Latest / Questionable Detour / Chopping off the heads of mice in front of students, bringing a live bear into a classroom, and fighting your homeless father to the death

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Chopping off the heads of mice in front of students, bringing a live bear into a classroom, and fighting your homeless father to the death · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're gonna make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:24
  There's no better group of people on this planet than homeschooled people, right?
• 0:29
  Like homeschooled people, they're a special breed.
• 0:32
  You know them when you see them out in public, right?
• 0:34
  You know, you see a kid, pants pulled up to his nipples,
• 0:37
  wearing Velcro shoes and talking about Minecraft.
• 0:41
  You know he's homeschooled.
• 0:43
  Alan experienced a homeschool family this week.
• 0:46
  You were trying to tell us the story before the mics were live and we put a muzzle on you.
• 0:50
  You were like, no, no.
• 0:51
  The only time you should ever say anything interesting is when the mics are recording.
• 0:54
  So I went to the concert on Sunday and sat directly behind
• 1:00
  what I thought was going to be the stereotypical homeschool family.
• 1:03
  What did they look like?
• 1:04
  Why did you immediately assume they were a homeschool family?
• 1:07
  The parents looked kind of normal.
• 1:11
  It was the kids that threw me off.
• 1:13
  So we kind of dissected it and we said the parents, obviously, they weren't homeschooled.
• 1:17
  They were probably public school people who were trying to homeschool their kids.
• 1:21
  Yeah.
• 1:22
  The red flag was that it looked like this was the first time the kids had ever been out.
• 1:29
  Pasty skin.
• 1:30
  Yeah, pasty skin.
• 1:31
  What were the signs?
• 1:33
  There were two girls and a boy and a boy had his pants basically up to his nipples,
• 1:37
  like you described.
• 1:39
  It's so consistent.
• 1:40
  Just hair unkempt.
• 1:42
  You know, just they look like they rolled out of bed,
• 1:45
  but nobody ever told them that they had to ever do anything with their hair.
• 1:48
  Some fun red flags, starting with the boy.
• 1:51
  He was probably 15 or 16.
• 1:54
  Again, this looked like it was his first trip out of the house.
• 1:56
  Sure. Yeah, absolutely.
• 1:58
  We're watching him Google on his phone.
• 1:59
  He Googles, why does Coke have caffeine?
• 2:04
  Just something really basic.
• 2:06
  He's he is sitting here waiting concert.
• 2:09
  He's well, he's waiting for the band to come on.
• 2:12
  It's in between the opener and the main event.
• 2:15
  And he's just hanging out, Googling, why does Coke have caffeine?
• 2:18
  So then he goes to the pictures on his phone.
• 2:19
  And he has a wanted poster of William Tecumseh Sherman,
• 2:23
  who is the union general that destroyed Atlanta.
• 2:29
  I don't know if he made this
• 2:32
  and wanted both.
• 2:33
  It's a wanted poster.
• 2:34
  It just says wanted.
• 2:35
  And then his face below it.
• 2:38
  So like he was he was like, we need to find this union general
• 2:41
  for the Confederacy.
• 2:43
  I don't know if maybe he's just been inside for so long.
• 2:46
  His parents just raised him up thinking, OK, this guy is still out there.
• 2:49
  He's he is a danger to us in Atlanta.
• 2:53
  Just happened.
• 2:53
  There are a bunch of Confederate sympathizers.
• 2:55
  I like we need to find out the leaders of the Union Army.
• 2:59
  Yeah, he's not having a great time with his sister.
• 3:01
  His sister is younger than him and she keeps kneeing him.
• 3:05
  He's clearly just wanted to have a nice night out.
• 3:07
  And he can't do that with his sister.
• 3:08
  Another fun red flag.
• 3:10
  The parents are drinking beer out of straws.
• 3:12
  Oh, no, just sounds like just a couple of psychopaths.
• 3:16
  Yeah, what is that? I don't know.
• 3:18
  They were they were selling beer and they had they would put the lid on it.
• 3:21
  But that was only so you don't spill it while you're walking back to your seat.
• 3:24
  You know, they went ahead and got straws, put it in the cup
• 3:28
  and were drinking the beer like that.
• 3:29
  They told their kids that son doesn't know why caffeine is in coke.
• 3:33
  Maybe the parents told their kids that once you have a beer,
• 3:36
  it becomes on alcoholic when you put it through a straw.
• 3:39
  So that's why it's OK for them to drink because the beer is no longer alcohol.
• 3:42
  It's a it's a filter.
• 3:44
  It's essentially coke at that point.
• 3:45
  Yeah. And then they said that the kid was like,
• 3:49
  why does it have caffeine in it then?
• 3:53
  That family seems like the type that are very rigid about bedtimes.
• 3:56
  Yeah, they're like, you can't have caffeine at this certain time
• 3:59
  because they have to be in bed by eight thirty.
• 4:01
  Well, these kids were not in bed by eight thirty.
• 4:02
  They were out to at least eleven.
• 4:04
  It was a crazy night for them.
• 4:05
  So I think we watched them also clap for the first time.
• 4:09
  The kids look like a couple of robots that were programmed incorrectly.
• 4:14
  Yeah. Can you describe it for it was?
• 4:17
  Other than just offbeat and robotic, I mean, it is.
• 4:20
  It looks like how you would think maybe like your dad would clap if he
• 4:24
  if he saw like a like a band he liked in the 80s, you know,
• 4:27
  he doesn't have any rhythm, probably, you know.
• 4:29
  Oh, so they were clapping along with the song. Yeah. Yeah.
• 4:32
  No, he wasn't just he wasn't just clapping.
• 4:34
  Just just yes.
• 4:35
  I when you when you were describing these kids,
• 4:38
  I never for one second assumed that they had rhythm.
• 4:42
  No, like they were there is never in my mind
• 4:45
  when you describe that their pants were pulled up to the nipples and hair was nutty.
• 4:49
  I was like, man, I bet these kids have.
• 4:50
  I think it really speaks to the description,
• 4:53
  given that you also know that they're white without me saying it.
• 4:58
  It is true. It is true.
• 4:59
  You didn't you didn't exactly specify the race. They're white.
• 5:02
  There's no way they're not white.
• 5:03
  The only rhythm they would have is when they're playing their French horn. Oh, yeah.
• 5:08
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 5:09
  I bet they practice that stupid French horn every night.
• 5:13
  Like it's a religion marching season.
• 5:15
  So they've trans transitioned to Mellophone, I'm sure.
• 5:19
  Oh, I bet, man, I bet that family gathers around that table at night
• 5:22
  and just eat spoonfuls of mayonnaise.
• 5:25
  I bet it's just eat your mayonnaise and pray to the Lord.
• 5:31
  Just mayonnaise, just mayonnaise.
• 5:33
  I wanted to stick around them longer just to see what else they would do.
• 5:36
  I mean, the the the parents were really into it.
• 5:39
  That tells me that they weren't homeschooled.
• 5:41
  They were they were gyrating is what they were doing.
• 5:43
  Gyrating. They were like a phone that's getting a text. Yes. Yeah.
• 5:49
  They were vibrating like an amber alert phone.
• 5:52
  Were they really vibrating?
• 5:54
  And I don't know, it may have not been as been as bad,
• 5:57
  but in comparison to their kids, their kids were either not doing anything
• 6:00
  or clapping with no rhythm, but they were standing up, moving around,
• 6:05
  shaking their bodies, the man and the woman that, you know,
• 6:09
  drinking their beer through a straw.
• 6:10
  You know, they were they were very into it. Yeah.
• 6:13
  If you could have done one thing to join in this family,
• 6:16
  like what could you have said or done for them?
• 6:19
  Be like, we need to take this guy home. He's one of us.
• 6:22
  I think I could have repositioned my pants a little bit.
• 6:24
  I could I could have brought him up, brought him up a bit higher.
• 6:27
  Maybe wear shoes that don't have laces.
