Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 98. Plant Medicine, Sexual Embodiment & The Parts of Us We Buried: Our Ayahuasca Journey….

Transcript

98. Plant Medicine, Sexual Embodiment & The Parts of Us We Buried: Our Ayahuasca Journey…. · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apodjay Production. Welcome to the she Riseres Podcast.
0:12
Speaker 2: I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female
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Speaker 2: empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and
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Speaker 2: most authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 3: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
0:23
Speaker 3: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 3: else is too afraid to talk about.
0:28
Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:30
Speaker 3: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Risers. Back with Ashy
0:33
Speaker 3: and Tiana and we have a bit of a wild episode.
0:36
Speaker 2: Oh my god, get your popcorn. Sit down.
0:39
Speaker 3: A little while ago, Tiana and I took a little
0:41
Speaker 3: trip and we went away and we did ayahuascar dun
0:45
Speaker 3: dun du, dun dun du.
0:47
Speaker 1: If you don't know.
0:47
Speaker 3: What ayahuasca is, it is a plant based medicine psychedelicas.
0:52
Speaker 1: A lot of people would.
0:52
Speaker 3: Explain it was used for healing, for expansion, cracking open,
0:58
Speaker 3: just getting your ego out of the way and getting
1:00
Speaker 3: to know the deeper parts of yourself. You never know
1:03
Speaker 3: what's going to come forward and surf. A lot of
1:06
Speaker 3: people think that it's really dark and scary, and it
1:08
Speaker 3: can be, and it can also be our experience was
1:11
Speaker 3: really light and beautiful and enjoyable and pleasura rule. So
1:15
Speaker 3: we're going to talk about our experience that we had
1:18
Speaker 3: we are which was so cool.
1:20
Speaker 2: The way that they explained it to us when we
1:21
Speaker 2: first went and sat down was this is going to
1:24
Speaker 2: open your heart and drop your ego. Yes, and I
1:26
Speaker 2: thought that was a really cool thing to note. And
1:29
Speaker 2: with this plant medicine, it's very psychoactive. There's a psychoactive
1:32
Speaker 2: element where you do have visuals and you you know,
1:36
Speaker 2: have a mental trip. So you're in the room that
1:39
Speaker 2: you're in when you're surrounded by other people, you're not
1:41
Speaker 2: allowed to touch each other, you know, a lot of
1:43
Speaker 2: corked with each other, interact. You're just fully in your
1:45
Speaker 2: own journey. Like we had eyemasks and blankets and pillows
1:49
Speaker 2: and we really had to like go within in that journey.
1:52
Speaker 1: So and it actually, so I Steve explained it too.
1:55
Speaker 3: We actually have this DMT activation in our brain already,
1:59
Speaker 3: so it's completely natural. It's not altered or anything like.
2:01
Speaker 3: It's actually like a plant. So yeah, let's get into it.
2:05
Speaker 3: We decided to do this a little while ago. We
2:08
Speaker 3: were hesitaned with her to talk about it. On the
2:10
Speaker 3: podcast and they were like, fuck, it was such an
2:11
Speaker 3: amazing experience. We got so much out of it. Now,
2:14
Speaker 3: this is the second time that I have done it.
2:16
Speaker 3: Steve's n up multiple times. Every experience is so different. Now,
2:20
Speaker 3: you were quite scared going into it, and a walk
2:22
Speaker 3: us through your thought process, and you had actually booked
2:25
Speaker 3: it in another time, didn't feel ready, Yeah, and then yeah,
2:27
Speaker 3: tell us walk us through your experience.
2:29
Speaker 2: Absolutely, so maybe we can share little bits of our
2:31
Speaker 2: experience and go yeah deftly. So I've wanted to do
2:35
Speaker 2: Ayahuascar for a good four years now, and every single
2:38
Speaker 2: time there's probably about three separate times where I had
2:41
Speaker 2: gone to book it and I had left a deposit,
2:43
Speaker 2: I was even going to fly to a specific location,
2:46
Speaker 2: and like, there was multiple things that I was going
2:48
Speaker 2: to do and I tried and it failed every time.
2:50
Speaker 2: But what I realized now that I've now done it
2:53
Speaker 2: for the first time is that I just wasn't ready
2:55
Speaker 2: and so everything kind of fell through the way that
2:57
Speaker 2: it was meant to. And so leading up to this time,
3:00
Speaker 2: we had actually planned to do it another time, so
3:03
Speaker 2: sometime last year and it just fell through. For whatever reason,
3:07
Speaker 2: I ended up pulling out last minute, and I just
3:09
Speaker 2: wasn't ready now this time coming into it, And when
3:12
Speaker 2: we had planned to go, I felt really grounded coming
3:15
Speaker 2: into it. Yeah, Like for some reason, it just felt
3:18
Speaker 2: like the right time. So when we started talking about it,
3:20
Speaker 2: we were like should we do this? And then we
3:22
Speaker 2: were like, yeah, We're doing this. This is it, this
3:23
Speaker 2: is the time. And I remember feeling really grounded going
3:27
Speaker 2: into it, but I also did still feel fearful. Yes,
3:30
Speaker 2: like I was still scared because for me, it's very
3:33
Speaker 2: much that letting go of control. And I obviously don't
3:36
Speaker 2: drink and don't do drugs, and there's a reason why
3:38
Speaker 2: I do that is because one I don't like being
3:40
Speaker 2: out of control and two it's not for me anymore.
3:41
Speaker 2: But this was a deeper purpose. There was more intention,
3:45
Speaker 2: and it was about, yeah, going into this with the
3:48
Speaker 2: intention of like, Okay, I'm here to look at any
3:51
Speaker 2: blind spot that I have in my life that I
3:53
Speaker 2: am missing or not paying attention to, or really being
3:56
Speaker 2: able to discover where it is that I'm currently limiting
3:58
Speaker 2: myself in my life. And I had an inkling of
4:01
Speaker 2: what was going to come up for me and the
4:02
Speaker 2: things that I had gone into thinking of in this
4:06
Speaker 2: experience was to some degree, I was going to heal
4:08
Speaker 2: some sexual trauma. Then something about not fully feeling chosen
4:13
Speaker 2: in my relationships and why that happens, and how I
4:16
Speaker 2: can reconnect with myself, and then just curiosity as well,
4:21
Speaker 2: like curiosity of what might come up.
