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The Cost of Over-Giving (and Why Women Feel It the Most) · The Boujee Multipreneur

• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Bougie Multipreneur.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Dr.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Hilary Huschauer.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to talk a little bit about a book I've been reading.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's called Too Much to Give.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it's brought about because I was reading something about how many people, especially women, leaders, like moms, caregivers, and service-based professionals, we end up burnt out from giving too much of ourselves.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And this hit home to me.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought I would start with this a little preview, if you will, but I'd like to go in deeper once I learn more strategies.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: I have to admit, I'm not the best at this, but I wanted to just put it out there because as I'm reading this, I'm like, did they write this book about my life?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: How did she know about me?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is crazy.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I know that there's probably a lot of other people that feel this way.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, hey, let's talk a little bit about it.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I'll do at least another episode or two trying to go in a little bit deeper as I learn more.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna do some more research too.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I will put the book title um in the notes for this, in case you're interested and want to read it yourself too.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: But we I just want to talk about like the emotional part of our lives and people pleasing and the expectations that maybe were set upon us or we set ourselves, and how being everything to everyone slowly drains our health and relationships, and then really it's just our joy.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've ever felt guilty for resting or saying no to something or choosing yourself, then this episode is for you.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: So women aren't burnt out because they're weak, they're burnt out because they're strong for too long with no support and no boundaries.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: When I read that, I thought, boundaries?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: What what do you mean?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like I feel like I have boundaries.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: As I've been looking into this, I realize the not understanding boundaries is in fact a problem.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I laugh out loud to this stuff because again, as I read this, I think, did she write this book about my life?
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: But hopefully you will get some info with this short podcast.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: But so women carry like the emotional load at home, right?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, most of us.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you run a business or have a career kind of like I do, you're doing that also simultaneously.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: You are caring maybe for your patients, your clients, teams, your kids, your parents, maybe, and you might feel guilty if you're resting or you take a day off or you lay around and you maybe feel resentful, but you don't really know why.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if this can tie into your role, that does mine as a chiropractor, business coach, uh, a mom, a wife, I do see this daily, and it's really like bringing it more to light lately for some reason.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: But burnout isn't just mental, it can show up physically too.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something that I was reading and I thought, oh, huh.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll get into that.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, it was really the sleep aspect.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like women are conditioned to be helpful, be nice, be accommodating, don't be too much, though, don't disappoint anyone, right?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then overgiving might look up like we're saying yes to everything when we really just really want to say no.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: We want to just sit at home, or we take responsibility for other people's emotions.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like we have to do something for someone, or else they're gonna be upset or mad.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we are the reliable one all the time.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: We're there for you, we're there for this and that, or we're over-explaining boundaries of why we need to do this.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: It was only because of XYZ, you know, and we might try to fix things that no one really asked us to fix.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: We just inherently think we need to, right?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when giving becomes a problem, is when it comes from fear instead of choice.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, for instance, if you're giving and giving because you you fear rejection, you fear a conflict with the other person, or you're a fear of being seen as selfish, or maybe even letting someone down.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Burnout, excuse me, burnout can show up in us um emotionally and physically, such as like chronic fatigue or neck and shoulder tension, headaches, digestive issues, hormonal imbalance, brain fog, anxiety or irritability, and just generally like losing the joy and things that you once loved.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: So something that I might hear from uh my patients is that I don't know what I want anymore, or I'm tired, but I just can't rest.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone needs something from me, or I feel invisible.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I shouldn't complain.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm lucky.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: I know I use that line personally a lot.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it could be worse, or I am lucky though.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just keep trudging along.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's fine, everything's fine.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're all fine, it's great, right?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but our nervous system doesn't know the difference between emotional overload and physical danger.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: So that hits hard when we think about we're trying, especially me as a chiropractor, I'm trying so hard to stay healthy.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: But me doing some of this and saying some of this is, you know, really affecting physically too.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And like I was saying earlier, um, I think it really affects my sleep mostly that I've noticed.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but as I get going into this, I'm sure I will dig up a whole bunch of stuff and a whole bunch of childhood memories.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So stay tuned.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um in this book, it really talked about like the difference between giving and self-abandonment.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like healthy giving would be like coming from overflow, where we already have boundaries.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't require resentment for for doing it, and it doesn't erase my needs already.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Self-abandonment would look like ignoring your body signals, staying available at the expense of your health, overfunctioning so others don't have to, and feeling guilty for needing rest.