Latest / Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia. / Naming The Wounds We Carry From Home

Transcript

Naming The Wounds We Carry From Home · Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia.

0:00
Dora: I'm Ita.
0:02
Dora: Take a breath with me.
0:04
Dora: This episode is tender.
0:06
Dora: This episode may stir memories you didn't plan to visit today.
0:11
Dora: We're talking about the kind of shame that didn't come from strangers, but from people who loved you, fed you, raised you, worried about you.
0:22
Dora: And sometimes those people were sad, depressed, emotionally unavailable, grieving lives they didn't get to live.
0:33
Dora: And still what they said hurt.
0:37
Dora: Now don't get me wrong, this is not a blame episode.
0:41
Dora: This is a truth-telling episode.
0:44
Dora: Because healing doesn't ask us to billionize our parents or loved ones, but it does ask us to stop minimizing our pain.
0:54
Dora: If at any point you need to pause, ground, or come back later, do that.
1:00
Dora: Your nervous system leads here.
1:10
Dora: Before we get into today's conversation, I want to introduce myself, especially if this is your first time here.
1:16
Dora: My name is Doralicia Parxedes, and this is I'm hijita podcast.
1:22
Dora: I'm a first-generation Mexican woman who grew up in the Chicago suburbs.
1:27
Dora: English was my second language, and like many eldest daughters in Latino households, I learned very early what it meant to be responsible, to take care of others, and to be strong.
1:40
Dora: But strength sometimes came with a cost.
1:44
Dora: From a young age, I became a mother finger to my sisters.
1:48
Dora: I learned to read the room, to keep the peace, to anticipate people's needs before they even said them.
1:57
Dora: And somewhere along the way, like many of us, I learned how to abandon parts of myself in order to belong.
2:05
Dora: I also experienced moments in my life where love and pain existed in the same space.
2:23
Dora: That stayed with me longer than anyone realized.
2:28
Dora: And if you grew up in a home where mental health wasn't talked about, where sadness was hidden, where survival was a priority, then you probably understand what it I mean when I say that love and shame sometimes showed up together.
2:49
Dora: My healing journey really began about eight years ago after my back injury forced me to slow down and face parts of myself I had been running from.
2:57
Dora: That moment opened a deeper path of inner work.
3:02
Dora: Emotional healing, ancestral work, spiritual practices, therapy, coaching, astrology, human design, all the tools that helped me understand myself on a deeper level.
3:17
Dora: And along the way, I realized something powerful.
3:21
Dora: So many of us are carrying wounds that didn't come from strangers.
3:26
Dora: They came from people who loved us, but didn't always know how to love us in emotionally safe ways.
3:35
Dora: That realization is part of why this podcast exists.
3:39
Dora: This space is for conversations we didn't grow up having about healing, identity, generational patterns, emotional intelligence, and learning how to come back home to ourselves.
3:52
Dora: So whether you're here because you're navigating family dynamics, unpacking childhood conditioning, or simply trying to understand yourself a little better or this first generation daughter perspective, I want you to know you're in the right place.
4:09
Dora: So take a breath, settle in, and let's talk about something many of us carry, but rarely say out loud.
4:17
Dora: So grab your cavecito, your té, your beverage of choice, and let's hop into today's episode.
4:31
Dora: Let's name shame clearly.
4:34
Dora: Shame is not guilt.
4:37
Dora: Guilt says, I did something wrong.
4:41
Dora: Shame says something is wrong with me.
4:45
Dora: And when shame comes from a loved one, it wires deeper.
4:50
Dora: Because as children, we don't question our caregivers, we internalize them.
4:55
Dora: So when you heard you're too sensitive, you're lazy, you're being a dramatica, dramatic, you should be grateful.
5:07
Dora: Why can't you just be happy?
5:10
Dora: Your body learned my emotions are unsafe.
5:14
Dora: Especially in homes where emotions weren't modeled.
5:18
Dora: Sadness was a way of shutdown, like stonewalling.
5:23
Dora: Survival was prioritized because we gotta pay the bills, you know, gotta pagar los billes.
5:28
Dora: And silence meant peace.
5:30
Dora: Like if we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist, right?
5:34
Dora: So shame became the teacher instead of emotional literacy.
5:38
Dora: And that was something I uncovered in my adulthood with um my husband, because there are a lot of deeper schooling conditioning that we have, and I came from that background as well, where my parents did not talk about any of those things.
