Latest / The Psychology of Relationships / The Science of Strong Partnerships: Why Relational Intelligence Matters From Early Dating To Years In w/ Dr. Adam Bandelli

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The Science of Strong Partnerships: Why Relational Intelligence Matters From Early Dating To Years In w/ Dr. Adam Bandelli · The Psychology of Relationships

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[SPEAKER_02]: I'm Julie Craftscheck, and I'm UASU.
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[SPEAKER_02]: This is the Psychology of Relationships.
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[SPEAKER_02]: True connection in a relationship comes from more than shared interests or when romance feels exciting.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It comes from the skills and attention we bring to everyday interactions and how we engage, listen, and relate.
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[SPEAKER_02]: In this episode, we're joined by Dr. Adam Bandelli, psychologist and expert in relational intelligence.
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[SPEAKER_02]: to explore why mastering this skill is essential for building deep meaningful connections.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Relational intelligence is the ability to understand, communicate with and emotionally connect to your partner in ways that foster trust safety and growth.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Dr. Bandelli breaks down the five course skills that support relational intelligence.
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[SPEAKER_02]: explaining why building rapport, empathy, and attenement often matter more than surface level chemistry.
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[SPEAKER_02]: These skills aren't just for new couples, they shape how relationships evolve over months and decades.
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[SPEAKER_02]: When both people actively cultivate these skills, relationships become more resilient, satisfying, incapable of weathering life's inevitable challenges.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Remember to subscribe to the Psychology of Relationships on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen.
1:17
[SPEAKER_02]: And if this episode gave you practical insight into building stronger connections, we'd love to hear from you through a rating or review.
1:25
[SPEAKER_02]: This is the Psychology of Relationships, and you're listening to an episode that just might change the way you show up for love.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Enjoy!
1:35
[SPEAKER_03]: relational intelligence.
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[SPEAKER_03]: What is that about?
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[SPEAKER_03]: We've talked about emotional intelligence, we've talked about positive intelligence.
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[SPEAKER_03]: Now we have relational intelligence and it's important for us to understand what that means.
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[SPEAKER_03]: So thank you for joining us Adam.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm also pleasure to be here.
1:53
[SPEAKER_01]: We're so happy to have you.
1:55
[SPEAKER_03]: What is relational intelligence?
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[SPEAKER_00]: So, relational intelligence, we define it at our firm as the ability to successfully connect with people and build strong, long-lasting relationships.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so relational intelligence is comprised of five skills on both of them in a moment, but these skills are skills that people can learn, they can practice and work on.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So, it doesn't matter if you're an extrovert or an introvert, it doesn't matter if you enjoy trying new experiences or you like to kind of have the status quo and do what you normally do.
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[SPEAKER_00]: These are behaviors that people can practice and learn from.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Before we go into the skills, because we are 100% going to go there, we definitely want to learn the skills.
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[SPEAKER_02]: What is the difference between relational intelligence and EQ or emotional intelligence?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Is it the same or is there a difference?
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[SPEAKER_00]: No, there are two totally different concepts.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So, EQ is really most likely often defined as the ability to understand your emotions, the emotions of others, and how to manage emotions effectively.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so what we found out, I started doing research on EQ about 25 years ago when Daniel Goldman first came out with his book in 1995.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it set me on this path over the 10 years of my kind of educational and graduate work to really dissect EQ.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And what we found in the research is that leaders, people, dating personal relationships can use emotions to inspire or to draw a connection with people, but they can also use emotions to manipulate you see Mackey, Eveline, or narcissistic type of people.
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[SPEAKER_00]: They could instill feelings.
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[SPEAKER_00]: and others.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So when we came to that conclusion that there's a dark side to EQ, my colleagues and I said, well, there probably is a group of skills or group of behaviors that people can practice at work or personally that help them to build long-term successful relationships, the things that make marriages last, the things that make leaders move up through organizations.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so that led me to do my doctoral work and ultimately my dissertation on relational intelligence.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So EQ in and of itself, it plays a role in one of the five skills because you have to understand your emotions and read out those emotions when you're building relationships, but it's just one piece of the bigger puzzle of relational intelligence.
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[SPEAKER_02]: I know relational intelligence expands beyond EQ.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But we hear EQ is one of the most important things I'm looking for in a partner.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Even more than IQ in some cases.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Why do you think like EQ and then relational intelligence larger is so important in partnerships?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so I mean, I think to really understand and know yourself, you have to know how emotions impact you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so EQ is critical in building relationships because they're going to be times when stress or pressure hits any relationship, but work a personal relationship.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And if you can't understand why you're feeling the way you're feeling, I have some close colleagues now, one of them is going through a divorce, and it really was a breakdown of communication where his wife,
4:26
[SPEAKER_00]: and just couldn't communicate and get on the same page when they had problems or fights.
4:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I have other people, I was just visiting my family down in Virginia this past week, my niece is in nephews, watching my brother and his wife, like partner on how they navigate when the kids of misbehaving or when they have to do something important as a family.
4:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, understanding your emotions and knowing how to manage them is important.
4:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Relational intelligence is even more critically important than EQ because it's about how do you build a long-term dynamic relationship with your partner?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so,
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[SPEAKER_00]: early stages of dating, the things like building rapport, which is one of the skills is really critical.
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[SPEAKER_00]: As you get into a relationship, developing trust becomes the most important factor.
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[SPEAKER_00]: There has to be a unconditional trust that exists between you and your partner, and then one of the most powerful skills of relational intelligence is cultivating influence.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And that's the ability to have a positive impact on someone else's life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And you would expect your life partner, your husband or wife, your spouse, would want the best for you and want to bring out the best of you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And so with that piece, relational intelligence, when people practice this, they're able to help support their spouses or their partners and help bring out the best of them.
5:25
[SPEAKER_03]: Um, and I'm sorry to see this parallel.
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[SPEAKER_03]: I know you work with mostly with business leaders and I get it now because companies are so focused on acquisition of new talent that retention's becoming a problem.
5:36
[SPEAKER_03]: Right.
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[SPEAKER_03]: So when you have the influence and the relationships built within a company, you retain your employees more, but in a relationship same thing,
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[SPEAKER_03]: starting a new relationship.
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[SPEAKER_03]: How do I DTR?
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[SPEAKER_03]: How do I get this person to like me back?
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[SPEAKER_03]: But the retention of that relationship is something that we are now turning our focus on.
5:58
[SPEAKER_03]: And that's a great thing.
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[SPEAKER_03]: But our listeners are saying, I'm giving up on dating.
6:02
[SPEAKER_03]: I've tried and it's not working for me.
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[SPEAKER_03]: I'm giving up on dating.
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[SPEAKER_03]: So why should I care about working on my relational intelligence when I'm not relating to anyone?
