Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / Can You Love Someone and Still Want to Leave? 🥴💔🤔

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Can You Love Someone and Still Want to Leave? 🥴💔🤔 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apologie production. I need your advice. Are you okay what happened?
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: to our bestie segment. Girl, my girl, this is the
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: place for you.
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of She Rises with your
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: favorite co host Ashley and Tiana.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: We've got another bestie segment. Will you guys write in
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: your anonymous submissions? Sticky situations, stories or something that you
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: just want an outside perspective. Maybe it's something really private
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: and you don't want everyone knowing your business, so you
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  Speaker 1: haven't told your friends and family, but you're feeling really
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: lonely in it. This is where we will give you
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: our unfiltered, raw, honest advice, just as we would together
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: as best friends. Yeah, so sit back, relax, and get comfy,
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: and let's get straight into it. Take it away, all right.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Today's submission is as I'm writing this, it seems more
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: real and like I'm saying it out loud. I never
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: thought I would be one of those women coming in
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: here to ask or say this. My partner and I
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: have been together for five years. In the past two years,
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: I found myself questioning whether he is the one I
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: think after listening to this podcast and having people ask
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: me if I will marry him, it got me thinking
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: he's my first partner. He is kind, patient, caring, and funny.
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  Speaker 1: He loves me for me. Honestly, I don't think I
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: could ever be with a guy who has such good traits.
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  Speaker 1: But he sometimes just annoys me so much, and some
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: days I'm like, oh do I want that? Like Sometimes
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: emotionally the conversations are so silly, although we can still
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: go deep, I find when he has a couple of
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  Speaker 1: beers he just raves on and on and it really
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  Speaker 1: annoys me. He was a heavy bonk smoker for seven
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  Speaker 1: years and has finally stopped, which I'm so thankful for
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: because when he did that. When he did smoke, he
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  Speaker 1: was so dopey and I just would get so annoyed.
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  Speaker 1: So he quit due to starting a new job. But
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: after work he has three to four beers of an AVO,
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  Speaker 1: gets tired and raves in silly and I find myself
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  Speaker 1: going to bed annoyed most nights. I can't pinpoint sometimes
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: why I question if I want to marry him. I
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: think maybe the drugs and alcohol annoyed me too much
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: when we first got together. He didn't have much money,
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  Speaker 1: and now he's gotten a great job that I applied
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  Speaker 1: for and does have some savings. Now he's quit smoking,
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  Speaker 1: so he's listening and doing all the things for me.
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  Speaker 1: But when I'm alone in my thoughts or listening to
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: this relationship podcast, I'm like, hmm, but is he for me?
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: Do you have any tips or tricks? I feel like
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: I could never leave him, and the thought of that
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: actually makes me sick. But sometimes when he annoys me,
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  Speaker 1: I think, for fuck's sake, I could leave now and
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  Speaker 1: not even feel sad about it. But I say that
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: in the moment. But now I've been living together for
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: a year and I love our life, our adventures and
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: all of our special interests, and I'm happy. But sometimes
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  Speaker 1: I think too much. And if there wasn't his pressure
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: from the outsiders, I don't think I would think about
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  Speaker 1: it too much, or would I. He never gets angry
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  Speaker 1: at me, he loves my body, he's respectful. What do
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: you think if I'm questioning it? Does that mean I
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: know he's not the one? But today, after he got
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: me flowers for having a tough week at work, I thought, yes,
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  Speaker 1: I could marry him. Don't need to do some work
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: around negative self talk and self sabotage. Ah, tell me,
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  Speaker 1: Like I said, if I was to leave, I don't
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  Speaker 1: think I could. I couldn't bring myself to do it.
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  Speaker 1: And genuinely, I don't think I can not see him
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: in my life. That's a big one. It is a
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: big one. I think alcohol is a big problem in
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: this dynamic. If he didn't drink, she wouldn't be getting
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  Speaker 1: annoyed and triggered, and he would just be his authentic self.
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  Speaker 1: When he's drinking, it's like that alter eo comes out
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  Speaker 1: and it just turns silly in like this little little
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  Speaker 1: boy energy.
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  Speaker 2: And sometimes when someone's choosing something, you can't isolate that
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  Speaker 2: one thing because it's like, well, they're choosing to do
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: that behavior, which impacts how they show up in the
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: entire relationship.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I'm curious. Have you spoken to him about
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: how you feel when he drinks, because there's nothing in
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: there that you like. He gave up the bongs, but
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: now he's replaced out the drinking. Have you said, when
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: you drink it makes me feel xyz. Then I feel disconnected,
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  Speaker 1: Then I'm annoyed. Then I don't want to have sex
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  Speaker 1: with you. Like it's this role on effect. Is that
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  Speaker 1: a conversation that you've had and if not, I would
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  Speaker 1: be having that and see if he's willing to maybe
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: give up the alcohol as well and see if that
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: improves your relationship, your dynamic, and your connection. Then you
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  Speaker 1: could see more clearly.