5:56
Dora: We didn't even eat at the dinner table together.
5:59
Dora: So what made you think we would talk about emotions, right?
6:02
Dora: And especially when I remember I would get scolded, regañada, from my dad.
6:06
Dora: I remember I would cry hysterically before he even would say anything.
6:12
Dora: Because I was just like anticipating that, you know, it's like the disappointment, the oh, now he's gonna yell at me and he's gonna tell me que soy una burra, que I'm uh stupid or something, or you know, I can't get my shit together.
6:24
Dora: And that's where you just brace yourself.
6:28
Dora: In many first gen homes, feelings were luxuries because who wanted to talk about those things?
6:35
Dora: You know, my parents, they just would work and come home.
6:40
Dora: My mom, my gosh, love her so much.
6:43
Dora: Now I appreciate all the things she did now that I grew up and I'm a mom.
6:47
Dora: She would cook, she would clean, she would do my um ropa sucia, my laundry.
6:53
Dora: Um, and personally, I think she loved to do my laundry because she would find notes for my friends, and then she would make me read them and translate them from um English to Spanish.
7:03
Dora: And sometimes, I'm not gonna lie, I would actually change what I it would say.
7:07
Dora: Um, I know there was this one time my parents like sat me in my room and they made me read a letter that one of my friends wrote me, and it was actually like she was suicidal, she was depressed.
7:20
Dora: And my parents thought it was me saying those things, but at the moment, like in retrospect, it's like, damn, that girl, she was going through it, and I didn't even know.
7:30
Dora: I my parents were just like concerned about me, I guess, but they didn't even know how to handle it.
7:35
Dora: Like, how about if I was suicidal?
7:37
Dora: Like, what would they actually do?
7:40
Dora: And I remember what they did say was Cabrona, you better not be trying to kill yourself because that is not an option, you know, and that's all I remember, and that's all that really stuck with me when we had that late conversation and I was translating everything.
7:56
Dora: Because my dad actually he understood English way more than my mom growing up.
8:00
Dora: So my dad was the one that said, you know, read the letter.
8:04
Dora: Another thing that was really prevalent was rest was earned.
8:09
Dora: Like we did not rest.
8:11
Dora: Um, my mom, siempre nos trayen chinga, like we always had to do something, right?
8:16
Dora: Like always had to clean or do your homework.
8:20
Dora: Oh, and my favorite was I would do my homework just so I wouldn't have to clean.
8:25
Dora: So that was my way out.
8:26
Dora: But my mom, when she came home, she expected everything to be so neat.
8:30
Dora: And I felt like I never had a break.
8:32
Dora: I never did after school activities because I was always home with my sisters.
8:37
Dora: That was my responsibility, was to take care of them.
8:39
Dora: At the short age of like seven, I had to come home straight home.
8:43
Dora: Um, when I think I remember since I was five, like I would always take care of them.
8:49
Dora: But mental health wasn't language, it was just stigma.
8:52
Dora: Like, das loca?
8:54
Dora: Like, are you crazy?
8:55
Dora: Like, psychologists, counselors, all that.
9:00
Dora: No, that did not exist for us at home.
9:03
Dora: Um, that was just something like you're not crazy, so why would you need to go to a therapist?
9:10
Dora: kind of thing.
9:11
Dora: And sadness was weakness.
9:13
Dora: Like, if I was sad, oh goodness gracious.
9:16
Dora: Like my mom, instead of her like comforting me and like saying, Oh, what's wrong, Mika?
9:23
Dora: Like, let's talk about it.
9:24
Dora: No, it was Cabrona, just get up and start doing something.
9:28
Dora: What do you mean, depressed?
9:29
Dora: Go wash your dishes, go do this, go do that.
9:32
Dora: It's like, yeah, there was no room for that.
9:34
Dora: There was no room for the negative emotions and unpacking them.
9:37
Dora: I feel like she would just get angry instead of actually helping, you know, like or comforting, like being in that mommy role.
9:46
Dora: Because my mom, I always saw her as a bull, right?
9:49
Dora: She always was the one to keep it going.
9:52
Dora: My mom, I don't remember ever her, I don't remember her crying at all when I was younger.
9:58
Dora: I think there was this one time my parents were like, there was multiple times, but one specific time she was gonna get divorced and leave my dad.
10:06
Dora: I believe I was like 11, no, it was probably like nine.
