Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 192: The Stories We Tell Ourselves & The Meanings We Create: Separating Fact from Fiction

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192: The Stories We Tell Ourselves & The Meanings We Create: Separating Fact from Fiction · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:25
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:27
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I help highly sensitive people find more peace by learning to feel less personally responsible for other people's emotions.
• 0:34
  And today I want to talk to you about one of the most freeing concepts that you'll ever learn.
• 0:40
  And it's a very simple idea, but it can be a bit more challenging to execute.
• 0:44
  Okay?
• 0:45
  So in a nutshell, it's this idea that circumstances are neutral until we have a thought about it.
• 0:51
  And I can already hear you saying, no, that's not neutral.
• 0:54
  Didn't you hear what my mother-in-law said to me?
• 0:56
  Didn't you hear that tone that my coworker used with me?
• 1:00
  Didn't you see my partner's face when they said that?
• 1:03
  That is the reason why I'm upset.
• 1:05
  Now for many of us who are highly sensitive people or recovering people pleasers, it can really feel like the world around us is dictating how it's that we feel.
• 1:12
  We are especially attuned to other people's microexpressions, the words that they use and the inflection that they use when they're using those words.
• 1:21
  Right?
• 1:21
  And also it's the thought or the meaning that we're choosing to assign to our circumstances that is actually dictating how it is that we feel.
• 1:31
  Not the circumstances themselves.
• 1:32
  And once we're able to fully recognize that, then we can stand in our own power and start to choose more supportive thoughts and more supportive stories.
• 1:41
  It is when we start to slow down and separate out what actually happened, the facts of what actually happened with what it is that we're choosing to make it mean, that we start to see how much power we actually do have over our lived experience.
• 1:54
  But before we really dive into what this looks like, I want to define what a circumstance is.
• 2:00
  A circumstance is extremely factual.
• 2:03
  It's something that you could take to a court of law, and everybody in there would agree that yes, that is true.
• 2:08
  That's a fact.
• 2:09
  That's exactly what happened.
• 2:11
  Whereas our thoughts are basically the story that we have read the circumstances through, right?
• 2:16
  So it's what we're choosing to make our circumstances mean.
• 2:19
  So for example, at the time of this recording, my backyard is absolutely covered in Maple Leaves.
• 2:24
  I have, I dunno, six or eight maple trees out there and they all dump their leaves at the same time.
• 2:29
  It's funny because the backyard has dumped leaves and the front yard still hasn't kind of funny, but anyway, the backyard is covered in leaves.
• 2:36
  The ground is completely covered.
• 2:38
  So everybody that would look in my backyard would say, oh yeah, the backyard is covered in maple leaves.
• 2:42
  Yep.
• 2:43
  And additionally, everybody's going to have a different story about my maple leaves.
• 2:47
  So the fact is completely neutral and that's that my backyard is covered.
• 2:52
  But one person might look at my backyard and go, oh my gosh, that is so embarrassing.
• 2:56
  Those dropped like three or four days ago.
• 2:58
  I can't believe they're still on the ground.
• 3:00
  You should really take care of that.
• 3:01
  I can't believe how awful it looks.
• 3:03
  And somebody else might say, oh my gosh, that is so beautiful.
• 3:07
  You should definitely go out there and get some family photos taken in those leaves because they're so pretty.
• 3:12
  And somebody else might say, you really should rake that up.
• 3:15
  It's gonna cause a big mess.
• 3:16
  It's gonna get so slippery as soon as the snow falls.
• 3:19
  If you don't take care of it right away, it's gonna be a big problem for you.
• 3:22
  And somebody else might say.
• 3:23
  Don't touch the leaves.
• 3:25
  Those are for the bugs.
• 3:26
  If you wanna have a good microbiome for your backyard, don't rake the leaves.
• 3:30
  Leave them exactly as they are.
• 3:32
  Just let mother nature do her thing.
• 3:33
  So everybody's going to have a different story around it.
• 3:37
  But all of those stories are not facts.
• 3:39
  they're just story.
• 3:40
  Okay.
• 3:41
  So see if you can start to separate out the facts from your story about the facts.
• 3:45
  And you can start with something neutral like leaves in your backyard, and then kind of see if you can play around with it in more intense situations as well.
• 3:52
  So let me share a few more examples to kind of help to illustrate this point a little bit more.