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  Speaker 2: It's important to have that conversation as well around what
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: your standards and boundaries are within the relationship because if
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: you are kind of just like letting it happen and
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: you're building resentment behind closed doors, naturally a relationship isn't
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: going to end up quite strong in the way that
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: you want it to. Ye, you know, because you're going
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: to be resentful for him for doing something that he
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: doesn't even know that you're upset about.
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  Speaker 1: Literally.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: But then if you voice your standards and boundaries, Hey,
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  Speaker 2: this is like a non negotiable for me in this
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  Speaker 2: relationship that in order to stay connected, feel connected, trust you,
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: love you, and to be able to build something together,
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  Speaker 2: then it's going to require this this and this is
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  Speaker 2: actually not what I see as a part of my
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  Speaker 2: future for me and my relationship. Yeah, I think that's
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  Speaker 2: important conversation I have.
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  Speaker 1: Definitely the end, He's not a mind reader if you
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  Speaker 1: communicated with him how that are call is making you feel,
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  Speaker 1: and how he behaves, and just because he's not abusive
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: or angry or anything like that, it can still not
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: be aligned with you if it's affecting your connection and
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: how you feel day to day. And this isn't just
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: on a Friday night, Yeah, this is like every single day.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: So maybe that's the conversation of like, hey, if you
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: want to have a couple of drinks, maybe go with
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: the boys and have some fun, but like day to day,
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  Speaker 1: the kind of life I want to live is like this.
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  Speaker 2: And the deeper question that I would ask is like,
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: is it the surface level thing of the drinking in
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: the bongs or is it like something deeper?
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  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
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  Speaker 2: Like, is that the surface level thing? Is that the
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: thing that really annoys you and you genuinely feel like
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: I'm solid in this relationship or is that the surface
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: level thing that triggers you and annoys you because you're
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: like one hundred percent not in it. Just because you
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: question something doesn't mean they're not the right one. We
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: all have doubts about everything that we do, but that's
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: only something that you know and feel when you listen
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: to that inner pool because like your internal compass will
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: tell you whether this is your person or not. And
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: sometimes we can look at the little things on top
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  Speaker 2: and be like, oh, it's annoying and this and that,
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: but yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Deeper, Yeah, is it something deeper? The one comment, I
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: could be reading into this so much, but how she
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  Speaker 1: said he's my first partner. Is there a little bit
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: of like, oh, do I know what I want? Do
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: I want to explore? I don't know. There could be
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: something in that, But I also could be reading into it. Yeah,
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: like have I lived? Yeah, Like I'm so glad I've
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: had a couple of different partners in different relationships to
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: really know what I like, what I don't like and
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  Speaker 1: or feels good. Whereas for her, she's got no comparison.
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  Speaker 1: Not that you want to compay your partners, No, one
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  Speaker 1: hundred percent.
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  Speaker 2: Though she doesn't have any context, there's no she's never
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: had any other experience outside of what she's experiencing now.
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  Speaker 1: And not to say that there's nothing.
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  Speaker 2: Wrong with that.
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  Speaker 1: He sounds like a beautiful man. Yeah, to give up
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: the bongs, He buys the flowers after a tough week.
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  Speaker 1: He listens, He respects her, he loves her, he's kind,
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  Speaker 1: he's funny, like it sounds like he's got a lot
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: of beautiful traits, which she acknowledged and said. The fact
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: she said if he was to leave, or if I
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: was to go, like it makes me feel sick. I
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: think that really shows how much she cares for him.
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  Speaker 1: When a girl is not feeling and she's numbed out,
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  Speaker 1: she's gone, she's gone six months ago.
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  Speaker 2: But then it's conflicting as well, because she also said
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  Speaker 2: I could leave and I wouldn't feel that.
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  Speaker 1: That's in the moment. I remember how we always say
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  Speaker 1: you can feel something in the moment, it doesn't have
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  Speaker 1: to mean anything. Yeah, that's true. I think in the
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: moment where she's triggered by the alcohol and it's being annoying,
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  Speaker 1: I get annoying people to drink around me. It's like, ah,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: it's not the same person. That's true, you know. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: especially when you're not a drinker yourself, you're really on
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  Speaker 1: a different vibration, You're on a different wavelength, you're on
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  Speaker 1: a different energy.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I think that's hard though as well.
