Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / When They Talk Trash 🗑 - Turning hate into personal power 🤜

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When They Talk Trash 🗑 - Turning hate into personal power 🤜 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apogae Production. Welcome to the shep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley
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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
0:23
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
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Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:31
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the podcast. Today, we're talking
0:33
Speaker 1: all about hateful comments that are said online and offline
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Speaker 1: and how you can turn these negative comments and hateful
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Speaker 1: comments and projections into powerful, impactful lessons and you don't
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Speaker 1: let it ruin the way you feel about yourself or
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Speaker 1: your confidence or anything like that. So we're really going
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Speaker 1: to turn this into an empowering episode, and we're going
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Speaker 1: to share some things that have been said about us
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Speaker 1: online and offline and how we've kind of navigated it through.
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Speaker 1: And also, I can't wait for you to teach the
1:01
Speaker 1: way that you respond to comments online because it's something
1:03
Speaker 1: that I've really struggle with over the years, and I've
1:07
Speaker 1: almost bitten back because I wanted to defend myself, you know,
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Speaker 1: and I've really learned a lot about myself in the
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Speaker 1: last six months thanks to you, So I can't wait
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Speaker 1: for everyone to hear how you've helped me and how
1:17
Speaker 1: you navigate that as well.
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Speaker 2: I'm excited for this conversation. It's like turning the trash
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Speaker 2: talk into personal power.
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Speaker 1: Yes, you know how cool is that? Yeah? Love it.
1:25
Speaker 1: So when people talk shit to us or they say
1:28
Speaker 1: things about us, naturally you want to defend yourself. And
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Speaker 1: I feel like my younger version of myself, my teenage's
1:35
Speaker 1: version of myself, and my adult self now up until
1:39
Speaker 1: the last couple of months. Oh, I suppose I still
1:41
Speaker 1: do want to defend myself, but I'm learning that I
1:44
Speaker 1: don't need to and I don't have to, and it's
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Speaker 1: almost a waste of my energy because you're trying to
1:51
Speaker 1: reason with the unreasonable, and there's a way to communicate
1:55
Speaker 1: back to people that say that stuff, and there's also
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Speaker 1: boundaries that you can have in place whether they're worth
2:00
Speaker 1: your energy that day, depending on where you're at. So
2:03
Speaker 1: obviously mine is more being on line. When I get
2:06
Speaker 1: a lot of hate and negative comments come my way,
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Speaker 1: I feel the need to respond and share my story
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Speaker 1: and defend myself and explain to them. But you've kind
2:17
Speaker 1: of taught me that I don't need to do that anymore,
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Speaker 1: which has been really nice. In the last six months,
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Speaker 1: I've been practicing that, and I still have to consciously
2:24
Speaker 1: practice that, And sometimes if I get a comment, I'll
2:26
Speaker 1: send it to you and be like, help, So what
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Speaker 1: would you respond to this? Because I can feel my
2:31
Speaker 1: back get up sometimes because I'm like, Wow, that's not true,
2:35
Speaker 1: and how dare you come onto my page and say
2:38
Speaker 1: that assumption about me? Whether it's publicly or privately. It
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Speaker 1: gets me really triggered and really upset. And I think
2:43
Speaker 1: because I've dealt with it for so long over the years,
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Speaker 1: it is just a hairline trigger, like it doesn't take
2:48
Speaker 1: much depending on what it's about. But when it's something
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Speaker 1: fresh online that I'm navigating, I find it really hard.
2:55
Speaker 1: What is your communication style and how do you navigate this?
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Speaker 1: Because you've taught me a lot, but I'd love for
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Speaker 1: you to teach everyone else because everyone deals with bullies
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Speaker 1: online offline at some point in their life.
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Speaker 2: Love that firstly, I just wanted to say as well,
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Speaker 2: it's also giving yourself some leeway and some leniency with
3:10
Speaker 2: that as well. You've been dealing with this for such
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Speaker 2: a long time, and I can only imagine how it
3:16
Speaker 2: would feel to have people constantly nitpick at what you do,
3:19
Speaker 2: your actions, your behaviors, everything that you know is kind
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Speaker 2: of online anyway. So it's like those triggers are so
3:24
Speaker 2: valid for being there, and it's like I would feel
3:27
Speaker 2: the same way as well, you know, whereas like the
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Speaker 2: whole situation of communication, when people have something to say,
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Speaker 2: I think everyone is going to have their opinion at
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Speaker 2: the end of the day. On social media or in person,
3:38
Speaker 2: people are going to say what they think, and sometimes
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Speaker 2: people don't care how that impacts other people. But the
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Speaker 2: only thing that we can control, and I think this
3:46
Speaker 2: is what I've taught myself, even from dealing with the
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Speaker 2: sex tape, is that people are going to have an
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Speaker 2: opinion about what you do, regardless of how you try
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Speaker 2: to paint yourself. So it doesn't matter how much you
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Speaker 2: try to prove, defend, explain, or try to reason with
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Speaker 2: the unreasonable, You're never going to get the response that
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Speaker 2: you want. And so all you can do in that
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Speaker 2: time and in that moment, and at least this is
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Speaker 2: what I've done in my journey, is respond in a way.
