Latest / Questionable Detour / Ruining your kids, raising moral, and giving advice to those in need

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Ruining your kids, raising moral, and giving advice to those in need · Questionable Detour

• 0:00
  Excuse me, what is going on here?
• 0:04
  But first we're going to make a little detour.
• 0:09
  So absurd, so questionable.
• 0:12
  I guess we're just the weirdos.
• 0:15
  Expect the detour.
• 0:25
  Let's give a rendition of what our NPR podcast might be like.
• 0:29
  Like, welcome to the questionable detour NPR.
• 0:32
  Today, I am here with Alan and Evan, and we're going to be talking about
• 0:35
  the usefulness of knees to the public.
• 0:38
  Evan is an expert in knees.
• 0:42
  Yes. Yeah, knees have been around for quite some time now.
• 0:47
  Some might say by since the dawn of time, do I think they're useful? Sure.
• 0:52
  You got to bend down, pick some stuff up every now and then.
• 0:55
  What happens when you sit down and you got to get back up?
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  What happens then? You got to use your knees.
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  Really, to understand the usefulness of knees, we first need to give
• 1:03
  some perspective on what knees do for us.
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  And by and by that, we must think about the reality of if humans
• 1:10
  didn't have knees, what the world would be like.
• 1:13
  Now, with me is Alan, and he is a theoretical knee expert.
• 1:18
  Alan, if humans didn't have knees, what would the world entail?
• 1:22
  Well, Zach, that's a great question.
• 1:23
  And I'd love to thank you guys for allowing me to come on the program today.
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  A world without knees is absolute terror.
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  Riots in the streets.
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  Cattle assaulted.
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  Children hung from buildings.
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  Everyone is very short now because they have no kneecaps.
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  They are inches shorter.
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  Now, one might think, what does a few inches really do in the grand scheme of things?
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  It adds.
• 1:57
  That sounds terrifying.
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  What can we do to prevent this world from happening, Alan?
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  Is there anything?
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  Are we doomed to be a species that walks around like pirates with peg legs?
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  As a theoretical knee physicist, I think it is 100% probable that this future is going to happen.
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  It may be months, it may be hours, but this future will come to pass.
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  Not even years.
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  It's all that's terrifying.
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  We know it'll happen in a year.
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  Within the year, we will all have no knees.
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  We will all walk around.
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  Could you imagine?
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  Could you imagine a riot with people with no knees just like walking around like peg legs?
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  Just like walking back and forth the vault.
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  Where do you hit the people if they don't have knees?
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  I don't know.
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  They have no weakness.
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  It's the next evolution in the human species.
• 3:01
  Welcome to Questionable Detour.
• 3:03
  Let's do some hypotheticals.
• 3:05
  Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
• 3:09
  I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
• 3:13
  Well, that's a hypothetical question.
• 3:15
  All right, so for our first hypothetical in today's episode, we're going to give it people advice,
• 3:21
  leaders advice, the people that are heading up companies and maybe even countries.
• 3:26
  And the question today is, if your team's morale is low, they're sad, despondent, just depressed,
• 3:33
  you as leaders, how do you get morale back up?
• 3:37
  Boost team spirit is another way to say that?
• 3:40
  Yes, to boost team spirit.
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  I would say when morale is low, things are looking tough.
• 3:47
  And this can be for sports team, work team, military, any of those options.
• 3:54
  I think the best way to boost morale is an ankle massage train.
• 3:59
  Now, if I'm following you, you want people to lay down on the floor,
• 4:04
  head to foot, massaging each other's ankles.
• 4:07
  Yeah, it's optimal when you are eye level with their ankles.
• 4:12
  So laying on the floor is probably, I would say, the best way to do it.
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  I think you've got your train conductor, if you will, I'm going to say he's the leader.
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  Laying down on the ground, the next person laying down eye level with his foot.
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  And it just follows like that.
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  You're basically a train of people massaging ankles.
• 4:29
  But to optimize it, you really want your face to be eye level with an ankle.
• 4:35
  Well, I know both of you guys have given ankle massages.
• 4:37
  I think I walked in and you guys were giving each other ankle massages.
• 4:40
  It really does help really get the endorphins rolling, you know?
• 4:43
  Yeah.
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  And I find that the ankle is the most tense.
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  That's where a lot of the tension rests in your body.
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  And look it up.
• 4:52
  Science will agree with me, I believe.
• 4:54
  I probably won't.
• 4:55
  I don't need that in my certs history.
• 4:57
  Ankle massages.
• 4:58
  No, I agree.
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  I got an ankle massage one time and my ankles were so tense that when I left,
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  I was no longer an angry person.
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  I didn't want to fight 13 million little children.
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  Oh my gosh.
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  That sounds like you solved a big issue with the ankle massages.
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  And adopted kids.
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  Did you?
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  Oh, yeah.
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  Seven.
• 5:19
  Wow.
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  It's supposed to.
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  Half.
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  Seven and a half.
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  Oh, a half.
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  Now, explain the half.
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  I don't have to explain anything, do you?
• 5:25
  No, okay.
• 5:27
  You're not in court.
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  Nobody's incriminating you.
• 5:30
  Now, Alan, so I assume if you're running a business, an office,
• 5:35
  you get there, everybody gets their eight o'clock clocks in.
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  Do you immediately start running the train on each other?
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  Is that how you phrase it?
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  You have like an air horn like, let's run the train.
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  It's like when people are running a program on the computer, they say,
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  I see how we got to run the program.
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  Well, I say, well, we got to run the train.
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  And people just kind of lay around the office, just massage.
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  What they do is, you know, our offices, most offices are cubicles.
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  They just try and fall out of their chair where they're sitting.
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  Generally, they're not very far away from somebody else.
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  You're very, very other fallen body and very small office.
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  They just crawl.
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  You're not allowed to use your ankles.
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  Can't use your during their so well, they're so tense, you know, sir.
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  You can't use your ankles.
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  So they just kind of crawl to the nearest ankle
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  and they start doing what they're hired to do.
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  You hired them to massage each other's ankle.
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  They know when they come to this company, they know this is a possibility.
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  And by possibility, it's a definite it's going to happen twice daily.
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  So when they interview, you say the job is to massage each other's ankles.
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  How do you make money in this business?
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  That's not the job.
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  The job, I mean, can be anything.
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  This is just like something we provide.
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  So when they come in for an interview, I have a model ankle sitting on the table.
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  And I and after, you know, they're like, I have all this experience,
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  whatever, whatever, I don't care.
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  I slide that ankle over to them, give them a little knowing nod.
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  And I say, go ahead.
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  Go ahead.
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  Let me see what you're working.
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  Let's run that.
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  Run that by me.
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  Do you also put your your ankle slash foot up on the on the desk?
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  And look at these bad boys.
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  Look, look how relaxed these are.
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  If I notice that they're nervous, I throw my leg up on the table and I'm like,
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  see these things, not tense.
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  Sakele's has never been torn.
• 7:31
  Now, let me ask you, I'm sure the train conductor
• 7:34
  is a prominent position in your office.
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  How do you get the privilege of being a train conductor?
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  So it is sort of a sort of a coveted position and it's done based off of merit.
• 7:44
  Obviously, not merit at your job.
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  Merit at how good you are at giving the ankle massages.
• 7:51
  So we have we have a series of surveys that we give out after after each train is ran
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  and whoever receives the best marks, they're allowed to be the conductor.
• 8:01
  That's nice.
