Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Plastic Surgery And Self-Love/Acceptance

Transcript

Plastic Surgery And Self-Love/Acceptance · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody. And welcome to the doctors.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show. I want everybody to subscribe
• 0:12
  but not only to my podcast, but I also have this private
• 0:15
  Facebook group and I got such an interesting question in my
• 0:18
  private Facebook group, which I can link to, in my description,
• 0:21
  in addition to subscribing to the podcast that I wanted to do
• 0:25
  a podcast about a to. So sometimes I'll be a little
• 0:28
  bit of overlap, but usually it'll be exclusive content in
• 0:33
  each. So this one I thought would be
• 0:35
  really Only interesting for you guys.
• 0:37
  It was a question asked about what I think about plastic
• 0:39
  surgery. And I recently talked in the
• 0:42
  private group about I did a video on how to give your kids
• 0:45
  positive body image. And one of my main points, there
• 0:49
  was to show that you have potty positive body image yourself,
• 0:53
  you know, and because they probably look like you so don't
• 0:57
  be so down on yourself, you know, and your kids probably
• 1:00
  will learn that they are acceptable and attractive.
• 1:04
  If you feel that you are Acceptable unattractive.
• 1:06
  Now what about the case of plastic surgery Botox this or
• 1:11
  whatever else? You know, so I love all that I
• 1:16
  do. I feel whatever science lets you
• 1:18
  do, do it. I myself had a boob job, I
• 1:21
  nursed three kids if you don't need a boob job after that I
• 1:24
  don't know who does. They should be given out for
• 1:26
  free as soon as you deliver your third baby.
• 1:29
  So I did that. I was happy.
• 1:31
  I paid for it with my advance from my book, had talk to your
• 1:34
  kids about your divorce. Got my boobs done, and I was
• 1:37
  really happy. I am still really happy.
• 1:40
  It is a big change. Makes you fit clothes different.
• 1:43
  I can buy different clothes. I never had big boobs and now
• 1:47
  I'm way happier. I like them and same with botox.
• 1:51
  I tried BOTOX for migraines, so it's covered by my insurance.
• 1:55
  Yay. All you have to do is have
• 1:56
  Decades of unremitting, chronic pain, and you finally, get
• 1:59
  something for free. So, since I was a little girl of
• 2:02
  six, I had terrible migraines. I'm Sure, that my upbringing
• 2:06
  didn't help. And finally when I turned about,
• 2:10
  I don't know. 30, 50, maybe even now even later.
• 2:14
  Like, 38, I don't know, I'm 41. Now they finally told me at the
• 2:19
  neurologist, I could try Botox and I don't expect anything
• 2:22
  positive, I thought Botox. In fact, this funny I thought
• 2:26
  that it would make me a worse psychologist because I pictured
• 2:28
  it being like, this Frozen face thing, like, like a person
• 2:32
  couldn't even smile or frown or something.
• 2:34
  It is not I got it all and I get more Botox in my head than the
• 2:38
  average person. I got 30 needles all over my
• 2:40
  back and my neck and my shoulders because of my
• 2:43
  migraines. It actually helps migraines.
• 2:45
  It reduces migraine frequency quite a bit.
• 2:47
  I was having them like every every other day at some point
• 2:51
  and now it's down to like once a week but anyhow.
• 2:55
  Um so both to add it, goes in your forehead to for the
• 2:58
  migraines and that's where they do it for cosmetic Botox and it
• 3:01
  looks great. Love it.
• 3:02
  I still have facial expression. Everybody knows that.
• 3:05
  That I can make kind of sarcastic phase as well as the
• 3:10
  next person. If not, I would say way better,
• 3:12
  that's my wheelhouse. So I I don't think anything
• 3:17
  about is wrong about accepting yourself, how you are and also
• 3:25
  changing, what you don't like as much this, the same thing as we
• 3:29
  do in therapy in every version of therapy for every single
• 3:33
  issue. DBT.
• 3:35
  To go behavior therapy, which is used for borderline but
• 3:38
  increasingly for everything. Mike practice right a DBT group,
• 3:42
  it's a form of therapy. That's the only empirically
• 3:44
  supported treatment for borderline personality disorder.
• 3:46
  The entire thing is predicated on the dialectic between
• 3:51
  acceptance and change. The idea is that a
• 3:54
  psychologically healthy individual can do both.