10:11
Dora: And I remember I cried so hard.
10:13
Dora: I'm like, please don't have a divorce, like, or I don't want you guys to stop right at.
10:18
Dora: And I remember the police came and everything.
10:20
Dora: I don't know.
10:20
Dora: That's probably a different different story for a different day.
10:23
Dora: Um, but there was a lot that that would go on, and my mom, I just never saw her sad now that I think about it.
10:30
Dora: My grandma, she admits she cannot cry.
10:32
Dora: Like she cannot grieve her son, she cannot grieve her husband, she cannot grieve.
10:36
Dora: And so that's something that ancestrally I am healing.
10:41
Dora: So a lot that I saw too were boundaries, they were always disrespected.
10:48
Dora: I rem I remember it's like I just needed to be alone, right, in my room.
10:52
Dora: And my sisters, I love them dearly now, but growing up, my goodness, were we just annoying to each other?
10:59
Dora: And I just needed my own room, right?
11:02
Dora: And I remember sharing my room with my sister, so they had bunk beds, and then I had the other side of the room, and I would do a I would draw a line in the middle of the room, okay, with tape.
11:13
Dora: And one of my sisters, not gonna say who, but you can kind of guess who, um, would just like go over the line all the time.
11:20
Dora: And it's like, yo, I told you, like, stay on your side of the room.
11:25
Dora: And I always like to organize my room, have it clean and neat, but I would get in trouble too, because they would have a messy room.
11:33
Dora: And so that's where the responsibility lied.
11:36
Dora: But boundaries, yeah.
11:37
Dora: A lot of boundaries were crossed.
11:39
Dora: I'm not gonna lie.
11:40
Dora: I would cross them too.
11:41
Dora: I would, oh, my my other kind of looking back in retrospect growing up, I would swear in I would swear in English and my mom would catch on eventually.
11:50
Dora: Like I would call my sisters, like, I don't know, very various profanities, such as bitch and ho and this.
11:57
Dora: And then eventually I got creative and I started calling the mother things, and my mom caught on.
12:01
Dora: And she's like, Dora, don't be calling your sisters that yo sé que es malo, I know that is bad, um, in the car or when she would catch me.
12:10
Dora: And of course, that was not nice, but um, those are the things that we would do growing up.
12:17
Dora: So when elders spoke harshly, it often came from fearing of you failing.
12:24
Dora: Like that fear, like my parents, they just did not want to disappoint anybody all around us.
12:30
Dora: Um, and my dad, when he would scold us and it was usually like the three-strike role, like three strikes and you're out, and that's when we would get pow pow, like with the cinto, with the belt.
12:44
Dora: Um, but that was rarely.
12:46
Dora: I don't remember many times.
12:47
Dora: My mom, she would go kung fu pan on us, so like every day, because the woman was stressed.
12:52
Dora: Um, and it also comes from fear of you suffering, like even though like my dad, he just didn't want us to suffer in a way, but he he really took care of his girls, like his like me and my sisters, but then my mom too.
13:08
Dora: Like he had us on a pedestal, he wanted the best for us, and he didn't want to lose the control.
13:14
Dora: So he often would like fear-monger us at home.
13:17
Dora: Like, my dad taught me that the world was bad, that don't trust anybody, everybody's out to get you kind of thing.
13:25
Dora: Um, and I think it was it definitely is fear in rooted in his own trauma and my parents' like trauma.
13:34
Dora: And I see it with my husband too.
13:36
Dora: Like when he speaks harshly to our kids, it's because there's something coming up for him that he's working through, and he wants to be that authority figure, which I get as a parent, but when your kids are older, and especially when I became 12, I stood up to my mom and I didn't accept that harshness anymore.
13:55
Dora: But intention does not erase the impact.
13:59
Dora: Like, that's the way my mom kind of felt to love.
14:03
Dora: So if you're with me here and you grew up in such a household where you were not emotionally regulated or did not have that emotional literacy, let's just call it, you may have learned to overachieve for approval.
14:16
Dora: Like, I always wanted to please my parents.
14:17
Dora: And I still, like, my dad passed away six years ago, and I'm still trying to please him.
14:22
Dora: Or you learn to silence emotions to keep the peace.
14:26
Dora: Like I did that with my husband for so many years until like five years ago when I started catching on.
14:33
Dora: I'm like, hmm, maybe it's not okay what he does, or how he parents our kids, or you know, just started thinking about those things.
