Latest / Questionable Detour / Dying in someone's chimney, Naked Santa, and trying to date a 3,000 year old woman.

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Dying in someone's chimney, Naked Santa, and trying to date a 3,000 year old woman. · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're going to make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:24
First of all, I want to wish everybody a Merry Christmas.
0:27
This episode is coming off on Christmas Day and some kids are waking up this morning and opening up gifts that they asked for.
0:34
And some people are waking up this morning going, I need to listen to some questionable detour.
0:38
And you know what, Evan? You know what I asked for for Christmas on this Monday, this Christmas Monday?
0:43
A third co-host.
0:45
And as y'all might know, our co-host, Ala, died last week.
0:50
Just a routine colonoscopy.
0:52
Not very tragic.
0:53
It wasn't tragic. It was really hoped for, I think.
0:57
But I, you know, I asked Santa and the Lord, can you give us a third co-host?
1:03
Oh, hey, guys. Oh, when I said a third co-host, I really meant like another one.
1:10
Just like anybody else, just anybody else.
1:13
Were you guys doing auditions?
1:15
I think at some point we just have to take what we can get.
1:19
We put out the call on LinkedIn.
1:22
Very few responses.
1:24
So we're going to take Alan coming back from the dead.
1:27
Yeah, I think the risen again Alan will have to do.
1:32
How was I mean, we assumed you died last week.
1:34
Do you have an explanation on maybe what the Christmas miracle that has happened here that you are now back?
1:40
Really, that routine colonoscopy.
1:43
I think you said weekly colonoscopy.
1:45
It was weekly. It's every week.
1:47
The weekly colonoscopy from last week actually left me stronger than ever.
1:51
My body did go into a state of hibernation where I looked to be near death.
1:57
Some people to the untrained eye may have thought that I was dead.
2:01
Yeah, my body was just storing up power.
2:05
You're in some sort of stasis.
2:06
I have returned stronger than ever.
2:08
Did you age at all? You don't look a week older.
2:10
Weirdly enough, age backwards two weeks.
2:14
And you can't hold in your your bowel movements anymore.
2:17
They fall right out.
2:18
Still very difficult.
2:21
It's like dropping a rock through a PVC pipe.
2:23
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2:25
It just clanks down the side until it falls out.
2:27
A lot of clenching.
2:29
Is that why you're sitting on the five gallon bucket?
2:31
I wouldn't worry about it.
2:35
So I guess welcome back.
2:37
Well, thank you.
2:39
We celebrated.
2:41
Don't look at the Alan's Gone banner over the wall over there.
2:45
Seems like there's a lot of stuff going on.
2:47
It seems like a lot of celebration.
2:49
It was a lot of celebrations, confetti's on the floor, balloons.
2:53
I'm sure you understand.
2:54
Yeah, I mean, look, I would have if it makes you feel any better,
2:57
I would have done the same for you guys.
3:00
I know that you're going to have some sort of weird medical mishap
3:03
or you'll you'll have to miss a week and may not be near death
3:06
and it may not leave you more powerful than you were before,
3:10
but it'll be at least fun to talk about.
3:12
Do you want Evan to go with you on your next colonoscopy?
3:14
Maybe to keep you up every time.
3:16
If you start dozing off, he just kind of slaps your cheek a little bit.
3:18
I was going to keep your ghostly spirit in you.
3:24
I was going to see which one of you would would volunteer,
3:26
but thank you for volunteering.
3:27
Yeah, I kind of volunteered to Evan.
3:29
He outsend him with a cork so that when that spirit starts leaking out,
3:33
he just pops a cork in it bigger than you think.
3:36
Yeah.
3:40
When you go to buy the cork, just well, up size that begs the question.
3:44
How big of a cork do you think is needed for this?
3:47
And then obviously, based on the information, we just upscale it.
3:51
I mean, I would have gone with like a prohibition jug style cork,
3:56
but it sounded like we need to go bigger.
3:58
Yeah. Yeah.
3:59
The colonoscopy was rough.
4:01
Or I'm just glad to be on this side of it.
4:05
Well, I mean, I'm happy that you're back, Alan,
4:07
but we did kind of double book the third mic.
4:10
Oh, yeah.
4:11
Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, you're kind of a surprise,
4:14
but we actually called in your old friend, you know,
4:18
Ukrainian Santa. Oh, you know him.
4:20
Yeah. And you didn't see you didn't see the B-52 bomber sitting outside.
4:24
I did not. Did he park it in the backyard?
4:26
Taking out my neighbor.
4:27
Yeah, he parked it in some backyard and some front yard.
4:32
OK. Yeah. Well, the plane's big.
4:34
You know, I think everybody in the neighborhood will understand.
4:36
Yeah. So you just want to, you know, welcome back.
4:40
You want to like scooch out of the seat?
4:41
Yeah. Yeah. Let me get out of here real quick.
4:43
Well, he can just sit in your lab.
4:44
He. Oh, oh, OK. That makes sense.
4:47
We should be accommodating to the amount of.
4:49
Ukrainian Santa is a very large guy.
4:50
I don't want to be I don't want to be caught.
4:52
How about you sit on his lap?
4:54
Fair enough. That's how Santa's work.
4:55
That usually works.
4:57
All right. Well, welcome back, Ukrainian Santa.
5:01
Questionable detour. I'm glad to see you back in the States.
5:04
Hello, gentlemen. I am Ukrainian Santa.
5:07
Yeah, we know. We know.
5:08
So as you know, in the United States, it's about to be Christmas.
5:12
Do you all celebrate Christmas in Ukraine?
5:14
Yes, of course. You have to have Christmas if you have Ukrainian Santa.
5:18
OK. It just seemed last time you were here,
5:21
it seemed like Ukrainian Santa was more of a warlord situation.
5:24
So I didn't you know, I didn't know if it kind of translated.
5:28
Have you ever heard of war without Christmas?
5:32
I haven't. I haven't.
5:33
Every war has Christmas.
5:34
You have a war, you give a gift of a torpedo.
5:37
You give gift of hand grenade, give it to small children.
5:45
That's violent. What do you think about the United States Christmas?
5:49
It not being so violent, it being generally full of joy and cheer and,
5:54
you know, just happiness, whereas the Ukrainian Christmas seems a little more bleak.
5:59
Yes, I do think that United States have too much happiness with with around the Christmas time.
6:06
There should be a little bit of destruction, a little bit of sadness and poverty.
6:16
So you as the Ukrainian Santa, instead of maybe giving toys,
6:19
you would then break into somebody's house and just kind of take their stuff.
6:23
Yes, they don't deserve these things.
6:25
They have spent all of their money and gone into debt on their credit cards
6:30
and they do not deserve this presents.
6:32
I didn't realize you're a big finance guy.
6:34
I'm a big fan of David Ramsey.
6:39
You know, Alan, who is sitting on your lap right now is a big fan of Ramsey too.
6:44
Is that right, Alan?
6:47
Yes, it is. Ukrainian Santa.
6:51
Now, Alan, you don't have to stroke his hair while you're sitting on his lap,
6:54
unless the Ukrainian Santa enjoys that.
6:57
I just think it's comforting to me.
7:00
Oh, it's comforting you.
7:01
Ukrainian Santa, are you OK with this man stroking your hair?
7:05
When children in Ukraine sit on Ukrainian Santa's lap, it is customary to braid the beard.