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  It's a good little system.
• 8:02
  And as a train conductor, do you have to do any kind of like, I don't know,
• 8:07
  just to get the train going.
• 8:09
  Do you have to say, Choo Choo?
• 8:12
  Whoa, my voice just cut out.
• 8:13
  Choo Choo.
• 8:14
  Do you have to say Choo Choo?
• 8:20
  Do you switch back to NPR mode?
• 8:21
  He said, Choo Choo.
• 8:23
  Choo Choo.
• 8:30
  Yeah, that's that's actually what we say.
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  As soon as we have as everybody is collecting, collecting the nearby ankles,
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  we'll have someone just makes themselves loose around.
• 8:43
  It sounds like you have them in drawers and cabinets, like collecting the loose ankles.
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  It's sort of a bit of a call and response.
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  The person, the conductor, he says all aboard, everyone that that's grabbed ankle.
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  They respond with a hearty Choo Choo.
• 9:01
  Oh, it's a hearty.
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  So I thought it was going to be more of a seductive Choo Choo, like Evan decided he wanted to do.
• 9:06
  No, that is that'll bring a lawsuit about nobody wants to do that.
• 9:13
  I didn't even want to do that.
• 9:16
  OK, so once it gets started and everybody's starting to toe to warm up their fingers to
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  get the ankles warmed up and loose, do they start going like chug chug chug chug chug chug?
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  And then as it keeps going, it gets a little faster.
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  It's like chug chug chug chug chug chug.
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  Until everybody is just warmed up and just absolutely going to town on some ankles.
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  We do have a warm up period.
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  Where everybody is encouraged to not chew chew fully until they're fully warmed up.
• 9:53
  Right.
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  So they do start off with a very low ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch and then once they build up to
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  maximum build up to the maximum level, the climax, if you will.
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  The climax of their train.
• 10:09
  Yeah, go ahead.
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  Then they're encouraged to respond more.
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  How long does this normally take like from start to finish?
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  Well, at my company, we work 11 hour days and that's because two of those hours are massage.
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  Yeah, is that seven days a week?
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  Seven days a week.
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  Yeah, because what happens if we get stressed on the weekends?
• 10:28
  Exactly.
• 10:29
  Who's going to massage your ankle?
• 10:30
  Yeah, no, I get that.
• 10:32
  At the end of your sessions, is there a steam whistle that kind of just announces that it's over?
• 10:37
  Yeah, usually it's the guy at the caboose.
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  He actually has a he has a little steam whistle. It's got a little pull chain on it and he pulls
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  it and that kind of that kind of ends the ends the massage, the morning massage or the afternoon
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  massage.
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  And then once it ends now, I don't I mean, I don't want to speak for you, but normally whenever I
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  hear a steam whistle, it kind of provokes like a get back to work now and everybody just starts
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  sweating, toiling at their work.
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  Do you imagine Alan runs a sweatshop? Is this what it sounds like? That's what steam whistles usually do.
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  Not the environment that we want to portray. However, is it convenient that the whistle ends
• 11:19
  the massage and begins the work? Who's to say?
• 11:22
  Yeah, I know you have a plaque over your door of your doorway once you're walking in.
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  Weirdly, it's in German. I don't do is it. Do you have a German company?
• 11:31
  I don't even I'm not even sure that I know anything. Who's German? What's what are the Germans
• 11:36
  again? It's a country, but we won't we won't dwell on that.
• 11:40
  They're they're they're people that don't wash. They're very germy.
• 11:43
  Yeah, you know, they speak German language.
• 11:46
  Yes, but the plaque roughly translates to work makes freedom.
• 11:53
  Mm hmm. I just noticed that that that you have that on your I don't know if you want to.
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  I forgot that Evan is fluent in German. Yeah, I didn't read German.
• 12:01
  That's that's a little bit a little bit concerning. Yeah. So it's concerning to you.
• 12:05
  You put it up. We're just going to end it on maybe I'm a Nazi.
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  Maybe you're running a concentration camp. I don't know.
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  We'll know if you want to defend yourself at all on that one.
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  But I'm pretty sure I just flawlessly said I don't even know what Germans are.
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  So I don't know how to defend myself.
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  Yeah, I don't know. It seems like a good defense.
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  Like, I don't know how you can refute that. I'm not a Nazi.
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  I don't know. Even the Germans are.
• 12:33
  Evan, how about you, buddy? How do you how are you going to raise morale?
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  So what I'm going to do to raise morale and boost team spirit,
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  I'm going to hold a series of seances. Oh, that's nice. Yeah.
• 12:43
  Yeah. And just call upon the another dimension, another realm to to bring more spirits into the
• 12:50
  workplace. Oh, I see. I see. I see. I see. Alan, when we say we need to boost spirits at work.
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  This is a man who understood the exercise.
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  There's nothing that boost morale like the dead, you know, the haunting has never hurt anyone.
• 13:09
  So let me go. Let me ask you this question. So the day starts.
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  Everybody gets there at eight o'clock. Morales low.
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  How do how do you normally go about boosting the spirits?
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  So what we'll do is we'll get everyone around and we'll draw a circle in the in the middle of the
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  floor, clear out the desks, push them to the side where we have all the desks unrolling
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  because this happens pretty much every day. It's really convenient.
• 13:30
  Yeah. Yeah. They're all on wheels.
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  So we push them to the side and we get to work on lighting the candles and in the circular pattern.
• 13:38
  And maybe there's a little star painted on the ground in a red substance that I can't really.
• 13:44
  This is no longer Sonic a seance and more like you're summoning a demon.
• 13:47
  So we'll uh, we'll get the red stuff on the ground and the red substance, strawberry jam.
• 13:59
  Yeah, sure. We've caught it that before. It's uh, it looks like paint, but it's a little bit thicker.
• 14:05
  Does it come out of something like something that was once alive and now is dead and now you have a
• 14:09
  lot of the red stuff around that way? You have a lot of goats behind your place.
• 14:13
  There is a lot of goats behind his place of business. I thought he did something. I thought
• 14:18
  he sold goats. I thought he sold goats. I thought your whole business was goat milk.
• 14:21
  Can't confirm nor deny any of these statements you're making. Um, we do have a lot of goats,
• 14:27
  yes, but that's just because we, we like to have them around. They, they're playful. They
• 14:33
  make fun noises. They do. We like to keep those around so that the, what noise do they make again?
• 14:40
  A little bar. Okay. You know, so the employees like to go out there and see them every now and
• 14:45
  then sure. The numbers dwindled day by day. Every time we have a seance, there's one less goat,
• 14:51
  but they're not connected. Okay. Cause a son of a quarter. Exactly. You can't pin that on me. Sure.
• 14:57
  There's a theme in this episode. Yeah. So anyway, once we get these candles lit and everyone gathers
• 15:04
  around the circle, we all hold hands. We lowly but firmly repetitively say our company motto.