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[SPEAKER_00]: So it's finally all I've both of you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I've been single now for a year and most of the women that I've gone on dates with have said to me, I wanna find a man who's not emotionally unavailable.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And when I unpack that with women and we talk through it, it has bits and pieces of authenticity as bits and pieces of trust.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It has bits and pieces of managing their emotions when they're angry or frustrated, but it's going on dates when they meet narcissists and men that just like to talk about themselves.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I think there's a lot when you think about emotionally available and what that looks like.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That kind of ties into a lot of what relational intelligence focuses on, too.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Especially for men who like to show off what they have, they like to impress women, and they have very little humility.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I've seen it in the clients I work with, I see it in friends family.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's hard for a man to be vulnerable.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I think if a man is going his own skin, he's authentic.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If he can be vulnerable and again, you don't have to share dark secrets about yourself, but
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[SPEAKER_00]: Talking about lessons learned as you get to know a partner.
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[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to tell them about all your great successes.
7:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe there's something more powerful from what happened positively or negatively in your life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I saw this quote on AskMen.com about a couple of weeks ago that most partners on hinge when they're first going on dates, about 85 to 90% of them, want to date someone who is open to therapy or has done therapy.
7:17
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So again, that's fascinating.
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[SPEAKER_00]: 10 years ago, there's still a stigma around mental health and therapy.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's the little better now that it was, but to see people in dating relationships, value that and want that is important.
7:28
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, we did this episode.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It was an article called the Rise of Lonely Single Men.
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[SPEAKER_02]: It started to get viral and we did talk about, you know, how it's hard for men to be vulnerable and a lot of it's the way men have been socialized.
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[SPEAKER_02]: But we also
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[SPEAKER_02]: would say, we argue it's hard for everyone to be vulnerable right now.
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like women too, I think there's a lot of trust issues with dating can be really hard.
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[SPEAKER_02]: So I think this is a good time to go into like, what are these skills?
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[SPEAKER_02]: Like how can we go through these skills and talk about it through the lens of how they're important when you're finding, like in the dating scene, looking for a partner but also maintaining a long-term partnership.
8:07
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's great.
8:08
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll go through each one so the first skill is establishing rapport and that's the ability to use energy to create an initial positive connection with another person.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So in the dating world, it really focuses on making a good first impression.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So when you sit down for a day to even when you start messaging on a dating app.
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[SPEAKER_00]: What is the perception or what are you putting out there for the partner to see about yourself from the pictures you choose to the things you say and your profile to the questions you start to text and get to know them.
8:32
[SPEAKER_00]: It's about the excitement and enthusiasm that you bring.
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[SPEAKER_00]: If you're going to be boring and not really engaged in the conversation, you're not going to have a connection and part of that is also finding common ground.
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[SPEAKER_00]: What are the similarities between the two of you?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Non-verbal behavior, body language, when you go on that first date is really important, being able to have that connection.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it's things like just generally showing an interest in what a woman is communicating.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Or when you sit down for the first time, focus in more on her and asking questions rather than just as a man telling her about what you've accomplished.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Listening more than you speak.
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[SPEAKER_00]: When you're speaking, are you listening to understand?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Are you listening just to response back or share something about yourself?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Can you use humor appropriately to kind of engage and draw women or men into a conversation?
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[SPEAKER_00]: So establishing rapport is really that foundational piece that starts off any good relationship.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And if you bring positive energy, you're gonna have more likely of a chance to have a connection than if you don't bring any energy or you bring negative energy to the situation.
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[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, so our listeners are fantically taking notes because that was a thousand things that they should be working on.
9:28
[SPEAKER_03]: It's good to go into some real life examples, so people can understand how we can put this into practice.
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[SPEAKER_03]: Can you give us an example of a recent date that you had where you were both successful at establishing report?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, a recent one that I went on, we started talking on the app for like about a week or so.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's changed numbers and starting texting.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And for me, I like to know about a person beyond the profile or physical tract in this.
9:51
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, as a psychologist too, I guess I come at it from a different angle.
9:54
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
9:54
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm asking questions about where they grew up and what are some lessons they learned, you know, in college, who are the friends that they associate themselves with?
10:01
[SPEAKER_00]: What are the similarities with those friends?
10:02
[SPEAKER_00]: So you draw someone out in a conversation, even if it's over text, it's a good thing.
10:06
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll usually want to do, I have my little hurdles before I go on a date, I want to do a FaceTime or something just to make sure the person is so they say they are.
10:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And so then really even on a Zoom on a FaceTime, it's really getting to see if that chemistry is there.
10:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Do we share some more hobbies or interests?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And if we don't, is there appetite for learning?
10:21
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a lifelong learner, I value people in my life for like that.
10:24
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I'm always up to trying something new and if someone has something that they're passionate about, then I want to try it out and see how if I like it as well.
10:30
[SPEAKER_00]: When you go on the first day, everything from the dress, how you appear, how you shoved on the day, where you go, making it the right place.
10:36
[SPEAKER_00]: So we picked a place.
10:37
[SPEAKER_00]: I haven't sat down.
10:38
[SPEAKER_00]: She was in Queens, so we met New York City.
10:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And we met for a drink that could turn into dinner if you wanted to, but we wanted to see first face-to-face if we'd have the chemistry.
10:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was just immediately a connection in terms of the eye contact when someone's talking.
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[SPEAKER_00]: all of us were leaning into the conversation, laughing, joking.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Now again, we have been texting for a week and we were kind of rapid-fire texting throughout the days.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So it wasn't this awkwardness not knowing what to talk about.
11:01
[SPEAKER_00]: We had already established that connection on the app and then texting.
11:05
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was more just a continuation of that.
11:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that's a really good thing for anyone who's kind of early stages of dating.
11:11
[SPEAKER_00]: The more touch points you can't have and get to know each other without being overboard.
11:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you have to bounce it, you can't say.
11:16
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not just just not get one back, but...
11:18
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, usually if there's a good chemistry there and both people like each other, there'll be some back and forth and it's a good way to kind of build a foundation even before that first day.
11:26
[SPEAKER_02]: No, that's really great.
11:27
[SPEAKER_02]: And I know you're also speaking as, you know, someone that's dating women, but this, in my opinion, applies to everyone.
11:34
[SPEAKER_02]: Every word should be established, report, doing these skills.
11:37
[SPEAKER_02]: We do hear from some daters, and you know, we call this the data view.
11:41
[SPEAKER_02]: And you go in, and it's kind of like a job interview.
11:44
[SPEAKER_02]: And it could be that, or it could just be, you know, lack of, you think you need to bring this date self, maybe you are able to like relax with your friends, but for whatever reason it's harder to do it on dates.
11:57
[SPEAKER_02]: What advice would you have for people that, you know, are struggling to establish rapport?
12:02
[SPEAKER_02]: Like it doesn't come natural to them.
12:04
[SPEAKER_00]: So I would say two big things, you have to be intentional and authentic and how you go about doing dating.
12:09
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to show about a date and be robotic and the questions that you ask or have a list.
12:13
[SPEAKER_00]: We talk about it in the work we do consulting on.
12:14
[SPEAKER_00]: It's have like three swim lanes or three things you want to talk about.
12:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you want to talk about it and you know, share it hobbies or interests.
12:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you want to talk about travel and kind of places that the person has been to.
12:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe you want to talk about, you know, their career or things like that.
12:26
[SPEAKER_00]: come to the date with questions not trying to show yourself off.
12:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, applies to men and women probably more so for men, but I think in my dating life, I've seen women be more interested in going on a second or third date.
12:37
[SPEAKER_00]: If I'm showing up as curious and inquisitive, if I'm showing empathy and putting myself in their shoes as they're sharing their stories.
12:43
[SPEAKER_00]: If I'm leaning in letting them finish, but then asking a probing question that you would have to ask if you were paying attention and not just waiting to respond.
12:50
[SPEAKER_00]: those type of things I think any person can do regardless of their more introverted or shy or they haven't done this often before, they're in a relationship for a long time and now find themselves on a dating scene, authenticity and intentionality would be the two big things.
13:03
[SPEAKER_02]: I love what you said because they get
13:05
[SPEAKER_02]: everyone likes a date where they feel seen and heard, and curiosity is a way to do that.
13:11
[SPEAKER_02]: What I like what you said about the three swim lanes is it gives you some idea of what you can talk about without overplanning, but also some people getting anxiety not knowing what they're talking about at all, exactly.
13:23
[SPEAKER_02]: But I think the most important thing is that you let the conversation organically happen and you ask those curious follow-ups.
13:32
[SPEAKER_00]: The other thing that I would say for most people, you have to be comfortable with silence.
13:36
[SPEAKER_00]: For me, even in my career, it took me about a decade to really talk to a client that I'm coaching or working with and have silence for 10 seconds, 15 seconds.
13:44
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of times people are processing what they're talking about and what they're thinking, but as soon as you especially in dating, when you hear that awkward silence, or you don't know what to say, someone will just jump in to break that silence.
13:54
[SPEAKER_00]: And silence is okay.
13:55
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a time for both people to reflect.
13:56
[SPEAKER_00]: That's probably one of the hardest hurdles to get over is, you know, what do we talk about?
14:00
[SPEAKER_00]: We talked about three things, and I don't know, but they just started.
14:02
[SPEAKER_00]: We only have one drink.
14:04
[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, I like this idea of talking about this in terms of rapport versus chemistry.
14:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm.
14:09
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
14:09
[SPEAKER_03]: We do hear from data.
14:10
[SPEAKER_03]: It's like there was no chemistry.
14:12
[SPEAKER_03]: We didn't have chemistry, but I think by saying you have the control to establish rapport.
14:18
[SPEAKER_03]: Means let's not focus on a chemistry.
14:20
[SPEAKER_03]: Let's build that rapport first.
14:22
[SPEAKER_03]: can we go to the flip side of something like this where what happens if no report is built, what happens in this relationship?
14:29
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, if reports not built, then the foundation is not set for wanting to be with that person again.
14:34
[SPEAKER_00]: I went on a date two years ago with a woman and there was just a defense in this as soon as we got on a date.
14:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And I tried to joke and have some light humor and it was very much, you know, easily offended and it just said a bad tone for the entire date where I started saying to myself, okay, I have to watch what I'm saying because I don't want to offend this person and she was more guarded.
14:53
[SPEAKER_00]: I think she had had a relationship that ended poorly and so I couldn't understand where she was coming from but just the energy that she brought on that first date told me that trust was the big issue for her that there was also, you know, I was already behind the April before we even sat down.
15:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, you know, I think if you go through a bad breakup or if something happens, like you need time to process that before you get out there because the impressions you make on people, you know, she could have met me four or five other guys who would have been good matches, but the way that she was showing up based on what happened in her history didn't let those things kind of go further.
15:22
[SPEAKER_02]: Well, we're on this topic.
15:23
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, how would you defy the difference of chemistry and rapport?
15:27
[SPEAKER_00]: So rapport is something that you do.
15:30
[SPEAKER_00]: It's the act of bringing that energy and that excitement to a first day or the early connections.
15:34
[SPEAKER_00]: The chemistry is a result of building rapport.
15:36
[SPEAKER_00]: If you build it, it's definitely if you're intentional and authentic and you can come through on your own skin, chemistry will be there.
15:42
[SPEAKER_00]: You may not have a great first kiss or things like, even having sex.
15:45
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, the first time you have sex, you've got to figure out each other's bodies.
15:47
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a process for that too.
15:49
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you're building rapport and you have to put work in to do that, like I said, the swim lanes or things that you're putting more intentionality in, they will be more likely than not that you'll set the conditions where someone will be more interested in you and you'll have the chemistry start to take place.
16:01
[SPEAKER_03]: But caveat is, you can build rapport with someone, but no chemistry, right?
16:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, yeah, because then the bedroom stuff and kissing and all the things that are, those are just colleagues, which is why you still enjoy each other's company.
16:15
[SPEAKER_02]: Gathering with rapport, it's basically like having the energy, the intangibles that come from a date that feel like you're listening, they're listening, you're sharing, like it's not like a one side of convo and you know that balance is there and the feeling is positive net net.
16:34
[SPEAKER_00]: it's organic.
16:35
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
16:36
[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
16:37
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
16:37
[SPEAKER_02]: So then hopefully this happens, you get into a relationship.
16:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Like how does establish a rapport continue in the maintenance stage of a relationship or like maybe once you've been in one for a bit.
16:48
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
16:48
[SPEAKER_00]: So that goes into the second skill understanding others.
16:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
16:51
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's really
16:52
[SPEAKER_00]: having the ability to be intentional about putting in the time and energy to get to know someone on the deep level.
16:57
[SPEAKER_00]: So this is where things like EQ become really important because you're going to be hearing things and learning things about your partner where they're going to be in different emotional states.
17:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they had a stressful day at work or maybe they had an issue with family members.
17:08
[SPEAKER_00]: So being able to understand emotions, read emotions.
17:10
[SPEAKER_00]: There's going to be situations where you guys may butt heads or have differences of opinion.
17:14
[SPEAKER_00]: So managing your frustration or managing your anger becomes critical.
17:17
[SPEAKER_00]: This stage understanding others when you're dating, it's about actively listening.
17:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Especially when conflict rises.
17:22
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you listening to your partner and really trying to hear where they're coming from?
17:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And are they trying to do the same with you?
17:28
[SPEAKER_00]: Talk to about curiosity and inquisit on this again.
17:30
[SPEAKER_00]: Those are important things that you get to know someone wanting to know their story.
17:33
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, what are the things that shape to they are?
17:35
[SPEAKER_00]: Our family histories and origins and where we come from, whether it's race, ethnicity, all those things factor in.
17:41
[SPEAKER_00]: And as you start to get to know someone and learn about their families and learn about what they're passionate about.
17:45
[SPEAKER_00]: Being really curious to learn all aspects of it, really matters.
17:48
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I think the biggest thing as you kind of move out of the early stage, I call it the honeymoon stages of dating into the reality phase is...
17:55
[SPEAKER_00]: are you able to show empathy?
17:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you able to show compassion when your partners have an a good day, a bad day?