• 6:30
  Yeah. Some some sketches, shape ups, I think.
• 6:34
  Maybe tuck in the T-shirt.
• 6:35
  I feel like that's oh, yeah. Yeah. But it's a wolf on it.
• 6:40
  That or it's just a plain white Hanes tee.
• 6:43
  Nothing on it.
• 6:44
  Nothing on it, but like a maybe a mustard stain or something.
• 6:46
  Yeah. Yeah. Man, I think. Yeah.
• 6:49
  It's always a man.
• 6:52
  With suspenders, could you wear suspenders?
• 6:54
  I wonder I wonder if that would be be too far.
• 6:57
  Yeah, it'd be two 90s nerdy.
• 6:59
  Yeah, it kind of reminds me of Steve Urkel or or to to hipster.
• 7:03
  Yeah, that's a good point.
• 7:05
  This is see, this is why you're the professional here.
• 7:07
  Yeah, I think I think we're definitely looking at Velcro shoes.
• 7:10
  I'm thinking thick, thick glasses, like glasses that if
• 7:13
  if somebody looks straight at you, your eyes seem about 10 times bigger
• 7:17
  than they should.
• 7:17
  So you would think that.
• 7:19
  But this one actually had they were like wire rim glasses.
• 7:22
  Really? OK, like a Harry Potter style type glasses, not circular.
• 7:25
  They were rectangle wire.
• 7:27
  So just kind of sad.
• 7:30
  And you would have to like take your hat off and kind of throw your hair around.
• 7:34
  Make it look messy.
• 7:35
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 7:35
  And then cut it to different lengths in different areas,
• 7:39
  just so it like doesn't look like you've ever had a good haircut.
• 7:42
  And look like you might have just woken up from being asleep in the car. Yeah.
• 7:47
  It looks like your mom cut it because she believes that hairstylists are
• 7:50
  Satan worshippers or something like that.
• 7:52
  It's weird.
• 7:53
  Your dad just doesn't want to pay for it. Yeah.
• 7:57
  He's like, your mom can do it.
• 7:58
  You know, she's she has hands like everybody else.
• 8:01
  How much for a haircut? No, no, no.
• 8:03
  Sorry, because a dad wants to buy Funko pops like he doesn't want.
• 8:07
  Yeah. Yeah. He money on a haircut.
• 8:09
  He definitely he definitely has a lot of Funko pops.
• 8:12
  He's a Funko pop addiction. Yeah.
• 8:15
  It's ruining his family.
• 8:16
  I'm betting the kid does like the son.
• 8:18
  I don't know. I don't know what girls do.
• 8:20
  So I'm just I'm just not even not even worrying with with the other two.
• 8:23
  But I'm betting the son probably builds like model Zoids or something.
• 8:26
  You guys remember Zoids?
• 8:28
  Yeah. Funko pop sounds like what his dad would call himself
• 8:31
  when he starts grooving. Yeah.
• 8:34
  Oh, turn into old Funko pop.
• 8:37
  That's what that's what happens any time he puts on sunglasses.
• 8:41
  The kids joke about it like that.
• 8:43
  Turn into Funko pop.
• 8:45
  That's good.
• 8:46
  Nothing like making fun of people that can't help it.
• 8:49
  Yeah. And nothing like and like most of other things we make fun of.
• 8:54
  Zach used to be it.
• 8:55
  So I was home school until fifth grade.
• 8:58
  Yeah, I still carry the scars.
• 9:00
  I still have to put on pants and go too high.
• 9:03
  I've I think I've got one worse for you.
• 9:06
  A few years ago, somebody asked me if I was home school. Yeah. So
• 9:11
  is it worse to be assumed home school or used to be home school?
• 9:14
  I was I was just being me and I got labeled as a home school person.
• 9:19
  I got this guy stays inside.
• 9:22
  He he probably didn't have a lot of friends.
• 9:26
  I don't know if this is any cooler, but everybody used to think that I was always
• 9:29
  high. That's really cool.
• 9:31
  Yeah. So chill.
• 9:32
  And my eyes don't open very much.
• 9:34
  I can I can see that.
• 9:36
  Everybody thought I was always high.
• 9:37
  I fit the home school vibe back in fourth grade.
• 9:40
  It's slightly chunky.
• 9:42
  It was the early 2000s.
• 9:43
  So long shorts were a thing like shorts that hang well below the knee.
• 9:47
  Yeah. Yeah. I fit the bill because you're trying to be modest, though.
• 9:50
  Well, yeah, I didn't want to.
• 9:52
  I didn't want to turn on everybody.
• 9:54
  My God, look at this 12 year old with high shorts.
• 9:57
  Look at that stumbling block rolling out here.
• 10:00
  And I can't get over his fat legs and man boobs
• 10:04
  and the pookashell necklace.
• 10:05
  Yeah, the necklace.
• 10:07
  Golly, it's funny.
• 10:09
  I think the pookashell went out in the real world before it ever like years
• 10:12
  before it made it to the homeschool.
• 10:14
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 10:14
  That's how I think that's how the homeschool would work.
• 10:16
  It's like, yeah, it's like a time machine. Yeah.
• 10:20
  But yeah, it's fun to make fun of people that were just living their life out
• 10:24
  in public and they just happened to sit behind Alan.
• 10:28
  They they sat into a mic once.
• 10:30
  They said at the wrong place. Yeah.
• 10:34
  Also, you shouldn't have to Google why does Coke have caffeine in it?
• 10:37
  I mean, just that's part of Coke.
• 10:38
  That's that that's kind of its thing.
• 10:40
  You know, it's like asking why the cars have wheels like
• 10:44
  the whole thing.
• 10:45
  And if you're worried about William Tecumseh Sherman,
• 10:49
  he's dead now.
• 10:51
  Wasn't a great guy in real life, but I don't think you have to.
• 10:54
  He's not a current threat.
• 10:56
  Address him specifically.
• 10:57
  I assume his name is Kevin.
• 10:59
  Like Kevin, he's already dead.
• 11:00
  Kevin, he's he's dead, but
• 11:04
  we thank you for in solidarity
• 11:07
  making up that that wanted poster.
• 11:09
  I assume you made it, but thank you.
• 11:13
  But welcome to questionable detour where we will make fun of you.
• 11:17
  So don't be weird out in public.
• 11:19
  Don't let us catch you.
• 11:21
  Fall in line with society.
• 11:24
  Always watch your back.
• 11:26
  Yeah, we're there watching and waiting.
• 11:29
  Oh, man. But let's do some hypotheticals.
• 11:31
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 11:36
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 11:39
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 11:42
  All right. So in the past, we have brought up hypotheticals
• 11:45
  where we ask what type of class would we teach?
• 11:49
  Assuming we are professors at a college.
• 11:51
  So today's hypothetical involves the situation of how would you handle
• 11:56
  being a substitute teacher at like a normal public high school?
• 12:00
  So a teacher is out sickness, pregnancy, and they call you in.
• 12:04
  You get the little phone ring is that you need to substitute 10th grade algebra.
• 12:07
  How do you go about being a substitute teacher?
• 12:10
  I think it's about asserting your dominance early and often.
• 12:13
  You don't want the kids to run over you.
• 12:15
  Yeah, as a substitute teacher, they're going to see you as kind of fresh meat.
• 12:18
  You know, the teachers out this fresh meat is coming in.
• 12:22
  Is that because is that because you want to be known as fresh meat?
• 12:26
  So you were you wear really short shorts and you walk in all leggy.
• 12:32
  Yeah, I wear like
• 12:36
  the meat gown, a meat gown, just a gown of freshly chopped ham.
• 12:42
  Oh, you wear turkey.
• 12:45
  You want to lunch meat fresh out of the deli.
• 12:47
  Are they attached to anything or they just kind of weirdly stuck to your body?
• 12:51
  It's a gown. It's all him together.
• 12:53
  But I like it to be known that I am fresh meat.
• 12:57
  And how progressive you to be wearing a gown.