• 3:57
  They can accept themselves while trying to change.
• 4:00
  This is the basis of therapy and I deeply believe.
• 4:05
  Leave in therapy, you know? Otherwise wouldn't I be a fool
• 4:08
  right to be in this field? So for example, in couples
• 4:12
  counseling people come in, I don't say man, you got just both
• 4:16
  accept each other. You fuckers, you're never going
• 4:18
  to change, man. You are you just the best case
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  we could do is just accept it. You man, except that the woman
• 4:25
  is never going to sleep with you, you woman expect that, he's
• 4:27
  going to be a slug on the couch, we're fine.
• 4:30
  We all just got to accept each other.
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  Now I wouldn't make any money in my Practice.
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  If that is the stupid shit that I said.
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  So instead you yes you got a deeply and Unconditionally, Love
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  your spouse but also work hard on changing yourself in ways
• 4:46
  that they would prefer. And ways that do not deeply
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  betray you ethically as a human certainly.
• 4:54
  I mean, if your husband wants sex and you don't believe in sex
• 4:57
  anymore, then you really ought to get out of that marriage and
• 5:00
  free that man to find someone who does and you to find a
• 5:02
  partner who doesn't believe in sex for example, If your husband
• 5:06
  has a has a deep-seated deep philosophical belief that he
• 5:11
  really ought to never be romantic, then free him to find
• 5:15
  some woman that agrees with him if he can.
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  But in most cases, people are understand the point that they
• 5:24
  need to change and that's just couples by the way, an
• 5:26
  individual it's much more straightforward.
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  We are helping somebody love themselves.
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  While also changing how they think and behave so that they
• 5:34
  could live a more fulfilling life.
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  So, could you imagine if somebody came in to press it?
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  I was like, man. You're just going to stay
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  depressed. I mean that's like how it is.
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  You got to accept it. Depression is biological.
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  There's zero that we can do. There's no medications.
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  You should try cuz you gotta love yourself and we really
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  shouldn't ever try to change your thoughts because those are
• 5:52
  yours. So let's just sit here and look
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  at each other. I mean this quite honestly not
• 5:57
  to be a bitch but this is not far from what some therapists do
• 6:00
  with support of listening. You know it's like oh let's come
• 6:03
  in and vent every week and Then what, you know, they get a lot
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  of acceptance but they don't change and they can't be
• 6:12
  productive therapy. In my opinion, with My
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  Philosophy, without both acceptance and change acceptance
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  of where you are. And how you got there,
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  frequently using family of origin work to provide insight
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  and then a game plan on how you're going to change to live
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  the life that you deserve and that is your best life.
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  I believe in this so much. I called my group practice, best
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  life Behavioral. Health, everybody should be
• 6:36
  living the best life they want. And if you believe that your
• 6:39
  best life is with breast implants, go do it, get them or
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  Botox? Or I don't care what you know,
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  like face tattoo, what I feel is would be crazy.
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  Is saying to your kids. Okay, let's look down on those
• 6:56
  people. Forgetting boob jobs why they're
• 6:59
  doing what they want to do. What if your kid wants to get a
• 7:01
  boob job one day? I mean, they would know the It's
• 7:05
  because I would know the benefits and they might decide
• 7:07
  to do it. Would you want them to think
• 7:09
  that you would judge them? Hopefully not.
• 7:11
  That would be their choice, their body, you know, like
• 7:13
  there's hold your body, your choice.
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  That goes for everything goes for tattoos goes, for Pearson
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  goes for hair. Dyeing goes for everything.
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  Of course when a child is under your purview you know you have a
• 7:24
  lot of input because you pay all the money and it's whether you
• 7:28
  decide that you think this is going to be a good idea that
• 7:30
  your job as a parent is to be, you know, their brain in certain
• 7:34
  ways. So you, You know, if you are 14
• 7:36
  year old says what I really think I want to do is tattoo a
• 7:39
  heart on my cheek. You may say not on my watch if
• 7:43
  you still want that when you're old enough to pay for it and
• 7:45
  live on your own live and be well.
