Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / Are Boundaries Like Estrangement Unhealthy or Is It Saying No to Harm? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Thinking Out Loud - Podcast: Have you ever felt like just a hamster running on a wheel, moving nonstop thinking you're getting somewhere only to realize you've been in a cage the whole time? ⁓ I once had a relationship where matter how much I tried, I was never good enough. ⁓ I was always the problem, Always in wrong. And it slowly drove insane until one day they took it too far. They called me a bad aunt. something in me snapped ⁓ suddenly memories came flooding back. This wasn't new. same voice that told me that protecting my peace made me a bad aunt. The same voice that pushed me to stay around someone who already had hurt me. Because apparently my boundaries made me the problem. But the person who assaulted me? They'd make a better uncle. And in that moment, everything became clear. I wasn't failing. I was being conditioned and for the first time in 10 years, I could finally see it. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Today's episode is heavy, but it has a purpose. This is a two-part episode release. Both parts are being released today. This is part one. And for context, I've had kids in my life who aren't biologically mine called me aunt. that word carries a lot of meaning for me. ⁓ This is my story and I'm choosing to tell it in a way that keeps the focus it belongs because I'm learning that healing isn't about centering the people who hurt you. It's about reclaiming my voice. For a long time, I looked back at everything with shame, now I'm learning to say Kimberly, I'm proud of you. But before we go further quick note this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. ⁓ what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. today's question, are boundaries like blocking distance and even enstrangement actually unhealthy, or are we finally starting to recognize? what it looks like to stop accepting harm just because it comes from someone close to us. It's crazy to look back now because I genuinely did not see it. At first, it didn't feel harmful. They spoiled me, took me on new adventures, encouraged me to get a job, get my license, make friends in college. I got to experience the world for ⁓ what felt the first time, ⁓ looking back, was never about what I wanted. I became their person, their go-to. ⁓ I paused my life, my ambitions, my direction and everything started revolving around them. ⁓ When they needed me, was there. No questions asked. I took care of their for free, helped manage their house for pennies showed up over and over and over again. Even when it costs me my safety, my emotional peace my independence and my entire twenties. ⁓ And the hardest part I thought. I was lucky because when things were good, they felt really good. was praised publicly as long as I was good, everything else that handled in private corrected, reframe discipline slowly. I became the problem. It started small at game nights. I was a difficult one. If I changed my major, I was disappointing people. If I distance myself from someone, even someone who hurt me, I was the issue. I didn't want to be around my assaulter. I pulled back, instead of being supported, I was pushed by this person to go back, and shamed into it. ⁓ was told people talking about me, making fun of me, don't worry. They had my back. ⁓ They told me others thought I only cared about gifts that I invited people to things to get something out of it. When really I missed them. I wanted connection and I also wanted to feel safe. I wasn't allowed to have both. And it didn't stop there. It followed me into college. when I struggled with a was told to be understanding, to give grace, ⁓ even when I felt targeted, ⁓ even when fell off, the person I framed me as emotional, but well meaning. ⁓ And that stuck ⁓ eventually it became too ⁓ the pressure, environment, the feeling of constantly wrong. I left that major ⁓ with one semester left, not because I couldn't do but because I couldn't survive it anymore. Then it showed up in my career. They helped me get a really good job, which I thought was support, somehow that same pattern followed. ⁓ people they were connected to started shaping how I was at my job. If I asked too questions, I was pushy. If I shared what I was learning, I was a know-it-all. If I try to understand something, it became something else entirely. Stories got twisted, ⁓ intentions got rewritten. ⁓ And once again, I was the problem. It even reached into my healthcare. They recommended my doctors said ⁓ they were helping And when I heard things like I made sure they know how to work with you. Remember, keep it at three things. Kimberly, you can be a bit scattered sometimes and slowly the way I saw myself started to change. ⁓ And then family, ⁓ was