Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / If You Want A Man To Take Care Of You Don't Offer To Split The Check On The First Date

Transcript

If You Want A Man To Take Care Of You Don't Offer To Split The Check On The First Date · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi guys, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we are going to be talking about this
• 0:11
  terrible thing that I heard is happening where women are paying
• 0:15
  on first dates. This is terrible, but before I
• 0:19
  get into why, this is so terrible, please be sure to
• 0:23
  subscribe because you don't want to miss my upcoming podcast on
• 0:28
  oral sex on women, the Counterpoint to the podcast
• 0:32
  episode that I just did. That has is growing.
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  As popular as I predicted on blowjobs the all popular topic
• 0:41
  that everybody wants to hear about.
• 0:43
  Actually it got taken off of Facebook, I put my screenshot of
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  my, you know, Spotify podcast like I usually do and it was,
• 0:50
  you know, whatever the title is how to give a blow job and they
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  took it off. Could you believe it?
• 0:55
  And it was educational too but anyhow you will have to
• 0:59
  subscribe to get the content like you know, the oral sex one
• 1:03
  and then all of the other ones I think I'm up to 20 now.
• 1:06
  So back to the topic at hand. So I have a beautiful blond fit
• 1:15
  girl friend, who told me that she thought that in you, she's
• 1:20
  divorced and she thinks that women have to pay on dates and
• 1:24
  unsurprisingly. She's been meeting a whole bunch
• 1:27
  of guys where it's not really working out, and she doesn't
• 1:31
  really like those guys that she ends up splitting the bill With
• 1:36
  Y. So before you think that I'm
• 1:39
  some, I mean, you'd have to be like pretty stupid to think I'm
• 1:42
  some sort of leech or whatever I am and have discussed being the
• 1:45
  primary Breadwinner. I divorced, I do not receive
• 1:49
  alimony. I make money for myself, totally
• 1:53
  cool with earning more money than my spouse.
• 1:58
  And then anybody really, I'm, you know, I'm totally fine with
• 2:03
  that. I think that's great.
• 2:05
  If Women out earn boyfriends or spouses, or, like, whatever.
• 2:09
  What I do not think is good for the average woman.
• 2:13
  Now, the average woman wants to be taken care of, if this isn't
• 2:18
  you, and you don't want to be taken care of cool.
• 2:22
  So, shut off the podcast, you just saved yourself some time.
• 2:25
  Go get yourself a coffee or do something else fun with this 15
• 2:28
  minutes that you had allotted to listening to this podcast.
• 2:31
  But for the average woman and four, men may listeners that are
• 2:35
  trying to To understand average women, all they say in couples
• 2:39
  counseling and individual counseling.
• 2:41
  If they want to meet men who will take care of them, then
• 2:44
  they really are upset. When they end up married to or
• 2:49
  dating men that do not prioritize them, don't take care
• 2:52
  of them, don't look out for them, don't protect them.
• 2:55
  And I've written the post, and I have podcasts about why women
• 3:00
  want to be taken care of, and how to get men to take care of
• 3:03
  you and then never take care. Of meat.
• 3:05
  This is a big thing. So, aside from the couple people
• 3:10
  that just stop listening and got themselves, a cup of coffee, the
• 3:13
  rest of, you know, what I'm talking about.
• 3:15
  Because also, if you're a man, then you probably have heard
• 3:18
  this from your wife, you don't protect me to look out for me,
• 3:21
  don't take care of you don't make my life easier, blah, blah,
• 3:24
  blah, blah, right. So and I'm not saying, blah,
• 3:28
  blood to dismiss it, everybody wants that I want that too, you
• 3:31
  know, every woman besides those few want to be taken care of,
• 3:35
  From what I see in my private practice.
• 3:39
  So, and my life because I'm talking to you, it's about a
• 3:42
  girlfriend that she has the same feelings.
• 3:46
  You know, every woman wants to be taken care of prioritize and
• 3:49
  treated well, looked out for. So this does not, I have really
• 3:54
  never heard anybody say in couples counseling.
• 3:59
  What I really want is to split everything.
• 4:01
  Exactly down the middle and that and we do Everything exactly
• 4:06
  50/50 and I he I pursue him half as much as he pursues.
• 4:11
  Well, yeah, they would want to be to pursue the man half as
• 4:14
  much as he pursued her. But that wasn't what I was
• 4:16
  trying to say no. Woman says, I want to do half
• 4:19
  the pursuing and he does half the pursuing.
• 4:22
  I do have the sexual initiation, he does half of it.
• 4:25
  I do have protecting him and he does have protecting me.