14:42
Dora: Or to become the strong one.
14:44
Dora: Like, you're the one that needs to figure it out, you're the one that has to have your shit together all the time, or to parent your parents.
14:51
Dora: Like, I learned to do a bunch of things because my mom and my dad relied on me, mostly my mom, or elders.
15:00
Dora: They just relied on me because I knew more.
15:03
Dora: It's like, oh, tus entiendes, mija, you do understand.
15:06
Dora: Or to feel guilty for wanting more.
15:09
Dora: Like, we have to be stuck in this paradigm of we're middle class, we're we're hustling, we're grinding, we're trying to make bills, that's why we work more.
15:19
Dora: And that's the little hamster wheel we live in.
15:22
Dora: So pause here.
15:25
Dora: And I want you to ask yourself, what what was I shamed for?
15:31
Dora: And who did that benefit?
15:34
Dora: And sit with that and see what comes up.
15:41
Dora: This is the hardest layer.
15:44
Dora: When a loved one is depressed or emotionally unwell, they may project hopelessness, like there is no tomorrow, or I don't know, aquele tiro, I don't know what I'm my future plans are.
15:57
Dora: Or they speak from fear, like they're genuinely afraid of like and and they have so much stuff coming up from their past, or they have all this fear on moving forward.
16:14
Dora: Or they criticize growth, like, oh no, no, no, we're just complacent.
16:18
Dora: We go to work, we do the thing, we we keep on going, and da-da-da-da-da, and that's how we live life every day, every day, every day.
16:24
Dora: Again, this big hamster wheel.
16:27
Dora: And they minimize joy because a type of person that is depressed, they they they can't see, they're not aware necessarily that they are depressed.
16:37
Dora: They just feel those emotions and they get stuck in this negative energy or these negative emotions, and they get sucked in.
16:46
Dora: And I usually, when I was depressed in the past, um, I remember you just have this sense of like disassociation in a way, with like, even though you're surrounded by people, you feel alone.
17:01
Dora: You feel like there's like nobody cares for you, even though you know people care for you, but you don't feel it.
17:08
Dora: Like it's down to the core of the feeling, and you don't believe in anything, like you don't believe in yourself, you don't believe in anything around you.
17:18
Dora: And that's when I that's when I know that I'm like going into depression mode because I I lose that joy and I don't have that anymore, or that satisfaction.
17:31
Dora: And I'm not talking about like I go eat a donut or a or a concha and I'm good, like I eat a pastry or something and I'm good.
17:37
Dora: No, no, no.
17:38
Dora: It's it's the sense of like aloneness, loneliness, and so also there's guilt for you changing, like sitting with that, like elevating, or like, oh, I'm gonna see it different way.
17:57
Dora: And it's like, nope, you kind of hold yourself back because you feel like you're you're being held back, right?
18:04
Dora: By oh, this is not aligned with how my parents or how my culture or how my family views things, and so you kind of like ricochet back from the wall, and you might hear, why are you trying so hard?
18:19
Dora: Like, and then that's how shaming comes up is you are looked at as a tryhard and you're going through these motions and you're actually evolving, and they all my favorite is that won't last.
18:33
Dora: Oh, it's a novel.
18:34
Dora: Like you're you're making a change for your weight or something, and you're working out and you're doing the things and that.
18:39
Dora: And I actually recently shared this with someone is for you to work out and for you to notice change, it usually takes like about eight weeks for you to notice, but then it takes 12 weeks for someone else to notice, and it's like, yo, the trolls are real because the haters, right?
18:58
Dora: Like, it's like, oh, you're you're evolving.
19:00
Dora: I I and uh and they see that they're not evolving, it's like they try to shame you into like or guilt trip you into like why are you doing that?
19:07
Dora: Like, why do you want to be better than us?
19:09
Dora: Why you know, is it like we're not enough?
19:11
Dora: And it's because of them that they feel like something coming up and brewing, right, underneath the surface, and that's where it's like kind of like the attack.
19:19
Dora: I see it.
19:20
Dora: So the other one is don't get your hopes up, like, oh yeah, that's a nice dream and everything.
19:26
Dora: But and that's that's hot kind of what you might hear is that people want to kind of just taper you down and say, hey, nah, it's that sounds great and all, but yeah, that's not gonna happen.
19:37
Dora: And then the ultimate for me is you think you're better than us now, and you think you're elevated, you think you're moy mooy now, like that kind of thing, that kind of vibe.
