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34 | Why Small Decisions Feel So Overwhelming After Narcissistic Abuse · The Messy Middle Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Messy Middle, the podcast for women navigating the raw, confusing, lonely aftermath of narcissistic abuse and emotional control.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Erica Leon, trauma-informed abuse recovery coach, mom of five, and creator of the six keys to unfuckwithable.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you're picking up the pieces, questioning everything, and trying to remember who the fuck you were before you were so carefully erased, you're in the right place.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is why small decisions feel so overwhelming.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And spoiler alert, it has nothing to do with you being bad at making decisions.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get into it.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever stood in a supermarket or looking at something completely ordinary and found yourself completely stuck?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about just like you're tired and spacey and you haven't caffeinated today because goodness knows I'm a woman of a certain age that forgets what the fuck I was doing in this room that I got into in the first place.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not that.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not that you're stuck because it's important or not because it's expensive, you're just stuck, kind of frozen.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it it could be something really simple, like choosing between two different brands of coffee.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And also, I'm not talking about when you absolutely love research.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: For me, that is the more fun on the actual purchase, to be honest.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: So that's my weird kink.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Ignore me.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: But you're not stuck because it's a big thing or because it's an important thing.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: It could be something really simple, like deciding which paint colour to buy, whether to cut your hair, working a holiday, or buying a new couch, and you just sit there looking at two perfectly reasonable options, and somehow your brain starts behaving as though you're deciding whether to jump out of an aeroplane with or without a parachute.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the really frustrating part is you know it's ridiculous.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're standing there thinking, fuck's sake, just pick one.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Except you can't, or you do eventually choose, but then you spend the next three days wondering if you made the wrong decision.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever done that?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Have you?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I know I have.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then you finally buy the sofa or the coffee, and then you immediately start looking at every other sofa online.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it is because you genuinely don't like it, but but it's not really because you want the other one.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's because your brain is desperately searching for reassurance that you got it right.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've ever done that, I want you to know something.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's because you're indecisive.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like who am I?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: What the fuck?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Who cares?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: What I think.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: But as somebody who has spoken to so many people, thousands of people, and has more than 10,000 hours, there are patterns that jump out at me, and I hear the same thing over and over again.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's worth mentioning.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: So this is why all of these episodes exist.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually think something much more interesting is happening.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I have been thinking about this a lot recently because so many women do tell me I don't trust myself anymore.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's a really common thing after you've been in manipulative, controlling, or abusive relationships.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that is because they've been taught not to.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And often they say things like, My picker's off.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think that's what's going on there either.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Your picker's not off.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody pretends to be something they're not, and then when you fully trust, they reveal their truth and they put you through hell.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what that's about.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to know I don't think that it's your indecision.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I've said many times that you move toward the kind of conditioning you had when you were young.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Familiarity feels like safety.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so, like a moth to a flame, you gravitate toward that.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they will say it directly that they don't trust themselves, and sometimes they don't.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it comes out sounding like, can I just run something by you?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or does that make sense after every single thing they say?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Or what would you do?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or I know this probably sounds silly, but and these are all the I don't trust myself comments.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And no, to me it doesn't sound silly.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like someone who stopped believing their own judgment is enough because that's what happens, and those are really different things.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And something I've noticed over these thousands of conversations is that people often assume the biggest decisions are the hardest ones.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we're made to feel like that.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I think if you look at all the movies and everything, it's people with these epic decisions to make and blah blah blah.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, leaving the relationship, filing for divorce, going no contact, starting over, and yes, obviously they're giant.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: They are, and you do deliberate about them for a while logically, but actually, for a lot of the women I work with, and if I draw my own experience, by the time those decisions happen, they don't really feel like decisions anymore.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: They feel like survival, and there's usually been a tipping point, a moment where something inside you finally snaps, and you just say, I cannot physically go another fucking day of this.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I can't.