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Q&A: How Do I Support a Partner Who Doesn’t Take Criticism Well? · D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM

• 0:10
  You're listening to the loving BDSM
• 0:12
  podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the
• 0:14
  only, the very sadistic and bratty, and my
• 0:17
  daddy, John Brownstone.
• 0:19
  And happy to be so.
• 0:20
  Which one? I'll I'll turn. All the above.
• 0:22
  Okay. Okay. Just checking. Just checking.
• 0:27
  So this week, we're answering a question from
• 0:29
  a submissive who negotiated a service for their
• 0:31
  partner
• 0:32
  because they seem to have more, air quote,
• 0:34
  willpower, but their partner doesn't appreciate the service
• 0:37
  that they've requested.
• 0:39
  Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're
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  new here, we help kinksters like you have
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  happy, healthy power exchange relationships.
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  Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app
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  so you never miss an episode.
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  And
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  we need your questions.
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  We are actually getting low on the pile
• 0:52
  of questions. Yes. So if you have a
• 0:55
  question about some scenario in your kink life
• 0:58
  or just something kind of in general and
• 1:00
  you'd like to get our take on it,
• 1:03
  please, please, please send your question in.
• 1:05
  There should be a link in the show
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  notes literally called ask your questions. Or if
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  you go to our website, lovingbdsm.net,
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  that's lovingbdsm.net,
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  there's a link in our, like, little menu
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  thing that, again, is called ask your questions.
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  It'll come to us. You can be anonymous.
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  We don't y'all have noticed. We're at 51
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  of these,
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  that we've done. Right. And we don't say
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  names. So
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  do not worry. We respect your privacy, but
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  we would love to answer your question.
• 1:32
  Okay. Let's get into it. Alright. My partner
• 1:34
  and I negotiated that I need to be
• 1:36
  the voice of reason and say no when
• 1:38
  he wants to make a financially or dietary
• 1:41
  bad choice.
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  I'm not a dom, but as a submissive,
• 1:44
  I always want to support him. Yet when
• 1:46
  I do, he sulks around and acts upset
• 1:48
  with me. As a submissive, it makes me
• 1:50
  feel like shit when he's moody like that
• 1:52
  and I'm the cause. But as his partner,
• 1:55
  I also feel frustrated with him because he
• 1:57
  does need help with money and healthy choices.
• 2:00
  He brought up in negotiations that I have
• 2:02
  more willpower and will need to be the
• 2:04
  one to say no when he wants to
• 2:05
  do something he shouldn't.
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  All this came from him and I'm happy
• 2:09
  to do it, but his reactions are making
• 2:11
  me feel like the mom of an angsty
• 2:13
  teenager instead of a partner.
• 2:15
  I'm feeling very frustrated and would like advice
• 2:18
  on how to talk to him about this
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  issue.
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  He doesn't take criticism well. And as his
• 2:22
  partner, I want to support him in making
• 2:24
  better life choices, but don't know how to
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  do so without continuing in this loop. Can
• 2:29
  I can I say the thing I told
• 2:30
  you before we started recording? Go. You you
• 2:32
  know, you you had some No. I will
• 2:34
  get to there. I just need to say,
• 2:34
  this question makes me very ranty because it
• 2:42
  And
• 2:49
  And if anybody heard it and you've had
• 2:51
  your own strong feelings, not alone. We're together
• 2:53
  on this.
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  I got feelings. That being said, what are
• 2:56
  your thoughts and feelings on this one? You
• 2:59
  know, as you're reading this, you know, there
• 3:01
  there are so many things that are just,
• 3:03
  like, popping out popping out. Mhmm.
• 3:06
  And I I don't know why, but towards
• 3:08
  the end of the question, I I kinda
• 3:10
  got caught on on the part of the,
• 3:12
  you know, that the partner does not take
• 3:14
  criticism well. I know. I know. Okay.
• 3:18
  And and you know,
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  when it comes to criticism,
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  I don't like it either. I don't think
• 3:23
  anybody does. I don't think anybody does. Okay?
• 3:25
  But you know what?
• 3:27
  If I if I need to be told
• 3:29
  that I am not in the right and
• 3:31
  I need to be doing something other, then
• 3:34
  I need to be told.
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  Mhmm. Okay?
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  And and, you know,
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  there
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  there there's
• 3:41
  bad criticism and then there's good criticism, constructive
• 3:44
  criticism. You know, that the constructive criticism is
• 3:47
  really
• 3:48
  the the best way to approach this rather
• 3:50
  than any other way,
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  but when someone is not willing
• 3:54
  to
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  accept things like that,
• 3:58
  can't tell me they're not ready to grow.
