Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Your Refractory Period Can Help You Be Empathic To Your Wife

Transcript

Your Refractory Period Can Help You Be Empathic To Your Wife · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today, we're going to be talking about how
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  your refractory period aka the time after sex, where you can't
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  have sex again? Right away is really helpful in
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  helping, you understand how your wife feels.
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  And if you can't understand why, then listen and learn.
• 0:25
  So before that, please do subscribe.
• 0:28
  I have close to 100 subscriber episodes maybe up to 100 now.
• 0:32
  And in season 3, which is going to Start soon because I have 200
• 0:36
  episodes in each season. I'm coming to the end of season
• 0:39
  2 and episode in season 3 rather more of my content is going to
• 0:43
  be paid. So subscribe.
• 0:45
  Now I have some good ones coming out and my most recent one was
• 0:48
  why if you're arrogant or condescending often the only way
• 0:51
  your wife can subconsciously. Assert herself is to stop having
• 0:54
  any attraction to you. So if that sounds like your
• 0:57
  life, you'll want to hear that episode.
• 0:59
  Okay? So I had an interaction with a
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  Facebook follower who said something we were talking On my
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  eighth myths about female orgasms peace and he said
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  something like, well, it wouldn't work for me to follow
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  your suggestion of sometimes. Switching it up and giving the
• 1:15
  woman her orgasm. Second, I wouldn't work for me
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  because after I have an orgasm, it feels very mechanical to me.
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  So going down on her or giving her an orgasm.
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  At that point, I'm tired and I, it feels very mechanical
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  biologically and so I said, well that's That's how women feel you
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  know I mean that's exactly how the majority of women describe
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  feeling, they have no desire biologically just like his goes
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  away after the moment that he comes is desire, goes away and
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  that's how they feel the whole time.
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  So what I was saying and this doesn't have to be something you
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  try, but for people who don't understand, you know, various
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  ways to modify the sexual routine in order to ameliorate
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  some of their current problems. One of them was that many women
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  I feel like he's just giving you an orgasm, so then he can get
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  off and, you know, so that it's even Steven.
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  And then they have a lot of pressure to have your guests,
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  because the point of the encounter, in their mind, it's
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  very routinized. They have their orgasm, and that
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  makes him excited enough to have his orgasm, then they're done.
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  And so, all this pressure to have the orgasm leads to many
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  women. Faking or many women just not
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  enjoying themselves at all. And so, whereas, if the guy
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  actually comes first then remember she's a person to
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  Sochi. She can be excited by you
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  getting off the same as you get excited by her getting off.
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  And so then many women will have an orgasm pretty easily and even
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  quickly and they're also begs the question.
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  What you know, like what people like this guy do if the woman
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  doesn't have an orgasm during the encounter teams that they
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  just go to sleep. Anyway I mean like if he does
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  his best but she doesn't, does he not try again later?
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  It seems like now which is of course a very big No-No.
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  If she doesn't come, then you have to try again later.
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  Spective of whether you feel it's tired and mechanical you,
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  it would be nice to try again later.
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  Same as she probably felt was mechanical from the beginning
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  and tried. So would be the same advice as I
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  tell her for the sake of a loving marriage, try to get in
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  the mood. You know, try to be a pal here
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  and, you know, sacrifice a little bit and for this common
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  good and the same thing for the guy.
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  So it's really a good analogy because that moment after orgasm
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  And for men, this increases this time needed to get hard again,
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  increases a lot, especially in a monogamous relationship with
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  his. If you were 45 years old and you
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  had a new 20-year old partner, well, for the first, you know,
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  few weeks, at least you would have barely any refractory
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  period That's shown in Monkey studies even, you know?
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  But and for men and for women, you know, that they're just a
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  hell of a lot more dry for new partner, but with it as a 45
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  year old guy within the same marriage, You do have a
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  refractory period and frequently go right to sleep afterwards.
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  And many guys have been like this all along, even in their
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  20s that they never came. Again, that they never tried
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  again afterwards. They just thought it was, it was
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  over and that's when they go to sleep.
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  So either way, no matter what level of refractory period
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  you've had. If you are a man with a
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  refractory period, which you have to be, if you're a man, no
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  matter the length, then you can definitely deeply understand how
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  your wife feels. So if it's super mechanical and
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  Like awkward feeling to you ever and something.