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not necessarily a bout of confidence or suddenly becoming fearless.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I would love for you all to have the I will survive song playing in the background like a montage reel in a Rocky movie, but that's not usually what happens.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's just self-preservation quietly kicking in, or maybe loudly kicking in, and then taking the wheel.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your nervous system finally reaches that point where staying has just become more frightening than leaving.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, it doesn't really feel like you've made a huge and brave decision.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, it is brave, and of course, looking back on it, you certainly get it.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: But all that adrenaline and all that survival, it just it feels like there really simply wasn't another option anymore.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And ironically, it's all the little decisions afterwards that can suddenly seem stickier than they really should.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like choosing a new bed or booking a holiday or applying for a job, joining a gym, going on a first date, godforsaken dating apps, oh my goodness, or buying a frickin' lamp.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And those are the decisions that leave a lot of women staring into space and wondering why can't I just fucking decide?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I know why.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because for the first time in years, there isn't an emergency making that decision for you.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're in family court or you're still in the process of a really hideous divorce, which they always call high conflict, but it's not fucking high conflict, it's one abuser.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I digress, but now it's just you.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm saying that that doesn't really apply to you.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in those high stress situations still, then you probably haven't got the luxury yet of chilling and going around TJ Maxx like nothing matters except what's right in front of you.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: But now, if you're in that phase, it's just you choosing, it's not you surviving, you're just choosing, choosing what you like or choosing what you think will be good in a space or for a holiday, or and they're really different.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not about being right, because I wonder how many of us, because I've heard it so many times, believe that every decision has a perfect answer.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: As though somewhere out there's one correct holiday or correct sofa or relationship or choice about something.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And if we just think hard enough, research long enough, ask enough people, you know, that 85 people in the friend group will eventually discover it.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I really don't think life works like that from everything I've observed.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Most decisions aren't right or wrong, they're simply the path you walk next.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if we're talking here about things like holidays, rugs, lamps.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And when you've had years having your judgment questioned and you've spent years being criticized, dismissed, laughed at, brought down, your nervous system starts believing that making the wrong choice is actually dangerous.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not just inconvenient or kind of a bummer or something you learn from, but dangerous.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And again, that is a really different way to experience life.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: From thinking that a bad decision is inconvenient, you'll deal with it and you'll probably learn something from it, to thinking it's gonna kill you.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's very different.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: On your stress levels, it's different on every part, physically and mentally.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And borrowing everyone else's confidence is something I'm always talking about with people.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something I find fascinating because when women stop trusting themselves, they don't stop making decisions, they just start gradually outsourcing them, asking your sister or your best friend or Google or ChatGPT or Facebook.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there are so many people getting advice from ChatGPT right now, and it's I mean, some of it's good, of course, but honestly, some of it is delusional, crazy.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you might read 87 reviews.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm that guy, actually.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: You watch YouTube comparisons or or you keep gathering more and more information, and somehow you don't feel much clearer.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because information is not what you're missing, that trust is that little bit inside you that's like a honing device where you just know, like you know that that's the decision.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And if even if you don't, you go, it's figure-attable, who cares?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I always have that feeling when I'm going away somewhere that I've forgotten something, and then I think if I've got my access to my money, my passport, then things will always be fine, right?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then it calms you down a little bit.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: But if you kind of always know that you're going to be okay no matter what, that's something that I think you lose in these high control and abusive relationships, even in systems of oppression.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you can have every fact in the world and still not believe yourself when that trust part is missing.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think one of the the biggest myths that we've been sold, I mean, there are so many, don't get me started into another rant, is that this confidence comes first, that one day you'll wake up, you'll trust yourself, and then you'll make better decisions.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's bullshit.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's how it works at all.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think trust is built afterwards, not before.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's important.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're waiting to feel completely certain before you make a decision, you're going to be waiting a really long time.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Do your due diligence, of course.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I almost take that for granted.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: That is what you'll do.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I know that women are amazing and we do 50,000 things at once and we hold up the fucking world.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm assuming that part's covered.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: But what I think really happens is when you've spent years in a relationship where your judgment has been chipped away at, you slowly stop believing your own internal compass.