Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 197. The Sister Wound: I Love Her… But She Drains Me😭❤️‍🩹

Transcript

197. The Sister Wound: I Love Her… But She Drains Me😭❤️‍🩹 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Appogiae production.
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  Speaker 2: I need your advice.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't be too much.
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  Speaker 1: Bring it in.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment, My gold, my girl, this
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  Speaker 2: is the place for you.
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  Speaker 1: Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Beautiful ladies, Welcome back
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  Speaker 1: to our bestI segment of the week. Today is all
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  Speaker 1: about a sister wound. I don't have a sister, but
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  Speaker 1: I feel like sisters can relate to friends, cousins, any
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  Speaker 1: females in your life. So Tiana, what have you got
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  Speaker 1: for us today?
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  Speaker 2: Definitely can All right, let's do it, hi, ladies, I
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  Speaker 2: really need some advice. I hate my sister. Okay, I
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  Speaker 2: don't actually hate her, but I am so done. Sorry,
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  Speaker 2: this is a long one. For context, I'm twenty five
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  Speaker 2: and have a twin. We were always close growing up,
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  Speaker 2: but we've been on very different paths. I've always been
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  Speaker 2: gold driven, mature for my age, and clear about what
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  Speaker 2: I want in life. My sister, on the other hand,
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  Speaker 2: tends to wait for them to fall into place or
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  Speaker 2: just copies me because it's easier. When I bought my
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  Speaker 2: first car, she got the same one. When I started
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  Speaker 2: dating my best friend now husband, she started dating hers,
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  Speaker 2: She's always compared herself to me. Fast forward. Now, I'm
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  Speaker 2: married with two beautiful kids. I've been with my husband
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  Speaker 2: for ten years and we're solid. I'm also a manager
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  Speaker 2: in a field I studied and am now deeply passionate about.
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  Speaker 2: I've worked so hard to get where I am. But unfortunately,
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  Speaker 2: my life's sister looks very different. She has a failed
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  Speaker 2: marriage and is raising a child with some minor medical
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  Speaker 2: needs of her own. She is still in her first
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  Speaker 2: retail job after eleven years, with no desire for growth.
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  Speaker 2: I genuinely have sympathy that she didn't choose this path,
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  Speaker 2: but she has had so much for port from our
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  Speaker 2: parents and from me in the past. But she walks
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  Speaker 2: all over everyone and treats them terribly. She expects everyone
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  Speaker 2: to drop everything for her, even when she's clearly capable
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  Speaker 2: of managing herself. She constantly overreacts to minor comments and
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  Speaker 2: snaps of people, often taking things way out of context.
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  Speaker 2: She even yelled at my kids during family dinner for
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  Speaker 2: being too loud, then back pedaled so that she could
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  Speaker 2: still seem like the cool aunt. We're all afraid of
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  Speaker 2: how she'll react if we stand up for ourselves. This
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  Speaker 2: has been going on since we were teenagers. My parents
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  Speaker 2: always say she doesn't mean it, she just has anxiety
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  Speaker 2: she's projecting, and yes, that may be true, but it
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  Speaker 2: doesn't justify yelling at or belittling her family. It's getting exhausting.
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  Speaker 2: When she does come to me for advice about motherhood,
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  Speaker 2: my weight loss, or my career, she always deflects. I
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  Speaker 2: get comments like, you're just so lucky to have money,
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  Speaker 2: or you just bounce back after pregnancy, or at least
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  Speaker 2: you have a husband to support you. I lost thirty
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  Speaker 2: killers after my second baby. My marriage has high and lows,
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  Speaker 2: so has my career. But none of this was luck.
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  Speaker 2: It's taken so much work, and I'm really proud of
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  Speaker 2: the life that I've built and truths to be told,
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  Speaker 2: I'm actually really happy, but of victim mentality and complete
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  Speaker 2: lack of accountability. I'm so over it. Now. She wants
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  Speaker 2: to reconnect and spend more time together, but honestly, she
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  Speaker 2: drains me. My mood shifts when we're in the same room.