• 12:59
  Yeah.
• 13:00
  In today's society, you can get away with anything.
• 13:04
  Like I said, you want to make sure even if you're fresh meat,
• 13:07
  even if you literally are a fresh meat, yeah, you are asserting your dominance.
• 13:11
  Absolutely early and often.
• 13:13
  So you don't get caught out by these little rats in the classroom.
• 13:16
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 13:17
  The first thing I do when I walk in in my fresh meat gown and short shorts
• 13:21
  with long, tender, but slender legs.
• 13:25
  Yeah. Well, St.
• 13:28
  I have a fire extinguisher in hand.
• 13:30
  I start spraying it.
• 13:31
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 13:33
  Because you're you're preemptively putting out the fire.
• 13:34
  I'm putting out all the fires that may arise in that.
• 13:37
  It's a that's just an attention getter.
• 13:39
  Really?
• 13:40
  Do you put the fire hydrants in the door and set them off?
• 13:43
  So when you walk in, it's like a fun entrance.
• 13:46
  Yeah. Well, yeah, I have like the smoke going behind me.
• 13:49
  Well, it's not really smoke, right?
• 13:50
  It's the fire extinguisher smoke.
• 13:52
  And then I have one in hand hosing down all the children.
• 13:56
  So you enter it like a high school basketball team. Yeah.
• 14:00
  Very high school basketball ask.
• 14:02
  And I'm kind of just hosing them down, covering them in fire retardant spray.
• 14:07
  You cover the what? The fire retards. OK.
• 14:13
  I don't know what that means.
• 14:15
  I covered them in fire retardant spray.
• 14:17
  And when you are covered in whatever comes out of a fire extinguisher.
• 14:21
  Yeah, whatever that is.
• 14:22
  You immediately look at whoever hoses you down and you say, you just saved my life
• 14:27
  because I was just on fire.
• 14:29
  Obviously. Why else would I be covered?
• 14:31
  Oh, that's true. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
• 14:33
  So I've already established my dominance.
• 14:35
  I'm the lifesaver in this classroom.
• 14:37
  I'm their source of life.
• 14:38
  So they can't really do anything to put me out of my high power in this classroom.
• 14:44
  Yeah, they can't dethrone you.
• 14:45
  And if they try, immediately call the police.
• 14:47
  Oh, my God. Yeah.
• 14:49
  I immediately call the SWAT team.
• 14:50
  What do you say? I say there's a SWAT team there.
• 14:52
  There is an active shooter in my classroom.
• 14:56
  The SWAT team doesn't need to know it's just verbiage, like with their mouth.
• 14:59
  Yeah, they're gunning for my position
• 15:01
  as head of this classroom, and I will not have it.
• 15:04
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 15:05
  So SWAT team breaks through the glass, the window storms through the door,
• 15:10
  holds the classroom at gunpoint.
• 15:12
  Yeah, absolutely. They need to find the active shooter.
• 15:14
  Yeah, exactly.
• 15:15
  You know, they start asking questions and I kind of kind of settle them down.
• 15:18
  I'm like, there's more of a metaphor.
• 15:22
  Which I bet that SWAT team leader loves to hear.
• 15:25
  Yeah, they have me explain it.
• 15:27
  And by the end of it, when I'm like, I have to be the dominant person in the position.
• 15:30
  I'm training these young minds.
• 15:33
  SWAT leaders like I get it.
• 15:35
  I was once in your shoes.
• 15:36
  You're very convincing.
• 15:37
  Of course, after the SWAT leader gets done yelling at me and whatever.
• 15:41
  Does that not take away from the dominance you've already asserted?
• 15:43
  Is that SWAT leader yelling at you?
• 15:45
  Well, that's when I come back in and I say, now, see, children,
• 15:48
  that's how you command a room.
• 15:49
  Yeah, they came here because I asked them to. Right.
• 15:52
  If you lead the leader, are you not the highest leader? Exactly.
• 15:55
  Now, once the SWAT team leaves and the kids are still covered in the anti
• 16:00
  fire foam from the fire hydrant, do you immediately start setting them on fire
• 16:04
  to show them they are fireproof? Sure.
• 16:06
  I have no problems with that.
• 16:08
  Is this the first time you've thought about this?
• 16:10
  Is this a good idea? I hadn't thought about it, but.
• 16:12
  Does this have anything to do with your thoughts on smoking?
• 16:15
  You're so against it.
• 16:17
  Is this how you go out of your way to make sure that those kids
• 16:20
  don't even go near a cigarette or any kind of lit flame?
• 16:22
  Well, that actually leads me into my next point.
• 16:24
  Oh, I also have Smokey the bear on speed dial.
• 16:28
  Is it an actual bear?
• 16:29
  Do you let a wild animal loose into the classroom and name Smokey?
• 16:35
  Here's Smokey.
• 16:36
  Now, would you consider an actual bear in a bear costume?
• 16:40
  Still an actual bear.
• 16:44
  He has a hat on the bear costume. We do.
• 16:48
  It's very cool.
• 16:50
  Everyone thinks it's just a person.
• 16:52
  It's just a mascot, but it's a real bear.
• 16:54
  What a surprise for them.
• 16:57
  And they start ripping a kid's arm off.
• 16:59
  They're like, it's not a person.
• 17:01
  It's so much cooler.
• 17:03
  You're like, this is like you told smoke kids.
• 17:06
  They're all running around the room in terror. Exactly.
• 17:10
  If you smoke, Smokey the bear will come.
• 17:15
  There's been, you know, there's not been enough forest fires lately.
• 17:18
  And Smokey is, you know, he doesn't have anything to do.
• 17:21
  So now he's turned into a juvenile cigarette users
• 17:27
  really cracking down on them.
• 17:29
  Yeah. And also might have rabies, according to how wild he is.
• 17:32
  But you let him into that.
• 17:35
  See, Smokey the bear is more of an idea.
• 17:38
  And that idea is murder anyone who creates fire. Yeah.
• 17:42
  Do you also use the fire extinguishers to create an entrance for him?
• 17:47
  You're like, we have a special guest and it starts playing that
• 17:53
  and all of a sudden you have this wild animal
• 17:59
  knocking over desks.
• 18:02
  The kids are screaming the first kid, he swipes.
• 18:05
  It has the John Cena music in the background.
• 18:11
  You're like Smokey the bear.
• 18:14
  Smokey kills Smokey.
• 18:16
  You're just on top of the desk, yelling that as the kids frantically
• 18:19
  run around the room, just trying to beat Smokey out of the room.
• 18:22
  Like, this is a bad idea.
• 18:25
  Oh, you see, it's a bad idea.
• 18:26
  OK, it wasn't your plan.
• 18:28
  Once kids start getting mutilated, it's gone too far.
• 18:30
  You have a line.
• 18:31
  Did you and Smokey ride to the school together?
• 18:35
  Yeah. Where did the bear come from?
• 18:37
  They did carpool.
• 18:38
  But that's just for economics.
• 18:40
  Yeah, it just made sense.
• 18:42
  And bears can't drive.
• 18:43
  So I didn't know he was so I mean, I know he was environmentally conscious,
• 18:47
  but carpooling.
• 18:48
  I didn't see that from him.
• 18:49
  I didn't know that was a talking point.
• 18:50
  We really just wanted it so we could use that lane on the interstate
• 18:53
  where you have to have like the HOV lane.
• 18:56
  Yeah, they have a high occupancy vehicle.
• 18:57
  Yeah, we had to really just trying to get through traffic easier.
• 19:00
  What are you and what are you and Smokey drive to school?
• 19:04
  We were in my 2013 Mini Cooper.
• 19:07
  Yeah. Packed in.
• 19:09
  Yeah. As everybody is that has ever been in a Mini Cooper, you're packed in.
• 19:15
  Close but comfortable.
• 19:16
  You know, that's our life.
• 19:18
  And it's all squished up against the windows, faces planted on the side
• 19:21
  of the window, probably wondering how much more space he would have
• 19:24
  if Smokey wasn't wearing a bear costume.