7:11
OK.
7:13
That is customary.
7:14
And once they finish braiding the beard, they can request one weapon.
7:21
But see, Alan's sitting on your lap and he's not braiding
7:24
because he doesn't know how to braid.
7:25
He's just tying knots into your beard.
7:27
Is this OK?
7:28
I understand where his heart is at.
7:30
Unfortunately, hearts are not currency in Ukraine.
7:34
We don't care where your heart is.
7:36
He will get nothing.
7:38
So, Evan, do you want to ask the Ukrainian Santa for something for Christmas?
7:42
And I just want to kind of want to see how Ukrainians kind of do Christmas.
7:46
Yeah, I guess first off, what would you say is the most popular
7:50
kind of request you've been getting this year for Christmas?
7:52
People like to say Jug of Water, Bucket of Rocks.
8:00
People are asking for those things.
8:02
They ask for the Bucket of Rocks?
8:03
Or is that just what you've designated to give them?
8:06
Yeah, it doesn't matter if they ask for Pony.
8:08
You're getting Jug of Water, Bucket of Rocks.
8:10
If they ask for Jug of Water, I give them Bucket of Rocks.
8:14
You got me.
8:16
OK, so if I was to ask for, say, a new car, what would you give me?
8:21
I would give you a wheelbarrow.
8:25
Full of coal.
8:28
When you are any kind of Santa, you have to stick to the coal motif.
8:33
That's just part of who you are.
8:34
That's the one thing you're like.
8:36
That's the one thing you're like, I get that part.
8:38
Well, I got to say a wheelbarrow of coal is better than a Bucket of Rocks.
8:41
Yeah, at least it's useful.
8:44
Well, welcome, Ukrainian Santa.
8:46
I'm glad.
8:47
Are you just here observing Christmas?
8:48
Is that why you're here?
8:49
I'm here to spy on opposition.
8:51
Yeah, you know, people from my area of the world are known spies.
8:57
The B-52 is very inconspicuous.
9:00
It is not much for stealth, but still a spy.
9:04
Come over, see what the United States has about Christmas and report back.
9:08
So is American Santa your enemy?
9:12
We have a Cold War situation going on.
9:15
You are familiar with the Cold War.
9:17
I assume nukes are involved in that, so I'll play on words.
9:19
Cold War is when we stab each other with icicles.
9:23
OK, large icicles.
9:26
You see, you seem to be wrapped in a lot of bandages.
9:31
You've had a fight with Saint Nick already, it looks like.
9:33
Yes, I fight him every day when I'm in town.
9:37
We meet in town square and just go at it.
9:41
Who's won the last one?
9:43
I don't even want to say, but me.
9:46
See, United States Santa, he pretends to care too much about the foreigners.
9:54
So he stabbed me, he pretend to care.
9:57
I stab him.
9:59
I don't care.
10:02
Oh, well, welcome, Ukrainian Santa.
10:04
You can continue to sit there and just give the mic over to Alan.
10:08
He seems like he's really settled down on your lap.
10:12
Yeah, I don't really want to go anywhere.
10:14
It's kind of like a heated seat.
10:16
It's kind of feels like home, guys.
10:18
Sunking into the creases of his thighs there.
10:22
If you'll just open up your jacket, you'll just kind of sink into that, too.
10:24
It's kind of wrap you in it.
10:26
If only we could wear the same jacket.
10:31
But Merry Christmas and welcome to Questionable Tour.
10:34
Let's do some hypotheticals.
10:37
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
10:41
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
10:45
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
10:48
We assume that we can do a better job than anybody, right?
10:50
Like you give us a job, we're going to do better than those people, right?
10:53
At anything?
10:54
Yeah, like anything.
10:55
So let's say like a police officer.
10:56
Like y'all think you are going to do better than anybody at the job, right?
10:59
Yeah, I think most Saturday workers, when they look at a job, they probably think,
11:04
yeah, I can do that better.
11:06
Yeah.
11:07
Well, it being Christmas, let's let's let's have a let's do a thought
11:11
experiment Santa Claus.
11:12
If Santa Claus were killed by the Ukrainian Santa in an ice pick fight
11:17
and y'all were given the Santa Claus job, how are y'all handling that?
11:22
What are y'all doing to Santa Claus?
11:23
I'm going into their houses just like normal, like a standard Santa.
11:26
I'm leaving them gifts for the children, but I'm also going to leave them
11:30
a little something else.
11:31
I'm going to leave them pictures of me.
11:34
Every gift has a hidden picture of me.
11:37
Oh, yeah.
11:38
The catch is the further they get into the gifts, the less clothes I'm wearing.
11:42
Oh, OK.
11:46
Wait a minute.
11:47
We're going to assume that you're gifting only to adults here for the sake of your legality.
11:52
I guess that would make sense.
11:55
Yeah.
11:56
So I'm going to step around the fact that you're going to be a pedophilic Santa Claus.
11:59
Yeah.
12:00
Yeah.
12:00
Let's just let's just say this is just to adults.
12:03
OK.
12:03
There's a house of adults that live all together.
12:07
Yeah.
12:07
They're all of normal ages.
12:10
Right.
12:10
Right.
12:10
So they open the first gift and it's you in a full Santa Claus.
12:14
I've got the full Santa robe on.
12:17
And that's all it is.
12:18
I'm making like a wink face or something.
12:19
Yeah.
12:20
Yeah.
12:20
Yeah.
12:20
And then, you know, it's not what they asked for, but they got it anyway.
12:23
They say, oh, well, that's that's weird.
12:25
But OK.
12:26
It's like Christmas.
12:27
So like it makes sense.
12:28
Yeah.
12:29
And then they open the second gift.
12:31
Maybe it's like my jacket's off over my shoulder.
12:34
Yeah.
12:34
So a tasteful kind of maybe model pose.
12:36
Yeah.
12:37
Yeah.
12:37
Could be could be working with Calvin Klein.
12:40
Yeah.
12:41
We don't know.
12:43
No way to be sure.
12:45
And then the next gift, they rip it open again.
12:48
Not something they ask for, but you're not a great Santa.
12:51
You just kind of you just the main goal is to get them your pictures.
12:54
Yeah.
12:54
Yeah.
12:55
And maybe what you're like lose the pants.
12:57
Maybe not that gift.
12:58
There's there's no jacket all together.
13:00
It's just me and a wife beater still have the pants on.
13:02
I mean, this is a very slow strip.
13:05
Yeah.
13:06
But there's let me just go ahead and tell you there are 97 pictures.
13:12
It's a lot of houses to get through.
13:13
So you can probably understand that.
13:16
How far do we go here?
13:17
The end result is me leopard loincloth.
13:20
Oh, OK.
13:21
I didn't know if you're going full dangle or not.
13:23
I know there's professionalism in this in this Santa's line of work.
13:27
Yeah.
13:27
Yeah.
13:27
Yeah.
13:28
So so I know we set the parameters of it being adults,
13:33
but now I just imagine that you're just some guy on a registered list.
13:40
They're like, we have to keep him out of the neighborhood because every Christmas
13:43
he breaks in and gives us tasteful nudes.
13:50
Now, I do that for the for the older people where I where I end up in the leopard loincloth
13:56
for children.
13:57
I just dress.
13:57
I just have pictures of me dressed as historical figures.