18:00
[SPEAKER_00]: But usually we joke in, and I put in the article, you know, the reality phases where two people say, oh shit, what did I get myself into?
18:06
[SPEAKER_00]: Could you start some of the issues or lines about the different person has?
18:10
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you are using your EQ and if you're being curious and if you're being a good active listener, that will show up and make the relationship go further.
18:16
[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, let's say you build the rapport.
18:18
[SPEAKER_03]: And now you're in this understanding each other stage, really getting to know each other.
18:23
[SPEAKER_03]: We hear this from some real listeners.
18:25
[SPEAKER_03]: I lost interest.
18:26
[SPEAKER_03]: Report was great.
18:27
[SPEAKER_03]: We built that chemistry.
18:28
[SPEAKER_03]: I no longer want to learn more about this person.
18:30
[SPEAKER_03]: How would you diagnose that situation?
18:32
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, there could be a number of different factors.
18:34
[SPEAKER_00]: It could be the sex was bad.
18:35
[SPEAKER_00]: It could have been that they lost interest in some activities.
18:38
[SPEAKER_00]: I think if you're really understanding your partner and getting to know them, you should know what the disconnects are on.
18:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I know for my own life, I was dating someone earlier this year.
18:45
[SPEAKER_00]: And we didn't have the same values around spur trout in faith.
18:47
[SPEAKER_00]: And that was an important part.
18:48
[SPEAKER_00]: things for both of us, but we just had a different opinion on it.
18:51
[SPEAKER_00]: She was a great person, love the time we spent together, but that was something that was foundational where it kind of just said, right?
18:56
[SPEAKER_00]: This is not going to go any further.
18:57
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think most people when they say I just don't feel it anymore, the camera she's not there any longer, they're usually a why behind it.
19:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And so it's kind of getting at the why because you're going to step into a situation with a new partner.
19:07
[SPEAKER_00]: potentially down the road.
19:08
[SPEAKER_00]: And the more you can understand your wise or what your deal breakers or what your must-haves are, it makes it easier for you during the establishing report stage to kind of narrow the field or even under dating profile, you know, narrowing who are the type of men or women that you want to be dating.
19:21
[SPEAKER_02]: So the example you gave with understanding others right here, right, was like, okay, we clearly didn't understand where each other were coming from, like, or we had
19:30
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
19:31
[SPEAKER_02]: How do you start to the suffer between things that you should just understand versus those deal breakers or things that are just not going to work for you?
19:40
[SPEAKER_00]: There's something we call the mirror test knowing that I sell.
19:42
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I would encourage all your listeners like get clear on what your top values are get clear on kind of how you show up on your best days.
19:48
[SPEAKER_00]: What your blind spots might be when you're stressed ask a family member or someone that knows you really well.
19:53
[SPEAKER_00]: But if you have that understanding of what you're looking for and be very clear on it.
19:56
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, write it in a journal and put it in your phone in the notes like it might phone in the notes tab.
20:00
[SPEAKER_00]: I have like the top qualities I'm looking for in a partner.
20:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I know before I go on a date, you know, these are the eight or nine things that I want.
20:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And that will help you to narrow it down who you're dating and what that looks like.
20:09
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, that's really hard to get clarity on, right?
20:11
[SPEAKER_03]: And then we also hear people saying like, I got bored.
20:13
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
20:14
[SPEAKER_03]: I found this person boring.
20:15
[SPEAKER_03]: Do you believe that some people are just boring?
20:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think so.
20:19
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I mean, like, I mean, for for me, like when I'm dating woman, like I'm looking for someone who's wanting to try new things, you're just going to go on two, three dates and then want to watch Netflix, like that's cool, but I'm not a big TV guy.
20:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And so if someone's not going to be active, it's going to, you know, I'll get bored very quickly.
20:33
[SPEAKER_03]: But boring for you.
20:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but I had I did someone a year ago who liked to skydive and bungee jump, and I did not want to do any of that, and so I ended up being born for her.
20:41
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm just having to say little boring.
20:43
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, it's all relative.
20:44
[SPEAKER_00]: It's all relative, exactly.
20:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.
20:46
[SPEAKER_02]: But I guess I'm still like the understanding other as part.
20:49
[SPEAKER_02]: because as someone that's been in a relationship now for a year and a half, there's definitely times that like, yeah, this person met all my, you know, initial list of things, right?
20:59
[SPEAKER_02]: But we're human beyond a list.
21:01
[SPEAKER_02]: And you know, there's going to be it's still like, okay, even if we think differently, or we do differently, it's still worth it.
21:07
[SPEAKER_02]: Ultimately, to keep this relationship going, like, how do you start to really just value the person or say, like, overall, this person meets my needs, like, how do I understand where they're
21:19
[SPEAKER_00]: that gets into the third skill.
21:20
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
21:21
[SPEAKER_00]: The third skill is embracing individual differences.
21:23
[SPEAKER_00]: And this skill is the ability to be authentic and acknowledging accepting that everyone comes from different backgrounds and experiences.
21:30
[SPEAKER_00]: And so, in dating to your point, Julie, it's talking about okay.
21:33
[SPEAKER_00]: I now know who my partner is.
21:34
[SPEAKER_00]: We've shared some information, we've learned about each other.
21:37
[SPEAKER_00]: It's, can you be yourself around your partner?
21:39
[SPEAKER_00]: The dating honeymoon faces ended now.
21:41
[SPEAKER_00]: You're going to have your bad days.
21:42
[SPEAKER_00]: He's going to have his bad days.
21:44
[SPEAKER_00]: Has the relationship developed enough of a foundation of trust?
21:47
[SPEAKER_00]: Where you can be at your baddest around him.
21:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And he'll be cool with that.
21:50
[SPEAKER_00]: It'll be supportive of that versus starting a fight with you.
21:52
[SPEAKER_00]: vice versa.
21:53
[SPEAKER_00]: The same thing.
21:53
[SPEAKER_00]: This is where people who are either self-serving or manipulative, they get found out very quickly because you go into that phase of dating now.
22:00
[SPEAKER_00]: This is kind of the adjustment phase where you both are starting to think about, can we meld a life together?
22:05
[SPEAKER_00]: Can we start to have shared, use and share things that we like to
22:08
[SPEAKER_00]: do together.
22:08
[SPEAKER_00]: You'll probably start to meet other person's family members and kind of the larger family unit that they come from.
22:13
[SPEAKER_00]: And so I think the authenticity piece is huge.
22:15
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you've established rapport and you've kind of built that initial connection and then you've taken the time to learn about each other and understand how each other is wired, then it comes to like, okay, can I be myself and can we do things together as we start to build our future?
22:28
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm definitely seeing how these all builds off of each other for sure.
22:32
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like I definitely was in this understanding others phase for a bit.
22:36
[SPEAKER_02]: It was a little challenging because you're like, okay, the honey moon is over a little.
22:40
[SPEAKER_02]: The rose color glasses come off and you're like, is this somewhat I could do life with?
22:45
[SPEAKER_02]: And then I feel like we've moved to this embracing individual differences.
