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265. Gray requires discomfort · Your Enriched Self

0:23
Speaker 1: Hello my friends from all across the globe and welcome
0:27
Speaker 1: to the Your Enriched Self Podcast. I am your host
0:31
Speaker 1: My lane noir, I am an emotional wellness and empowerment coach.
0:36
Speaker 1: And all that means is I am looking out here
0:38
Speaker 1: for you. I know that out here in these streets,
0:42
Speaker 1: out here in this world, that you want to become
0:46
Speaker 1: more of your enriched self. But in order to do that,
0:51
Speaker 1: you have to start thinking about things differently. So that's
0:56
Speaker 1: what we do on this podcast. We talk about mindset
1:00
Speaker 1: fusion There are a whole host of things that we
1:04
Speaker 1: talk about here. Because I know if you're listening, you
1:08
Speaker 1: want to show up wherever you go as the best
1:11
Speaker 1: version of you. And it starts with your thinking. Listen,
1:14
Speaker 1: everything that you do in this life starts with a thought.
1:19
Speaker 1: The thoughts then become the words that you're used. And
1:25
Speaker 1: those words then become the action and the activity that
1:29
Speaker 1: And it all starts with a thought. So that's why
1:31
Speaker 1: your thoughts are important and they matter. So if this
1:36
Speaker 1: is your first time listening, I want to thank you
1:39
Speaker 1: for being here, for listening. I know that you were
1:42
Speaker 1: brought here on purpose, for a purpose. And if you
1:48
Speaker 1: are a repeat listener, I want to thank you, thank you,
1:51
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you. Because of you, we have a podcast.
1:56
Speaker 1: And we've been doing this for quite some time. We
1:59
Speaker 1: have over 250 episodes and it's because of you. So
2:03
Speaker 1: thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing and
2:06
Speaker 1: liking and making this your place each and every week. Now,
2:14
Speaker 1: if you know, you know, before I get into this
2:18
Speaker 1: week's episode, there's something I do each and every week.
2:23
Speaker 1: And that is make a deposit into the bank of you.
2:27
Speaker 1: And I do that. by way of affirmations. Affirmations are
2:33
Speaker 1: a great way to start your day and to command
2:38
Speaker 1: your morning. And this week's affirmation is, I give myself
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Speaker 1: permission to sit in the gray, learn from my experiences
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Speaker 1: and trust the process of becoming. I give myself permission
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Speaker 1: to sit in the gray, learn from my experiences, and
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Speaker 1: trust the process of becoming. I give myself permission to
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Speaker 1: sit in the gray, learn from my experiences, and trust
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Speaker 1: the process of becoming. Now, let's get ready for this
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Speaker 1: week's episode of of the Your Enriched Self podcast. I
3:34
Speaker 1: was in conversation with a friend recently and they were
3:39
Speaker 1: recalling a situation that occurred and they immediately went to,
3:47
Speaker 1: where did I go wrong? And those words have stuck
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Speaker 1: with me. They have impacted me because In my mind,
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Speaker 1: as they were processing the situation that had occurred and
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Speaker 1: their assessment of the situation, which is apparently that they
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Speaker 1: had gone wrong, I started to wonder how we, how you,
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Speaker 1: how I process my experiences. And I think oftentimes we
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Speaker 1: are uncomfortable with uncertainty. And so when something happens, we
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Speaker 1: rush to judgment and we begin labeling experiences. We're quick
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Speaker 1: to do that. Think about situations that you find yourself in, experiences,
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Speaker 1: just like this person I was talking to, right? It's
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Speaker 1: either it's good or bad. I have succeeded or I
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Speaker 1: have failed. I have won or I have lost. I
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Speaker 1: am right or I am wrong. it's black or it's white.
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Speaker 1: I think those certainties of black or white, good or bad,
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Speaker 1: are what we want. And it makes us feel safe
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Speaker 1: because otherwise life isn't giving us a clear answer. I
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Speaker 1: want a clear answer. I want to know that I failed.