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  You just really don't want to do to continue having a sexual
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  encounter. After you get off, you can
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  totally, then understand. So well, how your wife feels
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  often from the beginning of the encounter.
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  It's like such an easy analogy. And so, if you are a guy who has
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  a sex drive, that's high enough that invariably, you know, you,
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  you do always want to give her an orgasm afterwards, you're
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  still interested afterwards, and you will always make sure that
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  she gets off either. Before or after you good, but
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  it's not too far, abridge. I hope for you to understand
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  that there is certainly some decrement in your excitement and
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  Readiness and willingness to serve their, you know, after you
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  come versus before. So, that's how you can better
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  understand your wife because you to have biological and hormonal
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  constraints, you know, because the guys like, oh, your body
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  releases this and that and then you just Want to go to sleep?
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  Yeah, sure. The same happens with the woman
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  over the course of the month. Her body releases this, and
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  that. And she, you know, whether it's
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  the progesterone, the estrogen, like whatever.
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  I she has no testosterone by this point, probably, and very
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  little. Some women going to get a test
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  if 0 testosterone. I let me clear up by the way
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  because a lot of guys are like oh my wife doesn't want to get
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  hormones, that's her fault. You know?
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  I mean, she should just really just go get hormones.
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  Like it's so easy like you go to the store, you just Hormones.
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  And there's like no downside for some women that are not highly
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  sensitive people. There's no downside and it's all
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  upside or mostly upside to taking what they mean by hormone
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  replacement therapy is a cocktail of progesterone,
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  estrogen and testosterone and either any of those, right?
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  That is designed to help you feel, you know, more sexual
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  drive and desire basically making your body.
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  D have the same levels that it's you know, that it used to have
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  but this is a not an exact science and be there is no
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  there's no free lunch. So a lot of women particularly
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  those who are highly sensitive, which is, you know, a lot of
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  women that come into therapy it's 20% of women, but it's more
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  than that of women who come into therapy you get a lot of side
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  effects. So there's headache.
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  There's bloating, there's acne, there's irritability.
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  There could be mood issues, because for many women, they
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  just feel like premenstrual all the time that and or very tired.
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  So it's really not worth it for them to have the increase in
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  Drive. Due to this, I'm going to be
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  talking about this in a different episode.
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  But for a lot of women menopause and perimenopause with the
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  decrease, in the hormones is a relief, they've been beholden to
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  their hormones, their whole lives PMS has been a disaster.
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  Half of though we have for the month is she Shot after
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  ovulation, it's just a straight shot down in your mood and how
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  you feel and you're glad to be off of that roller coaster.
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  You don't want to do it again. When your body is naturally,
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  telling you the hormones have left the building, you don't
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  want to do that again. You know, it's all the bad
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  things, it would be like if your wife told you she wanted you to
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  take a pill where you had the same testosterone as you did
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  when you're like 16 years old. But when you were 16, you got
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  kicked out of school for fighting You are debilitating
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  acne and you felt like enraged all the time.
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  You wouldn't want to do that. If there were downsides, you
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  wouldn't want to do it. Depending on how bad the
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  downsides are. So while hormone replacement
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  therapy is something that people can try, it is certainly not a
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  Panacea that works for all. So, you know, you can't go into
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  it with that kind of can't really go into any sort of
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  medication experiment with the idea that this is what's going
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  to work. Because if it doesn't then you
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  get very upset. So you got to go in like I'm
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  going to try this and I'm going to say, you know, I mean I'll no
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  harm. No foul try.
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  Certainly women should try to hormones unless their doctors
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  have told them not to. And remember, there are many
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  women with cancer histories where their doctors, advised
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  them not to. So, this is something I hear all
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  the time, you know, if they have different cancers, then it's not
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  advisable and more and more research comes out all the time.
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  So, you know it many women and it's not It's not stupid decide
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  to say, you know what, my body is done.
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  So I'm done and within that though, they could still say, oh
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  right, but I still understand that sex can be a part of our
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  lives and I'm going to try to do that as a loving partner, but
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  I'm not going to mess with my body because my body is telling
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  me naturally where I am in the stage of life.