22:49
[SPEAKER_02]: And I feel like we're moving now to kind of the next phase that we'll get into.
22:52
[SPEAKER_02]: But I do see how these are all like playing off of one another.
22:56
[SPEAKER_02]: because you kind of need to do the understanding before you could do the embracing.
22:59
[SPEAKER_00]: And you got to establish rapport.
23:01
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
23:01
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the direction.
23:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
23:03
[SPEAKER_00]: I think they do fall in that Oreo.
23:04
[SPEAKER_03]: But it's not a linear order.
23:06
[SPEAKER_03]: You don't do this.
23:07
[SPEAKER_03]: Bill report first.
23:08
[SPEAKER_03]: And then understand a chapter box.
23:10
[SPEAKER_00]: No, it's not a chapter box.
23:12
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
23:12
[SPEAKER_00]: It's going to be harder.
23:13
[SPEAKER_00]: You show us the understanding.
23:14
[SPEAKER_00]: If both of you are continuing to grow and want to be better tomorrow.
23:17
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
23:17
[SPEAKER_00]: That's going to be an ever-volving, you know, journey of curiosity and journey of growth.
23:21
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
23:21
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like a linear but also a cycle at the same time.
23:24
[SPEAKER_02]: That's right.
23:25
[SPEAKER_02]: You need one without the other, but it also never stops.
23:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And then you have to look at the seasons of life that you go in with a partner.
23:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Right.
23:31
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, when you're first meeting to when you get married to when you have kids, you're going to understand other things about your partner.
23:36
[SPEAKER_00]: I just solve my brother in his life.
23:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Like there's things that they are learning about each other now when they have to kind of tag team to deal with their three-year-old that's breaking plates in the kitchen.
23:44
[SPEAKER_00]: And so there's different things that you see as you go through life with your partner.
23:47
[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, I'm putting myself in the shoes with someone who may be dating for a long time and they're just like, you know what?
23:52
[SPEAKER_03]: This sounds like a lot of fucking work.
23:54
[SPEAKER_03]: Isn't it easier if I just find someone who's exactly like me?
23:59
[SPEAKER_03]: It's easier for me to understand them.
24:00
[SPEAKER_03]: Easier for me to embrace her differences because we have none.
24:03
[SPEAKER_03]: And then we've already built that report because we're exactly like each other.
24:06
[SPEAKER_03]: What would you just say to someone like that?
24:08
[SPEAKER_00]: They might be the one who gets bored really quickly with the film.
24:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's going to be really hard to find that person too, that's the other thing.
24:14
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it depends on the person too, like, are you comfortable with the status quo?
24:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Some people are comfortable with the same job and they don't want to challenge themselves.
24:21
[SPEAKER_00]: They don't want to grow and there's nothing wrong with that.
24:23
[SPEAKER_00]: If you have a comfortable way that you guilt your life and your person of routine or habit, that's okay.
24:27
[SPEAKER_00]: There's nothing wrong with that.
24:28
[SPEAKER_02]: I would argue that even if you're like on paper, the most similar people ever, they're still going to be different says because you're putting too few minutes together.
24:37
[SPEAKER_02]: So you're always going to have to go through the cycle.
24:39
[SPEAKER_02]: If you don't, like you're basically just saying that I'm not willing to put in the work for a relationship.
24:44
[SPEAKER_03]: You know, I'm asking because we hear so many people saying like, I need the similarities to be there.
24:49
[SPEAKER_03]: I need to find some of them similar.
24:50
[SPEAKER_03]: I want to find our commonalities.
24:52
[SPEAKER_03]: I wonder if they're kind of focusing on maybe kind of trivial things versus, I mean, it doesn't really matter what you have in comments about that growth and curiosity and cultivating these skills with each other.
25:03
[SPEAKER_00]: And you would hope over time that a pairing would have similar interests that they start to do together.
25:08
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they take up cooking together.
25:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they pick up golf for tennis.
25:11
[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe they start to do travel.
25:12
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, there should be things you and your partner start to experience that both of you individually haven't done before.
25:17
[SPEAKER_00]: That's strength bond as well.
25:18
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, my partner that I were talking about this, we do come from fairly similar up leggings, but we do have a lot of differences.
25:25
[SPEAKER_02]: It's the way we process things because we're two different people, right?
25:28
[SPEAKER_02]: But we were talking about like another friend of ours that's dating someone from a wildly different culture.
25:34
[SPEAKER_02]: And like, they are very different up leggings.
25:36
[SPEAKER_02]: And we were like, is it that they'll just have like war growth in this understanding phase?
25:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Or is it that maybe like they are culturally, very different, but like the way they process in foes?
25:46
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, similar.
25:47
[SPEAKER_00]: I think every case you got to take at the zone, some of the people in my family are Muslim, some of the people in my family are Christian, and just from a faith standpoint, very different kind of ways that people live their lives.
25:57
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's really kind of, as you get to know your partner, like, what are they comfortable, exploring, what are, you know, deal breakers for them.
26:02
[SPEAKER_00]: Every relationship is going to be different, and you may have cultural things, you may have racist, nithity things that come in, there are a number of different factors that could be, like, how people are different, and then trying to find the commonality.
26:13
[SPEAKER_00]: But that's part of the exciting journey, learning a
26:14
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the one who is from another culture, learning about someone who grew up in a different part of the country.
26:18
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, all those things could be learning experiences or they can be reasons for a lot of conflict if they're not addressing a communication is not there.
26:24
[SPEAKER_03]: I can see that.
26:25
[SPEAKER_03]: I do think there's a different approach that we can all take to dating a relationship which is focusing more on the differences.
26:31
[SPEAKER_03]: Because I realized with my current partner, I was like, this is like the most I've ever felt in common with some of them before.
26:38
[SPEAKER_03]: come from similar cultural background, similar upbringing, and it made me realize I became really complacent in this relationship and getting to know him because I thought I just knew everything.
26:47
[SPEAKER_01]: We were so similar.
26:48
[SPEAKER_03]: And I realized we actually like you were saying Julie, like we do have a ton of differences.
26:53
[SPEAKER_03]: I haven't explored yet.
26:54
[SPEAKER_03]: So instead of approaching, oh my gosh, we have all this in common, we speak this common language.
26:59
[SPEAKER_03]: It's more like what is more there for me to explore and learn about him?
27:04
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a great segue into the fourth skill, which is the most important skill and relational intelligence that's developing trust, and the way we define that is the ability to be vulnerable and risk being exposed to the actions and behaviors of others.
27:15
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you're able to be yourself, there's going to be things in your story.
27:19
[SPEAKER_00]: We all hit storms in life, whether they're a personal professional, we have to go through struggles, challenges, and adversity.
27:24
[SPEAKER_00]: We often don't share that with our partners, unless we're moving in the direction of marriage or a long-term relationship, and even then a lot of people don't do that.
27:31
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think the relationships that really thrive, my colleagues who have been married for 25 30 years, family members, friends, they say it's being willing to admit when you're wrong.
27:39
[SPEAKER_00]: It's having a humility about yourself to ask for feedback and try to get better.