4:23
Speaker 3: And then for me, I've done it once before and
4:25
Speaker 3: I had a very similar experience in feeling around it.
4:27
Speaker 3: I didn't want to surrender to it because once again,
4:30
Speaker 3: I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and I'm like
4:31
Speaker 3: being out of control. So I was very fearful of that.
4:35
Speaker 3: And the first time I did it, I definitely had
4:38
Speaker 3: an experience and things came up and I learned things,
4:40
Speaker 3: but I would pull myself out of it and I
4:43
Speaker 3: would take my eyemusk off and I'd be nosy what
4:45
Speaker 3: was happening with other people, and I really drop and
4:47
Speaker 3: surrender and get the full experience. So this time going in,
4:50
Speaker 3: I was like, I am fully going in. I am
4:53
Speaker 3: not going to resist this, I'm not scared like I
4:56
Speaker 3: was nervous for what might come up. There's obviously potential
4:59
Speaker 3: that you could vomit and purge, and the other end
5:02
Speaker 3: as well, you feel sick the actual medicine tastes disgusting.
5:05
Speaker 2: Oh.
5:07
Speaker 3: I describe it as mud mixed with Chinese herbs and
5:10
Speaker 3: with a bit of licorice too.
5:12
Speaker 2: And she's very on the money with that.
5:13
Speaker 3: It's awful and it's thick and sluggish, like I have
5:16
Speaker 3: a body like shake when I drink it.
5:19
Speaker 1: But yeah, this time I was like, I'm fully going
5:21
Speaker 1: to surrender.
5:21
Speaker 3: I felt ready as well, Like when the dates came up,
5:23
Speaker 3: we were like, yep, that's just the date we're going
5:25
Speaker 3: to do it. Locked it in came around and it
5:27
Speaker 3: was a beautiful experience. I wanted to go in not
5:31
Speaker 3: with a full intention, more just like open to whatever
5:34
Speaker 3: my mother Ayahuascar thinks I need. She's going to provide
5:37
Speaker 3: for me, and I'm going to trust that and go
5:38
Speaker 3: with that and flow with that, and I'm excited to
5:41
Speaker 3: see what comes up for me. So yeah, what came
5:43
Speaker 3: up for me in the first most of the day
5:46
Speaker 3: was a lot of really empowering sexual energy. And I
5:51
Speaker 3: didn't think this would come through, which I don't know
5:53
Speaker 3: why I didn't think it would come through like Steve
5:54
Speaker 3: thought it might, because I feel, I mean feeling myself
5:58
Speaker 3: on this path of rediscovering who I really am at
6:01
Speaker 3: my core the last season and a lot of change
6:05
Speaker 3: just happened, and I felt like my whole life, I've
6:08
Speaker 3: put myself in a box of being like quote unquote,
6:10
Speaker 3: the good girl and not slutty, not dirty. People will
6:14
Speaker 3: respect me and love me more if I don't have
6:16
Speaker 3: a big count and I don't sleep around.
6:18
Speaker 1: And I'm just seen as the good girl.
6:20
Speaker 3: Yeah, And what I've learned this last year especially, I suppose,
6:25
Speaker 3: is that putting myself in a box like that really
6:29
Speaker 3: prevents me from fully expressing who I am authentically sexually
6:34
Speaker 3: in my day to day, everyday life. And a big
6:37
Speaker 3: word for me this year, one of my words was pleasure.
6:39
Speaker 3: But then here I am putting myself in a box
6:41
Speaker 3: of what I can and can't do, and who I
6:43
Speaker 3: can and can't be, and what I can and can't speak.
6:45
Speaker 1: Of or feel or experience.
6:48
Speaker 3: So I've already been leaning more into that and just
6:51
Speaker 3: having bigger conversations with Steve, and our sexual chemistry at
6:54
Speaker 3: the moment is beautiful and we're exploring things together and
6:57
Speaker 3: having bigger conversations. And I was already on that path,
7:01
Speaker 3: and then with ayahuasca that fully came through and It
7:04
Speaker 3: was so beautiful because I felt like I finally cracked
7:08
Speaker 3: open and let go of that old story that I
7:11
Speaker 3: need to be a certain way and I can just
7:13
Speaker 3: fully be whatever that is and I get to explore
7:16
Speaker 3: that without shame or guilt. I was really in it,
7:20
Speaker 3: And just to give you a visual, which Steve can
7:23
Speaker 3: explain very well, because you're all lying in this room
7:26
Speaker 3: and most people have iyemars on blankets, cushions. There's about
7:29
Speaker 3: twelve of us in the room. There's a facilitator, he
7:32
Speaker 3: has three people supporting. There's music all day. You don't
7:35
Speaker 3: interact with anyone, and I could feel myself just starting
7:39
Speaker 3: to move my body and then starting to take some bigger,
7:42
Speaker 3: heavier breaths. And I don't know, I must have been
7:45
Speaker 3: a course over a couple of hours. I'm assuming the
7:47
Speaker 3: breath's got heavier, my movements got bigger. I took my
7:50
Speaker 3: jacket off, I was starting to play with my straps
7:53
Speaker 3: of my sports bruh. My breasts were getting heavier, and
7:56
Speaker 3: I was just really enjoying it. The way I can
7:58
Speaker 3: describe is every breath felt like the peak of when
8:02
Speaker 3: I was about to climax. Yeah, it felt like I
8:05
Speaker 3: was almost like mirroring an orgasm. So as you can imagine,
8:08
Speaker 3: this felt beautiful and freeing and pleasurable, and I wanted
8:12
Speaker 3: more of it. And every breath my body moves in
8:14
Speaker 3: a different way, and I was having beautiful visuals and
8:17
Speaker 3: like fantasies were coming to life, and I could see things,
8:20
Speaker 3: and Steve's obviousie right next to me too, so I
8:22
Speaker 3: could feel his energy, and I was replaying scenarios that
8:25
Speaker 3: me and him have played out together and different sexual
8:27
Speaker 3: experiences we've had together, and it was.
8:29
Speaker 1: Just it was a lot of fun.
8:31
Speaker 3: But then one of the facilitators came over and said,
8:34
Speaker 3: how do you feel about going into a room by yourself?
