Latest / Confident and Empowered Women / Stop Negotiating With Yourself | EP 327

Transcript

Stop Negotiating With Yourself | EP 327 · Confident and Empowered Women

• 0:05
  Have you ever noticed that the promises you make to everybody else somehow become appointments, but the promises you make to yourself become suggestions?
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  You'll make a promise to yourself only to break it by the end of the day You'll negotiate with yourself in ways you would never do with anybody else.
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  You'll hit yourself with the, "I'll start Monday.
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  I'll go for the walk tomorrow.
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  I'll set the boundary after the holidays.
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  I'll have the conversation when the timing is right.
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  I'll rest after I finish just one more thing."
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  And yet somehow six months later, you're still standing in the same place, or maybe you've gotten really good at convincing yourself that tomorrow is a better day to start.
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  Now, if your best friend said those exact same words to you every single day, eventually you'd look at her and say, "Girl, are you gonna do it or not?"
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  And yet when you finally have a few moments of peace, you realize you keep talking yourself out of the very things you've been praying for.
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  So not only are we gonna talk about why this keeps happening, but what you can do to finally negotiate in your own favor And before we get this party started, welcome friend to Confident and Empowered Women, Where we're
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  building self-love, confidence, boundaries that build, and the life you truly love one decision at a time.
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  I'm your host, Letitia, and around here we have the kind of conversations you're probably having late at night after everyone else has gone to bed The conversations about healing, identity, purpose, the kind that make you sit back and
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  think, "Woo, I needed that."
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  So if that sounds like your kind of place, hit subscribe because I'd love to continue walking alongside you.
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  Now let's get into it Hey friend, there was a season where literally everything depended on me, and I'm not even exaggerating I was a single mom raising two kids on my own.
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  And if you've ever been a single mom, you know there's no tapping somebody else in If I didn't work, the bills didn't get paid.
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  If I didn't grocery shop, nobody was having Taco Tuesday, and that within itself would've been a tragedy.
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  If I didn't sign the permission slip, nobody was going on the field trip.
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  If I didn't stay up late folding laundry, guess who was up looking for clean socks at 4:00 AM the next morning, frazzled and trying to get it together before one of the kids copped an attitude?
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  And honestly, I wore that responsibility like a badge of honor.
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  I thought that's what good moms did.
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  I thought leaving myself off the list was just the price of admission into the best moms club maybe you've been a member there too.
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  You don't need to fill out an application and there is no orientation.
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  One day you just realize you've been wearing the jersey for years It happens somewhere between your 10th meeting of the day, sports practice drop-offs, packing lunches, answering one more email, and being the person everybody calls because you'll know
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  what to do.
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  It happens while you're remembering everybody else's birthday and being the emergency contact, but at the same time, forgetting to schedule your own doctor's appointment.
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  It happens while you're helping everybody else build their dreams and quietly convincing yourself yours can wait.
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  And then one day, you catch your reflection in the mirror, and you think, "I don't even know what I want anymore," and nobody bothered to ask And just like me, friend, nobody asked me to disappear.
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  Not my kids, not the job, life did it.
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  It just happened one small negotiation at a time.
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  And I wasn't negotiating with my calendar, although it may seem that way, especially when it's all booked up doing everything for everybody else.
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  I was negotiating with myself.
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  I'll rest later.
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  I'll schedule that doctor's appointment soon.
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  I'll take the walk tomorrow.
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  I'll finally make some time for me after.
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  And guess what?
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  There's always another after.
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  After the laundry, the promotion, the school year, the holidays, the next season.
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  The negotiation truly never ends Because the issue was never time, it was permission.
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  Because listen, somewhere between you taking care of the kids, being the greatest best friend, and bailing your cousin out yet again, you unconsciously decided everyone else deserved immediate care, and you could wait.
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  It feels honorable, admirable, like you just being the best ever.
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  And because it's dressed up in what looks like being a great mom, the best friend, You don't even notice It happens when you're so busy managing everybody else's life.