27:44
[SPEAKER_00]: It's wanting to get better for your partner.
27:46
[SPEAKER_00]: That's a really important piece too.
27:47
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think trust becomes really critical.
27:49
[SPEAKER_00]: Because when you first start dating someone, you have conditional trust.
27:52
[SPEAKER_00]: You honor this commitment, we're going to go on a date, you're said you're going to do something, you're going to be consistent when you get to unconditional trust, almost like blind trust.
27:59
[SPEAKER_00]: That's where the degrees of vulnerability really come in so that you're trusting that person most of the time or all the time.
28:04
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I mean, I think this is the essential of any long lasting relationship, absolutely.
28:11
[SPEAKER_02]: And, you know, I see how it goes from embracing individual differences.
28:14
[SPEAKER_02]: I know this isn't a linear order, but they do build on one another.
28:18
[SPEAKER_02]: And like my partner, I've definitely been in this embracing individual differences.
28:22
[SPEAKER_02]: And I feel like we're now getting out of this into the next stage because I think when he would say, oh, we're so different.
28:28
[SPEAKER_02]: I'd take it as like, you know, that's not a good thing, but we're learning is to say this is actually helping
28:34
[SPEAKER_02]: And the overall ability to thrive in this relationship, like, I'm definitely faster paste in some ways.
28:42
[SPEAKER_02]: It may be a little more impatient, in other ways.
28:44
[SPEAKER_02]: And he's slower, but more patient.
28:46
[SPEAKER_02]: And like, he's helped me slow down to speed up.
28:49
[SPEAKER_02]: And I've done the same for him, like, even a more ammunition.
28:52
[SPEAKER_02]: So I feel like the more we can start to view differences as a positive.
28:57
[SPEAKER_02]: That's when you see that this person is here.
29:00
[SPEAKER_02]: And like, the trust is built, too.
29:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll tell you a tip you can do next time he says we're so different to look at him and say how we different in a genuine curious way, you know, how do you think we're different and that can be a whole conversation around the ability and it can go many different places and a lot of times people hear something they'll get defensive being curious, okay, I appreciate you sharing that why we've had those conversations that I've also got a defensive.
29:23
[SPEAKER_00]: I think we're saying in our firm is not what you say.
29:25
[SPEAKER_00]: It's how you say it.
29:26
[SPEAKER_00]: So how you ask that.
29:27
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, but I think honestly even when those have been hard combos, it's getting us to the next phase.
29:33
[SPEAKER_02]: So times you don't want to hear it, but like what you were just saying is you want to be better for your partner.
29:38
[SPEAKER_02]: That's right.
29:38
[SPEAKER_02]: And that's the trust.
29:40
[SPEAKER_02]: And you're just like never having those conversations.
29:42
[SPEAKER_02]: How do you even know?
29:43
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll tell you one other thing that is really important when we talk about developing trust is this concept called intentional generosity.
29:49
[SPEAKER_00]: So when a dating relationship.
29:50
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you doing things for your partner, just heart-felt things?
29:53
[SPEAKER_00]: You need to buy my Mercedes or something crazy.
29:56
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you intentionally giving to the relationship without the expectation that you're getting something in return?
30:01
[SPEAKER_00]: And really great relationships, both partners give to the relationship without the expectation of getting something.
30:06
[SPEAKER_00]: And that makes the relationship thrive over time.
30:08
[SPEAKER_02]: So trust is so hard because I have thinking about it.
30:12
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like, even though your partner's doing all the right things, this generosity is here, a lot of us have past traumas or past relationships that the trust was broken.
30:22
[SPEAKER_02]: How do you not let that get in the way that you really focus on the relationship at hand and have trust in faith in it essentially?
30:30
[SPEAKER_00]: So I would say in my life, the dating that I've done over the last couple of years, you know, I had a one relationship that was four years we got engaged and the things that really built up the relationship until things got kind of ugly was that we were open about our past and we talked about things that vulnerability was there, that being yourself and being authentic was there.
30:47
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think it's important for couples to talk about past relationships that were good or bad when they get to that stage.
30:53
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to do it too early and scare someone away.
30:55
[SPEAKER_00]: But I think, you know, if someone hurts you or broke trust with you in a really bad way, you should be able to share that with your partner.
31:00
[SPEAKER_00]: There should be an ability to talk about that.
31:02
[SPEAKER_00]: If that person really loves you and wants to build something with you, they want to know those stories to make sure that they don't ever intentionally or unintentionally have similar things happen in your relationship.
31:11
[SPEAKER_03]: right.
31:12
[SPEAKER_03]: The trust thing because it comes from previous baggage, like you're bringing it on the plane with you in this relationship, you have to be able to open the bag in to be like, this is from the past, throwing that off the plane and to get some new baggage we're putting on.
31:25
[SPEAKER_03]: But I want to relate it back to some of our listeners who are early dating, early stages.
31:30
[SPEAKER_03]: They may not be in a relationship yet, but I think these are great
31:34
[SPEAKER_03]: skills to work on, but also a great barometer of whether someone's right for you.
31:39
[SPEAKER_03]: Like if you go down this list of, is this person have they tried to establish rapport with me?
31:44
[SPEAKER_03]: Are they trying to understand me?
31:45
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
31:45
[SPEAKER_03]: Our deep embracing our differences.
31:47
[SPEAKER_03]: And the trust piece is the one I really want to focus on for early dating.
31:52
[SPEAKER_03]: The trust is, we set a date for Thursday.
31:54
[SPEAKER_03]: Do I trust this person to confirm that we have this date?
31:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
31:58
[SPEAKER_03]: And if they break that trust, how do I move forward?
32:01
[SPEAKER_03]: How do I communicate that?
32:03
[SPEAKER_03]: The trust part is something we often let go in early dating.
32:06
[SPEAKER_03]: Like we're still like, oh, you know, we're trying to understand each other.
32:09
[SPEAKER_03]: Maybe it's just a communication style.
32:11
[SPEAKER_03]: If you don't communicate what you're looking for and your needs, or they're not showing up for you, how can this trust ever be developed, right?
32:21
[SPEAKER_03]: This is a good list for even early data as to go off of.
32:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, there's a part in the book we talk about the five seas and three of them are commitment, consistency and character.
32:31
[SPEAKER_00]: So in the dating world, do I know that you will honor your commitments to me to go on a date?
32:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Do I know you're gonna show up consistently?
32:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you did last time, you went on a date and this time you went on a date and next time we go, can I count on you to be someone of integrity?
32:41
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, you're not gonna lie.
32:42
[SPEAKER_00]: go behind my back.
32:43
[SPEAKER_00]: So those are quick and easy things that a person can do if you want to see how much they're investing trust in.
32:48
[SPEAKER_00]: If someone makes plans and breaks them from you, you know, two or three times that should be your, you know, red light that this person may not be interested or they may not be committed.
32:55
[SPEAKER_00]: And so those are kind of the simple things you can pick up along the way in their early stages.
32:59
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I'm so glad you brought that back you egg.