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  Yes.
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  Yes. They're they're not ready to grow. They're
• 4:03
  not open to to learning
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  new experiences, new things. Mhmm.
• 4:08
  In in this lifestyle,
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  in in any,
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  you know, whether it's
• 4:13
  kink or non kink,
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  you know, you you you should be able
• 4:16
  to have be able to do that. Yes.
• 4:19
  And I think there's a way to give
• 4:20
  criticism, because some people are going to be
• 4:23
  sensitive to perceived
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  criticism. Mhmm. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a thing,
• 4:28
  and it can be powerful.
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  But
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  we do have to all sort of come
• 4:33
  to a point where we can listen to
• 4:34
  honest feedback from a partner.
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  Yeah. You know, and
• 4:40
  I
• 4:42
  I I hate to say it, and I
• 4:43
  hate to put it this way, but this
• 4:45
  is what came to mind. You know, when
• 4:47
  they when they talk about how, you know,
• 4:49
  when they do
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  what they're supposed to,
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  and, you know, there are a lot of
• 4:53
  submissives that are asked to do things like
• 4:56
  this acts of service, you know, for the
• 4:58
  dom. Mhmm.
• 5:00
  You know, but when
• 5:02
  they call their partner, their dom out, howdy,
• 5:05
  and and and all this,
• 5:08
  sounds to me a little more like a
• 5:09
  man child.
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  Okay? I mean Sometimes.
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  Yes. Yes. Alright.
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  Sometimes.
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  You know.
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  But, you know, wow, there there there's a
• 5:20
  lot that's
• 5:21
  Mhmm.
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  Mhmm. Yeah. The intriguing thing to me is
• 5:25
  this missive who has sent this in does
• 5:28
  not identify their partner as the dominant in
• 5:31
  the relationship. So I wonder about how their
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  power
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  exchange is structured.
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  True.
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  Because the the
• 5:39
  the thing that comes to my mind is
• 5:41
  if this partner is proclaiming themselves a dominant,
• 5:46
  I am less than impressed with their dominance.
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  Not because you're supposed to be good at
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  it the moment you tried and not because
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  dominance don't have their own
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  things that they need to, like, reckon with
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  as part of their own personal growth. Of
• 5:57
  course. Of course. Of course.
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  But nothing in the telling of this, which
• 6:02
  of course is just from one perspective,
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  but nothing in the telling of this points
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  to
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  the partner who is not the submissive. Right?
• 6:10
  Mhmm. Taking responsibility
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  for anything that there's that is of theirs
• 6:15
  to take responsibility for. They have put it
• 6:17
  all on the submissive partner. That's true. And
• 6:19
  then is upset
• 6:20
  when the submissive partner does explicitly what they
• 6:23
  asked for. I know. I know. And, you
• 6:25
  know, I have been on both sides of
• 6:28
  that before.
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  In
• 6:31
  my previous marriage, which was quite vanilla,
• 6:34
  that partner and I went back and forth
• 6:37
  trying to do that. And so the feelings
• 6:38
  of resentment that
• 6:40
  the submissive is saying that, you know, their
• 6:42
  partner is is expressing,
• 6:44
  I recognize that from my own experience of
• 6:47
  feeling it, and I recognize it from seeing
• 6:50
  it and and having it happen to me
• 6:52
  outside of a power dynamic.
• 6:55
  The thing I learned about myself
• 6:57
  was that I
• 6:59
  I was making my partner the scapegoat.
• 7:03
  I wasn't ready to do a thing, to
• 7:05
  take responsibility for a thing, to make a
• 7:06
  change that I said that I wanted, and
• 7:08
  I didn't want to have to go through
• 7:10
  the hard part of,
• 7:11
  you know, changing Doing it. Patterns and behaviors
• 7:15
  and, you know, going through that, like, feeling
• 7:17
  of deprivation
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  that is temporary
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  when you can't have the thing you want
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  the moment you want it. Right? And so
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  instead of owning that,
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  I put all the blame and the onus
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  on my partner. Because either
• 7:31
  they were telling me no when I didn't
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  wanna hear it, and so I was upset
• 7:34
  with them for that. Or
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  I was letting them tell me no, doing
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  what they said, and then I was resentful
• 7:39
  because I wasn't having what I wanted, and
• 7:41
  I put the blame on them. Yeah. I
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  think based on
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  the way this has been described,
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  this is the thing I would un negotiate.
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  I would negotiate out of it for now.