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  Speaker 2: So here's what I'm asking. Do I keep quiet for
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  Speaker 2: the sake of family peace, or do I say something
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to cause drama? But I'm at the
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  Speaker 2: point where resentment is growing, and I'd rather speak up
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  Speaker 2: from a place of love and kindness before I hit
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  Speaker 2: my limit and it comes out in frustration or anger.
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  Speaker 2: What would you, ladies do? Please help exactly what you
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  Speaker 2: just said? I love this.
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  Speaker 1: I love the end because you've looked at both options.
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  Speaker 1: But I think you've already made your decision that last one,
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  Speaker 1: Like you'd rather speak from kindness and love and also
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  Speaker 1: your own boundaries as to what you're going to allow
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  Speaker 1: and accept because it's impacting you, which then impacts your kids,
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  Speaker 1: your family. You don't have your energy, your mood, and
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  Speaker 1: you're better off to have it all there. And then
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  Speaker 1: if she can't receive that or isn't willing to meet you,
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  Speaker 1: then the boundaries have to get firmer. Unfortunately, just because
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  Speaker 1: they're family, it doesn't mean you have to be super
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  Speaker 1: close to them. That life is not always thicker you know, No,
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  Speaker 1: absolutely not.
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  Speaker 2: And if it was somebody else who weren't family, like,
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  Speaker 2: how would you react? How would you respond? We are
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  Speaker 2: much more lenient and much more patient when it comes
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  Speaker 2: to family, but that can also result in a lot
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  Speaker 2: of times us really pushing through our own limitations and
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  Speaker 2: boundaries just so that we can keep the peace because
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  Speaker 2: they're family.
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  Speaker 1: Family, don't bendy, Yeah yeah, absolutely, then resentment grows absolutely.
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  Speaker 2: And I think maybe what it sounds like to me
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  Speaker 2: is that you've already done the people pleasing, the sweeping,
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  Speaker 2: you know, the suppressing, not worrying about how you feel,
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  Speaker 2: and you know, just letting her do her thing. But
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  Speaker 2: that's clearly not working for you, and I think that
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  Speaker 2: is something to pay attention to. And you know, you
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  Speaker 2: know that resmbment builds when you don't speak up. So
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  Speaker 2: I truly believe that this is an opportunity for a
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  Speaker 2: fresh start and a clean slate of Okay, she's willing
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  Speaker 2: to come back now, Okay, cool. But in order for
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  Speaker 2: us to have a clean slate, we need to talk
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  Speaker 2: about a few things first before we can even consider
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  Speaker 2: moving forward with a relationship. And oftentimes, what I've noticed
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  Speaker 2: in my past is whenever I've felt drained around somebody,
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  Speaker 2: it's because I feel like I have to show up
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  Speaker 2: in a way that abandons myself. I feel drained because
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  Speaker 2: I abandon myself. Whereas if I were to stay in
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  Speaker 2: that same environment and I set boundaries, I actually don't
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  Speaker 2: feel drained anymore. So I wonder if there's a conversation
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  Speaker 2: you can have with yourself around what is it that
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  Speaker 2: you're doing when you're around her that is abandoning your needs,
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  Speaker 2: abandoning what you truly think and believe, and actually start
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  Speaker 2: implementing those things when you're surrounded by her, so that
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  Speaker 2: you don't have to feel like I'm absorbing her energy
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  Speaker 2: or I'm having to suppress what's important to me me
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  Speaker 2: and not show up in a way that I want
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  Speaker 2: to show up as because I'm trying to keep the peace.
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  Speaker 1: I think from what I'm hearing in her submission to
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  Speaker 1: is that when they have spoken up, she yells, she deflects,
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  Speaker 1: she projects. So that's why she doesn't show up politically,
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  Speaker 1: because it's like her kids are around. It affects your
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  Speaker 1: energy of it. Obviously we don't know your sister, but
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  Speaker 1: if she's someone that would respond better to like a
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  Speaker 1: written letter or like a voice note or something where
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  Speaker 1: she's then got time to process and come back to you,
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  Speaker 1: I like that FaceTime or face to face going for
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  Speaker 1: a walk, like I wonder if you figure out what
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  Speaker 1: would be the most comfortable and like open space for
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  Speaker 1: you guys, to have a conversation. I love the sandwich
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  Speaker 1: approach too. It's like, I love your fire, I love
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  Speaker 1: your passion. I love that you're so opinionated, something I
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  Speaker 1: really love about you. If she's such tearing, however, sometimes
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  Speaker 1: it could come across XYZ, which makes me feel XYZ.