14:00
Oh, that's that's that's better.
14:02
Is their naked?
14:03
No, it's like naked Abraham Lincoln.
14:07
And naked George Washington.
14:08
They're they're they're not they're not naked.
14:11
They're I can't stress that enough.
14:13
They are they are definitely clothed just like, you know, me dresses as Daniel Boone
14:18
or something like that in its time appropriate clothing.
14:22
Half of its time appropriate clothing.
14:24
I like to mix and match my decades.
14:26
Oh, so, you know, I'll be wearing a coon skin hat with maybe some parachute pants.
14:33
Yeah, it's like it's like Daniel Boone, but in a 70s disco sort of a sort of a what if
14:40
what if Daniel Boone also starred in Saturday Night Fever?
14:45
Yeah.
14:48
So before you get to Tarzan, you know, or as you're progressing into Tarzan,
14:53
are there different backdrops on each photo or is it the same?
14:56
I imagine I imagine each picture is this one room in the house
15:03
because I took them in their house.
15:05
You really procrastinate.
15:08
Yeah.
15:08
First picture is me at the beginning of the driveway.
15:12
Last pictures, them you in front of them in their bed, their mouth or, you know,
15:17
just open sleeping.
15:18
Yeah.
15:18
The last picture is a nice selfie there.
15:21
They're in the back, you know, just drooling in bed.
15:23
You know, this is you nipple pierced, given a peace sign.
15:29
You have nipples, it's it's little it's little snowflakes.
15:33
It adds, I think it adds a twinkle.
15:36
It was either that or, you know, two Santa hats.
15:40
I thought that was two on the nose.
15:42
I like the snowflake.
15:43
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:43
It kind of gives the kind of winter spirit.
15:45
Yeah, yeah.
15:46
You have to do this a lot then if you're doing this to every house in the world.
15:49
Yeah.
15:50
Lots of costume changes.
15:52
It would be a big night.
15:53
Yeah.
15:54
The neighbors are, you know, they get up to go to the user restroom or get a drink of water
15:59
and they look out the window to see the neighbors and it's just like flashes of light
16:04
as Alan's taking pictures.
16:07
The camera flashes on like a strobe light is going off in someone's home.
16:13
Because I imagine when you walk into the house that you are,
16:16
you know, spreading Christmas cheer, then it looks like a model situation where,
16:21
you know, a runway.
16:22
Yeah.
16:23
Well, like if you're in front of a backdrop and you're just like striking different poses
16:27
with a camera with a big flash on it, you know.
16:30
That's a lot of what it looks like.
16:32
And honestly, I don't think I'll be able to make it every to every house around the world.
16:35
I mean, I don't know how regular Santa does it.
16:38
Me, I find it near impossible.
16:39
Yeah. So I think what I'll do is probably just make my Santa events very regionally exclusive.
16:47
OK.
16:48
And just have it, you know, maybe just do it to one neighborhood.
16:51
The white neighborhood.
16:52
Well, I haven't really, I haven't really picked out an area of town yet.
16:57
But not the one across the train tracks.
16:59
I mean, you know, the white people that steal your wallet,
17:02
I don't blame them as you're just kind of leaving clothes about their place.
17:06
And they're, you know, they're just kind of taking the opportunity to go through your pockets.
17:09
Mm hmm.
17:09
What's your ID?
17:10
Your driver's license?
17:11
What they look in your wallet?
17:12
Is it is it you like in your Santa outfit?
17:16
Yeah, I've got the I've got the the glasses on the tip of my nose
17:19
and I'm doing a wink with a Coke bottle, you know,
17:22
look like a 20s Coca-Cola ad.
17:24
Yeah. Oh, that's good.
17:27
I I don't know if it's spreading Christmas cheer.
17:30
And I think really that Santa's job, but it is spreading your pictures everywhere.
17:37
Evan, what would you feel like if you
17:39
woke up Christmas morning as an adult and, you know, you you're you get out of your bed
17:45
and your onesie, your sexy onesie, you know, you know, and you jump out of bed and start
17:54
running, you slip because the onesie doesn't have any grip.
17:57
You hit your head, you're bleeding, you're kind of dazed.
18:00
Wishing you were wearing old people's socks with grips on them.
18:03
You know, you're still excited that you didn't bump the cheer out of you and you get to your
18:08
presents and all of a sudden you start ripping those things open, poorly wrapped.
18:12
Yes, they're not. They're not well done.
18:14
Is my butt flap open?
18:16
The butt flap is open.
18:17
Good.
18:19
I don't you can explain why that makes a difference.
18:21
I get hot when I sleep.
18:22
OK. And then also you start ripping up those poorly wrapped gifts and all of a sudden
18:27
they're not really what you asked for, like a new car, but he got you a new car.
18:31
You asked for like a new car, but he got you like a thing of socks.
18:35
But in those socks, there's a picture of him.
18:37
You didn't open it in order, maybe.
18:39
And it's just a picture of him in like a leopard loincloth.
18:42
Yeah, you might start off like halfway through.
18:44
Yeah, which is a half naked Santa.
18:47
Not that there would be very much more context if you started from the beginning.
18:51
At least if you started from the beginning, you would kind of have an idea of where it's leading to.
18:55
You have a timeline.
18:57
Yeah. How do you feel?
18:58
Like, what does that what does that bring?
18:59
I mean, I feel like at first I would be a little excited, but at the same time confused.
19:05
But also like, what is a joke?
19:07
You're how many how many pictures until you're like, all right,
19:12
wonder what the next one is by by probably the third one,
19:15
especially if I'm getting progressively less clothes.
19:19
I'm sure I'm like, we'll see how far he takes.
19:20
See what happened.
19:23
I bet you get to the loincloth picture and you're like, where's the last present?
19:27
Where's the last gift?
19:28
There's one more clothing item on him.
19:30
There's got to be something more.
19:32
Answer me this.
19:33
You get three pictures in a row, less clothing in each one.
19:38
Then you grab the wrong one where I'm wearing more clothes.
19:41
Are you happy or sad?
19:45
Probably depends on the day.
19:47
It was Christmas Day.
19:48
Well, yeah, but like how I'm feeling that day.
19:50
OK.
19:50
You know, because I could be in a bad mood on Christmas Day.
19:53
You're bad mood.
19:54
Yeah. And that would just set me right, you know?
19:57
OK. But I would just hate to see it the other way.
19:59
You know, if I'm in a bad mood and I get the wrong picture, I'm just going to be.
20:04
Buddy, you don't want to be with Evan on Christmas Day when he's a downer.
20:08
I know that I want to spend time with him on Christmas Day.
20:10
Anyways, I'm going to spiral.
20:13
I'm just going to say that.
20:15
Oh, Alan, that's an interesting take on what Santa it seems kind of self-centered,
20:20
egotistical does.
20:22
But things that have been not said about me,
20:26
but maybe I'd like him to be said about me.
20:28
I'd like people to be like, wow, look at that self-centered guy.
20:31
Look at the ego on him.
20:33
I bet he thinks so highly of himself.
20:35
Look at him.
20:35
He hasn't been to the gym in a while.
20:37
Little do they know how little I feel about myself.
20:40
Oh, well, Santa, I don't know.
20:43
You know, Saturday workers, there you go.
20:44
I don't know if you want Santa to do a full blown photo shoot in your house
20:48
and then give you the pictures with presents.
