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The Sweet Spot Of Your Strengths With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Everyone, It's Cully here and welcome to you this week's
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  Speaker 1: Mojo Monday. So most of us are really good at
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  Speaker 1: focusing on what's wrong with us, so our flaws, our weaknesses.
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  Speaker 1: And if you've ever sat in a performance review and
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  Speaker 1: let the praise wash straight over you while you brace
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  Speaker 1: yourself for the areas of improvement, you know exactly what
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  Speaker 1: I mean. We really hold onto that gap and we
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  Speaker 1: tend to sort of not focus and let go of
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  Speaker 1: the good stuff. So this week I want to talk
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  Speaker 1: about a different way of looking at yourself, and one
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  Speaker 1: that comes straight out of the research on character strengths,
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  Speaker 1: and it starts with dropping the language of strengths and
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  Speaker 1: weaknesses altogether. So the idea is that we have twenty
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  Speaker 1: four character strengths. And this research has come from quite
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  Speaker 1: a few psychologists, including Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson, and
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  Speaker 1: it shows up across cultures and across history, so things
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  Speaker 1: like kindness, curiosity, honesty, perseverance, appreciation of beauty, self regulation.
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  Speaker 1: And the interesting part about these twenty four characteristics is
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  Speaker 1: you don't have some of these and then lack others.
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  Speaker 1: You actually have all twenty four. What's happened is you've
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  Speaker 1: developed them to different degrees. So rather than thinking of
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  Speaker 1: yourself as someone who is strong in this area and
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  Speaker 1: weak in another area, you can think of these as traits.
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  Speaker 1: So some of which you've had a lot of practice
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  Speaker 1: in and others which you've practiced far less. So let's
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  Speaker 1: take a real example. So you might be someone who
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  Speaker 1: feels things deeply and notices beauty everywhere, someone who's kind
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  Speaker 1: is the first thing that other people mention about you,
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  Speaker 1: and yet you find it genuinely hard to regulate your
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  Speaker 1: emotions when you're stressed out or when you're tired. The
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  Speaker 1: old story says that you have two strengths and a weakness.
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  Speaker 1: The kinder and kind of more accurate story is that
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  Speaker 1: you've developed warmth and sensitivity to a high degree. An
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  Speaker 1: emotional regulation is a trait you simply haven't grown as much,
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  Speaker 1: and traits can be grown. We can train ourselves and
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  Speaker 1: practice to develop these traits. And then there's another layer
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  Speaker 1: to this that I have found really useful, and it
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  Speaker 1: comes from the work that has come out of the
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  Speaker 1: Via Institute, which I'll talk about a little bit later.
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  Speaker 1: But a strength isn't just something that you have a
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  Speaker 1: lot of or a little of. It's something that you
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  Speaker 1: can actually use too much of, or use it too little,
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  Speaker 1: or just write for the situation that you're in. So
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  Speaker 1: let's let's look about kindness for a moment, because this
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  Speaker 1: is one of the most commonplaces where this beautiful strength
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  Speaker 1: quietly it kind of tips into something that can cost us.
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  Speaker 1: So if you picture someone whose kindness is genuinely one
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  Speaker 1: of the best things about them, they are the person
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  Speaker 1: who always says yes. They are the one holding everything
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  Speaker 1: together for the people that they love, doing things for
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  Speaker 1: their family, anticipating what everyone needs before anyone has even
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  Speaker 1: thought to ask, and somewhere along the way, their needs
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  Speaker 1: have kind of slid quietly to the bottom of the list.
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  Speaker 1: So from an outsider, it looks like generosity, and of
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  Speaker 1: course it is. But when kindness runs without a pause,
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  Speaker 1: so when it aris automatically before you've even checked whether
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  Speaker 1: you have anything left to give, it stops being an
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  Speaker 1: informed choice that you're making and starts being more of
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  Speaker 1: a reflex You can't switch off. And sorry to use
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  Speaker 1: that metaphor that we all have used with our kids,
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  Speaker 1: but the kindness drains your bucket. That kind of kindness
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  Speaker 1: leaves you feeling depleted, and a bucket that is always
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  Speaker 1: pouring out and never being refilled eventually runs dry. So
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  Speaker 1: if you do relate to this, the answer isn't to
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  Speaker 1: become less kind. Your kindness is doing really good in
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  Speaker 1: your world and it's worth keeping. But what does help,
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  Speaker 1: and the research backs this is bringing another trait alongside it,
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  Speaker 1: so the whole thing kind of comes into balance, So
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  Speaker 1: a little self regulation. So there is a pause between
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  Speaker 1: maybe the request and the answer of yes, just long
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  Speaker 1: enough to ask whether this one is truly yours, to
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  Speaker 1: carry a little courage, so that when you do say no,
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  Speaker 1: you let it. You let it there, You let it
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  Speaker 1: stand there without immediately rushing in to soften it or
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  Speaker 1: to make up for it somewhere else, and perhaps most
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  Speaker 1: of all, turning some of that kindness inward to you,
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  Speaker 1: because you are already so fluent in care, you give
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  Speaker 1: it away so beautifully all day long. And the practice
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  Speaker 1: here is simply aiming a little of it back to
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  Speaker 1: yourself and treating your own well being as something worth
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  Speaker 1: protecting too. And it works the same with others as well.
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  Speaker 1: With these other traits, and I want to call them
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  Speaker 1: strengths and weaknesses, they're traits. So let's take honesty, so
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  Speaker 1: overused it become bluntness that can hurt people, or courage
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  Speaker 1: if underuse, may look like staying quiet in a meeting
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  Speaker 1: when you knew that you could have spoken. So even
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  Speaker 1: the traits you are the proudest of need calibrating, and
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  Speaker 1: the goal is never simply more, it is the right
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  Speaker 1: amount in the right situation. So the research is really
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  Speaker 1: clear that one of the most reliable ways to feel
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  Speaker 1: better is to take the strengths you already lead with
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  Speaker 1: and find these fresh ways to use them. So it's
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  Speaker 1: not about hunting down your lowest trait and focusing on
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  Speaker 1: that and finding you know that you need to get
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  Speaker 1: yourself into shape. It's more about leaning fully into what
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  Speaker 1: you do well and then generally noticing where you might
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  Speaker 1: be over using a strength in a place that doesn't
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  Speaker 1: need it, or under using one that could be really
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  Speaker 1: useful in your life. So here's something to think about
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  Speaker 1: this week. Where might you be overusing or under using
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  Speaker 1: a strength and which trait if you developed it just
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  Speaker 1: even just a little bit, or maybe softened it just
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  Speaker 1: a little, would make the biggest difference in your life
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  Speaker 1: right now. So if you would like to see your
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  Speaker 1: own twenty four strengths or traits laid out in order.
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  Speaker 1: The via Character Strength Survey is free, takes about ten minutes,
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  Speaker 1: and you can find it at via character dot org.
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  Speaker 1: And I think it really is a genuine lovely way
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  Speaker 1: of holding the mirror up to yourself, and it tends
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  Speaker 1: to surprise people at just how accurate it is. So yeah,
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  Speaker 1: give that a go and you can see maybe where
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  Speaker 1: you are under using or over using certain strengths. So
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  Speaker 1: have a great week everybody, and I'll catch you next week.
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  Speaker 1: See ya.