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Speaker 3: That you would be proud of.
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Speaker 2: Yes, And that's honestly what's helped me. So even in
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Speaker 2: the moments where people have said things to my face
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Speaker 2: about the sex tape, said things behind my back, whispered
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Speaker 2: things as I'm walking past, message me on fake accounts,
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Speaker 2: all I can do in those moments is respond in
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Speaker 2: the way that i'd be proud of, in the way
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Speaker 2: that I know myself to be.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you knowuiful.
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Speaker 2: There's nothing that you can say that we'll ever convince
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Speaker 2: someone to see you in a way that they're committed
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Speaker 2: to misunderstanding you. You know that's powerful, and I think
4:41
Speaker 2: just you've done such a beautiful job already at growing
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Speaker 2: that because you have you've wanted to learn and grow
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Speaker 2: to how to not be you know, reactive in moments
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Speaker 2: where you feel triggered.
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Speaker 3: But it also is hard as well.
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Speaker 2: It's acknowledging that it's hard as well, because you are
4:55
Speaker 2: being faced with that stuff all the time. It's like
4:56
Speaker 2: constantly being retriggered with an open wound. Yeah, I just
5:00
Speaker 2: think everybody gets to have an opinion. I think there's
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Speaker 2: a way to deliver and communicate things, and you can
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Speaker 2: stand up for yourself without judging that person, without attacking
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Speaker 2: their character, without being an asshole, without being passive aggressive.
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Speaker 2: There are going to be things that come up for you.
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Speaker 2: We're not going to handle it perfectly all the time.
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Speaker 2: I absolutely don't, and I tell you ten years ago,
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Speaker 2: I absolutely did not do this. But now it's just
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Speaker 2: about responding and not defending. Yeah, it also ties into
5:28
Speaker 2: having a voice. For example, what I believe is that
5:32
Speaker 2: when you're trying to communicate with somebody and they're not
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Speaker 2: hearing you, or you know that they're not going to
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Speaker 2: respond in the way that you want them to, you don't.
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Speaker 3: Need them to.
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Speaker 2: It's not even about that person. It's about you. Yeah,
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Speaker 2: it's about having a voice and being like, this person
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Speaker 2: can have an opinion, but so can I, and I
5:48
Speaker 2: get to have an opinion in this and I get
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Speaker 2: to voice what it is that I think. And if
5:51
Speaker 2: this person is saying something to me that I don't like,
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Speaker 2: I have every right to come back and say, respectfully,
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Speaker 2: I don't appreciate what it is that you're saying to me.
6:00
Speaker 2: I don't appreciate the way that you just spoke to me.
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Speaker 2: I don't appreciate the tone that you just came at
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Speaker 2: me with So it's not about being combative or being
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Speaker 2: a bitch or trying to create like chaos or anything
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Speaker 2: like that.
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Speaker 3: It's none of that.
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Speaker 2: It actually, at least for me, is just about regardless
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Speaker 2: of how this person is going to respond, you were
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Speaker 2: valid and worthy of having a voice.
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Speaker 1: That's been a big thing because I think I was
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Speaker 1: on one end of the scale reacting and wanting to
6:28
Speaker 1: defend myself, and then on the other end of the scale,
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Speaker 1: I would delete because I didn't think my voice was
6:34
Speaker 1: ever going to be heard, so I just would avoid. Yeah,
6:37
Speaker 1: and then there was just a couple of comments that
6:38
Speaker 1: came through over the last couple of months, revolving you
6:41
Speaker 1: and I and this podcast or different things, and I
6:44
Speaker 1: would be triggered and say, this is really upsetting me,
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Speaker 1: and You're like, leave it there. We can respond in
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Speaker 1: a beautiful way that acknowledges the situation, acknowledges what's going on.
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Speaker 1: But you're also allowed to stand in your power, and
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Speaker 1: you're also allowed to honor your pain whilst holding theirs
6:57
Speaker 1: and just being really cool to watch the way that
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Speaker 1: you communicate, And it's really helped me reflect on my communication.
7:03
Speaker 1: I think I've just grown so much from that, but
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Speaker 1: it's still a practice for me. It's not something that
7:08
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, all of a sudden, I got this,
7:11
Speaker 1: because I think for you it does come more natural
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Speaker 1: now to respond in that way because you've practiced that
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Speaker 1: for so many years. And I think we can all
7:17
Speaker 1: improve on the way we communicate with our partners, with
7:19
Speaker 1: our friends, with our kids. We lose patience and you know,
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Speaker 1: the biggest thing for me too, has been just allowing
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Speaker 1: a bit of space when it comes in and the
7:28
Speaker 1: trigger comes up, a little bit of space to regulate myself. Again,
7:32
Speaker 1: never respond when you're instantly triggered. Yeah, and just regulated
7:36
Speaker 1: because nine out of ten times it's not going to
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Speaker 1: come out how you'd be proud of, how you would
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Speaker 1: like you to be seen. That's the key. Yeah, you'd
7:44
Speaker 1: be in regret or it would just add more fuel
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Speaker 1: to the fire. So just giving yourself that space that
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Speaker 1: everyone doesn't need to be responded to in an instant
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Speaker 1: For me online too, which we've had conversations around sometimes
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Speaker 1: if I can see they've made their mind up about me,
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Speaker 1: they are full projection, they're not open to having a conversation.
