Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Nobody Has To Ask About Your Day

Transcript

Nobody Has To Ask About Your Day · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today, I'm going to be talking about why nobody
• 0:10
  has to ask about your day and this is like a common thing that
• 0:14
  I hear in counseling and it's really something that means you
• 0:19
  have to look internally at yourself in many ways and at the
• 0:22
  relationship but possibly not in the way that you think.
• 0:25
  Before that, please do subscribe, I have over 100 bonus
• 0:29
  episodes and the most recent was when you want to change how your
• 0:33
  wife dresses, Has. And this is an interesting one
• 0:37
  because this is something that a lot of guys actually feel, even
• 0:39
  if they don't bring it up, and when they hear it, then they
• 0:42
  realize that they do bring it up, probably to the woman more
• 0:44
  than they think they do. And certainly if you're a woman
• 0:47
  then you should listen. Because if you've ever been told
• 0:49
  by your husband that you should dress more attractively or
• 0:52
  sexier or what have you anyway, so today's episode.
• 0:57
  So I get a lot of people who say that they don't like hanging out
• 1:00
  with their spouse and they don't feel connected because their
• 1:02
  spouse doesn't ask about their day.
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  Now, what is something that you could do to fix this problem II?
• 1:11
  Know, I know, Mimi, what is it? It's tell them about your day.
• 1:15
  So so here's the thing. The partner does not have to
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  initiate a lot of this. So This goes beyond this and
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  I'll get to why people think there's an whatever it's in a
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  second. But when you want something,
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  there are always good ways to do it that don't involve waiting
• 1:31
  around and sighing that somebody else isn't doing it for you.
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  This. As is the case with sex, this is
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  the case with romance. This is the case with anything.
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  Of course, if you are initiating 100% of anything, it's going to
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  get old but we're not talking about that situation.
• 1:47
  Well we're talking about is a situation.
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  I hear this one from men, a lot by the way Beyond you're the
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  reason that I think it is is because a lot of women as I've
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  said in so many times. Caudill their songs have a
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  special relationship with their sons and as soon as you know,
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  Prince, Charming comes through the door and I, of course, do
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  this myself. So I know I know as well as
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  anybody as soon as the sun comes in, honey, how was your day?
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  How was your day? What did you do today?
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  What did you what did you learn today?
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  Who did you play with today? How was lunch today, what are
• 2:22
  you doing in? Social studies?
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  Are you still doing your project?
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  Oh, my God. It's like, you know, the second
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  coming when the child comes home and yeah, women are like this
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  with the daughters too. But as I've discussed, It so
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  many times and there's so many books written about this women
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  and their mothers tend to have slightly more difficult
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  relationships as do men and their fathers.
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  We're as a father daughter in the mother-son.
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  Relationship is generally insulated from some of this
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  tension. So if there's anybody that the
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  mother is sitting there saying oh how was your day?
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  Tell me every detail. What about this?
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  What about this? Then it's the boy and so when he
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  grows up sometimes he thinks the wife is supposed to do the same
• 3:00
  thing, guess what? She's got her own kids.
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  Now, you know, and also she had her own M day, and everybody's a
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  grown-up. So while it's nice, if she, in
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  some way we're to sit there and fellate You by asking you this,
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  it's also something you could just tell her, you know, you
• 3:17
  could just talk about your day and this is the same for women
• 3:19
  that say, but women say it a lot less than men.
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  This one is one that I hear semi-regularly from men and it's
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  particularly in men that have trouble with emotional
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  expression. So what it really is is it's a
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  fantasy and I'll get to how it correlates with other fantasies.
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  To it's a fantasy that the woman will be the emotional driver of
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  the relationship because the man is actually not very confident
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  in his ability to do. So this is extremely similar to
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  the men that sit around sighing but the woman doesn't initiate
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  sex when they also don't initiate sex.
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  So I get it. If you're a man, you're
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  initiating constantly Roy's. Trying to think if the Romantic
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  ways to initiate, you're always trying to be sexy and sexual and
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  then, you know, she's like in your entire marriage, she hasn't
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  ever touch your penis on purpose once.
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  Sure, I feel for you and I write many posts and and record many
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  podcasts for your situation. But if you're a man who never
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  basically initiates, because his wife doesn't initiate and things
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  that she's supposed to be initiating because this one time
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  you may have implied, you know, 14 years ago that you like would
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  like it. If maybe she initiated this is
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  the same sort of thing as they asking about the day with this
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  isn't somebody who's not sexually confident at all that.
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  Has a fantasy that the woman who's not even probably less
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  sexually confident than him is going to somehow take the reins
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  of the sexual relationship and you could be the passenger in
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  this car instead of the driver and fully the passenger.
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  Because the real fantasy is that you wouldn't ever really have to
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  initiate or rarely that she would take, really the lead and
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  it is Pure Fantasy because she has less of a drive than you do.
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  So, it doesn't make any sense that she Would somehow be the
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  sexual driver of the relationship given her response
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  of Desire. So it's very, very similar here,
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  the men whose wives don't ask enough about their day also have
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  trouble with emotional expression themselves.
