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26. A Radical Tool to Help you Regulate your Nervous System During Post Divorce Triggers · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Hi, love.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: This is Dawn and you're listening to Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the post-divorce life and you, the woman who lives it.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: We cover everything from trauma during and after divorce to feeling like a stranger in your own life and the new frontier of life as a single woman.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: We're cozy in for the conversations we've been longing to have about this new life.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Hi, love, it's great to be with you today, and today I'm a little low energy, and I tell you that because I'm keenly aware that some days I come to the mic and I'm high energy and I'm excited, and some days I come and I'm not, and I think that's important to say because I don't know how it sounds on your end.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: But I want to keep it really transparent that, even though I can say things very clearly and very intentionally, know that I'm not always sitting here with you feeling my best, and so I want you to know that that on the days that you just really feel like you don't have it, that's okay.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: You're still doing awesome and it's still it's okay to say to people I don't have it today.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: Today's not my A plus day and and we're gonna love you anyway, just like you love me anyway, and just a little extra permission to let it be.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: You know, today we're talking about going to court and doing other really freaking hard things and we haven't had a topic like this and I particularly love it because it's gonna help us tap into a bit of our power and that is always a really exciting thing to explore and to capture.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: So I can't wait for us to play with this a little bit.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: And yes, we're gonna play with the idea of going to court today, and that makes it even better, right, because going to court and equally hard things like having to have hard conversations with your ex or with your kids, or you know so many aspects of this uncoupling process, and so when we play with it, literally it creates a little space.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: It just makes it a little less heavy and that and that's everything you know.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: So when we think about going to court and doing other equally hard things, there is a lot of adrenaline involved, right, so much adrenaline that activates the amygdala, that makes the amygdala the part of the brain that processes really intense, the primal level emotions, makes it overactive.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: All that adrenaline and overwhelming emotion.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: And when the amygdala is hyperactive, it makes it seem like we have less control over our mind and our feelings and, if it escalates enough, our body.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: Right, rage is a thing where we, like, lose control of our anger and sometimes our body.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: So going to court has all of those kinds of ingredients set to play out where you just get flooded and perhaps lose control.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: And maybe you're someone who cries when you feel out of control emotionally.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: Maybe you're somebody who gets angry or anxious, has panic attacks, right.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of to each his own in terms of how you experience feeling flooded.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: None of it's right, none of it's wrong.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: But today I want you to have some tools for dealing with those moments, because the reality is is, when you go into court in that emotional place, it makes you liable for things to not go the way you need them to go, quite frankly, right.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: So I can tell you from years of working in that space that Judges do not like working with overly emotional clients.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: They don't like working with overly manipulative clients either, right, but they really want court to be a place where we say, hey, let's be in solution around these things and let's get to work and let's be productive.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: And also, when working with your ex, the more it's charged emotionally, the less collaborative it's going to be.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: And so I know what's on your heart and I know you know what you need and what your babies need and what you need for your future.
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: And so being able to work differently with these types of hard days will give you so much more that I know you know you need.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to come, i think, from a little bit of left field here with the strategy I want you to work with.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: But here we go, let's literally dive in.
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: So I want you to think about the idea.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Have you seen this trend on the internet of ice baths?
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: A lot of the gurus and the thought leaders are doing them right Tony Robbins and a lot of the functional medicine people, the kind of big names in the public speaking and, um, fitness world and, uh, you know, celebrities they're really into this ice, ice bath thing, cold plunge And a lot of it kicked off with this guy named Wim Hof and you can find him on YouTube.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: But he talks so much about mindfulness and breath and ice bathing and being able to heal your mind, body, using this tool, submersing yourself and freezing freaking cold water, and it's crazy, um, but there is a lot of science behind it.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: And so I a couple of weeks ago was like, okay, i'm going to do this thing, and so I got the water to 57 degrees, because that's kind of the higher end of where you want it, and I was like I don't want to be a degree colder than I have to.
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: But here's what I noticed while a couple of things.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: First of all.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: My daughter said she didn't think I could do it.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: So isn't that interesting?
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: because there is.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: No, i can't do it Like you.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: Can do it Like you can.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: You can, you just can.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: But your mind is going to tell you you can't.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: And my kid told me I couldn't, which actually probably helped, because then I just wanted to prove her wrong And and so then when I first got in, can I tell you it's a lot like going to court, because it literally took my breath away.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: I could not at first.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: For the first couple of seconds I could not regulate my breathing.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: I had to get so focused on regulating my breathing and I had to get so still, because when you stay still it creates a little bit of a shock.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: When you stay still, it creates a little tiny little heat barrier where the your body heats the layer of water around it, and if I moved it felt colder, right.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: So I had to get so still and focus so intentionally on my breath, and so I did it three days in a row till I got to.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Over the course of the three days I did a total of 12 or 13 minutes, and that may not seem long, but in the ice bath world.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: It's actually pretty legit.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: The goal is to get to like 11 or 12 minutes in a week.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: And what it really is love is it's mind over matter.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: Mind over matter, because our minds tell us so many things that we can't do.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: They tell us I can't regulate my emotions, i can't regulate what my, what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: I can't, i can't, i can't, i can't, i can't, i can't.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: And when you get to that moment where you're hovering over 58 degree water, i knew that I could, but I didn't want to.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: And that's a whole nother level, because when you get to a place where you know you're about to do something really hard and you notice the difference between I can't and I don't want to, you have an opportunity to pluck your personal power back.
