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So I hope this has been helpful.
25:13
Happy, happy New Year, everybody.
25:15
I hope everybody has the best New Year.
25:17
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The information on how to join is in the show notes.
25:49
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25:50
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25:55
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25:57
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25:58
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26:00
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