8:36
Speaker 3: So I'm assuming that my breaths were getting louder and
8:40
Speaker 3: my movements were getting bigger. And afterwards they did communicate
8:43
Speaker 3: with me that they did pull me away, one to
8:45
Speaker 3: give me a full experience by myself. If I was
8:47
Speaker 3: going to go there, I could do it freely without.
8:50
Speaker 1: Disturbing other people.
8:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, And two just in case there was someone in
8:54
Speaker 3: the room that might have felt uncomfortable with that. But however,
8:59
Speaker 3: upon reflection being pulled out of that state, it pulled
9:02
Speaker 3: me out of my state, so when I went into
9:05
Speaker 3: this room, I tried to go back into it, but
9:07
Speaker 3: I was already out of it. And then we're having
9:10
Speaker 3: someone right next to me in the room. I was like,
9:11
Speaker 3: this just feels a bit awkward. Yeah, And so that
9:14
Speaker 3: kind of passed for me, and I've just given feedback
9:18
Speaker 3: to the facilitator because he was worried that it ruined
9:20
Speaker 3: my experience.
9:20
Speaker 1: And on the day I was like, no, no, like,
9:22
Speaker 1: I can see why you did that.
9:23
Speaker 2: Da da da.
9:24
Speaker 3: And then I was talking to Taylor, my coach, and
9:26
Speaker 3: he's also done it, and he kind of disagreed. He's like,
9:28
Speaker 3: I don't think they should have pulled you out of that,
9:30
Speaker 3: because if someone's crying or screaming or having their own experience,
9:33
Speaker 3: they don't pull them out.
9:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true.
9:35
Speaker 3: That's their experience, and that's you're in a group environment.
9:39
Speaker 3: Everyone's going to have their own experience. This isn't Asaulo like,
9:41
Speaker 3: you're not there by yourself. It's kind of like your
9:44
Speaker 3: responsibility is to go internal and stay internal and not
9:48
Speaker 3: get distracted by what's going on.
9:50
Speaker 1: Truly internal, you're.
9:51
Speaker 3: Not and I felt that on the day. But for
9:54
Speaker 3: them to pull me away for having some louder breaths.
9:58
Speaker 3: I'm a little bit upset about. I'm like, damn it,
9:59
Speaker 3: I feel like I didn't get the full experience as
10:02
Speaker 3: to what that could have been for me.
10:04
Speaker 2: Because it was like that was your experience for a reason,
10:06
Speaker 2: and that comings it and you experiencing that.
10:08
Speaker 1: So you feel like I've been robbout that now.
10:10
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I do still feel way more anchored in
10:14
Speaker 3: my sexuality and way more excited for the future of
10:17
Speaker 3: what I can feel, and even just the power of breath,
10:20
Speaker 3: Like how good breathing felt, and it really made me
10:25
Speaker 3: want to slow down my everyday movements and also when
10:28
Speaker 3: I'm intimate with Steve as well, just to slow down.
10:31
Speaker 3: And I enjoy the whole experience with Steve, but even
10:34
Speaker 3: more so, I feel like the more that you breathe,
10:37
Speaker 3: the slower you are, the more central it is, the
10:40
Speaker 3: more you feel, the more build up.
10:42
Speaker 1: It's just way better.
10:44
Speaker 3: So I definitely took a lot away from it that
10:45
Speaker 3: I'm super grateful for and I feel a lot more
10:47
Speaker 3: anchored in it, and I feel like any sexual shame
10:49
Speaker 3: that I did have, it's just dissolved way.
10:52
Speaker 1: I love that, Like, why the hell would I feel shame?
10:55
Speaker 3: Around pleasure, and we were talking about like the way
10:57
Speaker 3: up here, like these conversations I don't know I having
10:59
Speaker 3: around sex and sexuality and exploring and curiosity. We're like
11:03
Speaker 3: everyone has these and everyone wants to do this stuff.
11:07
Speaker 1: Why is it so to boom?
11:08
Speaker 2: But no one's talking about it. It's like, whow we
11:10
Speaker 2: all have this dirty little secret that no one talks
11:13
Speaker 2: about and pretends that we don't do. But like we
11:15
Speaker 2: of course all have sexual experiences, fantasies, we all orgasm,
11:19
Speaker 2: we all want a climax, we all experience pleasure in
11:22
Speaker 2: our own way, and it's like no one is talking
11:24
Speaker 2: about it.
11:24
Speaker 3: But why, Yeah, I would love to know where along
11:27
Speaker 3: the way it became shameful.
11:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, it became to boo. It became don't talk.
11:31
Speaker 3: About that in public, Like that's private. And for sure,
11:34
Speaker 3: there's some things that like I will always keep private
11:36
Speaker 3: and you will too, and other people fully respect that.
11:39
Speaker 3: But I feel like it's gone so far the other
11:41
Speaker 3: way that it should be celebrated.
11:43
Speaker 1: More, yeah, and not shamed.
11:44
Speaker 3: Even that situation, I'm like, why is crying over trauma
11:48
Speaker 3: okay in that scenario, but pleasure.
11:50
Speaker 1: And breath is not.
11:52
Speaker 3: Yeah, he didn't say it was wrong, but pulling me
11:54
Speaker 3: out of that situation, that shows, like thing, it shows
11:58
Speaker 3: that it's not as acceptable.
11:59
Speaker 2: That's right.
11:59
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, yeah.
12:01
Speaker 3: In society it's not acceptable to dress sexually, to be
12:04
Speaker 3: sexually express talk about sex. We get pushed back all
12:08
Speaker 3: the time, and people when we when we talk about sex,
12:11
Speaker 3: it's like all the time, like, give it's some of
12:12
Speaker 3: our reviews.
12:13
Speaker 1: All you talk about is doing this and doing that.
12:15
Speaker 3: I'm like, well, if you actually listen, it's not yeah
12:17
Speaker 3: one episode a month, yeah if that.
12:19
Speaker 1: But it's shamed upon.
12:21
Speaker 3: It brings up their own sexual shame has been put
12:25
Speaker 3: onto them from societal pressures, their parents, the stories they've
12:28
Speaker 3: made in their head, the box they've put them in.
12:30
Speaker 3: And I have compassion for them because I have been
12:32
Speaker 3: that too. I'm thirty six years old. It's only taken
12:34
Speaker 3: me like the last twelve months, and I'm like, oh,
12:36
Speaker 3: maybe it doesn't have to be like that. Yeah, maybe
12:38
Speaker 3: I can explore that, Maybe I can talk about that.
