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Less Sex Than Either of You Want — and Nobody's Talking About It · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for June 5, 2026 Less sex than either of you want,
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  and nobody's talking about it.
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  Most of what I have said this week should apply to our sex lives, but often it doesn't.
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  Sexual mismatch is one of the most common complaints couples have,
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  but I want to go a different way about this today.
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  Let's say Chris and Sam are married.
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  Chris wants sex four times a week, and Sam wants it twice. That's a problem,
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  but there's a good chance they're actually having sex only once a week.
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  They are having less sex than either of them want. And odds are,
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  they are both relieving the tension on their own.
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  Multiple studies have shown sexual frequency for married couples has dropped
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  significantly and steadily over the last two decades.
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  And younger couples are not having nearly as much sex as their parents had at the same age.
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  Experts offer theories for why this is, ranging from smartphone use to mental
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  health to being too busy.
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  But no one has proven why we have this epidemic of declining sex.
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  When we look at masturbation rates, we find it's not a lack of drive.
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  But that does not solve the problem.
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  One study found that the more often a married person masturbated,
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  the less happy they were with their sex life, and the less satisfied they were with their marriage.
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  So this is not an innocent trend. It's a problem.
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  Do you assume the lack of sex in your marriage is because your spouse is happy
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  with the amount you're having?
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  That could be true, but for a growing number of couples, both husband and wife want more sex.
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  And most of those couples don't know they both want more. The first step is communication.
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  Ask something such as, are you okay with how often we have sex, or would you like more?
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  If you both want more, that means making time and energy for it.
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  It means not taking care of it yourself.
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  How do you make that happen? If you struggle with that, you could agree that
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  from now on, you will deal with your sex drives as a couple.
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  That might mean laying side by side and masturbating, in the dark,
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  if that's what one of you needs.
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  If only one of you feels the need, then you lie together as that person masturbates.
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  Doing that is a starting point, and it helps you understand how often each of you would like sex.
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  From there, you can work on making it happen by figuring out why it's not and
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  what it will take to change that.
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  This is Paul, and doing sex well requires doing it.