Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 200. Grief has no expiry date

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200. Grief has no expiry date · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Appolchie production an easier advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in. Welcome
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: to our bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to Shoe Rises our bestie segment.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: What have you got today? We have one about grief.
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: Oh, there's a lot coming through about gre There is
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: a lot upbreak definitely a season.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: All right, are we ready? Yes?
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: What's your advice on a so called bestie who after
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: you've had an extremely close death in the family carries
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: on months later as if nothing has happened. They don't
• 0:49
  Speaker 3: message or reach out, and when they do it's as
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: if nothing has happened. The impression is that I should
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: be over it by now. But not going to be
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: the case. Because the death was a sibling. That's really tough.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: That's it.
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a very short one. Oh, it's a very
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: short one. That's so devastating.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: I'm so so sorry to hear you've lost a sibling.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: I can't even imagine. Oh, that would be the most
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  Speaker 1: heartbreaking feeling. I think.
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: Firstly, I just want to say I'm sorry that you
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: had to go through that, because it is not something
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  Speaker 3: that I would wish want anybody to have to go through,
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  Speaker 3: especially if you had such a close relationship with them.
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  Speaker 1: It's really really hard.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: And also, I think when it comes to grief, I
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: think one of the most challenging things I've seen about
• 1:30
  Speaker 3: grief is that you get stuck in grief and everybody
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: else around you continues to live their lives life. And
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  Speaker 3: I'm really sorry that you feel that there's an expectation
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: on you to have just gotten over it, because I
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  Speaker 3: don't think this is going to be something that you
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: get over forever, Like, this is always going to be
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: something that stays with you and shapes you, and there's
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: going to be little moments where you remember them or
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: think about them and it brings that overwhelming feeling of
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: grief back.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: But I yeah, I oh, I don't know. It's hard one,
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  Speaker 1: isn't it. Did you say the expectation is that I
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: should be over it? Oh? No, the impression, imprecious.
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: Is that assumption though, Yeah, the impression is that I
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  Speaker 3: should be over it by now, but it's not going
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: to be the case because the death was a sibling.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: Is that an assumption that she's assuming her best friend
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: thinks she should be over it. You're right, when someone
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: is going through grief, the whole world keeps moving and
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: life continues on for everyone else. I don't think she
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: doesn't care. In my experience in grief, I think a
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: lot of people don't know how to hold it. They
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: don't know how to support that, don't know what to say.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: They don't say anything because they're scared of saying the
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: wrong things. I know because I've been in that position before.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, I don't want to say the wrong thing.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: I want to support. I'm not sure what they need like.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: It's really hard to navigate. But what I've also learned
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: is to not lean out because then you make that
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: person feel more alone. Is like lean in, But then
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: where you're at, I think this is a time where
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: you get to speak up and communicate what you need
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: from her and ask her if she could provide that.
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  Speaker 1: Hey, I'm really going through it right now.
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  Speaker 2: I know life continues, I know the world keeps revolving,
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  Speaker 2: that's what happens. But I am stuck here. I feel
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: so alone. I really need some extra support. Is this
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: something you know you can be there for me about?
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: Absolutely have to really direct I'd be curious. Yeah, is
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: it like, is there you're wanting more curiosity? Do you
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: want her to ask you more questions about just hold space,
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: how you're doing, how you're feeling is coming up for
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: you recently, how your heart is today, Like what do
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: you think that that might look like for you? That
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  Speaker 2: would make you feel so supported by this person, and
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  Speaker 2: so that you know that this person is able to
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: hold you and support you throughout this journey. Yeah, it's
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: important for you to know because she can't assume what
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: it is you might need. You might want distraction. You
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: might want her to take you out to do something fun,
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  Speaker 2: plan a weekly data and you might want to sit
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: down and just lay there and listen to music together,
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  Speaker 2: or look at old photos of your siblings and talk
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  Speaker 2: about all the fun times. Like, You've really got to
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  Speaker 2: get clear on how people around you can support.
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  Speaker 3: You absolutely and as well, it's easy to assume the
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  Speaker 3: worst case scenario, you know, because it might feel a
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: little bit like to you, Well, if somebody's sibling died,
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  Speaker 3: I would just be there. Yeah, I would show and
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  Speaker 3: I'd be at their house and I'd be asking questions
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  Speaker 3: and I'd be doing this. So maybe the way that
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: she's behaving is something you don't understand because you would
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  Speaker 3: behave differently, Well you think you would, yes, But this
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  Speaker 3: is also the expectation, right, We naturally don't understand why
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: someone does something if we don't personally think that we
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: would do it ourselves. So I think that's also an
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  Speaker 3: important reason why communication and all of this is so important,
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  Speaker 3: because then you kind of remove the assumptions. Yeah, remove
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  Speaker 3: you know, maybe feelings of feeling neglected or that they
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: don't love you, or that they don't care about you,
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  Speaker 3: because the reality is it's probably not true at all,
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  Speaker 3: and maybe they just don't know how to navigate the
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  Speaker 3: grief just as much as you probably don't.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think anyone knows how to navigate it. It's hard.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, what you said back then just sparksling for me
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  Speaker 2: of we said this, and it's like I would never
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  Speaker 2: do that, or I would show up like this. Oh
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  Speaker 2: my gosh, if that happened to me, I would not
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: do that, or I would be doing this and I'd
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  Speaker 2: see this online. With Emily Kaisar, she's an American influencer
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  Speaker 2: and she lost her little boy. He drowned, and four
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: months later she's back online sharing her life and the
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: comments action makes me fucking sick. I'm like grown women,
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: the things they say, Oh, if I lost my baby,
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: I would never be back on I lost my baby.