20:52
He looked like he got last minute.
20:57
Well, all right, Evan, the Santa Claus job is vacant and only can be filled by you.
21:05
You put you don the red hat, the coat, you spray paint your beard white.
21:10
What are you doing as Santa?
21:12
So when I'm Santa, I'm going to need people to think about me, you know?
21:18
Sure.
21:18
You and Alan both.
21:19
Many people make it about family, about like coming together, having a good time,
21:27
love, spreading cheer, all that crap.
21:31
I want it to be more about what is Santa doing right now?
21:34
Okay.
21:35
What is Evan Santa?
21:36
Oh, have you changed your name?
21:38
Yeah. And what is Santa like?
21:41
Where is he?
21:42
And why isn't he with me at this moment?
21:44
I want everyone to need me.
21:46
So what I'm going to do is when my elves whip up these presents and you're putting them together,
21:51
your slaves elves, they're happy with what they're doing.
21:54
They're doing work for no pay.
21:56
They're happy with what they're doing.
21:57
Okay.
21:57
They're getting paid in housing and food.
22:01
I'm going to tell them to leave out one part.
22:04
That way, whenever I deliver them and everybody opens a presents and they look at them and
22:08
they're like, this Tonka truck has three wheels.
22:10
Where's the fourth one?
22:11
You're going to take out little pieces, just inconvenience their gifts.
22:18
Yeah. Just inconvenience them.
22:19
So I feel like I could really use Santa right now to give me the last piece of this toy.
22:24
Yeah, absolutely.
22:25
So I can actually play with it.
22:26
So if I were to ask for a new pair of Jays, a new fresh, crisp pair of Jordans,
22:33
I will open up that box Christmas day and it'll just be one pair.
22:37
No, it'll be just be, it'll be, it'll just be one, two.
22:40
It'll be one pair, but it'll be missing shoelaces.
22:43
Oh, okay.
22:43
Okay. So that works.
22:44
I didn't know if you were going to cut the toes out or something like that.
22:46
No, I'm not going to destroy it.
22:48
I just want you to know that, hey, there's something missing and I can really use Santa
22:51
to deliver that right now.
22:53
You just want to be a festive UPS driver.
22:56
I want people to want me.
22:59
You're just driving up demand.
23:02
Is there a way to summon you?
23:03
Do they, do they have to like maybe bow at the Christmas tree and give like a little,
23:08
you know, soulful Christmas prayer?
23:10
No, nothing like that.
23:11
I'll be watching.
23:12
So like if they were window.
23:15
Yeah. I watch people open their presents and they get all upset when one of their,
23:20
one of their, the pony that they ask for is missing a leg.
23:22
Yeah. And they're like, dang it.
23:25
I can't ride my pony because it only has three legs.
23:28
I wish Santa would deliver this last leg.
23:31
And then that's when I come in.
23:32
I'm like, oh, here's that leg for you.
23:34
Just kind of bring a severed leg.
23:36
Yeah. And they're like, don't you, I'm like, don't you love me now?
23:40
So that doesn't, that doesn't really fix their problem.
23:43
They just have a loose leg.
23:45
Yeah. They still can't ride that tripod horse.
23:50
That's not my problem.
23:50
Yeah. They would have to then ask all the parts they need.
23:54
It's up to them to figure out the solution.
23:56
There's really a limit to this.
23:58
Yeah. I mean, I'm doing what I can here.
24:00
Yeah. They need to ask for then for a horse surgeon to kind of reattach that.
24:04
Sure.
24:05
That's not me.
24:07
I'm saying I can't wear it.
24:08
I can't do it all.
24:10
So Alan, so let's say, let's say, what did you ask for for Christmas?
24:13
Like, I, I asked for a set of walkie talkies.
24:17
Oh, okay. Weird.
24:18
But we're with you.
24:19
So let's say you get the letter from Alan.
24:22
It's poorly written misspellings.
24:24
Backwards letters.
24:25
Yeah.
24:27
It looks like he fell down multiple times or riding it.
24:30
Yeah.
24:31
You get the note up in the North Pole, which is a strip club.
24:35
Most people think, most people think that it's, you know, the top of the world.
24:40
No, it's, it's, it's a strip club and you're sitting in there in that booth, the sticky booth.
24:45
Oh God.
24:47
And you get this poorly written letter from a 29 year old man and it's, he asked for a walkie talkie.
24:55
How do you jump into action?
24:57
Well, I mean, I'm going to deliver him some walkie talkies.
24:59
Yeah, sure.
25:00
Two walkie talkies.
25:01
That's what he asked for.
25:02
Antenna is removed.
25:03
Yeah. Okay.
25:04
So he'll still be able to use them in the same room situation.
25:09
Yeah. You're not going to go far.
25:10
Okay.
25:11
You want to be looking at whoever you're talking to when you're using those.
25:14
So when I, when I get these two things, I eventually figure out, Hey, these, I got much range on these guys.
25:21
You're going to be what?
25:22
Waiting out in the yard for me to, me to make that realization.
25:25
I'll be looking through the little window on your front door.
25:29
Okay.
25:29
And just kind of just watching for that moment of sadness on your face.
25:32
I'd like Alan to like do like a little, like, you know, from the Grinch when she's, she's almost praying that the Grinch brings back all this stuff.
25:42
You know, it's kind of a heartfelt prayer.
25:44
Yeah.
25:45
You know, there's some, there's kind of a twinkle in her eye, kind of a Christmas, like Christmas song playing in the background.
25:50
I'd like to imagine Alan has to maybe toss up maybe a prayer to you.
25:55
It builds your ego.
25:56
That makes you feel wanted.
25:57
Yeah.
25:57
Being Godlike.
25:58
At the end of the day, that is your goal is to feel needed.
26:01
Yeah. Yeah. So go ahead.
26:02
You want to give us a rendition of that?
26:04
Maybe you get the walkie talkies that he's cut off with some, some wire cutters.
26:09
Feel free to throw in a Dahudorus, Fahufors.
26:12
You want me to do that?
26:13
You want me to sing that while you kind of give it up the prayer?
26:16
Yeah.
26:16
All right.
26:17
All right.
26:17
Okay.
26:18
Here we go.
26:18
Ready?
26:19
Dear Evan, I don't know if you can hear me or not.
26:22
How am I supposed to use these walkie talkies without an antenna?
26:28
Well, let me stop you right there.
26:29
Oh my gosh.
26:31
Wow.
26:33
I didn't know that's all I had to do.
26:35
You know, the heartfelt man.
26:37
Let me stop you right there.
26:39
I heard you beckoning me.
26:41
I heard you just absolutely on your hands and knees.
26:45
I was standing.
26:47
Just you're at the end of yourself begging because you need me.
26:51
You need me right now.
26:53
You, you would be nothing without me.
26:55
Uh huh.
26:57
It's, it's just me.
27:01
You're nothing.
27:03
I'm the best.
27:05
Here's the antenna to that little stupid walkie talkie you wanted.
27:09
You're a grown man.
27:11
You are a grown man.
27:13
Do you think you should be playing with these?
27:15
You have a cell phone.
27:17
There is no age limit on two way radios.
27:21
You pay for a cell phone plan.
27:23
Use that.
27:25
Here's these antennas.
27:27
And so that's how it goes.
27:29
So you come in and you just roast them.
27:33
And then you give them what you took from them in the first place.