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or at least connecting the feeling that you get in your gut and making it into cognition.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't believe that your intuition just goes away or stops.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that you stop acting on it because it might be against what you want to believe or and or dangerous.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it's definitely not because you're weak.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I always say this, I know it's kind of boring, but it's really not ever about that.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's because you've been trained not to use it.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you think about it, maybe every time you choose a restaurant, you were told it was a bad choice, or every purchase you made was criticized, you're made to feel small or stupid or good or berated.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Every opinion you had was debated, every memory corrected, and every feeling you had questioned or denied, probably gaslit the fuck out of you.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: But you slowly start experiencing life through what do I think?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And instead you start experiencing it through will somebody else think this is okay?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: And again, a completely different way to move through the world.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess a sneaky thing is it doesn't just stay inside the relationship, it's kind of like a bad smell, it follows you out.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship ends, maybe the criticism stops, but nobody's standing over your shoulder anymore.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: But your nervous system doesn't seem to know that.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Every tiny decision still feels like somebody's about to mark your homework.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: It takes a while to slough it off as though somewhere there's this invisible examinator thing to tell you, wrong.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: I have honestly seen women spend more time deciding whether they're allowed to buy themselves a new handbag than they spent deciding to leave the 20-year marriage to that douche canoe.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it for a minute on paper, it makes absolutely no sense until you really realize that the marriage ended because survival eventually made that decision for you.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: You got to a tipping point, you may have been thinking about it for many years, but the handbag, that's a preference.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a freedom you have to choose.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you saying, I like this one.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if you spent years not being allowed to say, I like this one without some kind of backlash, that's going to feel really scary to your system.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And we tend to be forcibly disconnected from our intuition by people and systems that benefit from us being unsure and doubtful.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Just really think about that.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Think about when you were at the beginning of these relationships, there were always red flags and we always made excuses, and they come to bite you in the end.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the whole reason somebody who's abusive or controlling or manipulative doesn't want you connected to your intuition, as I've said many times, but hey, repetition is the mother of skill.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna keep saying it over and over again, is because it serves them that you don't have your survival instincts up as they should be, polished and at the surface.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's smart of them.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: They become your only source of what's right and wrong.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: They become the only source of things you can and can't think, can and can't like.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that's exactly the way they like it.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And preference is a muscle.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: I hate saying, I don't think we talk about this enough because it sounds so stupid like an AI swap sentence now, but I honestly don't.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Preference sounds really simple.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: You don't really think about it much.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Do you prefer tea or coffee?
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do you like blue or green?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Do you like the beach, the mountains?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Except women who've lived in survival for years, preference almost disappears.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: I honestly did not know what I liked.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Many layers underneath the bullshit I would have given you 15 years ago about what I liked wasn't what I liked at all.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know who the fuck that woman was.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Mom to five kids in quick succession.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Whole life was different than what I had ever planned.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Slowly gave away more and more pieces of me.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Everything I thought I liked, I just had told myself I liked because I was being this dutiful mom and wife.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was so not me.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I felt like what I liked was buried in about 50,000 layers, honestly, and that is the truth.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably crazy to say, but it is the truth.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: My own preferences, I did not get in touch with them for a really long time.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to try some shit.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Some of it was stupid, and some of it was cringe, and some of it was just reckless.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: I had to try it all because I didn't have a clue what I liked.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: And from what people have told me, and from my own experience there, it is largely because they just stopped asking and it being in any kind of focus in their life.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Especially if you're a parent or you're caring for people or you're just focused on other people's needs, like we're all taught to be, it just disappears.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: If someone else's mood has always mattered more, or someone else's opinion carried more weight, your own preferences quietly get pushed further and further into the background until eventually someone asks, What do you want?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: and your mind goes completely blank and you look like an idiot.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you don't know, actually.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's because nobody's asked you it in years, or you haven't thought of it in years.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or if they did, it wasn't safe to answer honestly.