Latest / AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation / [EP39] Why You're Always Saying Yes When You Mean No — And How to Stop

Transcript

[EP39] Why You're Always Saying Yes When You Mean No — And How to Stop · AWAKEN with Dylan Ayaloo: Inner Work, Healing, Yoga & Meditation

• 0:00
  The power of saying no and how boundaries can create freedom.
• 0:04
  So if you've ever said yes, when everything inside of you wanted to say no, what's actually been going on there?
• 0:11
  So what's going on internally?
• 0:13
  Maybe you didn't want to disappoint someone.
• 0:15
  Maybe you were scared they'd pull away.
• 0:18
  Maybe you've always just been the one who gives, right?
• 0:22
  You're afraid.
• 0:24
  Or maybe there's a truth there, right?
• 0:26
  So every time you say yes and when you mean no, you're actually abandoning yourself.
• 0:32
  And that disconnection compounds.
• 0:35
  It adds up right over time.
• 0:38
  So in this video, in this message today, I'll walk you through three parts.
• 0:43
  Why saying no is so hard for so many of us.
• 0:46
  And the hidden cost, as I talk about the economics of the story, the hidden cost of being nice all the time.
• 0:53
  and how boundaries aren't barriers and they're actually bridges to freedom and real connection.
• 1:00
  So first part, why saying no feels so hard? Let's be honest, most of us, we weren't taught
• 1:06
  how to say no, right? So let's just blame the people who taught us. We were taught how to
• 1:12
  please perform and be likable or we just learned. We taught ourselves, either we were taught or we
• 1:18
  taught ourselves by either being in certain environments or situations and it's shaping us
• 1:25
  in a certain way. And maybe that's just the best that we could do depending on whatever age that
• 1:30
  we were at. Either way, we learned this. You learn to associate no with rejection, guilt, being selfish,
• 1:39
  difficult, or too much. So what happens? You then ignore your capacity. You override your body
• 1:48
  And you say yes to avoid tension, not because it's true.
• 1:53
  But every false yes chips away at your self-trust.
• 1:58
  It's hard to trust yourself when you're actually really lying, right?
• 2:02
  From internally.
• 2:03
  And until you don't even know what you want anymore, right?
• 2:07
  So we just keep saying yes and losing a sense of ourself until you don't even know who the
• 2:11
  hell you are and what you want, right?
• 2:13
  So you're just completely unanchored.
• 2:15
  The second part of this is the cost of not having boundaries.
• 2:19
  There's four parts to it.
• 2:20
  First, resentment builds.
• 2:23
  Second, your needs get buried.
• 2:25
  Third, your energy depletes.
• 2:27
  Fourth, you feel disconnected from your truth.
• 2:30
  Let's talk about the first.
• 2:31
  Resentment builds.
• 2:32
  You say yes out of guilt and then feel bitter, used or unseen.
• 2:38
  So there's just this, it's always like that.
• 2:40
  When we're not truthful to ourselves, right?
• 2:44
  And then we just act out of that, let's say, untruth or lack of truth.
• 2:48
  On the outside, so everything's fine.
• 2:51
  But then on the inside, we get resentful and it just builds inside.
• 2:55
  And actually, that doesn't just go away.
• 2:57
  At some point, it will need to come out in some way.
• 3:00
  Either it's an explosion, implosion, or both, right?
• 3:03
  Something happens at some point to release it.
• 3:05
  And sometimes it's not even an explosion externally to someone.
• 3:08
  it could be an explosion internally and then our body gets sick right so we just land end up in
• 3:13
  hospital beds in a kind of extreme way or in less extreme ways we know we just get unwell or we just
• 3:19
  keep getting unwell something is out of alignment second one is your needs get buried you become the
• 3:25
  reliable one you become the strong one you're the one that always helps you're the one that always
• 3:29
  gives but no one really knows you right because you didn't really show you like you didn't actually
• 3:35
  say what you really want. Third, your energy depletes. Your nervous system stays in survival
• 3:41
  mode. You're always anticipating other people's needs and never meeting yours. So that means you
• 3:47
  are always in like alert mode, looking out for you need this or let me just and you're preempting.
• 3:53
  So you can't really relax even though sometimes people have put on a pretty good facade and they
• 3:58
  look like they're quite relaxed. Actually, it's just like a bit of a show and you're putting all
• 4:05
  then again, right, this leads to what I talked about in the first stage, which is resentment,
• 4:08
  which is build resentment. And number three, your energy depletes. Actually, I just talked about that.
