Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 699: THIS Is Why Your Ex Won't Take You Back

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Episode 699: THIS Is Why Your Ex Won't Take You Back · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  You guys, there's no point in listening to videos on how to
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  get your ex back, either mine or those of other coaches.
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  If when the moment of truth arrives, when your ex finally
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  reaches out and when your ex finally says me significant, you
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  then throw everything you've learned out the window and just
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  go on instinct alone. You're so surprised to hear from
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  your ex. And you're even more surprised
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  and thrilled that they say something that you think is
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  significant or actually is significant, that it's like, Oh
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  yeah, whatever, whoever, whatever Lucia said, who cares?
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  Whatever my ex is here, they texted me.
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  That's it. We're getting back together.
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  That's not how it works. That's not how you get your ex
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  back. And you're going to end up
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  screwing things up and regretting it for the rest of
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  your life. So what's the proper way to
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  handle it when you finally hear from your ex?
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  Stay tuned and you'll find out. And if you haven't already
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  guessed, yes, something happened with a client of mine where he
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  screwed everything up because he didn't listen.
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  And I don't want it to happen to you.
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  So I'll tell you what's going on.
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  But first, in case you don't know who this is, this is Lucia
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  with the art of love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact army. I hope you've been a good little
• 1:32
  soldier, unlike some people. And if you need help to stay in
• 1:37
  no contact, be sure to download my app silencio.
• 1:40
  The link is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 1:43
  And if you too would like to join our army, all you have to
• 1:45
  do is hit the subscribe button and the bell notification and
• 1:51
  you're in. And to read our manual, go to
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  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:58
  you purchase the book. OK, so first thing, people are
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  always, almost always surprised when they hear from their ex.
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  I've said a million times, but in case you're a new listener,
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  90% of you are going to hear from your ex, OK?
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  You should not be surprised. You should be expecting it every
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  day. Should be like, all right, where
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  is he? Where is she?
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  I know, I know they're going to reach out at some point.
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  So where are they? Because if you are surprised and
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  you freak out, you're not going to be able to think straight.
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  So expect a text, expect a message.
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  But that is just the first step of many steps that need to be
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  taken to get your ex back. It's not easy to get an X back.
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  It's easy for me to help you get your X back because apparently
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  for some reason that's my talent.
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  For me, it's easy to help someone get their X back if they
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  listen to me and do what I say. But it is not easy for most
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  people to get their X back, especially if they're not
• 3:01
  working with a coach because you're going to do the total
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  opposite of what you need to do. So already we have a difficult
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  situation. Don't make it even worse by just
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  veering off on your own and thinking you know what the hell
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  to do just because it's your ex. You don't know what to do,
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  you're too emotional. Secondly, you do not get an X
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  back by having one conversation. Even if they say oh I missed
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  you, I want to see you and then you get back together.
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  That rarely happens. Want me to prove it to you?
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  OK, let me ask you this. How many times have you gone on
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  a first date and after the first date you agreed or the other
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  person agreed to be exclusive? How many people become exclusive
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  after one date? OK, I'll wait.
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  Yeah, not too many. 1%, I don't know.
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  Is it possible? Of course, probable.
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  No. Very few become exclusive after
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  one date. And very few people get back
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  together after one phone call. So to get to what happened with
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  my client. And I can't give too much
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  information because this is an ongoing situation.
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  Just in case the ex is listening.
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  Probably not, but you never know.
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  But I'm heated about this right now, so I need to do this while
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  I'm still passionate rather than later when I come from a more
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  logical point of view. Not that I'm not going to be
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  logical today, but you know. So I spoke with him about two
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  months ago and he's anxious, Surprise, surprise.
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  And because of the situation, I told them he was definitely
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  going to hear from his ex because she got into a rebound
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  like immediately, actually, she met the guy and then she broke
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  up with this guy like a week later.
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  And I said, yeah, don't even worry about it.
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  And I'm sure I said please work on your anxious attachment
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  style. And if I didn't, well, and I
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  recommend that to all my clients who have anxiety because that's
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  the key. And I know it's not sexy to have
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  to work on yourself and to read a book about anxiety, but if you
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  don't, you're going to do what this guy did.
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  So after about two months, the ex contacts him.
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  She's done with the other guy. So he just jumps right in.
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  Who cares about the six questions that I always talk
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  about? Just jumps right in, Oh, I love
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  you la, la, la, la. They start hanging out.
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  In fact, it was in a different state.
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  She was in a different state. So he flew to her.
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  Another big mistake. Of course, didn't ask the 6th
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  question. He just jumped right in with
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  both feet thinking that just because she contacted him, Yeah,
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  now they'd be back together. So that lasted a few days and
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  what do you know, surprise, surprise again.
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  Now she's like, oh, I don't know, I'm so stressed from this
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  other breakup. We'll see, you know, if it's
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  meant to be, we'll come back together.
