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Following Your Joy: A Special Solo Episode with Reno · Gay Men Going Deeper

• 0:01
  Speaker A: Welcome to the Gay Men Going Deeper podcast. I am your co host, Reno, and today we're going to have a conversation about joy. And for the sake of this conversation, I followed my joy right down to one of my favorite places, not only in Vancouver, but one of my favorite places that I ever visit, and that is Sunset beach in British Columbia. Vancouver, British Columbia. And I've got this lovely view. You may hear some background noise during this podcast episode because I am choosing to record it outside. I know when you all heard me last, I. I was actually in a bathroom. And one of the things that I opt to do when I'm recording, I feel like I'm like the weird. The weird sister. You know, like, we're. We're like three sisters, and I'm like the weird sister who's always in some, like, strange location. To me, it's important to embody the message. And, you know, it felt forced to try to record this anywhere other than a place where I just felt so much joy. And I like to. To talk a lot about this concept called inspired living. And that is essentially where I'm guided by spirit, by intuition. Inspired intuition, spirit, or in spirit. And so I just felt moved to be here on the beach and actually in. In service to this conversation and in honoring this conversation about joy. My. My joy in this moment is to actually take my shoes off. So I'm gonna do that. And my socks. I'm gonna do that as well. I'm gonna take my socks off, and I'm gonna get really comfortable. For those of you with a foot fetish, you might be like, oh, my God. But, you know, the reason why that action and this whole action and the entire way that I'm recording this conversation, that we're having this conversation right now is so important, is because if I'm going to have a conversation with you about joy, there's a few things that need to be known. And one is I don't want to just talk about joy conceptually. I want you to see me living it. You know, I am about embodying what I speak, right? And so. And I can be so radical about that in the sense that there, I'm willing to look stupid or to go against the grain of society or the status quo. I'm willing to be different. I'm even willing to lose things and people and let go, you know, of what isn't in alignment, what isn't resonant and relevant, which resonance, relevance, are all signs of joy, right? Signs of joy. They're like. They're a sign that you are, you are on the way to or touching on, moving from in joy, right? And so what, what felt most relevant, what felt most resonant was for me to be here, for me to take off my shoes, for me to take off my socks, for me, me to be in a spot that brings me joy, for me to be in the sun, right? Which we often associate with joy, right? And a brightness. And so one, I can't talk about joy without embodying it, which I'm doing right now. And two, I can't talk about joy without addressing what often gets in the way of joy, right? Because that's another thing. And I've got these like lovely ducks behind me and there's this woman with this gorgeous smile on her face and she is feeding the ducks, you know, and so these. Can you think of a more joyous spot, right? People laying out in the sun, people playing in the water, a woman feeding the ducks. The ducks are, you know, the ducks are experiencing satisfaction. It's like she's spreading her joy in the form of feeding the ducks. And then the ducks are, you know, in their joy. And then people are probably watching them eat and that brings them joy. It brought me joy. And you're hearing me talk about it and so you're experiencing joy and what a beautiful thing. It's like joy is everywhere, you know, there are opportunities to experience joy everywhere. And also, as I mentioned, what gets in the way of joy. And so I could give you some examples, some lived examples, right? So I talked about this idea of status quo, right? So like wanting to fit in, you know, or wanting to belong or you know, the insecurities and the hang ups that come up in our lives, the shoulds and the, you know, the shoulds and the, the obligations, the obligatory way in which we sometimes move through the world and exist within our lives. These are also barriers and obstacles to experiencing joy, right? And so as we start to dig and we start to explore and I'll ask you, I'll ask you this question, I'll ask you this question as you're listening. What have you noticed in your life gets in the way of enjoyment? And let's slow down for a moment and just reflect on that together for a second. I know for me one of the first things that comes up is saying yes when I mean no. Another thing is like doing things that I don't actually want to do. Another is doing things that I feel I have to or should or I'm supposed to do. Another is not Fully feeling my feelings, not fully and authentically expressing myself. Not meeting my grief or my anger, my sadness or anything that isn't joy. Because let me remind you that this is not an invitation to fake joy, as I said, you know, I moved in the direction of it and I was aware of what might get in the way of that.