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  Mhmm. That's the first thing. That's to me,
• 7:53
  that's the conversation that
• 7:54
  You know, you you said earlier, and and
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  I I think, you know, after hearing the
• 7:57
  whole
• 7:58
  that the whole question, what's happening,
• 8:01
  you know, I I don't think this person
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  is ready to make these changes. Because if
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  they were,
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  they would they maybe negotiate help and assistance
• 8:10
  as a service, but they would take as
• 8:12
  much ownership as they are capable of Right.
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  To make the changes. Yes. And then when
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  they are upset
• 8:18
  for not being able to do the thing
• 8:20
  that they used to do and the the
• 8:22
  uncomfortable feelings that that brings up. Yes. It
• 8:25
  is possible for a a mostly decent partner
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  to lash out. We are all capable of
• 8:30
  that.
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  But
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  they would not need to have it explained
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  gently to them
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  that you know what I mean? Like, it's
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  just there's a vibe in this question
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  that I'm just very unimpressed.
• 8:43
  Yeah.
• 8:43
  Very unimpressed. Yeah. I mean, I I I
• 8:46
  will give given this, you know, the the
• 8:48
  person they do seem to be self aware
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  that they,
• 8:52
  you know, have some issues when it comes
• 8:54
  to money, when it, you know, when it
• 8:56
  comes to some of the That's the thing
• 8:58
  I wish I knew more of. Do aren't
• 8:59
  they self aware? Mhmm. Or
• 9:02
  or have these been mutual conversations where
• 9:05
  this partner has gone, you know, here are
• 9:08
  some things I'm noticing or, hey. You've had
• 9:10
  that health scare, and here's a thing. Yeah.
• 9:12
  Or, hey. We're broke. We cannot spend this
• 9:14
  money.
• 9:15
  And
• 9:16
  you know what I mean? Like, I would
• 9:17
  be very curious as to where
• 9:20
  the conversation is coming from. Mhmm. But
• 9:22
  I I agree. I have brought up these
• 9:24
  things that I might want to change or
• 9:26
  do differently. Mhmm. And you have that intellectual
• 9:29
  logical side of you that's going, I know
• 9:30
  I ought to do this because if I
• 9:32
  make these changes, this could be better. Right.
• 9:34
  And then there's that emotional part of, but
• 9:36
  I don't wanna, and I'm not ready. Yeah.
• 9:38
  And so I'll give benefit of the doubt.
• 9:40
  Maybe the the non submissive is, like, no,
• 9:43
  no, no. I know I need to make
• 9:44
  these changes, but this is really hard. Yeah.
• 9:46
  I mean, you know, I'm I'm a little
• 9:48
  frustrated with myself, and and I think most
• 9:50
  people can can say this because, yes, change
• 9:52
  is hard. There are changes that I want
• 9:54
  to make.
• 9:56
  Mhmm. You know? And and I know what
• 9:58
  they are. Yep. Okay. I have everything put
• 10:01
  in place. Same. Same. Same. Okay. To to
• 10:04
  do the changes,
• 10:06
  but it's been like slogging through mud Mhmm.
• 10:09
  To, you know, to take those first steps
• 10:11
  to actually do it and implement it. And
• 10:15
  I would not come to you and say,
• 10:17
  I need you to hold me accountable for
• 10:18
  this. Yeah. That's I think that's the part
• 10:20
  that bothers me the most from a submissive
• 10:22
  perspective. Mhmm. Because if you did,
• 10:25
  my first question, knowing what I know now,
• 10:27
  is but how do
• 10:29
  what are the consequences from you if you
• 10:30
  don't do the thing you're telling me you
• 10:32
  want me to make sure you do? Like,
• 10:35
  what do I, what leg do I have
• 10:36
  to stand on
• 10:38
  if I do explicitly the thing you told
• 10:40
  me to do? Tell you no, say that's
• 10:42
  a bad idea, whatever, and you get upset
• 10:44
  and you don't do it, what does it
• 10:46
  even mean? It means nothing essentially. Yeah. It
• 10:50
  means nothing other than
• 10:52
  you know? And I'll say this because I
• 10:54
  imagine this would be the way with you.
• 10:56
  If the partner is, like,
• 10:59
  is a dominant, that's what they're trying to
• 11:01
  be in this power exchange. If it was
• 11:03
  you and I, as your submissive, was telling
• 11:06
  you no,
• 11:07
  even though you said you wanted me to,
• 11:11
  I hadn't met a dominant yet who,
• 11:14
  outside of consenting stuff, can handle being told
• 11:17
  no real damn well. Okay? We're not talking
• 11:20
  about consent issues and scenes and negotiating. No.