19:48
Dora: And because you see their pain, you excuse the harm.
19:51
Dora: You actually kind of give them a free pass because you're like, oh, they're going through it, or oh, this they only see their limiting limitations, or this is all they see.
20:00
Dora: And for me, my favorite also saying is ignorance is a bliss.
20:04
Dora: If you don't know better, like you just don't know better, right?
20:06
Dora: You don't know what you don't know, and you kind of have to understand that every day we learn something new, right?
20:12
Dora: All the time we're learning, we're lifelong learners.
20:14
Dora: I love to uh proactively read and research and do all my stuff, but here's the truth, Mija.
20:23
Dora: Mental illness explains behavior, but it does not give it permission to wound you repeatedly, okay?
20:30
Dora: I'm gonna repeat that again.
20:32
Dora: Mental illness explains behavior.
20:35
Dora: It does not give it permission to wound you repeatedly, like over and over.
20:40
Dora: Okay.
20:41
Dora: You can love someone and still say, I don't accept being spoken to this way.
20:47
Dora: You're not gonna say it with the nonverbal, because the nonverbal is 97%, right?
20:51
Dora: You're not gonna be like all like snapping your fingers and it's like, uh-uh, you're not you don't talk to me like that.
20:55
Dora: No, it's from a calm, cool, collected manner and coming from a place of love and compassion.
21:03
Dora: And that goes for anybody, and that goes for yourself.
21:06
Dora: So that boundary is not abandonment, it is self-respect.
21:13
Dora: Let's connect the dots.
21:15
Dora: Adult manifestations of childhood shame.
21:19
Dora: This is how it shows up in adult life.
21:22
Dora: The people pleasing, you gotta cater to everybody and you gotta make sure everybody likes you.
21:27
Dora: Um, so this one is one that I struggle with because it is something where you want to caerles bienetos, you want to everyone to be, you know, everyone to like you.
21:38
Dora: Um, but we go so far to do things that inhibit our boundaries and stuff, and we like bend over backwards just for other people to be okay.
21:52
Dora: And so that is one of the biggest things that I see with myself and with others um that I work with.
22:00
Dora: Is this people pleasing?
22:02
Dora: The next one here is hyperindependence.
22:05
Dora: So where you have to do everything alone, where you think you're like, Oh, I have to figure it out, it's all on me.
22:11
Dora: You don't seek help, you just want to be the person that figures it out.
22:15
Dora: Um, research instead of delegating, you're like, I'd rather do it myself because I'm gonna do it better than anybody else, that kind of mentality.
22:24
Dora: And so you grow up, and because I have done it all my life, is you feel like there's no support for you, and you have to be this independent woman, right?
22:36
Dora: Which I'm all for.
22:37
Dora: But there are times and moments to acknowledge that it's better to delegate because your time and your energy is so worth it.
22:46
Dora: The other one is emotional numbing.
22:48
Dora: Like I will eat my way through emotions and stress, work my way through, and just numb it.
22:56
Dora: Like instead of actually acknowledging the emotion, I rather, I would rather, well, not now so much, but I still do it at times, where I just like we're feeling sad.
23:07
Dora: No, Cabrona, you can't be sad.
23:08
Dora: We gotta keep going.
23:09
Dora: We don't have time for this, we don't have time to cry.
23:12
Dora: And you just keep on going.
23:13
Dora: And now I've learned to compartmentalize, which is like you put it in like a box, like an imaginary box, and you put it like to the side and say, Okay, I'll come back to you later.
23:23
Dora: But for the for most of my life, it was like, for example, my um when I was younger, when I was sick, my parents, my mom and dad, my dad would normally pick me up from school, and he would just pretend like I wasn't even sick.
23:38
Dora: He would buy me my McDonald's, we would go home, and I would be like puking and shit, and I didn't even want McDonald's, like I didn't want food, and I would just be home alone at the age of like seven or nine, um, through nine.
23:52
Dora: Like, yeah, and that was my you know, I just wanted to be comforted.
23:55
Dora: I wanted little Dora to have like that parent that said, Oh Mika, you want soup, you want this, you want that, watch TV, what you want.
24:02
Dora: No, it was like, okay, all right, see ya.
24:05
Dora: And it's again, like I wasn't even sick, like missed the point completely.