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  Meanwhile, you stopped checking in on your own a long time ago Then one day you look in the mirror and the woman looking back at you feels strangely familiar, but also like someone you haven't spent any time with
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  in years.
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  Only it's not a scene from a movie you've seen countless times.
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  This is your real life And what's even more annoying is by the time you finally realize what's going on, you can't even be mad at nobody.
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  I know I couldn't because nobody asked me to disappear Society did not knock on my door and say, "Hey, Letitia, would you mind putting yourself last forever?"
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  Although high key, that is the expectation every single day there was one thing that felt more urgent than me And here's the part that was heartbreaking.
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  Every urgent thing won And when it came to me, everything I put on the back burner from the walk, getting my rest, joy, and even the dream.
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  It could wait, but I wasn't just postponing tasks, I was postponing me Have you ever had that friend every month she says, "Girl, we have to get together"?
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  At first, you get excited, and then after the fourth cancellation, you stop getting ready.
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  You stop moving things around on your calendar because you love her.
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  You just don't believe her anymore And friend, what if that's become your relationship with yourself?
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  Every Monday, I'm starting.
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  Every January, this is my year.
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  Every birthday, this is gonna be different.
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  Your heart keeps believing you, but your actions keep canceling the reservation.
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  And discipline and motivation, they keep catching the strays, and they ain't even the ones to blame.
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  It's about trust.
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  Confidence isn't disappearing because something's wrong with you.
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  Confidence has been waiting for evidence.
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  Every time you keep your word, you hand your confidence another receipt And you know we love us a good receipt because it's tangible.
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  So here are three things to unlearn because sometimes growth isn't about learning something new.
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  Sometimes it's about letting go of the beliefs you've been carrying that were never yours to begin with.
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  One, we are unlearning that putting ourselves last makes us a better woman.
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  Friend, so many of us have been handed this invisible measuring stick.
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  The more exhausted you are, the more selfless you are, the more you sacrifice, the better woman you must be.
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  And I bought into that for years, especially as a single mom.
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  I thought leaving myself off the list was proof that I loved my kids, but my children never asked me to disappear.
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  That was a story I told myself, and I want you to hear me with your whole heart when I say this.
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  You don't have to abandon yourself to prove your love for other people.
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  In fact, the women who love the deepest are often the women who know how to replenish themselves, too.
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  So today, we're replacing that belief with this one.
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  Taking care of myself doesn't take away from the people I love.
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  It allows me to love them from my overflow Instead of trying to do it from an empty cup Two, we're unlearning that later is a plan Now friend, we gonna laugh together for a second, okay?
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  Because later was something that had been written on my calendar in invisible ink for years.
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  I'll start working out later.
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  I'll make the appointment later.
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  I'll write the book later.
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  Okay, now that one really is me calling myself up, okay?
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  Friend, listen, later is not a date, it's a delay.
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  And here's what I really had to come to grips with.
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  Because truth be told, the walk was not waiting, my life was.
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  So we're replacing later with this question: What's one small promise I can keep today?
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  Not next Monday, certainly not on January 1st, but today.
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  Because confidence grows in today's decisions, not tomorrow's intentions.
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  Okay?
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  Ooh, that was a bar, friend.
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  Write that down.
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  And three, we are unlearning that everyone gets immediate care and we can wait.
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  Now friend, I really want you to lean into this.
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  If your child said, "Mom, my stomach hurts," you'd respond.
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  If your boss emailed you with something urgent, you'd respond.
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  If your best friend called you crying, you would spring into action, friend.
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  But when your own body says, "I'm tired," when your heart says, "I need a break," when your soul whispers, "I miss you," how often is the response, "Not right now"?
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  Friend, what if whole time you've been the emergency you've been ignoring?
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  If you keep putting yourself at the bottom of the list, eventually you'll run out of yourself to give, and that doesn't serve anyone.
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  So today, we're replacing that belief with this one.
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  I deserve the same care, compassion, and follow through that I so freely give to everyone else Now friend, tomorrow you're gonna wake up, brush your teeth, pour your coffee, maybe even reheat it three times.
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  Your calendar is still going to be full.
