Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Think Real Hard Before You Marry A Guy With ADHD

Transcript

Think Real Hard Before You Marry A Guy With ADHD · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to this episode of the doctor psych mom,
• 0:09
  show before we get to today's topic, which is about think real
• 0:15
  hard before you marry a guy with ADHD to which some of the women
• 0:19
  listeners are like too late but but I do have a lot of single
• 0:25
  and dating listeners who it could be useful for as well as I
• 0:29
  will certainly touch upon what to do.
• 0:31
  If you already find yourself in this pickle, but before we do
• 0:34
  any of that, please, Do subscribe, my most recent
• 0:36
  subscriber episode is on when you are smarter than your
• 0:39
  spouse. When a man feels like that and
• 0:41
  when a woman feels like that and what to do about it and what
• 0:44
  other variables may be at play and is this even really the
• 0:48
  case? I mean, like sometimes it is but
• 0:50
  but sometimes it's not and we'll talk about all of that on the
• 0:54
  subscriber episode. Okay?
• 0:56
  So why do I say think real hard before you marry a guy with
• 0:59
  ADHD? Because I see a lot of people in
• 1:03
  counseling where the guy has ADHD.
• 1:05
  A lot. I see some where the woman does
• 1:09
  doesn't usually go as bad, you know, but it goes a lot worse
• 1:13
  when the guy has ADHD, then when the woman does why well, before
• 1:17
  anything? If you do like to read you
• 1:19
  should be reading the ADHD effect on marriage.
• 1:23
  If you are married to somebody with ADHD, or if you are dating
• 1:25
  somebody with ADHD, it's a good book and everybody always likes
• 1:29
  it. So get it.
• 1:31
  Anyway. Um, so what does it look like
• 1:33
  for a guy to have ADHD? And how does that manifest
• 1:36
  within the relationship? Well, first of all, they're
• 1:38
  really disorganized, you know, and their house usually is a
• 1:41
  fucking disaster and, you know, you meet them, they haven't gone
• 1:45
  to like the doctor, or the dentist.
• 1:46
  So, like three years or something and like, all their
• 1:49
  shit. It's always, in disarray.
• 1:51
  They can plan, their always flying by the seat of their
• 1:54
  pants, but in the dating phase, they're super Charming because
• 1:58
  of the hyper-focused courtship and I have two podcasts on ADHD,
• 2:01
  which you should have listened to prior to this.
• 2:04
  If you're a longtime But if not again type ADHD into the Spotify
• 2:07
  search engine at the very top on the app of my podcast, scroll,
• 2:12
  all the way to the top, then you get a search bar you type in
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  ADHD. And anyway so one of the big
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  signifiers and something that you'll read about in that book,
• 2:24
  The ADHD effect on marriage by Melissa or a law of if you buy.
• 2:27
  It is the hyper-focus courtship so people with ADHD it's like
• 2:31
  their brain is always sleeping, it's under stimulated so they
• 2:35
  need Extra stimulation to behave normally.
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  So what is this mean? It means that when you are, you
• 2:42
  know, in the honeymoon stage, you are the extra stimulation.
• 2:46
  You are super extra stimulating, your like their drug, they may
• 2:50
  even say that some women. Remember the guys saying that
• 2:53
  and it's real. You like everybody loves that
• 2:57
  stage and the oxytocin and the adrenaline and your hormones are
• 3:01
  pumping and dopamine is flooding your synapses.
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  However, the people with HD love that even more because their
• 3:08
  brain is chronically under stimulated.
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  So they are so like you are like they're Adderall like they're
• 3:13
  focused on you. You could later see this with
• 3:15
  video games, like they get super into video games or super into
• 3:18
  work. If they're not a video game guy
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  or until like exercise or something, they go down.
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  These rabbit holes which is why frequently their wives are so
• 3:27
  mad. And they're like, you don't have
• 3:29
  ADHD, you could focus real. Well, if you like something, if
• 3:33
  you're into it, then you're fine.
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  So fuck you. You don't have ADHD but they
• 3:37
  don't realize that. They're basically saying, aha,
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  you have ADHD, you can only focus when you really like
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  something because that's one of the major things with ADHD is
• 3:46
  you cannot focus on boring shit. The boring stuff, feels
• 3:50
  physically painful like slick. You're so bored in class like as
• 3:54
  a kid. Let's say when it's going slowly
• 3:57
  that you just want to die like that level of boredom is
• 4:01
  generally associated with ADHD. And as much as your husband
• 4:04
  loves you, if he has a HD and it's not treated and we'll get
• 4:07
  into treatment in a sec. Then once you're out of the
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  honeymoon, stage you are boring. You know, you're just bore.