• 11:23
  But, like, to tell my daddy dom he
• 11:25
  can't have the thing he wants to have
• 11:27
  even though it's an ice cream cone and
• 11:29
  his mouth is all geared up for ice
• 11:30
  cream,
• 11:31
  I'm the bad guy. He would not handle
• 11:34
  it well. No. And that you know? No.
• 11:37
  If your partner was making the changes with
• 11:39
  your help in this way, I'd say, hey,
• 11:40
  it's working for you, keep doing it. It
• 11:42
  doesn't sound like it's working. And and I
• 11:44
  mean, you know, and that's the thing because,
• 11:46
  obviously,
• 11:49
  you know, as as much as I have
• 11:50
  put these things in place to to facilitate
• 11:53
  the changes I want to make in this
• 11:55
  particular aspect.
• 11:57
  Apparently, I am not ready Right. To do
• 12:00
  it.
• 12:00
  And that's the thing, I think that this
• 12:02
  partner is not ready. Right. So, you know,
• 12:06
  knowing that fact, it would totally be unfair
• 12:08
  of me to go to you or anybody
• 12:09
  and say, I need I need accountability. I
• 12:11
  need you to do this for me because
• 12:13
  I can't do it for myself. And, you
• 12:14
  know And here's the thing. I understand the
• 12:17
  logic of submissives who are going, but wait,
• 12:20
  I do that with my dominant partner. I
• 12:22
  say I can't I can't do this without
• 12:24
  help, and and they are willing to help
• 12:26
  me. 2 things. 1, you are in a
• 12:28
  position where you can,
• 12:30
  within negotiated and consented to means,
• 12:33
  handle a partner and want a partner to
• 12:35
  tell you no. That's part of who you
• 12:37
  are and what you want. 2, there are
• 12:39
  probably consequences.
• 12:40
  You can get mad all you want. You
• 12:42
  can get resentful. You can get pouty. You
• 12:44
  can get whatever. Yeah. But you know what
• 12:47
  based on whatever you negotiated,
• 12:49
  that there would be consequences.
• 12:51
  From the other side of the slash,
• 12:53
  that's it's not impossible to negotiate. That's entirely
• 12:57
  possible to negotiate. Wait. I'm gonna do this
• 12:59
  thing you asked me
• 13:01
  to do, but when you get pissy about
• 13:01
  it, what's what does this mean? Right? Yeah.
• 13:03
  But that's a lot more complicated, and that's
• 13:06
  got to come from a person who can
• 13:08
  handle criticism,
• 13:09
  who can hear things they don't wanna hear.
• 13:11
  And regardless of the reasons why this person
• 13:14
  cannot handle that, that means it's not a
• 13:17
  good mix where for where they're at right
• 13:19
  now to put this onus on their submissive
• 13:22
  partner. That's true.
• 13:23
  Now here's the thing. You asked for, how
• 13:25
  do I talk to to my partner? Okay.
• 13:27
  Here's the thing.
• 13:28
  I would go into it not expecting
• 13:31
  your partner to just see the light because
• 13:35
  you're gonna tell him something. Okay?
• 13:37
  The other thing I would say is
• 13:41
  focus on how you feel and what
• 13:44
  the things that are happening are doing to
• 13:46
  you.
• 13:47
  Partly because on
• 13:49
  on if on any chance rejection sensitive dysphoria
• 13:53
  or anything like that
• 13:55
  impacts his ability to handle critique.
• 13:58
  It is sometimes
• 14:00
  easier to take in, I feel this way.
• 14:03
  I want to do this. I don't wanna
• 14:05
  do this. Instead of going, you. You make
• 14:07
  me feel this way. They don't make you
• 14:08
  feel any way. You feel your feelings. You
• 14:10
  did this.
• 14:11
  If a person can't handle criticism, they really
• 14:14
  can't handle the you statements and those aren't
• 14:16
  usually helpful. It's then when you get into
• 14:18
  this sort of pissing contest of no I
• 14:20
  didn't, yes you did, mm-mm.
• 14:22
  Keep it
• 14:23
  personal and I statements.
• 14:26
  I have experienced this. I feel this way.
• 14:29
  I don't like this. I, you know, I
• 14:31
  don't feel like your partner. I feel like
• 14:33
  your mom. Right? Like, those kinds of statements
• 14:35
  go in with that
• 14:37
  now. If your partner is willing to hear
• 14:40
  you
• 14:41
  and have
• 14:43
  a good constructive conversation,
• 14:45
  and y'all can find modifications
• 14:47
  to this agreement that work for you both,
• 14:50
  great. That's wonderful.