27:37
Yeah. I feel good about it.
27:39
They needed me.
27:41
He doesn't need to be judging.
27:43
He lives naked pictures for kids.
27:45
I think that's where we ended it.
27:47
Not for kids.
27:49
Pictures for adults.
27:51
You know, for Alan, you know, there's like a Santa tracker.
27:53
Alan said a tracker is the registered list you find online.
27:57
Either way, I'm pretty sure it's harassment.
28:01
Oh, and what else? Is that it?
28:03
Is that it? You just kind of my big thing.
28:05
Yeah. You just do it to kind of pad your insecurities.
28:07
And me, Santa.
28:09
Yeah. Oh, that's good.
28:11
Listen, each of these centers sound tremendously more interesting than the actual Santa.
28:16
Would you say that you are more of a Grinch than a Santa?
28:19
No, I wouldn't say that.
28:21
My heart is three sizes too big because of artery disease.
28:23
Yeah. And because there's so much need for love in my heart.
28:29
It's just overflowing.
28:31
The need for love, not that you give love.
28:33
Right. I don't care about people.
28:35
Yeah, I noticed that given the conversation that we had.
28:37
You're a love vacuum.
28:39
Yeah.
28:41
That's good. That's good.
28:43
So while we're on the subject, here's what I do as Santa Claus.
28:47
Right now, I'm a thin, lean fighting machine. Santa generally is a very hefty individual.
28:55
High BMI that guy has.
28:59
So first of all, I am going to gain three to 350 pounds.
29:03
That will put me right around the 500 pound mark.
29:07
I think that's perfect. I think that's perfect.
29:09
And that will really get me into the shape of Santa, literally.
29:13
I think that will all his clothes will fit. It'll make a very easy transition.
29:17
And I'm not going to change too much.
29:19
I'm going to go.
29:21
The reindeer might be sweating as they're dragging me through there.
29:25
Like it's not going to be easy for them.
29:29
All right.
29:31
You have to get like three more reindeer.
29:33
Yeah, I'm going to have to get three more.
29:35
I'm not going to pay them.
29:37
I'm going to land on the house and they're going to hear me walking across that roof.
29:41
Be hard to miss.
29:43
It's not going to sound joyful and cheerful as those kids are sleeping at two in the morning and they hear these giant boots stomping and cracking their their roof.
29:54
It sounds like a diabetic boulder.
29:56
I'm sure you lose some grace, too.
29:58
So you're like stumbling out of the fireplace.
30:01
Oh, oh, I sound like a B-52 bomber with my breathing.
30:06
You know, like it.
30:07
I'm huffing and puffing and I do go down the chimney.
30:09
I'm glad you brought that up.
30:11
Here's the thing, though.
30:12
I'm not magic.
30:13
It's surprise, surprise.
30:15
And I am now well over five hundred pounds.
30:18
I'm going to get stuck in that.
30:20
Yeah, I'm going to get stuck in the chimney in the first house.
30:24
Like you don't make it very far.
30:26
You're very far.
30:28
And you know, the kids wake up, the kids wake up for Christmas.
30:34
They run downstairs in their onesies, a lot less sexy onesies than Evans, but onesies nonetheless.
30:40
And they get around, they get to the tree and there's no presents.
30:44
Dad, mommy, where's our presents?
30:46
And they're like, I don't I don't know kids.
30:48
All of a sudden they hear, help.
30:51
Help.
30:53
They're like, do you hear that?
30:56
Do you hear that?
30:58
Adventure.
31:01
And then the father is like, it's it's probably somebody outside.
31:05
Let's start a fire.
31:06
It's cold in here.
31:07
And then they start a fire.
31:09
I'm like, oh, God, no.
31:11
Oh, God, no.
31:12
Help me.
31:13
Does the sweat lubricate your body enough to get you down?
31:17
Yeah, I slowly started sliding down, but it starts bowing out the walls.
31:21
Gosh.
31:22
It's coming down.
31:24
Smoking the family out of their house because they can't escape.
31:27
They may they may get their toys, but they're going to lose structural integrity on their home.
31:33
And carbon monoxide poisoning.
31:34
Yeah.
31:36
And that's what happens.
31:37
The carbon monoxide does build up.
31:40
The family dies, unfortunately.
31:42
And then the neighbors see the the vast amount of emergency vehicles and construction crews to to chisel me out of that chimney as if I am a dinosaur bone.
31:56
They're like, oh, my gosh, what's happened here?
31:59
There's just a random man in the chimney and a bunch of dead kids.
32:02
You know, I go to the hospital.
32:03
My face is black from the black face and and the smoke.
32:09
Excuse me.
32:10
Sure.
32:11
And, you know, once I get out of the hospital, my job is not done.
32:15
I have to go back.
32:16
I go to the next door neighbor's house, the next door neighbor's house.
32:20
I do it again.
32:21
By this point, it's like it's got to be like afternoon on a Christmas day.
32:26
It's probably like I'm there for a minute, so it might be even the next day.
32:29
It might be the day after Christmas.
32:31
I'm very behind.
32:33
Wait, did you say the emergency crew crew's leave or they just like get you out and then you immediately say, all right, thanks.
32:38
And they're still like out in the driveway and you walk up to the I just like you have a ladder.
32:45
Yeah, that's right.
32:46
And I just kind of roll out of the the gurney that they're carrying me on and I just kind of climb up the ladder to the next house.
32:52
Hop right in.
32:53
They watch me do it.
32:54
They're watching.
32:55
They're like, oh, God dang it.
32:57
You know, and the family runs out of that house because the smoke starts taking over their house and they just saw what happened to the other family.
33:05
They watched me come from the other house into their house.
33:08
But about house number two, I'm sure the emergency guys were like, you know what?
33:12
We're we're going to have to stay here.
33:14
There's there's no leave in this scene.
33:17
You're like a deer that they just got a pit in the ground.
33:20
Yeah, it falls right back in right back in.
33:22
Yeah, it's a full time job for them.
33:24
They wanted to be with their families on Christmas, but no, they're going to be with me for the next five houses on Christmas Day.
33:33
You know, but that's I mean, that's really what I do with chimneys.
33:36
It's nice when I go to a poor neighborhood in the structural integrity of the roof of the house.
33:40
Isn't that great? And I just kind of fall right through because of my my mass, you know, so I just kind of fall right through the roof ceilings.
33:48
Sucks for their roof, but you're not stuck anymore.
33:51
I am not stuck and actually get the job done.
33:53
I didn't get a nice toys because they're poor.
33:55
But like I, you know, I at least am able to deliver the toys for them.
33:59
You think you would learn from that and you would start kind of looking for weak points in people's roofs.
34:04
When you're five hundred and seventy five pounds, every point in the roof is a weak point.
34:10
Yeah, right. Now, to your point, I think that sometimes the weaker points don't creek as much before I fall into them.
34:18
But they're every point is weak. Full disclosure, I have killed a married couple because I fell through the roof right into the bedroom as they're sleeping.
34:27
Yeah, I still delivered the presents, though, because I'm committed as Santa.
34:31
You've got a job and you got to make sure it's done. You know, yeah.
34:34
You kind of spring off that mattress a little bit.
34:38
When you're five hundred and fifty pounds, the mattress that you land on has no elasticity.
34:44
It just it flattens out like a like a piece of rubber.