• 3:58
  Let's say that you're divorced.
• 3:59
  Being divorced is a neutral circumstance until we have a thought about it.
• 4:04
  And I know some of you're already reacting because you feel very strongly about the fact that you're divorced, but one way that we can know that divorce is a neutral circumstance is that everybody responds differently to divorce.
• 4:15
  So yeah, it's easy to assume that, oh, hey, you are divorced too, so you totally must understand! However, just because someone is divorced, it doesn't mean that they feel the same way about it.
• 4:24
  It doesn't mean that they have the same experience.
• 4:27
  There are some people that are really upset that they're divorced.
• 4:29
  It's absolutely the worst thing that could have ever happened to them.
• 4:32
  And there's other people that are honestly quite elated.
• 4:36
  They're just so glad to have it done and over with that they're going out to celebrate with friends as soon as it's all finalized.
• 4:40
  And of course, there's everything in between, right?
• 4:43
  So divorce in and of itself is completely neutral, and it's what you choose to think about it that's going to impact how you feel.
• 4:50
  So for example, maybe you're thinking this is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
• 4:55
  If that's your thought, you're probably going to be experiencing a lot of fear and sadness, fear around the unknown, sadness that something is over.
• 5:02
  Maybe you're also experiencing some insecurity around, I just don't know if I can make it work on my own.
• 5:08
  Or maybe you're thinking, ah.
• 5:11
  This is my chance to start over.
• 5:13
  Now, if that's your thought, you're probably going to be experiencing a lot of hope for the future and probably some relief that, yeah, I finally get a clean slate.
• 5:21
  I get to start over.
• 5:22
  I can finally do what it is that I want to do without feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.
• 5:27
  This is the best thing to ever happen to me.
• 5:29
  Right?
• 5:30
  Or maybe you're thinking something more neutral.
• 5:32
  Like, you know what?
• 5:33
  We did the best that we could and now we both have space to heal.
• 5:37
  A thought like that is going to be creating feelings of acceptance and peace.
• 5:41
  So divorce itself is just a neutral fact.
• 5:44
  It doesn't mean anything until you have a thought about it.
• 5:46
  And it's how you think about it that's going to be shaping how it is that you feel and how it is that you're moving through that lived experience.
• 5:53
  Okay.
• 5:53
  Another example, you texted your partner and it's been three hours and they haven't texted back.
• 6:00
  Now me just saying that you're probably already having an emotional reaction to that, right?
• 6:04
  So notice inside of yourself, okay, what comes up for me?
• 6:07
  How would I feel if I texted my partner and three hours later I hadn't heard from them?
• 6:13
  What would I be thinking and feeling?
• 6:15
  Now again, notice that there's a thought that comes right before that emotion and that's going to be shaping your story.
• 6:20
  So if you're thinking, oh no, they must be upset with me, then you're probably going to be experiencing a lot of anxiety around their silence.
• 6:28
  Or maybe you're thinking, oh no, I'm so scared.
• 6:30
  They probably got in a car accident.
• 6:32
  Something is terribly wrong.
• 6:33
  This isn't like them.
• 6:34
  That's gonna create yet another emotional experience.
• 6:37
  Right.
• 6:38
  Or maybe you're thinking, you know what, they're probably just busy.
• 6:40
  It's no big deal.
• 6:41
  And if that's what you're thinking, then you're probably gonna be experiencing calm.
• 6:45
  And trust in the relationship that it's gonna be okay.
• 6:48
  They're gonna respond when they're able to.
• 6:50
  Or maybe you're even thinking, you know what?
• 6:52
  They must be getting so much done at work.
• 6:53
  I'm so happy for them.
• 6:54
  I'm so proud of them.
• 6:55
  They're such an amazing provider.
• 6:57
  And if that's the case, you're gonna be feeling very supportive and proud of them for being so productive.
• 7:02
  Right?
• 7:02
  So again, the neutral circumstance only becomes emotionally charged when we're trying to interpret it through our own story.
• 7:10
  So here's a holiday example.
• 7:12
  You were in charge of the Turkey this year, and when your mother-in-law took a bite, she said,"will somebody passed the gravy?
• 7:18
  This bird's a little dry." So many thoughts come up, right?
• 7:22
  So you might be thinking, oh, the audacity to criticize me and my cooking, oh, she's a horrible human, right?