• 4:14
  Number four, right, you feel disconnected from your truth. I mean, yes is automatic. Your no
• 4:22
  disappears. And so does your voice. So yes, yes, yes, yes to everything. And then your no just like
• 4:28
  dissipates and disappears. So where is your voice in that? Where is what you want, right? And maybe
• 4:35
  what you want is not always no, but when it is a no and you're not communicating it,
• 4:40
  then what's the impact of that? What's the result of that? So now let's look at boundaries and how
• 4:46
  boundaries can actually set you free and not to shut you down. So three ways boundaries can create
• 4:53
  freedom. First one, boundaries create emotional safety for you and others. Second is boundaries
• 4:59
  build self-trust. And third, boundaries deepen authentic connection. Let's look at this.
• 5:05
  Boundaries create emotional safety for you and others.
• 5:08
  When you're honest about your yeses and nos,
• 5:11
  others can actually trust your word.
• 5:14
  You stop performing and they stop guessing.
• 5:17
  Or like they just have no idea.
• 5:19
  Most of the time people just have no idea.
• 5:21
  And they have to take your word for what you're actually saying.
• 5:25
  And they go, how are you doing?
• 5:27
  And if you say, yeah, fine.
• 5:28
  Then what do you expect for them to dig and go,
• 5:32
  no, no, no, tell me, tell me you don't look fine or you don't seem fine.
• 5:35
  It's your responsibility to communicate where you're at and what you want or don't want.
• 5:41
  So it's a level of bringing a level of honesty when you say yes or no, so that others can
• 5:47
  actually trust that when you say yes, when you say no, you mean it.
• 5:52
  And they can actually base the next stage, like their actions, their thoughts, their
• 5:57
  words on that decision that you've just brought to the table.
• 6:01
  Number two, boundaries build self-trust.
• 6:05
  say no to what drains you, you're saying yes to what aligns with you. You're making space for more
• 6:13
  of what aligns when you're saying no to the things that don't align. Because if you have said yes
• 6:20
  previously to things that you actually wanted to say no to, but you didn't, you end up with a life
• 6:25
  full of lots of things and people and situations and relationships that you don't want, right, that
• 6:31
  is just draining you of your life force and you know the work is to start clearing that up and
• 6:36
  the more you do that you'll start feeling good and better and better about yourself because
• 6:43
  there's a part of you that just knows okay i trust myself now i trust that i'm not going to let
• 6:48
  myself down i trust that i'm not going to put myself second to last and everyone else first
• 6:54
  or me just non-existent in that.
• 6:58
  This is a priority.
• 7:00
  If you don't do this,
• 7:01
  because in your life,
• 7:03
  you are the core,
• 7:04
  the centerpiece of your life,
• 7:06
  like the central character of your life.
• 7:08
  And if you are not in a good place
• 7:10
  and everything else is going to reflect that,
• 7:12
  and then you're going to get people
• 7:13
  and situations that challenge you
• 7:15
  to get back in alignment.
• 7:18
  So you will keep finding
• 7:20
  that life will keep giving you lessons
• 7:22
  to try and teach you the thing
• 7:25
  and if we don't and we're not willing to take responsibility and look then the lessons will come
• 7:31
  faster harder more intense at least that's been my experience third is boundaries deepen authentic
• 7:38
  connection you stop pleasing and as you've heard me say before please and your mentor of mine said
• 7:44
  this to many years ago and it hit me hard pleasing is manipulating others to like you that's what she
• 7:50
  said to me. So we stop pleasing. And when you stop pleasing, the relationship then can either
• 7:57
  go into the next gear of authenticity or actual start to get in authenticity. Or if it's not,
• 8:05
  and there's no capacity for that, it just falls away. So you start showing up with clarity,
• 8:11
  transparency, and truth. And the relationships that stay, they're the real ones. They're the
• 8:18
  ones that you actually want that speaks for itself the people who hang around past that point so now
• 8:24
  let's talk about how to start saying no in a way that's firm clear and still kind how to start
• 8:31
  saying no with confidence step one to get clear on what you actually need and check in this is where
• 8:39
  i think in our work it pays for you to be connected to your body because why i hop on about connect
• 8:45
  your body, connect your body. And the most advanced yet ancient, but most advanced system I found,
• 8:51
  right, technology I found is called yoga because it helps you connect with your breath and body
• 8:59
  in a very simple way. May not be easy to begin with, but it's simple and extremely powerful.
