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The High Cost of Betrayal: Healing After Infidelity · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing marriage well for September 5, 2026. The high cost of betrayal,
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  healing and accountability after infidelity.
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  I had not planned to do a sex application this week, but as I wrote through
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  the apology post, I realized I needed to discuss how the things I've talked
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  about this week apply to infidelity.
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  I'm going to cast a wide net here for infidelity, including porn use and emotional affairs.
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  If you think either of those is not a violation of the marriage bed,
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  I'd ask you to seek God on that.
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  As you might suspect, Lori and I have dealt with a lot of folks dealing with
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  infidelity, and we've heard a lot of justifications and excuses,
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  none of which was being accepted by the wrong spouse.
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  So let's run through a few things.
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  We didn't have sex. I've heard far too many say this.
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  Men tend to focus on sex, but women look more at relationships.
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  Most women would be less upset by a one-off with a prostitute than months of an emotional affair.
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  It's just pictures. She doesn't feel that way, sir, and you're not going to
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  convince her it was not a violation, and trying to do so will get in the way
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  of healing and restoration.
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  You made me do it. Yes, we can push our spouse to temptation,
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  and the Bible says we will be held accountable for doing that.
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  But the choice to sin is still ours, and we need to fully own it.
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  Ending Contact It's entirely understandable for your spouse to want you to never
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  again see the person you cheated with.
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  If that means changing divisions or jobs, then you do that.
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  Ideally, you will have done that without your spouse saying anything You owe
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  them information Some folks don't want to know anything Others want all the
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  details This may or may not be good for them, but it's not your call,
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  If your spouse has a vivid imagination, what they imagine you did will be far
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  worse than what you actually did,
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  Healing takes time Sex is intimate and personal, and that makes sexual sin hurt
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  more than other violations.
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  Forgiving you doesn't magically make it okay. Most couples should get help working through infidelity.
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  Fixing sex will be difficult. This is an extension of the last one.
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  When they try to have sex with you, they will think about what you did.
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  They might be enjoying sex, then a thought of you or the other person crashes
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  in, and suddenly they don't want you touching them.
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  Initially, you should graciously accept this as part of the cost of what you did.
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  If it doesn't start to get better after a few months, get help.
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  Fixing trust happens slowly. If you cheated, your spouse will be suspicious when you come home late.
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  If it was porn, they will worry about you doing it again.
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  This is natural, and since you have violated their trust, it's on you.
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  Getting upset about this will only make things worse. If you walk the straight
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  and narrow for six months and your spouse is still paranoid all the time,
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  they may need to get help for that.
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  But them getting past it slower than you think they should is not something you should bring up.
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  Let me close with an example of amazing grace and forgiveness in the face of
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  sexual betrayal. We met a pastor and his wife.
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  The pastor had realized he needed to confess his porn habit to her.
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  She cried. He made promises. She forgave him.
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  And then she took him to bed and made love with him.
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  Afterwards, she told him, I know we can get through this and I know you can beat the porn.
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  The pastor told me what she did made him feel deeply loved and horribly ashamed
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  of what he had done to her.
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  Her actions also made it much easier for him to stay clean. I'd also note that
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  she was able to do what she did because her husband owned what he had done and apologized well.
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  I'm not saying everyone should do what this woman did. Some could not,
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  and frankly, some should not, but it is an example of the power of grace and forgiveness.
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  This is Paul, and sexual sin is a marriage crisis.