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  So they frequently didn't grow up in a house where anybody was
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  asking about anybody's day much, and that's why they don't really
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  do it. Probably they don't do it with
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  their kids as much either as the man made a wish for that.
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  She would do it with him or that he even received as a child.
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  So because there are two types of men by the way.
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  To be clear that want. This one, is the little boy who
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  always got mommy's devoted attention and all these
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  questions about his day. The other was a little boy, that
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  was fending for himself, and nobody asked about his day so
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  it's one or the other. And if he's in the other camp
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  where nobody asked about his day, then he didn't really
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  develop any skills to ask about anybody's day.
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  He just it's like I equated to the fantasy that men frequently
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  have of coming up behind their wife, while she's doing the
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  dishes, grabbing her boobs and like, kissing her neck.
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  And that she turns around somehow magically.
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  Then her hands aren't wet anymore.
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  Remember you don't have children they disappeared or it's like,
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  you know, the show out of this world where EV, you know, put
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  the finger tips of her fingers together and time stack.
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  So it's time stops, there's nothing in the oven.
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  The kids are in screaming, the dog doesn't have to go out and
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  take, you know, a shit and everything is wonderful and
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  magical in that moment. So of course, women don't like
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  that because you also, by the way, wouldn't like it, if you
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  were in the middle of a work presentation.
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  Ation and she knocked on your door.
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  And and she sent honey, why don't you ever tell me you?
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  Love me in rhyme because I think that would be very romantic,
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  right? So, you would want to like
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  murder her. That's how she feels when you
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  come up behind her with the dishes.
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  Unless it's the honeymoon stage, in which case, she's deeply
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  convinced that she will always like you to come up behind her
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  with the dishes and empathic ruptures are born.
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  But anyway, so the point being, if you want your wife to ask
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  about your day, why don't you fucking tell her about your day?
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  That would be a lot easier. You know, think about it.
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  If you want your wife to initiate sex, right?
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  To initiate sex or better tell her hey would be so hot if you
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  came over to me and grabbed my penis.
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  So you know, when the uninitiated sex, right?
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  Because then at least she's got something to actually do, and it
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  isn't even like these guys say to the wife, I would like you to
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  ask about my meeting every time I have a meeting because then
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  find this is a you know, it's annoying that you can't just
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  tell her but she could at least put it on her calendar ass.
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  Asked about his day blah blah, fine.
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  So, but in reality, he had a meeting, ask about the meeting,
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  but in reality, it's very, very passive-aggressive.
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  So, these are people that go out to dinner and the whole time,
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  they'll come back from, you know, they're a couple's,
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  counselor, they'll come back. All we did was talk about the
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  kids. She didn't even ask about me.
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  Well, did you fucking tell her about you, whatever you wanted
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  her to ask about, guess what? You could also tell her and the
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  conversation could start there, or you could say, and this would
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  be honest, but guys don't want to do this.
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  Right? You could say, I'm feeling hurt
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  and silent and the reason I'm silent right now is I'm hurt
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  that you're not asking about my day and, you know who really
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  wants to say that that's a little embarrassing that gets at
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  the root of the passive aggression problem and the
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  general passivity problem. So if you wouldn't want to say
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  it, don't do it. That's kind of a guiding
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  principle in life. If you wouldn't want a real
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  world honest, authentic narration of what you're doing.
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  Don't do it. So if you're a woman that's
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  sitting there trying Trying to fake that you're tired so that
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  he hopefully doesn't initiate sex.
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  Why don't you just narrate it? You'd be too embarrassed to
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  narrate it because it's so obvious that you're not being a
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  good partner. So if he's like, are you tired?
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  Instead of saying? Hmm.
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  Maybe you should say, no, I am feigning tiredness so that we
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  don't have to have sex tonight. If you were to, just be honest,
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  and you'd be like, well, now that doesn't sound great.
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  I guess I should maybe work on my attitude a little bit because
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  I need that's not exactly being a good partner and it would be
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  the same thing. The man was like, actually I'm
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  just sitting here and I'm not going to give you any positivity
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  or any Smiles or anything until you ask the right question,
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  which in this case was so Bob. How was your work meeting on
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  Tuesday, you know, or whatever? If you really frame it like
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  that, you see it's very passive-aggressive.
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  So, in a marriage, if you got something to say, you should say
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  it and you shouldn't be waiting for your spouse to figure out on
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  mind, read the right thing to do, or if You specifically have
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  a specific thing that you want, so it's much better to call it a
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  fetish, right? Because of fetish.
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  Everybody can understand to people.
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  Don't share the same fetish. And if somebody has a fetish in
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  the partner wants to be a good partner, they could try the
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  fetish and it will be for you, but maybe they'll get into it.
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  So, it would be funny to say I have a fetish that when I come
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  through the day, you're going to the door, you're going to look
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  up smile and say hi honey. How was your day if you say it?
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  Like that, first of all, she'll laugh, at least, it'll change.