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: Because once you tap into this whole space of I can and I get to do something and I get to choose, oh man, everything becomes available to you there.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: So this sounds maybe a little crazy, don, it's crazy.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: You're telling me to be the nice.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: Well, what I know is that if you were able to and in my experience over the three days, i was able to go longer each time and I was able to regulate my breath much easier each time, and I've only done it three times over my life.
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: But if you were to practice regulating your breath and working with your mind before going to court or doing any of the really hard things you have to face, it would be so freaking, empowering, because you go into it knowing that you can be in charge of your own mind, body, rather than being on defense.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: You know, when you walk into a space with him and you hate that you can't quite remain in control, that he has that effect on you.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: You know those people in your life, and he's probably not the only one but you know those people in your life that just seem to be able to pull out the worst than you.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: Wouldn't it be great to be done with that?
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: Wouldn't it be great to be able to have your sad feelings, your mad feelings, your grief feelings about the whole thing and about the people, but like to not have to be, not in control of your own experience, especially when it comes to him?
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: Wouldn't you love to have your power back in that way?
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: So, whether it's to do with the holidays or going to court or whomever you have to share space with and it seems impossible.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: I want you to consider trying an ice bath, and I can provide you some links in the show notes to you know, because I did a lot of research before I did it.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: I wanted to really understand what the benefits are, because there's other benefits, like it up regulates your immunity, it up regulates your metabolism, and then it really shores up your neurotransmitter game, like so much dopamine that comes from it, so like the happy chemicals that you get when you step out of an ice bath.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: So there's so many positive effects that ultimately, would help prepare you for doing a hard thing like going to court, or you know, we're literally headed into the holidays here, and there's going to be a lot of hard moments, right.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: So I want you to really strongly consider, and you can check out everything that I've linked in the show notes to get a feel for it.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: You can also message me with any questions.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: I also took a video of the first one, so whether I link that video in the Patreon or wherever I end up putting that, but I'll have that for you somewhere there.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: I want you to hear me say, though, that you have more power than you've tapped into, and if you think about hovering over that icy water.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: I want you to notice does your mind say I can't or I don't want to?
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: And can you question whether or not that's true?
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: Because I think when you position yourself, picturing yourself walking into that courtroom or into that holiday setting, your mind says I can't and you believe it sometimes right, or I can't, or I can't, or I'm not going to be okay.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: I'm not right, let's work with that.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to be okay.
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to be okay in court.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to be okay in this ice bath, i'm not going to be okay in this holiday setting.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: And, of course, i want to advocate for all the other tools that we talk about when we're doing hard things, like having your support system prepped and ready to receive you after the fact, having your, you know, doing your EFT tapping or having your therapy session scheduled and you know all the things to help you process and make sense of it and feel held and affirmed afterwards.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: We don't.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying we definitely need those tools in addition to the ice bath, right, but but try it.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: Try it And notice how quickly you grow, notice how quickly you gain control over your own mind, body You were built for so much more, and so much of what you're going through is about a much different D word.
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: So much of what you're going through is not so much about divorce as it is about this divine transformation that you're in, and this is just another opportunity, another way for you to play with Transforming.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: Now, how did I get through those three, five and six minutes?
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: The first day, i started with a song like a really like catchy song that was going to keep my head in the game, and the second day I played it twice.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: But the third day I was like I'm asking myself to like there's no way I'll keep my head in the game.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: So I ended up playing a YouTube video with something that I really wanted to hear what the person was saying, so I had to concentrate on it.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: So, um, i really worked hard to keep my brain engaged in a different way.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: So bear that in mind too.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: When it comes to going to court and doing hard things, i focused on a regulating my breathing and, b keeping my mind focused on something other than my discomfort.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: So those are the two main strategies I used in the ice bath.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: The same things are available to you when you go do these really hard relational things, even if it knocks the wind out of you in a matter of moments, you can call that wind back and you can.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: You can find an ease in it, a smoothness, i know you can.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: I love you so much.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: Have a beautiful week.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: Peace, deer.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: Diverse Diary is a podcast by My Coach, dawn.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by MyCoachDawn.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: You can find more at MyCoachDawncom.