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  So now he's freaking out even more because he thought for sure
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  that they were getting back together.
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  And it's like, yeah, no, that's not how it goes.
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  And to quote something that he wrote to me, he said my anxiety
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  is kicking in. I really don't want to lose her
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  again. I haven't reached out, and I'm
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  waiting. And I'm giving her the space.
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  Don't want to lose her again. What do you mean again?
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  You didn't get her back the first time, so how can you lose
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  someone again if you never had the back?
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  Just because they contact you and tell you a few things that
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  sound good, it doesn't mean they're back.
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  So she actually said to him that she needed space and, and he
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  agreed with it. And then he, and then he finally
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  contacted me. Like he didn't keep me in the
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  loop when all this was going on. Because, again, people hear from
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  their exes and they think, Oh, yeah, I don't need Lucio
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  anymore. Well, apparently you do because
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  he said that. He said to her, OK, you know,
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  I'm here waiting for you. Absolutely, absolutely wrong
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  thing to say because you're taking away their anxiety.
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  And I said, you need to text her back and say, actually, you know
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  what I need? I need space too, so that's
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  fine. And he said, no, no, I can't do
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  that. She might block me.
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  Well, let me tell you something about blocking.
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  If someone blocks you, guess what?
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  They can also unblock you. I know, shocking as it is, yeah,
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  they can actually unblock you once they block you.
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  And two, if someone blocks you because you express your
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  feelings, because you say that you too need space, they're
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  trying to control you. OK, It's about control.
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  Oh, I don't like what you said, so I'm blocking you to teach you
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  that next time that you express your feelings and you say
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  something I don't like, I'm going to block you.
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  So of course, he didn't do what I said.
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  So because of his anxiety and fear of losing her, he is coming
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  across as beta, otherwise known as a pussy.
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  And women need to feel safe. They cannot feel safe with the
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  beta. They cannot feel safe if they
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  have your balls and their purse. They cannot feel safe if you're
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  a doormat. They cannot feel safe if they
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  know that they can do whatever they want and you're just going
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  to sit there and take it because you're so anxious and because
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  you are so interested in them and because you can't live
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  without them. Again, the key to this whole
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  thing is anxiety. Working on your anxiety.
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  That way if you're a man, you don't hang your balls over to
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  someone else and you're not afraid to express your feelings
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  because they might block you. And she's using all kinds of
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  excuses. Oh, I'm stressed.
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  Stress. When someone says they're
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  stressed, that's a lie. I mean, yeah, they could
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  definitely be stressed. But if they use that as their
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  reason for backing away, no, it just sounds good.
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  Oh, I'm stressed. Oh, OK, I'll leave you alone.
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  No, no. If you are truly someone's
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  partner, if they truly love you and care about you and have high
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  interest in you, they're not going to get rid of you because
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  of stress, because you are their de stressor.
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  You help them feel safe, you help them relax.
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  You help regulate their nervous system.
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  So why would they get rid of you if they're stressed?
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  It's because it sounds like a good excuse to use when they
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  want to back away. So what should he have done
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  instead? Because he did everything wrong.
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  Well, when she first contacted him and she said, oh, I, I left
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  the other guy whatever she said he should have said.
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  That's nice. What does it have to?
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  What do you want with me? What does it have to do with me?
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  Oh, well, I want you back. OK, maybe what we see, we'll
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  see. We can talk about it.
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  And then you slowly bring up the six questions.
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  You don't just jump right in. Oh my God, you're available
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  again. You're free.
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  OK, I'll fly right over to you right now as fast as I can.
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  You don't start saying I love you.
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  You dip your toe in very, very slowly.
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  Rushing to get your ex back is not going to work.
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  As much as your nervous system wants you to hurry up and get on
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  stable ground. You need to go slowly, but
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  you're not going to be able to because you have an anxious
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  attachment style or an anxious avoidant attachment style.
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  So again, for those of you who have that attachment style, I'm
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  literally begging you. If you want the best chance to
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  get your ex back, you have to, well, you don't have to do
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  anything. You know, if you want to be
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  average and most people are, you want to be mediocre and most
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  people are, then don't do anything.
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  But if you really want to have the best chance at a great
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  relationship, then you need to work on your attachment style.
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  And if you can't, go to therapy. There's books, there's the book
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  anxiously attached and there's the book attached.
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  And I'll put the link below the video and start working on it by
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  yourself so that when you do hear from your ex, you will be
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  more than capable of handling the situation, whether you're
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  getting coaching from me or not. So I hope I've made myself
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  clear. OK, so now I'd like to hear from
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  you. How long have you been in no
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  contact and how's it going? And if you would like my help to
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  get your ex back, you can go to theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 11:44
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
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  The direct link is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 11:51
  If you found this helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 11:55
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 11:57
  podcast and you want to help the show, download this episode.
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  And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
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  enlightens.