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Speaker 1: I do delete block. That's a boundary for me, I actually,
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Speaker 1: you don't deserve any of my energy if you're not
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Speaker 1: even willing to hear my side or be open that
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Speaker 1: there's two sides to a story, or you make that
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Speaker 1: assumption up about my relationship with my kids, or you're
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Speaker 1: questioning my character, or sometimes I'm just like Noah and
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Speaker 1: you're coming from a fake profile with no photo, no name.
8:24
Speaker 1: You're not even going to show your face. I don't
8:26
Speaker 1: even know who I'm talking to. So there's boundaries around
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Speaker 1: it as well, But it's just very cool practice when
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Speaker 1: these things arise, and everyone listening can implement this into
8:35
Speaker 1: your life. Every time you come across someone that has
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Speaker 1: an opinion or says something mean or negative, or criticizes
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Speaker 1: you or your kids, or your relationship or your work,
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Speaker 1: how do you respond? How do you react? Where's your
8:46
Speaker 1: nervous system at on a one to ten? Are you
8:48
Speaker 1: about to blow up? Or you're at a five, or
8:51
Speaker 1: you're to three and you can still breathe bring yourself
8:53
Speaker 1: back down to be a two or three. If you're
8:55
Speaker 1: feeling on fire up here, about to burst, just give
8:58
Speaker 1: that little bit of space and it could only be
8:59
Speaker 1: a minute. I've just actually going to the bathroom and
9:01
Speaker 1: taking some big breaths and then coming back and being
9:04
Speaker 1: able to address it.
9:05
Speaker 2: I like what you said around giving yourself a minute
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Speaker 2: to regulate, especially as like a full blown anxious galley.
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Speaker 2: It's so important because as an anxious person you want
9:14
Speaker 2: to lean in straight away and fix and talk about it.
9:18
Speaker 2: And also as well, even when you're receiving shit like
9:20
Speaker 2: that and people are saying things about you, you want
9:23
Speaker 2: to preserve the way that people see. You want to
9:25
Speaker 2: fix it, you want to make amends. That's what you're
9:28
Speaker 2: forward leaning. Yes, you know, And something my dad has
9:31
Speaker 2: always said to me, He's like, if forever you are dysregulated, angry,
9:35
Speaker 2: upset at a situation, just sleep on it. Yeah, that's
9:39
Speaker 2: just sleep on it because it's like it's likely that
9:42
Speaker 2: you will feel different in the morning than what you
9:44
Speaker 2: do right now.
9:44
Speaker 3: You just need a breather and you need a nap.
9:47
Speaker 1: Actually, spark go to bed. Yeah, you know, had a
9:50
Speaker 1: lot of people say you should never go to bed
9:51
Speaker 1: angry with your partner. Kind of disagree. Yeah, sometimes it's
9:54
Speaker 1: okay to be angry your partner. Sleep on it and
9:57
Speaker 1: wake up and be like, oh spicy last night or wow,
10:00
Speaker 1: I didn't really hold space for you or gosh, that
10:02
Speaker 1: really upset me how you said that. Can we talk
10:04
Speaker 1: about it now that we can't, I should think it's
10:06
Speaker 1: okay to take space. And if that's at nighttime, Yeah,
10:08
Speaker 1: that's what you've got to do.
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Speaker 3: It's discernment.
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Speaker 2: Hey, it's like what you're mentioning about the online comments.
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Speaker 2: Is this worth my energy or not? And you have
10:17
Speaker 2: to everybody's different obviously be able to gauge within yourself.
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Speaker 2: Does this throw me into an anxious spiral and go
10:24
Speaker 2: into self doubt and it's going to ruin the rest
10:26
Speaker 2: of my day? Okay, delete and block the comment. Okay,
10:30
Speaker 2: you know, don't have the conversation right now. But if
10:32
Speaker 2: it's something that you're like, Okay, I can handle this.
10:35
Speaker 2: This makes me uncomfortable, but also I don't appreciate this
10:38
Speaker 2: on my page in my community.
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Speaker 3: I'm not going to tolerate this.
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Speaker 2: Yeah you go, okay, beautiful, I can have this conversation
10:45
Speaker 2: with this person. Let this person know where I'm at. Yeah,
10:48
Speaker 2: engauge where that person is as well. Same thing with
10:50
Speaker 2: your partner. Okay, can I communicate how I'm feeling right now?