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  So I mean, this is, you know, should be its own episode, but
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  that's just what I feel about that but and and what I see
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  around me and unfortunately on the Oh, I see a lot of guys say,
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  oh, hormone replacement therapy hormone replacement therapy, and
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  then guys are like thinking that that would like magically make
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  your wife back to 30 years old. It doesn't, there's nothing like
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  that, you know? Like there's just nothing that
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  regains youth that'sa. We're now in the realm of
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  philosophy but anyway, so if you have a refractory period Then
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  you can understand what it feels.
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  Like another analogy is, if you have the flu you probably don't
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  want to have sex. Maybe you should young enough
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  that you still do. But at some point, Get to where
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  you want it or I mean, any number of things, one that I
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  frequently say is, if a guy's heterosexual you have a really
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  high sex drive. Do you want to have sex with a
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  guy though? No, you know, well like that's
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  how your wife feels. So you know, I'd be like for
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  like she just does not if she even finds somebody attractive,
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  you can find a man attractive. Here's the one have sex with
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  him. Well, then that's how she feels
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  about. You, you're attractive, but you
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  just want to have sex with you. She feels absolutely no desire
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  to have sex with you at all. Despite that you're Active,
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  because she doesn't feel that drive the same, as you wouldn't
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  feel it, let's say toward a guy, you know, unless you're
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  bisexual. But anyway, so this is super
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  important to realize, is that there are there's a larger
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  thing, but there are always ways to empathize with your spouse's
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  perspective on something by understanding and Diving deeper
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  into the way that you really feel the same.
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  Some people are the type of argue hours that they don't want
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  to cede any ground and that just makes their marriage is really
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  terrible. All in their wives pull away.
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  So you know of course you could argue with this, you could say
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  well if it was very important for my wife, then I would get
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  testosterone implanted directly into my penile shaft and I would
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  be good to go. I would not have any refractory
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  period at all and that's the level of commitment that I
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  expect in this marriage here. You could be that guy, but like
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  that's terrible to be that guy. That's like a zero empathy,
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  really kind of blustery. Foolish.
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  Way to think about things. He's, you know, there's always a
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  way that you can empathize, you know, there's always something
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  you've experienced that could allow you to understand your
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  spouse's perspective better and if you don't think there is, you
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  just haven't looked hard enough. And if you really do not think
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  there is any possible way for you to understand your spouse.
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  You are prime candidate for therapy and not the kind of
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  therapy where you go in and just talk and talk and talk and talk
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  and vent and vent and steamroll the therapist.
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  But the type where you get challenged on some of your
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  unimpacted, belief system, Because the there are so many
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  blind spots that people have just this is just cognitive
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  psych stuff. I mean, people cannot understand
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  their own blind spots their biases or their own perspective.
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  So if you are if you have ever been accused of, not
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  understanding your wife's perspective about sex or driver,
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  anything, then you are a prime candidate for therapy and many
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  women are like astonished by the progress that their husbands can
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  make when they're working with somebody who challenges them.
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  And They come back and they say, man, I was wrong.
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  I really never thought about it. I thought that you were just
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  like messing with me but now I think.
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  Hmm. What if I was in your position,
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  what if I had zero drive and I was always being told that I had
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  to have it and that it was important when I didn't feel, it
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  was important like, how I feel about blah blah blah, blah,
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  blah, whatever. Like I'm sure she wants to do a
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  lot of shit for the family that you don't think it's that
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  important or she wants everything clean.
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  And you don't think that's important or whatever.
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  She doesn't think this is important.
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  No, so for her to go outside her comfort zone and try, you have
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  to be extra empathic. And many men fall down on the
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  job there because they're just thinking about it for
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  themselves. Just so black and white like the
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  simplest sort of thing I like sex.
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  Why doesn't she like sex without thinking?
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  Oh, let me think about that. What would it be?
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  Like what would it really be like to feel zero desire, like
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  being forced to eat when I'm not hungry being forced to fuck
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  right after I come, right? I mean the These people don't
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  like these kind of things. Getting a feeding tube that puts
• 13:38
  food down your throat, right after Thanksgiving dinner.
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  That's how she feels. She you're like, Thanksgiving
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  dinner, do you mean the sex we had three weeks ago?
