Latest / Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor / Mojo Monday - The Surprising Upside of Caring What People Think With Carly Taylor

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Mojo Monday - The Surprising Upside of Caring What People Think With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, Carlie Taller here for this week's Mojo Monday.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to start with a question, how much
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: do you worry what other people think of you? And
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: how much does what other people think of you affect
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: what you do or don't do. So the second question
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: is important because so often we will make a choice
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: based on what other people's judgment of us is, or
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: at least the perceived judgment, which is totally normal, but
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: also it can become the thing that stops you from
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: doing what matters to you. It stops you from living
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: your life to the fullest, It stops you from reaching
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: your potential, and it stops you from doing the things
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: that deep down you really want to do. And it
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: can become a fault for so many people, not realizing
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: that they are basing their choices on what other people
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: may think. So we're all wired to want connection and
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: belonging and that is not a weakness, that's biology. But
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: sometimes that healthy desire for connection turns into people pleasing
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: or what we'll call self silencing, where we can make
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: ourselves small. And the problem is that we think we
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: know what other people are thinking, but at the end
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: of the day, we don't because there's no crystal ball,
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: there's no mind reading. There's just our assumptions, and they're
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: usually shaped by self doubt or past experiences. But here's
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: something to consider. Not everybody's feedback or not everybody's judgment
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: of us is equal.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: So there are people.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Whose opinions or thoughts about our actually do matter to us,
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: and then there are opinions of people who don't really matter,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: but for some reason, our minds make it out that
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: it does matter.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: And I think it's really important to get clear on that.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: And there's this Bob Dylan quote in a song which
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: I really love, and I will admit that I am
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: a bit of a worrier what people think of me.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: And when I have spoken to or talked to Paul,
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: my husband about it and host of this podcast, he
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: will often quote this line to me, so's it doesn't
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: mean that much to me to mean that much to you.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: So I'll say that again, it doesn't mean that much
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: to me to mean that much to you.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: So maybe that's a question.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: To ask ourselves, does the judgment of this person mean
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: anything to me? And here's another perspective on this. What
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: if the discomfort you're feeling about being judged by this
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: person is actually an opportunity, an opportunity to develop a
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: really powerful life skill, and that is focusing rather than
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: focusing on what they're thinking and worrying about what someone
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: else is thinking, you focus on what actually matters to you,
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: and you commit to what matters to you. You do
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: what's important to you despite those noisy thoughts, despite what
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: others may or may not be thinking about you. And
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: that's a real skill to keep moving forward even when
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: that worry shows up, because it's so easy to retreat
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: back and go, oh, no, that person's thinking this of me.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: I can't do that.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: So that's where the real work is, not getting rid
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: of those thoughts and not going into battle with them,
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: but learning to walk alongside them and still move in the.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: Direction that matters to you.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: And the thing is is you actually get to choose
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: whose opinion matters. And I think that's where where we
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: can take a step back and look at this just
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: from a bit of a distance, because if the person
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: you are worrying about actually does share your values or
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: is on a similar path to you, or somebody that
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: you admire, then maybe your perception of their judgment or
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: what they're thinking of you is actually going to be helpful.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: So let those possible opinions guide you, so you can
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: ask yourself, if they were thinking these things, is that
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: helpful to me? Is there anything that I can do
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: in response to that? So don't be guided by the
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: random critic in your head of people whose opinions are
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: actually not relevant to you unless you choose.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: To make them relevant.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: So for me, it does matter to me what my
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: friends think of me and I approach this is feedback,
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: and that's often helpful for growth and improvement. But at
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: the end of the day, unless they are telling you
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: outright what they are thinking, you don't really know.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: It's all just in your head. It's not reality.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: But the thoughts in your head they could be helpful.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: They may or may not be helpful, but there could
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: be a message there. And there's no harm in reflecting
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: on the choices that you're making right now and whether
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: there are alternative choices. So here are the takeaways from this.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: You can't control what people think, but you can choose
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: what you focus on and what actions you take, So
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: don't let the perceived judgment.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: Of others stop you in your tracks.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: You can move through it and focus.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: On what you need to do.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: And you can also approach these worried thoughts as whether
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: they're helpful to you or not helpful, and if they
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: are helpful, then you can do some problem solving there,
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: but if they're not helpful, then you put your attention
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: onto what matters and worrying about the judgment of others.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: It isn't a floor, so there's no need to fight it.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: It's a moment to practice living more in alignment with
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: what really matters to you, and you can take that
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: worry discomfort along for the ride.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: So that's all for this week.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in again and as always, keeps
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: showing up for yourself even when they're in a credit
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: is allowed, or even when you're unsure of what others
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: may or may not be thinking. I will catch you
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: next week. See ya,