• 7:29
  This thought may create a lot of feelings of anger and resentment specifically towards your mother-in-law.
• 7:34
  That's not gonna be helpful for you in your holiday.
• 7:37
  Or maybe you're thinking, you know what?
• 7:38
  I like gravy on my Turkey too.
• 7:40
  If you're thinking a thought like that, that might actually build some common ground with your mother-in-law, and that could also shape how the holiday turns out.
• 7:48
  Or maybe you're thinking, yeah, actually it is pretty dry.
• 7:51
  I'm glad that we have a good gravy to go on top.
• 7:54
  Now as somebody who has made a dry bird before, I've had that exact thought, I know I can make a really mean gravy, the bird, it's always kind of iffy on if it's gonna turn out or not.
• 8:02
  I have finally mastered the brine.
• 8:04
  I love a b brined Turkey.
• 8:05
  It seems to really make it a lot more moist, but oh my goodness, as I was learning to make Turkey, that was my year more often than not, was, oh my goodness, I'm so grateful for gravy.
• 8:14
  Now, all of these thoughts will have a significant impact on how it is that you're feeling and how it is that you're showing up at this holiday dinner.
• 8:21
  Okay.
• 8:22
  All right.
• 8:23
  Another example, your friend has just canceled plans.
• 8:26
  You are planning to meet up in an hour or so, but you just got a text and it contained five words.
• 8:32
  It said I can't make it tonight.
• 8:35
  The words your friend texted is the fact that's neutral.
• 8:39
  Everybody in a court of law could see that yes, that's exactly what the friend said.
• 8:42
  That is a hundred percent true.
• 8:45
  And then notice what thoughts you might have around that.
• 8:47
  Okay?
• 8:48
  So you might be thinking something like, you know what to cancel plans.
• 8:51
  this short of notice.
• 8:51
  They must not actually value or respect this friendship.
• 8:55
  I feel so disrespected right now.
• 8:57
  I'm not even sure for friends anymore.
• 8:59
  Now, if that's the case, if that's what it is that you're thinking, you're gonna be feeling very hurt and disrespected.
• 9:04
  It's going to create feelings of distance in your relationship with your friend.
• 9:09
  Or maybe you have a thought that, well, I don't know what's going on for them because they didn't tell me.
• 9:13
  They just said, I can't make it tonight.
• 9:15
  But I trust that they're taking care of themselves and that something came up for them and there's something they need to do, and I'm just so happy for them.
• 9:22
  I'm happy that they're able to do that, and I'm happy We have a kind of relationship where it's okay for us to cancel plans, and it doesn't mean the end of the relationship.
• 9:30
  If those are your thoughts, then you're gonna be experiencing some peace and understanding in that relationship.
• 9:35
  You're gonna recognize that I might not understand why they can't be here, but I do trust and understand that they're doing what it is that they need to do, and those kind of thoughts will be more beneficial for the relationship.
• 9:45
  Or you might even be thinking something like, oh my gosh, I am actually so relieved that they canceled because now I can rest too.
• 9:51
  I thought I wanted to go to this thing, and now I'm so tired and I really didn't wanna go.
• 9:55
  I am so relieved that they canceled.
• 9:58
  Now, if that's the case, then you're gonna be feeling a lot of relief in relationship and gratitude, which is also going to have a significant impact on that relationship.
• 10:07
  Many highly sensitive people have been conditioned to believe that it is their job to manage everybody else's comfort level.
• 10:13
  We have been conditioned to believe that it's our job to interpret what it is that they're trying to say and what it is that things actually mean.
• 10:20
  However, when we're trying to intuit what it is they actually mean, rather than just taking things at face value, we're creating a lot of story.
• 10:28
  And these stories may be creating the opposite of what it is that we're seeking, which means that instead of experiencing love and connection, we may be creating distance and resentment.
• 10:40
  You are not responsible for what other people think, feel, or do.
• 10:44
  You are only responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, and separating out your story from the facts, it can help you to do exactly that.
• 10:53
  So I'm gonna share a little exercise with you that I really enjoy doing for myself.
• 10:56
  And honestly, I also do this oftentimes in my coaching practice because it can really be helpful to visually show you what the facts are and how much story you're creating around the facts.
• 11:06
  So what I like to do is just kind of do a thought download.
• 11:09
  So it's writing down everything, everything that happened.
• 11:12
  Why is it that you're feeling the way that you are?