12:41
Speaker 3: Maybe I can open myself up here, Maybe I can
12:43
Speaker 3: do that differently. And it's so fun and it gets
12:46
Speaker 3: to beat but it's your choice, and it takes bravery
12:49
Speaker 3: encourage to actually lean into that. Yeah, So that was
12:51
Speaker 3: my first part of the day, and then the second
12:54
Speaker 3: part I only had two cups. My second part was
12:59
Speaker 3: more around Taj and Tala and the connection I feel
13:02
Speaker 3: with both kids and how they're very different, and because
13:05
Speaker 3: it's such a big age gap, I just feel like
13:08
Speaker 3: I'm feeling different towards both. And I had a bit
13:10
Speaker 3: of sadness and guilt come up towards how I feel
13:13
Speaker 3: it's easier to connect with one of my kids compared
13:16
Speaker 3: to the other. And then I also came up with
13:19
Speaker 3: an epic plan of like what I can do to
13:21
Speaker 3: bring more connection in for the one that I'm finding
13:23
Speaker 3: it more difficult.
13:24
Speaker 1: And then there's also.
13:25
Speaker 3: Compassion for we're all experiencing this life together, and you know, yeah,
13:29
Speaker 3: different ages, they require different things and want different things
13:32
Speaker 3: from you, and they're going to trigger different parts of
13:34
Speaker 3: you that you need to look in within and heal
13:36
Speaker 3: and there are your biggest teachers, and yeah, just lots
13:39
Speaker 3: around parenting and my kids.
13:40
Speaker 1: And stuff, which was really really cool.
13:42
Speaker 3: And then I finished the day with going out in
13:44
Speaker 3: the balcony and I grabbed your journal because I didn't
13:46
Speaker 3: bring your journal and just write out this big gratitude
13:48
Speaker 3: list and just different things I want to like revisit later,
13:51
Speaker 3: but overall, like it was an amazing experience and I'm
13:54
Speaker 3: super grateful for it and I can't wait to do
13:56
Speaker 3: it again one day.
13:57
Speaker 2: It was so cool, honestly, even just to like witness
13:59
Speaker 2: you in like your sexual liberation, because there was one
14:01
Speaker 2: time where I like pulled my eyemask off and like
14:03
Speaker 2: peeped at, like what you're doing so I could hear,
14:05
Speaker 2: and just like watching you in your sexual libration, just
14:09
Speaker 2: like move your body and flow so freely. I was like,
14:11
Speaker 2: that's so beautiful see women so fully expressed in that,
14:14
Speaker 2: because it's like what you were saying, it's not something
14:16
Speaker 2: one that we see very often.
14:18
Speaker 1: You never see that, no.
14:19
Speaker 2: And also it's like frowned upon, you know. So to
14:23
Speaker 2: have a container that we could be in where that
14:25
Speaker 2: was just allowed and accepted and allowed you to connect
14:28
Speaker 2: with yourself deeper, I was like absolutely, like go and
14:31
Speaker 2: get it. That's cool.
14:33
Speaker 3: I always use makes an example because she's definitely been
14:35
Speaker 3: a leader for me in this department, even like me
14:37
Speaker 3: sure our dance teacher. I remember I first saw her
14:40
Speaker 3: dance on social media. I was like, so triggered like,
14:42
Speaker 3: oh my god, why is she putting that online? Yeah,
14:44
Speaker 3: isn't that private boyfriend? Or Like I had all these
14:47
Speaker 3: thoughts and judgments and stuff, and now when I see
14:50
Speaker 3: women get online and post a sexy video or post
14:53
Speaker 3: something where they're touching themselves or just being sexual in
14:57
Speaker 3: their energy, I'm like, Yes, more of this because one,
15:02
Speaker 3: it's so inspiring to see a woman like that to
15:05
Speaker 3: lead the way. Yeah, show women that it's okay to
15:07
Speaker 3: feel like this, it's okay to do this, it's okay
15:09
Speaker 3: to practice.
15:10
Speaker 1: This, implement this. We need more women leading the way.
15:13
Speaker 3: And that I felt like, oh, I would like to
15:16
Speaker 3: lead more in this, but I can't fully lead in
15:19
Speaker 3: that until I'm fully embodied. Yeah, that's integrated in me. Yeah,
15:24
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm really on that path right now,
15:26
Speaker 3: which really excites me. And yeah, I've got some plans
15:29
Speaker 3: for it. We've got some plans.
15:31
Speaker 1: So yeah, it's really exciting.
15:32
Speaker 2: It is so exciting, and.
15:33
Speaker 3: It's such a beautiful energy to being I feel so
15:35
Speaker 3: alive being sexually embodied. Yeah, it makes me feel alive.
15:39
Speaker 3: It does really life like your life force. It is
15:42
Speaker 3: your life force and in your relationship, like it just
15:44
Speaker 3: I can't even explain to you what it's done for Steven.
15:46
Speaker 2: I kin't even imagine. And you know, it's interesting. I
15:48
Speaker 2: feel like there are a lot of women who at
15:50
Speaker 2: the moment are really struggling intellectualizing things, being more in
15:53
Speaker 2: their masculine Like there's a huge conversation around that on
15:56
Speaker 2: social media and in real life, and the thing that
15:59
Speaker 2: women aren't connecting with is their sensual energy. Like that's
16:02
Speaker 2: the missing key and component to this really feminine, sensual,
16:07
Speaker 2: embodied energy that everyone is looking for and craving, but
16:11
Speaker 2: then no one's willing to explore it. And that's the thing, Like,
16:14
Speaker 2: it does take a lot of courage to be able
16:16
Speaker 2: to explore those edges because it's uncomfortable, and for the
16:19
Speaker 2: most part, at least in both of our experiences, we
16:21
Speaker 2: both have shame surrounding our sexual energy. So of course
16:25
Speaker 2: there's going to be something that we all shy away
16:27
Speaker 2: from or get super triggered by when we see other
16:30
Speaker 2: people doing it, because we're like, wow, well now that
16:32
Speaker 2: shows me where I'm not integrated in that exactly. Of
16:35
Speaker 2: course I'm going to have to look at that, but
16:36
Speaker 2: I don't want to, so let me project my judgment
16:38
Speaker 2: onto you.
