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Breaking Girl Code: Secrets Women Share About Sex · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to my sexy menopause body.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Menopause isn't something to run.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's something to own with strength, confidence.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, sexiness.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because menopause doesn't mean anything into the background.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: It means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Hey there and welcome back to this episode of MySexy Menopause Body.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Kim Nicholson, and today I'm breaking girl code.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, I said it.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: A girl code that lives in, you know, those whispered conversations between close friends.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes those conversations happen in late-night text.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes there's giggles and sometimes there's tears.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: And usually there's some wine involved somewhere along the line.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm dragging it out into the daylight because we need to talk.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: So this episode is inspired by my soon-to-be-released book, 24 Hours of Foreplay.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: And it is a collection of over 100 interviews that I have had with women.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, some of it is raw and messy.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: But they are real conversations with friends and women just like you.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: And today, yep, I'm spilling the tea.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: I hope I have some friends left after this, and I hope I have some friends left once the book is published.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: But guess what?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not naming any names, of course.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: But the truths, oh yeah, I'm sharing them.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: So we're asking this.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Let me ask you, why do we find it so easy to tell our girlfriends about what turns us on or what breaks us down or what we crave or what we fear?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: And yet we have a hard time to saying those things to the person we are involved with, your spouse, your partner, whomever.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: We have a hard time opening up those conversations with them.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: So this is not about blame at all.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: So let's get over that.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not this is not about blaming anybody.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: This is about, you know, being honest with ourselves and empowering ourselves.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: And once we get honest, you know what?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Things can change.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so I got a true story to tell you.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: So this is one of the stories that I have in my book, and it's true, it actually happened.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: So here we are.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think it was a Friday night, and a bunch of my girlfriends and I are out at this restaurant.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: We're sitting at this cozy corner table.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: I think we had like a still a half-eaten cheese board left.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, several wine glasses were empty, and then boom, my friend, I'm gonna call her Nancy, drops this bomb out of nowhere.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: She says, you know, I don't even want him to touch me anymore.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I did.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: And do you know what really happened?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: The room didn't go silent, it erupted.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, my other friends, some were saying, wait, I thought I was the only one who thought that.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Or, oh my gosh, same here.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Or someone saying, honestly, sometimes it feels like such a chore.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: And suddenly the secret started pouring out.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: I we were they were talking about fantasies, disappointments, awkward confessions, and yet even some tears.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, I sat there thinking, these are really good women, women who adore their husbands' partners, and yet these words have never crossed the threshold of their own bedroom.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Why do we find it so much easier to talk to our girlfriends and not our husband about these things or your partner?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: So, why do we open up to women first?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: So let's be real here.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: There's a reason why we spill it to all of our girlfriends first, and there's research to back this up.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: So I have found that studies in, I think it was the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships show that women share more deeply with their friends because they feel it's safe.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: No one's grading you as you tell them your secrets or your fantasies, and no one's pulling away.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: They want to listen.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: And intimacy, real intimacy, it's not about sex.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to say that again.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Real intimacy is not about sex, it's about feeling seen.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: And when you tell your best friend, I'm exhausted and I don't feel like myself anymore, and you know what she does?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: She leans in and says, Oh, I know, I've been there.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know what happens to us?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Our body relaxes because we feel understood.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: But here's the kicker.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: So talking to your friends, unfortunately, is just not enough.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: It feels good at the moment, right?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, it does, but it's not going to change your sex life, it's not going to deepen your connection with your partner.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: That safe circle of friends is where you can rehearse, practice, say the scary words out loud.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: But until you bring those words to the person you're actually sharing your bed with, nothing's gonna change.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: So here's what I want you to do.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Here's what we're going to do.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna practice and then we're gonna take it home, right?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: So, first, yes, you know, start with a girlfriend you trust.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Pick someone who gets you.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we all have at least one of those type of friends who really gets us and who will hold your confidence until you're ready to say it to your husband or your partner.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: So you can say something like, hey, I've been thinking about how I show up in my relationship and I want to practice saying some things out loud.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: Do you mind just kind of listening to me and seeing what it sounds like when I say it?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to hear, I just want to hear myself say it.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: So say the things you've been holding in, and then let her, your friend, respond.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then let yourself feel what it's like to say those words without shame.