Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / You Don't Need To Be Rich Or Super Hot Or Tall To Find Women... Obviously

Transcript

You Don't Need To Be Rich Or Super Hot Or Tall To Find Women... Obviously · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Dr. Psych Mom Show.
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  Today we're going to be talking about why you do not need to be
• 0:12
  rich or hot or tall or any of these things that guys on the
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  Internet say you need in order to find a love interest.
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  And before we get to that, please do subscribe.
• 0:23
  My most recent subscriber episode was similar myth
• 0:26
  debunking and this time on the honeymoon stage And why it's not
• 0:30
  a bait and switch but rather a discrete phenomenon that happens
• 0:35
  with biological and hormonal and all sorts of it happens for
• 0:41
  biological and hormonal and all sorts of reasons and is not
• 0:44
  something that is conscious malevolent decision by women to
• 0:50
  have and then not have anymore. And so you should definitely
• 0:53
  listen to that as well as 131 other episodes.
• 0:57
  So anyhow, so when I was posting my social media post, my videos
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  on TikTok and Facebook and what have you, I got all these men
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  who say that there's all the studies data shows that 80% of
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  women only swipe on the top 20% of men.
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  And that's the only reason that I think that men can do well
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  after divorce is because I work with wealthy people and you
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  know, basically every, like all these guys can't find anybody
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  and they're so lonely and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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  Well, you know, this, this, really, I mean, it makes me
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  think, like do these guys not leave that house?
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  You know, I mean, do they not go out and see what couples
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  actually look like in the real world?
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  Like do they see constantly like that, these, like that, that
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  there's a massive looks disparity such that the average
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  looking woman that found her partner on the dating app is
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  with like the hottest man in the world because that's the only
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  one that she would go for. And then by some miracle, he
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  goes to her. No couples look similar.
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  They come from similar backgrounds.
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  They have similar looks. This is what assortative mating
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  is. You know it.
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  That means that like goes to like, it's social homophily.
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  It's it's people go toward other people who are similar to them.
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  This was and also a man who wants a relationship is always
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  going to be able to find a woman.
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  Women like relationships. Women like love.
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  Men like love. Human beings like connection.
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  But women especially like to be in in committed relationships,
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  you know. And so if a man is offering,
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  being in committed relationship, then he's going to find a taker.
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  Now what may be happening is that the man is not getting, you
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  know, exactly the woman of, you know, his his fantasies.
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  You know, when he's on the dating apps, maybe he could
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  still find a woman that he's attracted to.
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  When I work with younger guys, I say okay.
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  Well, what's the, you know, sometimes they even rank the
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  women, you know, like the 10s don't talk to me.
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  The Nines don't talk to me, Right.
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  And I say, yeah, but who are you attracted to?
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  What number and up are you attracted to?
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  And they're like six or seven. I'm like, well, that's then who
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  you should be swiping on. So it's certainly not only women
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  that can be picky, everybody can be picky.
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  And of course we discuss, you know, the limitations of viewing
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  women on a numerical scale, obviously.
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  But but the the point here is everybody wants to find
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  somebody. Human beings have a deep need
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  for connection. The one thing that can really
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  screw with people is being judgmental and negative, which
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  is literally the thing that these guys are doing and the way
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  that they're acting on the Internet, right?
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  So then that has to be how they act in real life.
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  If that's if they're spending a lot of their time yelling at
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  women on the Internet that they're wrong and that most guys
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  you know are going to die alone, then one would imagine that
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  they're not super positive in their regular life.
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  So if you are a negative kind of guy, then you're not going to
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  find love because women don't want to be around the soul
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  sucking person, just as men don't want to be around very
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  negative women. Everybody likes confidence,
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  everybody likes somebody who's positive.
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  Everybody likes somebody who thinks that they have something
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  to offer. So it doesn't matter the income.
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  You know when I used to work, I used to accept insurance,
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  obviously the beginning of my career.
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  You don't just start out as self pay.
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  And it was guys were paying like 20 bucks for therapy and they
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  were doing well with women. I mean, not like, it depends, I
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  guess, what you think I was doing well with women.
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  Were they sleeping with a brand new hot model every night?
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  No. Could they find somebody to be
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  in a relationship with that they enjoyed being with?
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  Yes, this is a big like if a man wants a relationship, if a man
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  wants a committed relationship, he can always find somebody who
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  wants to be with him unless there was something actually
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  wrong with him. For example, being super
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  judgmental and negative about women, that would be something
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  wrong with you. Same kind of thing with women.
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  When I have a whole podcast, female dating cynics, men don't
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  only want young supermodels, like because there are women
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  that say the same kind of thing, like exactly the same thing that
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  they go on the apps and they don't find anybody good and it's
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  terrible. And that's because, you know,
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  there's no good guys out there and all the good guys that there
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  are just one young basically supermodels again, do you go out
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  in the world? Do you go to, like, you know,
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  anything at a restaurant, a festival, anything?