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Speaker 2: Can they communicate how they're feeling beautiful. If yes, amazing,
10:57
Speaker 2: you'll work it out. If not, sleep on it, you'll
11:00
Speaker 2: be fine. Exact we do, and.
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Speaker 1: I think we have to remember our words can have
11:06
Speaker 1: a positive or a negative impact. People forget the power
11:10
Speaker 1: of words and negatively, they could be the reason why
11:13
Speaker 1: someone doesn't eat that day, how they skip a meal,
11:15
Speaker 1: they don't take an opportunity, they question themselves, they don't
11:19
Speaker 1: take a chance, they don't want to get out of bed.
11:21
Speaker 1: You just never want to be the person that's part
11:24
Speaker 1: responsible for how that person's feeling. I know myself. I
11:27
Speaker 1: used to always say this when I get hate, I'm
11:30
Speaker 1: so grateful that it's on me and it's not on
11:33
Speaker 1: a fifteen year old girl that is at her tipping
11:35
Speaker 1: edge of not wanting to be on earth side. Yeah,
11:37
Speaker 1: or a mum that's a breaking point that one comment
11:40
Speaker 1: could literally have her having a mental breakdown. And she's
11:42
Speaker 1: got three young children take care of when she can't
11:44
Speaker 1: take care of them, So bring it on me. I
11:47
Speaker 1: always think if they're doing it to me, then hopefully
11:48
Speaker 1: they're not doing it to someone else. But back when
11:51
Speaker 1: I was younger and going through the hate, I was
11:53
Speaker 1: at that tipping edge and every comment was another reminder
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Speaker 1: of this is not going to stop unless I leave earthside.
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Speaker 1: I would never want to be contributing to anything that
12:04
Speaker 1: could affect someone's mental health.
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Speaker 2: Ever, it's like death by a thousand cuts.
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Speaker 1: Hey, literally we comment one hundred percent And I don't
12:11
Speaker 1: know why. For some reason, people think that if you
12:13
Speaker 1: have a following that it doesn't affect you, or it's
12:16
Speaker 1: expected that you should get hate and you should have
12:19
Speaker 1: everyone's opinions thrown at you just because you think something.
12:22
Speaker 1: Guess what, You don't have to type it. Yeah, you
12:25
Speaker 1: don't actually have to vocalize that. Vocalize it with your
12:28
Speaker 1: best friend or your partner or voice recorder or journal it.
12:31
Speaker 1: Say it in the ocean when I can hear you. You
12:33
Speaker 1: don't actually have to say that to that person online.
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Speaker 1: There's still a human behind the screen.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, they forget that they're doing it to a human.
12:39
Speaker 1: Yes, I think so too'tual person behind that screen.
12:43
Speaker 2: Almost as if people don't understand the consequences of their
12:45
Speaker 2: actions because they're not receiving the consequences if they were.
12:49
Speaker 2: You never think it will happen to you until it's
12:51
Speaker 2: happening to you, and then you're going through it. I
12:53
Speaker 2: think it's something that we can all be more conscious
12:55
Speaker 2: and mindful of, is the way that we are outwardly
12:58
Speaker 2: treating other people and impacting others. Because it might seem
13:01
Speaker 2: like a mindless comment on someone's social media post that
13:04
Speaker 2: you're questioning about, yeah, but don't realize that that could
13:08
Speaker 2: be the thing that tips them over the edge.
13:09
Speaker 1: You also don't know what's cut behind closed doors. So
13:11
Speaker 1: you think by looking at their highlight reel that they've
13:14
Speaker 1: got a great partner and they've got a shiny car
13:16
Speaker 1: and they're doing well. What if their mums just passed away.
13:19
Speaker 1: What if they're in the midst of going through a divorce?
13:21
Speaker 1: Actually have no idea what if your sexual comment triggered
13:25
Speaker 1: their sexual assault from when their you like, you actually
13:27
Speaker 1: have no idea what someone's battling behind closed doors. And
13:31
Speaker 1: guess what, every single moment of each day, you have
13:34
Speaker 1: a choice to be kind, to be positive towards someone,
13:37
Speaker 1: or to be negative. That is a conscious choice that
13:39
Speaker 1: you are making a lot of time. It's unconscious, but
13:41
Speaker 1: you need to take more responsibility for what you're putting
13:43
Speaker 1: out in the world. It does have impact.
13:45
Speaker 2: I agree, and I think this is why it's supportant
13:47
Speaker 2: conversation to be able to have because there's a new
13:49
Speaker 2: standard that we get to set for the way that
13:51
Speaker 2: we get to be treated in everyday life online on
13:54
Speaker 2: social media, especially when it comes to people leaving random comments.
13:59
Speaker 2: And yes, there's a battle between knowing what's worthy of
14:02
Speaker 2: replying to and then replying to things based on how
14:06
Speaker 2: much mental capacity you have, But it's setting a new
14:08
Speaker 2: standard of just going, regardless of whether it's in person,
14:12
Speaker 2: on social media, online, or wherever I get a voice.