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: I remember coaching sweet, oh gosh, I love her.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I won't say her name, of course.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: But she burst into tears because someone asked where she wanted to go for lunch.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just lunch, literally.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's all it was.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: And afterwards she said, I genuinely didn't know.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it was not because she couldn't choose a cafe or she didn't know the area, it was just because she had become so accustomed to adapting herself around everyone else.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Those pretzels knots that I'm always talking about that we bend ourselves into to get love or to be acceptable or not be rejected.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And she just stopped hearing herself altogether.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it honestly broke my heart a little bit, and I totally identify with the feeling.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because so many women listening will recognise this.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's not necessarily about lunch, but somewhere you've caught yourself saying, Oh, I don't mind, when actually you probably didn't mind.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You just didn't feel entitled to have a preference.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: And let's not forget about us mistaking certainty for safety.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's another thing I wonder about a lot.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I think many of us secretly might even believe that if we could just become certain enough, nothing bad would ever happen again.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: So we research or compare, analyze.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh I know I do.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Double check, sleep on it, ask three friends, ask another two just in case.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: But certainty isn't actually what your nervous system is searching for.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Safety is.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And they, remarkably, are completely different things.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because certainty doesn't really exist.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't really.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can never know with an absolute confidence that you've picked the perfect house, or the perfect job, or the perfect partner, even if it feels like it in the moment, you cannot categorically, in front of everything that you believe will judge you, that it's the case.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Life doesn't really give us those kind of guarantees.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: And healing isn't learning how to make these perfect decisions or progression.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm hating the word healing, as you know, I'm looking for a new one.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Answers on a postcard, please.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's learning that you'll still be okay if one turns out not to be.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: If something turns out not to be perfect, so fucking what?
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: But when you're conditioned to think that everything hangs on it, your nervous system will be activated like it's dangerous.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that to me is self-trust.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not I'll always get it right, but it's even if I don't, even if I fuck up, I'll know what to do next.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: I do live by the mantra that when the time comes, I'll know what to do.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it it fills me up a bit with confidence because I don't know which came first, the chicken or the egg.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Whether me thinking that has created that to be a reality or the other way around, but I honestly always know what to do when I'm faced with it.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if I don't, I do nothing.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: I wait until the lake is still in my mind, and then the answer will pop in, honestly.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a real difference.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Can you feel the difference?
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: One of those things requires perfection, and the other one just requires trust and resilience.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, there's going to be a shitload of stuff thrown at you in life, but knowing that you will handle it, you will always figure it out.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: I especially love that about women.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: We are so freaking talented at that.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Of taking nothing and making it something.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: And you will do that too.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: You've already proved you're resilient also.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Crikey.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: You've survived things you never should have to survive.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: You've seen and done things you never should have to see and do.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's time your nervous system started getting some credit for that, don't you?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what I think healing, again, brackets, progression.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Recovery, please, someone find me a new fucking word, other than healing.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know what I think it really looks like?
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it looks like becoming somebody who's suddenly brilliant at making decisions.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think one day you wake up, throw caution to the wind, and confidently book holidays and buy all the houses and march into IKEA, knowing exactly which bloody sofa that you really like.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: I just think it looks like slowly becoming someone who stops treating every decision like a test.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of timidity, is that even a word?
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's not.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Being timid about these things and putting a little toe forward, I'm not sure it shows a level of, well, whatever happens, I'll deal with it.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Just a little by little, increasing that so the fuck what might be in order here.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you do treat every decision like a test, it's exhausting.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Living as though life is constantly asking you, well, have you picked the right one, like a judgy mother?
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Are you sure?
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: What do you regret it?
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Who wants to live like that?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the loveliest things I've watched happen with clients over the years and myself, isn't they suddenly become like this decision machine?