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  Speaker 2: I wouldn't be going to the mall if I lost
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: my baby. I wouldn't be getting my hair done. If
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: I lost my baby, I wouldn't still be living in
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: that house. I'm like, oh, oh, do you know, do
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: you I get so riled up because I'm like, this
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  Speaker 2: poor woman has lost her fucking child, and you know what,
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: this is her job. If you are a nurse or
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: a bankkeeper, or you work on a farm or work
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: in retail, you can't just not work, no, unless you've
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: got millions of dollars sitting in the bank someone started
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: to go fund me account, and you can have a
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: couple of months off, but most people have to go
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: back to work. This is her job. She doesn't work
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: in a retail store. She works online with brand sponsorships
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  Speaker 2: and deals, and a lot of people don't understand that
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: as being a real job, but it is her job,
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: and also they bring some normality back and her accounselors.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: She explained that her counselor said, gree is never going
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: to go away. Her son's never coming back, so she
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: has to bring some normality back so she can actually
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: survive and get through another day. So I just think, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: we can't say those statements of what I would never
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  Speaker 2: and I would do this because you don't know and
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  Speaker 2: I don't know. I just my gut intuition from hearing
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  Speaker 2: your stories. Your friend doesn't know how to hold you
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  Speaker 2: in it. Yeah, and she's petrified and it feels so heavy,
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  Speaker 2: and she's scared she's going to say the wrong thing.
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  Speaker 2: But I think if you can lean into her and
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  Speaker 2: be really clear with like, this would feel so nice
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  Speaker 2: if we went and did this regularly.
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  Speaker 1: Do you have space for me? Can you hold me
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  Speaker 1: in this?
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  Speaker 3: And also as well, when you're in the middle of
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  Speaker 3: the grief so much times it can be really hard
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  Speaker 3: to ask for support and it's so scary too because
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  Speaker 3: we don't want to be seen in our mess ever.
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  Speaker 3: But also in a time of grief, like we talk
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  Speaker 3: about this often, when we can share the emotional load
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  Speaker 3: of things that we're going through, doesn't feel us heavy
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  Speaker 3: when we go through it because we know that we
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  Speaker 3: have people around us who can hold us when we
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  Speaker 3: need to crumble, and we know in this space, like
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  Speaker 3: I don't have to be the strong one right now. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: I can actually be the person who breaks down and
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  Speaker 3: cries and lets this person hold me because I know
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  Speaker 3: that they've got me. And having that when you're going
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: through things like grief is so so necessary on this journey.
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  Speaker 3: Otherwise it can be so easy to get lost in it.
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  Speaker 3: We don't want that for you, no way, So you
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  Speaker 3: so much love. I just can't even imagine. Grief is
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: just We've said this in so many episodes. That's just
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: the most hardest thing about life, losing loved ones. And
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: we all know it's going to happen one day, but
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: you don't think about that day to day, and you
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: actually don't know what that feels like until you actually
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: go through it. Absolutely, and when you're in the thick
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  Speaker 3: of losing someone, it's like, holy fuck, a world feels
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  Speaker 3: like it's going to end.
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  Speaker 1: You know, it's awful, and really, my heart goes out
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  Speaker 1: to you.
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  Speaker 3: So yeah, we just wanted to send you so much
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  Speaker 3: love and just know, like be patient and kind to
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: yourself on this journey, like allow the grief in, allow
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: it to come up, but also lean on the people
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  Speaker 3: in your life because you're gonna need it and.
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  Speaker 2: Be brave, be brave to communicate what you need from her.
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  Speaker 2: She might really surprise you. And also, if she's not
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  Speaker 2: that person that's a former grief as well, you have
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  Speaker 2: to grief who you thought she would be in this time.
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  Speaker 2: But lean on the people that can hold you in
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  Speaker 2: this because you deserve to have that level of support
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  Speaker 2: and love and strength.
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  Speaker 1: Like stabilizes there.
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: When it comes to the important things in life, it's
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: just not worth communicating. It removes assumptions, It stops any
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  Speaker 3: gray area, any confusion or any stories that might start
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: to create in your head about what this person is doing,
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  Speaker 3: thinking or saying. And I just think when it comes
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: to the people that we love, we've got to pull
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  Speaker 3: them closer and be willing to put our egos aside,
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  Speaker 3: be vulnerable, communicate because those are the people who really
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  Speaker 3: matter in life. And as you know, like this grief journey,
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: you know that's not an easy thing. And the thing
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: that really helps us lift us up in these times
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  Speaker 3: is the people that we love and the people that
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: we get to lean on. So I hope that this
• 8:36
  Speaker 3: is just a piece of advice and evidence for you
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  Speaker 3: that it's safe to do so and that it will
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: only benefit you by doing so.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're here for you as well as you so
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: much love and if there's any other way that we
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: can support you.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Let us know, Please let us know. Bye, guys, We'll
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: see you in the next one. I