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  Speaker 1: So then when we're together, I don't feel safe and
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  Speaker 1: I don't feel like I can open.
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  Speaker 2: Up to you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's created cracks and distrust in the relationship. For
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  Speaker 1: us to rebuild from here, I would need XYZ for you.
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  Speaker 1: Love how you meet me there, love that, and then
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  Speaker 1: it's like she won't feel as attacked and criticized.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, or even like there could be a way that
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  Speaker 2: you pre frame the conversation too, of like, yeah, in
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  Speaker 2: the past, I've noticed you've behaved like this, and it
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  Speaker 2: makes me feel a little bit scared to bring this in. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: do you think that we could have a conversation where
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  Speaker 2: it doesn't result in us getting angry at each other,
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  Speaker 2: But if we could just hold space for each other,
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  Speaker 2: because I'd love to have a conversation and really not
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  Speaker 2: this out together. Yes, but I think we need to
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  Speaker 2: be able to communicate back and forth for that to happen.
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  Speaker 1: And if she's someone that over talks to a talking
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  Speaker 1: stick's good. I know it sounds silly. Oh yeah, some
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  Speaker 1: people that have, like if you've got too fiery personalities,
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  Speaker 1: two very opinionated people, or if you're just in a
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  Speaker 1: lot of conflict. A coach once taught me this, like
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  Speaker 1: have a talking stick, and whoever's got the stick, no
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  Speaker 1: one else can talk. It's like you've got to be quiet,
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  Speaker 1: like everything out, and then when they're finished, they can
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  Speaker 1: hand the talking stick over and it's your turn to talk. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: just prevents anyone over to and be like, oh but
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  Speaker 1: you said bad da dah.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, it's like I.
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  Speaker 1: Haven't finished what I'm saying and now I've lost my
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  Speaker 1: train of thought, and like, now don't feel respected by
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  Speaker 1: you and you're just listening to respond instead of actually
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  Speaker 1: listening to hear what I'm saying. If she's a bit
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  Speaker 1: fiy like that might be some You can make it
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  Speaker 1: playful too, definitely, No, get a kid's freaking I don't know,
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  Speaker 1: flute or something. Is that talking stick? I love that
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  Speaker 1: the fluod that's fun.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know. I think with situations like this,
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  Speaker 2: when you've done something one way your whole life and
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  Speaker 2: it's still not working. And it's been like this since
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  Speaker 2: you're teenagers. That's when you know things like it's time
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  Speaker 2: to change, it's time for something to change. And I
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  Speaker 2: truly believe that it only takes one person in our
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  Speaker 2: dynamic of two for the dynamic to change. And I
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  Speaker 2: believe that because I've done it with my mum and
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  Speaker 2: I've had both with family members. She's not willing, yes, true,
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  Speaker 2: but we can lead in going first. And I think
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  Speaker 2: that the more that somebody is exposed to that, the
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  Speaker 2: more that they naturally take on what it is the
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  Speaker 2: way that you are. You know, they may not be willing,
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  Speaker 2: they may not be ready to go there yet, but
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  Speaker 2: by that constant exposure, I do think that it naturally
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  Speaker 2: impacts them, whether they consciously choose for it to or not.
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  Speaker 1: I agree with what you're saying, but also like, it's
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  Speaker 1: very draining when you're constantly leading and constantly trying to
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  Speaker 1: do it. So of course you just know limits, of course,
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  Speaker 1: and some people like for me, if it was you
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  Speaker 1: or Steve, it's worth the constant trying because I value
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  Speaker 1: the relationship so much For someone who I'm not as
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  Speaker 1: connected with or I feel like they don't has much respect,
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  Speaker 1: or I feel like they're never going to get there
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  Speaker 1: because I'm like, oh my gosh, I tried. Some times
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  Speaker 1: I'll be like, oh, I'm exhausted, and this is taking
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  Speaker 1: away from other people that important to me. Now, So
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  Speaker 1: it's like you know your limits.