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  And do you see couples? There's not tremendous looks
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  disparities between people. Every guy that drives up to go
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  out to eat or goes to the mall is not driving up Bentley.
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  You know, people want somebody who's similar to them.
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  I talk about this all the time with a Mago theory, You know,
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  sure, like if you're standing in front of your yacht in your
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  dating app picture, there's a lot of people who are going to
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  be interested. Same as if you're, you know, for
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  a woman, if you're if, if you're literal modeling headshot is is
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  your Tinder picture, you're going to get a lot of interest.
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  But most people are not those people. 72% of people have been
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  married at least once of adults, right?
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  And I think that was even between 25 and 54 maybe.
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  I mean, if that's the case, most people aren't rich.
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  Most people aren't unusually attractive definitionally,
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  right? Because that's the large
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  majority of people. So the large majority of people
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  can couple up. So what if you find yourself
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  going down these rabbit holes? Who would go down these rabbit
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  holes and and and like research all the reasons that they're
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  never going to find a partner? Somebody who has very low self
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  esteem and was raised in a depressive negative home.
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  I've talked about this a lot. If you grew up in, you know, a
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  place where there was a lot of negativity.
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  If the environment that you grew up in was a lot of negative
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  depressive world views with, you know, the other gender talked
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  about very badly by the other. You know, like with with like
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  let's say like you're a woman with a mom who like thinks that
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  men are all dogs. Or you're like a guy with dad
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  who thinks that women are just gold digging bitches.
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  Well, guess how you're going to start to think about the world,
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  you know? And if you have a parent with a
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  negative view like that, then guess what?
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  They didn't have a very good marriage.
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  Because if they did, then that worldview would have been
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  challenged. And it's chicken or egg because
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  if they went into things with that worldview, then they're not
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  going to end up being happy. So, you know, the point is
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  people who have these conceptions about the world
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  generally tend to have been raised in very dysfunctional
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  homes, seeing unhappy marriage. So really all they're saying is
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  basically I had an unhappy marriage as the template for
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  relationships. It doesn't matter.
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  There's so many people of all income brackets that find love.
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  It doesn't matter. All heights.
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  Find love. All body shapes find love.
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  Is it easier when you're like a A a man who's like super tall,
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  super wealthy and good looking and charming?
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  Yeah, obviously. I mean, no shit, but you know, I
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  mean, obviously. But can a man who is not those
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  things find love? Of course, look around you.
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  Most people are by definition, most people are not in the top
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  1510 or even 20%, right? 80% of people aren't in the top
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  20%. Yet most people can find
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  somebody and those statistics aren't even the people who are
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  dating. That's just who gets married.
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  So 72% of people have been married. 90 something percent of
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  people have been in a relationship, you know and and
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  and have had sex and have had romantic experience, etcetera.
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  It is very, very rare to find somebody who is an adult who
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  wants to have romantic experience but somehow has not
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  ever been able to. It would be somebody who, again,
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  is is just consistently turning people off.
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  And that isn't because of anything with their looks or
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  their their income. That's because of their
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  attitude, right? They're at there's something
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  wrong with how they're relating because people want to connect.
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  They want to bomb. They want usually to have a
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  partner at least at some point in their life.
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  And so since since there are men and women who are trying to
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  connect with one another, at some point if you're putting
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  yourself out there enough that you're going to find somebody
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  And all the guys that I've worked with from working at the
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  VA in Charleston all the way through now and I'm a self-paced
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  psychologist. And and in between when I
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  accepted insurance and then remember like there are other
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  people that I write, that I engage with that are on the list
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  serves that are other therapists many of whom accept insurance
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  and work in much different areas.
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  Because I'm just saying this because of the whole wealthy
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  thing where people said well you know, like maybe your clients
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  specifically can afford you. So therefore that it's different
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  for them. But why would there be couples
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  therapists then like you know, who are like treating people in
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  poor areas? How did those guys manage to
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  land a woman? Of course they could land a
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  woman. You know, you just have to
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  respond to somebody who's like something similar to how you
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  were raised. It's a Mongo theory.
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  Honestly, if your father that you loved as, let's say you're a
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  woman and your father that you loved was a blue collar worker,
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  I've seen this all the time, even if you even if you wanted
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  to date a rich guy. But that even if that seemed
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  like a good idea, you're going to be subconsciously drawn to
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  somebody who's probably in show a very similar profession to
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  your father or the same income bracket or has the same interest
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  and the same the same personality, which would mean
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  probably the same occupation or the same the some sort of
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  similarity, right? And I see this, you know, a lot
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  with people is that they end up if they did love their parent,
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  then they end up marrying somebody a lot like their
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  parent. So since most of everybody isn't
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  rich, that most of everybody is not attracted to that.
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  It's like a nice to have. But if but that person, the
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  person who went to boarding school and then went on to like
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  be have a career as God knows what a neurosurgeon, that's not
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  who you're going to be deeply attracted to.
