Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Your Partner's Personality: There's No Free Lunch

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Your Partner's Personality: There's No Free Lunch · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today we're going to talk about why people
• 0:12
  have this cognitive distortion that their Partners personality
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  is not consistent and instead the same parts of their Partners
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  personality that are good in other.
• 0:25
  Contexts should somehow magically be modified around the
• 0:28
  partner and I will discuss this in depth along with it's pretty
• 0:33
  much my favorite topic over. All, there's no free lunch, we
• 0:37
  have to, as adults, be objective about the fact that there are
• 0:40
  positives and negatives to everything, and that objectivity
• 0:43
  can allow for a healthier and more balanced worldview as well
• 0:47
  as a healthier and more balanced relationship and expectations
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  for a relationship. Before we do that, I must tell
• 0:54
  you to subscribe because the next one coming up right after,
• 0:57
  this is going to be on why it is actually a positive thing for
• 1:01
  women to complain about how much sex you want within an intimate
• 1:04
  level. Loving relationship.
• 1:06
  So, a lot of particularly rejection sensitive or
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  preoccupied attachment. Those are basically similar,
• 1:12
  same kind of construct, men, take this the wrong way.
• 1:16
  So if they were to over here or even to be told directly, oh my
• 1:20
  God, you want sex all the time? There are ways that that is
• 1:24
  positive, that isn't always negative and we will discuss the
• 1:28
  differences between what it's positive and negative and why
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  it's actually kind of a good thing in the majority of
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  relationships. And what it is, a proxy variable
• 1:37
  for. So hopefully that piqued your
• 1:39
  interest enough to subscribe because the subscriptions pretty
• 1:42
  cheap when you compare it in any way to ongoing therapy, it is
• 1:46
  really almost free. It is five ninety-nine a month
• 1:49
  and you get like unlimited access.
• 1:52
  I have like hundreds of episodes and a quarter of them are going
• 1:57
  to be and are actually by now subscription-only.
• 2:00
  So anyhow, let's move on to today's topic.
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  So today's topic. Topic is why there is no free
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  lunch with your partner's personality and this is
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  something that you really need to introspect about.
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  So pick the thing that most annoys you about your partner.
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  So for a lot of women it'll be that the guys are again.
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  So okay, he's our again. What else do you like about your
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  partner? If he's an arrogant guy, it's
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  usually that he was ambitious that he was independent.
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  That he does his own thing that he doesn't give a shit.
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  What people think that he can make his own path, maybe he's
• 2:33
  self-made. Maybe he manages other people as
• 2:36
  his job, maybe he created a business who the fuck knows?
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  But he did some pretty kind of alpha stuff that you like now
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  how in the world is this man then going to fall into line
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  like a little pussy cat when you want him to do that.
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  It's just not going to happen. If you are selecting a made
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  based on that, they are in some ways Alpha and impressive and
• 3:01
  they are their own man, guess what?
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  It's there. Oh, they're their own man.
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  You got it. You got what you wanted, their
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  their own mad and they're not your man except in title only at
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  times. They are always going to want to
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  keep doing their own thing. They're always going to have
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  this same, sort of arrogant style that serves them.
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  Well, outside of the home, they're going to do it inside
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  the home. Now, this doesn't mean that
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  people cannot, of course. Learn I work with this
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  personality type all the time. The self-made man.
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  Somebody who is a fairly Early self-aggrandizing at home and
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  it's not working and the same sorts of things that got him to
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  be successful, aren't working with his wife, and we can
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  totally modify this Behavior. We can create him into a
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  different person. Certainly not.
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  But he can at least understand and empathize with his wife's
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  perspective and perhaps on the margins, he can grow more
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  communicative and even have a little bit less of a cocky
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  attitude. But is he going to have a
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  personality replacement? Is there some sort of a sir
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  Oracle excising of his arrogance and replacing with only
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  niceness, only to you, but he still is successful in the same
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  kind of alpha way outside. No, no, this is crazy.
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  So you certainly couples counseling again and individual
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  counseling can help people modify certain core aspects of
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  their communication style. However, you on the other hand,
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  have to say, what are the key components of my person that of
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  my partner's personality? And that in fact, are positive
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  that I used to think of, as good in all these other ways.
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  But then somehow did, I have a fantasy that this would change
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  when it came to me and or the children frequently people do,
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  you know? So again, that same arrogant
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  guy, he's going to be kind of a dick when he's playing
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  basketball with your son, or whatever.
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  He's going to trash talk, a little bit with your teenage
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  son. And if you say, oh my God that's
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  gonna ruin my son's self-esteem. Oh, I mean a it does refer back
• 5:03
  to my podcast on your And allowed to treat the kids
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  differently than you do. But B, this is the same guy.
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  This is his personality, your son will learn.
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  This is Dad's personality and let's dad is like a huge raging
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  asshole that anybody would say, it's a horrible person.
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  It's usually nothing to even be concerned about at all.
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  What is the most frequent equivalent?
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  That I see with when men do this, when the woman laid back
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  like a doormat and let you do everything you wanted.