33:01
[SPEAKER_02]: Cause I do see how establish a rapport understitting others, a bracing individual differences and trust, they just show up differently, depending on your stage of relationship.
33:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Like they're all there.
33:12
[SPEAKER_02]: Like even understanding others, like there's gonna be times that you realize there's a difference.
33:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Like even let's say it's something is superficial as you have a different interest.
33:21
[SPEAKER_02]: Do you ask questions to understand it or someone just like, oh, like, I don't want to date someone that doesn't like snowboarding, you know, like that's right huge even like early days.
33:31
[SPEAKER_02]: So I do think it maybe gets deeper as you keep going or maybe more comes up that's a little less superficial, but it shows up everywhere.
33:39
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'll tell your listeners, relational intelligence is a blueprint for out-of-build relationships.
33:43
[SPEAKER_00]: But the way that everyone does it and how they apply these skills is all going to be different.
33:47
[SPEAKER_00]: The way you establish rapport is going to be different than the next person.
33:49
[SPEAKER_00]: And the way that you develop trust, you know, for one person, trust might mean people honor their commitments.
33:54
[SPEAKER_00]: For another person, it may be someone of high integrity.
33:56
[SPEAKER_00]: So all these things are different, but these skills are universal in terms of the application, but how people do it based on our personality and our cultural upbringing and all those different factors.
34:05
[SPEAKER_02]: I'm so glad you brought that up because I feel like, you know, someone might be like, well, what's the key to establish a rapport?
34:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Like, we obviously talked a little about it, but there isn't this out of the box thing that you say or do or it's just not going to sound like you at the end of the day.
34:18
[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of people will look at some of this for if I want to get someone in bed or if I want to get what I want to relate to.
34:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's do these skills.
34:25
[SPEAKER_00]: It'll crash and burn quickly because like I said that you underlying things with relational intelligence are authenticity and intentionality.
34:31
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can't be authentic and try to manipulate people.
34:33
[SPEAKER_00]: You can't be authentic and try to deceive people.
34:36
[SPEAKER_00]: Those type of people have relationships with them quickly.
34:38
[SPEAKER_03]: And hey, while we're talking about relational skills, I really think these are topics that you can bring on a date.
34:44
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, you could say, I just learned something about relational intelligence, how do you think rapport is established?
34:50
[SPEAKER_03]: How do you try to understand other people?
34:52
[SPEAKER_03]: At least it becomes a conversation because I can see Julie how someone could get in a very dark hole of this like, oh, I'm going to need to build rapport.
35:00
[SPEAKER_03]: How do I do that?
35:02
[SPEAKER_03]: I need to do it.
35:02
[SPEAKER_03]: It's a bit more individual differences.
35:04
[SPEAKER_03]: So many overthinkers that are not
35:07
[SPEAKER_03]: actually putting this into practice or just think about it in a vacuum.
35:10
[SPEAKER_03]: So I'm glad that we can think about it in that way.
35:12
[SPEAKER_03]: Going back to intentional generosity versus like this quid pro quo kind of mentalities.
35:19
[SPEAKER_03]: If I give you this, I expect you to give me that back.
35:22
[SPEAKER_03]: How does that play into developing trust again?
35:25
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm still trying to make that relationship.
35:27
[SPEAKER_00]: If it's going back to the vulnerability piece and you wanting to build the relationship, one of the ways to develop trust is what you're giving to the relationship.
35:34
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're intentionally generous without wanting something back, that shows your partner that you're invested in what the relationship could be.
35:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And so that's a great way to build trust as well, not just honor your commitments, but it's pouring into the relationship, investments are me.
35:47
[SPEAKER_02]: That's really interesting because I feel like, okay, so my partner's really into going to concerts.
35:52
[SPEAKER_02]: That's something that I didn't really do as much.
35:54
[SPEAKER_02]: You know, it's funny because I've been going with him.
35:56
[SPEAKER_02]: It sometimes will be like, it means so much that you're doing this.
36:00
[SPEAKER_02]: And I was just a concert, but I'm like, when you look back on it, it's actually saying a lot more.
36:05
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like, I'm investing in him and showing trust that I want to give to this relationship, but I want to make him happy.
36:12
[SPEAKER_02]: So I feel like there's ways that we can look into, I mean, that's some of it's just really understanding your partner and what matters to them, but like there's little things that we can all do to really embrace that trust.
36:24
[SPEAKER_02]: I feel like people think trust it's like, you know, like, I'll never cheat or something like big like that, but what I'm learning here is that it's all these like micro interactions that add up over time.
36:34
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and this is a hard thing for a lot of people in the dating world to wrap their heads around.
36:37
[SPEAKER_00]: Most people think trust must be earned when we talk about relational intelligence.
36:41
[SPEAKER_00]: Trust must be given not earned.
36:44
[SPEAKER_00]: It is quicker for you to build it if you extend it.
36:47
[SPEAKER_01]: That is a huge takeaway.
36:48
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, you just flipped out on its head.
36:51
[SPEAKER_03]: So it's not about...
36:52
[SPEAKER_03]: I let's see if this person won't cheat on me.
36:55
[SPEAKER_03]: Let's see if this person will show up.
36:56
[SPEAKER_03]: It's like, I'm gonna show up for this person.
36:59
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm going to be faithful and in turn, I'm building that trust and I'm showing up.
37:04
[SPEAKER_03]: All of this actually is like, how do I show up for a relationship?
37:07
[SPEAKER_03]: How do I show up in dating?
37:09
[SPEAKER_03]: It's on me.
37:10
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, this last one.
37:11
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm gonna have a really hard time connecting this to dating.
37:14
[SPEAKER_03]: Cultivating influence.
37:15
[SPEAKER_03]: What is that?
37:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
37:16
[SPEAKER_00]: All that means is the ability to have a positive and meaningful impact on someone else's life.
37:20
[SPEAKER_00]: And so if you pull the cycle of relationship and move towards long-term marriage, you know, that kind of piece, it's about putting the needs of your partner before yourself.
37:29
[SPEAKER_00]: It's about wanting the best for them.
37:30
[SPEAKER_00]: It's about helping them figure out if it's a career thing or a life thing, you know, helping them grow, helping them develop.
37:37
[SPEAKER_00]: And so people who cultivate influence, they genuinely care about their partner.
37:40
[SPEAKER_00]: And they want to see their partner happy in their career.
37:43
[SPEAKER_00]: They want to see their partner happy.
37:44
[SPEAKER_00]: other aspects of their life, whether it's with family or with friends, and so they are making those investments again to help them grow and tell them about.
37:51
[SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes that's having the tough conversations.
37:53
[SPEAKER_00]: If you get to this point in a relationship, there should be a strong degree of trust where you can be honest and kind of share or maybe they drop the ball and maybe they let you down or maybe they let other people down.
38:02
[SPEAKER_00]: And so sometimes it's holding them accountable to commitments.
38:04
[SPEAKER_00]: are holding them accountable to things that they said they were going to do.
38:07
[SPEAKER_00]: And so the cultivating influence, you know, the word influence can mean different things different people.