• 15:12
  I think the next question we should ask Alan is what is your company motto? I agree. It's in Latin
• 15:18
  and I'm not sure what it translates to. So I don't know if I could repeat it here. I don't want to
• 15:23
  go on a Latin spiel. So we'll, I'll just let you know it's in Latin, but we do say it repetitively
• 15:30
  while the candors are lit, the wind starts swirling about and things start to rise up from the middle
• 15:35
  of the red circle. And what, what are those things? Spirits spirits, spirits, spirits. So if I could
• 15:42
  ask, are these friendly spirits? Are they malevolent creatures? Sure. What happens once they are
• 15:50
  summoned? How does, how does the spirits help your business be productive? So Alan, to answer your
• 15:55
  question depends on who you ask Zach to answer your question. They help us by really just taking
• 16:03
  over the bodies of our workers and getting work done. Whatever that means to that worker at that
• 16:12
  time, whatever work he has on his plate, he gets that done. What does your business do? I don't
• 16:17
  really think that's important. Okay. I'd say I kind of like where this is going. I think what
• 16:23
  is going, I think we could probably time these seances perfectly. Maybe if you have them at about
• 16:29
  two after lunch is over with, when they get kind of sluggish, maybe they're ready for their
• 16:34
  afternoon nap. They're not working as hard quick seance, grab some spirits, get them, get them
• 16:41
  puppeteering these people's bodies, get work done. Yeah, no, I agree with you. That's a great time
• 16:47
  to do it. We do it in the, in the mornings just because we want people to be productive throughout
• 16:52
  the day. Yeah. Yeah. Mornings. Yeah. Some people slack when they come in the morning, they're tired.
• 16:55
  How long do the spirits tend to reside in the body? How long's the workday? They're productive
• 17:02
  members of society. They work a good nine to five. Okay. Once it, once it hits five o'clock, the,
• 17:07
  the spirits come back down. Yeah. Yeah. The spirits are like, so they're punching the clock too. Yeah.
• 17:12
  And they're like, I gotta get back to the ethereal world. Yeah. Somewhere in a different realm,
• 17:18
  there's this spirit that hits some spiritual alarm clock and goes, see you honey. Yep. Honey
• 17:25
  demon. I am demon. I'm gotta go to work. And he sits at some kind of maybe bus or train,
• 17:35
  a different type of train, train station, waiting for Evan's business to summon him.
• 17:42
  So what do these spirits look like? Are they just, do they look like a standard ghost? Are
• 17:48
  they creatures of some sort? There's a mix. So we've had Winston Churchill, we've had
• 17:53
  that's Joe blow get work done. Yeah. But then there's also, um, creatures per se that they come
• 17:59
  out, they have little horns, they have flaws and those are the, the cool ones that you like to have
• 18:04
  around. Those are the ones you, you want to get possessed by those because boy, they take you for
• 18:09
  a wild ride. All right. So it seems like out of three of us, one of us runs a sweatshop. The other
• 18:19
  is in some sort of satanic cult, but we're not going to talk about it. I, I, it's fine. You're
• 18:24
  so holy. Let's hear yours. It's fine. It's fine. Uh, my business is something simple. We bottle
• 18:28
  water. Okay. Not that's your immoral. Not yet. That's our business. Not it's not immoral and
• 18:33
  it's not satanic, you know, in the bottle, the bottle water industry is stressful. So morale gets
• 18:38
  low constantly. And so what I do is in the morning, eight o'clock comes in, we shut off the lights,
• 18:44
  lights go off. It's dark. We put stuff over the windows so no light gets in. I let loose a tiger
• 18:51
  in the, in, in the office. And you can say, Zach, Zach, why do you let a killing animal loose in
• 18:58
  your office to boost morale? And it's, and it's one philosophical answer there. I'm glad y'all
• 19:02
  asked that it's because they need perspective on what's good in life. They come in low morale,
• 19:08
  man, they hate their work. Bottling water all day. It's wet. It's you, you leave chafed all of a
• 19:14
  sudden in the morning, in the morning, a tiger's let loose. You survive that morning. You go
• 19:19
  bottling water is not that bad. So here's how it goes. They come in, lights go out,
• 19:24
  tie. They see the tiger coming in. They know what's happening. Let's go out. I say, it's great.
• 19:29
  Right. Tiger, you're going to hear the cage rise up. The tiger growls. It lets loose. You have
• 19:38
  people forming groups to survive. They're hiding behind file cabinets. They're hiding behind
• 19:44
  cubicles. They've made makeshift spears out of just things they can find around the office.
• 19:50
  They are fighting this tiger. They are fighting to survive. Some of them stab each other in the back
• 19:55
  with the spear maybe, but also maybe they push them out in front of the tiger. The tiger attacks
• 19:59
  them. They survive to bottle water the next day and it gives them fantastic perspective. And they
• 20:06
  go, life isn't so bad. I guess it's a lot better than getting attacked by a tiger every morning.
• 20:10
  And it's working great. It's showing great results within the workforce. Great results
• 20:19
  within the workforce. So when do you guys reign the tiger in? Like how many have to die before?
• 20:26
  Well, you see, it's not really a kill count thing. It's more of a time thing. So it lasts for about
• 20:32
  an hour and that's very dependent on how low the morale is. Morale is low and I think they need just
• 20:39
  extra perspective. It might go from an hour to up to two days of just fighting for their lives
• 20:46
  against a rabid tiger in the office. So I mean, I often, often have to rehire an entire workforce
• 20:54
  because that tiger mauled about 36 people. And you did say the tiger gets let loose that they know
• 21:01
  what's coming. So these people have been here before and they keep coming back? Yes, I do not
• 21:06
  hire people that are in a good place in life. Wow. They are people that need money desperately. So
• 21:12
  they have to keep coming back. I guess that's smart by you. They are really just literally risking
• 21:17
  their lives. So is there water? Well, for money, I pay them in money. I don't bottle water and then
• 21:21
  I pay them in water. You're making it sound like they may be poor enough to just need water as
• 21:28
  well. Is there any on the job training as far as fighting this tiger or is that something that they
• 21:36
  have to bring? Absolutely not. And I don't tell them in the interview process. Probably I go,
• 21:40
  you're hired. You're a great water bottler. First day they come in, they're like, do you, does this
• 21:46
  office have a mascot? There's a tiger in here. I smile and say, you know, go sit at your desk.
• 21:53
  All of a sudden you hear it. It's great. Like shut off. They're like, what is going on? Tiger lets
• 22:01
  out and you know, they have to survive on the fly. And again, I'm looking for people that have good
• 22:05
  attributes and being able to handle yourself on the fly is a great attribute that I look for.
• 22:08
  I would say one thing that might, might help your company out is maybe a little bit of outsourcing.
• 22:14
  Okay. Some countries are known for fighting tigers and also known for outsourcing. Can you name?
• 22:21
  I'm not tracking. Do you have a country of mine there? Do you have the name and number of this
• 22:27
  location? I think it's pretty obvious. It's a 1-800-INDIA. Do they find tigers? I mean,
• 22:35
  I've seen the, uh, the classic, the jungle book. Um, they seem, that seems to be all they do.
• 22:44
  Are you basing your knowledge off an entire country that holds a giant population of this
• 22:50
  planet's people off a movie that was made in the sixties by a Disney kids, kids movie. You know,
• 22:57
  there was a guy that wrote the book, an old dear friend of mine, Rudyard Kipling. He, uh, Rudyard
• 23:06
  wrote this book, you know, probably an outsider looking in, seeing that these people were afraid
• 23:11
  of the tiger. Yeah. However, years later, we're, they're known for outsourcing workflow.