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  You're always up his ass about stuff talking about the fucking
• 4:17
  Google Calendar, blah, blah blah.
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  It's like Charlie Brown when his mother was talking and like,
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  unless you're screwing him or you're fighting with him, he
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  cannot pay attention. And that's a shitty way to live.
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  And the drama is something that a lot of people don't even
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  realize this part of ADHD. He may not want to fight with
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  you. You at all, but it's like, he'll
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  basically fall asleep during a conversation if there's no
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  drama. So subconsciously both of you,
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  create drama, basically to keep him even engaged at all.
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  So like a lot of women when I see that it's like a light bulb
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  goes off and they're like, oh my god, I've said that for years
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  I've said you only listen to me when I'm threatening to leave
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  you. And, and it's true, because that
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  is literally, when she comes out our mama, mama, not face into
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  something that he can focus on. So, what is treatment for?
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  ADHD stimulants, Adderall Vyvanse, the Ritalin things like
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  that. But, you know, just like
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  everything. What do I always say?
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  There's no free lunch, right? So people get used to these
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  levels and this is sometimes people go on drug holidays, you
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  know? So they go off for a little
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  while, then they go back on to see if the you know to see if it
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  works the same way again when they restart it but like any
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  drug you get used to it, you know, this.
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  As with antidepressants to after, like, a few years,
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  sometimes they just stopped working for people.
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  And this is not massively publicized in the Pharma
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  industry, obviously. So but about two Bots going on,
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  Adderall can be fucking transformative for guys with
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  ADHD and that initial basically honeymoon stage of being on
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  stimulants can really make the woman realize two things.
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  A, yeah, it was ADHD, it wasn't just that he was a dick wad
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  along and you know be like wow. He can actually do like, a lot
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  of stuff, you know, like when he's medicated, he can act more
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  like, like, like a really active proactive collaborative member
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  of a couple. And so a lot of these guys, by
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  the way, have been medicating all along.
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  They've been either, drinking lots and lots of coffee, lots of
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  lots of soda, you know? And sometimes they have
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  recreationally taken, Adderall, or Red Bull, I mean, they know
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  their brain, instinctively knows it does better with a stimulant,
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  you know? Or else they're doing like a lot
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  of dopamine, releasers like running forever, you know, miles
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  and miles and miles, or Jiu-Jitsu or, you know,
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  something that's like martial arts because they're like
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  fighting people. So then their adrenaline is
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  ramped up or they're in some kind of a job where they're
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  like, doing sales calls all over the state or their an
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  entrepreneur. So like or there an ER, doctor,
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  these are all real common for guys with ADHD because
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  something's always happening. There's always a crisis.
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  What do they never become accountants?
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  They never become accountants. They never become like a high
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  school history teachers, you know, they don't become things
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  where you need to be calm and even Keel and pretty much do the
• 7:13
  same thing all the time. They can't do those.
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  Those are very, very hard for them frequently, even sitting at
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  a desk is hard, but they could do it if there's a lot of shit
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  going on. So it's like a video game on the
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  screen, you know, a lot of money is going to be lost or gained so
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  there's like a lot of adrenaline or human life is at risk if
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  they're a doctor. So they have always basically
• 7:35
  been Medicating with dopamine and a lot of them with sex, you
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  know, because they could go down like a regular guy, go into a
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  porn rabbit hole for like, you know, half an hour, you know,
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  guy with ADHD, that's untreated can look at porn for like six
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  hours, you know, because it's so stimulating and his brain only
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  feels good when it's really stimulated like that, you know.
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  So it's it's very, it's very interesting really to think
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  about because you may have always thought that this guy's
• 8:04
  an addict and Asshole. And he may be an addict than an
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  asshole. I don't know your individual
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  situation, but if he has ADHD that's untreated, his brain has
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  always just been gravitating toward things that could really
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  medicate him. Pretty much.
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  So then why did I title this? Think real hard before you marry
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  a guy with ADHD because you know what?
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  People don't like to be on stimulants all the time.
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  Sometimes they stop working. Sometimes the guy says, fuck
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  you. What about me be in my natural
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  state and really, it doesn't get rid of Verything.
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  You know, medication is not a Panacea.
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  For some, it can be some lucky people, but as I said, people
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  get in you, and you were to the effect, etcetera, Etc.
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  You got to think really hard before you get invested with
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  somebody who has any sort of mental health issue.
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  That is just the truth. It is not being gum, you know,
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  it's practical, right? So if somebody struggles with
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  debilitating depression and you are deciding whether or not to
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  date them, that would not be in the plus column.
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  You know, when I say that as somebody who is With depression.