16:38
Speaker 3: Instead exactly and just remember, We'll say it over and
16:41
Speaker 3: over again. A trigger is highlighting something within you that
16:44
Speaker 3: needs to be looked at, and you can deny it
16:46
Speaker 3: to the cows.
16:47
Speaker 1: Come home. It is the truth.
16:48
Speaker 2: It's showing you where you are not healed.
16:50
Speaker 3: It really is so even us having these conversations. If
16:53
Speaker 3: you've listened before and you've been triggered by something we've said,
16:55
Speaker 3: like look at that that, it's not us pointing the
16:58
Speaker 3: finger at you. We don't know who you are. There's
17:00
Speaker 3: hundreds of thousands of you that listen to us. We
17:02
Speaker 3: don't know anything about you in your life. We're not
17:03
Speaker 3: pointing the finger at you. It is something within you
17:06
Speaker 3: that's already there. We're just being your mirror to reflect.
17:09
Speaker 1: What is there. Yeah, trying to light all you.
17:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, oherence, Oh good, I love it. It's so cool
17:15
Speaker 2: talking about this. My experience in the beginning, when I
17:19
Speaker 2: first took the sip of Ayahuascar, I immediately just needed
17:24
Speaker 2: to go within. Obviously, we weren't allowed to say anything
17:26
Speaker 2: to each other. Ash and I were, you know, next
17:28
Speaker 2: to each other, and then Steve was on the other
17:30
Speaker 2: side of Ashy and we had our blankets and our
17:33
Speaker 2: pillows and we all lied down and I put my
17:34
Speaker 2: eyemask on straight away because I was like, Okay, I
17:37
Speaker 2: need to breathe and I want to talk myself through
17:40
Speaker 2: surrendering into this experience, because going into this, I really
17:44
Speaker 2: worried that I would have a lot of resistance of
17:46
Speaker 2: like letting go and surrendering because I sometimes can be
17:49
Speaker 2: a bit of a control freak. So I was like, oh, okay,
17:52
Speaker 2: this is my moment to really go within. I started
17:56
Speaker 2: to just breathe and connect with my body, and then
17:59
Speaker 2: all of a sudden, it just kind of started to
18:00
Speaker 2: hit me. I feel like, I don't know if I
18:02
Speaker 2: had a good sense of time then, but it probably
18:04
Speaker 2: felt about fifty in twenty minutes, I think, so yeah.
18:08
Speaker 2: Then it started to like kick in and I was
18:10
Speaker 2: just so still. I felt like a mummy, Like my
18:12
Speaker 2: hands were on my tummy, like on my skin, and
18:15
Speaker 2: I just started to go within, and I remember when
18:17
Speaker 2: my mind first started to like open up. If any
18:20
Speaker 2: of you have seen the Cat in the Hat, it's
18:22
Speaker 2: like when they open the house when the cat and
18:24
Speaker 2: the hat, you know, ruins their house. It's like this
18:27
Speaker 2: big instead of looking like a normal living room. It
18:30
Speaker 2: goes into this multi dimensional room and like all of
18:33
Speaker 2: the walls are soft and like they move and like
18:36
Speaker 2: everything's pink, and yeah, my mind looked like that, and
18:40
Speaker 2: I remember just saying to myself, thank you so much,
18:42
Speaker 2: like thank you so much for opening and like allowing
18:45
Speaker 2: me to like look inside on a deeper level. And
18:47
Speaker 2: I just remember feeling this like overwhelming feeling of gratitude
18:51
Speaker 2: and feeling like a little kid. It was all pink
18:53
Speaker 2: and pretty and like, you know, it was just wild
18:55
Speaker 2: to see, and I just remember feeling so grateful because
18:58
Speaker 2: I was like, Wow, I've always wanted to look quotations
19:00
Speaker 2: inside my mind and I get to be here, and
19:02
Speaker 2: the first kind of things that were coming up for
19:04
Speaker 2: me that really stood out to me was I had
19:07
Speaker 2: this vision that kind of came up and it was
19:09
Speaker 2: my face, but I started to get like pain in
19:12
Speaker 2: my jaw and it was like I was trying to
19:15
Speaker 2: force my mouth open and it started to shake a
19:17
Speaker 2: little bit. And the vision that came up was that
19:19
Speaker 2: my mouth was being sown shut like with like string.
19:23
Speaker 2: Like it was the weirdest thing. It look straight out
19:25
Speaker 2: of a horror movie, but it wasn't scary. It was
19:27
Speaker 2: just like an image, and I was like, Okay, what
19:29
Speaker 2: does that mean? And the more that I looked at it,
19:31
Speaker 2: and the more that I tried to like pry my
19:33
Speaker 2: mouth open physically in real life, I realized that I
19:38
Speaker 2: silenced myself. And over the years, I have silenced myself
19:42
Speaker 2: in my needs and my wants and my desires and
19:45
Speaker 2: speaking up for myself and really being able to like
19:49
Speaker 2: rock the boat, like being strong in myself. And so
19:52
Speaker 2: that visual was almost like a representation of all of
19:55
Speaker 2: the times that I personally silenced myself and blamed other
19:58
Speaker 2: people for it. And I was like, oh, but it
20:00
Speaker 2: was the environment, or it was the relationship, or it
20:03
Speaker 2: was because they made me feel uncomfortable. When the vision
20:06
Speaker 2: showed me like this is something I can control, it
20:09
Speaker 2: was like me pulling the string out of my mouth
20:13
Speaker 2: and actually being able to verbally voice. And it really
20:17
Speaker 2: showed up for me, especially in relationships. So something that
20:20
Speaker 2: it kept coming back to me was I am the
20:23
Speaker 2: chosen one. I am the chosen one. I am the
20:25
Speaker 2: chosen one. And the interesting thing about that is I've
20:28
Speaker 2: always felt like I've wanted to be chosen by a man,
20:31
Speaker 2: Like I've always wanted the man to come and save
20:34
Speaker 2: me in the fairy tale and the night and shining
20:36
Speaker 2: armor to come someone who is the chosen One, who
20:39
Speaker 2: will then come and choose me. But it was almost
20:42
Speaker 2: like this realization of like, no, you were it, and
20:45
Speaker 2: that was really beautiful. It's like this, oh my God,
20:49
Speaker 2: this huge realization, like I get to love myself and
20:53
Speaker 2: I'm everything that I'm looking for that I keep seeking
20:55
Speaker 2: in other people. So my first part of the journey
20:59
Speaker 2: was about that, about my voice and being chosen. And
21:05
Speaker 2: I had this feeling while I was in this experience
21:08
Speaker 2: about feeling like the chosen one, where I had like
21:10
Speaker 2: my left hand on top of my right hand. But
21:13
Speaker 2: it was the weirdest thing because it felt like somebody
21:15
Speaker 2: else's hand, and I don't know how to explain it.