38:11
[SPEAKER_00]: The way we talk about it and the way it ties into relational intelligence.
38:14
[SPEAKER_00]: It's wanting to bring the best out in your partner.
38:16
[SPEAKER_02]: I could definitely see it into the context that you just said, you know, once you're married and, you know, like, this is really a lifelong, but I also see this in early stage dating too.
38:25
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like, that's
38:26
[SPEAKER_02]: against this giving to someone is I want to be there for you and one of the things I've learned over the years is how do I do that in a way like I'm putting my partner first but I'm also putting myself first and it's not like at the expense of my own happiness because I've definitely done that before if that's a concern like I want to be there for my partner, but I also don't want to lose myself like how would you answer that.
38:48
[SPEAKER_00]: What are they thinking about when they say that because I look at, you know, just in my own life in dating, there's a lot of things I do as a business psychologist in terms of goal setting and things like one thing we've done at my firm for the last decade is we have a word of the year every year about in terms of like what we're going to go after and what we're going to focus on like this year for us, it was unleashed we wanted to unleash relational intelligence of the business world.
39:07
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and when I'm dating and I'm going on dates with people and we're talking about things, I'll share that with them.
39:11
[SPEAKER_00]: You know, that's an investment I'm making in the person like have you ever set goals for yourself.
39:14
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you have the, you know, New Year's resolutions?
39:16
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, here's the thing we do at my firm ride, do personally.
39:18
[SPEAKER_00]: We have a word of the year.
39:19
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, it's just making an investment in the person and saying, you could try this if you want or something that might be helpful.
39:24
[SPEAKER_00]: That's investing in the person.
39:25
[SPEAKER_00]: That's wanting the best for them.
39:26
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not taking anything away from you.
39:28
[SPEAKER_00]: So I guess Julia's like, what is the thing that the person might be thinking about?
39:31
[SPEAKER_00]: Where they might be giving up something of themselves?
39:33
[SPEAKER_00]: Because these can be little things that you're doing to try to make your partner better.
39:36
[SPEAKER_03]: It's like a win-win situation.
39:38
[SPEAKER_03]: How do I add to someone else's life and in turn also add to my life?
39:42
[SPEAKER_03]: And I like this framework because we're less focused on the outcome and in dating and the outcome is always like, well, this person like me back, well, we get into a relationship.
39:52
[SPEAKER_03]: This is like, even if you don't get into a relationship, you've added to someone else's life and therefore you've made yourself a better person too and you can't go wrong with that.
40:00
[SPEAKER_03]: There's no losing in that.
40:01
[SPEAKER_02]: I think that's like a great segue to takeaways because I think my biggest takeaway is we really need to shift the way we approach dating and relationships.
40:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
40:11
[SPEAKER_02]: So much of it's been like from what am I going to get to what am I going to give and you know the trust was like the perfect example like the trust there's so much in our society that say trust should be earned but it's like how do I give and not give at the expense that I'm like
40:26
[SPEAKER_02]: It's like, hit for tad or I'm not getting things back or I'm doing it at my own expense.
40:31
[SPEAKER_02]: But like what we're just talking about, give in a way that's also filling your own cup and looking at this as a way to build this relational intelligence no matter what the outcome.
40:41
[SPEAKER_02]: And even if you are the most single of people, you can do this at work.
40:45
[SPEAKER_02]: You could do this with your friends, with your family, like relational intelligence.
40:50
[SPEAKER_02]: Like your book is not just about dating your relationships.
40:53
[SPEAKER_02]: It's about this is a life skill that we need to have.
40:56
[SPEAKER_02]: And honestly, I really believe this is one of the biggest issues in modern dating is that we don't think about this.
41:02
[SPEAKER_02]: We think about, you know, how we're getting screwed over, how do we protect ourselves instead of how do we give to another human being and connect with someone?
41:10
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you know I might have to hire you to be the spokesperson because you just summarized it by the way that I.
41:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
41:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, we'll happily take that job, so.
41:21
[SPEAKER_03]: One hand's very tactical, but on the other hand, it's a very philosophical way.
41:25
[SPEAKER_03]: I'm at a point where I'm just like all about what is it that I'm giving out into the world.
41:31
[SPEAKER_03]: But an obsessed with Jay Shetty's mother thing like a monk, and he talks about identity.
41:35
[SPEAKER_03]: He's like, you're identity in this world.
41:37
[SPEAKER_03]: It's how you think other people perceive you.
41:39
[SPEAKER_03]: It's the same idea as if a tree falls in the forest and nobody's there to hear it, did it make us out, right?
41:44
[SPEAKER_03]: It's the same thing with relational skills and relational intelligence.
41:47
[SPEAKER_03]: It's like, if I wanna be this type of person relationship, I need to give that out into the world and see it reflected back to me.
41:55
[SPEAKER_03]: If that's not reflected back to me, I'm just creating this idea of myself and silo.
42:00
[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm actually not sharing it.
42:02
[SPEAKER_03]: This conversation is showing it doesn't have to end in romantic relationships for you to develop these relational skills and the relational intelligence you will eventually need a for a relationship so get out there and start relating to people using these five skills to hone in on like what it is that you want to put out in the world.
42:23
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and that's what the book focuses on.
42:24
[SPEAKER_00]: It's split into two halves.
42:25
[SPEAKER_00]: The first half of the book is a chapter on each of the five skills.
42:28
[SPEAKER_00]: And we offer practical tips at the end of each chapter to work on those skills.
42:32
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, if this is a blueprint, you have kind of the cheat sheet in each chapter.
42:35
[SPEAKER_00]: The second half of the book is the applications of relational intelligence.
42:38
[SPEAKER_00]: So there's a chapter on family, there's a chapter on friendships, there's a chapter on professional, and then there's a chapter on dating and marriage.
42:44
[SPEAKER_00]: So it really kind of runs again because this is a skill set that you can use personally and professional.
42:48
[SPEAKER_02]: But now that we're on that topic, where could people find your book?
42:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Because I had to reset, we read the book, we love the book, and agree like this is the whole point of data is in all the other aspects too is to build these skills so you have them like this goes hand-in-hand.
43:03
[SPEAKER_00]: to our website, it's Bandeli and Associates, A&D, all-one-word.com.
43:08
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll have links there to the book.
43:10
[SPEAKER_00]: You can get on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple Books.
43:12
[SPEAKER_00]: We also have our social media platforms.
43:15
[SPEAKER_00]: You can follow me at a Bandeli on Instagram or on LinkedIn, Twitter, just release an article on how relationally intelligent people rebuild trust when it's been damaged.
43:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's right.
43:24
[SPEAKER_00]: So we have a very kind of unsteps thing that people do if they damage trust intentionally,
43:31
[SPEAKER_02]: It's a wonderful thing for all that for our listeners and, you know, this conversation has been so wonderful, so thank you again for coming on our podcast, thank you so much and if you haven't done so yet subscribe to this psychology of relationships today, so you don't miss an episode.
43:48
[SPEAKER_03]: Bye.