• 19:28
  Or he wasn't a 300 pound brown bear
• 19:32
  from the Appalachian.
• 19:34
  Oh, that's good.
• 19:35
  Number one, as a substitute teacher, you teach the kids a lesson.
• 19:38
  And that's not to smoke, I think.
• 19:40
  Yeah, sure. OK.
• 19:42
  I don't I think and that you're powerful. Right.
• 19:45
  Yeah, I'm basically Gandalf. OK. OK.
• 19:48
  And second, you made it memorable and lessons learned that are memorable
• 19:51
  will never leave you. Exactly.
• 19:52
  I want to be a substitute teacher that stands out.
• 19:55
  You don't want to be the substitute teacher that goes in and plays a movie.
• 19:58
  I don't want to leave crying. I want them to.
• 20:01
  Oh, that's good.
• 20:02
  Alan, substitute teacher Alan, how do you handle being a substitute?
• 20:05
  I also want to want to leave my students with memories when I leave.
• 20:11
  But also, I want to leave the faculty with something.
• 20:13
  I think what high schools and really any school in general lacks is a good bar.
• 20:18
  I think like a like a drinking bar. Yeah.
• 20:21
  Yeah, like the teachers lounge is kind of fine.
• 20:24
  But when you've had a rough first period, you know, it's nine a.m.
• 20:28
  But you're already shaking.
• 20:30
  You need, you know, to tip back some shots.
• 20:32
  You need to you need to go on down to the old high school bar
• 20:37
  when you're 15 and the teacher won't stop yelling at you.
• 20:41
  You need to blow off some steam.
• 20:43
  And, you know, it's a it's a great place, I think, for both teachers
• 20:46
  and students alike to bond, you know.
• 20:49
  What does your bar look like?
• 20:50
  Is it an old like Western saloon where everybody's kind of leaning over the bar?
• 20:54
  It's got, yeah, double double swinging doors.
• 20:56
  I mean, there's there's there's actually no tables in there.
• 20:59
  It is just a bar.
• 21:00
  That's that's all it is.
• 21:02
  It's awkwardly stand.
• 21:03
  Yeah, not a not a seat inside.
• 21:05
  Is there music playing or is it just kind of just awkwardly silent?
• 21:09
  It's yeah, there is there is music in there,
• 21:12
  but it is only the Shrek 2 soundtrack.
• 21:17
  How relaxing.
• 21:18
  What a way to blow off steam.
• 21:21
  Also, I enjoy the fact that you as a substitute teacher,
• 21:24
  a teacher that is not employed by the school, not really a teacher at all,
• 21:27
  goes into the teacher's lounge and immediately start criticizing.
• 21:32
  It establishes an entire facility.
• 21:36
  Yeah.
• 21:37
  When I when I walk into a room and I and I see something that I don't like,
• 21:40
  I like to go ahead and go ahead and immediately make that change.
• 21:43
  Right.
• 21:44
  I think that any second that that room is not what I want it to be.
• 21:48
  Is wasted time.
• 21:49
  Yeah, we're all going to die.
• 21:50
  We're a go getter.
• 21:51
  Let's not.
• 21:52
  Yeah, yeah, we're all going to die one day.
• 21:53
  Might as well make everything the way that I want it.
• 21:58
  So basically, you're going to die one day.
• 21:59
  That's really the mentality you come in with.
• 22:02
  I'm going to die one day and I hope when I go, it's going to be at my high school bar.
• 22:08
  I bet when you walk in and you have that backpack,
• 22:11
  a lot of the teachers might assume that it's books and study material.
• 22:14
  No, no, it's about 34 handles of Jack Daniels.
• 22:17
  Whiskey like you're already already walking in, ready to set up your your kingdom there.
• 22:22
  I'm pushing a grocery cart.
• 22:25
  You cleaned out the liquor store down the street.
• 22:31
  Yeah, yeah, I just I just kind of I just kind of tied that thing to the to the back of my
• 22:36
  vehicle and just drove it into school.
• 22:38
  I roll that grocery cart in there clinking and clanking around kind of like a if people
• 22:43
  didn't know that I was a substitute teacher, they might think I was a homeless man.
• 22:46
  Yeah, I also might be a homeless man, too.
• 22:51
  Substance teaching doesn't pay that much.
• 22:52
  Yeah, you know, you don't have other jobs.
• 22:55
  No, no, no. That's that's why I'm able to show up at such short notice to babysit kids.
• 23:03
  Now, do you follow the Western theme
• 23:06
  to the point where you do have high noon shootouts outside your your school bar?
• 23:11
  We do, but we have we don't just limit it to high noon.
• 23:14
  Well, you're flexible.
• 23:17
  I mean, that's only one a day.
• 23:18
  I might only be there for one day.
• 23:19
  Yeah, that's true.
• 23:20
  We do it every nine minutes.
• 23:23
  So you're just staying traditional with American schools.
• 23:26
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 23:28
  Just lots of shootings. Yeah, that's right.
• 23:31
  That's right. About every nine minutes.
• 23:34
  Well, you know, what we did is we just kind of we did a survey of what's
• 23:38
  what's happening in schools these days.
• 23:40
  And that was that was one of the guns were big.
• 23:43
  Apparently, everybody's got them.
• 23:45
  Sometimes they have an issue right now.
• 23:46
  It is a hot button issue.
• 23:48
  You are way on on that button. That's right. That's right.
• 23:50
  I said we need more guns in schools.
• 23:53
  Now, how far do you take this Western thing?
• 23:55
  Because I know a lot of saloons back in the 1800s.
• 23:59
  They had the piano guy over there.
• 24:01
  But then they also had, how do you say, womanly companions?
• 24:06
  Oh, women of the night.
• 24:08
  Yes. Yes. Where do you what do you land on?
• 24:11
  What do you learn?
• 24:13
  Just trying to figure out if this is
• 24:16
  filling it out.
• 24:17
  They're exploring the space.
• 24:18
  So it is Alan's head.
• 24:20
  And I and I'm glad that you guys brought this up,
• 24:22
  because I do want to go ahead and get in front of this before this gets
• 24:26
  misconstrued. We are anti prostitution.
• 24:29
  Oh, good. Good. Good.
• 24:31
  Pro gun and not afraid to say it either. Yeah.
• 24:34
  Strong. I feel very strongly about that.
• 24:37
  But that being said, you do have to have something to fill that void.
• 24:40
  So what we do is we hire in teachers to just read you books.
• 24:45
  OK. Yeah. You still you still have to you still have to pay them.
• 24:48
  Yeah. And they take you to a hotel room and they just they do take
• 24:51
  they do take you to a hotel room.
• 24:52
  They are strictly the classics.
• 24:54
  Nothing, nothing modern. They don't they don't do that.
• 24:56
  They're they're highbrow teachers.
• 24:59
  And then their eyebrows are very high on their forehead.
• 25:02
  Yeah. They're very surprised all the time.
• 25:04
  They're yeah, they're they're very highbrow because they shave off
• 25:07
  their regular eyebrows and then draw eyebrows on higher on their forehead.
• 25:12
  They look surprised. They are constantly they are always shocked.
• 25:18
  They make any boring book look interesting because they're like
• 25:21
  this thing is so surprising.
• 25:24
  I never guess what happens on the next page.
• 25:26
  You said you had to pay them to read to you.
• 25:29
  And that just like a teacher's job.
• 25:33
  I was a big proponent of teachers don't get paid enough.
• 25:36
  I think that like working for tips.
• 25:39
  Yeah. I think that, you know, it's kind of like how some teachers
• 25:42
  do tutoring on the side.
• 25:44
  Well, these teachers, they do reading on the side.
• 25:47
  Nice. Yeah.
• 25:48
  They'll take you to a nice hotel room.
• 25:51
  Tuck in.
• 25:52
  They tell. Yeah, they like tuck in light a candle.
• 25:55
  Not too many because it's not weird.