• 6:09
  Speaker B: Right.
• 6:09
  Speaker A: I could have had this story that it's like so weird that I'm recording on a beach, you know, with my little microphone. I could have. I could have had a story that, like, I should be doing it the way that, like the. The guys do it, you know, or like everyone else does it. But I didn't do my last solo episode like that, you know, which was my first solo episode. This is my second one, you know, and so those would have been obstacles to Joy, my insecurity, you know, this need to conform and to do things the way other people do them. And it would have been a missed opportunity because if I'm going to talk about this, right, then I need to model it. And you get to see and experience it in real time as you're listening and watching. And then you're like, oh, okay, so this is. Reno's not just talking about joy. He's living it. He's living it. And also we just heard Reno talk about the grief he experienced because his house burned down. And, you know, and he went through so much during his travels, you know, that three months away in Bali and Australia.
• 7:19
  Speaker B: Right.
• 7:21
  Speaker A: And yet even in all of that, there was still joy and optimism and grace. And it's like, well, what makes that possible? Well, what makes that possible is my willingness to meet it all, to feel it all, you know, and to suspend or release my hang ups about, like, what I'm supposed to be experiencing right now or where I'm supposed to. Supposed to be, or how things are supposed to look. Right. Another thing I want to say about joy is that the way I experience it is that there's like this well of being that exists within us and we can tap it. And so there's kind of like in order for that to happen, we have to sort of penetrate the depths of ourselves.
• 8:06
  Speaker B: Right?
• 8:07
  Speaker A: And so this ties into what I was just saying, which is that if we can't move through all of the other experiences, the. The emotion and. And meet everything else that's coming up, it's like the degree to which we can meet, that is the degree to which we're going to be able to experience enjoyment. And so in order to tap that, well, there are Some things we may have to move through in order to meet and experience that joy. And while their case in point are places and spaces and people where that joy seems to be more easily tapped, right? Like when I know whenever I come here most of the time and not all the time, and this is why I know it comes from within. Because most of the time, not all the time, I experience joy when I come down here. Like, this is my place of peace and joy. I love this place. Whether I'm alone or with somebody, it doesn't really matter. You know, I'm with myself and I'm with the mountains and I'm with the ocean and. But where does the joy come from, right? Where, where, where does it, where does it come from? Because if I can experience it when I'm not here, but I also experience it when I am here, and sometimes I don't experience it when I am here, then where is the joy coming from?
• 9:32
  Speaker B: Right?
• 9:33
  Speaker A: It's coming from within. And so is it possible then that there is perhaps a practice or something I can be up to that helps me generate joy, that helps me be in enjoyment more often than not? And can I begin to notice, like when joy emerges and what I'm up to when that's happening as well? Because it's, it's not about, it's not about being in joy all the time, right? But certainly I love experiencing joy as, as often as I can. It feels amazing, you know, it feels wonderful. It's satisfying. And what I noticed is that is like more joy was sparked or tapped, if you will, you know, to mix like analogies or metaphors when I was in gratitude and reverence for the environment I find myself in right now. Or like what was happening in the background and around me in my periphery, right? Like that is a sign as well. And so joy leaves clues, right? And it's funny because I just said that and I thought, like, how fun. I have chills right now because I, I didn't plan to say that. Like, none of this is scripted, right? I'm just freestyling. And how fun that, that just came through me in this inspiration inspired moment. Joy leaves clues and, and it does. She does. You know she does. If we're, if we're present, for example, and we're paying attention. And what a beautiful, what a beautiful kind of. What's the word? Like, like setup, you know, what a beautiful setup that maybe in some ways a prerequisite to joy is like presence, right? Or a way in which joy is increasingly tapped or sparked and amplified is through gratitude.
• 11:25
  Speaker B: Right.