21:17
Speaker 2: It felt like somebody else's hand. Didn't feel like my hand,
21:20
Speaker 2: but it felt like a masculine hand. And I remember thinking,
21:23
Speaker 2: like wow, in my life right now. And what I'm
21:26
Speaker 2: not saying is that I've got to heal my relationship
21:28
Speaker 2: with my internal masculine so that I can then stop
21:31
Speaker 2: looking for safety in other men and be like no,
21:34
Speaker 2: like in my finances, in my business, in my structure
21:37
Speaker 2: in my consistency. If I can heal my relationship with that,
21:41
Speaker 2: then my relationship with the masculine when it comes in
21:43
Speaker 2: is going to be really beautiful because it's not going
21:46
Speaker 2: to come from a wounded place. And I thought that
21:48
Speaker 2: was really cool.
21:49
Speaker 1: That's so cool.
21:50
Speaker 2: That was my first half. And then I came and
21:52
Speaker 2: I got another cup of yahuascar, so I wanted to
21:55
Speaker 2: go back into the trip. And then I had a
21:57
Speaker 2: similar experience to you. So I had a very sensual experience. Yeah,
22:02
Speaker 2: it was so interesting. I resisted it for a little while.
22:05
Speaker 2: There were probably three or four times where I could
22:07
Speaker 2: feel myself holding myself back. It was like I could
22:11
Speaker 2: feel the tension in my upper traps and my back.
22:14
Speaker 2: It's like my hips wanted to move, but my upper
22:16
Speaker 2: body was still. And I kept thinking, like, what are
22:20
Speaker 2: people on the outside going to think of what they
22:22
Speaker 2: see when I have my eyes closed and I'm moving
22:24
Speaker 2: my body. So it was all about like the perception
22:27
Speaker 2: of how other people judge me in everyday life. And
22:29
Speaker 2: then something happened and I just started to like relax
22:33
Speaker 2: my shoulders and started to go with the flow of
22:35
Speaker 2: what my body wanted to do. And I started to
22:37
Speaker 2: move my body and then like before I knew it,
22:41
Speaker 2: I was like on my knees and like with my
22:43
Speaker 2: head up, my shoulders arched and like my chest out, yeah,
22:47
Speaker 2: you know. And I just remember thinking this like very
22:50
Speaker 2: feline energy, this fierce catlike energy came over me where
22:55
Speaker 2: it was like, oh my gosh, I need to I
22:57
Speaker 2: don't know how to explain it. It's hard to put
22:59
Speaker 2: words to it. But it was very fierce goddess kind
23:02
Speaker 2: of energy of like, oh my god, no, I need
23:05
Speaker 2: to How did I explain it to you? It was
23:07
Speaker 2: like a phoenix who was out of an age. Yeah,
23:10
Speaker 2: like a phoenix coming out of an egg. That was
23:11
Speaker 2: like being bird or a little bird or something like that,
23:13
Speaker 2: and like pushing the shell off its shoulders and to
23:16
Speaker 2: expand a fly, yeah, and having wings and like being
23:19
Speaker 2: able to really expand like my chest and like stand
23:22
Speaker 2: tall almost. And then all of a sudden, it was
23:25
Speaker 2: essential sexual energy where I was like making sounds and
23:28
Speaker 2: I was breathing really heavy, and my whole body was
23:31
Speaker 2: moving and I just obviously I had my arm mask on,
23:34
Speaker 2: and as she told me after, she looked over me
23:37
Speaker 2: and she was like, that was hot. That was soofu yeaheah,
23:40
Speaker 2: And so yeah, it was really cool because when I
23:42
Speaker 2: was in it, it really felt like me allowing myself
23:46
Speaker 2: permission to experience pleasure to the full extent that I can.
23:50
Speaker 1: On your face, you were definitely like really, I was
23:52
Speaker 1: really into it.
23:53
Speaker 2: I was very sexual. It was very yeah, like I
23:56
Speaker 2: was giving pleasure to myself almost. I wasn't like touching myself,
23:59
Speaker 2: like playing with my felf your body, but my body, yes,
24:02
Speaker 2: But I wasn't like self pleasure.
24:03
Speaker 3: No.
24:04
Speaker 2: And for me, what I've struggled with in the past
24:07
Speaker 2: is not allowing myself to fully experience pleasure. So there
24:11
Speaker 2: have been times, even with myself and also with past partners,
24:14
Speaker 2: where I would get to the point of climax and
24:17
Speaker 2: I would feel it for a split second, but then
24:18
Speaker 2: I would almost stop myself. It was almost as if
24:21
Speaker 2: it was like too intense. And that was the story
24:24
Speaker 2: that I told myself. But when I went into this
24:26
Speaker 2: experience with ayahuasca, I realized it was because I still
24:29
Speaker 2: carried a lot of sexual shame and almost didn't feel
24:33
Speaker 2: worthy of it, and so I would stop myself whenever
24:36
Speaker 2: it would start to feel really intense. And I think
24:39
Speaker 2: maybe because I related sexual pleasure with like being unsafe,
24:44
Speaker 2: like my nervous system couldn't hold it, and so this
24:46
Speaker 2: experience for me felt like safety. It felt like connecting
24:50
Speaker 2: with myself, teaching myself, talking myself through it, being like, hey,
24:53
Speaker 2: it's okay, You're allowed to experience this, and you're allowed
24:56
Speaker 2: to experience pleasure to its fullest extent. So it felt
24:59
Speaker 2: super orgasmic, but it wasn't like I was having an orgasm,
25:03
Speaker 2: but every movement and every I felt super orgasmic, which
25:06
Speaker 2: is really beautiful, and like what you said, actually, like
25:09
Speaker 2: since then, I feel that part of me that wants
25:11
Speaker 2: to stop before I do reach that climax like doesn't
25:14
Speaker 2: exist anymore. It's like the sexual shame that I was
25:17
Speaker 2: still holding onto for dear life is like released its
25:21
Speaker 2: group over me, which is nice, and I can just
25:23
Speaker 2: beautiful be and I just have this like weird innate
25:26
Speaker 2: feeling of like no pleasure is something that we all
25:29
Speaker 2: should experience, get to experience, are allowed to experience, and
25:33
Speaker 2: it's a really beautiful process. And I don't think I've
25:36
Speaker 2: ever really had a relationship with pleasure like what I
25:38
Speaker 2: do right now. Because of this experience with ayahuasca, that's
25:41
Speaker 2: so cool. Yeah, and it just it feels super liberating,
25:46
Speaker 2: like as a woman, like I feel like I've stepped
25:49
Speaker 2: into a new level of my womanhood from doing this experience.