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's that they just become less frightened of being wrong.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: And they're different, right?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because those women aren't making better decisions than they were before.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: They're just actually making the decisions and then trusting themselves to deal with whatever happens next.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a definite difference.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: Can you feel the difference?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: One woman here is trying to protect.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Predict the future.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the other one is just she's backing herself, I guess.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: She's just, yeah, bring it.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do it and trust myself and I'll learn.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I personally would choose that second one every single time.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's where self-trust actually lives.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not in the I always know the answer, but whatever happens, I will work it out.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: And you already have evidence for that.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm constantly saying this to my people, my clients.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always reminding them.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: I would say three times a week, it comes up.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just with one person, you know, I'll be in the voxer doing the in-between support with my sweet one-on-one peeps.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, I don't think I can handle it.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I can do this.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm always reminding them, you already have evidence that you absolutely will do this.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: Look at what you've done so far.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: Look at your life, look at everything you've survived.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're still pumping out kindness and being a good person, doing the right thing for your kids, being a citizen, and look at the things you've never imagined you'd cope with, and then somehow you did.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: You did not get through those years because you always made perfect decisions.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: You got through them because every time life knocked the fuck out of you sideways, you found your feet again.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not straight away, and maybe not with a lot of grace.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm speaking about myself mainly there, but you did it.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: So why does your nervous system or one dismal haircut is gonna ruin your whole life?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because it won't.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I think controlling an abusive behavior that you've experienced, or even just living in a system that tells you to be polite, to smile, that you're in danger if you're not a good girl, is honestly enough to make us believe that making mistakes makes us unsafe.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: And they aren't the same thing.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: I really want you to take that to heart.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: Making a mistake is part of being human.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: Living your entire life trying to avoid making any is something else.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's the way you adapted to survive.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you that whatever rug you buy, you'll be alright.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes women do ask, how do I know if I'm making the right decision?
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I always gently want to change the question because I think the better question is which decision feels most like me?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not which one impresses anyone else, or which which one can nobody criticize, or can I not upset everybody with or get a load of punishment for, which one guarantees I won't regret it?
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's just which which one feels most like me.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you have spent years abandoning and betraying yourself to keep the peace, that question is revolutionary.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: It really is.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just say it to yourself.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: It feels good in your body, it feels different.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: And the truth is you will probably make decisions this year that won't work.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: I will, you will, everybody will, and that is life.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: The goal here is not to become somebody who never gets it wrong.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: That perfectionism thing is another adaptation of trauma to avoid pain, and it served its purpose, but we're gonna upgrade all of that.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: The goal here is to become someone who no longer abandons or betrays herself when she does.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: If she fucks up, the world doesn't disintegrate.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that to me is healing, progression, recovery.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Please someone help me.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Not perfection, not certainty.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's just really loyalty, isn't it?
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: Loyalty to yourself.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: And God knows we need some of that.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: And before you go, my lovely peeps, before you disappear into the rest of your day, I want you to try one tiny experiment this week.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing life-changing.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't start with deciding whether to sell your house or end a relationship.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to find one decision that doesn't really matter that much.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's something simple like what you have for dinner or route you drive home or which mug to pick to have your tea out of, or coffee.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: I know where I am.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or what to watch.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Goodness, there's so much choice.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even stand it.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: Something very beautifully ordinary.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then before you ask somebody else or Google it or do a hundred-person poll, just pause and ask yourself one question.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: You ready?
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: If nobody else was ever going to know about this decision, what would I choose?
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then feel that visceral few second reaction and then choose it.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's all.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: Don't analyze it afterwards.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't give yourself a score.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: Don't spend three days wondering if the other option was better.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: Just notice what it feels like to make one tiny decision from preference instead of protection.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because I truly believe, and we have proved this with my clients over and over, that is how self-trust grows.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's not through these enormous leaps, because they're usually survival-made, through hundreds of tiny moments where your nervous system slowly discovers, oh, she listens to me now.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I don't think there are many things more healing than that.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if today's episode had you quietly nodding along and thinking, bloody hell, I didn't realize I stopped trusting myself that much.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that you're not alone.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it only takes one conversation to untangle that thing you've been carrying around for years.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I know this because I would have bitten off anyone's hand who could have guided me through the untangling of all this messy shit.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: And they have all kinds of ways we can work together, you and I, or you can just learn with stuff that I've made that I wish I had had when I was in your shoes.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: It can be one conversation or a pattern or a decision or one place where you don't have to explain or overexplain yourself and have all the answers before you arrive.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: If any of that feels like the next step for you, I have popped all the details in the show notes.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to help you hear yourself again.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, send me any questions you want me to answer in a future episode.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: I am sending you so much love, and I will see you next time.