• 11:25
  Speaker A: Like, how cool is that? In a way. What a. What a. Like, how do I say? What a beautiful design, if you will. So I want to slow down because in true and true adhd. I love that ADHD has the letters HD in it, too. Like, high definition. Because honestly, like, that's kind of what having ADHD or like, my unique disposition, it feels like. It feels like I'm living life in hd. Like there's. There's like a higher dimension and a higher definition that I see and experience life in. Yeah. It's just fun. But I have to remember sometimes to slow down. So I'm gonna do that right now, and we can do that together. Let's take a breath and just allow what we've already conversed about to digest for a moment, and then we'll see what else wants to come next. The other thing about Joy, right. So there it is. It's like what wants to come next is already there. And it was in me clearing my throat. The other thing about Joy is that it has nothing to do. It's. Joy is not worried about perfectionism or, like, getting it just right. You know, I cleared my throat and then clearing my throat. There was. Because I'm present and paying attention in this flow right now, I could see how even that itself was content in a way. You know, I don't even like that word necessarily, but it was immediately I was like, oh, yeah, that's right. Joy's not worried about perfectionism.
• 13:02
  Speaker B: Right.
• 13:02
  Speaker A: There's, like, occasionally this beeping sound in the background that I'm. I'm not aware of. And I apologize if you're finding it distracting if you can hear it. At first I thought, not good. You know, not good. But I decided to proceed anyway, you know, and so that's another thing as well. Is that. So two things. One, Joy is not concerned about perfectionism, and two, joy allows us to access peace and reverence for whatever is unfolding in the moment. Whether that's like that incessant beeping in the background. Right. Which makes me giggle more than it annoys me. I'm not really annoyed. It sort of comes and goes. But isn't that how. Isn't that how life is like? We're really sitting in the reality of things and the reality of life, which is that I can be in this beautiful place on this beach with the ducks and, you know, this gorgeous view, and I can be enjoying. And there can also be, like, distractions or things in the back. We can call them distractions. But also they could be opportunities. Look how I leveraged what was happening in service to this conversation and used it, you know, to deepen joy and to deepen into a conversation about joy with you.
• 14:21
  Speaker B: Right?
• 14:21
  Speaker A: And so, again, when we're in that space of enjoyment, it's a lot easier, in a way, to improvise in that fashion and think about who you are and who you become when you are in joy. There. There are some other areas that I want to cover in relationship to joy, because, you know, I think about my journey, and I think about how I have been so willing to follow my joy in the context of work, in the context of exercise, in the context of the food I eat, the clothing I wear, how I adorn my space. You know, people. I remember before the house burned down, and I had. I had created this sanctuary, and I was simply following my joy. Like, I had gone to Bali a decade prior, and there were all these beautiful spaces and just this feeling that I had, and I followed that feeling in the curation of the space I called my room, you know, and it was. I had designed this, like, grand, gorgeous canopy above my bed, and I had, you know, bought a neon light that said it just got reno. And, I mean, there was just so much put into this beautiful space. I had these, like, tropical plants. And, you know, it was immaculate. It was immaculate. And joy guided that process, you know, just like it guided me here to this spot and is supporting me through this conversation with you right now. I think about the clothing I wear, right? When I go to pick something out that I wear, it's. It's like, what feels good, what feels joyous, you know, what feels joyous? What is joy guiding me to pull out of my closet and put on. And today it was this comfy, loose gray T shirt. And. And my Tommy jeans, my Tommy Hilfiger shorts.
• 16:26
  Speaker B: Right?
• 16:27
  Speaker A: They're. Hold on, I'll show you. They're pretty cute. If you're on the podcast, you can't see them, but they're. They're cute shorts, right? It's just a fun, chill fit. I wasn't, like, worried about looking a particular way necessarily, but I'm wearing things that feel joyful. If I'm honest, I could have gone even deeper into that, and I would have worn the black ones with no pockets that I just live for. Like, I always say, if there's an outfit that I would absolutely wear all the time, it's this. It's a black tank top with these black shorts that I have. They're like climbing shorts, I think, but they have no pockets and they're just like really, they just fit well. I feel really comfortable in them. They're the perfect length and cut and everything. And I can move around in them and I just feel really good in them. That a tank top and maybe some high top sneakers. But I also really love being barefoot. That's joyous, right? So again, you can see how joy even guides me in how I pick out clothing at the store, what I wore.