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Speaker 1: I want to know that I succeeded. And what happens
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Speaker 1: is that we enter gray. We are now in a
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Speaker 1: space of gray and it's a very uncomfortable space. And
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Speaker 1: I want to talk about gray today because gray, the
5:42
Speaker 1: gray area requires discomfort. Because what's happening with gray is
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Speaker 1: that it's asking you to sit with something that without
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Speaker 1: immediately labeling it like we would say yes or no,
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Speaker 1: right or wrong. Here's what I want you to do.
6:04
Speaker 1: I want you to really start to reconfigure how you
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Speaker 1: see this. First of all, I want you to walk
6:11
Speaker 1: into your experiences or walk out of your experiences with
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Speaker 1: the vibe, the notion that experiences are neutral. And that
6:25
Speaker 1: meaning is assigned. So think about an experience that you've
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Speaker 1: had or experiences that you've had. For example, maybe you
6:34
Speaker 1: applied for a job to get a promotion. Maybe it
6:39
Speaker 1: was a relationship that ended or perhaps somebody challenged an
6:45
Speaker 1: idea that you believe in. Your first instinct, when you
6:49
Speaker 1: think about all those circumstances, all those experiences, if you will,
6:54
Speaker 1: didn't get the promotion, difficult feedback, project failed, is to
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Speaker 1: label it bad, is to say it was a failure,
7:04
Speaker 1: is to say that that wasn't supposed to happen that way.
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Speaker 1: The truth is the experience didn't have a label. Think
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Speaker 1: about it. It didn't. You assigned a label, so you
7:17
Speaker 1: assigned a meaning. The truth is, and I had an
7:21
Speaker 1: episode not too long ago about Life isn't happening to me.
7:27
Speaker 1: It's happening for me. That was a conversation we had.
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Speaker 1: And this reminds me of that because if X didn't happen,
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Speaker 1: it may not have projected you or pointed you in
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Speaker 1: the direction that you're going today. Experiences help to shape us.
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Speaker 1: So when you're deeming something negatively or bad or good
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Speaker 1: or whatever, you're missing the neutrality that that experience could
7:54
Speaker 1: literally be moving you in a direction that you might
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Speaker 1: maybe not have gone through because it's unfamiliar. And of course,
8:02
Speaker 1: we like to walk in comfort and rather than discomfort.
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Speaker 1: But ultimately, whatever your experiences may have helped you become wiser.
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Speaker 1: So maybe you or someone may see something as a loss,
8:18
Speaker 1: but you just gained some wisdom. Or perhaps the thing,
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Speaker 1: and my mother always says this, is experience is a teacher.
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Speaker 1: Experience is your best teacher. And so what you might
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Speaker 1: deem as a failure could have been a teachable moment.
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Speaker 1: And now you have these wonderful lessons that you can
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Speaker 1: apply to your life and you can ultimately maybe even
8:40
Speaker 1: provide somebody some direction in their life based on your
8:44
Speaker 1: life experiences. Think about your mentors. your coaches, your leaders, right?
8:50
Speaker 1: They've had experiences that they tend to share with you
8:55
Speaker 1: to help you and shape your perspective so you can
8:58
Speaker 1: walk a different path. Some people say, this person walks
9:02
Speaker 1: so I can run. That's essentially what's happening. That's what
9:05
Speaker 1: the gray does. And I think we miss that. I
9:09
Speaker 1: think there's also something, again, very attractive about this black
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Speaker 1: and white thinking. Like we want to have a side
9:17
Speaker 1: here or a side there, right? We want to know
9:19
Speaker 1: something's good. That means we want to feel good. If
9:22
Speaker 1: something's bad, we now have somebody to blame, right? That's
9:26
Speaker 1: how it is. If I won, that means I'm successful.
9:29
Speaker 1: I won. I'm successful. If I lost, that means I
9:32
Speaker 1: have failed. I have heard this quote, and I've mentioned
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Speaker 1: this before, that success leaves clues. I would say, quote unquote,
9:39
Speaker 1: failure leaves clues. Really? Really? experiences leave clues. Again, if
9:44
Speaker 1: we're going back to experiences as a net neutral, anything
9:48
Speaker 1: you experience, whether you label it or not, it's going
9:52
Speaker 1: to leave clues. Life can be that simple, but we've
9:56
Speaker 1: over complicated it with this way of thinking. We have
10:02
Speaker 1: this way of thinking that takes us away from the gray.