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's kind of like the warm-up, right?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: So, but and hear me on this: it's never going to change until you talk to your partner.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, you can rehearse this a couple times, just say it out loud.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: It feels good to say it out loud, see what your girlfriend says back to you.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: But unless you're gonna talk to your partner, things are never gonna change.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Your girlfriend can't fix your your sex, your problems, your fantasies, your whatever.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: They can't.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: They can't fix your marriage bed.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Your girlfriend can only make you feel, you know, like you've been heard.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: And your girlfriend cannot make you feel that desire that you want to at home.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, these are things that you need to communicate to your spouse.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: And only you can do that by starting the conversation where it counts.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I know, I know it feels terrifying.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: So let me give you some scripts.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, these are actually words to try.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of dropping a bomb, you know, mid-argument, you gotta pick a neutral time.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: So say it at the right time, okay?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: And you could say something like, Hey, there's something that I've been thinking about, and I want to share it with you because you know what?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: You matter to me.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's a great intro, right?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Kind of puts everything into, you know, a neutral space.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Or you could start with like a positive truth, like, I love you.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, I want us to feel even closer.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Or of course, that kind of opens the door, or here's another one.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what, lately I've realized that I've been holding back in the bedroom, and I want to talk to you about it.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, keep your tones soft, but stay curious.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're not accusing, and you're you're just basically inviting, you know, or here's another one.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, can I tell you something?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: I've only ever told my best friend, I think it could help us.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Uh he may not like the best friend part, but you know, it's honest.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: If you feel comfortable with it, use it.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And if these words are too hard, write them, write them in a letter.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Or you could even text them, you know.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: I've been too nervous to say this, but I want to feel closer to you in every way.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Can we talk tonight?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Or text them, you know?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: It could be a big turn-on.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: So now, but here's the other piece.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: This is a piece what women really need before sex.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: So the other piece is we've been sold this lie at foreplay is what happens five minutes before we have sex.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Nope.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Foreplay starts way before that.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And there's research to back it up.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Research shows that women's desire is responsive and it grows when we feel safe, valued, and connected.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, things that my husband does in the kitchen, it just starts my whole day off right.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, a quick kiss in the kitchen, or sometimes uh, you know, a hand on the small of your back, or an unexpected hug, or somebody, your your husband saying to you, you know, you looked amazing in this morning.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, these are not fluffy things to say, these are things that create that spark.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: So these are tiny moments.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: And can you imagine having these tiny moments all day long that build that fire that burns at night?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's awesome.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: And when you finally sit down with your partner and say, hey, here's what I need to feel desired.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: You're not just changing your sex life, you're changing your entire connection with your husband or your partner.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: So, all right, here's your call to action.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Here's your challenge this week.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: So, tonight or tomorrow, grab a cup of coffee, grab your wine, glass of wine, and with that friend you trust, and practice saying one truth out loud.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Just one.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: Feel, you know, feel how your body reacts when you say it out loud.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes when you say things, you know, inside your head, you feel one way, but when you actually say it out loud, it feels different.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: And practice it.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Then here's the big one.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Pick a time with your partner.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Do not wait for the perfect moment because there's never going to be the perfect moment.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Just look them in the eye and say, you know, I want to feel closer to you.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Can we talk about that?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, if you have a glass of wine, it's gonna be easier to say that.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna feel awkward though.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: I will I will tell you it probably will feel awkward, but that is okay.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: You are being brave here.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: And on the other side of that conversation, that's where deeper intimacy lives.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where we want to get to, right?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: So breaking girl code isn't about betraying your girlfriends.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think I'd betrayed my girlfriends.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not telling you the real names, right?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just telling you, I'm taking that raw and that honest energy, and I'm bringing it to where it matters most at home.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because the truth is your girlfriends can cheer you on, but only you can start the conversation that changes your relationship.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: You deserve a connection that feels alive, you deserve intimacy that feels like home.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: And all of this, guess what?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: It starts with a conversation.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: First with yourself, then with your girlfriends, and then finally with the person you love.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: So this is Kim Nicholson from My Sexy Menopause Body.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Go have those conversations because you know what?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: You've got it.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's all new the beginning.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is your time to own your power.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Rewrite the rules and show up unapologetically.