• 23:19
  Call centers, call centers do seem like they use a lot of people from India. So I mean,
• 23:24
  they might bring some good skills into, uh, it's not a bad point. I will have to talk to my recruiter
• 23:30
  who recruits work, but also recruits new tigers too. So I'll, I'll talk to him, see what he thinks
• 23:36
  about that idea. That's a good idea. It's a tough office. It's a tough office. And I feel morally
• 23:42
  superior to you too, because y'all have a sweatshop and a satanic cold. So I, I am much better. My
• 23:49
  office is a lot more well run. You do keep saying satanic coal, which is a little offensive. They're
• 23:53
  seances. I had tomato, tomato, I guess it really depends on who you ask what it is.
• 23:59
  All right. So our next hypothetical has to do with young kids. So the question is,
• 24:06
  what is a way that you can ruin your kid? What do I have children?
• 24:11
  And you inevitably will. You're a viral, attractive guy. And you will eventually have kids.
• 24:16
  And the next three months, they will constantly live in light. They will never see darkness.
• 24:23
  They will not know that darkness exists. Anytime they're in a room, the light will be on. And
• 24:28
  during the day, the windows will always be open. And when it gets dark outside, I'll throw them in
• 24:32
  a room and I'll keep the lights on. They will never know darkness. Now, how does this ruin the
• 24:38
  child? Because it sounds very poetic. Your children never seeing darkness. So once they get 18, hit
• 24:45
  18 and they're kicked out of my house, they will finally understand that there is a darkness.
• 24:50
  There is a day and there is a night. They'll go into their first night and they won't be able to
• 24:56
  see anywhere because their eyes have not adapted to be able to see in the dark. They've only known
• 25:03
  light as their eyes developed. That's one fear that will definitely have. I cannot imagine the
• 25:08
  first time they walk outside and it is dark, the panic they would have. I mean, imagine living
• 25:15
  your whole life in dark. You walk outside, it's dark, there's no sun in the sky. I mean, everybody
• 25:20
  the world is ending. Yep. And that would be, you know, the first night that they go through that
• 25:25
  kind of, I'll kick them out once the sun goes down and I'll be like, this is what life is like without
• 25:30
  me in it. It's dark and barren. And they'll, I'll say, you can't come back inside. You have to stay
• 25:37
  out. You have to live your own life. So the first, you know, 12 hours that they're away from me,
• 25:42
  they're in pure darkness. They, they don't know what's happening. Um, and they're depressed. They
• 25:47
  think that this is all life is outside of my home and you know, outside of life with me. And then
• 25:53
  once like, you know, 6 AM hits and the sun starts coming up, just the relief that will wash over
• 25:59
  their body. I feel like you should time it. When the sun starts coming up, you just walk through
• 26:03
  the door. So it seems like you brought back the light, you know, like maybe you're wearing a right
• 26:08
  white robe and your, your arms are spread and you're just kind of floating into their room as
• 26:16
  they're cowering in a corner because there's no light. Yeah. I'll say the prodigal son has returned
• 26:23
  about yourself. They're your kids. I am the son and the father. Wow. Though I guess it makes sense.
• 26:30
  The prodigal son. Yeah, that's uh, that's my plan. Well, I think as the inventor, uh,
• 26:38
  the, the mind behind blinds, I think, uh, I think that's really, really a great way to ruin your kid.
• 26:46
  With, with blinds, you'll constantly have that light in the house with blinds. You can constantly
• 26:52
  cook one spot of meat. Thanks for the add out. Shout out there. That's a good shout out. That's
• 27:00
  very good. That's a very good way to ruin your kids. I'll go ahead and give mine. And mine's
• 27:05
  actually relatively similar to Evan's. It has to do with light and darkness, but I took a different
• 27:10
  spin on it. I am going to teach my kids that they have to pray the sun up every morning
• 27:19
  that every morning we get up and I'll have to time it before the sun rises every morning.
• 27:23
  And then we get around in a circle and we pray, we pray hard that the sun will rise today to the
• 27:29
  point that I teach them that we are the only ones that have this power. We're the only ones that
• 27:34
  are responsible for the sun coming up every day. And if we miss that morning's prayer for the sun
• 27:39
  to come up, the sun will not rise. So for the most part, for most of their life, they're not
• 27:45
  ruined. This is a, this is a habit. This is a ritual that we do until they are in high school
• 27:50
  and they start meeting other people because they have never met another person until now.
• 27:54
  Obviously I gave them school energy. Very cult. I keep them quarantined. So they get out,
• 28:01
  they finally get out into the world. They maybe sleep over at somebody's house, having to sleep
• 28:05
  over, having a good time, you know, being with people. All of a sudden their alarm goes up,
• 28:10
  their prayer alarm goes off. They frantically get out of bed, start praying in the middle of
• 28:15
  their friend's floor. Their friends get up. They're like, what, what are you doing?
• 28:19
  Uh, Lizard Tom, what are you, what are you, what are you doing? Lizard Tom? He's like,
• 28:25
  I'm praying the sun to come up. And they're looking at him confused. Maybe one day I switch
• 28:31
  off the prayer alarm. They frantically go up, they go, oh my gosh, I missed the alarm. They start
• 28:36
  crying in fear that the sun will not rise today. I think it's pretty cool because you could turn
• 28:43
  their prayer alarm off and they could come downstairs and just see you sweating on the
• 28:47
  floor as if you alone prayed that sun passed out on the floor. You're like, you did not pull your
• 28:55
  weight this morning, Lizard Tommy. You, you obviously don't wake up and pray. And I had to
• 28:59
  do it all myself. I don't have the time to come up there and get you out of bed. Lizard Tommy,
• 29:06
  eventually you're going to have to take responsibility. And whenever they're meeting
• 29:09
  these other kids in high school and whatnot, maybe you could, uh, start to pull some of these kids
• 29:14
  onto your side. Maybe they could convince them that they're the ones that are bringing the sun
• 29:19
  up every day. The kids are like, well, I mean, I guess I can't prove Lizard Tommy wrong. So,
• 29:26
  and they just think that you're mystical beings. Maybe we should help Lizard Tommy pray. And then
• 29:31
  I say that like the more people you get, the easier it is. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. It's like
• 29:35
  lifting weight. Like, you know, the more people you have, the easier it is to get up. And then
• 29:39
  eventually you, you buy a plot of land and you build a bunch of buildings on it for all your, uh,
• 29:45
  people to, uh, live on that follow you. You're getting it. You're going where I'm going. Uh,
• 29:51
  and then maybe we, I say that the mothership is coming and we all get on the mothership.
• 29:56
  Yeah, we have to leave our physical bodies
• 30:01
  to enter our ethereal bodies. There you go. I like that a lot. Just tell them that the,
• 30:06
  the ending point of your, of your cult is you will eventually travel to the sun where it won't have
• 30:11
  to be raised again. Oh, I like that. That's a good, all right. What about you? What, uh,
• 30:16
  what's your way to ruin your future child? I think the best way to ruin them is to have them
• 30:22
  carry around the thing that their body will be buried in from a very early age. They have to
• 30:32
  decide earn or coffin pick it, pick it now. It's very early. They don't even, they don't even have
• 30:40
  really the frame of reference of what they're choosing, but I'm yelling at them earn or coffin
• 30:44
  and whatever their two week old hand falls closer to that's what they, that's what they pick.
• 30:51
  Do you have a two week kid on the ground? Do you want the worms to eat your body or the fire?
• 31:02
  That's what I sound like too. Yeah. When I do it. Carnival Barker.
• 31:07
  Barker 1940s transatlantic accent. All right, child. You can either have the worms eat your
• 31:15
  body or the fire can consume your body. So yeah. Um, and let's say they pick earn. Well, that kid's
• 31:24
  got to travel around everywhere he goes with his earn because what happens if he dies? He doesn't
• 31:30
  have a server. I want them to know that I'm not responsible for their funeral expenses.