the hardest part. by the time things started to unravel, the narrative was already set. ⁓ emotional, ⁓ too much. And when I spoke up, it didn't land because if I'm the problem, then nothing I say can be trusted. Looking back now, I realized how isolated I became from friends, family, work, ⁓ weirdly, even my doctors. ⁓ space echoed the same message. Kimberly, you're overreacting. You're emotional. Just apologize. They're helping you. You're the problem. there were two people who saw through it, my husband and my best friend. And even then I didn't fully listen to them because that's what this kind of dynamic does. It doesn't just isolate you from others. It disconnects you from your own reality. And the craziest part for me ⁓ was something they said, Kimberly, you're the kind person If someone tells you, can't do something, you would do it anyway. ⁓ What happened to you? At time I felt lost. I thought they were encouraging me, looking back now, I don't think that was encouragement. I think it was another opportunity for them to shame me because the real answer was you happened. ⁓ You happened. I had been competing in a game. didn't know I was playing slowly intentionally. brick by brick. I was made to believe I was the problem. They knew my vulnerabilities. They knew my history and they used it against me. ⁓ cornered me, pushed me, poked me. then sit me down for long, convincing speeches about how I was a burden, how I was defensive, how I couldn't take accountability. And somehow they were the one being hurt. And eventually I break, finally snap, I'd be reactive, I get emotional. And right after they'd calm me down. and say, That was really bipolar of you, Kimberly. even their kids started mirror what they were saying behind my back. Comments about my body, my money, my intelligence. And at that time I excused it. ⁓ looking back now, their was confusion in too. ⁓ They were learning something they hadn't fully understood. still I stayed until something shifted. I got married and suddenly. I was replaced and the way they told me who wasn't subtle She's better with the kids. She helps more. She does things the right way. She now is the one that will take care of them if anything happens to me. ⁓ And I remember feeling confused because I didn't want that role anymore, it's still I didn't realize I had only ever been valued for what I provided. I didn't realize I was replaceable. And then they asked for help again, right after my fertility treatments were unsuccessful. They poured into me in this conversation when they needed my help. ⁓ Reassurance ⁓ even made me believe this why I didn't get pregnant. This whole situation, it just wasn't meant to be. ⁓ I was meant to help. them solve their chaos. and somehow it wasn't idea. It became my idea to help. So I did, even when it was hard, even when my husband stepped in because I was overwhelmed. And when I finally said, I can't do this anymore. That's when they came back to. Kimberly, you're a bad aunt. And in that moment, a memory hit the time I didn't want to be around the person who assaulted me. And instead of asking why I was told that protecting myself made me a bad aunt that they would make a better uncle than I ever could. And suddenly everything connected the pattern, the pressure, the control, the way love was used to keep me in place because I love those kids. deeply and that love was used against me every time I got close to leaving. That was the hook, this time it didn't work I finally saw it ⁓ finally bet. If you think I'm such a bad aunt, why even bother anymore? And That moment wasn't an isolation moment for me. I realized this isn't going to be the first time nor will it be the last. This was a pattern. And once you see it, you can't unsee it. Death by a thousand cuts. That's what it felt like. That's what I realized in that moment. Not one event, a thousand small cuts over time. Maybe it should be branded a thousand cuts. didn't notice. ⁓ I didn't recognize what was anymore. And that's the part people don't talk about when the pattern becomes clear, you don't get to go back and call it miscommunication ⁓ or having a hard time. have to decide what you're going to do with it. back to the question, ⁓ are boundaries distance blocking or even in meant actually unhealthy. Or are we finally learning what it looks like to stop accepting harm just because it comes from someone else we love? me, boundaries were not the problem. They were the first honest thing I had done in years when someone benefits from you ⁓ no boundaries, of course they're going to call them toxic when you finally set them. ⁓ that doesn't make them right. It means the dynamic changed ⁓ and that's what this really is. Not abandonment, not cruelty, but clarity protecting your peace doesn't look like love to the people who were used you sacrificing it, that doesn't mean it isn't love ⁓ for you.