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  So, you know, it would be Add to this personality type.
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  I originally brought up the Arrogant guy.
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  So who do these guys often partner with a woman who deals
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  with their shit, right? And doesn't complain.
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  So the woman who let you pick the restaurant, let you pick,
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  when you're going to go play, golf, let you pick when you're
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  going to not play golf, let you Haze get extremely drunk and
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  then took care of you when you're hungover the next day.
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  Guess I she's gonna act with your kid.
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  You should your kid's gonna run the show to?
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  No, fucking kidding. Think about it.
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  Pragmatically the same personality type that Up with
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  your shit is going to let your kid railroad her too.
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  So I see a lot of men that say, why can't my wife being
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  effective disciplinarian? Does she is she an effective
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  disciplinarian with you when you do shit, that you shouldn't do
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  know? She has let you do whatever you
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  want and you when it was towards you, you thought of this as
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  laid-back supportive, patient. And then you come home, you see,
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  your kids are like coloring on the sofa.
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  And your wife says, I Don't know what to do.
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  I thought, you know, I thought it was good for their
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  creativity. Yeah, of course, she's that
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  person and you liked it. You like the you couldn't have
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  got along with another type, A like yourself, probably tried to
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  date women like that and it didn't go anywhere.
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  They were mad at you all the time or you thought that they
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  were rigid bitches, right? So what did you end up with is a
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  real laid-back person and she gonna be real laid-back
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  everywhere and then if you start to think, oh my God, maybe she
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  wasn't laid back, maybe she just enables assholes.
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  I'm sure you have a point but this is the person that you
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  picked. So does it mean that you can't
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  learn more effective code strategies to parent or that she
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  can't or that she cannot never go to therapy and you know,
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  figure this shit out, of course she can.
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  But then the iron a comes that when she's working with somebody
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  who says don't let the kids treat you like garbage, then
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  they're also gonna say something about some of your behavior that
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  self-centered and oh and wait, why is he going the way for 12
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  hours to play golf and leaving you with the kids?
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  After you had a hard week I don't understand.
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  So it's there's no free lunch either.
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  Somebody is one way with you and the world or they're not.
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  There are not a lot of in this example.
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  There's not a lot of women who are going to be real soft, Easy
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  Loving and patient with you, but then not that with the children
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  with the children, be more of a hard-ass.
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  Maybe the tiger mom, that you yourself, had that got you to be
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  such an alpha or whatever. She can't be two different
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  people at the same time, it doesn't make any sense.
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  Nor can the Arrogant guy. Now, let's flip to the obvious
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  other example of both. So then there is the man who's
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  too passive. And the woman love this, she
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  loves it in the courtship. She got to pick everything.
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  She got to pick where they went on vacation.
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  She got to pick if they want on vacation.
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  She got to pick one. Their work was important.
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  I'm when the being together as a couple was important every place
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  they traveled everything. They did.
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  The house every aspect of the wedding every aspect of the
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  furniture, everything it It was just wonderful shit, Infinity
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  choices. And now the honeymoon stage has
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  has you know run its course and she's met.
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  A few other people, she's evolved as a human being and now
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  she thinks. Oh, but that guy at work, that's
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  more like me, you know, like he's more of a go-getter.
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  Boy would be nice to be with somebody like that.
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  Yeah but guess what? Guess who would not have been
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  able to pick the entire wedding down to whatever crazy shit you
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  had for like the entire wedding week or whatever, you know?
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  That guy would have been like I don't care II, don't even want
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  to do a big wedding, I've always felt like eloping that's what
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  we're going to do and that would not have flown.
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  So this isn't to say that you can't you know it's not normal
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  to have kind of a fantasy that your partner can do and be
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  everything nor that it's not normal to say, oh I wish
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  sometimes that I could you know have sex with that guy at work,
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  you know. But I'm not going to would be
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  how the healthier response Style.
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  Maybe because I'm loving and committed to my partner.
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  And you know what, my partner is really who I picked and I picked
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  him for these exact same personality traits that now are
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  annoying. So for example, this woman
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  frequently, I mean, it's directly what I said before
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  about. The gender inverse should be
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  like, why doesn't he tell the kids?
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  What, why doesn't he give stricter rules to the kids?
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  Why does he let the kids walk all over him?
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  That's the funniest. What, why does he let the kids
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  walk all over him? What did he do with you?
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  You know, you let you walk all over him too, so he's the same
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  person and then of course, the converse the man who thinks
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  that, you know, his wife is such a, you know, a bitch with the
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  kids and why does she like making them do this?
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  This this and this and she's not very warm and she's always up
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  their ass. She was the same thing with you
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  and these are frequently. The men that say, oh, it was so
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  great. When I met my wife, I had no
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  direction in life and she helped me.
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  She helped me with the financier.
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  She helped me build this business.
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  She Courage me to go back to school.
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  I hear this stuff all the time and then it's like she's doing
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  the same tiger mom stuff with the kids.