• 31:34
  I want them to know that I'm not, I'm not providing them an earn. They need to, they, they better make
• 31:40
  sure their earn is on them at all times because they won't be getting it from me. They keep that
• 31:44
  thing strapped, keep that thing strapped. They have it, you know, come up with a little rigging
• 31:51
  where they carry it on their back. The coffin is a little bit harder logistically, a little more
• 31:57
  difficult. And do you have to like, like get a new coffin as they grow older or you just buy them
• 32:02
  like an adult one when they're a two year old or two, two week old and hope it just carries them?
• 32:07
  You have to fit them in a baby coffin if they die as an adult. No, they are forced to carry their full size body.
• 32:13
  Oh my gosh. Okay. Okay. Okay. So they've got to lug that thing around. It's a little bit more
• 32:17
  inconvenient, but it does, they are the cool kids on snow days because they have their own sled.
• 32:26
  Well, let's say a biotar shows up on the set. They're like, oh yeah, a biotar is here. He's just
• 32:30
  pushing his coffin like it's a, like it's a grocery store buggy. No, we don't make them. I mean, they can
• 32:38
  drag it with a piece of rope. They want to or a chain or something, extension cord, what have you.
• 32:43
  We don't make them do that though. I mean, if they, if they want to purchase a dolly wagon, they're
• 32:48
  more than welcome to do that. Uh, it gets easier when they have a, when they have a car because
• 32:53
  sure, sure. They can, they can put it in the trunk, put it in the bed of their truck or they can get a
• 32:58
  hearse. Optimal car for my kids is a hearse because historically they're the ones that carry coffins.
• 33:08
  Yeah, that's right. What if, what car do they get if they get an urn to pick the urn at an early age?
• 33:12
  You know, I don't really think that it, that it matters, but what I, what I did, I picked an urn.
• 33:18
  I drive a flat bed truck and I stick the urn in the middle of the bed and I've got one single strap
• 33:27
  going over top of it. It's cinched down tight. That urn's not going anywhere. Absolutely.
• 33:35
  It's a conversation piece at that point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And God forbid a stray rock from a
• 33:40
  car in front of you just makes it over into the flat bread truck, flat bread truck. The flat,
• 33:45
  you have the bread truck. You're driving a bread truck. Makes it into the flat bed truck and just
• 33:49
  cracks that urn. That's it brings up a question. What happens if like say your child loses the urn
• 33:55
  or breaks the coffin or vice versa? What's the, what's the punishment there? Yeah. What happens?
• 34:00
  Well, the punishment is obviously they have to build or craft their own urn or coffin,
• 34:07
  but it's going to be kind of hard to do that when they're locked in a barn.
• 34:11
  So they locked in a barn normally, or is this the punishment part of the, that's the, that's the
• 34:16
  punishment. I'm not, I'm not a psycho here. I'm just a dad trying to raise my kids here. Come on.
• 34:23
  A little death in mind, you know? You know, they spend a week in the barn to think about sort of
• 34:29
  what they've, what they've done. Um, and then they, they're, they come out and they're forced to
• 34:35
  obviously craft their coffin or urn again. Some handy kids. You know, we, we teach them the ways
• 34:40
  of the, the saw, the ways of the chisel from a very young age. I mean, other than the social
• 34:45
  aspect of this, it's not really ruining the kid. It gives them good perspective. Yeah. It teaches
• 34:50
  them the finiteness of life. Yeah. And nothing's a better teacher than the grim reaper. I think so.
• 34:56
  You should hire Evan, dress him as a grim reaper, always have him in random places throughout their
• 35:01
  life. And then like, gosh, I have my urn. It's a good thing I've got this here.
• 35:07
  You will need to buy me the costume, but I provide my own scythe.
• 35:11
  I I'm seeing a fantastic business opportunity. My kids are going to love it.
• 35:15
  All right. So we got a cult, um, someone that's obsessed with death and, uh, whatever I said,
• 35:24
  you've already forgotten. Don't remember what it was. Maybe you should, maybe we should shed some
• 35:28
  light. Your, your kids don't ever see darkness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
• 35:33
  All right, ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. We got one more hypothetical to run
• 35:39
  through here. Zach, Alan, we do this podcast every week. We know our significant others hate us.
• 35:46
  What do you buy for your significant other that, you know, you say kind of makes up for doing this
• 35:52
  podcast or any other time you make the match. It's, it doesn't have to be something you buy,
• 35:56
  but it's something that you could do for them, you know, just to make up to make up for it.
• 36:00
  Just to make up for the bad things you've done. I tell you what I do. I know when I leave on
• 36:05
  Saturdays to head up here about 11 45, I know the look on her face, you know, and it's like,
• 36:11
  oh, you're going to go do that dumb thing again for way too long or something like that.
• 36:19
  I know, I know it doesn't make her happy. So I always come home with a gift for her.
• 36:24
  It's a great advice. Yeah. I always come home with flour.
• 36:30
  Was there an S on the end of that? That was a, was that a plural?
• 36:32
  No, just a bag of flour. You bring home flour. You misunderstood her. She was like,
• 36:37
  Alan, I would like some flowers. And you were like, pretty positive. She said,
• 36:42
  flour. She a baker. She liked to bake sometimes, you know, do you bring home it in a bag or is it
• 36:48
  just kind of loose and you sweep it into your house and be like, here's the, here's the flour.
• 36:53
  You asked for loosely in your palms. I, uh, yeah, I feel it up a little bit of a Ziploc bag of flour.
• 37:00
  Okay. Mainly because it's a 50 pound bag of flour, but it's just a lot of Ziploc bags.
• 37:06
  Yeah. Mainly because I know she wants it. You know, she was always talking about wanting flour.
• 37:13
  I know that if we've got flour on hand, maybe it'll be some bread making, you know,
• 37:19
  maybe I'll have a gift in an effort to get something out of it.
• 37:23
  It hopes to get something back. You never know. You never know. Um, maybe there might be a bagel in my
• 37:30
  future. My man's looking for a win-win situation. Does he, does he accept this gift? Well, she
• 37:38
  usually says, I said flowers. Yeah. Right. And I said, well, yeah, I have flowers and I give her
• 37:46
  individual bags of flour. So they're plural, you know, multiple bags, flowers. And you're like,
• 37:55
  why are you not happy with this? This is exactly what you wanted. Girls are so hard to read.
• 38:01
  They say one thing and then they mean another, you know, they act like we should know what they
• 38:06
  want. They don't even know what they want. She said flowers, you're bringing your flowers. What
• 38:10
  else? What else do they want? It's like, why am I getting in trouble for doing exactly what you said?
• 38:27
  You're kind of shedding some light on some things because my wife always tells me you never buy me
• 38:31
  flowers anymore. And I always thought she meant like the petal, the plant, but now maybe I'm
• 38:37
  thinking she talks about all purpose flower, buddy. Let me tell you that little APF run,
• 38:43
  run, don't walk to your nearest Kroger marketplace. Buy you a bag of all wide and rich flour.
• 38:55
  Get it to your wife, man.
• 39:00
  Have you ever got bagels out of this, this, this gift? Like, or you just have like loose
• 39:05
  flour just around the house. It doesn't always work out in my favor. Yeah, I wouldn't think so.