14:15
Speaker 2: And it's not because I'm trying to fight with a
14:17
Speaker 2: troll or respond to somebody who doesn't like me, or
14:20
Speaker 2: to prove that I'm worthy. It's simply to remind the
14:23
Speaker 2: seven year old girl inside of you and me and
14:25
Speaker 2: everyone listening that someone can say something nasty to you
14:29
Speaker 2: and you have a right to speak back. And I
14:31
Speaker 2: think a lot of women are naturally more full into
14:34
Speaker 2: the suppression of their voice and have been exiled for
14:38
Speaker 2: that in the past. Long generations before us been exiled
14:41
Speaker 2: for being witches and all the things. So it's a
14:42
Speaker 2: whole of the conversation. But we suppress naturally our voices,
14:46
Speaker 2: and this is about a declaration to yourself of bringing
14:50
Speaker 2: back that power of your voice and reminding yourself that
14:53
Speaker 2: you've got one.
14:54
Speaker 1: So beautifully said, every time you choose not to have
14:57
Speaker 1: a voice, actually have a photo of yourself, you're not
15:00
Speaker 1: just abandoning yourself as your adult self. You're actually abandoning
15:02
Speaker 1: that little girl. And the more you abandon her, the
15:06
Speaker 1: more she's just going to want to be seen and heard,
15:08
Speaker 1: and it's going to come out in other ways. The
15:10
Speaker 1: moment she feels heard, it's like you get to release
15:13
Speaker 1: her and she gets to be seen and love for
15:15
Speaker 1: all she is. That's only our responsibilities. No one can
15:18
Speaker 1: actually do that for you. I wish someone could come
15:20
Speaker 1: and save you, but they can't. An amazing job in
15:25
Speaker 1: a child work. It's super challenging work, but it's really
15:27
Speaker 1: important just acknowledge that they're actually there. They're still a
15:29
Speaker 1: part of you and they always will be.
15:31
Speaker 2: And you know what, that inner child likely doesn't have
15:34
Speaker 2: the tools to communicate properly, so us as the protectors
15:38
Speaker 2: of our inner children and children so sounds funny to
15:41
Speaker 2: say in that context, as the protectors, it's our opportunity
15:46
Speaker 2: and our responsibility to learn how to communicate as adults,
15:50
Speaker 2: so that we can resolve so that we can connect better,
15:54
Speaker 2: so that we can get that voice, and that point
15:56
Speaker 2: across of the little girl inside who struggled to speak
16:00
Speaker 2: up when she was younger heard or who was yeah, dismissed,
16:04
Speaker 2: you know, spoken down to punish all the time, told
16:07
Speaker 2: that she wasn't allowed to have a voice. It's healing
16:10
Speaker 2: all of those things that we've experienced in the past,
16:11
Speaker 2: but doing it in a way that we're proud of.
16:13
Speaker 1: Yes, that's so beautiful. So apparently I cheat on Steve
16:17
Speaker 1: all the time and he cheats on me all the time.
16:18
Speaker 1: This is a projection that we get all the time.
16:21
Speaker 1: Every time I go away or he goes away, there'll
16:23
Speaker 1: be a fake profile with no name making up these rumors,
16:27
Speaker 1: and that for me is something that I just don't
16:30
Speaker 1: ever entertain. It's an instant delete and block. Like we've
16:33
Speaker 1: literally been together before and someone said, oh, Steve's out
16:36
Speaker 1: doing this. I'm like, you fucking realize other movies together.
16:39
Speaker 1: It's just so absurd. It's so crazy the lens people
16:42
Speaker 1: will go to to try and cause drama, and that
16:44
Speaker 1: for me is just not even worth one ounce of
16:46
Speaker 1: my energy. Yeah, So it's an instant delete and block.
16:49
Speaker 1: Some things I'm open to having conversations with and some
16:52
Speaker 1: things I won't.
16:52
Speaker 2: Entertain understandable and also as well, it's an indication of
16:57
Speaker 2: the bond and the relationship and the death that you
16:59
Speaker 2: guys have know for you to be able to to.
17:03
Speaker 3: Be able to respond in that way.
17:05
Speaker 2: No, no, like you don't understand what we have here,
17:09
Speaker 2: what we've built and consistently built over the seventeen years
17:13
Speaker 2: that you both have been together.
17:14
Speaker 1: I don't know us from a bar of soap.
17:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Like Tatiana is like the audacity for someone
17:21
Speaker 2: to try to get between someone's relationship like that marriage
17:24
Speaker 2: and to have no regard for consequences of what that
17:28
Speaker 2: might do if someone didn't have a strong bond.
17:31
Speaker 1: Or imagine if that was a relationship where there had
17:34
Speaker 1: been cheating in the past and then they haven't done
17:35
Speaker 1: it since, which isn't Steve and I, but imagine that
17:38
Speaker 1: they're hearing a rumor that would just bring up all
17:40
Speaker 1: the triggers and imagine that partner hadn't done that. The
17:43
Speaker 1: trouble people can cause this online world is it's interesting.