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  Your kids are still gonna need you.
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  Your boss is still gonna email you.
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  Life isn't suddenly going to get quieter no time soon.
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  So don't wait for life to make room for your transformation.
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  Bring your transformation into the life you're already living Cue in The Main Character Momentum Builder.
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  Not someday, not when everything slows down, but today in the middle of your real life Because identity is not built in perfect conditions.
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  It's built while the laundry is spinning, the groceries still need to be put away, and you are choosing once again to become the woman you said you wanted to be And we are building that momentum right now.
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  So grab yours in the show notes okay, it is really important to say this.
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  This is not about becoming selfish.
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  It's about becoming trustworthy because every time you keep one small promise to yourself, you are reminding your heart you matter too.
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  And that's exactly what we're gonna practice in this week's self-love two-step remix.
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  Step one, catch the negotiation.
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  every time you wanna say, "I'll do it later," after the holidays, when life calms down, when everyone else is okay, those are not plans, they are negotiations.
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  And awareness is where everything begins to change.
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  When you repeatedly tell yourself, "I'll do it tomorrow," and tomorrow never comes, your brain starts collecting evidence.
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  Not evidence that you're lazy, evidence that your promises are not reliable.
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  No wonder confidence feels shaky.
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  Confidence isn't built by making promises.
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  It's built by keeping them.
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  So catch the negotiation because every negotiation teaches you what your word is really worth to you Step two, replace it with a non-negotiable.
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  Friend, I'm gonna tag you in because this is where your power comes alive.
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  This is where you put your name back on the calendar, not because you've earned it or everything has been finished.
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  It's because you have become the non-negotiable.
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  So what is the one thing that you will do for yourself today?
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  And make this a standing appointment with yourself.
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  Take the walk, make the doctor's appointment, take that nap, connect with a friend or take one step towards your dream What is that one non-negotiable that you will do for you today?
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  Because every negotiation reinforces an identity.
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  An identity isn't created only on your best days.
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  It's created in ordinary moments.
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  Every time you put yourself as a priority on your list, you're rehearsing an identity.
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  you are owning, "I'm the woman who takes care of myself."
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  Eventually, your life starts reflecting the new identity you've been rehearsing.
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  So make one promise, keep it, and let your confidence collect the receipt And step three, the you step.
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  You get still, you get quiet, and you ask yourself, "What is my heart telling me to do next?"
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  And whatever comes up, that is your next right aligned step.
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  You don't need the whole plan Just the next move and trust her, friend.
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  She already knows Now let me pour into you right quick.
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  Can I just tell you what I wish somebody would've told the younger version of me?
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  The woman driving home exhausted after yet another long day, the woman folding laundry at 10:00 at night, the woman who thought being needed meant never needing anything herself.
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  I've wrapped my arms around her and said, "You don't have to disappear to prove your love.
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  Your children don't need your exhaustion.
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  Your career doesn't need your burnout.
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  Nobody needs you depleted.
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  The world doesn't become brighter because you become smaller."
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  The women you admire aren't powerful because they never chose themselves.
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  They are powerful because at some point they stopped believing that self-abandonment was the price of being a good woman or a great mom Friend, you belong in your life, and not just when everybody else is taken care of,
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  but right now.
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  So here's the question I wanna leave with you.
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  Where have you become the easiest person in your life to disappoint?
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  And listen, no shame, no shade, and no judgment.
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  This is to reveal to yourself, because awareness isn't where the story ends.
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  It's where a new one begins.
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  Your confidence has never been waiting for the perfect planner, the perfect routine, or even the perfect Monday.
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  It's been waiting for a woman who finally believes she's worthy of keeping her word to herself.
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  And remember, you are not asking for too much by refusing to negotiate yourself anymore But friend, yes, you deserve to fall in love with yourself, your days, and your life.
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  Not someday, but right now.
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  And this conversation, this work that you showed up for, this is how it happens, one layer at a time.
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  Until next time, keep becoming, keep remembering.
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  And no matter what comes your way, together we can encourage over everything.
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  And I'll see you soon