24:12
Dora: The other one is difficulty receiving support, and this one is it shows up where you give so much of yourself, and because you're listening to this, I know that you're a person that is great, is good in the heart, great intentions, but you give so much that you neglect the receiving part of it, or it's difficult for you to receive a compliment, or when somebody offers you a glass of water, like you're like, no, thank you, I'm okay.
24:44
Dora: Um, I want you to practice something, and that's where I started practicing saying yes more often, especially when I kicked off this cancer journey.
24:54
Dora: That was one thing I needed to practice was receiving that support, that love, the letters, the text, the thoughts, the prayers.
25:02
Dora: Um, and it's been very humbling because there was a few weeks, I'm gonna say a month completely, that I depended on others to like wipe my butt, like my husband.
25:13
Dora: No joke.
25:14
Dora: Right after I was out of surgery, I couldn't sit down by myself.
25:18
Dora: I couldn't get out of the recliner for three weeks.
25:20
Dora: Like I needed to depend on others, especially my mom.
25:23
Dora: And that's where the roles switched.
25:26
Dora: Where from my mom, my mom started becoming my mom again.
25:30
Dora: She was actually my mom.
25:31
Dora: Like, I wasn't parenting her anymore.
25:33
Dora: I had to receive that love and support, her food, because that's the way she knows how to love is through food.
25:40
Dora: Um, and just receive it, receive the text, receive the love.
25:45
Dora: And I know that with this whole situation, like we're all learning how to love differently because love comes in so many various ways.
25:55
Dora: So, definitely receiving support was one of the biggest lessons that I've learned this past six months.
26:03
Dora: Another way it shows up is over-explaining your decisions.
26:07
Dora: So when you decide something and then they're trying to sway you, like you just have to like explain yourself over and over again, or like give them details as to why you decided this.
26:15
Dora: It's like, no.
26:17
Dora: You have to be confident in your decision making.
26:20
Dora: It may be for better or for worse, right?
26:22
Dora: Who knows?
26:23
Dora: But that's where um you have to kind of rationalize why you decided the way you decided, and they don't even get the whole picture.
26:31
Dora: Um, you know, your loved ones, your friends or family that are trying to shame you.
26:37
Dora: It's like, no, they just don't get it.
26:39
Dora: It's like you just decide, move on.
26:42
Dora: Um and moving on to the next one is the fear of disappointing others.
26:48
Dora: This was a huge one, especially at a very young age.
26:51
Dora: I never wanted to disappoint my dad.
26:53
Dora: My mom, like, eh, whatever.
26:55
Dora: But my dad specifically, for some reason, like this daughter wound of mine I have with my dad, that I always feel like I'm gonna disappoint him.
27:05
Dora: Um, that I'm never gonna live up to that Garcia.
27:08
Dora: You know, my last maiden name is Garcia, it's not Parsides, newsbreaker.
27:13
Dora: Um, but growing up as a Garcia, like you needed to be a certain like standard to my dad.
27:20
Dora: And that was one of the biggest things that growing up, I didn't want to like the Frau Barro, right?
27:26
Dora: To disappoint him.
27:27
Dora: And that was huge when I became pregnant at 16.
27:30
Dora: Like all his dreams, all his hopes that he had for me kind of like went down the drain, right?
27:35
Dora: I wasn't gonna get married in a white dress anymore.
27:37
Dora: Like all those things that he wanted in his fairy tale of a life, um, I was not gonna do as a daughter, according to him anyway.
27:43
Dora: I did do do them, but very out of order.
27:47
Dora: Um, and then that chronic self-doubt.
27:50
Dora: Oh my goodness, this one is so hard to break free from, even for me right now.
27:55
Dora: Like, you doubt yourself and you sit in this, like, should I not should I do it?
28:01
Dora: Should I not?
28:01
Dora: Should I do it?
28:02
Dora: Should I not?
28:02
Dora: Like, this podcast would have been out like what, seven years ago, if I didn't have all this self-doubt for so many years, and it came out in June of 2025.
28:12
Dora: Um and it's been, you know, and thank you for listening for those of you that are OGs, um, because the self-doubt of like, am I onto something?
28:21
Dora: Like, who's gonna care about what I gotta say, right?
28:24
Dora: But no, it's like when I want to do something, and I am stubborn and I'll do it if I set my mind to it, but I have to have that self-confidence in myself first.
28:36
Dora: But I have to go through these motions of self-doubt, of like there's I feel like there's my dad's like um voice inside my head saying, Nope, you're not gonna do it, Mika.