17:49
Speaker 2: This isn't necessarily a comment or anything like that. This
17:52
Speaker 2: is something that happened in real life. But I remember
17:55
Speaker 2: my first relationship that I was with. We were together
17:57
Speaker 2: on and off for about three to four years, and
17:59
Speaker 2: he had a girl best friend who was just such
18:02
Speaker 2: an absolute bitch to me. Oh no, I hate to
18:06
Speaker 2: even use the word, but she just for some.
18:08
Speaker 3: Reason, was so rude to me.
18:11
Speaker 2: Didn't want to buy a soap for me, wouldn't communicate
18:15
Speaker 2: with me, didn't want to be my friend, always had
18:17
Speaker 2: something to say, passive aggressive stabs. Yeah, would make it
18:21
Speaker 2: out like I wasn't there when we were all together.
18:23
Speaker 2: It was really uncomfortable, and I just remember her this
18:26
Speaker 2: one time. He told me this actually, which is bizarre
18:29
Speaker 2: that he told me this after we'd broken up. I
18:32
Speaker 2: had gained some weight because I really struggled with the
18:34
Speaker 2: relationship breakup, and I remember him telling me, oh, so
18:39
Speaker 2: and so told me that it looks like Tiana took
18:43
Speaker 2: the breakup really bad because it looks like she's been
18:45
Speaker 2: eating a tub of ice cream every night for dinner.
18:47
Speaker 2: Obviously that wasn't said to my face. It was Chinese
18:49
Speaker 2: whispers of some kind. But it's those moments where you
18:53
Speaker 2: either get to choose, like how is this going to
18:56
Speaker 2: impact me? In the way I feel about myself or
18:58
Speaker 2: am I going to use it into something productive?
19:00
Speaker 1: Yes?
19:01
Speaker 2: And little did you know, that was the very beginning
19:03
Speaker 2: of my fitness journey. Thank you, Ken confirm I turned
19:08
Speaker 2: my pain into power.
19:09
Speaker 1: Uh huh.
19:10
Speaker 2: I just remember being so hurt by that comment, because
19:12
Speaker 2: that was the most heartbroken I'd ever been in my life.
19:15
Speaker 3: And I was so young, I.
19:17
Speaker 2: Was still learning, I was still a little baby, and
19:19
Speaker 2: I'd been through what felt like a lot of pain
19:21
Speaker 2: in that relationship.
19:23
Speaker 3: For someone to say something it sounds.
19:25
Speaker 2: Silly, it's such a light thing, but I just remember
19:27
Speaker 2: the impact that it had. And it's just those comments
19:30
Speaker 2: that people aren't aware of. That's a passing comment, might
19:33
Speaker 2: not mean much to them, but it might completely change
19:35
Speaker 2: everything for somebody else.
19:37
Speaker 1: Yes, you know, I don't know if you're open to sharing,
19:39
Speaker 1: but I remember you sharing with me a story about
19:41
Speaker 1: a past friendship where you were accused of taking some money,
19:46
Speaker 1: like a cleaner or a gardener bill or something. Yeah,
19:49
Speaker 1: so about that, and how did you respond to her
19:52
Speaker 1: or the situation or the rumors?
19:54
Speaker 2: Absolutely so to give context. So I didn't know that
19:57
Speaker 2: this was being said about me. I found this out
19:59
Speaker 2: maybe two years later. Oh, something like that, and it
20:02
Speaker 2: was one of my old best friends. She had then
20:04
Speaker 2: come to me and said, hey, I'm sorry for the
20:06
Speaker 2: way that I behaved, in the way that I treated you.
20:07
Speaker 2: I didn't even give you the benefit of the doubt,
20:09
Speaker 2: and I don't believe anything that was said about you,
20:12
Speaker 2: but here are the things that are being said about you.
20:14
Speaker 2: One of the things that was being said behind my
20:16
Speaker 2: back was that you should be worried of Tiana because
20:19
Speaker 2: she tried to take the man that I was seeing,
20:21
Speaker 2: or her boyfriend at the time when we were living together,
20:25
Speaker 2: which is very fucking ironic because I didn't even meet
20:29
Speaker 2: the guy. Oh, she wasn't dating anybody when we were
20:33
Speaker 2: living together.
20:33
Speaker 3: I didn't know.
20:35
Speaker 2: I do remember seeing something that she had received a
20:38
Speaker 2: gift or something like that whilst we were still living together,
20:40
Speaker 2: whilst we were still friends, but at this point our
20:42
Speaker 2: friendship had broken down so much that we weren't really
20:45
Speaker 2: telling each other everything anymore, and there was a lot
20:47
Speaker 2: of distance in space between us, and apparently I tried
20:51
Speaker 2: to take him off her, like steal her man, and
20:54
Speaker 2: it was the most bizarre thing, and I just remember
20:57
Speaker 2: being so hurt by it because I one didn't meet
21:00
Speaker 2: the guy. I would have never done anything like that
21:02
Speaker 2: to her, and she tried to use my past against
21:05
Speaker 2: me in a lot of ways. And so that was
21:07
Speaker 2: one of the things that I was told. And then
21:08
Speaker 2: another thing that I was told was that apparently I
21:12
Speaker 2: was pocketing the cleaner money that we were putting aside
21:14
Speaker 2: for our cleaner to pay every week, which was like
21:16
Speaker 2: fifty dollars each or something seventy dollars each.