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  Speaker 2: Though who they are when they're drinking also comes into
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  Speaker 2: everyday life.
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Yes and no, though I feel like some people are
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: just so different when they drink, but day to day
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: they're incredible. I see it quite separated, actually, but then
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: how you do anything is how you do everything.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I see how when they're so good like this,
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: but then that twenty percent kind of hinders the eighty
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  Speaker 2: percent where they're good because you're like, well, yeah, this
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: is amazing this much. But then you're also doing this
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: as well, and then it kind of impacts trust, and
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: then it impacts connection. Then it impacts the good things
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  Speaker 2: and all the good traits and if that becomes your
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: main focus. And she's frustrated right now because it is
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: the thing that's annoying her the most, she's not really
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  Speaker 2: able to see all the good stuff as much.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it sounds amazing, like you can have
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: this conversation with He's proven he can give off on
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  Speaker 1: something he's addicted to out the bombs, so it's more
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: than capable. I'd be having that conversation around like a row,
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  Speaker 1: Like I didn't think this is bothering me that much,
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: but it really is. And I just don't feel like
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: it's aligned with me. And when you do drink, I
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: don't feel as connected and I kind of find myself
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: pulling away and being annoyed, and I don't want that
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: disconnection between us. Is this something that you'd be willing
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: to try for three months of not drinking and we
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: see if it improves how I'm feeling in our relationships
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: because you're so important to me. I want this to work,
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: but I can't see this working long term. If we
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: were to continue like this.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: That's a beautiful way to look, you know, yeah, that's
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: a beautiful I reassure him.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: That you're not leaving, like I want to stay here.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I want to be here. But if I think about
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: myself in five years, I don't think I could keep
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: being annoyed at you every time you drink. It's going
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: to wear thin over time. You're like put up with
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: it so much it's like a boiling kettle like gets
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: hotter and hotter, and then the lid comes off and
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: it's like, oh yeah, I'm done.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and even getting clear on what your relationship in
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: five years time you want it to look, like show
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: him the vision of what that looks like for you both,
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: and like what actually said, Like it's really beautiful that
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: he has a lot of evidence that he can overcome
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: and he's willing.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: I think that's a good thing too.
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: Is really you can ask for a human Yeah, willing
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: to grow, willing to change, willing to overcome, like the addictions,
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: like what you were saying. So that's a really good sign.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: I think it's important to like kind of check all
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: the boxes first and make sure you've tried everything before
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: you kind of go into the all do I want
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: to leave things? Yeah? In terms of the self sabotage thing,
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: it doesn't necessarily have to be self sabotaged. You could
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: just be conflicted and that's okay. It doesn't mean that
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: you're self sabotaging. It means that there is something that
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: your body and mind is trying to tell you that
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: doesn't actually sit well with you. And that's something to
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: pay attention to, not something to fear.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: No, that's so true. But would love an update. Yeah,
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: give us an update if you're listening, go have that conversation. Yeah,
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: how you feel. Put some timelines in, like, hey, can
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: we just try this for three months yeap and see
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: how it feels like a trial and error. But if
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: he's willing, that's beautiful and he sounds like an amazing man,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: and it sounds like you really care for him, So
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: I think this is worth trying anything for. I just
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: think you never want to walk away from a relationship
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: until you've tried absolutely everything. Yeah, are one hundred percent
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: clear that there's no other option. I would never leave
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: relationship until I've explored every avenue. Yeah, So then when
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: you walk away, there's no wondering, there's no regret, there's
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: no what ifs. It's like I can confidently walk away
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: knowing I tried everything and that chapter had to be closed.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah. It's really important to get to your point because
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: then you know that you're not going to go back.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: You know that only I've done everything that I doubt yourself. Yeah,
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: and then you can hopefully as well, you know, human
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: for you. Yeah, for both of you. And it doesn't
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: have to be something that ends badly. It's something that
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: can be amicable. Hey, I love you, I respect you.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: We've done everything that we can. I don't really think
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: there's anything more that we can do, and then you
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: move on or it works out and you guys live
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: happily ever after.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: One hundred percent. Yeah, that's our advice, But give us
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: an update. We'd love to hear from.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: You amazing, Thank you so much for writing this in
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: And if anybody has any more stories around this, or
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: you've got any relationship struggles that you're kind of dealing
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: with and you need some advice and best the advice
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: you know, you can bring it in.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: It can be anything too around friendship, relationships, body like
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: literally anything that's going on in your life. You just
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: want that best of advice. Bring it in too much,
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: and the more context the better. We do some submissions
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: that's like two sentences like we can't give you advice,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: but not enough contexts, more contracts you tell us, the better. Yeah, thanks,
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: all right, guys, fine,