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No Contact Ended - Now Don’t RUIN It · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  Today we're going to talk about what I call the reconciliation
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  minefield, and that is that critical period after your ex
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  finally contacts you because that's where 90% of people ruin
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  their chances without even realizing it.
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  I've got a case study to share from a listener's experience.
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  And here's the thing, his ex did everything right to make him
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  think that getting back together was possible before she pulled
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  the rug out. So we're going to analyze every
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  line, expose where things went wrong, and most importantly, how
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  you can avoid these traps. Are you ready?
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  Great. But first, hi, this is Lucia
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  with The Art of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact army. Have you been a good little
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  soldier? If you have, then you have been
• 1:14
  using my app Silencio to help you stay no contact.
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  And the link to that is underneath every single video
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  and podcast. And you 2 can join our no
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  contact army. Just hit the subscribe button
• 1:26
  and the bell notification. And to read our manual go to
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  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
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  you purchase the book. OK so let me read the exact
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  messages and listen closely to this roller coaster.
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  So he starts by saying my ex communicated with me out of the
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  blue after a year with something so mundane.
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  So this is bread crumbing one O 1.
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  They never come back with accountability or rarely, you
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  know, just nostalgia bait to see if you're still hooked.
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  But that's not a reconciliation, that's emotional fishing.
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  She continues. Then she unblocked me from a
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  social platform and said her old e-mail was hacked.
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  Really. That hacked e-mail story is
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  similar to the dog ate my homework notice She didn't just
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  unblock, she gave him a new e-mail.
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  That's not security, that's controlled access.
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  She's keeping him on a leash. We talked for almost 3 hours and
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  she was excited about her job promotion.
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  What do I tell you guys about meeting up with your ex?
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  Why are you giving them three hours?
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  You stated no contact that long and now you're giving them three
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  hours. They haven't earned it yet.
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  If they want you back, they need to earn every little thing.
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  But you know, on her side this was glow up manipulation in full
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  effect. She's doing the X equivalent of
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  waving a shiny object in his face.
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  Like look how great I'm doing without you.
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  And this is classic ego play to trigger his scarcity mindset.
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  After a few days, I cooked for her and her kids.
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  Her dog of 14 years was put down.
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  Aha. So the truth comes out.
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  So he mistook a crisis bond for wanting to get back together.
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  And that's why she reached out because she was going through a
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  crisis and she wanted someone to talk to, someone who felt
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  familiar, someone she had love for.
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  And she reached out to him and he thought, hey, she wants to
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  get back together. So continuing on, she said she
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  said I was love bombing her and started blaming me for the
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  breakup all over again and then ghosted.
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  Aha. The great script flip when they
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  feel you getting too close. They reframe your care as
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  manipulation to justify retreating.
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  Oh, you're being too nice is the avoidant speak for I'm getting
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  scared of real connection. Her last message was I don't
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  trust you anymore. We can never be together.
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  And then she posts Facebook quotes about moving on.
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  So here's the thing about posting quotes about moving on.
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  This would be the equivalent of yelling I'm not mad while
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  slamming doors. Sure you're not people who
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  actually move on? They don't announce it, they
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  just disappear. So she reached out because of
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  her dog passing away? Grief is not a reunion strategy,
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  OK? Trauma bonding does not equal
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  getting back together. Reconciliation if they only want
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  you when they're hurting, then you're not their partner.
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  You're just their emotional Band-Aid.
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  Is that all you want to be? And then over investing and
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  their emotional labor. You know I cook for her kids.
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  Do not do wife slash husband duties when you're only getting
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  ex benefits. Cooking for the kids is like
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  being in a relationship, but you're not in a relationship.
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  So it's a huge mistake. You're either all in or you're
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  all out. No free trial periods.
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  And then he didn't call out the mixed signals.
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  She unblocked me, gave me a new e-mail and then said I was love
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  bombing. So the moment that she blamed
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  him, he needed to say, hey, if we're revisiting the past, then
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  let's discuss how we've both grown because otherwise, what's
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  the goal here? What are we doing here?
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  But you know, he also went too fast.
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  It's like 3 hours and volunteering to cook.
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  It's like, no, she needs to make the moves.
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  But I'm going to talk a bit about that in a second.
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  So what could he have done different?
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  Well, there's the 24 to 48 hour rule, and that is you make them
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  marinate in uncertainty. So when an ex texts after no
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  contact, you make them wait 24 to 48 hour hours to see how
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  they're going to respond to that.
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  And if they can't wait a day or two, then you know what?
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  They really weren't serious. You know, if they text back, oh,
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  you know what? Forget my message.
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  OK, well you know then you weren't serious then.
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  Step 2. The interest level always under
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  match their energy. So if they write 10 words, you
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  write 7. If they take two hours to reply,
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  you take 3. And this prevents what's called
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  emotional overdraft, where you give more than they've earned,
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  so match their effort -20% then we have the accountability
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  gauntlet. And that is that you force
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  clarity or you walk away. So at the first blame attempt
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  where she brought up the breakup, say, hey, I've
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  reflected on that too. And if we're talking again, I'd
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  want us to focus on where we are now, not who we were then.
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  And this separates the serious from the time wasters.
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  You're either moving forward or you're done.
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  So when an X says we can never be together but keeps you
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  unblocked, when they rant about the past but stalk your stories,
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  when they post about moving on but respond to your texts, then
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  they're not rejecting you. They're addicted to the drama.
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  This isn't confusing confusion, sorry.
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  It's emotional hoarding. We want to keep you in their
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  back pocket while shopping for better options.
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  And the moment that you truly move on, that's usually when
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  they'll step up or fade away. But either way, you win because
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  indifference is always the ultimate power move.
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  And if you take nothing else from today, keep this in mind.
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  And X, who truly wants you back won't make you decode mixed
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  signals. They will make things crystal
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  clear. OK so now I want to hear from
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  you. How long have you been in no
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  contact and how is it going? And if you would like my help to
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  get your ex back you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching
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  and we will send you the rates. They're not on the website and
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  we respond to all emails within 24 hours.
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  So if you don't hear from us, then we either didn't get your
• 9:19
  e-mail or we responded and it's in your junk or spam, especially
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  if you have Gmail. So if you don't hear from us
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  within 24 hours, then please reach out again, hopefully using
• 9:31
  another e-mail. And if you found this video
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  helpful, please give it a like. And if you listen to this as a
• 9:38
  podcast and would like to help the show, then just download the
• 9:41
  episode. You don't even have to listen to
• 9:43
  it, just download it. And finally, remember that love
• 9:48
  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.