21:19
Speaker 1: Anyone that knows you is just ridiculous.
21:22
Speaker 2: Claiming that I was stealing money from her, which is
21:24
Speaker 2: so bizarre because especially especially in that house, I was
21:28
Speaker 2: always paying my way. We spit everything fifty to fifty
21:31
Speaker 2: even if we didn't, and she would buy food, I
21:33
Speaker 2: would then buy food, and I was paying for it
21:35
Speaker 2: for her kids.
21:36
Speaker 3: As well, do you know what I mean.
21:37
Speaker 1: So it was always like we were.
21:38
Speaker 2: Always paying it forward. It really hurt me. It really
21:42
Speaker 2: hurt me, and what was said about me, and again
21:45
Speaker 2: it could have been so much worse, which is totally fine,
21:47
Speaker 2: but it's not the point. It was someone who was
21:48
Speaker 2: really close to me, really knew me, also knew how
21:51
Speaker 2: to hurt me, which is really unfortunate.
21:53
Speaker 1: Is it kind of a good thing, blessing in disguise
21:55
Speaker 1: that you found out two years later, Because do you
21:57
Speaker 1: think at the moment you would have reacted in a
21:59
Speaker 1: different way, whereas two years down the track you were like, Okay,
22:01
Speaker 1: that's been said, I'm not going to do anything about it. Whatever.
22:04
Speaker 1: I think.
22:04
Speaker 2: If I had so that at the time, when I
22:06
Speaker 2: was really hurt and I was really grieving the friendship,
22:08
Speaker 2: I think I definitely would have responded in a different way.
22:12
Speaker 2: But when this woman came to me and spoke to
22:14
Speaker 2: me about it, it was less about what had been
22:17
Speaker 2: said about me and more about like I was sorry
22:19
Speaker 2: that she had experienced the same thing with this woman.
22:23
Speaker 2: And I guess at the end of the day, I
22:24
Speaker 2: remember saying to her like, there's nothing that I could
22:27
Speaker 2: have said or done to change the way that she
22:30
Speaker 2: was talking about me. Like, at the end of the day,
22:32
Speaker 2: like I know who I am, and I remember coming
22:34
Speaker 2: to you and saying this to you, There's nothing that
22:36
Speaker 2: I could have done. Who I choose to be now
22:38
Speaker 2: speaks volumes. And I've never felt like I had to
22:41
Speaker 2: defend myself, and even though I wanted to in moments
22:44
Speaker 2: where I felt vulnerable and in pain and all of
22:47
Speaker 2: those things. I wanted to defend myself at some points,
22:50
Speaker 2: but I realized that I didn't have to do that,
22:52
Speaker 2: and who I chose to be and who I knew
22:54
Speaker 2: myself to be at my core speaks so much louder
22:57
Speaker 2: than any words that I could have said, and.
22:59
Speaker 1: A huge lesson I've learned from you, which is cool. Yeah,
23:02
Speaker 1: it's so powerful when you don't feel like you need
23:04
Speaker 1: to defend yourself or even if you want to in
23:06
Speaker 1: the moment, but then when you regulate like, no, I
23:08
Speaker 1: don't have to, because how I show up is going
23:10
Speaker 1: to show the person that I'm choosing to be, even
23:13
Speaker 1: in situations now I always think too, how you show
23:17
Speaker 1: up it gives safety and confidence in your friends and
23:20
Speaker 1: family to see how you act and behave in moments
23:23
Speaker 1: of trigger and hurt and upset. Well, yeah, and for
23:25
Speaker 1: them to see that you handle that with grace and
23:27
Speaker 1: with love and with compassion and no aggressiveness. It's just beautiful.
23:33
Speaker 1: You know. How I see you communicate with everyone makes
23:36
Speaker 1: me feel so safe for anything that I bring to you.
23:39
Speaker 1: I know you're going to hold with love and you're
23:41
Speaker 1: never going to question my intentions or who I am.
23:43
Speaker 1: It's not going to change the way that you think
23:45
Speaker 1: about me or feel towards me. You know, it does
23:48
Speaker 1: speak such volume and that inspires me to be a
23:50
Speaker 1: better person.
23:51
Speaker 2: There's one more thing that I just wanted to say
23:53
Speaker 2: in terms of communication, that's really been a lifeline for me.