• 11:13
  Write down your whole story.
• 11:15
  And then using two different colors of highlighters.
• 11:17
  Go through and highlight in one color, highlight what the facts are, and in another color, highlight your story.
• 11:24
  Now it's really interesting'cause when I do this for myself and with other people, oftentimes when I get these paragraphs of stories, there's usually like two or three facts that are in there and the rest of it is story paragraph.
• 11:37
  After paragraph is just story.
• 11:39
  We have two or three facts.
• 11:40
  The rest is story.
• 11:41
  And so let me kind of just share an example of what this might look like.
• 11:44
  So let's say for example, that I have invited my husband to go to an event with me.
• 11:48
  I said, Hey, I was wondering if you wanna go to this event with me, what do you think?
• 11:51
  And he might say, sure, I'll go with you.
• 11:53
  And then he'll turn around and leave the room and then I can notice what's coming up for me, right?
• 11:58
  So if I'm doing a thought download on this, I might write down something like I asked him if he wanted to go and then he said yes, but then he left the room, and why did he hurry up and leave the room?
• 12:07
  What's going on?
• 12:08
  Something must be going on.
• 12:09
  He's probably trying to hide something from me.
• 12:11
  He doesn't actually wanna go.
• 12:13
  He's trying to hide the fact that he doesn't actually wanna go with me.
• 12:16
  My marriage is probably in trouble.
• 12:18
  He's telling me he wants to go with me, but he doesn't wanna go with me and he's trying to hide it from me.
• 12:22
  And now we're keeping secrets.
• 12:23
  And now I'm gonna have to spend the whole night feeling guilty for even inviting him in the first place.
• 12:27
  And I'm gonna be walking on eggshells, trying to make sure he has a really good time because I just feel so bad I invited him to something he doesn't even wanna come to.
• 12:33
  And so then the story kind of goes on and on and on, right?
• 12:36
  I might be thinking I should have never asked him to go with me in the first place.
• 12:40
  So there is so much story around it, but really the only fact is that my husband said he'd go with me and then he'd turn and left the room.
• 12:47
  And there could be any number of reasons why he did that.
• 12:51
  Okay.
• 12:52
  The brain is gonna wanna fill in the story.
• 12:54
  Brains are amazing at storytelling.
• 12:57
  They want to fill in the gaps, and they're really good at confirmation bias too.
• 13:01
  So if you're already thinking something like, I'm a burden on everybody else, your brain is going to look for evidence that, yeah, you're right, you are a burden.
• 13:08
  They don't really wanna hang out with you.
• 13:10
  I can't believe you asked your husband to go with you to that event, but the truth is that there's many reasons why he might have turned around and left the room.
• 13:16
  Maybe he needed to use the restroom.
• 13:18
  Maybe he was thinking, oh, I wanna wear that really nice shirt to this event, so I better go start some laundry.
• 13:23
  Or maybe he went to iron something.
• 13:25
  Maybe he wanted to hurry and finish up a project so he could be free that evening to go with me.
• 13:29
  There could be any number of reasons why he turned around and left the room.
• 13:34
  But what I choose to believe about why he left the room is going to have a significant impact on how it is that I'm feeling and how it is that I'm showing up in my relationship.
• 13:44
  We are really good at writing stories.
• 13:46
  We are in fact the best storytellers.
• 13:49
  I think I have several episodes on storytelling.
• 13:51
  I'll link those in the show notes because it's been a hot minute since we've talked about storytelling.
• 13:55
  But our human brains are amazing at writing stories, and once you're able to slow down the mind enough to identify that, oh look, my brain is telling me a story, and that story is optional, that's when you're really going to feel empowered and be able to create the life that you want on purpose.
• 14:13
  This means that rather than emotionally reacting to the story in our head, we're able to consciously choose our story and then respond rather than react emotionally.
• 14:25
  So this is your challenge for the week, is pick one situation that's been bothering you, and then write down your whole story about it.
• 14:30
  Write down all the details, get it all out.
• 14:32
  And sometimes honestly, just reading the story, it can help us to see that.
• 14:35
  Okay.
• 14:36
  Yeah, I was probably exaggerating a little bit when I said that, right?
• 14:39
  Like, of course my marriage isn't over because my husband walked out of the room after saying you wanted to go out with me.
• 14:44
  Right?