• 25:57
  And it's not a satanic ritual.
• 25:58
  And it's not a ritual at all.
• 26:00
  And they just they they sit down in that uncomfortable chair
• 26:04
  that's on the other side of the room.
• 26:05
  Nowhere near you because it's very above board.
• 26:07
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 26:09
  And the chaperone is also there.
• 26:10
  Oh, yeah. That's good.
• 26:11
  There's a there's another another student as well.
• 26:14
  Just make sure just to make sure nothing gets.
• 26:16
  Is there a chaperone for that student?
• 26:18
  Yes. And then a chaperone for that student.
• 26:21
  Every every student has a teacher.
• 26:25
  It's just a teacher reading a book to a kid in the bed.
• 26:28
  And there's 34 other students and others observe.
• 26:30
  Yeah. Make sure nobody's getting the lesson.
• 26:33
  Don't touch them. Don't touch them.
• 26:35
  Don't touch them.
• 26:35
  It's a bit above board here at the high school bar
• 26:39
  satellite campus hotel room.
• 26:43
  So it's the HS HS high school bar
• 26:46
  satellite campus hotel.
• 26:47
  Jesus. That's all the hibiscus.
• 26:51
  That's what they call it.
• 26:52
  The the hibiscus location with a better name.
• 26:54
  Couldn't come up with something like rhyme.
• 26:56
  Yeah, we're struggling to come up with this hypothetical.
• 27:01
  I mean, I think bottom line is that high school
• 27:03
  could probably use better alcohol.
• 27:06
  They should use they should use alcohol in general,
• 27:08
  but I'm sure if they have it there, they need better.
• 27:09
  Yeah, so turn turn your computer lab in or teachers
• 27:14
  lounge into a bar with a bar only and then have teachers
• 27:18
  on staff to go take you away and read to you.
• 27:22
  In dark hotel rooms, I think teachers are going to be a fan of you
• 27:24
  because you're getting them drunk and you're paying them more.
• 27:27
  Yeah, you're solving education with just this one.
• 27:30
  Get him to Washington, D.C. right now.
• 27:33
  And they still get three months off during the year.
• 27:35
  Yeah. So things are things are great for you, teachers.
• 27:38
  Quit complaining. We hear about it way too much.
• 27:42
  That's good. I really I think that's I think that's great.
• 27:44
  So here's what I do as a substitute teacher.
• 27:47
  I kind of went with the wild animal situation like Evan did.
• 27:51
  But mine mine is with mice.
• 27:53
  I'm going to bring my son.
• 27:55
  And what I'm going to do is I'm not really going to interact with the kids,
• 27:58
  but I'm going to play out crimes and court systems with the mice.
• 28:04
  So I'm going to have a mouse murder another mouse.
• 28:07
  And then he's going to get he's going to have a little police car with mice
• 28:10
  policemen in it and they're going to get out arrest them,
• 28:12
  maybe rough them up a little bit. But it's a white mice. So
• 28:17
  it's cool. Yeah.
• 28:18
  I'll throw them in the back of the cop car and, you know,
• 28:21
  you have the situation where he's going through prison and does a little mugshot
• 28:26
  where he's facing the camera, then turns quickly.
• 28:27
  It hits the side of the camera.
• 28:30
  Put them in a lineup. Yeah.
• 28:33
  Yeah. Put a little mice line up, you know, go through the court system
• 28:37
  and, you know, have a little have a mouse lawyer down there.
• 28:40
  And, you know, I'll make little seats out of popsicle sticks and stuff like that.
• 28:44
  And it's like a British court system.
• 28:46
  So the judge mouse will have like a wig.
• 28:49
  Sure. You know, like one of the curly wigs.
• 28:51
  You know, they'll go through it's a whole course.
• 28:53
  It's like a law and order episode, man.
• 28:55
  I have not acknowledged the kids once.
• 28:57
  I come in, I have written my name on the board and I have started this process.
• 29:02
  So there are kids in the classroom when this is happening.
• 29:04
  Yeah. It when it started, at least.
• 29:06
  Whether or not they're there by the end of it's a whole other question.
• 29:09
  I didn't notice them.
• 29:10
  Do you ever have the kids audition for roles in this mouse production?
• 29:15
  I had the theater kids are automatically try to jump on board.
• 29:17
  Yeah. The thesbians.
• 29:19
  Oftentimes they don't do a good job. They don't do accents well.
• 29:21
  All my mice have Arnold Schwarzenegger accents.
• 29:25
  That's tough. Yeah.
• 29:27
  I have a very specific image in my mind of what how my speak.
• 29:30
  And that's it.
• 29:31
  The mouse on trial gets judged in for in front of a jury of his own peers.
• 29:36
  And the judge brings down the cynics of execution.
• 29:40
  Well, I'm old school with my execution.
• 29:41
  I then build a guillotine out of popsicle sticks and a razor blade.
• 29:48
  And then we have like the old school, like medieval execution on my desk.
• 29:53
  There's a bunch of mice kind of surrounding this guillotine kind of on a platform.
• 29:58
  And, you know, there's a mouse with a mask on the executor mask on.
• 30:03
  And, you know, there's some mouse with a scroll reading off
• 30:07
  his crimes of treason, crimes for the crimes of petty theft.
• 30:14
  Very stiff laws in the mouse kingdom, you know, and that that executor pulls
• 30:20
  the the handle and off goes a little mouse head rolls right off the desk.
• 30:25
  And at the end on the whiteboard, you have like a created by Dick Wolf.
• 30:28
  Yeah, I actually have a wolf.
• 30:32
  And he's kind of a douchebag.
• 30:34
  So I'm going to say Dick Wolf.
• 30:37
  He was like a dick wolf, you know.
• 30:40
  Is it always just going to be mice?
• 30:42
  Or have you ever thought about maybe profiling certain animals to be criminals?
• 30:47
  I think as long as it's mouse size, so we can go as big as a guinea pig.
• 30:52
  OK, I'd say I feel like guinea pig is like, you know, the Italians, you know,
• 30:57
  they're there immediately.
• 30:58
  You know, well, Guinea is the slang term for them.
• 31:03
  So, you know, they could the guinea pigs could kind of be the organized crime
• 31:08
  of your of your world.
• 31:10
  I make I have like a little bowl of water and like you was swimming with the fishes
• 31:13
  and I make them toss another mouse into this bowl of water.
• 31:17
  Or you could go go the other way, where in this court of law,
• 31:22
  you have one of the defending attorneys be a mole.
• 31:27
  Well, there you go. Yeah.
• 31:28
  And he's kind of has the daredevil persona going on.
• 31:32
  Like, you know, he's he's in the court by day, but by night he's he's a crime
• 31:37
  fighter. Put him a little put on a little cape on.
• 31:39
  Yeah. Yeah. Push him off a filing cabinet. He doesn't make it.
• 31:45
  He's not real. He's not a real super hero.
• 31:48
  He's just he's just a mole playing a role.
• 31:52
  I put it on and you hear the splat.
• 31:54
  I go, gosh, I need to need another mole.
• 31:57
  I don't know what the kids learn from this.
• 31:59
  Maybe the court systems, maybe they get a little something extra, you know,
• 32:03
  learn how the judicial system works.
• 32:05
  Does it ever go too far and like you get to?
• 32:08
  Yes, the whole thing goes too far.
• 32:10
  I'd say, yeah.
• 32:11
  Do you ever get too deep into the mouse recreation of society
• 32:16
  that at the end of the day, the kids are the ones you're reenacting
• 32:19
  these judicial system with, but the mice are sitting in the kids seats watching.
• 32:24
  So you do like a switcheroo.
• 32:25
  Yeah, it's very animal farm.
• 32:29
  You got so deep into it, you couldn't tell what was reality.
• 32:31
  And you imagine a school administrator walking into the classroom
• 32:35
  once it hits that point, and it's just this wild eyed substitute teacher.
• 32:40
  And there's mice sitting in the desk.