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  Speaker 2: Definitely, and then try and then it's yeah, you're right.
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  Speaker 2: It's choosing your battles, choosing what's worth the energy what's not.
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  Speaker 2: And then that's where the internal boundaries have to come
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  Speaker 2: in of Okay, is this argument right now worth me
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  Speaker 2: speaking up, worth me trying, worth me communicating, or is
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  Speaker 2: this one of those moments where I know she's totally
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  Speaker 2: committed to misunderstanding me and she's not willing to hear me,
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  Speaker 2: she's not willing to meet me in the middle. Then
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  Speaker 2: you go, okay, this is the moment where I pull back. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So, and it doesn't mean in family situations, because I
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  Speaker 1: know a lot of people that have this. It's like,
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: oh but Christmas and birthdays and you know, events and
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  Speaker 1: stuff where you all get together. It doesn't mean you
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  Speaker 1: have to completely avoid them or be rude or like
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  Speaker 1: have that yucking energy. You can still be civil. You
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: can be, so don't have to over extend yourself to
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  Speaker 1: the point where it's training your energy and impacting how
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  Speaker 1: you are.
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  Speaker 2: With your kids. Yeah, they just only get so much
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  Speaker 2: of you. Yeah know, this relationship stops here, can only
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  Speaker 2: go so far. Yes, they can only go so deep.
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  Speaker 2: So you just some people you do have to accept
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  Speaker 2: that's where they're at. No, everyone's at the same place
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  Speaker 2: as you. And obviously mentally she hasn't done as much
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  Speaker 2: self development and she's not as self aware, and she's
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  Speaker 2: quite dysregulated by the sounds and also going through a
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  Speaker 2: really hard time. And don't condone the behavior. But yeah,
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  Speaker 2: she's obviously not able to meet you where you're at
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  Speaker 2: right now. And sometimes it is acceptance of like that's
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  Speaker 2: where they're at. Yeah, they've all got capacity.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I've got people in our lives that we are like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: they're just not going to go any further than this.
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  Speaker 1: We do love you from a fark and I will
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  Speaker 1: always be here for you. Yeah, but it's like there's
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  Speaker 1: boundaries for sure, small doses definitely more.
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  Speaker 2: No, it's true. Yeah, it's a tough one. Family is
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  Speaker 2: a tough one. But I truly believe you can be
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  Speaker 2: willing to honor yourself in family, you can do it
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  Speaker 2: everywhere else, to true, everywhere else will be easy because
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  Speaker 2: this is the hardest place.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, actually most plugged in biologically.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you just know that that's supposed to be
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  Speaker 2: your place of ultimate safety. You know, this is my foundation,
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  Speaker 2: This is you know, if I don't have anybody else,
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  Speaker 2: this is where I'm supposed to lean on for the
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  Speaker 2: most part.
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  Speaker 1: Roland.
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  Speaker 2: So yeah, I think if you can be willing to
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  Speaker 2: honor yourself and that, I think you'll be really proud
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  Speaker 2: of yourself. And then you'll get to a point where
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  Speaker 2: it doesn't matter how she's behaving or what she's choosing
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  Speaker 2: for herself. You'll know in her own timeline, she'll be ready.
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  Speaker 2: That's not in my control. The only thing I can
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  Speaker 2: control is what I choose, how I treat her, how
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: I treat the rest of my family, and how I
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: choose to let this impact me emotionally and physically.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, absolutely love that would love an update how
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  Speaker 1: you approach this, how it goes down, how she receives it. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: have another submission of love to give an update.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, if you already know what to do, girl.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, you got this. See you guys, will see you
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  Speaker 1: next tomorrow.
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  Speaker 2: Bye tomorrow.