34:47
Yeah, there's a lot of physics going on with that. Yeah.
34:50
Yeah, it's it's difficult.
34:52
And, you know, my doctor says I need to lose weight for my health, but also the amount of people I've killed inadvertently.
34:59
They just say that they don't mean it. They're just trying to get your money.
35:03
They want they want your business.
35:05
They want you in in that doctor's office all the time so they can tell you about how fat you are.
35:10
Yeah, and I'm not fat. I might be five hundred fifty five pounds, but I'm not fat.
35:14
I I just need the body, the body positivity that you all bring.
35:17
So thank you all for that. So you're well endowed.
35:19
You put on all this weight. Yeah.
35:21
Do you lose it at some point during the year and then put it back on?
35:24
I know. And I only I'm only getting bigger every year. Wow.
35:27
Yeah. So next year I'm expecting another 200 pounds.
35:30
Um, at that point, I'm not even going to try to go.
35:34
I'm just going to roll off the roof to the front yard and just kind of be out there moaning.
35:38
But you got to go and get your presence out, out in the yard, you know.
35:42
Have you ever thought about just getting a vehicle and just ditching the reindeer altogether?
35:46
I can. I'm a traditionalist.
35:48
And, you know, as the years go on, I'll have to get more and more reindeer.
35:52
You know, maybe I can get a kind of mix of two vehicle and a reindeer, make it a little bit easier.
35:57
I accidentally hit the gas run right through the reindeer right in front of me.
36:01
Kill the reindeer. Occupational has it's just it's collateral damage.
36:06
They were signing up. Yeah. Yeah.
36:08
It's OSHA approved. So you can't be held liable. Yeah. Yeah.
36:12
What does OSHA stand for, Alan?
36:14
Occupational Safety Something Association.
36:18
It's not as fun when you give a real answer.
36:21
But, you know, that's what I do as Santa Claus.
36:24
Do y'all agree that's a kind of a good route to go?
36:27
I would agree that is a way to go. It is a it is a way to go.
36:31
It is a way to go of all time.
36:34
What do you think? What do you think about that?
36:36
I think you could probably workshop it a little bit, but I'd say your plan right now sounds good for this year's Christmas.
36:42
When I'm at the lightest. Yeah, I agree. I agree.
36:45
But the more pounds you add, the harder it's going to get. Yeah.
36:48
But the more magical I become.
36:52
Sure. Yeah, whatever.
36:54
Oh, there you go. Three Santa Claus options.
36:56
So, you know, if there is a Santa Claus job open, we have a Santa Claus that will give you presents that you didn't really ask for,
37:05
but also put pictures in of himself without clothes on.
37:11
Don't let your kids get to it.
37:12
And then that's right. And the other Santa Claus is a very insecure Santa Claus that will manipulate the gifts that you ask for.
37:19
So you so he can then go in there and berate you with how much he needs you.
37:23
You need him. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
37:26
And then they'll finally a Santa Claus that will be way overweight and probably end up killing your family with various ways of being unhealthy.
37:36
But there you go, guys. Good, good Santa Claus stuff.
37:39
But good job, guys. Santa Claus is just it proves that we can do any job.
37:44
Not well, but interestingly, and really that counts for something better than the people who are doing it currently.
37:51
Yeah, I agree. But in saying that, let's hop into our next segment.
37:55
We're going to do we're going to do draft. Welcome back to the draft.
37:59
Good young players with the drafts all about. Here and in your welcome back to the draft.
38:04
I never say anything like this.
38:06
All right. So right now it's just me and Evan just hanging out in the studio.
38:11
Finally got rid of Zach for just a quick minute.
38:14
We're going to do a blind draft, which if you've been listening, you know how this goes.
38:19
If you're new, we send one of us out and the other two determine a draft topic.
38:24
The topic of the draft is the top three nightclubs that would have the best Christmas party.
38:30
All right, Zach. Welcome back. Thank you.
38:32
So I won the draft last time we did it, which is only a couple of episodes ago.
38:36
So I think I'm ready to think I'm ready to win again.
38:39
Yeah, I mean, I think once you get a taste of the peak, you know, of the tip,
38:48
once you get a taste of the high tip, you know, you never want to go back down to the valley.
38:56
So I'm ready to be up there again.
38:58
You know, it's a lot of confidence coming in for someone that is going in blind to this.
39:03
Well, here's the thing, man. I believe blind people can do anything.
39:07
And as a member of the blind community at the moment, I think I think I can win this despite my limitations.
39:17
So, OK, honestly, I don't think that anyone has won a blind draft yet.
39:22
I don't think so. But there's always a first time, you know,
39:24
and I'm glad you are here to watch my first time.
39:26
All right. I can go first.
39:31
All right. My first pick is going to be the yellow snow, the yellow snow, the yellow snow,
39:38
urine snow. All right. Urine snow.
39:40
My first pick is going to be hips and nips for old Saint Nick.
39:47
Yellow snow, hips and nips for old Saint Nick.
39:53
OK, so my first pick is going to have to be something that involves or is related to yellow snow and hips and nips for old Saint Nick.
40:03
It sounds like a really weird Christmas song.
40:06
All right. So my first pick is going to be a baggie of freshly shaved armpit hair.
40:13
People really didn't have that one.
40:14
Well, yeah. But I think, you know, if I'm going to try to follow the pattern here, yellow snow and hips and nipples,
40:21
I think armpit hair falls kind of in line with that, I would say.
40:24
Yeah. Not quite following that train of logic here.
40:29
But yeah, sure. All right.
40:32
It doesn't matter. Don't judge me. Don't make fun of blind people.
40:35
OK. Second pick for me is going to be the Hoover Dam.
40:39
All right. Definitely a size difference there.
40:42
All right. The Hoover Dam and yellow snow for you.
40:45
This is a tough pick for me, but I'm going to have to go with dangle all the way.
40:50
Dangle all the way. Hips and nips for Santa.
40:55
Old Saint Nick.
40:56
OK. There's a licensing thing.
40:58
Yeah.
40:59
Make sure you say that.
41:00
Yours sound like a HR's list of reasons you're getting fired.
41:04
All right. So my third pick is going to somehow involve what I think is a very sexual,
41:09
harassing Christmas song and the Hoover Dam.
41:14
I'm going to go with old expired condoms.
41:17
Oh, that's what I'm going to go with for my second pick.
41:20
I think for some reason it has a size situation to it and it sounds kind of sexually harassing.
41:27
So I think it's foot both camps there.
41:29
It kind of flows. Yeah.
41:30
Seems like Zach, thanks for drafting things you'd find in a dingy drug dealer's apartment.
41:36
Third and final pick, boys.
41:38
I'm going to go with White Power Christmas.
41:43
White Power Christmas. Like what the Klan probably celebrates.
41:46
I don't really matter who celebrates it.
41:49
I think it's just just a name.
41:50
OK. Yeah. OK. It seems like you're dodgy.
41:52
All right. Evan's third and final pick.
41:56
Last pick. There's a lot to choose from here, but I think I'm going to have to go with let's get slayed.
42:03
Let's get slayed.
42:04
Hips and nips for old Saint Nick and dingle dangle all the way.
42:09
Dangle all the way. Yeah.
42:10
And yours were it was the Hoover Dam.
42:13
Yellow snow.
42:14
Yellow snow and the White Power Christmas.