• 39:12
  And sometimes if I see her, if she looks disappointed, I'll go ahead and put the
• 39:15
  flour in water. Like, I'll just take out a vase and pour some water in. I've done it. I've done
• 39:21
  half of it for you. Yeah. Put some yeast in there. Yeah. Yeast in there. Really get this baby churning,
• 39:28
  you know, I imagine your house looks like heat the oven. I imagine your house looks like Pablo
• 39:36
  Escobar's house with just loose white powder everywhere and a little baggies.
• 39:44
  Well, Alan, man, I feel for you, buddy. That's, that's tough. I wish somebody could shed light on
• 39:50
  the mind of a woman because it is a mystery. It's the last great frontier. I think. All right,
• 39:56
  Evan, what do you do? I know you make your wife angry all the time. Not an easy person to live
• 40:01
  with. You are no, absolutely not. Um, when I frequently anger my wife, especially after we
• 40:08
  record these podcasts on a weekly basis, I, I immediately exit my house and I, I run to the,
• 40:14
  the freezer section. Okay. And I grab a butterball turkey. God dang boy.
• 40:20
  A full bottle bar butter, butterball turkey. It's not Thanksgiving. No,
• 40:27
  it's not. Who cares? But who doesn't love a butterball turkey? I, I know I do. I've had
• 40:31
  turkey for every meal for the past, what, two years, year and a half that we've been married.
• 40:36
  Yeah. Your gift is also something for you.
• 40:40
  Well, we both win. It's Turkey. Who doesn't want Turkey? How does he react to you giving your whole
• 40:48
  frozen Turkey? If I could personify disgust, disappointment and regret all in one person,
• 40:58
  that would be my wife. When I hand her a butterball turkey, which I don't understand that.
• 41:03
  Do you hand her, hand it to her loose? Just like, give her a date.
• 41:07
  Lose. Just like, give her a dead bird. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, well, I hand it to her like limb by limb,
• 41:13
  you know, or like piece by piece. Okay. So you've already cut this thing. Yeah. Yeah.
• 41:17
  Got to cook it. Just on the way home driving, you're just yanking it. Just remembering this
• 41:22
  Turkey. Dismantling the Turkey. Yeah. Yeah. I take its rib cage out. That's the part that she hates
• 41:28
  the most, but I think it's the closest to its heart. So, Oh, see that's pretty sweet. Yeah.
• 41:33
  Yeah. It's about the gesture. I see kindness. Yeah. Yeah. I, again, um, that's well thought out
• 41:39
  and really, Alan will support you in this and go, it's not, you're not the issue here. You're doing
• 41:45
  your best as a significant other, a mate, a partner and a husband. I just, you know, it's her, it's all
• 41:51
  her. It's her issue. Evan, I'd say, uh, what you're facing is, uh, the no-win situation known as every
• 41:58
  man's battle. Thank you. I appreciate your support in this. It's, it's, it's a no-win battle. It's an
• 42:04
  uphill battle, you know, uphill both ways, both ways in the snow, you know, and listen, you have
• 42:11
  your full support on the questionable detour podcast. Yeah. And to take it back to what Alan
• 42:15
  was saying earlier, she always says, why don't you do the grocery shopping? Why don't you ever do the
• 42:19
  grocery shop? Why don't you ever help me out and go get some groceries? What do you think I'm doing?
• 42:23
  I am providing it's a butterball Turkey. We can eat on this for maybe a month and you're upset
• 42:28
  about that. I just provided meals. I grocery shopped. I just imagine you bring it home. She's
• 42:33
  upset, just like arms crossed, shaking her head and you're just in the corner being like, this is so
• 42:38
  good. Like you want Tom. It's great.
• 42:50
  I listen and I get it for me. When I, when I upset Chelsea, you'll know my literacy is not great. I
• 42:57
  am illiterate. Yes. Historically, I was walking, uh, just out and about on the town and I saw
• 43:03
  angel worms on a sign. I was like, angel worms. That sounds romantic. Angels are the picture of
• 43:09
  romance. So it was like, you know, I've made Chelsea mad. So I am going to get her some angel
• 43:15
  worms. I misread the sign. It was an angle worms. I had, I brought her home a box of just loose
• 43:23
  worms was like, just bring you, I want to set them up. I want to set them up. Nice. So what I did was
• 43:27
  I strong fishing line from this bait and tackle shop that sells angle worms, apparently. And I
• 43:33
  strong fishing line from one end of the room to the other. And I just started hanging up worms,
• 43:39
  worms hanging from all different directions. I was like, this is romantic. These angel worms.
• 43:45
  And she walked in, let me tell you, she was not at all pleased about the loose angel worms hanging
• 43:52
  from the ceiling. I don't get that at all. It looked like a meat house just of worms hanging
• 43:58
  from fishing line. That's so weird. What's wrong with that? I thought it was a very romantic gesture.
• 44:05
  And she was like, this is, this is so, what did this is gross? I was like, this is, I have an
• 44:09
  entire box of worms and I took out the box. It was just loose worms in a box. I ran that bait and
• 44:15
  tackle shop dry of worms. And I even told the bait and tackle guy, I was like, this is for my wife.
• 44:20
  She's angry at me. He looked confused. He didn't understand that. He didn't understand that at all.
• 44:28
  But he was like, okay. You didn't pay him for it. Well, it was very hard to steal them. I don't know
• 44:32
  if y'all have ever tried to steal loose worms. Very difficult. You could start a whole compost
• 44:37
  with that. Like once you get them off the line. That's what I told her. That's, I was like,
• 44:41
  we could have a fantastic air aerated garden with these worms. She didn't, she didn't,
• 44:46
  she didn't really like that. And you know, that was one gift, but this is the gift that keeps on
• 44:50
  giving. Now she wakes up with worms in her bed. I put worms in the bed while she sleeps. So she
• 44:55
  wakes up with these angel worms. I just, as guys that have a lot of experience with women, as y'all
• 45:00
  do, where am I going wrong here? What did I do incorrect? Well, I'm glad you came to us with this
• 45:05
  and you felt vulnerable enough to discuss this with us. Yeah, this is a safe spot. I know I can
• 45:11
  talk to you guys. I would say with a hundred percent confidence, you've done nothing wrong.
• 45:15
  I don't think this is on you at all. Now I do question at first you said angel worms.
• 45:19
  Well, I thought I misread the sign thinking it said angel worms. It was angle worms,
• 45:23
  like angler worms. Sure. Yeah. But what, what do you think angel worms are?
• 45:28
  I'm confused on that fix. Uh, I kind of thought, you know, angels are always so
• 45:32
  skinny. I thought it was a tapeworm situation. Now there's the angels worms. So it's just a
• 45:36
  different type of worm. Just a different type. You're just upset that it was a different species
• 45:39
  of worm. So you think she might like a different kind of worm? Yeah. Yeah. You think you just got
• 45:47
  the wrong species. And yeah, because you went looking for angel worms. You got angle worms.
• 45:54
  What you should have done is gotten something closer to her heart, like heart worms. Oh,
• 46:00
  yeah. Gosh, that's a good point. I mean, it was right there on the table. It was, it was,
• 46:03
  it was, and I completely, they had heart worms right there. I could have stolen them. Just like
• 46:07
  it's told that you just earthworms that I did, which is by the heart worms were right there.