• 4:28
  I don't hear anybody, say any of this.
• 4:30
  So people always saying how at the very beginning of Dating.
• 4:35
  How could you possibly know that this guy is not going to turn
• 4:40
  out to be somebody who you get along with later on?
• 4:43
  He seems so great. Here's a clue, he doesn't even
• 4:48
  pay for the first date. He asked you out he invited you
• 4:52
  out. I would not invite somebody to
• 4:54
  my house for dinner and then ask them to pay me some money for
• 4:59
  their part of dinner, you know, they are inviting you out and
• 5:04
  unless you know in To think that my friends here or other women.
• 5:08
  By the way, there's other female clients who told me this that
• 5:10
  they end up paying or in retrospect, they split a lot of
• 5:17
  dates. And then turns out that the guy
• 5:20
  that they ended up with that was doing all this splitting was
• 5:23
  disappointing in some other regard usually, having to do
• 5:26
  with, not taking care of them etcetera.
• 5:29
  Anyway, so, my friends here, she's not asking these guys out.
• 5:32
  She made clear to me, they're asking her out there asking.
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  Her out and then you know she's very smart person but also she
• 5:40
  does something stupid at the end.
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  Admittedly she admitted she offers when they when the check
• 5:46
  comes she takes out her credit card offers to pay and it's
• 5:52
  interesting because I did never done this.
• 5:56
  I don't think ever unless I knew that I didn't want to end up
• 5:59
  with the guy at all didn't want to go home with him.
• 6:01
  Didn't want to kiss him? Nothing.
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  And this was rare. Because I didn't do a lot of
• 6:07
  dinner dates. It was mostly drinks and drink
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  if you really want to make it clear.
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  You don't like somebody. Yes you pay for your own drinks.
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  But if you like somebody and these are situations where she
• 6:18
  was liking, these people do not offer to pay.
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  You have been invited out. Don't you want to see a few
• 6:26
  things? Here's all the things that you
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  can tell you could tell does this person really.
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  Is he so excited to be with me? Does he think this is like A
• 6:35
  value-add it, he invited me out. Does he have like is this
• 6:41
  meaningful and valuable to him enough for him to pay for the
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  whole set of two drinks or a dinner or whatever?
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  It is. Does he like me that much?
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  So when you offer, you don't even get to see that they would
• 6:55
  like you that much also. Can you afford it?
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  I mean for real if you're going out and you're with somebody who
• 7:01
  cannot afford or is anxious by The dinner or drinks situation
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  is this is something to know you're losing valuable
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  information there. Most women would like to be with
• 7:13
  a man who could afford dinner, you know, with that, especially
• 7:16
  on a first date. I'm talking about first date
• 7:18
  here, right? Also if you offer again, to pay
• 7:23
  your kind of saying that like you, I mean, I don't know how to
• 7:29
  put it. She called it being a people
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  pleaser. I put it like you, you're not
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  Not comfortable receiving, you know, you're not comfortable
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  receiving. So what you're probably going to
• 7:41
  do is you are going to try to take care of this man.
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  Emotionally physically, in every, which way that you
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  setting a precedent, I am made anxious and uncomfortable by the
• 7:53
  idea of you being put out or inconvenience in anyway, I am
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  scared of anything being awkward.
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  I'm scared of you thinking, I'm some sort of a user, I'm scared
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  of so many things regarding to Regarding your emotions and your
• 8:08
  behaviors and what you may think of me.
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  So therefore, I am going to rush in and offer to pay.
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  So all of these things whenever you do this, and remember this
• 8:22
  guy invited you out in a situation where you invite the
• 8:25
  guy out you pay like I mean again this does not happen as
• 8:29
  much because for all everybody says people are so equal men ask
• 8:33
  women out on the majority of date but If you ask anybody out
• 8:36
  pay, you know, but in a situation where the guy is
• 8:39
  inviting you out and then you rush to pay for it, I think that
• 8:43
  you're not allowing yourself to see valuable information.
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  The first piece of which is is he going to take care of you.
• 8:49
  Now, I don't care if this is PC or not, my goal is not to be PC,
• 8:53
  it's not to be popular, it's to be helpful.
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  So for the women that are back on the market dating after a
• 9:00
  divorce if you offer to pay I feel like it sends a signal.
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  That is so important to you to be equal that you don't get to
• 9:09
  see if the man would make the gesture to make this night, easy
• 9:15
  romantic. And, you know, just honestly,
• 9:19
  honestly, those things easy and romantic for you, you know, and
• 9:22
  to really show you that you are worth in a very obvious sense,
• 9:27
  his time and his money for this, this dinner, which is not super
• 9:32
  expensive, one dinner ever. And also So, of course, again,
• 9:36
  and this is real, you do want to make sure that somebody can pay
• 9:39
  for dinner. That shows that they have a job
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  that they are stable that they can pay for dinner.