• 32:41
  And I'm just about to execute a student.
• 32:48
  You haven't pulled the trigger yet.
• 32:50
  I turn around, I'm like, oh, it's on it.
• 32:51
  And yeah,
• 32:54
  like, here are the applause, sir.
• 32:57
  It's just the mice in the desk.
• 32:59
  Chittering. Yeah.
• 33:02
  I haven't gotten that point yet, but
• 33:04
  I'm slowly slipping into a state of psychosis that it might eventually.
• 33:09
  That's what I do.
• 33:10
  I don't I again, I don't know what students learn from it.
• 33:12
  Not there to it doesn't.
• 33:14
  It doesn't really matter what they what they learn.
• 33:16
  You're not there for the kids.
• 33:17
  I'm not there for the kids there to collect a very small paycheck.
• 33:22
  You're there for it with my one day's worth of money.
• 33:28
  But it's interesting that we talked about psychosis
• 33:30
  and we answered with the most psychotic answers in the world,
• 33:34
  because what it lends itself to is that we need therapy.
• 33:38
  Right. I mean, the three of us is wise, intelligent and as capable as we are.
• 33:44
  A little unhinged.
• 33:45
  I think it probably depends on depends on who you're asking.
• 33:48
  Yeah. Yeah. I've heard it both ways.
• 33:50
  The crazy person is never going to call themselves crazy.
• 33:52
  So let's go to get past that.
• 33:54
  But that leads us in the next segment.
• 33:56
  Let's do some therapy on each other.
• 34:15
  All right. Welcome.
• 34:16
  Welcome to our therapy lounge.
• 34:19
  Like last time we have a lay down chase lounge in here.
• 34:24
  It's dimly lit, but comfortable.
• 34:27
  And me and Evan are the therapist this time around.
• 34:30
  So we're in a tweed three piece suits have an air of arrogance about us.
• 34:34
  Pipe hanging out of our mouth.
• 34:35
  The pipe is hanging out of our mouth.
• 34:37
  And we're here to solve people's problems.
• 34:40
  And Alan is actually the person that needs therapy today.
• 34:42
  How are you doing, Alan?
• 34:44
  You know, things are tough.
• 34:45
  They've they've been better.
• 34:47
  Yeah, I've got I've got a lot of baggage.
• 34:50
  Well, how about you stop standing over by the door and come sit on the chase lounge?
• 34:53
  I didn't know this was for me.
• 34:54
  What did you think it was?
• 34:55
  I thought you guys had like a dog or something.
• 34:57
  Do you want to talk to the dog if the dog was here?
• 35:01
  This opens a whole new can of worms.
• 35:03
  Do you normally talk to dogs, Alan?
• 35:05
  Yeah. I mean, what?
• 35:06
  I'm just kind of waiting for the day they talk back.
• 35:08
  You know what I'm saying?
• 35:09
  OK, OK. They don't talk.
• 35:11
  That's an important distinction.
• 35:12
  They don't talk back.
• 35:13
  OK, come over here. Sit on the chase lounge.
• 35:14
  All right. All right.
• 35:15
  Comfortable. All right.
• 35:16
  Well, more comfortable.
• 35:17
  Just undo my belt here real quick.
• 35:19
  More comfortable.
• 35:20
  OK. Not more comfortable than that.
• 35:22
  Too comfortable. Too comfortable.
• 35:23
  Too comfortable.
• 35:25
  Well, as you know, Alan,
• 35:26
  Evan and I are world trained, classically educated therapists,
• 35:31
  and we're here to solve your problem.
• 35:32
  So why don't you go ahead and tell us what you're struggling with this week?
• 35:35
  I'm really glad you guys were available
• 35:36
  and you could make the time to meet with just a distraught,
• 35:40
  wrecked individual like myself.
• 35:42
  Yeah, we're charging $200 an hour.
• 35:44
  So really, we're we could be anywhere.
• 35:47
  Choose your words carefully. Yeah.
• 35:49
  So I'll just give you the overview real quick.
• 35:51
  OK, I have problems with impatience.
• 35:54
  I want absolutely nothing to do with bugs.
• 35:56
  OK, I can't stand romance.
• 35:58
  OK, yeah. Think that's enough.
• 36:00
  Keep going. I mean, I mean, so far you haven't overloaded us.
• 36:02
  They don't seem connected. We're going to dig in.
• 36:04
  I don't think this is going to help, but I am also obsessed with hospitalization.
• 36:11
  Your own or others?
• 36:12
  Just the subject in general.
• 36:15
  Well, I mean, he seems like a broken man, Evan.
• 36:17
  We knew that one.
• 36:19
  He's been holding back tears this whole time.
• 36:21
  If I can just say, fix me, please.
• 36:24
  Oh, Evan, what's easily the first step of therapy?
• 36:26
  I think really we need to ask, what was your relationship with your father like?
• 36:30
  My dad, shortly after I was born, he he went to Japan and he
• 36:36
  he went there because he wanted to live the samurai culture.
• 36:39
  And we haven't seen him since.
• 36:42
  Every now and then we'll get letters written in broken English.
• 36:47
  Could he write before he was very literate?
• 36:50
  OK, OK. He is getting so into the
• 36:55
  Japanese samurai culture that his language skills,
• 36:59
  his English language skills are regressing.
• 37:01
  Yeah, I see you have one of his letters there.
• 37:03
  Can you can you read off the letter?
• 37:06
  Yeah, he says, how awesome.
• 37:13
  You read it in his accent.
• 37:16
  I honor our family.
• 37:19
  It just sounds like a kid with a speech in bed of it.
• 37:23
  He sounds like a homescorer we talked about earlier.
• 37:26
  He just he just talks a lot about honor.
• 37:29
  Yeah, that's that's kind of all he talks about.
• 37:32
  He's he's where he's weirdly into it.
• 37:36
  This is just protecting, protecting our name, protecting our family,
• 37:40
  honor, dishonor, how he may eventually kill himself
• 37:45
  due to the Bushido code.
• 37:46
  Yes, so Poku. Yeah, he might support himself.
• 37:48
  But because because he's half American, does he call it?
• 37:51
  He might seducer himself and he's just solving puzzles with numbers.
• 37:55
  Yeah, yeah, he he's still he's still working on that language barrier.
• 38:00
  That's, you know, very tough for middle aged men to overcome.
• 38:03
  I'm going to go on the limb and say, you're probably your dad
• 38:06
  probably didn't go over to Japan to be a samurai.
• 38:09
  He probably went over and just lost all his money
• 38:11
  and now is homeless on Japanese soil and just kind of riding home.
• 38:16
  He's riding home in this broken English because he's too intoxicated.
• 38:21
  Just walking around with a kitchen knife instead of a
• 38:23
  instead of an actual samurai sword.
• 38:26
  He's wearing a hotel bathrobe instead of a traditional Japanese wear.
• 38:30
  He's talking about how his blade is swift, but it's just him chopping veggies.
• 38:36
  So I bet you feel pretty abandoned.
• 38:37
  I do. Yeah, it's it's you know, it's been tough growing up without a dad.
• 38:41
  But I know he's there. He might come back one day.
• 38:43
  Is that where your impatience comes from?
• 38:46
  Maybe you're slowly getting more impatient, waiting for your possibly
• 38:50
  homeless Japanese half American dad to come back.
• 38:53
  Very accurate. And yes, that is that is where the impatience stems from.
• 38:56
  I I've been wanting him to come back for some time now.
• 38:59
  Every time I get one of those letters, I feel like it's going to be him saying,
• 39:02
  I come home now.
• 39:06
  But it never, never does.
• 39:08
  And I think what will help you as a therapist here
• 39:11
  is to maybe every night around 12 o'clock midnight,
• 39:15
  go out with a gong and just and just bang it.
• 39:18
  Bang the gong. Yeah.
• 39:19
  And just and maybe that will give you some sort of connection to your
• 39:23
  your father and his half Japanese heritage.