• 14:44
  So it can help us to see things a little bit more clearly, just to write it down.
• 14:49
  But it's also helpful to just separate out the facts from our story.
• 14:53
  Remember that the facts are the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
• 14:56
  That's something that could be proven in a court of law, and everything else is just story, and your story is 100% optional.
• 15:06
  Now, just for fun, as we close out, I wanna kind of play around a little bit with the idea of this husband example.
• 15:12
  Okay?
• 15:12
  So husband said he would go and then he left the room.
• 15:15
  Okay.
• 15:16
  Let's assume for a minute that it is true that he left the room because he doesn't actually wanna go.
• 15:20
  Guess what?
• 15:21
  That's husband's responsibility to communicate that.
• 15:25
  It is not your responsibility to divine that from the universe.
• 15:29
  The fact is that husband said he would come and then he left the room.
• 15:32
  So if husband doesn't want to come, it is his responsibility to come and tell you it is not your responsibility to divine that or to intuit that.
• 15:41
  Okay.
• 15:41
  It is his responsibility to communicate that.
• 15:44
  And it may be the case that if you've been people pleasing your whole life, you've trained both of you to believe that it is your responsibility, but it's not your responsibility.
• 15:52
  Okay?
• 15:52
  So look at the facts.
• 15:54
  And also, it's a lot easier to have conversations about the facts when we can explicitly state them.
• 15:58
  So if you did wanna start a conversation, you could say, Hey, you said you wanted to come, and then you left the room.
• 16:03
  Why'd you leave the room?
• 16:04
  You can just ask a question about it and that's okay.
• 16:06
  And then you can hear his story.
• 16:07
  He can have an opportunity to communicate with you.
• 16:11
  So separating out the facts from the story can also help each of you to be more accountable for how it's that you're showing up because it is not a fact.
• 16:17
  Whatever it is that you are thinking or that he is.
• 16:20
  Thinking, thoughts cannot be proven in a court of law, not the thoughts in your mind, not the thoughts in their mind.
• 16:24
  So stick with the facts and see how that can change your relationship when you just decide to let go of story or to ask questions to get a more clear factual story rather than just following the stories in your head.
• 16:36
  Okay, so again, your challenge for this week is to pick one thing that's bothering you, write down everything you wanna write down about it, and then see if you can separate out the circumstances from the story that you have about it.
• 16:47
  Okay.
• 16:47
  And maybe if you want to start with a story that's a bit more neutral, like the leaves in the backyard, just notice what your story is.
• 16:53
  If I asked myself, what's my story about the leaves?
• 16:56
  Do I have a story about the leaves?
• 16:57
  Do I have a story about whose responsibility it is to clean up the leaves?
• 17:00
  Do I have a story about when they should be cleaned up?
• 17:03
  Who should clean them up?
• 17:04
  Do we want to mulch them or rake them?
• 17:06
  Do I have a story in my head and have I clearly communicated that or am I keeping that story in my head?
• 17:13
  Notice how when we're more clear and can create more factual stories, how much it can actually create more trust in relationship because we're able to believe each other rather than emotionally react to these imaginary stories in our head.
• 17:26
  If this episode has resonated with you, and if you're ready to start untangling your thoughts from your circumstances, I would love to support you.
• 17:33
  This is one of my most favorite things to do on coaching calls is just help people to better identify what it is their mind is creating so they can find a more supportive story for them, one that better serves them and their relationships, one that helps to alleviate anxiety rather than reinforce it.
• 17:50
  So if you're ready to experience more out of life, come and work with me.
• 17:54
  You can click the link in the show notes to come and book a free clarity call with me.
• 17:57
  This is a 100% free zero obligation call.
• 18:00
  It'll give us an opportunity to see where you're currently at, where it is you'd like to go, and how coaching can support you on your personal journey, so feel free to come and book a call with me.
• 18:10
  These are booking quickly for the holidays.
• 18:12
  A lot of people are wanting to gift themselves coaching for either the holidays or the new year.
• 18:17
  So if that is something that you would like to do, if you'd like help and support through the holidays and through the new year, come and book with me sooner rather than later because spaces are filling up quickly.
• 18:28
  All right, well, I hope you have a great week.
• 18:29
  Remember that you do deserve to take up space.
• 18:33
  Even in your own mind and I can show you how.
• 18:36
  Alright, have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 18:37
  Bye now.