23:56
Speaker 2: If you ever feel disregulated, overwhelmed, so full of emotion
24:00
Speaker 2: that you don't know how to communicate, I highly recommend
24:03
Speaker 2: just using this framework. So it's facts, feeling resolution. Oh okay,
24:08
Speaker 2: and this is the way whenever I felt uncomfortable, I
24:11
Speaker 2: would always use this. You write down the facts of
24:14
Speaker 2: the situation, so XYZ happened, feelings, it made me feel xyz. Resolution,
24:21
Speaker 2: This is what I would need moving forward. Can we
24:23
Speaker 2: do this?
24:24
Speaker 1: That's cool?
24:25
Speaker 3: And it doesn't matter.
24:26
Speaker 2: What kind of area in life you're in, relationship, friendship,
24:28
Speaker 2: family member, it doesn't matter. It's always a framework that
24:31
Speaker 2: you can use to communicate and get across exactly what
24:34
Speaker 2: it is that you want really and also share your feelings.
24:37
Speaker 2: This is you expressing yourself, building that voice up again.
24:41
Speaker 1: I absolutely love that. If you guys walk away from
24:43
Speaker 1: the episode just implementing that into your communication and how
24:46
Speaker 1: you deal with things, or if it's just allowing yourself
24:50
Speaker 1: that space when you feel triggered to just take some
24:51
Speaker 1: breaths and regulate and think do I want to react
24:54
Speaker 1: or do I want to respond in a way that
24:56
Speaker 1: I'm proud of, because you get a choice, but a
24:58
Speaker 1: lot of us just need that little bit of space
25:00
Speaker 1: to gather our thoughts and even having like a safe
25:03
Speaker 1: person with it's your partner or your mom, your best friend,
25:05
Speaker 1: someone that you can invent out how you really feel.
25:08
Speaker 1: Tatiana and Stephanie do that often all the time. I
25:11
Speaker 1: will literally say to Steve, babe, as she's gone for
25:13
Speaker 1: a walk, Stephanie wants to tell you how I feel
25:16
Speaker 1: about what happened today. And Stephanie's fucking pissed. And Stephanie
25:20
Speaker 1: thinks this, and I want to respond this, and I'm
25:22
Speaker 1: not going to. I'm gonna tell you how I feel.
25:25
Speaker 1: You know, it's so healthy to get that out. And
25:27
Speaker 1: once I've blown that bit of steam, even if it's
25:29
Speaker 1: just a minute, I'm like, now, now I'm going to
25:32
Speaker 1: draft out my reply in a way that I'm proud
25:34
Speaker 1: of actually come back in.
25:35
Speaker 2: And you often feel so much better after that anyway,
25:37
Speaker 2: because it's a more compassionate version of you comes. Yes,
25:41
Speaker 2: you're like, oh, this can see this water is, I
25:43
Speaker 2: can see you for your pain. I can see where
25:45
Speaker 2: this projection is coming from. And also too, with online stuff,
25:50
Speaker 2: I feel like the last six months, I've really tried
25:52
Speaker 2: to think, Ah, I can see how they might assume
25:55
Speaker 2: that because I haven't said anything about this, or because
25:59
Speaker 2: there's only one side at the moment, or because they've
26:03
Speaker 2: seen this or this online, and because I've said that once,
26:06
Speaker 2: I can see how they're assuming that. Yes, and try
26:09
Speaker 2: to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and don't
26:11
Speaker 2: assume the worst, you know, because sometimes if you're triggered
26:15
Speaker 2: or something's happening, you can think that they've got bad intentions,
26:17
Speaker 2: but genuinely they've missed something, or they're curious, or they
26:21
Speaker 2: a bit nosy, but they mean no harm. So it's
26:23
Speaker 2: been cool for me to take a step back and
26:24
Speaker 2: be like, Okay, this person isn't attacking me, they're just curious.
26:28
Speaker 1: I'll give them a benefit of the doubt, and then
26:30
Speaker 1: by their next response, I can gauge where they're at
26:33
Speaker 1: and their intentions behind it. Oh I like that. Yeah,
26:35
Speaker 1: but it's still allowing space, isn't it.
26:37
Speaker 2: It's like not taking it so personally. Yeah, it feels
26:40
Speaker 2: like an attack. Yeah, but being willing to hear and
26:42
Speaker 2: communicate more to discover the truth below.
26:45
Speaker 1: And when you have an online platform, whether it's a
26:47
Speaker 1: thousand followers or a moon followers, people are interested in
26:50
Speaker 1: your life. They genuinely are. They want to know what's up,
26:53
Speaker 1: they want to know what's happened. They want the goss,
26:54
Speaker 1: they want the tea, they want the story because they're connected.
26:57
Speaker 1: It's like when people watch reality shows. You don't know
27:00
Speaker 1: that person from a bar of so many, you're addicted
27:01
Speaker 1: to watching their lives. It's quite a similar Yeah, yeah, same, same,
27:06
Speaker 1: But anyways, thank you guys for joining us. We hope
27:10
Speaker 1: you loved this episode and we'll see you next week.
27:13
Speaker 1: Up the next episode next week. What day are we?
27:15
Speaker 1: I don't know? Wednesday? Are we Friday? Bye guys,