• 17:23
  Speaker B: Aware. Right.
• 17:24
  Speaker A: And then we can talk about joy in the context of work. So I've turned down clients opportunities because they were not joyous for me. You know, when, when listening to and honoring and following my joy and my enjoyment, it was a clear no in my body, you know, and so I turned down many opportunities. And I've also said yes to a lot of things that didn't make sense. But because joy was enough, you know, that was enough. I didn't need rationalization. It's like, oh yeah, this is a yes for me. Nothing in my body saying no. You know, there's clear joy here. Joy. Joy says yes. So I'm it, let's go. You know, and it's in those moments and that sort of, that's the word like in that, in that willingness to, to move in the direction of what death doesn't, what doesn't always make sense, but just feels joyous. That like my life has just been so remarkable in many ways. It's been, it's been so challenging. You know, if you've ever heard me speak on the podcast before, you know that I've been through it and there's stuff I haven't even shared yet, you know, but through all of it, I have continued to follow my joy. Sometimes that even looks disruptive in a way, you know, but there's just always been this willingness to, to follow joy, you know, in the bedroom. You could apply it there, you know, where is joy guiding you in the bedroom?
• 18:56
  Speaker B: Right.
• 18:57
  Speaker A: And of course consent always where is it guiding you in your self pleasuring practice.
• 19:03
  Speaker B: Right.
• 19:03
  Speaker A: And again, you can see like you could, you could just let joy guide your entire life, really. And it's not for the faint of heart in some cases, you know, like I said, it can, it can be edgy and it can be risky, but it can also be really, really beautiful. I love it. The seagull. So I want to slow down again and reflect a little bit more on what wants to. Yeah, just sit with what wants to come through Next on the topic of joy, I Didn't talk about exercise. And maybe I'll say a little bit about that as well, because I know it's. It's something that many people struggle with in some ways. And, you know, it can feel like drudgery to. I don't know, to eat or again, to dress or to. To work out. And the reason why there's something in the bushes there. I'm so curious about what it is. The reason why it doesn't feel that way for me more often than not is because joy is guiding me in what I wear to the gym, how long I work out in the gym, my sets and reps, what I eat, the music I listen to. Yeah, there's so much of that there. There's so much of that there. And it's a practice. It's like a muscle, you know, it really does feel like it's a practice of sort of returning to that place and becoming increasingly acquainted with both joy and also, like, the. The barriers to it. And really, like I call them barriers because they can seem that way and they can. They can be met in that way, but they don't have to be. And I would say that the more you get acquainted to what comes before, what precedes joy, the more you recognize what precedes joy as an entry point to joy.
• 21:08
  Speaker B: Right?