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  She was basically a tiger girlfriend and she's gonna be
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  the same person. So this does not mean that all
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  of a sudden given this podcast, your life problems disappear.
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  It's just like the, the basic idea of cognitive reframing is
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  to understand that things make sense things are consistent.
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  There are positives and there are negatives and your Isn't all
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  - or subtle positive either, but it's not all - it isn't like,
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  oh, I'm in such this terrible situation because my wife is so
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  hard on my children, and this is, you know, the worst thing in
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  the whole world, it's like to say, well I liked parts of it,
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  parts of this were good for me, I wonder then if parts of it are
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  also going to be good for the kids in this type of example,
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  but it's like this with everything.
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  Like if you got this woman who is like super hot sexy, And
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  flirtatious. And this is the most exciting
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  woman you were ever with you met her at a party, went home with
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  her the first night. She's not going to put on, you
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  know, an Amish outfit after this after you're married.
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  And never look at another man full with full eye contact.
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  You know? I mean like she's still going to
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  be the same vivacious personality.
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  She is probably going to be faithful if she's like the
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  majority of women but she's not going to turn into a different
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  human being. And so like, basically the
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  Reason that people have fantasies that their partner
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  will be totally different with them, is this, you know, very
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  human normal, you know, functional?
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  I mean, it's not functional when it gets to the extremes, but
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  overall, it's a normal sort of fantasy to be somebody special
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  person and that is functional. Because if you think that your
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  partner is somewhat different with you than they are, ER, with
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  everybody else that it was Rose Colored Glasses are adaptive and
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  they allow people to fall in love.
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  You can fall in love. If you're like, well, you know,
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  we get here, I am 25 and my wife, you know, my potential, my
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  girlfriend who I want to marry here is 24 and biologically.
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  She's at the time when she wants to have children and I took off
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  certain boxes given her a Mago. So honestly that's probably why
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  she wants to be with me. Also, she has certain fantasies
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  that may not be borne out about my character that are just
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  projected from romantic movies. You can't fall.
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  Love like that. So there's an Adaptive quality
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  to feel that your relationship is special and that you're going
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  to be somebody special person. And the more that you believe in
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  this, the more that you can co-create it with your spouse
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  and actually be one another special people but you just have
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  to keep your bar. Not like Beyond High.
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  Your bar has to be achievable by your partner.
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  So for example, like let's say that you want your your Spouse
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  to be a little bit more you know.
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  Give it be a little bit more assertive with the kids.
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  If you understand that this is the same person that let you
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  walk all over them pretty much which you kind of liked and let
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  you live your best life for a long time.
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  Before kids you could be like, okay, what should my
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  expectations be? Maybe my expectations should
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  just be that. I'm the disciplinarian.
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  You know, I could be my expectations because that makes
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  sense given the rest of our dynamic, or maybe my
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  expectations. Be that they just don't call her
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  on the couch, right? You know, like like we'll get to
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  keep it low, you know? Or they don't you know like
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  fires in the home whatever. But the thing is you got to
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  understand your partner, the more you can understand your
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  partner, within a really large context, their family of origin,
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  how they were with you originally, they are secret
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  inner world and their hopes and expectations.
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  Also, a lot of this stuff is sussed out in couples
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  counseling. If this seems like an
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  insurmountable Mountable like how the fuck would I figure that
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  stuff out? You could couples counseling is
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  good but the more you understand them and the more layers with
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  which you have the more lenses that you have to look at them
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  through then the better your relationship is going to be
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  because then you're looking at them as a person rather than a
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  Fantastical artifact of your own subconscious.
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  Which is it going to work? Because then they're always
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  going to do things that you don't like.
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  You don't expect, you don't predict because you are Hoping
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  for them to be this idealized version of, you know, this
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  ultimate and fulfilling love and to basically be, you know, a
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  Stepford spouse which they cannot be.
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  I'm going to talk about that stuff for wife idea in the next
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  podcast about the sex about 26 as though that clears anything
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  up. I have many about sex and the
• 15:28
  sex and whatever. But anyhow, I hope that you got
• 15:31
  something out of this podcast. What you should do really?
• 15:34
  Ali is only share it with your spouse if they want to hear me.
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  I can't stress that enough but think about it yourself.
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  Think about an even right out? Like what are the things I most
• 15:47
  disliked about my spouse. Did I like these things when it
• 15:51
  was earlier in our relationship? You know and like if so am I
• 15:56
  being a little harsh here? You know I mean there's just
• 16:00
  Infinity examples like you feel like your wife spends too much
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  money now but When you met her like you had never been with
• 16:06
  somebody. So spontaneous and open your
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  family was a bunch of frugal hard asses and, you know, you
• 16:12
  just thought that she loved life and now all of a sudden, you're
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  changing the rules, etc, etc. I see this equivalently across
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  gender. There's no such bullshit that,
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  like, you know, men don't get disappointed with their wives as
• 16:23
  much that. Yes, they do.
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  Give me a break and think about it, introspect and I will catch
• 16:30
  up with you guys later. Bye.