Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / The Psychology of Control. Ambiguity

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The Psychology of Control. Ambiguity · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode one of the series The Psychology of Control.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: The preceding episode was by way of introduction.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to start with this first episode by focusing on ambiguity and the weaponization of uncertainty.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Before I do, I've had some very gratifying messages about some of the graphics that I use to head the episodes.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: And some of you have made mention of particular characters looking familiar.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's entirely coincidental.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: But thank you anyway.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: So in this first episode, I want to focus on ambiguity.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a very powerful mechanism that is often used by those who control the narrative, the relationship, the situation.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I suppose ambiguity really, in its simplest form, means a lack of clarity, a half-truth, vagueness.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: When something is never fully clear, no matter how much you ask, because it's being concealed or avoided.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that's apparent in in behaviour, not just words, so that the person isn't fully available, but neither are they fully unavailable.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: They're not truly or fully loving, but they're not fully rejecting either.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And there's just enough warmth to keep you connected.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And just enough distance to keep you uncertain.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking here the image that comes to mind is puppets and strings.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And over time you somehow find yourself living in the space between connection and disconnection, certainty and uncertainty, waiting and watching and interpreting and accommodating.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you start analysing simple things like tone and timing and pauses and subtle things like eye contacts, shifts in energy and meanings beneath words.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because somehow you've learned that your emotional safety in a relationship depends almost entirely upon correctly reading the atmosphere.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this is what ambiguity does.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: It creates a kind of psychological occupation.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: The person becomes psychologically occupied with the other person because they're working on using intuition, interpretation, translation rather than just being straightforward and consistent.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So in this episode, we're not looking at accidental uncertainty, we're not ordinary human inconsistency, but ambiguity used psychologically as a mechanism of influence and control, and as a mechanism to destabilize.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because one of the most powerful ways to organize another human being is to prevent them from ever feeling fully certain.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And when this happens in in families, what we see are destructive patterns within the family system, which leave people never with a sense of really knowing and trusting what they know because it's it's not it's not constant, it's subject to change.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And this can happen in a parent's behavior towards another parent, towards children.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we see this through avoidance when there is something clearly wrong, but which is not being spoken, which is not being confronted, it just kind of goes underground.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And the uncertainty that that creates is very powerful and keeps people in a state of heightened stress arousal.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: So this is ambiguity on the surface can be interpreted just as oh well, it's just another event.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: But is it if it's a pattern, it's very destabilizing and very destructive.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I think when certainty is is withheld, then the mind has to work harder.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: It scans, it interprets and predicts and it analyses.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And interestingly, the person doing this is not likely to say, hang on, this is controlling behavior.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're not likely to call it out, and certainly not with the person concerned, because said controlling person wouldn't be able to tolerate that.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: But I think regardless of that, there comes a point where we say, no, this isn't about me.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I need to stop looking at my own behavior to try and see if I can explain something.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, no, it's about the other person, and there isn't really anything you can do to change it, but you can call it out, and that's something we'll talk about in another episode.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I think the more uncertain the environment becomes, the more psychologically preoccupied the individuals within it become.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not it's not weakness, it's it's attachment psychology because we're looking for a sense of attachment, a sense of connection that we can rely upon.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to make something really concrete here because ambiguity is not an abstract concept, it's a lived experience.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds like I never said that.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: It can also sound like I always tell the truth, I never lie.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the thing is you don't tell the whole truth, though, do you?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: You tell the part that fits your narrative.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or it might be things like you're overthinking again, or why must you always think that there's some sort of meaning in what I'm doing that really isn't there?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're just overreacting.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or things like, I'm just tired after behaving warmly and intimately the night before and then becoming emotionally cold and the following morning without explanation.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or it's messages left deliberately unanswered for long periods, or affection that appears intensely and then disappears, or warmth in private and distance in public, or emotional closeness followed by unexplained withdrawal.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And when you react, the focus shifts to your reaction.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're too sensitive, you're too demanding, nothing at all.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: You always make things into something bigger than they are, and so on.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, ambiguity changes the internal world of the other person.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because at first they seek clarification, and then they seek reassurance, and then eventually they begin monitoring themselves and they think maybe I misunderstood, maybe I'm too reactive, maybe they're right, maybe I do expect too much, or maybe the problem is me.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that is the turning point.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because once somebody begins doubting their own perceptions, they become easier to organize psychologically.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And ambiguity very often will have an intermittent reinforcement.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And this is critical to understand because sometimes ambiguity is characterized by intermittent warmth.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: So if somebody were consistently cold, the relationship would often collapse quickly.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: But ambiguity does something else because it introduces hope.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a warming evening after emotional distance or an affectionate message after days of withdrawal, moments of intimacy after prolonged uncertainty, and those moments become psychologically addictive because the individual begins pursuing not the relationship itself, but the restoration of emotional connection.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: In highly ambiguous relationships, people often describe the same kinds of experiences, and I hear these things a good deal, people describing walking on eggshells, feeling hyper-vigilant, monitoring their mood constantly or trying to get it right, but never being able to.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And gradually their internal stability becomes organized around another person's emotional unpredictability.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is not healthy.