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to give until you're empty to be worthy.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I found that like a really powerful phrase in the book.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, what can we do?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: If we're feeling this and you're listening, like that's what I was saying.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, well, tell me what to do, right?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: What's some steps?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I need some action steps, right?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't need to earn arrest.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: So arrest isn't a reward for productivity.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: So make sure you're not using that in your daily life.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Say no without a whole explanation of why.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Don't give an explanation, don't apologize for saying no for something, and don't have any guilt.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: This one's gonna be hard, I think, for me is just to not explain why.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't want to go to that party because right, and just say no, I it's not gonna work for me tonight.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you though for the invite.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Appreciate it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um let people feel discomfort.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Discomfort doesn't equal danger, and then check in with your body.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Am I tense?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Am I exhausted?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Am I saying yes out of fear?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: So choose yourself without waiting for permission.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a breakdown to justify a boundary.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when we talked about boundaries, I thought to myself, I thought I set boundaries.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: But as I read along more, I thought, well, shoot, maybe that's the whole thing is that we think we're setting them that we're not actually.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I really am gonna start looking into this more.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, boundaries, the terminology we might think of like something like cold or harsh or selfish, but they're not, it's not true.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: A boundary isn't like a thick wall, it's more like a filter, if you will.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: So boundaries start within us, they're internally, and it's not a conversation.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: We just need to ask ourselves like, do I feel tight in my chest or shoulders?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Am I immediately annoyed or resentful from this?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Am I saying yes because I'm scared of how they'll react?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Our bodies usually know when a boundary needs to come up before the brain catches up.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if your body says no, it's a no.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna really start watching my body awareness and see internally if I can see maybe when I think there's a boundary, but there's not.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: So most of us women, I feel like we overexplain our boundaries because we're like seeking permission for it to be okay, maybe, right?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So um decide you're not gonna do something or say no to it and then speak second.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a long story about the reasoning why, or making sure it sounds good enough, um, or we don't need anyone to agree with us.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: It could be something as simple as like, that doesn't work for me, or I don't have the capacity for that right now.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not available for that, and then leave it.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Mic drop, right?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it will be just like you'll be in discomfort for doing this.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: It will be hard.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And when we set a boundary, people might be surprised, especially if you have decades of not having a boundary with someone.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: They may push back or they might talk back to us, right?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they might feel disappointed in us, but other people's disappointment isn't a sign that you did something wrong.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we're often taught as women to manage our emotions, especially others, right?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: But setting boundaries means allowing others to feel their feelings without rescuing them, right?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to rescue everyone, we don't need to fix everyone.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: We can just be an ear.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um so what we can do is replace that guilt with clarity.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: So guilt doesn't mean the boundary was wrong, it usually just means it's new.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: So we could try to reframe it like, I'm protecting my energy, I'm choosing sustainability.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: I can't give from an empty place anymore.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like you've heard I can't give from an empty cup, right?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I never knew what that meant, but apparently this is it.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries aren't about pushing people away from us, they're about staying healthy enough to stay present.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to protect ourselves.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we could start with either the hardest person in our life, which would be difficult, right?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or an easy, like we could practice with like a small request and say no, or a scheduling request, or work hours, even a text response, and then social commitments.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: So every boundary that we start to set will keep building self-trust, and that's what will reduce the burnout long term.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: So um I hope that this helps you um and you get some ideas and some clarity.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: I know it was a very brief like summation of some things.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'd like to go into more detail.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I just found it very powerful.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, in fact, I woke up at like 4 a.m.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: today to finish uh the other part of the book because I just was like, wow, this is very insightful and it really brought a lot of things.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I think there's always room for improvement on ourselves, and you know, we need it, right?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um so if overgiving is what burns women out, boundaries are what brings them back, not all at once, but slowly, safely, and sustainably.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think that us not getting into a burnout phase was what's really going to help our families, our work, our relationships, and ourselves.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Hope you enjoyed this episode and stay tuned for the next one.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Have a bougie multiplepreneur, multi money making, money magnet kind of day.