10:06
Speaker 1: Here's the thing about getting into the gray. And that's
10:09
Speaker 1: what I really want you to embrace today. I know
10:11
Speaker 1: it's different. I know it's challenging the way you've normally
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Speaker 1: thought about things, but I really want you to embrace
10:18
Speaker 1: this notion of gray, because gray is saying to you
10:21
Speaker 1: right now that two opposite things can both be true, right?
10:29
Speaker 1: Think about something that hurt you. Maybe it was a
10:34
Speaker 1: relationship that ended, right? And I was having this conversation
10:39
Speaker 1: with a friend who was in a relationship with someone.
10:43
Speaker 1: And when that relationship ended, it devastated them. They felt low,
10:51
Speaker 1: they felt less than, they felt like they couldn't go on.
10:55
Speaker 1: And you've heard these similar stories. Perhaps you have a
10:59
Speaker 1: story like this where you were in a relationship and
11:02
Speaker 1: because you ended that relationship, you found the person you're
11:05
Speaker 1: with now. And you're grateful because you have found or
11:10
Speaker 1: learned through that failed, as you called it, right? That terrible,
11:15
Speaker 1: as you called it, right? Relationship. You found more about
11:20
Speaker 1: yourself and what your needs are. And that led you
11:25
Speaker 1: to a person who could align better with those needs.
11:29
Speaker 1: So again, these are the things that happen in life.
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Speaker 1: These are the gray areas, but you don't feel gray
11:35
Speaker 1: at that time. You feel broken. You feel lost. And
11:38
Speaker 1: those are losses. Those are terrible things, right? That's the
11:41
Speaker 1: negative side of things. That's the failure side of things.
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Speaker 1: And I want you to look at your situations, the
11:51
Speaker 1: experiences that you're walking through, and just realize they're neutral.
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Speaker 1: Don't assign anything to them, okay? Because again, two opposite
12:02
Speaker 1: things can be true at the same time, right? For example,
12:09
Speaker 1: I'm working on a project, I'm a project manager, and
12:12
Speaker 1: perhaps I did not get the outcome I wanted. Maybe
12:16
Speaker 1: I was working on a pilot program and I thought
12:19
Speaker 1: it was going to go in the direction of A,
12:21
Speaker 1: but it went in the direction of Z. And now
12:25
Speaker 1: what does that mean? I want you to challenge yourself
12:28
Speaker 1: in situations like that. What that means is I've just
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Speaker 1: gained information from A to Z, right? Because I was
12:36
Speaker 1: looking at A only, but now I've gone all the
12:38
Speaker 1: way down to Z and there's some things between A
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Speaker 1: and Z that I are valuable to help me shape this,
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Speaker 1: create this, set up processes for this that I would
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Speaker 1: not have known had I not gone through the process,
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Speaker 1: had I not gone through the steps, had I not
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Speaker 1: muddied the waters under me to get to Z, right?
13:05
Speaker 1: And so that's what it's all about. It's uncomfortable. Muddy
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Speaker 1: waters are not comfortable, okay? When it's raining outside, it's
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Speaker 1: not comfortable, right? Same thing with the gray area, right?
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Speaker 1: Because you're not getting the immediate relief. You're not getting
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Speaker 1: that relief of a label. We want a label so bad.
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Speaker 1: We want a label so bad. Listen, I want you
13:28
Speaker 1: to think about the gray area as an area of pause.
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Speaker 1: I want you to see it as an area where
13:36
Speaker 1: you can reflect. It perhaps may be when you're going
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Speaker 1: through this situation, when you're going through these things, I
13:44
Speaker 1: want you to ask another question. I want you to
13:49
Speaker 1: open up the area of your mind that extends to curiosity.
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Speaker 1: And that, I think, is where you can begin to
14:04
Speaker 1: open up a little bit more. Avoid those labels, right?
14:09
Speaker 1: Because the thing is, the truth is, we don't lose anything. Right.
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Speaker 1: We learn. So I want you to go from, man,
14:17
Speaker 1: I lost. We lost the game. I lost this job opportunity, whatever.
14:24
Speaker 1: I want you to go from I lost it. So
14:26
Speaker 1: here's what I learned about interviews. Here's what I learned
14:31
Speaker 1: about myself. Here's what I learned about what I want.