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is psychological preoccupation.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: When we have children living within ambiguous emotional systems, they often become exceptionally perceptive.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they're naturally secure, but because they've learned they must constantly read the environment.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And they will notice tone changes, body movements, facial expressions, tension shifts, silence and emotional undercurrents.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because in ambiguous family systems, certainty is dangerous.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the child learns never to assume safety, never to trust stability, or at least not fully, and never to relax psychologically.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this will carry directly into subsequent adult relationships.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to understand that there's a distinction in the fact that healthy relationships may contain difficulty, but they don't consistently produce confusion.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: They don't require us to read it again psychologically.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Difficulty is not the same as destabilization.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship allows for clarification, repair, emotional reality, and mutual understanding.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: But chronically, ambiguous relationships produce something else persistent uncertainty, persistent self-questioning, persistent emotional disorganization.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, that confusion becomes normalized.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's the paradox.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: People often stay in ambiguous dynamics far longer than outsiders may understand.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because ambiguity prevents full emotional resolution.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's always another explanation, another moment of warmth, another possibility, another hope that things will return to what they once seemed to be.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: That was the illusion that trapped you in the first place.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And psychologically, hope is extraordinarily binding, especially when attached to intermittent reward.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: The beginning of separation usually starts quietly, not with certainty, but with a growing awareness.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Things like I shouldn't feel this psychologically unstable this often.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And this sentence matters because it marks the return of self-observation.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: The person begins recognizing the pattern, the inconsistency, the emotional occupation, and the effect ambiguity has had upon their internal world.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: The enormous amount of emotional pain that this kind of stuck state creates is truly awful.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because people are left in a state of occupation, uncertainty, anxiety, and in some instances torment because they are caught up in the web of ambiguous behavior that the other person has spun.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Control of this kind doesn't look aggressive, it doesn't look violent, it is seemingly subtle, yet the power in that is considerable, and the damage, which is recoverable, but the damage is considerable.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: For years later, one woman said, ten years after she ended the relationship, she still feels the effects of being in what was an abusive relationship, but where ambiguity, reframing, and control were constant features.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And this state of uncertainty is a psychological lived experience.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't just go away, it requires some kind of recovery process, which I've talked about in other podcasts, and I'll return to in this one.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I think for now what we're trying to do is to have an understanding of what this actually looks like.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it must be said that there isn't mean, conscious, malicious behavior, but psychologically ambiguity serves a function because it maintains asymmetry.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: So the ambiguous person remains psychologically central, but difficult to predict or challenge and difficult to leave emotionally.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Quite often such people will be preoccupied with the latest drama in their lives, the latest wrongdoing that they have encountered, and they will always externalize the responsibility for the bad things allegedly that have happened, and they will subcontract the responsibility for making it better or being emotionally containing to the person with whom they are being ambiguous.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: On the one hand, they're saying, you really matter to me, you're the only person that understands, and I tell everything to you.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, but actually you're being used as a service because you're not getting anything from it.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're getting maybe a hint of you're meaningful to me, you're significant, sometimes even I don't know what I'd do without you.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Sooner or later, those people find out exactly what to do without you.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: But it it the dynamic here, and this is the important point, is that hope is almost something uh w which which keeps you in a state of semi-permanent, uh semi-permanent locking.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: And what I've what I've noticed is as part people start to realize what's going on, they start to ask questions like, is is this really right?
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: This can't this can't be right.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the beginning of of of realization.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I think what's important is that you the people who are using ambiguity as a as a control mechanism are actually gaining something.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow we collude with the illusion that we're actually meaningful, when in fact we're not, we're just a service.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: The imbalance eventually starts to consolidate itself and it becomes normalized.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: The most dangerous thing about ambiguity is not simply that it creates confusion, it's that prolonged confusion changes the way that people relate to themselves.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: They stop trusting their instincts and stop trusting their perceptions, they stop trusting their emotional reality, and once that happens, well, they certainly become easier to manage psychologically.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: But ambiguity loses the power the moment it is recognized.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you can name the pattern, once you can see it, you're no longer trapped inside it.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps this is the question people eventually have to ask themselves.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody cares genuinely about your psychological well-being, then why do you so often leave interactions with them feeling uncertain, destabilized, and emotionally disorientated?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy connection brings clarity, not chronic confusion.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: These things happen in relationships, personal relationships, friendships, intimate relationships, family relationships, working relationships.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: And not one of us gets through life without experiencing something like this.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I suppose understanding this psychological control mechanism has application in many senses and in many ways.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to produce an episode which has to do with a family.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to talk about the origins of that family, the development and the growth of that family, where control and a whole lot of other psychologically frail factors came into being.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: And how eventually the family fell apart.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: And how looking as I tend to forensically or in simple language, joining the dots, this can be explained.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't so much to do with look at what happened to this family, it's look at what can happen and how it can happen.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it may very well be the case that those who listen will identify parts of this in their own family.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: As you'll appreciate, I have to be very careful in the way that I present this because I don't want people to be identified.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is that the dynamics, the outcomes, the risks and the consequences are real and they are more common than white one might imagine.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.