• 9:04
  As you know, there's power in simplicity. So when, you know, to get clear on what you actually need,
• 9:11
  the body doesn't lie. It'll give you signals. So if you're connected to your body,
• 9:18
  by way of sensation, if you've taught yourself how to pay attention to what your body is saying
• 9:24
  to you by way of sensation, you'll know when something is out of alignment. Even if your
• 9:29
  head lies to you and says, no, no, it's fine. It's going to be all right. Just say no, say yes again
• 9:34
  this time. But then your body, there's something in your body that's just going to feel like,
• 9:38
  no and for each of us it might show up in a different way maybe for some of us might be
• 9:44
  tension right in certain parts of the body maybe it's like a closing down around the heart
• 9:48
  or tightening a contraction like contraction type energy a tightening rather than a freeing
• 9:55
  or an opening or releasing type energy so if you this is the benefit of actually connecting with
• 10:02
  your body and listening to your body. So that's why in what I teach now in a yoga practice,
• 10:09
  the second of the nine principles of postures, like asana, feel your body. The body is always
• 10:16
  speaking in sensations. And if you teach yourself, if you learn, if you practice to listen to your
• 10:23
  body, it'll tell you the truth. It'll guide you in each moment instantaneously because it doesn't
• 10:29
  need to do this thing called thinking. It's just the mind that needs to do thinking. And the way I
• 10:35
  kind of spot thinking, like when someone's actually goes straight into their head and starts thinking,
• 10:39
  is that thinking takes some time, or even just like a split second, but the body will just say it,
• 10:45
  right? Or the heart, you'll just feel it instantaneously, right? Like there'll just be
• 10:51
  signal coming straight. It doesn't need to think. It'll just say it. So connecting to your body,
• 10:59
  to your truth from an internal place, right? Not from external validation. Second, if it feels scary,
• 11:09
  then start small. Start with people who you feel a little bit more safe with and practice setting
• 11:16
  your boundaries. Setting boundaries is like a muscle, like an emotional muscle that you can build.
• 11:21
  So start with the low-stake no's, right? Like the ones where you feel, okay, this is a bit safer.
• 11:26
  you have a good relationship with this person, friend or family or whoever, and they'll understand
• 11:32
  and they'll support you in this process of growing into saying no. Personally, I would say take the
• 11:39
  training wheels off and just start practicing saying no because before it might feel scary,
• 11:46
  during it might feel uncomfortable, but after it, sure as hell will feel worth it. There'll be a
• 11:52
  level of freedom that is just, you cannot feel that level of freedom when you're on this side
• 11:58
  of the yes or the no. You have to actually say the no first and then you will get the result.
• 12:04
  It's like you can only get the result after you've done the work. And the third part, which might help
• 12:09
  simple practical thing, is just use clear, kind language. So some examples, you can say,
• 12:16
  thank you for asking. I'm not available for that thing. Or if you want to be a bit more,
• 12:22
  You can say, I want to honor your requests, but I need to say no right now to protect my energy.
• 12:27
  Or you can say, that doesn't work for me.
• 12:29
  Here's what does.
• 12:30
  So you can suggest something else if you actually want to.
• 12:33
  The more you say your no, the more powerful your yes becomes.
• 12:41
  So saying no isn't rejection.
• 12:43
  It's a reclamation.
• 12:45
  It's reclaiming yourself.
• 12:47
  It's reclaiming your energy, your truth, your power.
• 12:52
  into your power. It doesn't mean you're rejecting them. It's saying yes to you. And if you're new
• 12:58
  to this work, those of you, most of you here in the live session, you are in this body of work,
• 13:03
  but those of you watching the recordings in any of the platforms that I posted in,
• 13:07
  currently I'm running the Empower program, which is a paid program. People have paid 497 pounds
• 13:13
  before. And this is our gateway program. It's a longer version of what we do in our Awakened
• 13:19
  program which is three days a three-day live virtual event. Empower is a three-week version
• 13:25
  and it's completely free right now and here's some of the things we actually work on inside of
• 13:30
  Empower and you can come and join us right now. One is to build your self-trust, two, heal people
• 13:36
  pleasing patterns with the internal work that we do in the program and three, practice embodied
• 13:41
  boundaries from inside out. So you know this thing about connecting to your body and breath,
• 13:46
  we do meditations video practice inside of the program it's completely free and I can't think
• 13:53
  of a reason why someone shouldn't join it if you're watching this if you're hearing this
• 13:56
  speaks to you you should be in your invited so just know wherever you're watching this video
• 14:00
  this recording just dm me with dm me the word empower and you know I'll send you the link
• 14:06
  so my closing thoughts are every time you honor your capacity your needs your truth
• 14:12
  you'll reclaim a little more of yourself, another piece of yourself right and it's
• 14:20
  difficult not to feel good about that. You will start to feel better and better
• 14:24
  and better about yourself.