25:52
Speaker 2: And I could have never imagined that was what was
25:54
Speaker 2: going to happen. I thought I was going to be
25:56
Speaker 2: in tears, like vomiting. I thought I was going to
25:59
Speaker 2: be purging the whole day. I didn't purge once. And
26:02
Speaker 2: it was very spiritual and beautiful and acting to yourself
26:07
Speaker 2: so connecting. And another point that was really beautiful for
26:10
Speaker 2: me was obviously not allowed to touch each other. But
26:12
Speaker 2: there was one point where as she was lying down
26:15
Speaker 2: and my toes were at her feet and my head
26:17
Speaker 2: were at her feet right, so we were opposite, we
26:20
Speaker 2: were opposites, and then we were kind of looking at
26:21
Speaker 2: each other. We pulled our masks up and we were
26:23
Speaker 2: staring at each other and we just like were both crying,
26:25
Speaker 2: like and just I remember looking at you just being
26:28
Speaker 2: like I've got you, like I love you, I've got you,
26:30
Speaker 2: and it just felt like everything that we are doing
26:32
Speaker 2: and she rises, it was like this clarity of like
26:34
Speaker 2: this is the purpose, Like our bond and friendship leads
26:38
Speaker 2: the way in the entity that is she rises and
26:42
Speaker 2: where we're going to take it moving forward. And it
26:44
Speaker 2: just felt like this really beautiful clarity, grounded safe feeling
26:50
Speaker 2: of like, oh my god, our friendship is literally the
26:53
Speaker 2: catalyst for what we're going to create for other.
26:55
Speaker 3: Women, and everything that has happened like it led us
26:57
Speaker 3: to this moment. And like even our hands when they
27:00
Speaker 3: got connected, would like squeeze at the same time, or
27:03
Speaker 3: like our thumbs would move at the same time, and
27:06
Speaker 3: then like I'd put mine onto her put hers on
27:08
Speaker 3: the top of mine, and yeah, it was just I
27:10
Speaker 3: felt like we were feeling the same thing. Yeah, And
27:13
Speaker 3: then afterward when we were talking about it, we're like,
27:14
Speaker 3: literally like everything is born from our love of our friendship,
27:17
Speaker 3: our safety, and this is why we want to bring
27:20
Speaker 3: women together to experience this because it's within us. It's yeah,
27:23
Speaker 3: we want to show every woman that they too.
27:25
Speaker 1: Can have this. It was so so beautiful.
27:28
Speaker 2: It was really so beautiful. It was like this, like.
27:30
Speaker 3: We've got each other, which we both have an abandonment
27:32
Speaker 3: wound in friendship, in relationships, in life. Yeah, and in
27:36
Speaker 3: that moment, it was like, oh no, that's not there. Yeah,
27:39
Speaker 3: like it doesn't exist there's no abandonment, there's no fear,
27:42
Speaker 3: there's nothing.
27:43
Speaker 1: There's just a.
27:44
Speaker 3: Solid foundation of trust, of connection, of safety. Like it's
27:48
Speaker 3: just feels so safe. Yeah, which is really beautiful because
27:51
Speaker 3: I can't say I've had that a lot.
27:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, to experience that in Ayahuascar was like the bond
27:56
Speaker 2: was like binded. It was like crazy to experience. And
27:59
Speaker 2: you know, you'd reach out for me, we'd have like
28:01
Speaker 2: one hand holding and then you'd grab the other hand
28:03
Speaker 2: and they had to come and separate us because you're
28:05
Speaker 2: not allowed to do that. Three times they came over
28:08
Speaker 2: and told us to stop looking at each other, to
28:09
Speaker 2: stop holding each other's hands, and I'm like, wait, in
28:11
Speaker 2: the same trip together, leave us alone, understand.
28:13
Speaker 1: I'm like, you don't get it, bond.
28:14
Speaker 2: You don't get it. And then even the guy at
28:16
Speaker 2: the end, one of them, he was like, oh, I'm sorry.
28:18
Speaker 2: I had to keep telling you guys to let go
28:20
Speaker 2: of each other. And I was like, explain to him
28:22
Speaker 2: what had come up in that? And what do they say?
28:24
Speaker 2: They say, you're not supposed to plug. You can plug
28:26
Speaker 2: into somebody else's energy. I'm like, yeah, because we're meant
28:28
Speaker 2: to Yeah, like get out of here. So true. I
28:33
Speaker 2: don't know. I think it's such an important thing to
28:35
Speaker 2: be curious on where you limit yourself in your life
28:38
Speaker 2: and just be willing to do it, be okay with
28:41
Speaker 2: what comes up, because it's what holds us back. Isn't
28:44
Speaker 2: like a prison. It's not bad, it's not wrong for
28:46
Speaker 2: being there, but it's just something that we are meant
28:48
Speaker 2: to learn and overcome in this life. And something like ayahuasca,
28:51
Speaker 2: it doesn't do the work for you, it just shows
28:53
Speaker 2: you truth. Yes, And I thought that was really really
28:56
Speaker 2: cool to point out because if you do want to
28:58
Speaker 2: go on this journey, or maybe or not you just
28:59
Speaker 2: want to listen to us talk about it, or maybe
29:01
Speaker 2: you feel super resistant to it, you can do this
29:03
Speaker 2: in your everyday life when you just simply observe yourself
29:07
Speaker 2: your life and get curious about questions where your limitations lie,
29:11
Speaker 2: where are your triggers, Where do you feel resistance in
29:14
Speaker 2: your life? Where do you feel like, oh, I don't
29:17
Speaker 2: want to look at that, that's too ugly, or where
29:18
Speaker 2: do you completely judge something? All of those things in
29:22
Speaker 2: your life are actually showing you where you are limiting
29:25
Speaker 2: yourself and where you live within a confince of your
29:28
Speaker 2: comfort zone of a box of self imposed limitations and
29:33
Speaker 2: beliefs that you've imposed on yourself or maybe society has.
