Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 680: Avoidants Do NOT Fall Out Of Love, They...

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Episode 680: Avoidants Do NOT Fall Out Of Love, They... · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:01
  So your avoidance bailed on you, as avoidance often do, and you
• 0:07
  think it's because they fell out of love?
• 0:09
  You think they don't love you anymore?
• 0:11
  Yeah, sometimes that's true, But more often than not, the reason
• 0:16
  is actually the total opposite. What do I mean?
• 0:20
  Stay tuned and you'll find out. Hi, this is Lucia with the Art
• 0:23
  of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
• 0:25
  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
• 0:29
  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
• 0:31
  contact Army. Have you been a good little
• 0:34
  soldier? If you have and you've
• 0:36
  downloaded my app Silencio, the link is underneath every single
• 0:40
  video and podcast. And if you too would like to
• 0:43
  join our beautiful no contact army, all you have to do is hit
• 0:46
  the subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 0:51
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 0:56
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 1:00
  OK, so why did your avoidant X break up with you?
• 1:05
  Is it because they thought you were incompatible?
• 1:07
  Maybe. Is it because their interest
• 1:10
  level went down? Maybe.
• 1:13
  Did they fall out of love? Maybe they may give you one or
• 1:18
  even all of those reasons and they're convinced that those are
• 1:22
  actually the real reasons they want to get away from you.
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  But the truth is often the opposite.
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  And I have a short quote that a woman posted just this morning
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  that fits beautifully with what I'm about to tell you.
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  And she says he broke up with me, saying he started to fall in
• 1:41
  love with me and cannot give his life to me yet.
• 1:46
  I know it doesn't make sense because you see, avoidance don't
• 1:49
  leave because they fell out of love.
• 1:52
  They leave because they fell in love.
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  I'll give you a second to process that.
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  They're not leaving because of the lack of love.
• 2:02
  They're leaving because of the presence of love.
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  In fact, the more love there is, the less likely they are to
• 2:08
  stick around because for an avoidant, falling in love is
• 2:12
  very dangerous territory. They feel unstable.
• 2:16
  They feel like a fish out of water.
• 2:19
  And This is why they usually have one foot out the door.
• 2:22
  They're afraid to fall in love and they're ready to leave at
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  the drop of a hat. They may think they're losing
• 2:28
  interest and they'll look for reasons to leave, but often the
• 2:32
  truth is that they're very interested, but they're falling
• 2:35
  in love and they're freaking out.
• 2:39
  That's why they'll sometimes leave a perfectly good, even
• 2:42
  great relationship and go back to a toxic X.
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  How frustrating is that, right? And that's because if the toxic
• 2:50
  X rejects them, that's more acceptable because hey, the X is
• 2:54
  toxic anyway and they the avoidant isn't in love with them
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  and the ex isn't a threat to their independence and their
• 3:01
  sense of self. However, if someone they truly
• 3:05
  love rejects them, that would be devastating.
• 3:08
  If they were to truly offer their heart to you now, they're
• 3:11
  risking really getting hurt. This is why, as I said.
• 3:16
  They always have one foot out the door.
• 3:18
  They never want to fully commit 100%.
• 3:21
  They'll find a way to keep their distance no matter how long
• 3:24
  you've been together. And if you try to close that
• 3:27
  distance, especially if you're anxious, you're going to try to
• 3:29
  close that distance, they're going to push you away.
• 3:34
  And avoidance, especially dismissive avoidance, think that
• 3:38
  the idea of completely giving your heart to someone is crazy.
• 3:43
  Their attitude is why would you put your heart in the hands of a
• 3:47
  fickle, fallible, faulty human being?
• 3:53
  They may believe in relationships, but truly giving
• 3:56
  your heart 100% no, that's not going to happen.
• 4:01
  Look at it, look at it this way. Think of avoidance as having a
• 4:06
  fortress built around their heart in order to keep everyone
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  out. So if you have feelings for them
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  and they start to have feelings for you, you now hold the key to
• 4:18
  opening the door to that fortress.
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  Oh, no. And the closer your key gets to
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  the door of the fortress, the more they start to pull away.
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  And the moment that it looks like you're about to put the key
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  in the lock and open that fortress, that's when they will
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  very abruptly pull away. That's why avoidance will often
• 4:40
  break up with you after you've had a really great weekend
• 4:43
  together or a great trip, right? You thought you were getting
• 4:46
  closer and things were moving forward.
• 4:50
  And the very next day, usually it's crazy, the very next day
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  they break up with you. That's because they realized
• 4:58
  they were falling in love. And, well, we can't have that
• 5:00
  now, can we? Falling in love is accompanied
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  by a loss of control, and one thing an avoidant does not want
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  to be is out of control. They're not afraid that their
• 5:12
  relationship's going to fail. They're actually afraid it's
• 5:15
  going to be permanent. So finally, remember that
• 5:18
  attachment styles exist on the spectrum and while most
• 5:23
  avoidance will feel and behave this way, not all avoidance will
• 5:27
  leave because they're in love. Some will leave because they do
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  not have the control they need in order to feel safe in the
• 5:34
  relationship. It feels as if someone is taking
• 5:37
  over their life and that is super scary.
• 5:40
  They start to feel smothered and controlled, and they feel this
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  way because they weren't able to be in total control as children.
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  But now that they're adults, there's no way they're going to
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  relinquish any control. If they feel that you have the
• 5:55
  upper hand in the relationship, they're out.
• 5:59
  So now I want to hear from you. What reason did your ex give for
• 6:04
  breaking up with you? And in the meantime, if you
• 6:06
  would like my help to get your ex back, you can contact me at
• 6:10
  theartoflove.net and we will send you the rates for coaching.
• 6:14
  I am available seven days a week, 16 hours a day because the
• 6:19
  other 8 hours I'm sleeping. But other than that, I am there
• 6:24
  if you're an ongoing client with me.
• 6:25
  So the direct link to that is underneath every single video
• 6:28
  and podcast. And if you found this video
• 6:30
  helpful, please like, subscribe and share.
• 6:33
  If you'll listen to this as a podcast, please rate and review.
• 6:37
  And finally, remember, love inspires, empowers, uplifts and
• 6:41
  enlightens.