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  The frame. But if you were like yeah this
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  is like my thing. Like I've always got this was
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  marriage. Maybe you could do it for me.
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  Then at least you'll just be seeing even by verbalizing.
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  That that it is that it is really a fetish.
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  It means absolutely nothing about whether she's interested
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  in you or loves you. Because all of these guys that
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  do this, by the way, they're not always asking their wife, the
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  right questions either because they're doing what they want to
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  be done. So they say how was your day.
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  But frequently, the woman doesn't want to be as how her
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  day was she just wants to like decompress?
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  Or she doesn't like the you know, whatever else he asks
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  about passive aggressive. Oh, do you think you're tired
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  tonight or whatever? Because she knows that that
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  means, are we going to have sex tonight?
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  And she doesn't like that question.
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  All your questions aren't perfect either.
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  None of her questions are perfect.
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  If you want somebody to hear about your day, if that's the
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  point. Tell them about your day.
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  But since you haven't told them about your day that obviously
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  isn't the point. The point is for them to jump
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  through a very specific verbal. Whoop that to you means love.
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  So, give them the answer key on this one.
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  Give them the map legend. Tell them the way that I feel
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  loved is when you say how was your day and then they can go
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  about doing it but to expect them to mind-read, this is
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  crazy. It's just like there's many
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  women that are yearning for the Mantis.
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  A I love you more and but they don't say it because they think
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  that it does that like he has to do it organically, or it doesn't
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  count. No, the man loves you.
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  It's like you gotta decide. What do you want?
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  Do you want to know that he loves you or do you want him to
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  be a more romantic person? He can't just be a more romantic
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  person. He can like turn a switch in his
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  brain, but he does love you. Do you want him to express that?
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  He loves you? How regularly would you like it?
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  Or is what you're going for? Some other thing, like, maybe
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  him planning dates or him complimenting you, or whatever.
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  If you want him to change his entire personality, he can't.
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  But if you can give him specific things, I would be proxy
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  variables. That maybe you could learn to
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  accept in the way that you're thinking the constant.
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  I love you with me, then we could do that.
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  So it isn't really about the day, it isn't really about
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  asking about the day because if you had an awesome thing
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  happened to you, that day that you were very excited about you
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  probably would be able to power through her not asking and tell
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  her if it was actually about the day.
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  But what you're taking it for is a proxy variable for love,
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  affection attention and interest she may Have all of those things
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  but didn't grow up in a house where people said, how was your
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  day all the time or she's tired and has so much other stuff on
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  her plate. That she is functioning at a
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  lower bandwidth of all of attention, and whatever else.
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  But she would get very interested in your day if you
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  just started talking about it. Or if you specifically told her
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  to ask this, she could remember to do it and if that gets rid of
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  the fantasy than the fantasy probably ought to be gotten rid
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  of because it doesn't mean anything.
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  It's Genuine. That it's like the coming up
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  behind you and grabbing her boobs when you her hands are and
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  soapy water thing or the woman that thinks that it would just
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  that has a fantasy of the man just knocking off early from
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  work and coming home with flowers and saying, honey.
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  Like I've planned a special weekend away, like that's a
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  fantasy, it's a fantasy. Some people can do their
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  Partners fantasy every so often, especially if they're instructed
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  as to what exactly it is. But some people cannot, and if
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  you are my Marital happiness is riding on proxy variables that
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  don't necessarily, even mean what you're telling yourself.
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  They mean like a woman. Not asking how was your day
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  means that she doesn't love you or that she's not interested in
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  you then you are really complicit and making yourself
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  frustrated and unhappy with the state of your marriage.
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  So with this has been an issue, then use this episode to think
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  about it. And really think about what is
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  the proxy variable here, like, what is this, a proxy variable
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  for rather like, do you feel she's not interested in you?
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  About if you were to flip the script and start
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  enthusiastically and confidently talking about your day if she
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  still not interested in it because that means something
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  very different and fewer women would not be interested in that.
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  Then women that don't ask how was your day in the middle of
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  all the other shit that's going on or vice versa.
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  Of course, if the gender is is flipped, the man who doesn't ask
• 14:25
  about your day. May be very interested once you
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  start talking, but he just doesn't think to ask that damn
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  question because he thinks of you had something to say, you
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  would say it because it's like him.
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  If he has something to say, he would say it.
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  So usually the people who are asking this our partner to
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  people who think. If somebody has something to say
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  they will say it and honestly it's not a bad point, you know.
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  If somebody does have something to say, then they should say it.
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  But if this means something different to you than at least
• 14:51
  you owe it to your spouse, to tell them what you are using it,
• 14:54
  to represent this fetish of asking how your day was, or
• 14:58
  whatever the case may be. All right.
• 15:00
  So hopefully this was interesting to you.
• 15:02
  Please do subscribe. Please do join my Facebook
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• 15:06
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• 15:10
  I'm sure. By the time you listen to this,
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  and it's talking about a lot of these topics people are sharing
• 15:14
  about their relationship since very interesting.
• 15:17
  All right. Talk to you soon.
• 15:18
  Bye, bye.