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  If you're a woman who did was not raised like that.
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  That could be cool. That could be good.
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  But it's the same thing with men and models.
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  So if they saw, yeah, it's great to have a hot woman, right.
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  But if they love their mother and they had a good happy
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  upbringing and they saw their mother was not a model, she was
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  pretty sure. So whatever level of pretty
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  pretty she is is probably the level of pretty that they're
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  going to be drawn to instinctively.
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  And same personality, same type of, you know, again, occupation,
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  etc, etc. So many men tell me things like
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  this. My mother was a nurse, then I
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  married a nurse. My mother was a teacher, then I
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  married a teacher. That's not coincidence.
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  That's a mongo theory. You know, you're drawn to
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  something that's similar between your caregiver and your your
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  later intimate attachment figure.
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  So really think about it. You know if you have been
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  somebody who's been telling yourself there's no point to
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  dating because all that the other gender wants is you know
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  this, you know super specific high criteria on how then are
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  all of these other people happily coupled.
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  It's you got to interrogate your your cognitive biases and that's
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  what therapy can help with. Hopefully you can do it a little
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  bit, you know, from listening to the podcast or post or what have
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  you. But the reality is most people
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  are not wealthy. Most people are not drop dead
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  gorgeous. Most men aren't super tall.
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  Most women aren't super skinny. So how the hell then do they all
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  couple up you know or a large portion of them.
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  And the reason is because people are not as shallow as negative
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  people, would have you believe. Negative people who were trained
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  to be kind of paranoid about intentions and really trained to
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  be quite misanthropic, and they hate people in general.
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  Those are the source of people. You know, because, you know,
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  everybody talks about misandry or misogyny.
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  It's really misanthropy, you know?
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  It's very rare that somebody will have a bias only against
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  one gender when you really examine it, they fucking hate
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  everybody. You know, they they hate
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  everybody because you'll talk to a guy who hates women on the
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  Internet, right? I try not to, but they comment
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  on my stuff. And then if you dig, just
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  scratch the surface just a little bit, they'll be like, And
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  most guys are assholes too. And you know, I mean, it's just
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  like a general negativity. Of course some people just hate
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  one gender. But most people, if you hate one
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  gender, you kind of hate everybody you know and you hate
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  yourself most of all. The low self esteem is projected
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  outward. And then you assume that
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  everybody just sucks because you think you suck because you were
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  trained to think negatively about yourself from an unhappy
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  home where other people thought negatively about themselves and
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  about their partner and about everything in general.
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  So I encourage you to take an alternate perspective.
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  If you're going down some rabbit hole, if nobody should even be
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  dating, because who even cares? And you know, somehow 80% of
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  women are coupling up with 20% of men.
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  How does that work? Think about it.
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  How does that work? Do you think that 80% of women
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  stay single? No.
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  People go to somebody similar to them.
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  If you want to be in some better bracket of women change your
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  attitude. Sense of humor and like a a
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  charming confident personality goes such a long way.
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  You know and I talk about this in my podcast Are you too
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  judgmental to find love And my podcast about find your value on
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  the dating marketplace. The one thing everybody can
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  change is to do internal work and be more easy going open
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  minded, confident, happy, cheerful, positive.
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  I'm not saying that's easy, it takes a lot of work, you know,
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  but that unlike your height, unlike your breast size, I mean
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  I guess you know, obviously change your breast size.
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  You could possibly change your height via some kind of surgery,
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  but I mean the the easier one where you don't have to engage
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  in a surgery is to change your attitude.
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  Your attitude may be, unfortunately, the thing that's
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  stopping you from finding success.
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  And when I work with people at all through the years on their
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  dating profiles and things like that, you know, sometimes it's
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  coming off a little more negative than you think.
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  Or sometimes your interactions are more preoccupied attachment
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  than you think you know. So you you really want to work
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  with somebody or at least talk to a friend, a trusted friend?
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  Say how am I really coming off when I'm talking to people?
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  Because sometimes it's not so great, sometimes that negativity
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  is really obvious. So if you are not doing well
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  with Internet dating, I would encourage you to think about how
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  you are communicating because sometimes it's really not great
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  and it's really obvious that you have low self esteem and kind of
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  a negative world view and ain't nobody wants to get close to
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  that, you know? So anyway, I hope you guys
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  enjoyed this and are getting something from my podcast.
• 16:36
  And if you like my podcast, you should be in my Facebook group.
• 16:39
  It's only 499 a month, so and it has lots and lots of people,
• 16:43
  over 425 people now and more by the time you hear this.
• 16:49
  And it's a lot of smart people and great conversation and a lot
• 16:52
  of people that are divorced and dating or, you know, married and
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  either happy or not have. I mean, there's all kinds of
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  people. There's divorced people, there's
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  remarried people, there's married for the first time
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  people, there's some single people, etc, etc, etc.
• 17:07
  And of course more engagement with me.
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  All right, talk to y'all soon. Have a great day guys.
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  Bye, bye.