• 46:12
  Do you mean there was a dog with heartworms in the building? I could have, I could have dissected
• 46:18
  the dog and gotten the heart worms out, but I didn't. And that, you know, that's on me. So,
• 46:21
  you know, I believe it's the thought that counts and she should really accept my angel worms that
• 46:27
  I gave her. But you know, I'm going to keep, I'm not giving up every day. I'm going to continue
• 46:31
  trying to give her the worms and if she doesn't like it, fine. But anyway, uh, listen in the end,
• 46:37
  what we have concluded is that we aren't the issue. We are perfectly perfect, significant to
• 46:43
  others and really it's all their problem. It's our wife's fault. Yeah. Women just don't have it
• 46:48
  together. Us men do. But anyway, if anybody wants to take that advice, get them some flour, a frozen
• 46:54
  turkey or a worms. I'd say take it, do it. I think they're all great gifts. Yeah. Maybe all at one
• 46:59
  time. You're welcome. I guess that segues us into actual advice. Yeah. Uh, but anyway, you know,
• 47:06
  we all gave each other advice and that's good, but that also kind of shows that we are great at
• 47:11
  giving advice. So, uh, y'all want to answer some people's life questions that they have,
• 47:17
  they have written into us. I'd love to be. All right. Let's get into some,
• 47:20
  let's get in some life questions. I need help. All right. So we got an email here, uh, asking for a
• 47:31
  little bit of advice from Johnny. Oh, Johnny, you've come to the right place. We, we are very wise.
• 47:37
  Yeah. So Johnny asks us, uh, the subject is not sure how to reply. Well, you will be sure after
• 47:43
  you, after you hear this, we give, we give sure fire answers. Absolutely. We leave no one wanting.
• 47:49
  So the body of the message says for a bit of context, I told a girl I liked about how I felt
• 47:54
  in a couple of heartfelt messages. I don't know what to do with what she responded with. Thanks
• 47:59
  for the message. Sorry. Yeah. No. That's her message. Yeah. She said, sorry. Yeah. No. That's
• 48:05
  rough. Yeah. That's a rough message to get back. She said, thanks for the message. Sorry. Yeah. No.
• 48:09
  Period. How would you respond in this situation? If a, if you, if you lay your heart out for a woman
• 48:15
  and she responds, sorry. Yeah. No. Thanks for the message though. I'm throwing bricks through a
• 48:20
  window. Immediately is my first response. I am going to travel to her house and just, I don't
• 48:26
  know how many windows she had, but every one of those windows will be busted out with a brick.
• 48:30
  I will follow her around and just throw bricks at her. Yeah. A little death threat here and there.
• 48:35
  That's good. Never hurts. So for Johnny, I would recommend being very aggressive. Being, women want
• 48:43
  masculinity. They want the, the cave men esque attitude from, from their men. So maybe she said,
• 48:51
  yeah, no to you because you're just being too effeminate. Yeah. You're being too passive. You
• 48:55
  gotta be more aggressive and you gotta let her know that her life is on the line here.
• 49:01
  I would recommend, uh, dressing up as a caveman, carrying around a big club,
• 49:07
  throw things through her window, say, UGA, booga some, say what? Uh, it's, it's common caveman
• 49:14
  lingo. Alan's UGA, booga booga. And there is no more romantic saying. There's no more romantic
• 49:21
  phrase on this planet than that. And I think that will show her that you are masculine. You can get
• 49:26
  things done. And I think you will win her over. So I wouldn't even text her back. I would just go
• 49:31
  out and go to her house, toss bricks through a window, follow her around, be a caveman, be a cave,
• 49:36
  be aggressive and swap out your daily driver, your car, your go-to swap it out, take the floor out of
• 49:42
  it. Wheel it around with your feet, push it around with your feet, like a little, like a little caveman,
• 49:46
  a little Flintstone. Um, the Flintstones. Yeah. Slide down the back of a dinosaur on the entrance
• 49:53
  to your show. Get rid of that phone alarm clock you've got. Get one of those little bird alarm
• 49:58
  clock. Exactly. Become a caveman. What about you, Alan? How would you, how would you respond to the
• 50:04
  text message of yeah, thanks. Yeah, no. So Johnny, I'd like to say sorry. Yeah, no. Sounds like she
• 50:11
  might be a little bit confused. She gave you yeah. And no, that is true. And sorry. And sorry. So if
• 50:17
  we're breaking that down, sorry, she feels for you. Yeah. She agrees with you. No, she doesn't agree
• 50:25
  with you. So let's give her some time to think. Let's take some of those bricks that Zach was
• 50:32
  using, go to her home. Cause I've been already been using the bricks. I know who you're talking. I've
• 50:36
  been throwing breaks through her windows for months now. Use those bricks, brick in her windows, brick
• 50:41
  in her doors, let her, let her simmer in there. Give her some time to think. Obviously she was on
• 50:47
  the fence. Sorry. Yeah, no. Brick her in there. Give her some time to think. Give her, give her
• 50:54
  a little bit of time to think. Oh, I am actually, that's great advice. You're saying build a wall
• 51:03
  over her windows and doors so she cannot leave her house. He's saying Cascava Medeo, this one, this
• 51:08
  woman. That's exactly what I'm saying. Excellent reference. Yeah. Got you. I understand now. That's
• 51:13
  a great advice. Break her in. Break her in. Yeah. She will have time to think as she cannot leave
• 51:19
  her home and be distracted by other stuff. And what's, what's really cool about that is let's
• 51:23
  say she's got a roommate or family members. Well, they'll obviously be pretty upset about being
• 51:29
  bricked in. Yeah. Um, they'll be mad at her. They'll be like, why, why'd this happen? And
• 51:34
  she'll tell them why it happened. And they'll be like, well, you better date this guy. Yeah.
• 51:37
  It sounds like, sounds like you made the wrong decision. So everybody on the inside, they're on
• 51:41
  your team, whether, whether you know it or not. Yeah. And then once she's had some time and you
• 51:46
  go to break her out, you're, you're chiseling away at that, uh, that mortar that has set up between
• 51:51
  the bricks and you're getting those bricks down. The first face she sees is yours. Man, that's
• 51:56
  great. She's going to be Stockholm syndrome right into your arms. You are her savior. Basically.
• 52:02
  Wow. That's great advice. So do you have a brick themed?
• 52:07
  We, apparently this advice is okay. What's your, what is your brick themed advice for Johnny here?
• 52:13
  So my brick themed advice would be to, uh, let's go, let's take it back to the seventies. So let's
• 52:18
  whip out our boom box. Like it's the seventies. Let's grab our cassette tape of brick house by
• 52:22
  the Commodores stand outside her bricked up window, but also shattered by bricks window
• 52:28
  that has been repaired to be a brick wall. And let's just play on repeat standing in her lawn,
• 52:33
  brick house house by the Commodores. So she'll love that song. I'm having a little trouble
• 52:41
  remembering how brick house by the Commodores goes. Can you, can you, uh, sing us a few bars?
• 52:47
  I can't, I can't for the life of me. Remember now I know one bar and that's she's a brick house.
• 52:54
  I don't, I tell you, that's romantic. She's mighty mighty letting it all hang out. That is,
• 52:59
  that is, that is romance at its best. That's, that's a song that wins a woman over. Yeah,
• 53:03
  absolutely. Talking about her figure. Yeah. Objectified. And if we know anything about women,
• 53:09
  absolutely. They love to be objectified. Yes. They want to know what you see when you look at them.