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Speaker 1: Maybe you interviewed for a job that you didn't get,
14:38
Speaker 1: that you lost only to learn that was not the
14:41
Speaker 1: job you wanted. Right. So I want you to start
14:45
Speaker 1: thinking about these situations, right? When we think about we
14:51
Speaker 1: don't lose, we learn. I want you to think about
14:53
Speaker 1: they're only outcomes. It was just an outcome. It's like
14:58
Speaker 1: conducting a science experiment, right? The scientific method. We learned that,
15:03
Speaker 1: I don't know, back in elementary school or whatever. And
15:06
Speaker 1: you did all these things to get an outcome. That's
15:08
Speaker 1: all you were interested in. It was never about being wrong.
15:13
Speaker 1: being messing up it was all about what did you
15:17
Speaker 1: learn because those steps if you follow the steps properly
15:21
Speaker 1: you should get the outcome that was designed for that
15:26
Speaker 1: particular experiment but if you don't follow the steps and
15:29
Speaker 1: you get a different outcome you can go back through
15:32
Speaker 1: and see where you missed some things and therefore you
15:37
Speaker 1: didn't have the same outcome and that's all it is
15:39
Speaker 1: so if you put it in that sense that all
15:42
Speaker 1: you're doing and life is truly a science experiment. You know,
15:47
Speaker 1: I've said this before, I'm a parent and having a child,
15:53
Speaker 1: raising a child, there is no manual for it. So
15:57
Speaker 1: there are things you are going to do that may
16:01
Speaker 1: be wrong, right? That's why it's so hard for people
16:05
Speaker 1: and it should be hard for people to judge people
16:08
Speaker 1: making decisions about their life, their lifestyle, their family life,
16:14
Speaker 1: what they're doing. I mean, there's some things that obviously
16:17
Speaker 1: we want to stay in line with, but ultimately we're
16:23
Speaker 1: making choices. I just want you to think about it
16:27
Speaker 1: like that. You're making choices that fit for the situation
16:32
Speaker 1: that you're in. You're making choices that make sense to
16:36
Speaker 1: you with the information you have. So for me, I
16:40
Speaker 1: might label you wrong, but you may have limited information.
16:46
Speaker 1: You may not have enough information. You may have been
16:49
Speaker 1: given bad information. And so therefore your choice in my
16:56
Speaker 1: mind might not be the right choice, but it's net
17:00
Speaker 1: neutral because it's just based on information. Okay. And so
17:05
Speaker 1: what happens is we walk through life, right? We don't
17:10
Speaker 1: necessarily have the instructions, right? Some outcomes do have instructions.
17:16
Speaker 1: Some outcomes have preferred paths, right? Okay, think about it
17:23
Speaker 1: like this. Think about a child learning to walk. This
17:27
Speaker 1: is probably the best example, okay? The child is learning
17:31
Speaker 1: to walk, they fall. What do they do? I've never
17:36
Speaker 1: seen a child learning how to walk And they just
17:40
Speaker 1: start crying because they fail. No, they get back up.
17:44
Speaker 1: They adjust. They might hold on to something. They might
17:46
Speaker 1: hold on to a parent or, you know, an adult
17:49
Speaker 1: or whatever. And then they try again. Now think about
17:53
Speaker 1: it like this. When you report out, maybe you're the
17:58
Speaker 1: big sister or the babysitter or the mom or the
18:01
Speaker 1: dad and the other people you want to share this
18:05
Speaker 1: news with them. You don't say, oh, she failed today.
18:08
Speaker 1: He failed. They did not walk, you know, the distance.
18:14
Speaker 1: They didn't do a good job. No, you say, oh
18:16
Speaker 1: my gosh, she took two steps. Guess what? You're just
18:20
Speaker 1: focused on the outcome of them walking or attempting. You're
18:25
Speaker 1: not focused on what we focus on after some time,
18:29
Speaker 1: which is the failure, right? What the child is doing
18:33
Speaker 1: essentially is teaching us how to reframe our minds about
18:37
Speaker 1: these things. but the child is essentially treating the fall
18:42
Speaker 1: as information because they now know, okay, if I do this,
18:47
Speaker 1: this is the outcome. And if I do it this way,
18:51
Speaker 1: so they're training themselves to collect information and then they
18:56
Speaker 1: start to collect next steps. We start to collect the judgments, right?