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  But I personally think this may be a decision, you might regret
• 7:50
  regret and my job is to protect you from those as your parent
• 7:54
  and I love you and you're not getting that so or you could say
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  cool. I have 12 or, you know, you do
• 8:00
  you, you know, you could decide to do whatever you want, it's
• 8:02
  apparent. But the point here, Is that
• 8:06
  judging people for changing their appearance and seeing that
• 8:09
  they don't experience? Self-love is a slippery slope
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  because what about people who just want to look good because
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  they want to buy nice clothes clothes that they like or they
• 8:18
  want to work out have muscles that are more obvious or they
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  want to put on makeup to accentuate their eyes because
• 8:27
  they feel like their eyes look better with makeup than without
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  we judge everybody. There's not gonna be anybody
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  left. So as I said in the The in the
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  group thing like this yeah there's risks to anything.
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  I grew up in a house that was super, super risk-averse because
• 8:42
  my parents were super super anxious we didn't even have a
• 8:45
  car because it might get into a car crash.
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  So when you grow up like that it really changes how you feel
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  about risk. If you don't take risks for
• 8:55
  things that you like, then why be alive?
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  You know, there was some rap song, it pop song that, I'm
• 9:03
  super cool with this. Um, but it was like, everybody
• 9:08
  dies but not everybody lives. I should figure out where that
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  quote comes from, and I thought that was like, super insightful
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  and something that could be a personal motto, everybody dies,
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  but not everybody lives. Yeah.
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  If you are constricted by risk, fear can't do this because of
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  this, can't do that because of that.
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  Then do you ever deeply Liv? You know?
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  Do you if you really don't like how you look in some way and
• 9:35
  you'd like to change it, change it now, what the difference is
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  but what may be where the acceptance part comes in is, do
• 9:44
  you feel like you're a lovable person without the boob job and
• 9:47
  that you're worthy of love and that you're so smart successful?
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  Etc, many women don't. And if that's why you're getting
• 9:53
  a boob job, boob jobs, not going to help therapy is going to help
• 9:56
  and then get your boob job. But I think that women need to
• 9:59
  take a page out of the book of men or at least the majority of
• 10:02
  men in this way. As I talked about Dog analogy.
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  I used it on a podcast before, a lot of men.
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  Look at weight gain, for example, as like a dog gained
• 10:12
  weight. I love my dog, my dog.
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  Such a good dog. But man, I've been feeding my
• 10:15
  dog too much from the table. I'm not been taking my dog for
• 10:18
  walks. Look at my dog, he's so fat.
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  You know, it can barely get onto the couch.
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  And what I'm going to do is I'm going to change how much I feed
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  them extra. I'm going to start taking him on
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  some more walks in about a month.
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  My dog's gonna be fit as a fiddle.
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  Again, that's how men view their own weight gain, man.
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  After the holidays, you like, Man, I put on 15 20 pounds.
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  I got start going to the gym, but they don't say and I am not
• 10:41
  a good person. No one would ever love me.
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  I'm an idiot. I'm just so useless.
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  No, that's the type of shit that women say to themselves and we
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  should really, really stop. As you got older, you stop more.
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  But young women are the worst with this and, you know, they
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  really conflate who they are as a person and being a person,
• 11:02
  worthy of love and acceptance with their weight or their
• 11:04
  boobs. Or their hair or whatever.
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  And I mean this this is a big problem and sure you need to
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  accept who you are and to love yourself and to think you're a
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  good person, no matter what you look like, but also why not get
• 11:20
  braces or get the skin treatment that you want or put on the
• 11:24
  lipstick that you like, like why not?
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  You know, I would want my partner to continue to try to be
• 11:30
  attractive for me and I would do the same for him and I feel like
• 11:35
  I do try to do that. Particularly if it's not, you
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  know, I don't know, like a massive, huge effort, like, I
• 11:43
  don't even know what would be, but I guess for example, like
• 11:48
  if, if I thought that like, I look my best in, you know, super
• 11:53
  high heels but like we're going on a walk.
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  That involves parking really far away from the restaurant.
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  Then I might moderate that but quite honestly, if I was with a
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  man who I'm Not, Who had a foot fetish, She really liked the
• 12:06
  heels great. He could drop me off at the
• 12:07
  door, like, will walk into the restaurant.
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  I'll be in super high heels. Who gives a shit really?