28:48
Dora: Like, oh, are you sure?
28:49
Dora: Are you sure?
28:50
Dora: Are you super sure?
28:51
Dora: And that's where it's like, oh my gosh, like I have to keep biting it.
28:54
Dora: But it's all my internal battles.
28:56
Dora: So you may intellectually know you're capable, but emotionally feel like you're too much or you're not enough.
29:04
Dora: And that's not your personality, that's conditioning.
29:07
Dora: So I invite your I might invite you to reflect on this with a question where do I still hear that their voice when I make decisions?
29:17
Dora: And that's where just settle in with that and see what comes up.
29:20
Dora: And again, you can pause this recording and really take a deep breath and just settle in and see what comes up.
29:29
Dora: What is what is your body, what is your mind, what is your emotions coming up and try to tell you.
29:40
Dora: Now, let's get into how to handle shaming comments.
29:45
Dora: So I want you to number one, pause and regulate yourself first.
29:51
Dora: So your nervous system decides the response.
29:54
Dora: So I want you to place a hand on your chest, slow the breath.
30:00
Dora: And I usually like to do the four counts, like breathe in for four through your nose, hold it for four up at the top, and then release for four.
30:08
Dora: And we could do that now.
30:10
Dora: So breathe in, hold it at the top, and release to your mouth.
30:23
Dora: And you could you can close your eyes, or you could do that, you can go to the bathroom and do that for yourself because that causes your nervous system to slow down.
30:34
Dora: And do not respond from activation.
30:37
Dora: And again, come from it from a place of love and compassion.
30:42
Dora: And if you're not coming from that place, there's probably something gonna explode.
30:46
Dora: You're gonna be a firecracker.
30:47
Dora: So hold yourself back.
30:49
Dora: The other one you could do is go into the bathroom, wash your hands with cold water, and that way you regulate your system, you go back to neutral and try to think about it a little differently, right?
31:02
Dora: If you get activated.
31:06
Dora: So that's some of the tools that you can do.
31:10
Dora: Um, when someone says a comment or makes a makes an indirect or something comment, something like that, or you know, does something to trigger you.
31:21
Dora: Um, that's definitely what you what what you should do is pause and just make sure you're back to neutral.
31:27
Dora: And it might take you a bit, it might take you a few breaths here and and just go through those motions and have patience with yourself.
31:35
Dora: Number two, name the impact.
31:37
Dora: So if it feels safe, um, that's where I want you to go through and identify what is going on.
31:45
Dora: So some examples might be, I know you mean well, but that hurt, right?
31:50
Dora: If you want to go ahead and have that conversation and that confrontation, because it is confrontation with the individual.
31:58
Dora: You might also say things like, that comment felt shaming, or I'm open to support, not criticism.
32:04
Dora: And again, this has to feel safe and you have to feel like you're in your power.
32:10
Dora: Um, and you're coming from a place of love and compassion.
32:14
Dora: Okay, so there's a lot of things to remember here and address it.
32:17
Dora: And then the big thing though is you're non-verbal, right?
32:21
Dora: You can't be all like, ooh, like, you know, about to go like take a jab at someone.
32:27
Dora: You want to be calm, you know, you want to come from this place of calm, cool, and collected.
32:34
Dora: And saying things and confronting the person, even though it is it is tough and it's intimidating at times, it kind of shuts that person down.
32:42
Dora: Like you make a stance, you state that for yourself, you step into your power.
32:48
Dora: So this is not disrespect, it's emotional honesty.
32:52
Dora: So, number three is you set an internal boundary with yourself.
32:57
Dora: So this is where you've communicated that out to them, or you at least addressed it, um, and you put your foot down in a way.
33:05
Dora: But this one is where not every boundary is spoken.
33:09
Dora: Sometimes it's saying, I don't take advice from people who haven't healed themselves on this.
33:16
Dora: And you don't have to share that with anybody, but it's more of like, what are your norms?
33:21
Dora: What are your rules for yourself?
33:22
Dora: What are your boundaries, your limits that you will not tolerate with others?
33:27
Dora: And you need to honor them for yourself.
33:30
Dora: You're building your own value, morals.
33:34
Dora: I mean, yes, we are uh like collectively, we have those things, right?
33:38
Dora: From family and culture and things, but what are things that call to you?
33:43
Dora: What are things that are gonna honor you moving forward?