• 39:26
  I think I think that's a great idea.
• 39:27
  I think that might kind of give you closure.
• 39:29
  Mm hmm. He was an entomologist, right?
• 39:31
  Yeah, he was. By trade. By trade.
• 39:33
  Yes, entomologist.
• 39:34
  Mm hmm. Just also stems from where your hatred for bugs comes from.
• 39:37
  Yeah, I can't stand him.
• 39:38
  I I was jealous of those bugs.
• 39:41
  My dad, when he was still here,
• 39:44
  spent so much time with those bugs. Yeah.
• 39:48
  He would come home and he would just walk through the door
• 39:50
  with a smile on his face and he'd look at the rest of us and it would just fade.
• 39:54
  Well, mostly because he learned all the scientific names
• 39:57
  for every one of those bugs, but did not learn your name.
• 39:59
  No, he just calls me son.
• 40:03
  And even then, he has to think about that.
• 40:05
  He looks at me and he goes,
• 40:08
  son, question mark.
• 40:11
  And because you were dresses as a kid, it was very hard to tell your
• 40:14
  I were a son or daughter.
• 40:16
  I wore a nice plaid bonnet on my head till I was 12.
• 40:21
  He said, he said, our daughter's boobs aren't coming in.
• 40:27
  And your mom's like, yeah, it's because he's a guy.
• 40:29
  He's a boy. He's like, I got to go to Japan.
• 40:33
  There's some bugs over there.
• 40:35
  So is there more with the with the bug?
• 40:41
  So your dad didn't learn your name, but he learned all the names of bugs.
• 40:45
  And I bet that was painful.
• 40:46
  Yeah, it was it was tough.
• 40:47
  And I think I finally got back at him, though.
• 40:51
  But it could be the reason why he left, you know, just a fun
• 40:54
  take your kid to work day.
• 40:56
  I went to work with my dad at the entomology lab and I just ate his bugs.
• 41:01
  Timon and Puma style. Yeah.
• 41:03
  Yeah, very Hakuna Matata.
• 41:06
  Yeah, very chill.
• 41:07
  Like what that song's about. Yeah.
• 41:10
  I was anything but chill.
• 41:12
  I was destroying my dad's other family.
• 41:16
  His insect family.
• 41:18
  And he was absolutely livid.
• 41:20
  He sent me home in a taxi and he went to the airport and flew to Japan.
• 41:23
  Oh, that was immediate.
• 41:24
  Immediately. He could.
• 41:26
  He couldn't take it anymore.
• 41:28
  He saw you like smack one mosquito on your arm and he can't do this.
• 41:32
  Well, that's not that's not the son I want or daughter.
• 41:35
  I'm not sure. Yeah.
• 41:39
  I've never changed the diaper on this.
• 41:41
  I hate you, son or daughter.
• 41:44
  So the bug makes sense.
• 41:45
  You hate bugs.
• 41:46
  Because they replaced you as your as your father's.
• 41:51
  The family that he really wanted.
• 41:52
  Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
• 41:54
  What are you obsessed with?
• 41:55
  Hospitalization. Let's get to that.
• 41:57
  Be quite frank with you. I just love them.
• 41:59
  I can't get enough of them. Hospital hospitals.
• 42:01
  OK. The amount of times that I have self harm just to get in there.
• 42:06
  And not I'm not I'm not slitting my wrist or anything.
• 42:10
  You know, not for attention.
• 42:11
  I'm just I'm like swallowing marbles.
• 42:16
  Oh, man.
• 42:17
  Sticking things in orifices.
• 42:19
  Well.
• 42:23
  If the shoe fits.
• 42:25
  The shoe fits.
• 42:27
  That's a whole other that's a whole other take on that saying
• 42:35
  precursor to our next segment.
• 42:38
  Yeah. Oh, man.
• 42:41
  I noticed you seem to have a lot less glass bottles laying around
• 42:48
  than you used to.
• 42:49
  You knew about his glass bottles before.
• 42:51
  Oh, he kept them around, you know, on the mantle.
• 42:54
  Weird that you never notice.
• 42:55
  I guess, you know, I guess I didn't.
• 42:57
  They were they were displayed for all to see.
• 42:59
  Why? Why are your glass bottles missing?
• 43:01
  Are they going up your butt?
• 43:03
  They're going up my butt.
• 43:04
  Are they going up your butt?
• 43:06
  We see that.
• 43:12
  I guess they're going up my butt.
• 43:17
  Not right now.
• 43:18
  Do it right now. Put your vest on.
• 43:35
  That are you recycling?
• 43:37
  Are you recycling your cycling?
• 43:39
  Thank goodness there was another option.
• 43:43
  Yeah, I'm huge on recycling.
• 43:46
  Oh, gosh.
• 43:48
  Oh, man.
• 43:49
  That almost took a turn for the worst, guys.
• 43:52
  I'm glad you're not as broken that.
• 43:54
  Oh, man. So the self-harm, you want to be hospitalized.
• 43:57
  You're always in there almost like a hypochondriac.
• 44:00
  Is that kind of the the way you take it?
• 44:02
  Like, I just I just love having somebody to come check on me.
• 44:07
  Yeah, I love to be able to press a button and have somebody there.
• 44:09
  I mean, it makes sense with your dad basically abandoning you.
• 44:13
  You always want somebody to check up on you.
• 44:15
  He did. Yeah.
• 44:15
  Sometimes they come in there with with food. Sometimes they don't go to good
• 44:19
  hospitals. No, no.
• 44:23
  They monitor who who can see me and who can't.
• 44:25
  Sure. You know, they're kind of like a gatekeeper for me.
• 44:28
  You know, like like a secretary sort of telling me you're long lost.
• 44:31
  Dad's here. I don't want to see him rather not.
• 44:35
  He's bowed a lot like he's doing a lot bowing out there.
• 44:38
  He seems honorable.
• 44:39
  So he's sitting cross legged on the floor.
• 44:40
  He's says he'll be levitating soon.
• 44:43
  He won't stop talking about honor.
• 44:48
  But that's interesting.
• 44:49
  It doesn't. You know, I think we got to the root of everything.
• 44:52
  I'd say I mean, well, there was the romance.
• 44:55
  Yeah. Yeah. You hate romance.
• 44:57
  You have a freight of intimacy.
• 44:58
  Is that because you pulled your pants down one time and they laughed at your willy?
• 45:04
  Now, that's probably a different issue.
• 45:06
  I think you. I think you read it wrong.
• 45:09
  It's I actually hate Romans.
• 45:11
  Oh, oh, yeah.
• 45:13
  Even 10 writing, he writes like a kid with Tourette's.
• 45:16
  I actually do spell Romans and romance the same way.
• 45:19
  So that makes a lot of sense when he goes to his wife and he's like,
• 45:23
  I would like some romance.
• 45:25
  His wife goes to the bedroom, comes back and Evan just in like a Roman
• 45:29
  soldier costume centurion uniform, spear and shield and hand.
• 45:35
  He's like, oh, what did you think?
• 45:37
  Phalanx formation. They're like, what's your favorite position?
• 45:43
  You're like the phalanx, obviously.
• 45:46
  Oh, no.
• 45:49
  Where were we?
• 45:52
  Where were we?
• 45:53
  Romance. Yeah, romance.
• 45:54
  Yeah. Evan's stupid handwriting, it made me misread it.
• 45:58
  So you hate the Romans.
• 45:59
  I think you famously say you wish they built it in a day.
• 46:03
  Or it looks like they built it in a day. That's how bad it is.
• 46:06
  You really hold it against them.
• 46:07
  I say you mean it took that long.
• 46:10
  You serious?
• 46:12
  Yeah, I mean, I get it.
• 46:13
  I would think you would hate the Japanese culture based on all your issues,
• 46:16
  but you might hate the Roman culture. That makes sense.
• 46:18
  Well, it's it's been ingrained into me.
• 46:20
  The Japanese are honorable people.