42:17
Yes, I'm going to go with a quadriplegic hit man, a hit man that does not have use of any of his body below his neck.
42:23
How does he kill people?
42:24
He's not very good at it, but he believes in himself and that's strictly blow darts.
42:28
Maybe. Yeah.
42:30
So is that your full answer?
42:33
A quadriplegic hit man. Yeah.
42:35
A man who has no use of his arms and legs to kill somebody.
42:38
That's the full answer.
42:39
I mean, I guess if you want to put the explanation in there, you sure.
42:42
I like it. I think it helps paint the picture.
42:45
Okay. Okay.
42:46
So final, let's go over our final choices here.
42:49
I picked freshly shaved armpit hair, expired condoms and a hit man that does not have any use of his body below his neck.
42:56
Alan, you had Yellow Snow, Hoover Dam and White Power Christmas.
43:01
Really interesting last choice.
43:03
And Evan just had, I think, Christmas songs.
43:08
Dingle, dangle all the way, hips and nips for St.
43:12
Old St. Nick. And what was the last one?
43:14
Let's get slayed. Let's get slayed. Okay.
43:16
So so what are we drafting here?
43:20
I think we are drafting simply things.
43:23
No, I can't. What are we drafting?
43:28
Hoover Dam. What are you doing?
43:31
I can't. Evans.
43:33
Pigs are throwing me off compared to Alex.
43:37
I'm going to say I'm going to say things you might bring to a Christmas party, things you might sing at a Christmas party, things you might gift at a Christmas party.
43:49
I have no idea. I had a quadriplegic hit.
43:51
Yeah. Well, you know, I think he should be invited to Christmas parties that given as a gift.
43:55
Well, I mean, I put him in a bow. He can't take it off.
43:58
I had that. That's my pick.
44:00
What's the go ahead and, you know, give me the draft here.
44:04
It's a top three nightclubs that would have the best Christmas party.
44:11
The Hoover Dam.
44:13
Hoover Dam. Yellow snow.
44:15
Yellow snow.
44:17
This is the yellow snow.
44:19
Yeah, the yellow snow. Yeah.
44:21
It sounds like a very exclusive nightclub.
44:23
Yeah, it's got its audience.
44:25
That's for sure.
44:26
Now, would you all go to a nightclub called the expired condom?
44:32
I did not think it.
44:34
But when you said it, it did sound closer to the name of a nightclub.
44:37
Yeah. Arm pit hair.
44:39
Well, that's why you were questioning me on the whole title of the paraplegic quadriplegic man.
44:46
You're like, is the name quadriplegic man that also does not have or that does not have use below his neck?
44:53
Yeah. Whatever you said after.
44:55
It's a long neon sign for that club.
44:58
I thought it would be like in big letters, quadriplegic hit man and then like in smaller letters does not have use smaller parentheses is involved somewhere.
45:08
Hey, bro, do you want to go to the quadriplegic hit man?
45:13
Does not have use of any of his body below his neck.
45:16
That sign lights up the whole street.
45:18
It's taken up most of the grid.
45:20
Well, suit that was not even close, though I, you know, I'll put my vote into the ring here.
45:28
Mine sound like the most interesting clubs to go to.
45:31
I think I'd stay away from those.
45:33
You know, but I don't think you would be invited to them anyway.
45:36
They're pretty exclusive.
45:37
Seem like a dark German nightclub.
45:40
Das yellow snow.
45:43
Oh, OK.
45:45
Nightclubs. That's a good one.
45:47
Who won here? Let's let's take a vote.
45:50
I'm going to give it to Evan.
45:52
Yeah, dingle dangle all the way.
45:54
Evans were more creative.
45:57
I knew the topic and mine still didn't get that that creative.
46:01
So I'm going to I'm going to give it to him.
46:04
OK, yeah.
46:06
This is actually tough.
46:08
So do you want to run through them?
46:09
So we have the yellow snow, the Hoover Dam and White Power Christmas, the White Power.
46:16
I'm going to guess that's exclusive for a different reason.
46:19
Yeah. All right.
46:21
And it's a problematic night. Yeah.
46:23
Yeah. And then mine was armpit hair, freshly shaved armpit hair, expired condoms, quadriplegic hit man who doesn't have use of his lower body under his neck.
46:34
It changes every time. It's a very long.
46:36
It's a very long time.
46:38
I think I'm going to have to give it to Zach just for just for the hit man.
46:42
The hit man one of the love the long time.
46:44
Yeah, I really do.
46:46
I love to just zap the power grid.
46:50
I love the breath that comes in the middle of it that you have to you have to take in order to get through the whole time.
46:57
Well, I guess it comes down to my vote.
46:59
I'm going to vote Evan to I think the use of the sexual harassment, you know, kind of take on it.
47:06
They're also songs and usually nightclubs involved music.
47:09
So, Evan, I'm going to give it.
47:10
I'm going to give it to you for your weirdly rapey, weirdly dark nightclub music.
47:19
It sounds like a club where you come to get murdered.
47:22
Yeah, I realize that after I said it and I was like, maybe it should be something different.
47:29
But you told it. I did.
47:31
And I'm sticking with it. Let's get slayed as a premier nightclub for all Christmas.
47:36
Which one would you rather go to?
47:38
Which place are you going to take it too much mall again?
47:41
Hips and nips for old.
47:44
That that's going to be my go to.
47:46
There's no way the people that wait on you in there aren't just like greasy old men with their nipples showing.
47:52
But everybody is kind of just free spirit.
47:57
But well, congratulations, Evan, on another win.
48:00
I think it's your third win. Yeah.
48:01
I mean, it's just it doesn't even feel like anything anymore.
48:05
It's just kind of oh, my gosh.
48:09
So I'm not going to make a big deal out of it.
48:11
But we complain about his high horse that he seems to always climb back on.
48:15
But we give him the wind. I know it's it's one of those things where he he brings the content.
48:21
Yeah, I just there's there's really nothing that we can do about that drafts.
48:25
Well, when you're a winner, people just people know.
48:29
Yeah, you just you make yourself known. I get it.
48:31
Let's do something that Christmas revolves around a lot of. And that's love.
48:36
So today we have the widow, Miss Claus here.
48:39
And she's looking for love because, as you know, the three of us have already given our answers to what we would do with Santa.
48:46
Now we just have to take get the last piece.
48:48
And that's marrying a three thousand year old woman.
48:51
That's right. As God intended. Yeah.
48:55
So let's see out of the three of us who she picks for her next love.
49:05
All right. And welcome back to QD and me.
49:09
This evening, we've got a lovely three thousand year young woman, Mrs.
49:16
Santa Claus recently widowed after her husband was killed in a sledding accident.
49:23
She's here and looking for love.
49:27
Thank you, Alan. It's lovely to be here. It's bittersweet.
49:31
My loving husband has finally passed and it's time for me to move on.
49:37
I'm excited for the perspective men here today.
49:41
They won't be as as wisdom as I am, but I trust that they'll be wonderful candidates.
49:48
All right. Let's meet our contestants. Contestant number one.
49:52
Hey, I'm Evan and I have really sexy onesies.
50:00
Contestant number two. Hi, Mrs. Claus.
50:05
I would love to be your Santa. Fun fact. I'm Zach.
50:12
I'm very I'm very nervous around extremely old women.