• 53:14
  That's what every woman loves. Let them know that nothing is else as important other than
• 53:20
  exactly. It has nothing to do with her personality, her humor, her anything else,
• 53:28
  her beliefs, whatever. It's about what she looks like. You don't care what's on the inside of that
• 53:33
  brick house. You just know that it's a brick house. Is it a brick house? Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
• 53:37
  Is there sheetrock in there? Who knows? Who cares? Well, you do care. You do care about what's inside
• 53:42
  the brick house that you bricked up. You know, you want to use, she's in the brick house. So you want
• 53:46
  to get in there, but other, her brick house. Yeah. You don't care about what further than skin deep.
• 53:50
  But yeah, there you go, Johnny. We, for some reason decided that this was a brick thing,
• 53:55
  piece of advice. So if just, if you have bricks laying around, you know,
• 53:58
  break her windows with bricks, rebuild her windows and doors with bricks, quit,
• 54:03
  quit bricking around and pop to it. And then play brick house over a boom box in her yard.
• 54:10
  Thank you for writing in there, Johnny. Yeah. Thanks, Johnny. Let us know how that goes. If,
• 54:13
  if you, uh, decide to do that. All right, let's move into our, our next writer here from, um,
• 54:19
  they just named themselves P. So we'll go with P. Okay. P. P. A. Not just the letter, but P.
• 54:25
  Subject starts a little, a little heavy, but I think we can work through this one, guys.
• 54:28
  We might have to be a little more sensitive on this one. We don't shy away from dark topics.
• 54:32
  And yeah, you know, so the subject reads, how do I, a 17 year old female handle the death of my
• 54:38
  boyfriend who was a 19 year old male of death is hard. Death is, we've already touched about it a
• 54:43
  little bit on this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And how to bring them back from death as well. Yeah. Um,
• 54:50
  P writes on to say, my boyfriend is the most amazing person I've ever met. He's the only
• 54:54
  person I've ever felt comfortable around. And he's my only friend. He was diagnosed with leukemia in
• 54:59
  June, 2022, and not even two weeks ago, they said he wouldn't make it longer than three to four weeks
• 55:04
  because of the leukemia was doubling even with all the chemo. As soon as I get home, I get a call
• 55:09
  saying he passed away in his sleep. I don't feel like I can breathe without him. I'm just too attached
• 55:13
  to try to live without him. And I just don't know what to do. And I really need some serious advice.
• 55:19
  Well, you came to the right spot for serious advice there P. Um, it's hard to give you advice
• 55:24
  now that he's dead. I will go ahead and I would have said you probably should have killed him
• 55:29
  beforehand. I, as somebody that deals a lot with animals and horses, if an animal is on the
• 55:34
  verge of death, has been hurt, go ahead and euthanize him. You know, go ahead and put him,
• 55:40
  wait a second, go ahead and put him, go ahead and put him out of misery. So he's old and needs to
• 55:45
  be young again. So it's common misconception there, Alan. This is, he didn't make it to old age.
• 55:53
  So he won't need to be that type of euthanized, but he does need to be EU than eyes. He should
• 56:02
  it needs to be made European. Y'all got it. Y'all got it. Why P, why didn't you make him European?
• 56:10
  He would have lived longer to have better healthcare system. It's free at least. It's free.
• 56:13
  At least I don't know what's better. But it's free. I don't really have advice for you there P.
• 56:17
  I am very sorry. Really you, you let him go on for too long. So, um, well, Evan, do you have any
• 56:24
  advice? I do. Um, first thing I want to say to P is you wrote into us. So I'm just gonna come out
• 56:30
  and say it P get over it. It's not your problem anymore. Yeah. He's gone. What can you do about
• 56:42
  that? You know, we came from dirt. We went back to dirt. You know, my thing for P is your boyfriend's
• 56:48
  parents were a lot like Alan. He would be ready for death. He would have the necessary requirements
• 56:53
  for death. So yeah, he, they, he would have had the urn already picked out or it makes you wonder,
• 56:57
  uh, it sounds like you're, I wasn't prepared. Yeah. It sounds like your boyfriend is just going to
• 57:03
  be thrown out into a ditch because he didn't have the coffin necessary and prepared. So that's,
• 57:08
  that's unfortunate. Yeah. That's really on you at that point. Um, now my question for you P and you
• 57:13
  can write back into us and answer this, but did you love him? Did you even like him at all? Like
• 57:18
  I'm sure he was a Dick, right? So like, it should be pretty easy, right? Is there a vice here?
• 57:34
  So your advice is just kind of move on. Yeah. Like what else, what else can you do? It's just
• 57:39
  another day, another dollar. Yep. Is he profiting off his death? Could be. She's writing into us.
• 57:44
  Yeah. Well, maybe we might be on, um, Alan, what is your advice for P and the death of a,
• 57:55
  of, of her boyfriend? Well, I'd say P, I am sorry to hear about this. Um, death is always tragic.
• 58:03
  Um, and I'm kind of worried about a line you said in there, uh, said you were losing breath.
• 58:09
  You couldn't breathe without it. Um, have you been holding your breath ever since? And if so,
• 58:18
  might I suggest finding an oxygen tank immediately? And then if I, if you don't mind out,
• 58:26
  step in here, if you don't mind working your way down to a local coastline and find a free diving
• 58:33
  association and really just dig into that. Cause you need to be holding your breath to free dive.
• 58:38
  So if you've already got practice of losing your breath here because of this, you might be a great
• 58:43
  free diver and picking up a new hobby is a great way to get over a tragedy. So yeah, that's, that's
• 58:48
  good advice. I think it's, I think that's great. Maybe get oxygen tank or something. Maybe you can
• 58:53
  be scuba diving. You can be scuba diving. Get licensed. I think you should breathe because
• 58:58
  that is essential for life and you don't want to end up like your boyfriend. So doesn't seem like
• 59:02
  there's anything holding you where you're at now. So maybe get to the coast. Yeah. You don't seem
• 59:07
  like you have a future. So I would say go to pick up a new hobby on your local coastline.
• 59:14
  So there you go, P. Uh, there is three things that you can take to the bank comments and concerns.
• 59:20
  Really? Yeah, really just, you should have done, you should have been more preemptive in his death.
• 59:25
  And now that he's dead, you need to get over it and maybe help you get over it. Take up a new hobby
• 59:30
  and please breathe. Yeah. Your body needs oxygen. Please go ahead and stop holding your breath.
• 59:35
  Yeah. You know, we gave you three steps right there as a three step program. And that's, that's
• 59:40
  stamped by questionable detour. Yep. That's the QD guarantee. And it's right for us to put our
• 59:46
  name on that set of advice. That is very on brand for us. Um, but yeah. All right. Well guys, helping
• 59:52
  the world one step at a time as per usual. I feel good about it. Yeah. I feel good about it. I,
• 59:57
  I don't have any qualms with what we just did. Yeah. Anybody else has anything that they, uh,
• 1:00:04
  need to write into us, need some advice on, need to get some sage wisdom on, write into us, email
• 1:00:10
  us, shoot us a line at, uh, questionable detour podcast at gmail.com. We have a Twitter. Uh,
• 1:00:16
  you can tweet us questions, more hypotheticals. It's at question detour on Twitter. So interact
• 1:00:24
  with us there. But all right, boys, y'all want to be known this. Let's go. All right. Um, all right.
• 1:00:30
  Well, go on. Read your eyes. Have a good day. I am a worn out from that heavy, heavy advice.