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  Yeah, everybody's different. And for a lot of women, sex,
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  three weeks, or three days ago, she's full, she's still full
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  and, you know, basically until the next time, she ovulate
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  useful. So you're asking her to go
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  against a biological thing and I'm not saying that you
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  shouldn't Fry to get herself into the mood and to understand
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  responsive desire and all this stuff, but there has to be
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  empathy on your end and frequently be empathy can come
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  from saying, wow, there are times when I feel like that,
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  maybe it's the refractory period when I feel like that about sex
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  itself. Maybe I have to go further
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  afield for a different analogy, such as hunger sickness, you
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  know, but there's always going to be something where your body
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  doesn't do what you wanted to do.
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  And, you know, it's kind of like young guys, they don't
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  understand that. So if I say it would be like
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  your wife, just saying, you have to run faster.
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  You have to get down to a five-minute mile and then I'll
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  be happy and young guys will be like, well, then I would God
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  damn it. I will quit my job and I would
• 14:45
  be a marathon runner and I would, you know, become a
• 14:48
  sprinter and I would do all these things.
• 14:50
  That's what I would do. But then hopefully, by the time
• 14:53
  you are listening to this podcast.
• 14:55
  Maybe you are a young guy. I had to keep young guy.
• 14:58
  Leave me a voicemail that said I should do more stuff for young
• 15:00
  guys, but the best thing I could do for young guys.
• 15:03
  In terms of podcast, is Tell you what life is going to be like
• 15:07
  when you are older, if you don't work on these things.
• 15:09
  Now, the information that I'm giving two men in their 30s,
• 15:12
  40s, 50s is invaluable for younger guys.
• 15:14
  They just don't often listen. So if you stumbled upon this
• 15:17
  then the best thing you could do is not to get anything targeted
• 15:19
  for younger guys, but to hear the problems that older guys
• 15:23
  have that could be ameliorated by understanding some of these
• 15:26
  issues in advance which so many guys say to me, I wish I would
• 15:29
  have had these podcasts when I was younger.
• 15:31
  So if you happen to stumble upon this, when you're younger, great
• 15:34
  your Head of the game. Then you can see all I have to
• 15:36
  work on empathy. Oh, women sex drive decreases
• 15:38
  over time. Oh, get a woman who likes
• 15:40
  physical touch if I do. Oh, compatibility and XYZ
• 15:43
  domains is important. Oh, you know, whatever.
• 15:47
  So anyway if this podcast resonated with you you could go
• 15:51
  to your wife and say huh I thought of a way to think about
• 15:55
  it. I thought of a way to think
• 15:56
  about especially if you're the kind of guy where, if you think
• 15:59
  about it now, there's been time she hasn't had an orgasm and
• 16:03
  then you've assumed that Encounter which is somehow over
• 16:06
  because you had an orgasm. Well, that's not nice.
• 16:09
  Hey, that's not very fair. If she was with you for that
• 16:11
  whole thing, you know then and she could come after you then.
• 16:16
  Yeah, of course. The same.
• 16:17
  As I tell women, try to get outside your comfort zone and do
• 16:20
  it. Definitely try to get outside
• 16:21
  your comfort zone and do it because any woman who is left
• 16:25
  high and dry isn't going to want to have sex anymore.
• 16:28
  Obviously, it's like going out to a date night.
• 16:31
  You don't want to go on but as soon as you see the food, Or
• 16:34
  whisked away and you know, you're not even allowed to eat,
• 16:37
  so you're going to go on date night again.
• 16:38
  No. So that's how women feel.
• 16:40
  They don't have an orgasm in the encounter and even if she does
• 16:43
  have an orgasm in the encounter and you have your orgasm and
• 16:48
  then you're like, oh yeah, there's just no way that she
• 16:50
  could go again. There probably is my.
• 16:52
  There may be a way she could go against some women but you've
• 16:55
  just never thought about it because you're all done and you
• 16:58
  don't care anymore. And that's how she always feels.
• 17:01
  She always feels that way. So you could really help you
• 17:03
  understand. And all right, I hope this was
• 17:05
  useful and I will talk to you all soon.
• 17:07
  Please do subscribe. And if you like talking about
• 17:10
  things like this separate is joining the Facebook group that
• 17:12
  is not a, that doesn't give you the podcast, but it does give
• 17:16
  you a group of about 160 people who are all talking about these
• 17:20
  kind of issues. All right?
• 17:22
  Bye guys.