33:48
Dora: Are you not gonna tolerate people talking to you a certain tone?
33:52
Dora: Is it your Tia kind of gossiping about you that you want to call her out and just say, I don't appreciate comments like that?
34:00
Dora: Or having this insinuation of things?
34:03
Dora: Like, call the source, right?
34:05
Dora: Don't be divulging my stuff, kind of thing.
34:08
Dora: Um, and number four is you release the need for validation.
34:12
Dora: So this one hurts, but it frees you.
34:16
Dora: So some people cannot meet you emotionally because they just never met themselves.
34:20
Dora: So, how are you gonna blame someone for not knowing how to love, how to emotionally regulate themselves?
34:26
Dora: Your healing does not require their approval.
34:29
Dora: Okay, and that's one of the biggest things for me personally that I had to heal, especially with my dad.
34:34
Dora: Again, he's no longer here to like speak up for himself, but there's a lot of things that we live with, this this mentality, our reality, our perspective.
34:46
Dora: And we feel like we need like that approval from others, but we really don't.
34:52
Dora: And once you realize that, you free yourself from so many things that are that were probably living in your head, but they were constructed over time because of how people treated you.
35:06
Dora: But it's up to you from this point forward to stop that from happening.
35:12
Dora: Okay, so you have that power to step into that.
35:18
Dora: So when you have any hard interactions, I want you and invite you to do these things.
35:24
Dora: Journal.
35:25
Dora: So get everything on the paper, what you're going through, write it down, what you're feeling, what came up, what was said, and get it out.
35:33
Dora: Just move it out of your body and your mind.
35:35
Dora: Journal.
35:36
Dora: Number two is ground.
35:38
Dora: Okay, ground yourself.
35:41
Dora: Walk barefoot.
35:42
Dora: If you can walk outside, touch a tree, touch a plant, smell the flowers, ground yourself.
35:48
Dora: And there's various tools to do that.
35:51
Dora: The third thing you can do is cry.
35:53
Dora: Like if you're if you feel like to cry, just cry it out, have a good, ugly cry because that is so liberating.
35:59
Dora: It's like the floodgates, it's the body releasing, okay?
36:03
Dora: It's like sweating when we're exercising.
36:06
Dora: You're crying, okay?
36:07
Dora: So cry it out, go through the emotion of cry.
36:11
Dora: Number four, move the body, okay?
36:13
Dora: So then that's where you get your sweaty self on.
36:15
Dora: Um, that's where exercise, walk.
36:19
Dora: Um, and you could also like put on a song and dance to it, you know.
36:25
Dora: I love to do Zumba back in the day, you know, sway those hips.
36:29
Dora: Um, or you could put on a song that like the yega, you know, like the one that runs deep where it's like, ooh, and just cry it out and sing it if you if you feel called to.
36:41
Dora: And the fifth thing here is speak kindly to yourself.
36:45
Dora: Okay.
36:45
Dora: So I really want you to notice how you talk to yourself.
36:49
Dora: Don't beat yourself up, okay?
36:51
Dora: Try not to, or catch yourself, become aware when you do, because you want to treat yourself like you would treat your, you know, like your niece, nephew, your child of seven, eight years.
37:02
Dora: You know, they're sometimes very sensitive individuals.
37:06
Dora: You want to talk to yourself in a loving and compassionate way.
37:11
Dora: So say things like, I believe in you, I believe you, your feelings make sense.
37:16
Dora: Like honor them.
37:18
Dora: Whatever comes up, honor those feelings.
37:20
Dora: You are not wrong for needing more, you're right at the right place at the right time.
37:25
Dora: Like you're going through these things and you're unpacking these layers that are coming through.
37:30
Dora: So that's how shame loses its grip.
37:33
Dora: It's where you call these actions, you step into your power and you start dismantling those things that are underneath the surface.
37:58
Dora: They didn't know how to stop.
38:00
Dora: If this episode opens something, if you're sitting with emotion right now, I want you to know support exists.
38:08
Dora: I'm holding space through my one-on-one clarity sessions for women untangling shame, grief, and generational patterns.
38:18
Dora: Links are in the show notes below.
38:20
Dora: And remember, you were never too sensitive.
38:24
Dora: You were perspective in a world that didn't teach emotional safety.
38:29
Dora: So embrace your raises, reclaim your essential.
38:32
Dora: I'll see you next time.
38:34
Dora: Bye.