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  If they cannot pay for a dinner. If they get the bill and they
• 9:48
  look at it and they're like, oh shit, then this shows so many
• 9:51
  things. I mean, first of all, I mean,
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  pay I mean of a person. Jesus Christ.
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  They're sitting there. They can't pay or something.
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  Certainly pay be a mensch but it shows you.
• 10:00
  This person has no ability to plan, right?
• 10:02
  Because he invited you to this dinner.
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  And if he looks at the bill, With a face of being sad or
• 10:08
  anxious either. He's a liar and that's never any
• 10:12
  good to be involved with or he's not a good planner neither thing
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  is good for a woman whose goal again is to be protected and
• 10:20
  cared for anatomy protected and cared for like you sit at home
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  and he you know, brings you grapes while you sit on the
• 10:28
  couch like no not at all nor do I even mean that you should not
• 10:33
  split subsequent thing? Things, especially once you're
• 10:36
  in a relationship. And of course, as I made clear
• 10:40
  to say the beginning, you could out Earnest man.
• 10:42
  Like, and if you do great, and then in the marriage, you know,
• 10:47
  he will benefit from that in the long term if he sees the long
• 10:51
  game there and you're a high earner.
• 10:53
  But, you know, do not think that just because you either out on a
• 10:57
  man, or because he doesn't, because he seems awkward when
• 11:04
  the check comes. This or because you really want
• 11:07
  him to like you and think that you're like a great gal or
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  whatever, the hell don't pay on the first date because honestly,
• 11:15
  it sets it off on a non romantic foot.
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  It's a very we are, you know, kind of just friends, equal sort
• 11:22
  of thing. And again, keep in mind that I'm
• 11:24
  41 years old, the majority of my listeners are in their 30s plus.
• 11:29
  So if it is so different in gen Z, cool, but you made if it's
• 11:34
  even different. Aunt, in Millennials, I'm the
• 11:36
  first year of Millennials, but I'm talking to my people and
• 11:39
  these are the ones who are back on the market when they have
• 11:43
  divorced and they are looking for a guy, a stand-up guy who
• 11:46
  really values them who looks at them, like they're a princess
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  and who they really. As a, you know, you used to get
• 11:57
  advice as a woman to marry a man who's a little more in love with
• 12:00
  you than you are with him. And I don't know if that's true
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  or not, but I do know that most women Really want a guy who's
• 12:06
  really really into them especially after divorce, you
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  know, especially when it's the second time around you really
• 12:14
  want a man that makes you feel very special and like a princess
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  and I don't think you should act like a princess in a bad way.
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  Obviously you here, all of my, I mean, should the podcast right
• 12:26
  before this was on how to give a blow job?
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  So I obviously do not think that a woman should just take and
• 12:32
  take and take and never give not at all.
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  I think a woman should It'd be very kind, respectful, Etc, but
• 12:39
  let the first date be something, where you get taken care of, you
• 12:44
  know what? Let the next date be like that,
• 12:45
  too. I mean, many, it's it's
• 12:49
  difficult to explain how different it is when everything
• 12:53
  is set in this Frame of being equal versus, when you feel like
• 12:57
  a guy is just really into you. It's a lot more erotic for most
• 13:01
  women when it isn't a frame of Everything down the middle at
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  least in my generation. I don't maybe a really is
• 13:11
  totally different for younger people, but again, that's not to
• 13:15
  whom. I am really addressing this who
• 13:17
  I'm really talking to is women who have and, you know, who you
• 13:21
  are self-esteem issues. Deriving from an upbringing,
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  where your needs were, pretty much ignored.
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  And you were told not to take up too much space, and you're a
• 13:31
  people pleaser frequently children of self-absorbed.
• 13:35
  Parents who learn to especially oldest daughters.
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  I have I'll link you to my article on people-pleasing
• 13:41
  Daughters of covertly narcissistic mothers.
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  These women are trained not to take up too much space not to
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  ask for too much and always too kind of apologetically.
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  Make sure everybody else is okay and apologize for your own
• 13:56
  existence and this goes right along with making sure that the
• 14:00
  guy doesn't feel in any way any bad thing.
• 14:03
  No, you know, supposed to be worried.