• 46:22
  I don't know if you ever heard my dad's big into it.
• 46:24
  Yeah, yeah, we have.
• 46:25
  We heard it right from the horse's mouth there.
• 46:28
  Oh, and I think a successful therapy session, though, right?
• 46:33
  Do you feel better, Ellen?
• 46:34
  Do you feel like you kind of know more about yourself,
• 46:37
  maybe how to handle these emotions?
• 46:38
  Yeah, I'm glad that we that we talk through a lot of these things.
• 46:41
  I don't know if we gave you any advice.
• 46:43
  I at least gave him the advice of go out and bang a gong.
• 46:46
  And that's not like an old lady.
• 46:48
  That honestly seems like if I do it the right way,
• 46:51
  that that could probably cure all my problems.
• 46:53
  I think a little advice that I would give to you here,
• 46:56
  just so you can take something away from me from this therapy. Sure.
• 46:59
  I think you need to find your father in Japan and have a samurai battle with him.
• 47:04
  Yeah. I think that's great.
• 47:05
  Seems like the next logical step, I think. Exactly.
• 47:08
  And just see who the winner is.
• 47:11
  Try to earn his honor or be Japanese traditional style or die.
• 47:16
  Yeah. Or die trying.
• 47:18
  So spend thousands of dollars to fly to Japan
• 47:20
  and have a knife fight with a homeless man that is your father.
• 47:23
  I think I might be able to finally overcome my severe daddy issues.
• 47:28
  I think so. And maybe if you're injured, you get to be hospitalized.
• 47:30
  I think it all works out.
• 47:31
  And as long as there's no Romans and Turians
• 47:34
  wandering the hospital.
• 47:36
  Well, God, I think that turns out to be a great evening.
• 47:39
  Gosh, we are the greatest therapist that ever happened.
• 47:42
  I just want to say one last thing to wrap this up.
• 47:44
  Go ahead. Honor.
• 47:46
  I barely know her. Yeah, there it is.
• 47:48
  Write that down. Write that down.
• 47:50
  That is the Peabees.
• 47:54
  Oh, but you're welcome, Alan.
• 47:57
  Well, thank you guys.
• 47:58
  I I will have to say, since I've been here, I have sweated a lot.
• 48:03
  And we don't have air conditioning, but this has been great.
• 48:05
  I'd love to love to come back next time.
• 48:07
  I have just a batch of problems.
• 48:09
  Yeah, I'm sure you will.
• 48:11
  There is no way we've gotten to the core of you.
• 48:13
  The multiple issues that you have need to be whittled down.
• 48:17
  Just looking at you, I can name three more.
• 48:22
  Tune in next time.
• 48:23
  Yeah, I guess that's that leaves plenty of content for the next therapy session.
• 48:28
  But what do you think, Evan? What do we got?
• 48:30
  I think on our next segment, we got a little special edition of What Do They Say?
• 48:34
  Yeah. Wait, wait. What do they say?
• 48:39
  What do they say?
• 48:41
  Wait, wait, wait.
• 48:44
  What do they say?
• 48:47
  We need to figure it out fast.
• 48:49
  All right, boys.
• 48:50
  Today, we got What Do They Say?
• 48:52
  And we got a special spin on it this week.
• 48:54
  OK, what we're going to do is so I'm going to give the boys two situations
• 48:59
  and they're going to give me one phrase that would apply in both situations.
• 49:03
  First one up here is when you see two animals mating at the zoo.
• 49:08
  Second situation is when you get really cold outside by a fire.
• 49:12
  Just because there's friction doesn't mean it's hot.
• 49:18
  That's very good.
• 49:22
  A little bit of movement goes a long way.
• 49:24
  My nipples are really hard right now.
• 49:37
  Just because it's really hot doesn't mean you want to be in it.
• 49:44
  If you get too close, it might become dangerous.
• 49:49
  One log is more than enough.
• 49:50
  If only I were six inches closer.
• 49:57
  All right. For our second set of situations, the first one is
• 50:01
  you just got a black belt in karate.
• 50:03
  Yeah. In the second situation of the second set is you see your grandmother naked.
• 50:10
  What can you say in both situations where you just got a black belt?
• 50:14
  You just got a black belt.
• 50:15
  You just got a black belt.
• 50:17
  You just got a black belt.
• 50:18
  You say in both situations where you just got a black belt and you just saw your
• 50:22
  grandmother naked that applies to either situation.
• 50:27
  It's an honor to be a part of this ancient tradition.
• 50:37
  I'm going to get some scars with this.
• 50:41
  This is going to do some damage.
• 50:42
  It's weird to see my karate master in here.
• 50:50
  So glad my dad was able to be here.
• 50:56
  Do I get a participation trophy for this?
• 51:02
  Can I actually punch something now?
• 51:03
  I'm glad I'm not the only one that's sweaty.
• 51:09
  Wait till my friends here.
• 51:13
  I've been training for this.
• 51:18
  There are way too many mirrors in here.
• 51:23
  There's still room for improvement.
• 51:24
  Imagine telling your grandma.
• 51:42
  Next set, situation one.
• 51:44
  You just finished a jigsaw puzzle.
• 51:46
  Situation two musician of the year.
• 51:50
  Run for two donut.
• 51:51
  Okay bueno.
• 51:52
  jigsaw puzzle. Situation two, your willy got caught in your zipper. Classic.
• 51:58
  There's so many pieces involved.
• 52:00
  It's all coming together.
• 52:10
  Why are there so many curves in here?
• 52:13
  I need to get my family in here to see this.
• 52:15
  I'm just going to leave this on the table.
• 52:22
  I need to take a picture of this to put on social media.
• 52:27
  Look at all the colors.
• 52:34
  This won't fit back in its packaging now.
• 52:37
  I think I might frame this one.
• 52:38
  I do this every Friday.
• 52:48
  Yeah, this is a weekend hobby.
• 52:50
  All right. Next one.
• 52:51
  First situation is you just received your high school diploma.
• 52:54
  Second situation is you're at a cockfighting ring.
• 52:56
  I was really hoping there'd be more chicks here.
• 53:01
  How do the Asians always win this thing?
• 53:03
  I'm the first one in my family to do this.
• 53:14
  This won't lead me to college.
• 53:19
  Just one decision away from being in serious debt.
• 53:22
  Can I take my cock out now?
• 53:34
  Next set. First situation is you and your friend go out wearing the same outfit.
• 53:38
  Second situation is your dad is gay.
• 53:42
  Why do you wear so many bright colors?
• 53:44
  One of us needs to change.
• 53:53
  Oh yeah, my mom didn't like it either.
• 53:58
  We just have bad genes.
• 54:03
  Oh, you got this one out of the closet too?
• 54:08
  We think just alike.
• 54:09
  All right. Next one. Situation one.
• 54:11
  Someone gives you a wet Willie situation to you get beat up by four homeless people.
• 54:15
  Why are they so wet?
• 54:19
  A lot of spit and sweat involved.
• 54:24
  It's the last time I hang out behind a Chuck E cheese.
• 54:31
  Well, there you go.
• 54:32
  We gave some wisdom to Alan a little bit earlier, but as traditional
• 54:36
  let's give some wisdom out to some Saturday workers. Evan, Alan, what do you all got?
• 54:41
  One-liner wisdom.
• 54:42
  You can frame a picture, but I think it's more important to frame people for murder.
• 54:49
  You say it on jail that way.
• 54:52
  Alan, what you got?
• 54:53
  You can always eat fruit by the foot, but isn't life more fun when you wear fruit on your feet?
• 55:01
  Lil' lane over there.
• 55:02
  Yeah. Wow. Dropping some lyrical poetry on us.
• 55:06
  Very poetic. There you go. Good wisdom.
• 55:09
  If you got a hypothetical you want us to answer,
• 55:11
  need advice from the three wisest people on the planet.
• 55:14
  Questionable detour podcast at gml.com.
• 55:17
  All right, guys, you want to be done?
• 55:18
  Yup.