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  Like, try to be giving game and good or whatever Dan Savage
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  says, about a partner. So, in terms of how you want to
• 12:19
  act and look for your partner, if that's your goal, try to look
• 12:23
  with like what they want, you know, as long as it's within
• 12:27
  reason, and it doesn't make you somehow feel bad about yourself.
• 12:31
  Now, if you go back to my podcast on marry a man who
• 12:34
  thinks that You are his type. Yeah, if you marry man and he's
• 12:38
  like you know what personally I like it if you got a boob job
• 12:42
  you dyed your hair blond maybe you could get some lip filler
• 12:45
  and basically here's a picture of my ex-girlfriend.
• 12:47
  Can you bring that up to the plastic surgeon?
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  Well then get that marriage annulled get the hell out of
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  Dodge very quickly because this man doesn't want you, but what
• 12:55
  most men seem to want in my experience is for the woman that
• 12:58
  they're already with to put on some lingerie sometimes or
• 13:01
  maybe, like, not wear yoga pants, like cool.
• 13:04
  Like, I Not want to marry a man who was around and sweat pants
• 13:07
  all the time either. And you're allowed to say that
• 13:10
  or you need to be allowed to say that within your marriage, some
• 13:14
  regular sort of feedback give-and-take about the partners
• 13:18
  looks in my mind. Now keep in mind, I have a very
• 13:21
  pragmatic approach because a lot of my couples work is with
• 13:25
  people who are struggling in the arena of sex and therefore
• 13:29
  attraction etcetera. But I think that a very
• 13:33
  Practical Preppers, Dramatic approach is the same in terms of
• 13:37
  self and partner and how you talk to your kids too.
• 13:42
  As I was saying in my video, the way when my girls say am I going
• 13:46
  to have big boobs? One day?
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  I'm like, well a doubtful but you could either grow them or by
• 13:51
  them. You know, if you can't grow
• 13:53
  them, you could buy them. If you want them, you may not
• 13:55
  want them, you may want them. And I do say, if you want to
• 13:59
  wait until after you're done nursing because you never know
• 14:02
  if it's going to impede your ability to breastfeed.
• 14:05
  Then you do that. But like I don't think it's not
• 14:08
  like, oh God, I hated my body. I couldn't even come out of the
• 14:13
  room and sit until I got my boob job.
• 14:15
  Now, like my boobs just like went away after nursing three
• 14:19
  kids. I did not like that.
• 14:21
  Wasn't my favorite thing? If I didn't have the money to do
• 14:25
  it, I wouldn't do it. And nobody would have died, you
• 14:28
  know, but if you have the opportunity money and desire to
• 14:33
  do anything for Your looks for your basically external, dog.
• 14:38
  Your corporeal self in my analogy.
• 14:41
  Why not? And we want to preach tolerance
• 14:44
  to our children. So, somebody got a boob job or
• 14:48
  Botox, or a facelift. Cool, let them do that, you
• 14:51
  know, somebody got a face tattoo, cool, let them do them.
• 14:54
  Do I do. All those things know, do you
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  who knows? You know, you're not an adult
• 14:58
  yet. You never know.
• 14:59
  I always say to my kids, you never know what you're going to
• 15:02
  be like as an adult. Don't look down on people doing
• 15:05
  things. You have no idea from when I was
• 15:08
  in tween, which wasn't even a term.
• 15:11
  Then until now I have done a million things, I never thought
• 15:15
  I would do. So, when you judge other people,
• 15:18
  you may be judging a future version of yourself.
• 15:20
  Don't be stupid, you know, don't view other people as bad or
• 15:25
  stupid when you've not been in a situation that is stupid to
• 15:29
  judge other people that we don't want to do unless you've been in
• 15:33
  their shoes and you've been them.
• 15:35
  M. And since we have so far, not
• 15:37
  figured out side sci-fi ways to be exactly in another human
• 15:41
  beings body and brain. You got no idea what they're
• 15:44
  going through and if and you can therefore not judge.
• 15:48
  So that is what I think about plastic surgery, what we tell
• 15:51
  our kids about it, and it was a great topic.
• 15:54
  And please, everybody, subscribe to both my podcast and my
• 15:59
  Facebook group if you love it. And I, if you like my content
• 16:03
  rather, or if you love me, The person?
• 16:06
  That's cool too. And I will talk to everybody
• 16:09
  soon. Bye.