• 14:05
  His damn Fields is a first date. You're supposed to be seeing if
• 14:09
  you click with him, if he's exciting to you, if you want
• 14:13
  have sex with him, if you want to have a relationship with him,
• 14:16
  if he is a fun funny smart, personable handsome, whatever
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  the hell you're into person. And that he really prioritize
• 14:27
  has and seems super into you. Does he seem super in love with
• 14:32
  you? Not in love with you in the
• 14:34
  first date? But like, he could be Be in love
• 14:35
  with you. And now murdered is the word,
• 14:37
  I'm saying, if a guy is not really enamored with you plus,
• 14:42
  let's Let It Go without saying that men in the same age group
• 14:45
  that I'm talking about usually understand what it means when
• 14:49
  the woman rushes to pay. And that means that they she
• 14:53
  does not feel a romantic connection.
• 14:54
  Usually, at least, this is how it was on these men's first
• 14:58
  go-round dating back when they were in their 20s, if they are
• 15:01
  now post-divorce. So if they're like super You are
• 15:06
  going to want to pick up the bill because it on you, then
• 15:08
  it's a date, it's a real date versus when you rush to take out
• 15:12
  your credit card as I would do if I was an into somebody to be
• 15:16
  like no no it's not a date because I don't like you so
• 15:19
  definitely nothing's gonna happen.
• 15:20
  This was just friends right? You know obviously it was a date
• 15:24
  but you kind of want to make sure that the message is sent to
• 15:26
  be clear. So if this resonates with you
• 15:30
  and you are a woman who struggles with kind of taking up
• 15:34
  too much space, Asking for her needs to be met.
• 15:37
  And you also are somebody that rushes to go dutch and to split,
• 15:41
  or whatever we say. Now, then, think about how it
• 15:45
  might be. And oh, it goes without saying
• 15:48
  that as I said at first, you also end up with men who don't
• 15:53
  take care of you. So what I'm seeing is the
• 15:56
  precedent for them, not taking care of, you may have been set
• 16:00
  early on and you didn't know and you couldn't see the sign of the
• 16:04
  man. We collided the bill or ask you
• 16:07
  to split it or whatever or maybe he actually did do that and you
• 16:09
  went along with it or you offered to quick to see that he
• 16:13
  would have done this. So you have one good kind of
• 16:16
  filtration device. Does this guy want to take care
• 16:19
  of me? Even in this small tiny
• 16:22
  infinitesimal, way of, you know, spending money on the entire
• 16:27
  date versus half of it, that could be a sign that he can then
• 16:32
  later. We'll prioritize you and take
• 16:34
  care of you and Other ways, if he doesn't frequently women tell
• 16:38
  me that, that guy does not end up being the one that really
• 16:43
  looks out for them cares for them and puts them kind of on a
• 16:47
  pedestal like what they want. And I again, I do not mean on a
• 16:51
  pedestal like and then the woman should look down on the man and
• 16:53
  treat him bad but rather that women want to be cared for and
• 17:00
  taken care of in this way and you don't really get to see if
• 17:04
  that'll happen. If Kind of compulsively, make
• 17:07
  sure things are even Steven right at the beginning.
• 17:10
  So again, none of my topics are terribly PC.
• 17:14
  I'm sure that this one isn't either but think about it and if
• 17:18
  it really applies to you and now if you are a man listening to
• 17:21
  this and you want to tell me how terrible this is think about it
• 17:27
  and think if you would rather be with you know, if you want to be
• 17:31
  with a woman where everything is even Steven Only split down the
• 17:36
  middle it is usually not going to go like what you think that's
• 17:40
  usually going to be in the realm of learning and childcare.
• 17:45
  You still going to be initiating all the sex and you're probably
• 17:48
  going to be initiating more of it.
• 17:50
  The less into you she is and from what I see the women that
• 17:55
  are uncomfortable with receiving, you know, have as I
• 18:02
  said, kind of issues that they got to work on.
• 18:04
  So Try not to get somebody of any gender that's uncomfortable
• 18:08
  with receiving and societal Norms are a thing.
• 18:13
  So a woman that's uncomfortable. Getting the first date paid for
• 18:17
  is going to be very similar to a man who's uncomfortable,
• 18:20
  receiving sex affection or anything else people that are
• 18:24
  uncomfortable. Receiving have usually been
• 18:27
  trained in childhood that they shouldn't ever get too much.
• 18:30
  And that other's needs and feelings.
• 18:33
  Always take precedence over there.
• 18:35
  So either right. Hopefully you thought this was
• 18:38
  interesting and gave you some stuff to think about in a
• 18:42
  different way, which is always my goal and I will talk to
• 18:47
  everybody soon, remember to subscribe, so that you can get
• 18:50
  more of me expounding on random stuff and I will talk to
• 18:54
  everybody soon. Bye bye.