29:37
Speaker 2: And I think this experience gets to be one of
29:40
Speaker 2: those things where it's pushing beyond that.
29:43
Speaker 1: It does push beyond that.
29:44
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love what you just said there too, and yes,
29:46
Speaker 3: you can do it in your everyday life, but it
29:48
Speaker 3: takes a very brave conscious person to be able to
29:53
Speaker 3: see all your blind spots, be aware of them, and
29:56
Speaker 3: not distract and push them to the side. You do
29:59
Speaker 3: that very easily because life's busy, you've got kids as
30:02
Speaker 3: more important thing's happening.
30:03
Speaker 1: You reject them, you're in denial of them.
30:06
Speaker 3: They're too uncomfortable, they don't feel safe, you don't know
30:08
Speaker 3: what to do with them. So that's why most people
30:10
Speaker 3: don't go there. The ego gets in the way, whereas
30:12
Speaker 3: an highuask or it's like you have no control of
30:15
Speaker 3: what's coming up. Your ego is fuck it, it's gone,
30:18
Speaker 3: it's gone, it's out, left at the door, left at
30:20
Speaker 3: the door, and whatever comes up is there, and you
30:23
Speaker 3: have to face it and you have to see it.
30:25
Speaker 3: And you know, for a lot of people in there,
30:26
Speaker 3: it can be really traumatic. The things come up from
30:28
Speaker 3: their pasts that have happened, but it's so beautiful that
30:31
Speaker 3: you get to meet yourself there and see what is
30:33
Speaker 3: there to be healed and see what can come from that.
30:36
Speaker 3: And it's also like post Ayehuascar, there's a lot of
30:38
Speaker 3: like integration and just being really conscious of what you're
30:40
Speaker 3: taking in and looking after your body and reflecting on it.
30:44
Speaker 1: And I feel like the journey kind of continues on.
30:47
Speaker 3: Does I remember the first time the facilitator said that
30:50
Speaker 3: it can be so easy just to go back to
30:51
Speaker 3: your normal everyday life, like whatever's come up for you,
30:53
Speaker 3: like keep exploring it, keep journaling it, keeps sitting in it.
30:56
Speaker 3: And each day since I WASK, I've been really taking
30:59
Speaker 3: those big breasts just to remind my body that doesn't
31:01
Speaker 3: have to just be at Ayahuasca. I can experience that
31:04
Speaker 3: level of pleasure and that level of calm and safety
31:08
Speaker 3: and connection to my heart and to my body every day.
31:11
Speaker 3: But if I be busy and distract and just like
31:13
Speaker 3: go about my life like a robot, like society has
31:16
Speaker 3: kind of trained us to be, Yeah, I miss out
31:18
Speaker 3: and all that it bypasses me and a year, two years,
31:21
Speaker 3: five years down the track, I'm like, oh fuck, what
31:23
Speaker 3: have I done? Yeah, So every day, like bringing you
31:25
Speaker 3: back to that slow is what my intention moving forward. Yeah,
31:29
Speaker 3: miss out An, you have that pleasure.
31:30
Speaker 2: I've seen you do that every day since I ask it.
31:32
Speaker 2: Actually beautiful.
31:33
Speaker 3: It was like the sunrise and I was like, so beautiful.
31:37
Speaker 3: It's like take all of that in and I feel
31:39
Speaker 3: that breath run down your body. And if I had
31:41
Speaker 3: someone say this like a couple of years ago, I'd
31:43
Speaker 3: be rolling my eyes.
31:44
Speaker 1: That's so rude. Yeah, but it's true.
31:45
Speaker 3: And the breath is accessible to you at any point
31:47
Speaker 3: of the day, when you're overwhelmed, when you're disconnected, when
31:50
Speaker 3: you're disregulated, when you're upset, whenhit's happening, you can always
31:54
Speaker 3: go back to that breath. And I promise you it
31:56
Speaker 3: will bring you back to your home, back to your heart,
31:58
Speaker 3: back to your center. So you can be so clear
32:01
Speaker 3: on who you want to be, what you want to
32:02
Speaker 3: do moving forward.
32:04
Speaker 2: Yeah.
32:05
Speaker 1: So cool.
32:06
Speaker 3: Now, last time I spoke about this in the podcast,
32:08
Speaker 3: I got an influx the message.
32:10
Speaker 1: Where did you go? What did you do?
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Speaker 3: All I'm gonna say is a quick search on Google
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Speaker 3: and you'll see all different places around the world that
32:15
Speaker 3: facilitate retreats and ceremonies and different people that run all
32:20
Speaker 3: of this. So I feel like it's a really personal
32:22
Speaker 3: journey and you also want to find someone that you
32:24
Speaker 3: feel pulled to.
32:24
Speaker 4: Absolutely, the location, the facilitator, ilitators, the environment, you can
32:30
Speaker 4: do one day, two day, five day, seven day retreats,
32:32
Speaker 4: there's so many different options, so I honestly just think,
32:35
Speaker 4: jump online and just spend some time researching.
32:38
Speaker 2: Your intuition will tell you whether you're ready or not. Yes,
32:40
Speaker 2: because there again, there were many times where I thought, oh, yeah,
32:43
Speaker 2: I'm ready to do this, but it was my ego.
32:44
Speaker 2: It was like, oh yeah, I want to do this
32:46
Speaker 2: because I think that's what I should do next. But
32:48
Speaker 2: it wasn't that I was actually ready. And you'll know
32:50
Speaker 2: because you'll feel super grounded. I think this time for
32:53
Speaker 2: us both we came into this going this is the time.
32:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, if that sparks some interest, and definitely go and
32:58
Speaker 1: look into it. Guys, we'll be on the next one.
33:00
Speaker 1: Bye bye bye