Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 639: Why An Avoidant Will Not Chase You After A Breakup

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Episode 639: Why An Avoidant Will Not Chase You After A Breakup · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  Why? And avoidant will not chase you
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  after a breakup. I'm going to answer that
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  question in this video. Hi, this is Lucia with The Art
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  of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
• 0:13
  over your ex and your favorite ex back.
• 0:16
  Expert. Welcome back, My no contact
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  army. If you've been a good little
• 0:21
  soldier, then you have downloaded my app Silencio to
• 0:23
  help you stay in no contact. And if you haven't, the link is
• 0:27
  underneath every single video and every single podcast.
• 0:29
  And if you too would like to join our no contact army, it's
• 0:33
  very easy. All you have to do is hit the
• 0:35
  subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 0:40
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 0:43
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 0:46
  And of course the link to that. And everything is underneath the
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  video or podcast. So why will an avoidant not
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  chase you after a break up? Even if they broke up with you?
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  Pretty much everyone knows that unless you cheated or took
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  someone for granted. If you're the dumper, it's up to
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  you to try to get your ex back. So what makes the avoidant so
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  different? Well, in order to answer that
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  question we have to 1st talk about when will an avoidant
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  actually chase. It's not like they never chase,
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  contrary to popular opinion. So they will chase in the
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  beginning when you're dating for the first few weeks or months
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  because it's before any emotional history or attachment
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  has occurred. So they are not yet triggered.
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  In other words, if their interest level is not too high,
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  they have no problem chasing. They'll chase for months if
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  necessary, but once it gets going up their interest level,
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  they start to feel vulnerable. And if they think there's a
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  chance of rejection, they'll pull away.
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  They'll also chase after you've been dating for a while if they
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  want to get a commitment, because now they feel secure
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  enough that they won't be rejected.
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  However, after a breakup, even if they were the jumper, they
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  don't want to chase, and here are some reasons why.
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  First one is to avoid conflict. Remember their avoidance.
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  So they do what? That's right.
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  They avoid. Now you may think, oh, they're
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  afraid of confrontation. No, that's not the reason I'm an
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  avoidant and I have no problem with confrontation.
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  It's that we don't want to experience the feeling
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  associated with a conflict or a confrontation, and therefore we
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  would rather just avoid it. The second reason is that they
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  may feel ashamed or guilty for being a bad partner for letting
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  you down. They're like a turtle who
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  doesn't feel safe and they go back into their shell and they
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  don't stick their head out again until they feel safe.
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  And if their interest level is high enough, they will be able
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  to overcome the shame or guilt eventually.
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  The third reason is it's too vulnerable of a feeling they
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  feel. It makes them look weak.
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  And if there's one thing that avoidance hate, it's weakness
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  and neediness in both themselves and in other people.
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  It makes it seem like they're dependent on you and that they
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  need you and that is the last thing they want.
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  They want to appear independent, like they don't need you or
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  anyone. The thought of needing someone
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  is scary because what if that person lets them down?
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  So it's better to not need anyone and to just rely on
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  themselves, and that way they can't be let down.
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  They don't want to give you that much power.
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  That is how avoidance think The fourth reason it is that there's
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  a silent agreement between the two of you that you will be
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  doing the chasing, meaning that every time there was an issue or
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  an argument and they pulled away, you weren't running after
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  them. So if there's now a breakup, why
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  would they behave any differently?
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  Even if they broke up with you, they figure you're going to come
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  looking for them sooner rather than later, since you're the one
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  who's anxious, not them. It's generally not coming from a
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  place of manipulation, but from the fact that it's implied that
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  when they pull away you will chase.
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  And by the way, please give this video a like.
• 4:23
  It's free to give a like and it will help more people to find it
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  on YouTube. Thank you.
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  All right, the next reason? Fear of rejection.
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  They may want to reach out and solve things, but they fear that
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  they may be rejected. And if you broke up with them,
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  they are definitely not going to chase because they already feel
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  rejected, and they're not going to risk feeling rejected yet
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  again. And avoidant is not going to
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  chase if they've already been rejected.