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  It's not like that. That's not a great thing for an
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  incipient relationship, right? And eighty HD makes women feel
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  when their husband has it. They makes women feel very
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  alone. You know, it's very hard to
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  partner with somebody who can't keep themselves organized who
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  like loses track of shit who you have to be up their ass all the
• 9:28
  time over and over, saying the same things you have to say, can
• 9:32
  you buy this cereal and he'll go to the store, not by.
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  Any cereal, you know. And so these are the guys where
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  where the women are right, you know when they're saying so so
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  sometimes it's like you know the woman standards are just not
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  obtainable he's doing like all this shit around the house and
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  it's still not good enough because she's anxious.
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  Now interestingly guys with ADHD partner with women who are
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  anxious as I discussed in a previous podcast but that's
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  because these women are super also like conscientious and on
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  top of shit to like a pathological degree.
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  So it like Seeds for somebody who is not on top of shit at
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  all. But as I was saying there were,
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  there's a lot of women who their standards are way way, way too
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  high, and they're like, way to micromanage e about everything.
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  But like, there is also women that are coupled with guys, with
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  ADHD, that there are like, he lives in filth, like I got to
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  remind him to brush his teeth. You know, I have to like, remind
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  him to go to work. He's like never planning ahead
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  for anything. I have to schedule anything that
• 10:35
  I I want him to do and then I have to call him and make sure
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  that he does it something like his own root canal, you know
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  with his toothache, he still doesn't like, think about going.
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  So yes you're codependent if you're in that sort of situation
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  but also you're trying to make your marriage work you know.
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  And and it's like it's a real hard road to hoe, really.
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  I mean, I see lots and lots of women in the situation where at
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  first the guy wasn't quote as bad and also they were young and
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  ignored. Red flags that he was so like
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  for example his house was like a total literal shit hole with
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  like fucking bugs bought. He was hyper focused on her and
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  very sweet and loving and and and remembered everything she
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  said because again remember she was the drug and that early
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  phase and so she thought all right well I can clean a room, I
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  can clean a house, I can hire a housekeeper one day or whatever
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  the case may be. But then after the courtship
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  not, Only is he still, you know, like a pack rat to the nth
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  degree and that's even just the least of it but also he doesn't
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  focus on her anymore. So then it's like the whole
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  reason the thing that was compensating for the ADHD
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  behaviors isn't there either? So that's what you have to think
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  about. If you are dating a guy with
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  ADHD kind of wait long enough to marry him that, he's come out of
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  the hyper-focus courtship that he's got like a new job and
• 12:04
  that's what he's hyper focusing on.
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  Underwear. Like he's training for a
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  marathon and that's what he's focusing on.
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  So, if you marry a guy with ADHD after like 12 months, you're not
• 12:12
  going to ever have seen them outside of the hyper-focus.
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  Courtship, you're not going to know what's coming down the
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  pike, potentially, and this is, of course, easier said than
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  done, but there are at least some women that are on the
• 12:22
  precipice of like, thinking. Should I be with this guy?
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  He has untreated ADHD or even treated ADHD and he's all over
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  the place and you know, I have a whole post like when you thought
• 12:34
  it was cute, too. Take care of the guy that you
• 12:36
  were dating and then you stopped the gig.
• 12:37
  It's cute. Like a lot of those guys have
• 12:40
  untreated ADHD, or treated ADHD, but it just treatment just
• 12:43
  doesn't work that well. So, and ADHD is also comorbid
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  with depression anxiety. Like just a lot of stuff, we
• 12:50
  don't know very much about the brain and and mental health.
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  You know, that's like a growing field of exploration.
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  We know, very little psychiatrists even know, very
• 13:00
  little about why medications work.
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  But what we do know is that when you have one disorder, You're
• 13:06
  pretty likely to have other disorders.
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  So this addiction is another big one with ADHD porn addiction
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  gambling addiction. It's like anything that keeps
• 13:14
  your brain like active alive, stimulated sex addiction,
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  etcetera. So, you know, it's really just
• 13:19
  something to think about, you know, and two, if you are single
• 13:23
  after divorce and you're dating, and somebody is like, really,
• 13:27
  like fun and has ADHD and he's like all over the place.
• 13:31
  And he's like, so different than whoever your stayed boring
• 13:34
  husband used to be. There's again, no free lunch and
• 13:38
  understand what this may look like later on.
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  It doesn't mean that, you know, everybody would make the same
• 13:43
  decision, but if even one person thinks about a decision longer,
• 13:47
  it's the same thing as like, really.
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  Like, we could like, Zoom it out on a macro level.
