Latest / Doing Marriage Well / The Bedroom Balance: Navigating Sexual Needs and Selfishness

Transcript

The Bedroom Balance: Navigating Sexual Needs and Selfishness · Doing Marriage Well

• 0:00
  Doing Marriage Well for March 20, 2026 The Bedroom Balance Navigating Sexual
• 0:06
  Needs and Selfishness So, sex and selfishness.
• 0:10
  This could be a very long podcast.
• 0:12
  It's pretty common for a husband and wife to each think the other is sexually selfish.
• 0:17
  As with other forms of selfishness, a big factor is not understanding what the
• 0:20
  other spouse wants and needs.
• 0:22
  When both spouses can affirm and value the sexual needs of the other, sex is far easier.
• 0:28
  Please understand that not wanting sex at certain times is a valid need,
• 0:32
  likewise for not wanting to ever do certain things sexually.
• 0:36
  Wanting to make love with our spouse is a very valid need. It's both healthy and biblical.
• 0:42
  What's more, it's necessary for an emotionally strong marriage.
• 0:45
  Beyond that, most men can't feel emotionally connected when sex is too infrequent.
• 0:50
  For such men, sex is the doorway to emotional connection.
• 0:54
  High-drive wives often feel much the same way. On the other side,
• 0:58
  there are times when having sex can be emotionally painful for someone.
• 1:01
  Past abuse is a big one, and it can suddenly rear up and cause problems.
• 1:05
  This can happen after not having had a problem for a very long time.
• 1:08
  Not all triggers are obvious, and some don't always cause issues.
• 1:12
  Not having had enough emotional contact with our spouse can make having sex
• 1:16
  difficult or emotionally harmful.
• 1:18
  This issue is not limited to women. I've talked to men who feel this way.
• 1:22
  This includes some men whose wives don't feel the same way.
• 1:25
  She wants sex to reconnect, and he can't face sex until they reconnect.
• 1:29
  Not wanting to engage in specific sex acts or positions is a valid need.
• 1:34
  Not wanting to wear a certain lingerie or use a sex toy are both valid needs.
• 1:38
  These valid needs are often clouded by the stories we tell ourselves about the opposite sex.
• 1:43
  Men tell each other that women use sex to manipulate men.
• 1:47
  Sure, some women do this, but if you buy the lie, you start to see it when it's not there.
• 1:52
  You dismiss valid concerns and needs as control.
• 1:55
  You hurt your wife by pushing her for sex because you think she's just being
• 1:59
  selfish when she is really trying to protect herself. and women tell each other
• 2:03
  that men are all selfish pigs about sex.
• 2:05
  They dismiss the validity of men's physical and emotional sex drives.
• 2:09
  Again, there are sexually selfish men. But when you buy the lie that such men
• 2:14
  are the norm, you see what you expect to see.
• 2:16
  This wrongs your husband and hurts your marriage.
• 2:19
  The answer, again, is communication. The problem, of course,
• 2:23
  is most couples have a very difficult time talking about sex.
• 2:26
  Sex puts embarrassment on top of all the emotions of discussing needs.
• 2:30
  But if you don't talk about it, it won't get better, and it will almost certainly get worse.
• 2:35
  A trained third party is also a challenging thing to face, but for some, it's the way to go.
• 2:40
  This is Paul, and accepting your spouse's sexual needs is the first step to doing sex well.