Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 707: Why Avoidants Don't End Up With The Person They Truly Want

Transcript

Episode 707: Why Avoidants Don't End Up With The Person They Truly Want · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  Have you ever met someone who seems to want love, but runs the
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  moment it gets real? Or maybe you've been that
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  person, drawn to someone deeply, only to pull away when things
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  get serious? This isn't just cold feet.
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  This is the avoidant attachment style in action.
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  And today we're going deep into why avoidance rarely end up with
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  the person they truly desire and how they unknowingly sabotage
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  the love they crave. Hi, this is Lucia, but the art
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  of love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
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  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
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  contact army. Have you downloaded my app
• 0:43
  Silencio to help you stay in no contact?
• 0:46
  The link is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 0:50
  And if you too would like to join our army, all you have to
• 0:53
  do is hit the subscribe button and the bell notification and
• 0:58
  you're in. And to read our manual, go to
• 1:01
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:05
  you purchase the book. And if you're new here, drop a
• 1:08
  heart in the comments so I can personally welcome you.
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  OK, so avoidance. Don't marry or commit long term
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  to the person they're most attracted to.
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  Instead, they choose people who feel safe, people they like but
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  aren't in love with. And why is that?
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  Because intense emotions trigger their core fear, loss of
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  independence and engulfment. Love feels unsafe.
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  Vulnerability feels like a threat.
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  So they end up in relationships that are comfortable but
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  unfulfilling and often unfair to their partners.
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  So they unconsciously pick someone who gives a lot
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  emotionally but doesn't demand much in return, won't push for
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  deep vulnerability or future plans, allows them to maintain
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  emotional distance without conflict.
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  This feels secure to them, but it's a fragile kind of security,
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  one that avoids true intimacy avoidance.
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  Confuse safety or security with emotional availability.
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  They're drawn to givers, people who are emotionally generous,
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  patient, and undemanding. Why?
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  Because avoidance want to receive love without the
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  pressure to give it. Equally, they feel secure with
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  someone who asks little of them. No deep emotional conversations,
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  no expectations for future planning, no demands for more
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  time or intimacy. But here's the catch.
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  This security is an illusion. The avoidant isn't choosing a
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  partner they adore. They're choosing someone who
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  won't trigger their fear of engulfment.
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  The relationship stays surface level.
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  Minimum physical intimacy. Minimum emotional sharing.
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  It's a partnership. Partnership built on
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  convenience, not passion. The relationship might seem fine
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  until you ask for more. More time, more commitment.
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  More emotional openness. And that's when the avoidance
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  defenses kick in. Their brain screams danger.
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  This is getting too close and their instinct is to retreat.
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  But instead of communicating, they often engage in micro
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  cheating or emotional exit strategies.
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  And this can be something like flirting with someone else,
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  keeping a backup person on standby, pulling away
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  emotionally while staying physically present, withdrawing,
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  being distant, vague, noncommittal, start to talk to
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  someone else, or revisiting an ex.
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  They convince themselves that they're really not that into
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  you, even if days before they were.
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  And this isn't always conscious. It's a self protection
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  mechanism, their way of regaining control when love
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  feels too risky. It's about self preservation.
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  The backup person makes the avoidant feel safe, like they
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  have an escape route if the relationship gets too close.
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  But this behavior drains their primary partner, leaving them
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  feeling neglected and insecure. To an avoidant, secure love
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  doesn't mean deep connection, it means control.
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  Their ideal dynamic looks like this.
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  A partner who doesn't trigger their fear of engulfment.
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  Someone they like but aren't obsessed with.
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  Someone who tolerates their emotional unavailability or even
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  their micro cheating. A dynamic where they receive
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  love but don't have to fully give it.
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  But here's the problem. This is A1 sided relationship.
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  This isn't security, it's stagnation.
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  The avoidant feel safe because they're in control, but over
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  time their partner grows resentful.
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  The lack of true intimacy, emotional, physical and
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  spiritual, drains the relationship until it collapses.
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  The relationship fails because it's unbalanced.
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  The avoidant takes, the giver burns out.
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  The avoidance stays comfortable but lonely, wondering why they
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  never feel truly loved. And the cruel irony is that the
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  best partner for an avoidant is often the one who scares them
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  the most. Someone who triggers their
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  deepest fears of vulnerability, makes them want to open up even
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  if it's uncomfortable, challenges their avoidant
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  patterns. Someone who they feel intensely
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  about, which terrifies them. Someone they want to open up to
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  but don't know how. And someone who they're tempted
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  to love and not to give love to, but not just receive.
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  But instead of choosing this person, they often run towards
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  someone easier. Not because they don't want deep
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  love, but because the nervous system associates passion with
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  danger. Vulnerability feels like losing
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  control. So they self sabotage,
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  retreating to the safe partner who demands nothing but also
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  guarantees no real fulfillment. Now the good news is that
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  avoidance can have healthy, fulfilling relationships.
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  So if you're listening to this and you're an avoidant,
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  recognize that safety isn't to the absence of love, it's the
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  presence of trust. Therapy can help you tolerate
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  intimacy. Lean into discomfort.
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  The person who scares you the most might be the one you need.
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  And if you're dating an avoidant, you can't love them in
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  interchanging. They have to do the work
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  themselves. Setting boundaries is key
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  because you deserve a love that's mutual and not one sided.
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  Love shouldn't feel like you're always waiting for them to show
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  up, so don't confuse potential for reality.
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  They have to choose growth. Set boundaries.
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  You deserve reciprocity and ask yourself, am I giving up my
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  needs to make them comfortable? If you're an avoidant to
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  understand that your desire for love is real, your fear is
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  understandable, but the love you truly want is on the other side
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  of that fear. And if you love an avoidant,
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  remember, you can't fill a cup that refuses to open.
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  Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is walk away.
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  Not to punish them, but to honor yourself.
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  So if this resonated with you, let me know in the comments.
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  Have you experienced this dynamic?
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  Are you in this dynamic right now?
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  And if you would like my help to get your ex back, you can
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  contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
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  will send you the rates. They are not on the website.
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  If you found this video helpful, be sure to like, subscribe and
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  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 8:17
  podcast and you want to help the show, then just download this
• 8:20
  episode. And finally, remember, love
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  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.