• 14:53
  If, however,
• 14:54
  they either can't can't even validate your own
• 14:57
  fields. Validation does not mean agreement. It just
• 15:00
  means I see you. I hear you. Your
• 15:02
  experience is true to you
• 15:04
  even if I don't like it. Even if
• 15:06
  I, you know, think you're wrong. If they
• 15:08
  can't validate
• 15:10
  your feelings,
• 15:11
  and they can't handle hearing
• 15:13
  that their actions have brought up these feelings
• 15:16
  in you. Right?
• 15:18
  Then the thing to do is to to
• 15:21
  negotiate. That's not a thing I'm doing for
• 15:22
  you anymore. It's to withdraw consent on that
• 15:25
  service. Because that service isn't really a service.
• 15:28
  It's a responsibility being pushed back on you
• 15:31
  by a person who is not yet ready
• 15:33
  to take the responsibility
• 15:34
  themselves, and it is going to harm your
• 15:37
  relationship. It's going to you're already feeling resentment.
• 15:40
  You don't feel like a partner. You feel
• 15:41
  like somebody's mom. Like, that's Yeah. That
• 15:45
  That's That that's these volumes. That that's these
• 15:48
  volumes right there. Yeah.
• 15:50
  Yeah. So
• 15:52
  I that's that's how I would approach the
• 15:55
  conversation. Be prepared to to shut it off.
• 15:58
  Focus on how you feel and what you're
• 16:00
  seeing and what you're experiencing.
• 16:02
  We know that you're only feeling and experiencing
• 16:05
  it because of the actions that your partner's,
• 16:07
  you know, exhibiting,
• 16:09
  plus whatever stuff you've gone through in your
• 16:10
  whole life that contributes to your feelings. Yeah.
• 16:12
  Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
• 16:14
  But don't in order to hopefully get him
• 16:16
  to hear you,
• 16:18
  keep it to
• 16:19
  I, me. This is what it's doing to
• 16:22
  me. This is how I feel. This is
• 16:23
  what I'm experiencing.
• 16:24
  Focus on that and then gauge. Can you
• 16:27
  handle this? Can you validate? Can we have
• 16:30
  a maybe not a one and done in
• 16:32
  one conversation, but over time, can we have
• 16:34
  productive conversations about this? Can we find a
• 16:37
  new middle ground?
• 16:38
  Can
• 16:39
  your partner accept responsibility for the part that
• 16:42
  they're playing and all this or the part
• 16:43
  that they're not? You know? I
• 16:46
  gut feeling is they're not ready to make
• 16:48
  these changes, and they don't want the responsibility
• 16:50
  for them. And
• 16:53
  being a human requires responsibility, but responsibility is
• 16:56
  the name of the fucking game in dominance.
• 16:58
  Yeah.
• 16:59
  And a dominant who cannot accept responsibility for
• 17:02
  themselves
• 17:03
  is not going to do a very good
• 17:05
  job as a dominant in general. Because how
• 17:07
  do you accept responsibility for another human being
• 17:09
  if you cannot handle the responsibility
• 17:11
  of yourself. That doesn't mean you're gonna be
• 17:13
  perfect at it. It doesn't mean you're not
• 17:14
  having your issues. It doesn't mean maybe you
• 17:15
  don't need some therapy
• 17:17
  and some, like, relearning how to move through
• 17:20
  the world.
• 17:21
  But the core of it is a sense
• 17:24
  of responsibility. And on these issues,
• 17:27
  as of right this second, it does not
• 17:29
  sound like your partner is ready to take
• 17:32
  on the responsibility No. At all.
• 17:35
  And now I'm very hot and sweaty and
• 17:37
  probably very flushed.
• 17:42
  That was a, a lot to go.
• 17:45
  Yep. It was. It was.
• 17:47
  Thanks for listening to this week's q and
• 17:49
  a episode. If you want us to answer
• 17:50
  one of your questions, just use the contact
• 17:52
  page on our website at lovingbdsm.net,
• 17:55
  or you can find the link in the
• 17:56
  show notes. Big thanks as always to our
• 17:58
  kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to
• 18:00
  do this podcast and keep it going and
• 18:02
  help kinksters due to your support. If you'd
• 18:04
  like to be part of our community and
• 18:06
  get access to extra content and a Discord
• 18:08
  server with a group of super cool, super
• 18:09
  nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join
• 18:11
  us at patreon.com/kayla
• 18:13
  lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
• 18:16
  lords, or use the link in the show
• 18:25
  notes.