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  If there are a lot of red flags but how it much the person loves
• 13:57
  you, compensates recognize you not going to love you like the
• 14:00
  honeymoon stage forever. So if a woman struggles with bad
• 14:03
  depression and she's like, oh, Kind of laying around and really
• 14:07
  has no energy and you have to do everything for her.
• 14:09
  And but she's really, really loving and appreciative and you
• 14:13
  have sex. Well, what's that going to look
• 14:16
  like when you have less sex and you've worn off like the
• 14:19
  honeymoon, stage Xin Ru going to want to lay around and watch
• 14:24
  reality TV and go to sleep early, because that's how she
• 14:28
  is, you know, are you going to want to know, you know,
• 14:31
  frequently know. So some some people, yes, but
• 14:34
  some People know. So as always, I just kind of
• 14:38
  want you guys to be aware that there was a very definite
• 14:41
  honeymoon stage in the case of ADHD.
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  It's called the hyper-focus courtship, but it's there for
• 14:47
  everything. And if you have issues with
• 14:49
  somebody and they're struggling with whatever mental health
• 14:52
  issues, you got to kind of really, look at what that's
• 14:55
  going to look like down the line.
• 14:56
  So if a woman says something like I have like OCD or I have
• 14:59
  generalized anxiety disorder, don't just be like oh you know
• 15:02
  what? I can come in and fix that and
• 15:04
  help that and it'll be Better for her actually research, what
• 15:07
  the fuck? That looks like and think about
• 15:09
  it really, really clearly, really, really clearly.
• 15:15
  And if you're thinking, well, nobody's actually going to do
• 15:18
  that because everybody, when they're in the in Love Stage, it
• 15:20
  doesn't matter. That's not true.
• 15:21
  You know, I have clients who are single and they come in and we
• 15:23
  talked about red flags and they actually frequently, they're
• 15:27
  divorced people, they actually say things like, you know what?
• 15:29
  Actually now that we're talking about it looks like a lot of red
• 15:31
  flags and I'm just kind of not interested anymore when I'm
• 15:34
  feeling like there's So many goddamn red flags and I don't
• 15:37
  want to replicate my own marriage, you know?
• 15:39
  So it changes possible and young people it's harder, you know,
• 15:44
  because they haven't ever had anything not work out really
• 15:47
  romantically. So it's all potential to work
• 15:50
  out and they're optimistic. But at least people that have,
• 15:53
  you know, previously, been in a relationship that hasn't worked
• 15:56
  out, or hopefully more humble and more practical, and realize
• 15:59
  that they may not be thinking clearly in the earliest dating
• 16:02
  phases and some things may just not be worth.
• 16:05
  Long-term and have a much lower likelihood of working out, so
• 16:09
  this may be one of them. All right, I hope that you found
• 16:12
  this interesting and if you are in a relationship, you are
• 16:16
  already married to a husband with ADHD.
• 16:18
  I hope that this has convinced you.
• 16:19
  If nothing else that you ought to be in couples counseling
• 16:21
  because it is a tough path, you know, and it is a tough Dynamic
• 16:26
  and it can lead to codependency and over functioning in the
• 16:28
  other partner, it could exacerbate anxiety that they may
• 16:31
  have come to the table with anyway and the person.
• 16:35
  With ADHD can learn a to stay on medication if it's working or go
• 16:40
  on medication, if they're not tried medication or just
• 16:43
  honestly to empathize and understand what it is like to be
• 16:47
  with them and that perhaps they need to be engaging in some
• 16:50
  coaching or some individual work, to help them get some
• 16:54
  more, their shit in order so that they, you know, are easier
• 16:58
  to to deal with, for the spouse for you.
• 17:02
  And of course, you would have to work on your own again.
• 17:04
  Tendencies toward over Then codependency.
• 17:06
  All right. And it's not like the people
• 17:08
  with ADHD by the way that come into couples counseling.
• 17:10
  Like we're just like, ah, fuck it.
• 17:12
  Y'all should get divorced. Like it's totally not like that.
• 17:14
  Obviously a lot of those couples end up doing a lot better as
• 17:17
  many do in couples counseling. Not everybody but many so it's
• 17:21
  not like a death sentence but it's one of those things where
• 17:25
  if you haven't, really thought about it and still just one of
• 17:28
  those cute little quirks that your boyfriend has, I'm in
• 17:31
  treating you to think about it a little bit differently as I
• 17:34
  would, if, for example, is like a counter.
• 17:35
  Cute. Little Quirk that your boyfriend
• 17:37
  drank all day all the time. Not acute Quirk, you know, and
• 17:40
  there's a lot of women that can attest to that that met and
• 17:43
  married, the guy who is drinking all the time in college and he
• 17:46
  never stopped. All right, talk to you all soon.
• 17:49
  Thanks for listening. Bye bye.