19:06
Speaker 1: We Start going down the path of I failed or
19:10
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough or this or that. And I
19:16
Speaker 1: want you to embrace. I want you to embrace this
19:22
Speaker 1: one question. What is this trying to teach me? What
19:27
Speaker 1: is this situation, right? Trying to teach me. Maybe you're
19:31
Speaker 1: taking your first steps at a job, at an opportunity,
19:35
Speaker 1: and you are like that child that You know, 18
19:39
Speaker 1: month or whatever time frame that kids are walking and
19:44
Speaker 1: you start your first month. your first 18 days on
19:51
Speaker 1: the job okay and you fall this is your opportunity
19:56
Speaker 1: to realize you're in a mode of collecting information so
20:04
Speaker 1: ultimately listen the gray area is the area of of discomfort.
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Speaker 1: It requires discomfort. Okay. I know we want to know
20:18
Speaker 1: if something is in this lane or that right. Good
20:24
Speaker 1: or bad, right or wrong. We want answers. We want closure.
20:28
Speaker 1: We want to know for winning or losing, you know
20:31
Speaker 1: how it goes, but growth, growth doesn't always happen when
20:38
Speaker 1: everything is clear, right? Growth happens in areas of discomfort, right?
20:47
Speaker 1: Think about, again, the growth of a tree, right? The
20:52
Speaker 1: seed has to be planted in dirt. So it has
20:56
Speaker 1: to get dirty, messy, and then it has to grow
20:59
Speaker 1: down first before it grows up. And so that's what
21:06
Speaker 1: I want you to think about. That's what I want
21:08
Speaker 1: you to focus on. I want you to focus on
21:10
Speaker 1: the fact that you're experimenting. You are recalibrating, right? You
21:16
Speaker 1: are now learning in this gray area, this area of discomfort,
21:21
Speaker 1: how to ask better questions. Better questions are important, right?
21:27
Speaker 1: A lot of times we say things like this. I
21:33
Speaker 1: don't know yet. I'm not there yet. Those are the
21:38
Speaker 1: types of statements you want to make when you're in
21:41
Speaker 1: this gray area because the yet is a powerful short
21:45
Speaker 1: word because it's saying that you don't have a definite, right?
21:50
Speaker 1: You're still gaining. You're still leaving room. That yet is
21:55
Speaker 1: leaving room for possibilities, leaving room for future, right? And
22:00
Speaker 1: so it's leaving room for you to become. It's leaving
22:02
Speaker 1: room for you to evolve, right? It is perhaps moving
22:07
Speaker 1: you away from right or wrong and maybe it's just
22:11
Speaker 1: setting you up for boundaries because boundaries matter and your
22:15
Speaker 1: values matter. Your experiences matter. Here's the thing I want
22:24
Speaker 1: you to think about as we come to a close.
22:26
Speaker 1: I want you to think about a question that will
22:31
Speaker 1: help you And now become an invitation for you to
22:36
Speaker 1: get comfortable with the discomfort around this gray area. And
22:45
Speaker 1: that is, what else can be true? Remember, there can
22:50
Speaker 1: be two truths happening at once. I got hurt, but
22:55
Speaker 1: it helped me understand X. So what else can be true?
22:59
Speaker 1: I've gone through this experience. What else can be true?
23:02
Speaker 1: If you can start asking yourself that question, it's loaded
23:08
Speaker 1: because there are some other things that can be true.
23:12
Speaker 1: And so this week, I want you to pause when
23:19
Speaker 1: you find yourself wanting to get to that certainty of
23:24
Speaker 1: good or bad. And I want you to focus less
23:27
Speaker 1: on the labels and more on what else can be true.
23:42
Speaker 1: I hope you enjoyed this week's episode of the Your
23:45
Speaker 1: Enriched Self podcast. And the only way I'm going to
23:47
Speaker 1: know this is if you leave me some feedback. Feedback
23:50
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23:55
Speaker 1: to know what resonated with you regarding this week's episode. Now,
23:59
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25:11
Speaker 1: of the week, the quote of the week. And there
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25:45
Speaker 1: Until we meet again. Thank you.