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  The sixth reason they won't chase if they know they can't or
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  don't want to offer you slash, give you what you want or what
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  you deserve. So if you're anxious and you're
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  listening to this, you're thinking, well, why don't they
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  just figure it out? Why can't they work on work on
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  it so that they can give me what I want?
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  Well, if their interest level is high enough, they will
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  reconsider and come back to give you what you want or need.
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  And I'm going to talk more about interest level towards the end
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  of the video because it's going to apply to everything that I'm
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  saying in this video about why an avoidance won't chase after a
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  breakup. So stay tuned, all right?
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  We have just a few more #7. They won't chase right after a
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  breakup because it's easier to just focus on other aspects of
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  their life. Yes, they are repressing their
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  feelings for you and you need to let them go through that stage
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  because if you contact them when they're in that stage, you will
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  not like their response, or you may not get any response at all,
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  and then that will set you back. And if you're anxious, then you
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  may spiral and start contacting them and then it just goes
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  downhill from there. So let them go through their
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  stages. Reason #8, They value composure
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  and non reactivity. The idea of of chasing is very
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  distressing for an avoidance. Whenever they think about it,
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  they get the I factor, the IG factor.
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  They see it as chaotic and out of control and they want to stay
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  away from chaos and drama as much as possible.
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  Reason #9. They have mixed feelings about
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  what will happen after they chase you.
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  So if they have to both repair and make amends with you and
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  then discuss the future of the relationship, that just might be
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  too much for them, too much emotion to process.
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  So deactivating the attachment feels like a more efficient way
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  of doing things. And I'm not saying they're doing
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  this consciously. Often it's a subconscious
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  process. And then finally, the final
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  reason we made it. They want to see if you will
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  reach out to them and this will be evidence that you care.
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  And if you don't reach out to them, they will think that you
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  don't care, even though they are the ones who are supposed to
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  reach out to you unless you cheated or took them for
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  granted. And by taking for granted, I
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  mean that they felt like they weren't important to you.
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  You weren't giving them time, you weren't listening to them.
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  That's what I define as taken for granted.
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  Again, they may be doing this subconsciously, but there's also
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  a good possibility that they are doing it consciously, that
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  they're thinking, you know what, I want to see how interested
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  they are. Even though I woke up with them,
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  I'm going to wait and see if they reach out to me.
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  So that's what is happening. If they don't reach out to you
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  because they want to see how much you care.
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  Now I mentioned that I was going to talk about interest level,
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  and I learned about interest level from my good friend Doc
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  Love. And he said interest level
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  Trump's everything. So luckily for you, if you were
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  dating an avoidant, you probably, as you were listening
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  to this thought, Oh no, Oh my God, I'm screwed.
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  I'm never going to get my avoidant back.
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  They're not going to chase me, they're not going to come after
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  me or I'm going to have to break no contact.
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  Now I don't want to do that because she always says don't
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  break no contact. What am I going to do?
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  Well, luckily with an avoidant or with anyone actually.
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  But if you leave them alone, FAB will kick in.
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  And I talked about FAB in my video titled 7 Reasons Why No
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  Contact works on everyone. That video has over 2 million
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  views. I can't believe it and I will
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  link it in the upper right hand corner here on YouTube.
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  So by leaving them alone, they'll go through their
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  process, they'll go through FAB and if they're interested enough
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  they will reach out. You do not have to reach out.
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  OK, so please do not break no contact.
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  And if you're interested in finding out more about interest
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  level from Doc Love, there is a link underneath every single
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  video and you can check out his book the system and you can also
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  read 10 free chapters. That's right, 10 before you
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  decide whether you want to purchase the book or not.
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  So check it out. And now finally, let me know
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  below in the comments who initiated the breakup?
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  Was it you or your partner? And also, if you can, comment
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  with the word avoidant. If you want me to make more
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  videos about avoidance and if enough people say yes, if they
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  write avoidant below, then I will continue to make them all
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  right. And in the meantime, if you'd
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  like my help to get your ex back, contact me at
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  theartoflove.net and we will send you the rates.
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  The direct link is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 9:55
  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 9:58
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 10:00
  podcast, please rate and review. And finally, remember that love
• 10:04
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.