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Why Calling Out An Avoidant Always Backfires · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  If you called out your ex for being avoidant, that may be
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  exactly why they pulled away even harder.
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  And I know that sounds completely backwards, because
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  when someone is hot and cold, distant, confusing, your
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  instinct is to say something right?
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  To point it out, to get clarity, to make it make sense.
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  But to an avoidant, being called out does not create awareness.
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  It creates pressure. And pressure is what makes them
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  shut down. And if you're thinking, Oh no, I
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  already did this, did I mess up? Well, maybe or maybe not.
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  But you did trigger a reaction that you didn't understand.
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  And once you understand what actually happened, you can stop
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  making it worse. Hi, if you're new here, my name
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  is Lucia. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex. And if you're not new, you're
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  part of my no contact army. Welcome back, my little
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  soldiers. OK, so you felt the need to call
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  your ex out because before they showed interest, they opened up.
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  They made you feel like something real was there, right?
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  So now you're trying to get back to that version of them.
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  And when they pull away, you think, well, if I just say it
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  clearly, they'll understand. If I'm just being honest, I'm
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  helping them see the problem. And logically that makes sense
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  because if someone has a pattern, why wouldn't pointing
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  it out help? And sure, that would work with
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  someone who's secure or even anxious.
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  But what feels like honesty is actually the thing that's
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  pushing them further away. Because avoidance don't respond
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  to logic, they respond to emotional pressure.
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  And in fact I have a comment here underneath 11 videos and
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  the guy said I called my ex out on her avoidant behavior.
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  She said love yourself more. She love bombed me one more time
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  and then blocked and ghosted. So that's not a coincidence.
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  That's a pattern. And that's actually what it
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  looks like in real life. You say something like, well, I
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  feel like every time you get close, you pull away, your
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  avoidant. Why do you keep doing this?
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  And at first they might respond like this person did, and maybe
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  they even explain themselves. Maybe they seem open for a
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  moment and you think, OK, this is good, we're finally getting
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  somewhere. But then their energy shifts,
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  they get quieter, slower to respond, less engaged, and
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  within days they're gone again, like the person in the comments.
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  So if you've already messed up and you need to fix it, don't
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  worry because I do offer one-on-one coaching and you can
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  contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
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  will send you the rates. They are not on the website, and
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  the link to that is underneath every single video and podcast.
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  So what's really happening is that when you call out an
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  avoidant, they're not thinking, wow, that's really insightful.
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  I wish. Instead, they feel exposed,
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  judged, they feel like they're being analyzed.
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  And the second that happens, their brain shifts into
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  protection mode, not connection protection.
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  And protection for an avoidant looks like, as we already know,
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  distance. But here's where it gets really
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  confusing because sometimes they come back, they reach out, they
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  act warm again, they reconnect just enough and you think, see,
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  they care. It worked.
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  No, that wasn't connection. That was pressure relief.
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  And this is the cycle that people get stuck in.
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  You call them out, they pull away, they come back, you bring
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  it up again. And each time they stay for less
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  time and leave even faster until eventually they stop coming back
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  at all. So if you don't call them out,
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  then what do you actually do? What the heck do you do?
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  Because I know this is where people get frustrated.
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  You're thinking, OK so I say nothing and pretend everything's
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  fine. No, this is about changing how
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  you respond. So stop labeling the behavior in
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  the moment instead of why are you being distant, you're
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  pulling away again. Can you just be honest with me?
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  Do this, say nothing in the moment, notice it, but don't
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  react emotionally because the second you label it, they're
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  going to feel judged and boxed in.
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  Next you're going to match their energy instead of chasing it.
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  So instead of trying to close the gap, sending what's going on
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  texts, pushing for reassurance, when they pull back, you don't
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  lean in harder, you don't try to fix it, you do less.
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  You pull your energy back, not as a game, but because you're
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  not going to over function for someone who's under functioning.
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  And this is where people usually mess up because they panic and
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  they try to close the gap instead of staying silent.
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  And to help you stay silent, you can check out my app, Silencio,
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  which is available on the Google Play Store and of course,
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  through the Apple Store. And there's a counter there
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  where you can see how long you've been in no contact and
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  also a panic button. So if you panic and want to
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  reach out, you're going to hear my voice giving you an
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  inspirational message. And the link for that is
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  underneath every single video and podcast.
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  And of course, for those who still like to read, you can
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  check out my book, No Contact Secrets at nocontactsecrets.com.
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  OK, next, you're going to stay warm, but not available on
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  demand. And this is the balance that's
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  hard to make because you're not cold, you're not punishing them,
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  you're not ignoring them to prove it point, but you're also
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  not instantly available. You're calm and grounded.
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  You're not reacting. And that will remove the
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  pressure. And when they do come back, do
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  not ruin it. Do not lose them again, you
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  know, because a lot of people they wait for the avoidant to
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  come back and then they quickly say, hey, why did you disappear
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  or are you going to do that again?
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  And that sends them right back into shutdown.
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  So instead, instead of trying to force a conversation, allow them
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  to re engage on their own time. And when they do, do not
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  interrogate them. Do not bring up the past.
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  Don't say why did you disappear because again, they will shut
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  down. So instead keep it light, stay
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  present. Don't revisit the issue right
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  away. So you want to create safety
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  through behavior, not words. You don't convince and avoid
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  verbally. You show them you're not
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  reactive, you're not chasing, you're not trying to control the
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  outcome. That's what makes them feel safe
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  enough to stay. OK, so if you've been calling
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  them out or thinking of calling them out, it's not that you're
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  wrong, it's that you're using the wrong strategy for the
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  person you're dealing with. Because with an avoidant, the
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  more you try to force clarity, the more they feel the need to
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  escape. As I'm sure you've noticed,
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  you're creating pressure, and pressure is what makes them want
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  to leave. If you want a different outcome,
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  you have to respond differently. So less pressure, more space,
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  more self-control. Because with an avoidant, the
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  moment you stop pushing is often the moment they stop pulling
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  away. OK, so now I want to hear from
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  you. Do you have any questions or
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  comments about anything I've said?
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  And be sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on any future
• 8:13
  videos or episodes. And in the meantime, remember,
• 8:16
  love inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.