• 21:08
  Speaker A: It's like on the way to joy. And so you start to look at these. You start to look at what precedes joy as opportunity to experience joy. So let's say I spoke about grief previously, right? I was. We did a group call on grief, and we've spoken about grief. And what I know from lived experience is that as I meet and greet and engage with and befriend my grief, for example, or anger or sadness or, you know, fill in the blank. The degree again, to which I am engaging, what is arising in that experience is the degree to which I am able to experience joy. And so in that knowing, we start to go, oh, okay, there's grief here right now. And there's almost this strange pleasure in it because you, you know, you start to recognize that. That grief is on that way. It is. Is. Is essentially grace. And it is. It is on the way to joy, if that makes sense. So again, slowing down, let's. Let's come into our bodies again for a moment, right? So if you're driving, please don't close your eyes. But if you're sitting and you're listening, let's just come into our bodies. Maybe it occurs to you to close your eyes again. If you're driving. Please do not do that. And just come to your breath and start to notice where joy lives for you. Where's joy in your body? Where does it live? Because what we're. What we're doing here in this practice and in this moment, in this inquiry is there's like an invitation for you to start to get acquainted with the place where joy resides within you. And as you do, and you continue to find your way back to that place again and again, what's really cool is it starts to become a gps. And what it does is as you're tuned to, let's say, joy radio, you know, 1.1-1.1 or something cheesy like that. It's like anything that resonates with that frequency and is relevant in that context is what you will gravitate toward and perhaps what will move toward you. And also. And also, as we saw and I mentioned earlier, there will be things that may be experienced as distractions or may pull you or attempt to pull you away. And you can notice that and, you know, and honor it as it arises and sort of come back to that place within you, right? And so what's wonderful is that suddenly it's less important about what's happening outside of you as what is within you. And that's when things get really interesting. And then life becomes this kind of meditative practice, right? It's not. It's not like you're sitting on a mat. It's not like you're just sitting on a mat or a pillow, you know, in. In lotus pose. It's like your whole life becomes a meditation. And anytime you're pulled out of that presence of that connection to that place of joy and peace and that well of being I spoke of, you can just gently bring yourself back and maybe notice what has garnered your attention, you know, or. Or what. Or what. Maybe what is wanting your attention. Because as we said, you know, anything. Anything that shows up is perhaps an opportunity, you know. So, of course, this is a nuanced conversation, but as I said at the start, I don't. In my experience, I cannot talk about joy without talking about the barriers to it, without talking about what may lead us in its direction, and then again without embodying it in the here and now with my bare feet, sitting on a towel in one of my favorite spots. And do you know why I came here as well? I came here because just yesterday I realized that I was spending so much time in front of my screen and cooped up inside, and I thought, okay, let Me do a bit of work here to. To do what is necessary for me to be here. And to be honest, it wasn't much. I just. I wasn't even really thinking about it in that way today. I just kind of. There was a moment where I thought, okay, I'm done. Close my laptop, grab my things. I was like, I'm going to the beach, you know, and I'm not going to do a bunch of stuff. I'm just going to throw some things in my backpack. Actually forgot a towel and called a friend down the street and said, hey, can I borrow a towel? He lent me a towel and said, you know what? I'm actually going to join you in a bit. And I said, great. You know, so that's another thing. Joy is contagious. Joy is contagious. You know, those who want to be experiencing joy, those who are drawn to joy will be magnetized to you and to your joy, you know, and to their own joy as a result, right? They're following their own enjoyment. So, you know, grab my backpack, wireless mic, tripod, found a spot to set up where the sun is at me, but there's some bush blocking the phone so it doesn't overheat, and here we are. And so what does following your joy look like for you? Is my question. What does following your joy look like for you? And how can you tune into and honor just little by little, you know, just like when we go to the gym, we don't go and suddenly lift like 200 pounds if we've not even lifted 10 before, you know, what is one joyful thing you can engage with and in, you know, just now, today? And I even want to invite you to experiment. Like, for those of you who are feeling really bold, carve out a day on your calendar. Pick a day. Let Joy guide you to your calendar, right? Move to your calendar. Pick a day that feels expansive, you know, that feels joyous. Mark it off as your joy day. Just one day. You have to schedule a recurring one just yet. Start with just one day and give yourself one full day or a half a day where all you do is follow Joy. And I would love to hear in the comments on this, you know, like, what that was like for you, you know, or send me a DM on Instagram. I'd love to hear from you. And it just got reno, you know, let us know at the Gay Men's Brotherhood as well. And I can't wait for, you know, the conversation around this when we have our sharing circles and such, because I'M so curious to hear more about how you all stepped into this experiment around Joy and what the results were. This is one of my favorite conversations in the world to have, in my experience. Like, what? What is the point of all of this if not. Not enjoyment, you know, if not a bit of pleasure? And I'm in the business of helping people connect to that. And also in. In like a very sort of radical, increasingly radical way.