50:21
My fun fact about me is that your Santa may have had licorice edible underwear, but mine is chocolate.
50:30
Hey, y'all. My name's Tug.
50:35
My hobby and my hobby is smashing mirrors in the parking lot.
50:44
All right. It was a strapping bunch of contestants. Let's turn it back over to Mrs. Claus for the questions.
50:51
Thank you, Alan. I'm excited to get into the questions.
50:54
Contestant number one. Could you tell me what goal you are working towards right now?
51:00
Yeah, I guess my current goals right now would be just gathering, cultivating Intel on the dairy industry.
51:11
Just kind of see what's going on. Very interesting.
51:16
I have so many questions.
51:23
But sounds like somebody's going to do it.
51:26
Contestant number two. What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
51:31
The best advice I have ever received, Miss St. Nick, is you might have two knees, but you only need one of them.
51:41
OK. Very insightful. Thank you.
51:49
Contestant number two. Contestant number three.
51:52
If you could go back in time and witness a historical event, which one would you choose?
51:58
Yeah, I'd probably go probably time travel back to the day that your husband died, as it might end up being the best day of my life.
52:12
That was an upsetting answer.
52:17
All right. Moving on.
52:19
Contestant number one. Who is your celebrity crush?
52:28
That boy just gets me going.
52:33
Just kind of how he took charge of that whole farm really just made me realize what I want, what I'm looking for in someone.
52:43
So y'all remember the cow from the animated television show Barnyard?
52:50
I kind of just knew how to take charge and get things going.
52:54
And I've got to say, I've admired him ever since for that and kind of showed me what I was looking for in someone else.
53:00
You liked it because he was a male cow with other udders, though, don't you?
53:03
That wasn't part of the question.
53:06
All right. It seems to be a trend with the dairy industry going on here.
53:13
All righty. Contestant number two.
53:16
Could you tell me what your hidden talent is?
53:19
OK, Miss Saint Nick.
53:23
Contestant number three.
53:27
OK, Miss. OK. My hidden talent is taking normal sized carrots and gnawing on them and making them baby carrots.
53:38
How do you feel about the prepackaged baby carrots already in the aisle?
53:42
They've taken my jobs.
53:49
OK, well, that's that's definitely an answer.
53:51
Contestant number three. What's the weirdest food combination you've tried that turned out to be surprisingly great?
53:59
Yeah, I'm going to say it's probably going to be a stuffed pheasant that's stuffed with skittles.
54:08
Also, whatever your husband's favorite meal was.
54:14
My husband had many, many vices.
54:18
All righty. Last round of questions.
54:21
Buckle in, folks.
54:24
She's taking over the.
54:26
I'd love it if you'd let me have my show back, Mrs. Claus.
54:31
I love your eagerness, though.
54:33
I do, too.
54:36
Contestant number two. Control yourself.
54:39
Naughty, naughty.
54:42
All righty. Contestant number one. Do you have a favorite word that you think is just delightful to hear or say?
54:48
Yeah, I do, actually.
54:51
So my favorite word has actually been pasteurization.
54:54
Oh, yeah.
54:56
Just God, it's just such a good good word.
54:59
It has a good meaning. You know, it lets you get to that juicy, thick, warm milk and just makes it just what it means to me is more.
55:09
Why I love that word, then kind of how it sounds, just because God,
55:16
anything I can do to just get a nice jug of milk.
55:21
Somebody take his mic.
55:25
A lot of heavy breathing.
55:28
I get it. But contestant number two.
55:31
Final question. What does home mean to you?
55:34
Oh, thank you, Miss Saint Nick.
55:37
Home is actually an acronym to me.
55:41
It stands for hoes or mice everywhere, because that's what I have in my house is just prostitutes and rodents.
55:51
Sounds like you need a motherly touch.
55:54
Oh, Miss Saint Nick. Yes, I do.
56:02
All right, please. The game is not over yet.
56:05
Keep quiet, Alan.
56:09
Contestant number three.
56:11
Final question. Have you ever experienced a life altering moment that changed your perspective?
56:17
Yeah, when I when I ran my my Dooley right into that man on a sled with being pulled by pulled by reindeer,
56:28
I got to say it probably changed my life for the better.
56:34
Wait a second.
56:38
I like a man that can drive.
56:44
All right. That was a lot of good answers from our three masculine contestants.
56:49
Mrs. Claus, after hearing all that, what do you think?
56:53
Thank you, Alan. I think just to recap, contestant number one probably has a dairy allergy and he's scared to admit it.
57:02
But I like his heart. Contestant number two seems very, very interested in what I got going on.
57:10
Yeah, there he goes again.
57:15
God, I feel a little scared for my safety, but I like adventure.
57:25
Contestant number three obviously killed my husband, so you're most likely out.
57:35
Considering all the answers I've gotten today weighing all the odds, I think the easy choice is contestant number one.
57:44
Thank God. Oh, man. Hey, contestant number one.
57:48
Contestant number three has a habit of running down Mrs. Claus's husband.
57:56
So let me get your VIN number.
58:02
Oh, man. There you go, Evan.
58:04
Man, you want it by just sticking with dairy answers.
58:09
Have you ever gotten a woman just dairy answer?
58:12
Actually, how I got my first wife just pure dairy answer.
58:16
Women go mad for the dairy. Yeah.
58:18
Little known fact for you boys. Oh, great.
58:21
He won. He wins a dating competition.
58:23
Also, he has knowledge. Learn a little bit more about pasteurization.
58:27
Yeah, I'm not going to about owning just a plot of land and putting some animals out on it.
58:35
That's what women love right there. Yeah. Yeah.
58:37
I'm not going to. You can take his advice, though.
58:40
Yeah, I'm not going to.
58:41
I don't I'm looking at your arm right here and I can see the bottom half of that cow from Barnyard and it's just udders right now.
58:49
Yeah, you like that? No.
58:52
But there you go. Christmas episode over.
58:56
That's like you look at that. The people got to hear about what we would do with Santa Claus.
59:00
People got to hear a draft.
59:03
Do you think that people will year after year gather around the hearth and listen to this?
59:09
It'll be like it'll be like Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas.
59:13
It'll just it'll be a staple. Yeah. Yeah.
59:15
Yeah, obviously, because we're men.
59:17
And I think it'll just be something that will be continued every Christmas.
59:21
I think so. I agree.
59:23
But as we end it, guys, let's do a traditional one liner wisdom for the Saturday workers.
59:28
You can put up Christmas lights outside your house all you want to.
59:33
But it's not going to do you any good if the light inside is out.
59:37
Oh, wow. That's actually really deep and easy to connect the dots.
59:43
If you want him, my bloomers, you must be a dairy consumer.
59:53
Thank you, Miss Claus, for jumping in on that.
59:59
I haven't been saying Miss Claus are over there making out right now.
1:00:02
I know you all can't see it, but she she went from oh, my God.
1:00:07
She went from kissing Evan heavily to just leaning over and saying that to the mic.
1:00:11
You feeling good, Evan? You feeling all right?
1:00:13
There's so much milk. Oh, my God.
1:00:16
But thank you all.
1:00:18
If you have a hypothetical or if you need advice, if you need facts about any subject,
1:00:24
question will detour podcast at gmall.com.
1:00:26
Write in. Let us know.
1:00:28
But all right, guys, you want to be done? Yes.
1:00:31
There's milk everywhere.